WHY DID YOU MARRY ME??

[turquoise]

Michael, my beloved husband of 37 years, and I met March 3, 1968.  Six days later we were married.   As we were standing in front of the Justice of the Peace, Michael asked me "Honey, why do you want to marry me?"  I replied, "Because, my love, in you, I found the other half of me."

 

As Michael was slowly leaving Earth for his journey to cross over into the Spirit World, he opened his eyes, looked at me, barely able to speak and quietly asked, "Honey, tell me again, why did you marry me?" I replied, "Because, my love, in you, I found the other half of me." Our eyes, hearts, beings and souls locked together into a few seconds of an exquisitely beautifully bonded bliss that was to be our last shared moments of humanness. What a priceless treasure. What a gift!!!

 

[turquoise]

[user=19088]aurora[/user] wrote:

Turquoise, I was so moved by what you wrote. The 9th will be my wedding anniversary and I remember looking into my husband's eyes when we said our vows and I felt the love like you did. I was denied being with him at the end or even seeing him because he killed himself. I wish I could have been there to tell him I loved him.

I am so very, very sorry for the pain and sorrow of your loss.  I send you many (((((HUGS))))) of understanding and support.

Even though it may seem of little consolation,  you can still tell him.  In my case, I have much better talks with my Michael now, than during our last few days together.  I made my own special candle out of pure beeswax and light it when whenever I feel the need to talk with Michael.  It is a very satisfying ritual that I receive great serenity from.  I feel the need less and less now, because our love is so firmly planted into our spirits. 

On the eve of the 8th, I will light a special candle for you and your husband and let it burn until it goes out.  I will hold you close in my prayers on the 9th.

Turquoise

[maamgrey]

What a wonderful priceless gift you gave each other.  NOTHING can make up for the loss but at least you have that memory.

Mike and I were supposed to get married this May.  I'm so sad that we won't get to have our wedding, not because of the flowers or gifts or food (we were having a really small informal gathering anyway), but because I wanted the chance to stand up in front of my family and friends and tell him how much I loved him - and still do.  I know he knew and knows it and so does everyone else, but it would have been special to say it at our wedding.

Sue

 

[turquoise]

[user=19509]maamgrey[/user] wrote:

What a wonderful priceless gift you gave each other.  NOTHING can make up for the loss but at least you have that memory.

Sue

 

Thank you, Sue.  You are so right about the memories.  Each and every memory of me & Michael's 37 years together plus the never-ending love we shared creates the strength I use to keep moving forward, keep healing and keep living.  I live in humble gratitude and thankfulness for this strength.  I learned early in my journey of grief that pain and gratitude cannot occupy the same space.

I miss my Michael deeply but with the gift of the great strengths, I am able to honor Michael by living, loving and being well.

Turquoise

[maamgrey]

I hope that I am able to reach that point someday.

Sue

[aurora]

Turquoise (((((((((HUGS )))))) too! Thank you so much! I will think of you lighting the candle. That is so nice.I will light candles too. I plan to make the 9th a very meaningful day. There is a rose we planted in 2005 and it is finally blooming this year. It never has before. There are miracles everywhere if we can see them. I feel like you are a kindred spirit. I hope all goes well for you this week.

[turquoise]

To maamgrey and aurora,

I learned early in my journey of grief that pain and gratitude cannot occupy the same space. Most of the time, I choose gratitude. The times, when I do choose to experience the pain of grief, it is done to truly remember the beautiful lessons of gratitude.

I miss my Michael deeply but with the gift of the great strengths, I am able to honor Michael by living well, loving well and being well.

By "…learning to respond to each moment as it comes….," grief taught me the valuable lesson to nourish who I am in this moment. Allowing Faith and Trust to open my heart, I finally see the beauty of me.  I do not label myself as a "widow" because in our society this label comes with a stigma attached; a stigma that I choose not to ascribe to.   I am vibrantly alive with some wonderful living left to do.  Michael's great, eternal love enriched me with such great beauty.  I use this beauty to light up my new life.

It is true, when my darling changed Worlds, I was by myself, but never was I alone!!

aurora, no matter how we are freed from the boundaries of this earth, we gently and truly return to the Source of Love that created us.

