I want her to be alive

[alysonm]

I miss my mom. I did thius thing today where this thing is jst repeating three words and you automatically make up a phrase in your head that is partly in your sub councisous and mine said my dead mother my dead mother my dead mother my dead mother. How messed up is that. I slept til 130 today. Why? I don't know. I can't get out bed. I feel like I could sleep for years and not wake up. I feel ike I could sleep and when I woke up this would all be gone, she would be alive and I wouldn't be failing a class, and I would have some fuckinig money. Everything would be better. If i slept for a year. no one gets that.  In auguset my life was interupted, shattered, and put on pause when she died, in NOvember, the tape burned, was ruined, had to be fixed, went to the hospital, everything changed, was set back to pause, and continued to be interuppted. Interupted and paused at the same fucking time. I am not myself. I am not who I want to be. I am not anybody. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know where my life is going, or where I want to be. I've never felt so old, or young at the same time, in the instant she died, I became an adult, yet at 22 years old I've never needed my mom more than right now. I really wish there was someone who completely understood me. I'm not tryng to feel sorry for myself. I just don't want to be so alone. BUt at the same fucking time, i odn't want anyone to get too close. I just wish she was here. I know we didn't have a great relationshop. I know htat. I wish we had a chance to fix that. before she died. now theres no chance to do that. And I hate how I'm doing this all by myself. I know if she were alive, she would be helping me with it. and she would be concerned about it and she would ask me about it and I know I would be hesitant to tell her about it but at least she would care about it, you know?I just want it to go back so bad. So bad, I don't want this to be real. i know it's ridiculous, it's almost been 8 months so why can;t I accept that shes dead? I don't want to accept that she is dead,I want her to be alive. I want to talk to her I want to see her. I want to be around her. I want to go home. I want to go home and sit on the couch and be with her and talk with her.

[minnababy]

i want my mummy back. i seriously don't know what to do anymore. ive stuck it out for nine months, tried to deal with it all but for the past few weeks it all feels like it's all just been getting too much. it's amazing how much i used to take for granted, since she's gone i don't feel safe anymore, i feel SO scared all the time, i feel so lost and alone, i want my mum back i want my family back cos now i have pretty much no-one and i don't know what to do, who to talk to, and the few people who said they were there for me are always busy or have their own stuff to deal with and i just feel like a burden, but it's fair enough i just have to get used to the fact that i'll never be as important to anyone as i was to my mummy, everything's so messed up, and now i'm just sitting up crying, i need her so much, i miss her so much, but miss isn't even a strong enough word cos when you miss someone they come back eventually, it's like this desperation of needing her but she never comes back, it hurts so much like half of me has been torn away, there's this part of me who feels like a little kid all i want is for her to hug me and look after me and make everything better cos i can't do this on my own anymore, like seriously can't, i'm 20 i still need her so much, sometimes i can't even believe she's gone, it's like it still won't sink in even now, i feel so desperate like it only needs one little thing to push me over the edge and then i don't know what will happen, i don't know what i'll do, i just don't know what to do anymore i just can't do this anymore i need her so much i can't breathe properly, everything's so fucked up right now and i don't know how to make it better or make myself better i need my mum back why won't she come back?

[alysonm]

minnababy- I'm so sorry, I know exactly how you feel. (((minnababy)))<---that was me giving you a hug.  I wish I could be there with you because it sounds like we could relate tp each other and at least we could be miserable together if not a little less lonely. I wish I could make this go away for both of us. Life is so fucking shitty sometimes, but doesn't it seem like **** keeps happening to us? I know you have had hard times too in your past from your past posts. It keeps happening. It isn't fucking fair, and I know that life isn't fair, but what the hell? I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like sleeping the days away. I hope you're ok.

[stephysteph13]

alysonm and minnababy,

I understand. I truly do. We are all so young and without the one person we need the most. This year is hitting me so much harder than last.. just earlier today i was laying in bed,because i didnt go to school today, and i was thinking and its going to be 2 years in sept and where the hell the timewent. it feels like she died yesterday! i dont know how we all can live with this. i feel like crap right now too andthe only thing that can make it better is for my mom to come back in this world. i use to LOVE school now its a struggle to make me go. i dont enjoy things like i used to. i wish i could just be happy but when im happy it doesnt feel like she is dead.

i hope both of you areokay. alysonm come on msn more lol so we can talk! im always here totalk to u guys.

hang in there.

Steph

[minnababy]

alysonm; yeh i know it just seems so unfair. i mean like some people go through their whole lives and nothing that bad happens to them and we just get ****. :[ everything was just starting to get better and then my mum found out she was sick, it's like nothing can ever be okay. and i know life isn't fair, but for us it just seems extra unfair somehow. i mean my mum was everything, she was like both my parents in one, so to lose her it seems so fucking unfair, maybe if i had a relationship with my father, like we were close and stuff, maybe i wouldn't be struggling so much. i don't know. but it just seems so wrong cos in losing my mummy i lost my whole family, and i don't know what i did to deserve it. it feels like i must have done something pretty bad to deserve my whole world to be ripped away from me. the world seems like such a scary place now, like more so than i'd ever realised before, because i'm all alone in it. i know that if something goes wrong i just have to deal with it all on my own and to be honest that scares the crap out of me.  sometimes i just feel like sleeping thru the day, i seem to swing between two views, one is pushing myself way too hard to be the absolute best, working late into the night and stuff and the next day everything seems pointless and i just want to quit uni and everything and just give up. i hate going to sleep because every morning i wake up and just for one second everything's okay and then it hits me that she's gone and i just want to die. sometimes i really do want to die, like maybe it's the best way out of this hell, i can't imagine my the future without her, it's so scary. :[ urgh. life is **** without her, i miss her so much. i feel like crap ALL the time, i even cry at uni sometimes and i feel like such a loser. in one way nine months seems like forever and in other ways it's nothing, my head just can't make sense of it, most of the time i still can't even believe that she's gone, like never coming back. and it kinda scares me that it won't sink in. urgh. i hope you are okay. i wish we lived near to each other, it's so good finding people who actually understand this but sucks that they all live so far away!! i really hope you're doing okay. x

steph, time goes SO quickly. i sit here thinking how the hell did it get to april, it's like everything stopped in july, but the world kept turning and i didn't get a chance to catch up. it's like i've lost 9 months of my life. in three months it will be a year, and that scares me SO much, because a year used to seem like such a long time but now it's nothing. things have definately been getting harder over the last few weeks, it's like there's no point in anything i just don't want to be alive anymore. :[ i don't know what happened for everything to start getting worse but i'm starting to feel like i seriously can't handle this anymore, and it's really scary. i'm so sick of feeling scared and alone, y'know like i just want my mum to come and look after me, tell me things will be okay. why is that so much to ask? most other girls our age just take it for granted, why don't we deserve that. hope you're doing okay today. x

