I Miss Her So...

[stanger]

Thanks Mark for your acknowledgement. I fear posting a bit because some of you have just been leveled with tradgedy. I only got a short time with her. I honor you folks. I hope.

[bandit1716]

I have a question.I am trying to get myself and the kids thru the holidays. I am sum better,its been 7 mo.Should I include my wife Sharon in Thanksgiving grace? Also I have a pretty good picture of Sharon and myself of last Christmas. Should I display it at Christmas.The kids want to have both holidays at our house. I just don't want to pretend she is not with us.I would like her to be remembered without runing the holidays.I don't know if this makes sence or not. Larry

[stanger]

Yes, cause it already hurts. Just keep her in this new way.

[liteamorn]

Larry,

If you feel better by doing that than by all means do it. What I have been doing is basically whatever I feel is in MY best interests and that relays to my adult children. I didn't want to have to decide what to do for Thanksgiving . I left it up to my girls for a while and as the day got closer and no decision was made I chose to go accept a gracious invite from my brother and his family for dinner and my girls agreed to join me.

What I am learning is that my girls and I go through the exact same emotions and thought processes but at different times (especially my youngest who is still living home with me). I had an unbelievable stretch were most of my days were ok and my grieving seemed to be managable. That is until Saturday, when all of the sadness came back and hung like a cloak on my shoulders. I couldn't shake it no matter what I did and I really didn't want to shake it anyway. My daughter was stuck on sadness for 2 weeks preceding this and couldn't understand how I was doing "so much better" than her.

Maybe a suggestion ? Tell the family ahead of time what you are planning to do and if anyone has anything they would like to do in this direction it would be welcomed.

I too am at the 7 month stop on this journey , what I really want I can't have so I just look for the next best thing available and go in that direction.

Ed

[bandit1716]

Thanks for the replys.I to had a good period the last two weeks. Now getting ready for the holidays has me almost back to square one.I am begining to believe less in heaven and more in hell. I am living in hell. I can't figure out why I can't shake some of this pain.I have thought, as most of you have, what has this terrable hold on my mind. All I remember is nursing her at the end. Her face with all the pain is what I see.I wouldn't let anyone else help. I thought that was my job. I am paying for that now.I am nearly back to planing for the end. I will go thru the holidays ,for everyones sake. I feel sure I am going to come out of the holidays in bad shape. Larry

[alwaysmyjennifer]

may the venerable day of saint turkey of rotisserie be filled with with juicy blessings for all. luv yas, Mark

[wordscanhelp]

Is there someone missing this christmas?.

For many, this will be the first christmas after the loss of a loved one, a time that is traditionally a family holiday, and that the loss is felt more acutely. For others, another christmas without them.

How do we handle this?. I believe we accept it, and, we use it to remember the past family gatherings, the happy times, the good memories that would not be there except for the fact that, the absent loved one was a part of our lives.

I read of a family that always had an empty chair at the family dinner table. That empty chair at the table may not be empty, although you may not be able to see anyone. Talk to that space, your ears may not hear the reply, but, your heart may hear it.

My sincere hope is that you are not alone at this time. I believe that talking is the best way forward.

Maybe there is a lonely person nearby who would also like to talk,or by talking to your family, to a close friend, to your God, or, through the medium of a website such as this.

Leave a message, answer a message, leave your thoughts, leave your wishes, help yourself, and, help others. You are not alone.

My very best wishes for the future to all,

www.wordscanhelp.co.uk

[bandit1716]

I am sorry . I don't want anyone near me on Christmas.I just had a small stroke and escaped the hospital 2:30 A.M. Wed. morn.Everyone is mad at me ,police.kids,hospital. I don't care I don't want to be away from our home for a minuite.I have figured out that I won't have to take my life.God is going to give me a chance to be with my beautiful wife very soon. My body and mind is going down hill rapidly.I have lost 25lbs.I am trying to get everything in order.I know God won't take me to heaven if I take my life but will if i die of natural cause. I am so tired that going to bed is a treat,getting up is hell. Going to bed now.Probly Jan 11th. to the 18th. Larry

[Kelly]

Hello all,

Thank you for being members of our message boards. In March I am going and speaking to a group of funeral directors who really want to learn how to help their families they serve better. The discussion is to help the funeral directors think about what death means to them (including their own) so that they treat people with more companission. I could really use your help by answering this short survey. The results will be shared with this group of funeral directors but not your name. Please copy and cut this link into a new browser to take the survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=816323037425 .

