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my mom suffered so much


sadbeyondwords

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sadbeyondwords

does anyone replay the images of their loved ones death over and over again. I cannot stop thinking about this every waking minute. No matter what I am doing, in the back of my mind is the thought of how horribly my mom died. She was so healthy when she went into the hospital- a planned admission that was supposed to take 4 hours for something so minor-it is ridiculous. Then hosptial mistake after freakin hospital mistake led my mother to get terribly, terribly ill. It was so horrifying.- she was joking and laughing when she went to the hosptial-talking about how she wanted to eat pizza when she got out in the afternoon-and she was then in the hospital for an agoniziing 6 weeks due to the freakin moronic sickening doctors. By the end, she was yellow because they gave her a medication that caused her  liver to stop working, she stopped making urine, she was on a ventilator. How could this have happened. I am so devastated. She was in so much pain after all this. How could this happen. They were treating her like a guinea pig-they had idiot residents and interns doing procedures on her -they were killing her. How could this happen. she died in so much pain. She was crying while she was intubated and they never gave her pain meds. How?how? HOW? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO HER. This has never happened to anyone before. Why her. Why did they do this to her. She was helpless.I remember how she looked right before she took her last breath. She looked frightened. so scared. that image is etched in my mind. I know she was wondering how this could happen. How could it. she was so healthy when she went in. She was not supposed to die. I know that. She did not have medical problems. I am sick to my stomach. How can I ever go on with these horrible images of my poor helpless mother. I will never ever get over this. Why? She suffered so much. I have never seen anything like this before. She was so so scared. They killed my mother. I cant live without her. It has been 8 weeks and I dont want to live without my mommy. I need her so much. I cant believe i will never hear her voice again, see her adorable smile, hug her cute little body-she gave the best hugs ever. So warm. Oh my, what am I going to do. Why bother going on without the love of my life. It feels impossible to move. I cant function at all. I just think non stop about her-why did she suffer. She didnt die a natural death like everyone else does. Why does everyone else have their moms till their 80' sand 90's. I am angry. Why did this happen.

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stephysteph13

Sadbeyondwords,

No one will ever replace our moms sweetie! hang in there.. i know right now it seems like there is no point of living but as u go on u will realize that u will want to live to make your mom proud. i lost my mom almost two years ago and it is extremely difficult and it sucks and i wish she was here, but i know i need to hang on because she would want me too and  i have alot of support that helps too. do u have alot of support?? try talking about it because if you dont.. it will be worse for u. dont bottle up emotions. it makes it worse! trust me from expierence! Everything i do sucks without her here but i do it. why? because she would want me too.

how old are you? i know we can def relate.the only difference is my mom died from cancer so she was sick for a very long time. talk to me im alwayshere to listen. and im very happy u joined these boards they are a big help and u will have lots of new friends who understand eachother!

Stephanie

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Dear,

i noe wat u mean. Cant get those images out of ur head. Me neither. Cos ur mom's departure is very recent hence d memories r stil sharp n d pain raw. Feels like u goin crazy or dis is sum kind of sick n cruel joke life is playin on u. Dats how i feel.

Similar 2 urs, my mum was perfectly healthy wif onli a slight cough. No history of other illnesses. Nil. SHe came down with fever 1 day, got a doc 2 examine her. He suspectd it was pneumonia. Advised 2 admit her 2 hosp which wil take 3-8 days max. By d 4th day of her hosptlstn, doc der advisd 2 put her on ventilator 2 aid her breathin so her lungs can rest. She was sedated n from then on she was unconscious. Can u blive dis?? She never did wake out of it! It was extremely tragic.. Its like a cruel joke. Till now, I cant quite recover from d sequence of events tt led 2 her last breath. D images remain frozen in my mind. They come up esp at nite b4 i go 2 sleep. No amt of cryin can ease d pain. Til i tot der cant b any pain greater than dis. I cry endlessly n get so tired til im forced 2 sleep.