Turquoise

[aurora]

Turquoise, you have such a beautiful healthy outlook on life and death. You are an inspiration during my grieving process.

[heartbeataway]

Turquoise,

Your words to your husband were beautiful! I'm not sure why I even ended up reading them. I stay in loss of an adult child predominately.

The last words my son said to me were, " I love you Mom".  He died suddenly and totally unexpectantly less than 48 hours later.  He had undiagnosed heart disease.

Life will never be the same.

Thank you for sharing.

Jay's Mom ........ ~b

[turquoise]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

Turquoise,

Your words to your husband were beautiful! I'm not sure why I even ended up reading them. I stay in loss of an adult child predominately.

The last words my son said to me were, " I love you Mom".  He died suddenly and totally unexpectantly less than 48 hours later.  He had undiagnosed heart disease.

Life will never be the same.

Thank you for sharing.

Jay's Mom ........ ~b

Dear Jay's Mom,

My heart goes out to you in your time of loss.  May peace fill the silence of your sorrow.  May loving memories be your path to peace.  Someone beautiful has walked on, but leaves a path of beauty behind.

What really encouraged me in always moving forward in my healing from the pain of grief was to take care with my thoughts and my self-talk.  What I think, I create.  My thoughts become things.  If I think something will be horrible........guess what, it will DEFINITELY be horrible!!  Or, "I will never get through this, I am destined to suffer from now until I die."  But, if my thoughts go like this:  "This will be a difficult situation for me and I will experience deep pain (or agony, discomfort, embarrassment, fear, etc) but I know with great Faith, I will get through this and be stronger for the journey."  The situations and events that this can be applied to are endless.  But it must be used fervently.  It doesn't have to even be believed at first.  But practice, practice, practice.   Write the phrase down and carry it with you.

 

Having been a consummate, professional horse trainer for over 30 yrs, I used those skills to train myself to heal.  In training horses, compassion, kindness and positivity are the greatest tools for success; and, the successes are measured in tiny increments....tiny steps.   When one is in the throes of the most horribly, painful feelings of their entire life, DON'T STOP—KEEP MOVING!!!  I have heard countless times when I share my story at over 50 grief seminars, "When my spouse (child, parent, sibling) died, I died with them and my life has ended."  Now, this is 100% true, but only to the extent that it is the shared life on this earth with the beloved that has ended.  Then, too, a large percentage of those folks refuse to/don't know how to create a new life.  It is common for these folks and fellow grievers to feel that by torturing themselves with as much pain as they can inflict on themselves, they are honoring their beloved departed one so much more.  But, just sit back for a moment and do a "what if" scenario.  What if you, yourself, died, was killed, committed suicide, etc, would you want your family and loved ones to stay in a painful, morose, joyless, depressed agony for the rest of their time on this earth; day after day, year after year????  I absolutely wouldn't.  I would pray that they transplant themselves into a wonderful new life to once again experience joy, happiness and love. 

 

I have heard the cry, "Will I always feel this way?"  or "Will the pain EVER go away?"  My answer is a resounding, jubilant YES, YES, YES!!!  The pain will recede when you choose to let go of it; but, only if you choose to heal the pain of grief.  You must decide for yourself, "Am I clinging to the pain because if I let it go I will lose the love for my beloved or they will forget about me or I will forget about them?????"  I can assure you with all of my heart that if you stop clinging and release the grip on what can never be, you will experience the closeness of what can be.  (I feel such a warm, loving, close relationship with my Michael, now.)  Do you always want to feel "this way?"  It is your choice!! 

 

At the beginning of my grief journey, I did not know how to live, love and heal from the pain.  So, I decided to tell myself each and every time I accomplished something new, alone, in my new life that I was doing it in honor of my beloved Michael.  Even something as insignificant as driving down a road Michael and I used to travel.  I would tell myself, "I am driving down this road we shared in honor of Michael."  OR  "I am listening to our favorite music to honor my beloved Michael."  OR  "I am donating his clothes, tools, Veteran's regalia, etc., to honor the great beauty of my darling Michael."  It may sound silly, but as I kept doing it, the loving, honoring, and humble gratitude eased the pain away from my heart and soul; leaving the precious memories alight in our garden of togetherness.