[stephysteph13]

minnbaby,

yeh i get you. its real tough. im struggling alot too. lack of effort, just want to sleep all the time. i feel the same way. but i know i must keep pushing for her, to make HER proud. I feel like the years are flying to, its like she just died yesterday. its okayto feel the way your feeling.. its perfectly normal and it does SUCK. it fucking sucks, but unfortuntely we have to go through this unfair time in our lives. I was talking to someone who lost her mom when she was 13 she is now in her 40's. she said the pain never goes away it just gets a little easier to accept and live with. mothers day is approaching in the states in May and the advertisements are killing me, i know how u felt. forexample, i went to buy a bday card for my friend and when i opened the bag the cashier had stucka  mothers day advertisement in there, and yupp it hurt alot! i mean ALOt. its like a stab in the heart. i do wish we all lived close to eachother. it would be good for us since we understand eachother so much. i wish i could reach out and give u a hug right now. =/

r u okay?

Stephanie

[vyenna]

Dear all,

I came across this website a few days back. What touched my heart was dat I can exactly relate to wat u ladies hv been discussing- wanting to sleep and not wake up, wishing all this was a bad nightmare and it will go away once I wake up but dat is so not gonna happen, life becomes pointless.. I really thought nobody can understand what Im goin thru- d torment, d heartache, d endless crying till I feel I cant cry anymore otherwise I'll go crazy- till I saw ur accounts. Welcome to a club where the greatest challenge befall its members- losing someone dearest to us, someone we usually take for granted till we lose them.

My beloved mom passed away on d 3rd of Jan 08. She was a bubbly and healthy woman, full of love and laughter for everyone ard her. I am 24 yrs old. I had never been so close to her until last 3 yrs when I started to join our family business. I thank God for giving me this chance to really be close to my mom, learn her virtues and appreciate what a great mother and role model she was to us. We went for appointmts togthr, unwind togthr, stay late in d office togthr. I wished I cld hv savourd d times, appreciatd her more. But its never gonna b..all thse wld remain as memories.

Everythin I do now, be it at work or at home reminds me of her. Sometimes I dont care, I'l just cry it out even in front of my colleagues. Cos my tears r in honor of my relatnship wif my mom. How much I tear is how close I am to her. I noe its been onli 3 mths n 5 days, d feelings r stil raw. When I heard of how ur mothers  hv passed away for years ago, I realise these feelings and pain wil remain. Honestly, I dunno how Im gonna survive w/o my mum but I believe she's up der lookin down on us. Blive me, our mothers r watchin out 4 us in dis life.

When I kissed my mum a final goodbye b4 she's buried, I told her 2 wait 4 me cos I'l b seein her soon when my time's up. Then we'l b togthr 4ever. U noe ladies, dats reali a comforting thought 4 me. dat dis life is not perm, wat im lookin out 4 is d afterlife where I can b 2gthr wif my mum n my late bro (he passed away 8 yrs ago in a bike accident).

Steph, u r rite abt workin hard cos we wanna make our moms proud cos they can c us n b touched by wat we do. D fact dat we hv survived dis far 2 b discussin dis means we hv bn strong (or forced to irregrdls of how weak or crazy we tink we r at times when d cryin wont stop or d motivatn 2 live wanes. Losing our moms mite seem unfair but I blive God tests those he loves. He wont test anyone beyond wat he can take.

I like to share this poem I got from somewhere online- it touched me very deeply. Hope it has d same effect on u ladies:

Loss of Mother Poem

Now that I am gone,

remember me with smiles and laughter.

And if you need to cry,

cry with your brother or sister

who walks in grief beside you.

And when you need me,

put your arms around anyone

and give to them what you need to give to me.

There are so many who need so much.

I want to leave you something --

something much better than words or sounds.

Look for me in the people I've known

or helped in some special way.

Let me live in your heart

as well as in your mind.

You can love me most

by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,

by embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.

So, when all that's left of me is love,

give me away as best you can.

~ Author unknown

We'll share our grief togthr ok. Hug Hug....

[stephysteph13]

vyenna,

Hi thanks so much for replying to us. Losing our moms is a horrible horrible thing. I struggle alot with it. For example, I dont know about where you live but mothers day here is in May. And i went to get a birthday card for my grandma today and i passed the mothers day cards and a minute of sadness hit me so hard. I struggle more and more knowing that she will never be with me again, and its tough believing that sometimes. believing that she is never going to be w me again is real real tough. i hope you will be ok. i know you will, but it is a long struggle. ive been going through this for almost 2 years. it will be 2 years in september that my mom passed away. its tough to think that she is gone. ughhh the pain never ends. I used to be care free always laughing and stuff and now im just real quiet and blah most of the time. When i think of how my life would be if she was still here it scares me. my life would be so much better if she was still alive and i was able to hug her one last time. it sucks. i wont tell you that it doesnt get a little easier but for me it got harder this year then last year. but everyone is different so it may not be for u. usually the more the time that passes it hits us harder as we start facing reality. i feel for u and understand u alot. it means alot to me that so many people care about eachother on this website and u will find that many many people are in your shoes and your not alone. you will never bealone and coming to this website might help you alot, i know its helped alot of us. Im always here for u. feel free to talk. im listening.

Hope your okay.