Tho i cant imagine exactly wat u goin thru, I can feel ur trauma. Nobody deserves 2 feel dis way. I feel sad u hv 2 go thru dis. Ders no other way but 2 face up 2 d images. Honestly they wont go away no matter how hard u try. Wat i did was 2 bring up images of my mum in happier times against d 1s at d hosp.

Wat happen 2 our moms is a cruel twist of fate. But i hv faith in God. Ders a reason y he's puttin us thru all dis. Either 4 somethin greater or meaningful in life, or 2 build up our characters. Theres hidden designs dat we will only noe in time 2 come. Trust me. As  of now, ur not alone. We'l all b here 4 u.

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sadbeyondwords

Hi Vyenna and Stephanie,

thanks for the replies. Today was such a horrible day. The entire day I kept thinking about my mothers horrific death. I was walking around work like a zombie. My boss told me that if I cant pull myself together, i will be fired. But i cant help it. My life is so bad now. My mother really should not have died. I know it. She was supposed to live many more years. How does one ever come to terms with that. When doctors end up killing patients because of mistakes- how can I live knowing this. My mom was so healthy. How can I live knowing that she suffered so much in her last days. She was crying adn I couldnt do anything for the pain. The doctors did nothing. I cant think straight. I know she is supposed to be with me here right now. I have so many regrets and feel guilty that I couldnt save her. I wish I had done this or that-then she would have been alive. I wish I had gotten a different doctor to take care of her. I wish I had refused one of the treatments and accepted a different one. She would be alive. I know it. I cant stop replaying these images in my head. I am sick from all of this. It would be one thing is she was sick when she went in-but she wasnt. There are so many old people who live around me-how come my mom didnt live to that age i am so angry. Hosptial errors. it is not fair. my mother suffered too much. Everyone else seems to do ok when they go to the hospital. my life is so horrible. I cant beleive i will never see her adorable smile. oh my, oh my I am sick i  need her so  much. today is horrible tomorrow will be worse. I dont want to live wihout her

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4everjoeysmom

Dear S-B-Y, do you mind if I ask you how old you are, and if you have any family members nearby or if you live with any family?  You see awfully alone and it seems like you carry the weight of responsibility on your shoulders for everything that happened to you rmom, when in reality none of us can control what happens to others, much less ourselves in circumstances like you've described.  Are you seeing a counselor?  it sounds like you really need to have someone closeby to talk to...  I am very concerned for the despair you are in.  HUGS, Claudia

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sadbeyondwords

Hi Claudia,

I am 32 but right now i feel more like 2 years old. I went from a responsible adult to a babbling idiot who cant figure out life anymore. I dont have anyone with me. The rest of my family lives  about 4 hours from me- where I was brought up- the good old days when my beautiful mom was alive. Of course I blame myself- I should have been smart enough to help my mom. I am very angry at myself and at the idiot docs. I know if I had been able to think clearly during the hospitalization and made better decisions, my mom would be alive. I know it. I know it. I am so much in despair-you are right. I am not seeing a counselor- i just dont think anything will help becuase I feel like I couldl have saved my mom. It is so painful to think of life without her. I am single and now without my mom, I dont ever want to go out to meet people, cant think of having my own life because life will never have any joy. She was my joy. It has been 8 weeks since she left me. I dont want to live without her anymore. I cant imagine having any more time without her

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4everjoeysmom

Dear SBY, (I hope you don't mind the initials...)

It's ok to feel overwhelmed by emotions, because it's a natural part of grieving.  You aren't losing your mind, even though it feels like you are losing yourself.  In circumstances like this in life, we are left to hold on tight and ride the uncontrollable waves that crash in on us over and over again.  You are in such an early stage of loss--8 weeks.  At this point disbelief is still amidst, and certainly shock.  But as the shock wears away some, guilt is one of those monsters that begins to torment us.  As much as sometimes owning the guilt can make us feel like it is one area of our loss and grief that we can control...as in "I could have done something", the reality is that guilt is only a monster that sneaks in and can destroy us if we allow it to.  Anger is a running mate with guilt, of which you also have plenty of.  Oftentimes the two combined are enough to be as devastating as if a cancer were eating you up.  I suffered both guilt and anger in the loss of my 24 year old son 20 months ago, and it was hard work to rise out of the battle with those two worst of emotions in grieving.