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[leeloominai2810]

Note to everybody--But first to Larry..You seem to feel as though you lost your mate after helping her rather than letting others help,I let others help..and even though there wasn't one chance in a million of Wendy not being helped in her hour of need by a hospital that advertises and boasts of how great they are..They let my sweetheart down in ways that are very difficult to believe but did occur..i have been going thru that hell too...i don't expect you to be happy again nor myself until fate takes us...until that time though i will look for some peace of mind each day-and i implore you and all others to due at least that-as your God given duty to yourself and others. believing in God has not stopped my Grief..is till cry every day after 7 months of losing my sweetheart Wendy..she died at age 29.....she was 22 when we met..and i was 40...we lived together for 7 years....So if you've stumbled upon this Title-or are looking for some more support/peace...so am I..I have found that reading about the afterlife and the spiritual gives me some small measure of peace each day...i find it necessary....even though i come back to the pain each day...i must read...I have found reading books by Mediums helpful,The eagle and the rose,We don't die,Silvia Brown,John Edward,George Anderson,Damion Brinkly,etc etc,Also the G.O.D. EXPIERIMENTS,tHE afterlife EXPIERIMENTS..both by Gary Schwartz,and many other books helpful...i will not date again,i will wait for Wendy..i know i will find her...for those that are on the fence concerning God...all of these books offer help...for those of you skeptical..i reccommend the G.O.D Expieriments..i don't expect any measure of happieness in this life..after promising Wendy she'd make it..and watching her die..this is a plea for help by me as well...always searching for the next moment of peace,the next prayer,the next book or thought or true story of synchronicity that may help,perhaps ive helped someone..and perhaps you can help me..Love,to all,Charles..P.S.i LOVE YOU Wendy.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

leeloominai2810, Charles, I am sorry you lost Wendy, your beloved soulmate in this journey we know as life. I know that feeling of doom when a hospital makes an error, or commits an act in a moment of jugdmental lapse. My wife struggles with a terminal illness that has no great treatment, but she wanted to try a new treatment, hoping for a little more time, maybe something more. Unfortunately, the treatment failed, leaving her worse than at the start, and now she struggles even more. You pegged it well with your term for what we all go through in our trials... it is hell. By showing that you have an interest in reading, perhaps you may find help in reading Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, "On Death and Dying". This is a definitive book on grieving. I tell most everyone to do a little something for themselves, so they can feel a little happiness, which helps while we grieve. Grieving is a long process, so be patient with yourself. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad.

[bandit1716]

For those of you that [want] ABC TV Friday Dec 22 is having a show on Heaven.

Where is it and how do we get there??? I know some of you have the answer. I will tell you some of us don't.Anyway it may not be worth watching. I will give the show a try. Larry

[mtinodin]

We had our troubles as do most couples. We separated for almost a year. Both miserable. We talked everyday, more than once most days, and saw each other quite often. The separation was over. The plan was to vacation in Myrtle Beach for 10 days and to come back and be together for the rest of our lives. The separation proved to be beneficial. We both knew that the rest of our days should be spent together raising the horses, planting the fields, nurturing the flower beds, and gardening. She was 46 and had never seen the ocean, never felt the sand between her toes. “Sublime” was her way of describing it. She could not wait to go back and take my son and her extremely slow twin brother with us. Dreams were shared, plans made, everything was settled to live “Happily Ever After”. July 7th was a gorgeous day. Sunny and warm, a day dreams are made of. She left that morning to take care of things at her place 20 miles away. She never came back. She took her own life. Her name was Carrie and she was the love of my life. I was told by a friend that had had the same tragedy in his life to “Not look for the reason WHY and to cry a lot as it was good for the soul. I cry daily, but am still searching for the WHY