 

Everyone heals at their own pace.  Consider it to be like planting a seed.  It seems like forever before the little seedling pops through the soil and starts growing towards the energy of the sun, to blossom and grow to grandeur.  But, we must keep watering it even if we don't see it yet.  So goes our healing. 

 

The mind is critical and sharp, with a tendency to focus on what's wrong, rather than appreciating what's right. When you have gone SO far that you can't manage ONE MORE STEP!---------------------Remember, you have gone just half the distance you are capable of.

 

Turquoise

 

[heartbeataway]

Turquoise,

My husband and I were talking just yesterday. We were at the airport waiting to board a plane to Virginia. (We live in Texas.)  He wasn't looking forward to the visit and wanted to go home.

It's painful ........ painful to sit in the airport, we remember the night we flew home after learning that Jason was gone. The drive to my sister's is in the area where Jay lived.  Lots of memories ..... he wasn't sure he wanted to go there.

I told him that I've chosen to try to remember the good and not dwell on the loss. Jason was like sunshine to us. And thinking of him still is.  The sunshine just blinds us with tears now and probably will for awhile.

We are looking at homes for a possible move. Jason had a business that is doing well and we would like to honor him by continuing his legacy to us. We're finally able to consider that ........ it's been almost 13 months. His house is on the market and I would like to live there.  My husband is not sure that he could live everyday with the memories of Jason running down the stairs on sitting on the back porch, playing with his dogs in the backyard, etc.   These are the things that give me comfort.

Your email was like confirmation to me that I'm on the right track.  Before I went to sleep last night I was talking to Jay and I asked him to help us with these tough decisions.  You, I believe, were used to convey that I'm on the right track.

Thank you!  I now know why I read your beautiful words to your husband .......

Wow!!

[turquoise]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

Turquoise,

My husband and I were talking just yesterday. We were at the airport waiting to board a plane to Virginia. (We live in Texas.)  He wasn't looking forward to the visit and wanted to go home.

It's painful ........ painful to sit in the airport, we remember the night we flew home after learning that Jason was gone. The drive to my sister's is in the area where Jay lived.  Lots of memories ..... he wasn't sure he wanted to go there.

I told him that I've chosen to try to remember the good and not dwell on the loss. Jason was like sunshine to us. And thinking of him still is.  The sunshine just blinds us with tears now and probably will for awhile.

We are looking at homes for a possible move. Jason had a business that is doing well and we would like to honor him by continuing his legacy to us. We're finally able to consider that ........ it's been almost 13 months. His house is on the market and I would like to live there.  My husband is not sure that he could live everyday with the memories of Jason running down the stairs on sitting on the back porch, playing with his dogs in the backyard, etc.   These are the things that give me comfort.

Your email was like confirmation to me that I'm on the right track.  Before I went to sleep last night I was talking to Jay and I asked him to help us with these tough decisions.  You, I believe, were used to convey that I'm on the right track.

Thank you!  I now know why I read your beautiful words to your husband .......

Wow!!

Dear Jay's Mom,

You are a very wise lady.  You love your beautiful son well.  Remember, our beloveds never stop loving us as we never stop loving them. 

Always be sensitive to your actions to see if you are living in the past or whether you are bringing the strengths of the past forward as a new foundation.  How to know the difference.  Living in the past is painful agony......but, using the strengths  from the past as a new foundation brings peace, healing and gentle acceptance. 

Remember, no two family members grieve the same.  Even identical twins grieve differently.  Even though grief is an all consuming emotion, each family member needs to be compassionate for the other no matter how different their grief is expressed.

Here is my story as I have shared it at over 50 grief seminars in four states.  I freely volunteer my time to share that there is healing from the pain of grief. 

You will never get over the loss but you can get through it and heal the pain.  You can experience joy and happiness and peace once again.  If joy seems like a far-fetched idea and you cannot find any in your soul to bring forth, then borrow Jay's joy of life with you as his most precious parents.  You know he loved/loves you.  You know he loved life.  Then look at life through the joy he experienced for a little while.