I am a woman of faith, and that may mean very little to you.  i don;t know.  But one thing that I have come to understand is that we cannot control the cycle of life.  We cannot control the how, when, where and why's.  We certainly can be responsible for some of the circumstances in our lives, but death is one of those things that while in some instances seems like we can control it, we actually can't.  There is no rule of order to when someone dies, as I learned in losing my son--because it certainly is not a natural order for one's child to die before them.  And while I sat and said to myself I could have done this or I should have done that, the reality is that it was my son's time to die.  Nothing I could have said or done would change that, because it was the order to the cycle of his life.  If I would have asked him to be in a different place doing something other than he was, his cycle still would have ended on the day chosen for him long before he was born (a faith statement), but maybe it would have ended in an entirely different circumstance and way.  My son was with people that were very negligent the night he died, and they certainly contributed to the circumstances of how he died, but they did not control his death.  If he were not meant to die on that day, he would have perhaps instead been a quadrapolegic as a result of the accident he was in.  Maybe he would have been comatose indefinitely.  he would be alive, but would he want to be?  I certainly want him to be alive here with me.  I miss him so terribly bad at times that I still can't believe he is really gone.  The end of his lifecycle has certainly affected mine, but I am learning it doesn't have to end mine.  It is shaping mine into a different journey than I ever imagined possible, or would have wanted to imagine.  But nonetheless, it is reshaping me.  It isn't the emotions from my grief that are shaping me, though.  I refuse to let my emotions turn me into a monster of anger and guilt.  If I did allow that, then surely I would still be in despair and feel that no joy could ever possibly reach me.  I know my son would not want that for me.  It is my journey that is defining me now.

My faith journey has grown, and I truly have learned on a very deep level that my son is alive, in his eternal state, with His creator, because that is what he was created for--to be in fellowship, in the presence of God.  I believe that's what we each are created for.  Just the time and circumstances of when that reunion takes place differs for each of us.  I do know that no matter how soon and unready I was for this to happen, I can hope and look forward to a reunion one day when it is "my appointed time".  I too have though Oh God just let me go to sleep and not wake up.  I had (thankfully brief) thoughts of taking my life.  I think that's normal.  But I believe that if it is not my time and I go trying to change the cycle of life in my own power, something horrible could happen, like I could lie in the state of a vegetable, brain damaged for the rest of my (long) life, and what a burden I would be to someone to have to deal with that--my surviving son especially.  If it's not my time, it isn;t my time.  It was my son't time however, and as hard as that is to live with, I am taking baby steps, a day at a time, and sometimes hourly, to journey forward through that pain.  As I am learning from many who journey with me and ahead of me in this wheel of time, there is another side to the journey if you keep moving forward.  It's a different life that we would have known with my son and your mom here.  That much is true.  But only the journey through the pain is the terrible part (aside from the actual loss itself and the lonliness of missing them so much).  If we keep traveling forward, there is healing along the way, even though it doesn't feel like it now.

It has been 20 months for me from the moment my life and world changed.  It has not been an easy journey.  But along my journey I have learned what "honor" truly means in learning to desire honoring my son's life.  I felt that if I leave this life, who else in the world loved him enough to keep his memory alive, to honor his life and remind those he loved that he was a gift to us that we will see again some day.  He was appointed to be in our lives to teach us things about our own journey.  He was appointed for a time, and when his time was finshed here, his appointed tasks for this lifetime also had been made complete.  It is up to me to continue his work, his legacy, his memory, someway, somehow.  I want to do that for him, because the love and everything he brought to my life says he deserves that much back from me.  In learning how to carry on in a different way, in his memory, I am learning to do lots of other things--like helping others that are having to deal with the horrible pain of loss, like being able to relate with others that before I hadn't a clue about what they were going through...  and as much as I wish I didn;t have to know, I can't change it now.  I have to keep walking through the loss and pain and toward whatever it is that I am journeying through to get to the healing part of it as well.  I am healing, but it is a journey, not unlike the one you are just beginning. 