Stephanie

[minnababy]

steph; i'm as okay as i can be i guess. i don't think i even know what okay is anymore.  the lack of motivation thing is tough - i have days and days where i just can't do anything, or i sit just looking at my work, it's horrid. it just all seems so pointless. yet other days i work so hard, too hard, because i want to be the best and get good grades because it's the only way i know my mum would be proud of me. it's very confusing tho - one day i'm almost quitting uni, the next i'm up til 3am doing work, it's messing my head up. it's like i don't know who i am anymore. i wish time would just slow down and give me a chance to catch up with everything. i can't imagine ever getting to 40, i can't imagine coping for that long without her. i can't believe i'll probably live more of my life without her than with her, it's SO fucking unfair. good luck with mothers' day, i found it incredibly difficult, you already know that. the advertising is a killer, once the adverts on tv start and stuff there's no escape. :[ and every time one comes on it's like being stabbed. i'm not sure i'll ever stop being jealous when i see girls with their mums, everything's so fucking hard, everthing. i want my mummy. i'd give ANYTHING to hug her one more time, why does this have to hurt so much? i'm finding it hard to see the point in anything anymore... how are you doing? x

vyenna; hey. i'm sorry to hear about your mum. she died exactly 6 months, to the day, after my mum. july 3rd 2007.  i still find everything very hard to deal with, it seems to get harder and harder every day. it hurts like hell, and i can't see that ever going away. i miss her so much. it's so hard to be strong anymore. i've stuck it out for nine months and it's only got harder. it seems to just get harder every day. i still need my mum so much. and people don't understand, unless it's happened to them too. the future scares me a lot, i don't know how i'm meant to get through it without her, there's so much i still need her for, so much she'll miss. i understand a lot of what you wrote. i hope you're doing okay. x

[alysonm]

Dear all,

I know this is probably the hardest thing we have experienced in our lives so far and hopefuly it will be the hardest thing and nothing worse will ever happen. I often worry about my other loved ones dying enexpetedly and that scares me to death, I think someone else dying in my life would certainly push me over the edge right now. Anyways, my previous counselor told me a few days after my mom died, that I needed to make this grief my own. That I needed to let the grief come and what ever happens happens, and whatever I feel I need to just let it come and not hold back because this is the only time I'm going to have to grieve for the death of my mom. I am only going to lose my mom once so I need to make the grief my own and really really just let it happen how it happens. Grief is an automatic natural response to losing something we love. 

     Her saying that was exteremely helpful in understanding that what was happening to me, the feelings the emotions that are happening are supposed to happen, and they are normal, no matter what they are.

Minnababy- I am worried about you. I know the feelings of wanting to die. I know them, I struggle with them as well. I think it is normal to have those feelings when you lose someone you love,especially someone as important as a mother. I hope that if those feelings get so strong that you want to act on them you seek help. The lure of death is strong, I know, especially when you think of perhaps being able to reunite with your mom, but try to hang onto living. I just I really want you to be ok and safe. I know it's hard to promise safety. And maybe it's hypocritical of me because I don't know if I could even promise safety. I just care about you and what you're going through. The same goes with Steph.

[sadbeyondwords]

Hi all, I lost my mother 8 weeks ago. I am new to this site. I am scared out of my mind to be here. I am scared to be without my mom. I hate my life now. I hate it more than words can describe. I feel like life is completely pointless- 100% pointless. I dont want to go on anymore without my mom. Everyday I wake up and I want to vomit as soon as I think that my mom is no longer with me. I cant take it. It just doesnt seem real. How is it that my once breathing mother is not here. The most beautiful, loving woman. I miss her so much. I am worthless without her. I dont see any point in doing work or succeeeding if she is not here to appreciate it. She was not supposed to die when she did. It was hosptial mistakes entirely. She went into the hospital for a minor procedure and they killed her. The fricken doctors killed her. She suffered so much in the hospital. I want to die thinking about how much pain she was in by the time she died. I hontestly do not know of anyone who has died so tragically.  it is not fair. She was helpless. She was intubated on a respirator, they made a mistake with the breathing tube and they had to put it down her throat 3 more times and she was never sedated. She had  tubes coming out of everywhere. She was in so much PAIN, she was crying but no one would give her pain meds. That is all I can remember, Her crying with tubes everywhere and she was banging her arm against the bedrail because she was in so much pain but could not talk because she had the tube in her mouth. It is horrible. Why my mother. no one else has experienced this. Only my mom. They never helped her at the hospital. They killed her. How can I ever live. She was not supposed to die. She was healhy. I am so scared. I think about what would have happened if I had never brought her to that crap hosptial. She would be alive. Oh my I feel like dying. They killed my healthy mom. I will never see her, hear her, touch her again. That is just wrong. That cant be. How can this be. I need her more than anything. I dont want to have any time on this earth without her. What is the point. She cant be dead. I am so angry. She cant be. I dont know what is the purpose of life. I hate the doctors. They were horrible. They treated her like garbage and these are the memories I am left with. My mother suffering in her last days with these crap doctors. How could this happen? Why did this happen to my mom.  

[ramsfan]

I know it's hard right now and I wish I could say it gets better/easier.  It does but then there's certain  days when its fresh in your mind.  I miss my mom terribly she passed away in August. I'm having a bad day today and there's no one I feel I can talk to you.  I do  know know my mom would want me to be stronger as I'm sure your mom would want you to as well.  My mom supposedly had a strong heart yet she had a massive strong that took her life.  Was she scared, did she call out for me did she know her time was here?  Questions we all ask ourselves.

To this day I still get sick to my stomach thinking of seeing my mom not moving..not breathing .  I hold on to the memories and her gorgeous smile she had.  That's where your support will come from the memories you shared with her.  You must go on with your life and have faith.   Work on her behalf to get answers you need for closure... make her your well  not let this happen to someone else.         

[stephysteph13]

ramsfan,

are u ok? why is today a bad day?

steph

[ramsfan]

iSnce last week I've been emotionally.  The tears just come... I just want 5 minutes more with my Mom.. There's so much I need to tell her.  Each day is getting harder for me.  Is this normal?

[stephysteph13]

minnababy,

i've had a few good days i guess. but by good i mean too busy too feel anything but of course she was still in my mind. now that im by myself of course im beginning to feela  little shitty. madi please dont give up. u need to live, by living u may be able to help others by your pain. after all you have helped me you are a friend to me  its tough, and it will never be easy, but we have to do it. take it from someone who understands what u are going through.. we need to hang on for our mommys. i understand how you feel about school work, right now im suppost to be reading school chapters and am i doing it? no. i guess thats why im so scared to attend college because well i dont know im just scared. scared and no mom to turn to for advice on entering the "real world" i guess you could say. i want you to be able to live for your mom like im trying like hell to do. i know its not easy though. it prob will never be easy but hopefully one day we could feel the slightest bit of happiness. so im doing alright right now but god knows what will happen tomorrow. my emotions are all over the place. but i havent been doing well for a LONG time. today i passed the mothers day cards and cards for mom's birthdays and it hurt it hurt ALOT. write back soon let me know how u are doing i care about u!

stephanie

[stephysteph13]

it is completely normal!! do u have msn messenger or AIM we could talk more??