I send you many blessings of strength, courage and healing.  And, when you count how many days he has been gone, also count how many days you shared together as parents & son.

Here is my story:

My name is Turquoise; I am 62 yrs old, a retired horse trainer from the State of Washington. My precious, most beloved husband, Michael, made his journey home, June 20, 2005, 10:40 PM, after a devastating, decimating, bravely fought, 3 yr journey of stage IV stomach cancer. We shared our married life for 37 yrs. We were closely entwined sweethearts from the instant we met to our final shared breath. Had no children and neither of us had any family. We were each other's family. We had bumps, curves and potholes in our life but the clear spirit of the pure synchronicity we shared, blessed us with the crystal clarity to love deeply, freely and beyond eternity. Yes, I lost my spiritual soul mate, my kindred spirit......the love of my life.....whose face was my moon, his smile my sun, his eyes my stars, but Michael will always be a part of me and my life. I will never, ever forget my Michael or our devotion to each other and our shared love. But, I choose to be happy again. My life will never be the same as the one I shared with Michael. However, I choose to create a new life that will make Michael proud of me. By creating a new life, the essence of Michael's beautiful spirit will live on THROUGH me.

Hours after Michael's Crossing Over, I nearly went insane with the overwhelming, devastating, macerating pain that became an unwanted companion. For a short, horrifying time, my strong, well-tended Beliefs flew away and hid in distant, giant trees. I was thrashing in an ocean of confused agony. It felt like my entire being was slashed and ripped by dull chain saws and shredded by shards of broken glass. The agony felt like the force of a million cannon balls slamming explosively into my mid-section. I was battered from every possible angle with explosions of dark, suffocating desolation. I screamed out to anyone and everyone……………"What do I do? How do I make it through the next second……..the next 10 seconds………the next 60 seconds???" For answers, I received blank stares and averted faces which only sped up the perceived draining of my soul.

A few days later, I was at our local office supply store making copies of Michael's death certificate. Shaking with an empty weariness only the bereaved can understand, I saw a poster lying on a nearby copy machine. It was a quote from St. Francis of Assisi which read "Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." Just those few little words of guidance opened my heart and began allowing the strength of my Beliefs to return and nurture me through the greatest of all lessons of learning and enrichment of my lifetime. That quote became my Mantra. It was a tool, an aid, a beginning.

I am deeply & humbly grateful my darling is free of the pain and damage of cancer and chemo. Now, he is whole, beautiful, healed, free and joyful. I know he is laughing and running and shining with the brilliancy of the beauty of his true spirit. And yet, when you see me weep, worry not, as it is merely the expression of the human part of me watering the beautiful memories in the "Garden of Our Togetherness" and, also, a clearing out any remaining particles from the agony of loss. By doing so, it makes room for many more loving memories to fill in the empty spaces. I held onto the pain of grief ever so lightly, so it's lifting was gentle and swift.

Immediately after Michael made his journey Home, I made a conscious choice to heal the pain of loss. I searched hard for positive, forward-moving guidance. I tried 11 different support groups, to no avail. I did not want to remove the pain of grief, nor did I want to get stuck in a puddle of grief. I was seeking guidance of how to FACE GRIEF AND MOVE THROUGH IT to learn the lessons grief needed to teach me. I only desired support for healing and NOT the enabling of perennial suffering. I did not want to become a bitter, hand-wringing, whimpering caricature of my former self, living life dragging grief around like a ball and chain. I knew, even at the earliest stage of loss, I did, indeed, have a choice of whether or not to allow anger and destructive behaviors to be a part of my grief. Instead, I chose healing.

With the tenacity of a badger, I forged on, telling myself daily, hourly and even moment to moment, that I knew, without a shadow of doubt, I would make it through the fires of this great adversity intact and become even stronger. I wrote out those very words and other words of affirmation and read them to myself at least four times/day. I read a total of 75 books. I scoured the internet. I called......I sought help.....I faxed whomever I could, to seek guidance and healing. I found the Grief Recovery Institute, located a qualified GRI trained counselor and embarked on gifting myself with the tools of healing.  But, in reality, I literally trained myself to heal the pain of grief.