I know it doesn't make your circumstance any easier by me sharing mine.  But I do hope that you are able to see a tiny glimpse of hope in that you are not the only one in this world who has suffered a devastating loss.  There are many like you and like me, and there will be many more to come.  Reaching into those who can walk with us, sharing insights and compassion, can be a good start.  Coming here and posting took courage, and certainly is a baby step to come outside of your pain and look for answers in how to do this thing called grief.  I do hope and pray that you will find the courage and strength to keep taking baby steps, even when sometimes it's necessary to fall down and take a few steps back.  It's like a tidal wave coming in and then low tide receding the water, only to have high tide bring the waves crashing in again and again--a cycle of grief.  There is no timeline, but if we keep journeying forward, we can find comfort along the way in small bits at first from time to time, and then more, and then more, until believe it or not one day you can actually have a memory that makes you smile.  I have no words of magic wisdom to comfort you in this time only to say you are not alone and there are others here who you could relate to and journey with so as not to feel so isolated and alone.  I do hope and pray for you that you can step beyon dthe despair in a short time, because it truly is the worst part of the early grief....  BIG HUGS, Claudia

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Dear,

The pain is stil raw. I can feel it from ur writing. Its normal 2 b feeling guilty u've not done enough 4 ur mom, ur not able 2 save her. There's 2 many wat ifs which dont matter a single bit cos it doesnt chaange the sad fact dat ur mom is gone. I question myself countless times if I've done enuf 4 my mum, checkd everytn d docs were doin, d medicatn they were givin her , d dosages... I even felt bad 4 askin God 2 do wats best 4 her cos I felt dat sumhow meant i was ready 2 let her go.

Everytn happens 4 a reason, no matter how tragic it seems. It was fated for ur mom 2 leave, however unexpected it is. Till now, I cant come 2 terms wif how healthy n vibrant my mum was before she was hosptlsd. I noe its hard not 2 blame urself, but no matter how much u've tried u cant change wats already written in d book of Fate. Ur mom still lives in ur heart. People die but love doesnt. Ur mom is kept alive by ur love for her n her love 4 u n d happy memories of u 2 togethr. 

U r stil in a fragile state, dats 2 b expctd. U'l feel lost n helpless like u've reachd d pits of despair. U noe wat, u'l live thru dis, sumhow.

I suggest u take sum time off from work so u wont hv 2 face ur boss in ur current state. Its unfair 4 him 2 judge u based on a situation tt is forced on u suddenly. Nobody 1s dis 2 befall them. Go n meet up wif a family member n share ur feelings wif each other. Cry your eyes out if it makes u feel better. Rmbr ur not goin crazy. My shoulder is always here for u..