If u dont mind me asking.. how old were u when mom died, how long has she been gone? its a tough thing. it will be 2 years in september that ive lost my mom and i feel like crap most of the time.im trying to get through each day because i know thats what she would want. im here to talk to. vent to me if you are upset right now. listening...

Steph

[ramsfan]

My mom  just passed away August 30th.. I;m 55 and the"baby" of the family.  My sister has made her comments how she is over my Mom and I'm making a big deal about everything.  How hearltless is that?

 My mom and I  lived 2 house away from each other.  I stopped everyday after work to see her and she would just stop by when she was doing well. This whole grieving thing sucks - I feel like when I'm happy I'm faking it..I don't know if I can really be the same as I was before.  Nothing feels right.

 just going through this roller coaster of ups and downs is draining. 

[stephysteph13]

ramsfan,

you will never be the old "you" and i personally never understood that until my counseler drilled it into my head. we lost something so dear to us and we will never fill that void unfortuntely. so that is something we have to understand. yes, what your sister said was very heartless. its almost 2 years and im worse now then i was the first year. it sucks those are the only two words i can use to describe the whole grieving process. its tough, everything i do i wish my mom was here to see it, and it stinks and makes me sad but i push through to make my mom proud! i knwo she would want me to continue. do u have alot of support? dou talk about it?

[ramsfan]

It's funny up to the day of the funeral the phone didn't stop ringing everyone being so concerned, after the funeral all stopped.  Comments I get are"  I thought you needed your time" or "I didn''t want to bother you".  The lonliness is now!  My husband is very supportive but I seem to be anger at him. He tries to get me to open up but I don't, I've pushed away.  I have a daughter still at home and I try to be strong for her but inside I'm dying.  I had a mom for 55 years now what?

Don't you get tired of hearing - "shes in a better place" or "time heals all "?

[ramsfan]

Steph,

Thanks for the replies... just to now there are so many others feeling the same as I do - makes me feel a better -(I'm not losing it after all)

How old are you?  You mentioned your in school.

[stephysteph13]

yes!!!! those words are dreadful.. ive heard get over it. life is full of bumps u need to move on. she wouldnt want u sad. etc and it makes u feel worse. how old is your daughter at home? bet she is beautiful!

its tough it really is.i wish my mom was here to see my grow and  i knwo u do to. i have so much i need to tell her also. those words people say make the gireving more intense for us and they think they r helping. but honestly it isnt really their fault because they either havent been through it or feel uncomfortable and have nothing else to say. butsometimes people are better off saying nothing at all. its something i wish i could tell these people, but they wont understand. you will never get "over" it. dont listen to people. ive honeslty closed up about it alot because i hate pity and when i just want to talk people say stupid things and just dont understand. so i fake it all the time because that seems easier but hurts more. whatever i dont know. you need to be strong for your mom even though at times it seems impossible.trust me ive been there and still dealin w it. it may get worse before it gets easier but know im always here to talk to. i may beyoung but ive been through more than anyone can belive. more than just losingmy mom. it doesnt matter what age we loose them it doesnt make it any easier!!!!!! whats bothering u so much right now?

[stephysteph13]

im going to be 18 in june but i really understand u! we can talk anytime. if u are still upset u can keep venting ill be on for awhile. im graduating june 20th then off to nursing school

[vyenna]

Steph dear,

Thanks for ur reply. U seem so young yet wise beyond ur years. Im sure ur mom wil b very proud of u- how u copin on ur own n ur advice 2 other members. I sure m very proud of u

Ramsfan, u r lucky ur mom is stil ard 2 c u get married n hv kids. I wish my mum can c me settle down. She keeps teasing me abt marriage n how quickly she wants me 2 hv children but now she wont b here 4 all dis  It breaks my heart reali bad 2 c girls out there wif their mothers shopping or eating etc. I get super envious and quickly move away 2 avoid d pain. Sigh..

Sadbeyondwords, my heart goes 2 u. I can relate 2 d ventilator part. My mum was similarly intubated to help her to breathe so her lungs can recover. But, she was put on sedatives so she wont struggle. Dats when she was unconscious rite 2 d very end. I cant bring myself 2 share dis wif u cos it brings all d painful memories of seein her in bed and breaking down countless of times, imagining d pain she's goin thru. At dat pt, I wld gladly exhange our positions so she wont hv 2 go thru d pain. I cant bear 2 c her in bed, not able 2 talk or move. I prayed 2 God for her 2 recover every single day. I told my mom 2 b strong. I guess she did rite 2 d end. It pained me so so so much 2 c her sufferin dat I asked God 2 guide me 2 do wats best 4 her. Very soon, she drew her last breath. I knew God is tellin me dis is d best 4 her..

Minnababy, Im scared **** of d future 2 w/o my mom. All dis while, she's der 2 guide me. But now, i gotta do it on my own. I feel lost n helpless most times but i talk 2 my mom in my heart. Askin her 2 guide me n bless wat im goin 2 do next. Dis reali helps cos I reali blive she's watchin out 4 my whole family.

Mum, wherever u r, I love u. U r d best mom a daughter can hv. Rmbr I told u dis at d hospital n then I rubbed my nose wif urs, waiting jus waiting 4 any slight movement or openin of ur eyes. Thank u God 4 d opportunity 2 b her daughter n d invaluable times we shared. God bless her kind soul. My prayers for all ur beloved mothers.