I totally believe and accept grief is not a life sentence of pain. It is, though, the vehicle of necessity to move me through the transition from being Michael's wife to being Turquoise, newly single, healing, beautiful and loved by Michael. Although grief arrived uninvited, free will is mine to choose how long its tentacles are able to clutch at my being.

My healing can only be activated in the moment of the present. I cannot exist in the past. Mourning ended when I realized strengths could be brought from the past to help create my new life in the present. The mourning of Michael ceased the instant I accepted living once again. For then, my focus shifted from loss, pain & devastation to concentrating on the new life being created. The loss, pain and devastation then became added strengths by being reabsorbed into my healing.

Oh, yes!! I do miss my Michael and I do feel moments of great sadness. Michael will always be a part of me. For, he is the warm glow of love that will forever reside in the entwining of our spirits. Our beautiful relationship is now of the ethereal form, woven into the golden tapestry of the fibers of my heart, soul and essential being. A sweet melancholy has replaced that sharp, gnawing, all encompassing pain that had taken up residence deep in the core of my soul.

I strive to remember that what is a burden on one day will be a gift on another. So, with the grace of my strong Faith, I hold on tight when the ride of healing gets a little bumpy, knowing that the new life I am creating will become all I need it to be.

I choose to remember Michael with love and not sorrowful grief. I choose to honor the 'presence' of Michael's Love instead of grieving his absence. I choose to celebrate, with humble, loving gratitude, the gift of our time spent together rather than mourn the loss of it. By accepting Michael's richly deserved freedom, I have become whole! Grief has taught me that my life, now, has a different meaning, new depths and new horizons. To me, grief is the greatest lesson of all in how to CELEBRATE life. My interpretation of grief defined my reaction to grief. I chose to make it my friend and teacher. Recovering from grief was only as difficult and as painful as I chose to make it. For strength, courage and support, I keep these words of Maya Angelou close in my heart: "I can be changed by what has happened to me but I refuse to be reduced by it!"

My Beloved Michael:

Aug 11, 1944 – June 20, 2005

U.S. Army – Vietnam Veteran

Served with the 41^st SIGNAL BATTALION

COMPANY D

To my precious, beloved Michael,

Today, June 20, 2006, is the one year anniversary of your crossing over to the Spirit World. You have given me the greatest love I have ever known. Death does not tear us apart....for we are much closer now than even when we shared this earthly plane together.

The presence of your love fills my moments of missing you with the serenity of gentle acceptance. The Light from within you taught my soul the graceful lessons of Eternal Love. Thank you, my darling, for the priceless gift of this miracle.

Michael, I have absolutely no regrets and no guilt. I would not change even one tiny nanosecond of the 12,876 days we were blessed to share, as it would cause a chain reaction of missed beauty.

I believe, with every fiber of my being, you are always closer than my next breath. Time and space can never separate us. With the deepest abiding love, I accept our new relationship. I vow to live my life in a Good Way to honor our precious love and your beloved memory. This is not "goodbye" Michael, but simply "hello" to our new lives. As a truth to hold close, our love will last even beyond the Realm of all Eternity.

Dearest, Darling Michael, go with Grandfather. I release you into the eternal beauty and joys of the Spirit World. Be happy, baby, and keep my love with you!

 

MICHAEL, I LOVE YOU

I BLESS YOU

I RELEASE YOU.

I SET YOU FREE TO BE

I SET ME FREE TO BE!

(1^st Year Anniversary)  On June 20, 2006, I had a reservation at our favorite restaurant. I ordered our favorite selection and celebrated two very important things...........a one-in-a-million love shared between Michael and me.........and, moving on with my life. It was a delicious, momentous, healing event that I enjoyed to the highest degree!!! And, yes, I did shed a few sweet tears. In lighting the beautiful candle gifted to me by the restaurant owner and staff, I saluted Michael, the love of my life; for his never-ending love & devotion gives me the strength to stand alone as I face the world out on my own.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

(2nd Year) On June 20, 2007, I celebrated the second anniversary of beloved Michael's Journey Home. The celebration was a grand affair. At our favorite restaurant, the Chef prepared a delicious meal for me. He chose an entirely new selection as a special tribute and symbol of moving forward and moving on. There were a few moments tinged with sadness but they were quickly transformed into happiness by the intense brilliance of the remembered love, gratitude, joy and thankfulness that we were so deeply blessed to have shared during our wonderful and loving life together. Our beautiful memories are forever held in the silvery entwining of the priceless treasure of our blessed loving devotion.