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sadbeyondwords

Claudia, Thank you for your thoughtful and eloquent response. It is appreciated. I have to keep re-reading it. I feel better after reading it -but then I  forget and I fall right back into my bad thinking within a short period of time. It is a constant battle. So many things trigger my bad thoughts. I now read the obiituaries every day- I get crazy when I see than most die when they are 80's to 90 year old. I get so sad-why didnt my mom  get there. She was so healthy. she was supposed to be with me for so many more years. The weather is getting nicer- my mom and I used to love going out together in spring-oh I miss that so much. Yesterday I smelled someone barbequing- my mom so loved to barbeque- the whole summer we would eat hamburgers-she would put so  much ketcup on her burger and get it all over her-shw was so cute-how will I make it through spring, summer-how will I make it through my life without her. It just feels too hard to think about trying to make new memories, to have any good times without her, to do anything. It feels wrong. She really should be alive. I know that I could have saved her if I had made better decisions-if I was thinking more clearly, if I demanded better doctors in the hospital. I let her down. How could I let my favorite person in the world down. Yes hindsight is 20/20 but I dont want to learn lessons this way, I should have been able to be see the problems as they were happening and change them in the hospital. they kept making mistake after mistake. How did I not do more. There was so much I could have done to change things and she really, realy would have been alive. I know. she was so so strong. Oh my,she really was. She was ridicuoloulsly strong. I should have taken here out of that stupid hospital at the first moment that she looked ok-I should have known that more mistake occur the  longer they stay in the hospital. Oh it feels awful to relive the hospitalizaitn and think of  my mother suffering so much. I cant get the images out of my head. And the final image of my mother after she died in the hospital, her lifeless body. How is that possible. I wanted to spend time with her adn clean her up becuase she looked terrrible-after they botched so many things- so I tried to spend time with her and the nurse told me to hurry up becuase there was another patient who was coming into the room. So they rushed me out-how sickeining. how horrifiying, i could not even spend time with her. what horrible horrible horrible memories. Oh  my I am sick to my stomach.  This is what I am left with. She was in so much pain. how could this have happened. Why couldnt I have kept my mind together and change the outcome-the doctors were bad, the nurses were nasty-why couldnt I have done more. She realy was supposed to live. I am so angry with everyone and myself. Because i should have known better. How could I let her down. My mom should not have suffered so much. I am scared to think about how m uch pain she was in -she died in so muhc pain- oh my how horrible. My poor mother. This is not how it was supposed to be. I cant believe I will never talk with her again. hug her adorable little body, look at her beautiful smile and eyes, hold her hand. Oh my it is not fair. the pain is too unbearable. It is not fair. It is almost 9 weeks since she left me-it is getting worse and worse and worse every day. I will never make it. She is supposed to be alive. she wasnt supposed to die now- 

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4everjoeysmom

SBW, My heart is just breaking for you.  I could see how the control of thoughts just swept over you and took over as you were writing your post, beginning with a glimmer of hope and then falling, falling, falling....  and I wish I could do something to help you.  I really and truly do.  Sometimes in posting, I feel like hope can be gleaned here and there, but it's so hard in the early stages to relate to anything but the excriciating pain.  I do know and remember that of my own loss.

If at all possible, keep telling yourself, even when the bad thoughts start to push in and take over, "I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF DESTINY!"  It's true.  I don't have any answers for why your mom had to suffer, or why she had to be torn from your life.  I have no answers for myself in my own loss that would make it make sense.  It is what it is, and nothing I do now, and nothing I would have done then could or would have changed it.  You said if only you had removed your mom from hospital...  I couldn't help but immediately think if her destiny was to go, would you have been struck by another car causing her death, or something else?  Destiny was chosen, and not for the sake of cruelty or leaving us alone, without those we've loved so much and lost.  There is much to the cycle of life for each one of us that is unexplained on this side of life--especially why, when and how it all ends.

As I said before, I am a woman of faith, and I do not believe that death from this earthly life is the end.  How could it be?  It seems like we are created for something far greater than this world holds.  Was your mom spiritual, or did she believe in God?  Had you two ever talked of things that seemed greater than life itself?  Reach into your memories and try and find moments and conversations that can give you some hope that her death here was not her end, but the beginning of her journey to eternity, to that greater event.  I don't want to push and say more than what you are comfortable with, but I do wonder...maybe there is something there for you to grab onto that can lift you out of the pit of despair and give you some hope, some comfort for the journey.  I'm here if you want to talk about it...   Hugs and Prayers, Claudia

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I'm sorry to barge in here, but I've just come across this message and saddens me.  I suppose that one of the worst parts for me was literally watching my mother dying in Intensive Care, me willing her to carry on, and the staff from Palliative Care looking at me like I was thick.  They were preparing her for her last days.  That really did me in.  If I didn't have to be so polite in there, I would have hit each one of them, then it would be their turn to be hurt!