[minnababy]

i don't know what to do anymore. i was sitting at uni today thinking things couldn't get any worse than this. then my little brother phoned me crying. apparently he's been skipping school and his teacher told him he's gonna fail his exams if he doesn't start going. it really upset me cos my brother hardly ever cries, not in front of me. he'd had an argument with his dad as well, and that upset me too. i don't see my dad but i don't understand why he has to say horrible things about me, about my mummy i mean she's DEAD but he still has to say nasty things about her, it's so fucked up, i iwsh he'd died instead and i don't care if it's wrong to say that, h fucked up my life, my mum's life and got away with it, he gets to live a perfect life while me and my brother go through hell and my mum died it's so unfair. i feel like SUCH a failure, i mean he's my baby brother i should have been there for him, been a better sister or something. every time i phone him up, he told me he was okay and although i could tell from his voice that he wasn't really i kinda thought when he wants to talk about it, he'll tell me, i didn't wanna push him but now...i just feel like i've let him down. and i don't know what to do. i can't even sort my own life out, but i feel like i should have helped him i don't even know how, but thinking of him sitting at home all alone crying kills me, i want to help him, because i know exactly how he feels and it's hell. why do things just keep getting worse? i can't concentrate on my work at all now, i want to make things better for my brother, i feel responsible for him somehow, cos he's just a kid really, i can't fucking handle this anymore everything just gets worse...i need my mum so much, she'd know what to do and how to fix this mess i need her so much, i can't make things better. i just want everything to be like it used to be, why is that so much to ask, why do we deserve to lose everything when other people have everything i need my mum. how do i deal with this, everything is so fucked up i don't even care anymore. i just can't do this. i want to make everything better but how can i make things better for my brother when i can't make them better for myself? i need someone to help me, maybe just to tell me that i'm doing okay cos i just want to give up. i can't do this anymore what's the point, i want my mummy, i can't even put into words how much i need her right now

[ramsfan]

Minnababy - Be strong for your brother.  You said your mom would know what to do - taking charge of the circumstance is a step.  Think of what she would tell your brother and talk to him for her.  Yeah I know it sucks but he needs your strength to  hold on to.   It's times like this  when your feeling the lowest your heart is pounding and so many thoughts going  through your head you just want to scream.. Since last week I've cried over everything - today I have control.. tomorrow... hell who knows. 

I had my mom for 55 years - then poof she's gone - It's been 8 months for me yet I still can't look at any of her pitcures.  I have some out  but I just can't stop and look.  When I clean I just quickly wipe the area and go on.  The day I stop and look I'll probably loose it more.. there was no reason for her to die..Now what am I suppose to do?????

Steph,

So young yet such words of wisdom come from you.  Your mom must of taught you well because your strength is overwhelming.  I have a friend who lost both parents and her sister by the age of 20.  Her parents were only children so she had no aunts or uncles.  She put herself through nursing school and today is one the Head of ER at   one of the largest hospitals in California.   Her strength was her moms memory..  

[ramsfan]

Vyenna,

Yes,  I was very lucky for my mom to see my children .  I do believe Moms teach us the value of life.  When the day comes and you fall in love it will be so special to you because your secret smiles will be aimed towards heaven at your Mom.  You'll remember the teasing and it will bring a smile to your face - it will be you and your Moms secret.  I'm dreading Mothers day this year.. I just want to sleep through it.. Even though I do have family around I still feel alone because I do also want to go shopping with my Mom.  Even to see her give me  "The Look" of when she wasn't to happy about something and I knew I was going to get "the lecture" I long for.

Your not alone - as you can see there's alot of us with the same heartache we may have different circumstances but our loss makes us alike.

[stephysteph13]

ramsfan,

Im actually attending nursing school in September. I know it will be rough without my mom, but i will do and make my mom proud. thanks for noticing my strength. i just see life so differently now, the things that were one "big" are nothing now because ive been through alot for my age. not only mom death but there were family issues and control issues. for example my stepdad has my moms ashes and wont answer me phone calls since xmas day i want them she was my mom. butim giving up hope. ive learned to look at the brighter side of life, so many people have it worse than me however i am depressed over it and right now i actually feel kind of crappy but that will happen throughout my life. i had an acceptance dinner tonight and just wanted my mommy there like the other kids had its really not fair.but i know she would want me to continue my life also. its def a life altering effent. i talk to a teacher of mine who lost her mom 10 years ago she was 15 now she is 25 and still struggles w it. how r u feeling?

steph

[ramsfan]

It's a good day today    ask me again in a few minutes who knows.  My neighbor passed away yesterday so when I got home from work my other neighbors were telling my husband.    They all looked at me weird when I got home from work and continued talking about the lawn.. I knew something wasn't right about the conversation because the lawn isn't all that great..  They told me about my neighbor and my stomach hurt and I felt my emotions getting the better of me.  They didn't want to tell me becasue they thought I would get upset which I was but upset again over my Mom.  I don't mean to be disrespectful but that's how I felt.

What was your award dinner about?    

[stephysteph13]

i understand how u felt when your neighbor passed. ive been in situations like this. it wasnt really an awards dinner. it was an acceptence into the nursing program dinner. we got to meet professors and students.it was good. but missed my mom.and mothers day is another killer. and its approaching and i hate it! im excited and nervous about school. it was fun though and my best friend, my dad, and my aunt came w me. i have support. do u talk about mom alot? or are u bottled upa bout it?

[minnababy]

ramsfan;

how am i supposed to be strong for my brother when i can't even be strong for me anymore? i need my mum to tell me what to do, i don't know what she would have said but she could have made things better, just the way that i can't. i don't feel like i can talk to him when i know exactly why he isn't going to school, exactly how he feels, how am i meant to make this better for him when i feel the same way, and i can't make it better for myself.

it's been nine months. i find it hard to look at photos too. last year i had photos of my family and friends stuck all over the walls, this year i haven't been able to put up any of my mum. there's just one by my bed. i can't even talk about my mum anymore. i can't say the words 'my mum'. why? if i'm talking about something and i need to mention something my mum did my heart starts beating really fast and i have to change the story and say 'we did this' or whatever. even just typing that made me feel like i can't breathe properly.

i know what it's like to have your mum for your whole life and then have her ripped away from you. i only had my mum for 19 years, but that was still all my life up til now. i don't know how to live without her anymore.

i just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

[stephysteph13]

minnababy,

hang in there!i know its tough, i know but u cant give up. I'm sure you have alot of friends that love and care about you! Its going to be a struggle but you are going to be alright. i know you dont believe that now, but it will ease a little. Try to stay tough, im not saying it is easy.. im depressed too. Our life will never be the same, we just have to take one day at a time. I wish you had more support and my heart aches for you in that aspect. I'm sorry about your brother... must be VERY difficult. Just don't blame yourself for how he is doing because A. You dont live with him and B its not your fault, you cant change the way he thinks because your not him. All i can say is just try and be there for him when he needs to talk, and try to lead him in the right decision. i know that might even be hard because u arent doing well either. its ok to feel the way you r feeling trust me but dont give up...

hope your okay. thinking of you always.

