Adoptive mom...

[RunXRun]

My mother died on December the 6th, and she wasn't the person who gave birth to me. The woman that died was my biological grandma but to me she was my mother, my real mother. I lost my mother and my best friend when she passed away and it's still really hard to deal with it.

Yesterday my cousin got into a fight with me over nothing, or over a reason only he knows, and he said:

Your mother is still alive, my moms mom isn't.

And that hurt me a lot. His mother, my aunt, is my mom's biological daughter. I don't know why he'd bring it up, or what it had to do with anything because I never once said that my pain was more than hers, or that their grief wasn't important - I haven't mentioned my grief to anyone but this forum and my pupa.

I just want to stop hurting and for those words to stop ringing in my head because every time I heard "She wasn't your real mother" I start crying because it's really not fair for them, or anyone, to bring that up or mention it.

What should I do about this? How do I stop this from hurting so much?

[stillfighting431]

I’m so sorry for your loss. The only way I know of getting over hurtful words is to stop making them so meaningful. Don’t consider them so important & they won’t hold such power over you. They’re just rash words said in the heat of an argument by a grieving person who is already angry & sad because of his loss, just as you’re. Give it some time & then talk to your cousin about it. I’m sure he didn’t meant hurt you or belittle your loss. When we’re reeling from a great loss, we’re hurting, we feel angry & helpless, so we find ways to let the pain out. Lashing out at others is one way. So try to forgive him & stop dwelling on the argument so much. That’s the only way to get some peace. You already have a huge loss to process. I read this somewhere “When someone hurts you, try to look inside you, find the reason & remove it. But if you can’t find any, then learn to pity them because people who hurt others without a reason must be pretty miserable themselves.”

I hope you feel better.