Sue

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4everjoeysmom

Hi Sue,

You're not barging in...  This is a place to come and share feelings.  I'm glad to see your post, but so sorry you are still suffering so much with those haunting memories.  I'm always sad for thoswe that are hurting so deeply...  I haven't seen your post in a while.  What are you doing these days?  Are you still living and working in the same place?  Have you read any helpful books or heard any words of wisdom anywhere that have been helpful to you since we last corresponded.  I'm afraid it's been a while...  Hugs, Claudia

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Hi Claudia...i've missed you!  I'm online at home now, which i think is amazing!  I've just been through my mother's 4th anniversary of her death.  That was hard.  I wanted her to pass on at the nursing home (i probably said this a couple of months ago) but the last time I saw her was in hospital.  I'm trying to remember more of the good times.

I used to spend a lot of time at the local computer center down the road from me, but things changed and I started doing other things like getting my computer up and running from home.  I've been going to Church a lot more over the past few months as I wanted to be closer to God.

I'm very glad to hear from you again! xoxoxoxox

Sue

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4everjoeysmom

And Sue, likewise, I am very glad to hear from you.  Is church helping your spiritual journey at all?  And I am really glad to hear that you have your own computer running at hom enow for online visits.  That gives you so much more flexibility.

I read your post on the dreams thread.  I think you're still grieving hard and trying to work through all of that.  And it's reasonable to dream of them when we miss them so much.  But dreams don;t come until we are ready for them.  It's hard to believe you are at 4 years...  I am almost at 2.  Perhaps you are reaching the next point in your healing journey, which is opening your subconscious to the world of dreams.  I have yet to reach that, as I've dreamt only a couple of times of Joey since.  Perhaps it means your heart is getting stronger.  And just as the dream is coming at a new beginning or stage in your grief journey, perhaps the message is also that of a toddler or young child beginning to adventure outside of the "safe zone", as in how you referenced your mom as mummy in the dream.  That could be very encouraging, even though it makes you perplexed and sad.  It's brave to journey on, Holding onto hope, my friend, because I do believe healing is coming....   HUGS, Claudia

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Hi Claudia, at the beginning when my mum had died, I had very strong dreams of mum in hospital and I had weird dreams of her with a huge tube in her mouth.  But I think you're right about this dream though as I have felt quite childlike and vulnerable.  I've recently started Congnitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and I've had to go back to my feelings and behaviour relating to the child which has made me more anxious about some things.  So I'm having CBT (it changes the way you think and feel etc), I have an eye infection which worried me a lot and I'm not eating the way I should do because of all this.  I'm eating a little better now but I want to build up more.

I really missed my mum when I woke up though, I felt flattened.  On a more positive note, I'm really happy to be online in my own home!

Sue

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4everjoeysmom

Sue, all of that makes perfect sense, then, as to why you had a dream such as what you described.  And in the beginning, after a precious dream like that, we do feel "flattened" when we wake to reality.  But let's look at another perspective.  Perhaps with the cognitive therapy and sorting through early life issues. you will begin dreaming of your mum more.  In a way it will feel like she visits you in your dreams, and the dreams will hopefully be more pleasant than those dreaded early nightmarish ones.  I should think pleasant dreams, after you get used to having them, will bring you more comfort.  There always will be sorrow for missing your mum.  That is true.  But at this point, try and look forward to "new awakenings", in which your subconscious will be ready to take in more "dream visits" and feel blessed by them.  Yes?  I am sorry you haven't been feeling well.  I do hope the eye infection has improved, and shortly thereafter your eating habits.  You must stay healthy so that your dreams can be healthy as well.  :)  Hugs, Claudia