Steph

[minnababy]

steph; everything's so hard now. i didn't think things could get much worse, but now i just feeling like giving up everything...for the first time ever i feel like i'm really struggling to do my work at uni, up til now i've kept pushing myself to do well because i know it would make my mummy proud of me...but now it's so hard to do. i just want to sleep all the time. i don't really know what happened to make everything so much more difficult but it's so hard to do anything anymore. all i can think about is how much i really need my mum right now, it just fills my head, i can't think about other stuff anymore. it's like my head's just given up, i can't do anything and i feel like i'm gonna fail cos i can't think properly anymore. i wish i had someone to talk to who understood how i feel, i mean yeh i have friends but they just don't get it, y'know. and they say things that really hurt, like how lucky i am to have extra time to do an essay. yeh...i'm lucky. :/ i just feel like there's no point in anything anymore, i want my mum. why can't she come back?

how are you feeling? x

[alysonm]

Minnababy- wow I feel exactly the same way. Earlier in the semester I was doing better. now I could care less about my school work. actualy it isn't that I don't care I just don't have the motivation or the energy to even make it to class anymore. I also feel like I could sleep all day, sometimes I do. I missed class today becuase I slept through it amd the pathetic thing is is that my class isn't until noon. And it's so weird because I've never been like this before about school I've always been a good student with perfect grades and I never missed a class and blah blah. And i don't even care anymore. ANd all I can think about is how I'm never going to see her ever again and how much I just want her to be alive, and how much I hate my life now, and how alone in this I feel. I don't know why this grief is so intense right now, more intense than it's ever been really. I just feel like I need her so much now, I don't know what I am doing or what I need to be doing I just need her to be alive.

[minnababy]

alysonm; i just don't get it. until now my uni work's been the only thing that has been going okay, it's just been keeping me going, knowing that continuing to get good grades would make my mum proud of me...but now it's all messed up. a lot of the time i just don't see the point, but even when i do it's like my head won't work properly, i can't think. i already had to get an extenstion on some of my work, and i still feel like i'm falling behind, i just feel like i can't cope with it anymore. and it makes me feel like such a loser cos i've never got bad grades before, but if i don't sort my head out i think i'm gonna start. it honestly feels like my head is full of cotton wool, all i can think about is my mum and how i need her so much but she's gone and how i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up, and all the other stuff i need to think about is behind all this cotton wool and no matter how hard i try to get through it i can't. so whatever. i want to just give up but at the same time that makes me feel so bad because my mum never gave up, never stopped fighting even though she knew she was dying, why am i so weak? i make myself go to uni every day, but when i get there i don't do anything....what's wrong with me? i don't know why my motivation has suddenly disappeared, i've got on with it up til now but suddenly it's just like what's the point? there is no point anymore. i need my mum so much, and it's so desperate, like i've never felt like i needed her this much before, everything seems to be getting worse and i didn't think there was any way it could. but now i just want to sleep all the time, i can't do my work i can't do anything i feel like i'm losing control of myself i don't know what i'm doing anymore i just need my mum why can't she come back i need her to make me better again i need her to be alive

[stephysteph13]

minnababy,

people dont know what they are talking about when they say stupid things.. ive learned to ignore them but i know its tough :/ they dont understand that u want there to be less time for the paper and have your mom alive. i know.. its tough. dont give up please. im worried about u and keep praying for u because i know you arnet handling this well at all. you know im always here for u though... ALWAYS!!!

steph

[alysonm]

Minnababy- I'm so sorry it's so hard right now. I know how it is, I really do. The lack of motivation is something that I am struggling with so much right now. I wish I could be there with you right now I really do, you and me and steph, it would be so nice if we could all just be together and comfort each other. I really just want to wrap you in my arms because I feel your pain, because your pain is so close to what my pain is right now and what I want right now is just someone here physically to really care what I'm going through. I'm so lacking in motivation in my school work and missing it so much because I'm sleeping so much, that i'm considering dropping out. That's how far gone I am in my schoolwork, I'm considering giving it up. Maybe that's what you need right now, although I'd be worried aout you spending so much time alone. I worry about you. I want you to be safe. I know you want to sleep and never wake up, so do I, I think that's probably part of the reason why I feel like sleeping so much right now. Don't give up. I won't give up if you don't give up. I'm here for you. And I know Steph is here for you. I know what you're going through. YOur mom died in July. mine died in August so we are practically at the same stage. I wish I could help you more. Hang in there.

[minnababy]

alysonm; i wish we could all be together too, i would be so good to have people who completely understand how this feels. just to have people who totally get it, who we can just be ourselves with and feel like we want to and not have to worry about how i'm making other people feel. it's so hard at uni, cos my friends don't understand, which in a way i suppose is a good thing cos i'd never want this to happen to any of them, but now it's like they've just got sick of me being sad all the time, i'm not doing it on purpose i just miss my mum so much, sometimes i can't even talk everything hurts so much. but it's like i have to force myself into this pretend happiness when i'm with them so as to make them feel more comfortable and it's not fair. i just want my mummy back. i want to feel like it's okay to feel sad but they make me feel so bad, like i'm not trying, like it's something i can just snap out of. motivation/concentration is getting crazy, my head's all over the place how i meant to do my work properly? it's just so annoying cos until recently i had no problems doing my work. i miss my mum so much, especially recently, it's horrible, and missing someone who you know you're never going to see again, it hurts too much. i want to go to sleep and never wake up ever again, but i know that would be the easy way out. my mum never gave up, even when she knew she was dying she never stopped fighting, and i have to try to be that strong too, even though it's so hard right now. our mums would be more proud of us for trying to carry on, than giving up, even though that's all i want to do right now. i won't give up if you don't give up. i hope you're doing okay? x

steph; i'm here for you too. maybe all three of us will get through this with each others help. i don't know, but it definately makes things a tiny bit better knowing that you guys understand. i try to ignore the hurtful things people say, i know that in their eyes they don't even see it as being mean. it just hurts tho when there's loads of them telling me i'm so lucky, i just wanna scream at them sometimes, they have a family, thay have a mum, i'd give up ANYTHING to have that back. everything seems so hard right now, i feel so lost and alone without her, thinking about the future, even the near future makes me feel so sick because it's so scary, how am i meant to be okay again when my mummy isn't here? i want someone to look after me, i miss just feeling safe. how are you today? x

[stephysteph13]

minnababy,

im alright i guess i mean im not horrible but ive also been busy. but im starting to feel a little shitty as we speak. it sucks! there is no other way to put it. im sorry you r struggling so much and like alyson said i wish we could all be together. its so tough without people who understand and dont judge u. im just having trouble accepting the fact that she is gone forever. i cant understand how that could just happend. the stab in my heart is huge. how r u holdin gup? tell me what u are feeling.