Michael is healed.

I am healed.

I love Michael.

I love my new life.

It is good.

All is well.

And so it is.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Within 193 days after Michael's Crossing Over, and over a period of 4 months, I attended a total of seven funerals of our closest friends.

Ten months after Michael left, I was brutally attacked in my garage late one night and left for dead. The injuries were severe and very extensive. However, I could not sense any healing in the hospital so I stayed only long enough for the medicos to inflate my left lung. I checked out of the hospital and healed myself at home. The real healing began when I chose to completely forgive the perpetrator and made total peace with the event of the challenge.

Sadly, the remaining people in my life couldn't identify with me anymore. They needed me to be the same Turquoise who shared life with Michael. With great care, I tried to explain why & how I was different, now, but it rattled the thoughts about their own mortality and was far beyond what they could grasp. They needed me to remain unchanged for that was the only way they could continue to feel safe in their own lives.  I lovingly and gently released these beautiful beings back to where they needed to be to feel safe. 

I loved them enough to let them go.  (It did hurt and I do miss them.)  Graciously and humbly, I am beginning to create a new circle of friends who support me with like minds.

<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*

I will never get “over” losing my beloved Michael but I have moved forward “through” the pain of Grief to the welcome shores of healing where I now experience joy, peace, love and a renewed zest for living.  

My new life is entirely different from the one I shared with my Michael; but it is a good life and I love it!

On my journey through Grief to healing the pain, I willingly, graciously and humbly died thousands of little deaths that I might live on anew and renewed.  

Now, every time I think of Michael, I hug him in my heart!  (I hug him a LOT!!)

<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*

Sometimes the only form of transportation is a Leap of Faith. Even when I feel moments of terror in not being able to see the path, using my great Faith in the Universe as the only form of Sight, I will continue taking the steps ever onward and forward in the creation of my new life.

I have been through many great challenges and for that I feel humbly, deeply blessed.  Challenges are only lessons and not attacks.

Thoughts become things………………so, I choose the good ones.  My life is formed by thoughts I project into the future.   As I think, so I create.  My thoughts go forth and create my future.  I can create a new life only from the present and not from the past.

Turquoise

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight inside a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  Anais nin

[heartbeataway]

Wow!  What a beautiful story you have to share.  Your words are like poetry ...

And very comforting.  Jason was my only child, our only son. I do have other family and a network of friends.  I don't know if I could be as positive as you are. I hope to be one day but I am not now.

You sound very strong and confident. I envy that also. We are just plain broken. I think the trip here to Virginia has been a bit of a set back.

Thanks for sharing with me. I'm not going to have much computer time in the next few days so forgive me for late responses.

Bonnie

[eventually]

[user=18570]turquoise[/user] wrote:

I have heard the cry, "Will I always feel this way?"  or "Will the pain EVER go away?"  My answer is a resounding, jubilant YES, YES, YES!!!  The pain will recede when you choose to let go of it; but, only if you choose to heal the pain of grief.  You must decide for yourself, "Am I clinging to the pain because if I let it go I will lose the love for my beloved or they will forget about me or I will forget about them?????"  I can assure you with all of my heart that if you stop clinging and release the grip on what can never be, you will experience the closeness of what can be.  (I feel such a warm, loving, close relationship with my Michael, now.)  Do you always want to feel "this way?"  It is your choice!!  

 

You give me so much hope that someday I may have this outlook...Right now I'm so afraid that I will forget him...I know I it's just crazy to think that, but in moments of weakness.....My beloved soulmate left me on a Saturday morning on Aug. 4th (9 months and 16 days ago.  He was only 29, he had a enlarged heart, no one knew.  I had to call 911 and give CPR, let his parents know we were on our way to the ER.  His last memories of me were seeing and hearing me screaming and crying for him to come back..........

-Mishi