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4everjoeysmom

SBW-  I also wanted to mention to you that early on I had horrible nightmares, while asleep and awake, seeing over and again the circumstances of my son's death.  This is quite common, especially for us who have exprienced such a traumatic loss.  All loss is traumatic, for certain.  But I mean like in my case, my son was run over by a train.  He was on the tracks and oblivious to what he was doing and that a train was coming.  I won't go into the gory details of it all, but nonetheless the image haunted me deeply.  The only way I was able to get through that was to train my brain to replace my thoughts with something else as soon as they would pop into my head, which at first was all the time.  It was hard work training myself into "thought replacement therapy" as I call it.  But it did work.  For me personally I was able to think on th elight of the train turning into the light of God coming and lifting Joey up and carrying him away.  I correlated it to a Bible verse I now love.  But the point is to think on something lovely, the most lovely thought you can imagine for your mom.  And then as the bad thoughts crash in, immediately try hard to think on the lovely thought...  and you have to do it over and over and over again.  It wearsw a person out, but it can be done.  I am proof of that, and I have heard others talk about doing this kind of thing over time.  It took me about 6 months or so to get my thoughts to shift on que naturally, but it was worth the hard work.  After a while I stopped having those horrible thoughts like I used to.  I still think about the circumstances of how my son died that night.  But it doesn't devastate me like it did in the early days.  I think the TRT trained my mind so that I could begin to process other areas of my grief, and now I really do feel like I am on a healing track.  But it is quite a journey, not easy to say the least.  There is always hope, but it is hard work t keep searching for it, never giving up, and certainly not stopping once you do get a glimmer or two, because it does keep growing--Hope.  You have to force yourself to keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking breath after breath, minute by minute and hour by hour until one day you wake up and it becomes day by day, and so on.  There are so many stages to grief and no time line for any of it.  So I speak from only my experience, but I do encourage you to try when you are ready to dig deep into your memory bank and find or imagine beautiful thoughts that one day will guide you to healing.  BIG HUGS, Claudia 

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sadbeyondwords

Claudia, I have been trying to redirect my thinking as you suggested. It works sometimes but then other times I am out of control. Today is a beautiful day outside but I can only sit here alone without motivation and cry and think of my mom. She loved these type of days- a little breeze, clear-we would always walk around and shop-I cannot fathom how I will make it without her-every time there is a nice day, I think of her with her little sun visor-oh my goodness,she was so cute. It is impossible that I will not have her here for spring,summer and the rest of my life. Last summer, i would never had imagined that would be my last with her. We spent some great days together- I thought I had so many more becuase she was so healthy, how is it possible that this has ended. My brother and father are also so incredibly distraught. None of us can fathom how tragically it all ended for my mom. How she died in so much pain. how others live a full live of >8 decades and my beautiful mother was taken from me by the crap care in the hospital. I am so scared-I just cant see my way out of this. My mom was really everything for me-and my brother and my father. The glue, the real joy of the family. The family as we know it has collapsed-we all feel distant, walking around each other but not being the family we once were. It is not supposed to be this way. I get sick thinking about my mom's lifeless body. It honestly does not seem possible that someone who was talking and joking and walking around looking so good can now be lifeless. It is such a sickening thought. And I keep picturing how the grave diggers placed her casket in the ground and then covered it up- and that is it.it was over. A beautiful life on this earth is over. And then they placed her name tag over the mound of dirt. How horrible. My mom's name on a mound of dirt. And then seeing her death certificate.  I am freaking out. There is no way to live with this amount of pain. Perhaps I was too close with my mom. So  was my father and brother. We did everything together. My brother went with my mom everywhere. He would stay up nights and talk with her too. She was such a joy. She was not supposed to die now. I cant get over this. I just cant stop thinking about everything we should be doing together right now. It is so hard to grasp this idea of death. This is a mess. This life is horrible. This life is so unfair. I know you must have a difficult time with this too. The anniversaries are killers. It feel like it can cause you to shut down entirely. How to get through all the events that remind us of our loved ones. I dont want to do anything because everything reminds me of her. I cant shop, cook, walk around. I am essentially incapacitated. The pictures of her are killing me too. I have so many of her in my apt -we looked so happy together-like life was complete -i dont want to take them down as it is disrespectful-but I have to avert my eyes because it kill me to see that. life will never be complete. there can be no happiness. It is such a stinking miserable life to lead.

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4everjoeysmom

SBW--  I truly think it would be helpful to seek out a good counselor and stock with that for a while...  You're very isolated in your pain and suffering, and that is such a horrible feeling place to be.....  perhaps family counseling with yoru dad and brother if they agree would be worthwhile as well....  The family unit definitely suffers and changes, but it doesn't have to be destroyed.  HUGS, Claudia

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