Thinking of u like always

Steph

[sheela]

she is alive but just somewhere else than here -- thats how i see my mom -- like shes on a permanent vacation somewhere else .. when ever i see a plane go over head i just sit and think to myself there goes my mom on route to another vacation spot maybe another  perfect and pretty beach somewhere ...

[sheela]

its like my cousin told me yesterday she also lost her mom last a few months after i lost mine ... she said she looks at her moms picture every day and just thanks her for paving the way for her each day and helping her to get thru each day -- i know it hurts i hurt so much too -- theres no words for the terror and the pain i feel each night and each morning when i wake up and realize that shes gone .. at night i wake up panic stricken and horrified all over again and again and again ..  my mom and i never thought i could survive on my own i just dont make enough money each month .. we both had agreed on that  long before she died .. and he i am almost a year later surviving.. i hate the sadness but it will be ok -- it will always hurt a lot but life will continue it has too there is no other way ..

[dancingirl]

Well I haven't written on here in a while. Things finally seem to be looking up a little bit more. It's been almost 4 years since my mom died. And nobody can believe it. I still constantly get to see my moms family which is really important to me because I think I feel like if that were to ever stop that my connection to her (which I feel is harder and harder to grasp with each passing day, month and year) would shrink even more. I am heading off to college in the fall, off to West Chester University of PA, a school very close to my moms family! And also my number one!!! One of the strangest things happened to me today. One of my very close friends...trust me I love him like a brother, was making "your mom" jokes at school not offensive, just stupidly adding "your mom" to the end of a sentance as in someone says "man I'm starving" and he would reply "your mom is starving" something stupid like that, very much in his character and normally something I would just laugh at. But then he directed one at me...again not offensive just some stupid remark and then he said "Your mom...(whatever it was)" and it shocked me so I looked at him and said "Do you know where my mom is?" Knowing very well that he knows shes been gone for almost 4 years (four on May 27th actually). It just shocked me that he would make such a stupid remark and it also shocks me how I am reacting, I don't know if it is an over reaction (I didn't yell at him, just told him very seriously not to go there) and I am also sort of wondering if my reaction has to do with the fact that the anniversary is so close to now. Anyway thats what I was dealing with today, big deal or not it just kind of bugged me.

 

On a different note, things have been getting a bit better as I said. The only thing that really bugs me (well there are several) is that there are somethings that really BUG me about how my dad is as a parent. I love him dearly and I know he does what he can and I am sure raising me from age 13 was not easy but sometimes I just feel like he doesn't have all the answers but my mom did. My dad lets me get away with a lot more than I think she ever would and I love that but at the same time I would not be dealing with half the issues that I am put in if it was up to my mom.

I am scared to gradaute. I wish she could be here with me to watch me and take pictures and yell her lungs out. I wish she would be able to meet the guy I marry and help me pick out a wedding gown and watch me come down the aisle. I wish she could hold her grandchildren and watch them grow up. I wish that whoever I end up marrying could have known my mom, so that he would know how to comfort me on our wedding day and when we find out that I am going to have a baby and on all the days that she deserves to be there and she's not. I wish I could have had one more day with my mom so that she could pass on some of her teenage girl knowledge to me and tell me how to deal with the dance teacher I eventually grew to despise and thus left the studio. I would do so many things with my mom if she were here with me again.

[stephysteph13]

dancingirl,

I just want you to know I understand greatly about what you said. Being the same age as you and have lost a mom.. things can be very rough. I lost my mom.. it will be two years September 20th and is struggle everyday with it. Im also graduating this June.. got into the college of my choice and I know she would be proud of me.. however I dont want to go through it without her. it really stinks. I want her there to see all thoset hings too and not having them is really getting me annoyed. Another thing is these Mother's Day advertisemtns they hurt like hell, which Im sure u understand. How long would you say it took you to feel "okay"? i find this year being alot harder on me as the previous one... well im lucky for all the support i have. but then other days it feels like no one cares or understands. Do you still talk about it alot? Do you attend counseling? If not I highly recommend it.. it helps me alot.

With your dad situation  i have the exact same thing.. we r very close however i feel mom was more the "parent" type dad is more of a friend however treats me awesome. its like he lets me do whatever i want.. but i miss the disipline. i dont know its hard. like i dont want to get yelled at but when  i dont it feels like something is missing. hope u understand. hoping we can help eachother.

write back soon

Steph

[glassduck]

I lost my mother on December 24, 2007. I found this thread because I have been up most of the night keeping myself busy. All of a sudden I started bawling so badly. It got worse and worse and I typed in "wanting to die to join parent" in google and found this. I am sooooo depressed. My mother was pretty much my entire family, except for her mother. The rest of the family just ignore me. Except, of course, right after the funeral. False hope. I keep waiting for it to get better, but it is only getting worse. I drank before, alot. Now it is just ridiculous. I drink, have no motivation and just feel like I am floating in outer space alone. I came to help my mom and step-father about 6 years ago due to his health, then my mother got ill from CHF and died eventually. Since then, my step-father has become an evil bastard, well he always was really, and I have nothing of mym mom's, can't go to their house or business, which I ran for them after coming here so started my own and just everything is a fight. I am trying my best to make the business succeed, but it feel like a lie. All I want to do is die and be with my mom. I am more depressed than I knew could exist. I put on a good face alot of times, but 24/7 I am really just empty and sad. I know that drinking will probably kill me, and for some messed up reason, I am kind of OK with that, because I can be with mom again. That is what started me crying so very badly, realizing what the drinking is doing to my body, but then I thought about dying and seeing my mother again and I had another drink and just cried ten times worse. God, I I used to be so alive before I came to help them, not that I regret it, per se, because my mother and I got so very close during that time. In fact, my mother and I got so beyond close, which makes it so much more difficult. However, since then I have lost my identity, become more depressed and isolated than I ever thought possible and lost myself. Seriously, just gone. I am like a locust shell still walking around, that is how I feel. 37 and life seems over. I am not sure that if I do not change things that I will be alive by the end of next year, and sadly, that does not scare me as much as it should. My best friend and I barely even speak any more, the distance between us is like an ocean, my friends have distanced themselves from me because either they can not relate or tolerate me and I am just in my own world; numb, fuzzy and blank. I hope that someone can relate and I am sorry if I was too depressive for even this thread,but I had to get this out.

Michael

[butterfly13]

glassduck-just to let you know,I feel the same way you are feeling.I'm 39 and just lost my mom(my best friend).My future seems so long and lonely without her in it.I just go through the motions of every day life,not caring what happens any more.If I was told today that I was dying,I would be happy,at least their would be a chance of seeing her again.The possibility of living 39 more years without my mom seems impossible.When I wake up in the morning,my first thought is "I wish I was dead".Why is life so cruel and unfair?Sometimes I wish I hadn't been so close to my mom(she was everything to me)then maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.My dad passed 7 yrs. ago.I had 2 of the greatest parents ever,both died before the age of 60.I work in a physical rehab where the average age of my patients are over 80,I can't understand why both my parents were taken so young.I wish I had encouraging words for you,unfortunately I feel the way you do.

[perfectfan]

dear dancingirl and stephysteph13,

i too miss mum's rigid rules and strictness.  i used to complain that i'm like a caged bird who yearns for freedom but she always ties me with her nylon string. now that she's gone, i miss being scolded for using the computer for too long, miss being nagged at, miss those little bickers i had with her.  i am from singapore so i'm not sure about your education system over that, but if im not wrong we're about the same age, are we?  i'm 17 this year.

it's good to know we have sucha lovely and supportive dad but it's never the same as a mother's care and love.  it's just so different. he gives me alot of freedom, doesn't restrict me, doesn't question much.  but i do make it a point to share my day with him

[lgoldenm]

Wow, glassduck, I can feel the pain coming through! I lost Mom just last week, and I am already getting that empty feeling. I hope you and I can both start feeling a little better soon...our moms would not want us to feel bad all the time. I had a few issues w/Mom but loved her dearly and miss her so much already. You were really close and prob identify so much w/her, you feel bad that you aren't with her right now. But maybe, in a way SHE is with YOU!

Let me know how you are doing.

[perfectfan]

[user=18145]alysonm[/user] wrote:

I miss my mom. I did thius thing today where this thing is jst repeating three words and you automatically make up a phrase in your head that is partly in your sub councisous and mine said my dead mother my dead mother my dead mother my dead mother. How messed up is that. I slept til 130 today. Why? I don't know. I can't get out bed. I feel like I could sleep for years and not wake up. I feel ike I could sleep and when I woke up this would all be gone, she would be alive and I wouldn't be failing a class, and I would have some f***inig money. Everything would be better. If i slept for a year. no one gets that.  In auguset my life was interupted, shattered, and put on pause when she died, in NOvember, the tape burned, was ruined, had to be fixed, went to the hospital, everything changed, was set back to pause, and continued to be interuppted. Interupted and paused at the same f***ing time. I am not myself. I am not who I want to be. I am not anybody. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know where my life is going, or where I want to be. I've never felt so old, or young at the same time, in the instant she died, I became an adult, yet at 22 years old I've never needed my mom more than right now. I really wish there was someone who completely understood me. I'm not tryng to feel sorry for myself. I just don't want to be so alone. BUt at the same f***ing time, i odn't want anyone to get too close. I just wish she was here. I know we didn't have a great relationshop. I know htat. I wish we had a chance to fix that. before she died. now theres no chance to do that. And I hate how I'm doing this all by myself. I know if she were alive, she would be helping me with it. and she would be concerned about it and she would ask me about it and I know I would be hesitant to tell her about it but at least she would care about it, you know?I just want it to go back so bad. So bad, I don't want this to be real. i know it's ridiculous, it's almost been 8 months so why can;t I accept that shes dead? I don't want to accept that she is dead,I want her to be alive. I want to talk to her I want to see her. I want to be around her. I want to go home. I want to go home and sit on the couch and be with her and talk with her.

i fully agree with what you wrote.  i feel so lost and lonely without my mum, i used to tell her about my daily adventures but i find myself locking up in my own bedroom, just... doing nothing and rotting online

and i used to enjoy going to school but now it's sucha dread and torture for me, at one point i almost feel like dropping out but dad told me to just hang on and finish these three year diploma course first and then venture into something i want. 

it's weird though.. i just feel like being a social worker, an oncologist or just working in hospitals.  it  makes me fee connected to my mum, somewhat.

cheer all ladies, we aren't alone.  our mothers are watching us from above! =)

p.s: and im so glad im not lonely here who is lacking the motivation and all, but strangely even without studying i manage to scrap pass and get some decent grades (i was pretty sure my mum will be proud of my o levels grades despite the distraction i faced during that time)  but i know she'd hate me if she knows i have been skipping classes and not taking my work seriously :/ i dont want it to happen either, each day i cannot erase this guilt but i cant control it either.  i just wanna shut down and all. how i wish i could just drop out of school sigh

[butterfly13]

perfectfan- I work in a hospital,I wish I felt the way you do,all I can think about everyday is -I can't beleive that my mom was one of these people,laying in bed,suffering.Most of the patients I work with get to go home,how come my mom didn't get to come home?I feel so depressed when I'm at work(actually I'm depressed ALL the time)but especially at work.All I can say is-I miss her,I miss her,I miss her!!!!!

[perfectfan]

[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

perfectfan- I work in a hospital,I wish I felt the way you do,all I can think about everyday is -I can't beleive that my mom was one of these people,laying in bed,suffering.Most of the patients I work with get to go home,how come my mom didn't get to come home?I feel so depressed when I'm at work(actually I'm depressed ALL the time)but especially at work.All I can say is-I miss her,I miss her,I miss her!!!!!

you can try channeling those energies to spur yourself to work harder, be an inspiration to all at the hospital.  your mum's soul resides in YOU and she would be happy to know you are contributing to the society.  doesn't it plaster a smile to see a patient being able to go home?  you will always think of your mum and smile and be happy for all the times you had with her.

[butterfly13]

perfectfan- You have a great outlook on life.I guess it will take me some time to get there-I'm still bitter.Most of my patients are 80 and over,my mom was 59 and my dad was 55 when thay passed away.I guess I just feel cheated out of ALOT of time with both of them.