[janiceaden]

To mtinodin

My Heartfelt condolences to you and yours. Just when you think life is looking great it takes something like a death to ruin that beautiful moment of serenity you had planned in your head. I didn't loose a partner but most importantly a mother. I had planned my life around her, until she died of cancer of November last year. My mother didn't want to die, but perhaps accepted her fate and ultimately was guided to leave her cocoon behind and spread her wings. Your wife obviously was looking for something beyond this World. Perhaps the happiness in your Heart was not in her's. I was selfish towards the end of my mother's journey b/c I needed her here. Perhaps Carrie was content that her job on Earth was done. Never ask why, why is it that the good die young, or why some people age and others are taken before their time.

The pondering in our lifetimes certainly makes for great conversation, but dwelling on it only cause greater Heartache and hardships..... The future doesn't always have to be so bleek, let's put our energy into the living, lets still plan our dreams and smile again... I only hope that when your walking down that beach, with the sand in your toes, that Carrie is standing right beside you........ In my thoughts JB

[leeloominai2810]

Dear guy who lost his gal-keep crying as long as you need to,ive been crying every day 4 nearly 9 months,my Wendy died at age 29 after 7 years of living with me,an unfortunate stroke,an unbelievable non admittance by the hospital for a week-even after a nurse said there were the worst bed sores she'd ever seen,and an untimely death....i saw her in my minds eye dying in the CCU Of this hospital...1 hr and 20 minutes after this vision the hospital called me at work-and said "do you want to keep her on full code'-and..if you want to see her again-you'd better get here within an hour....it's about a 40 minute drive..i was there in 15 minutes..she died 10 minutes later...i cry every day...God bless all of you-who write to give comfort..there is a big difference between losing your soulmate and losing one of your parents..you need to decide weather or not GOD can help you...i reach out every day-the pain is still there...i believe GOD..In his way and time will help...truely the only help i want-is to rejoin Wendy...i cant imagine losing your soulmate-and not turning to GOD-or the hope of an afterlife...i don't wish to anger anyone...i just don't think the buck up -and move on-and spend your time with the living is applicable-when your soulmate is on their 1st half of life-this side of 50,i dont accept Wendy's death-and won't accept it...maybe there are some of you-with some ideas-that have lost their soulmate-that can help myself and the last guy in question..i do recommend reading...i am reading a great deal-to bolster my faith in the afterlife...especially since it is my choice to wait for wen wen...that could be a long wait-and a life of misery,c'est la vie...I want my Wendy back..there is hope...i need more hope...more reading..prayer..etc...some books that have got me over the crest of waves(although the waves never stop) are we don't die by George Anderson,the G.O.D. Experiments bY gARY sHWARTZ,afterlife experiments by gary shwartz,The Field by Lynn McTAGGART etc,thanks-any love or ideas..P.s...If you care to say a prayer for a stranger...could you pray that Wendy Sedonna-Irene Milnes and Charles Morris will be together again when i die...it's all i care about.

[Guest Guest]

Hello Everyone,

I have joined here because I recently lost my girlfriend in a car accident. She was killed the night of feb 2 07 while exchanging information with another driver from a previous minor fender bender. It will be a month tomorrow now that she has been gone and I am finding it really hard to find any reason to keep going every day. That makes it even worse is that I missed a phone call from her just 5 minutes before it all happened and after a short amount of time not being able to get ahold of her I went looking for her (because I knew about where she should be) and found the accident and medics at the scene. I relive it all every night when I close my eyes and find myself missing her more every day. She was only 22 years old and had so much to live for. I just dont understand how something like this could happen to such a wonderful person so full of life. It is tearing me apart inside that I never got a change to say good bye, that I loved her, and that I wish I would have been there with her. That I would have taken her place to protect her. And it is also tearing me apart that it looks like they may let the person that killed her go instead of punishing her for killing a young woman the way she did. No one deserves to go the way she did... I just feel so lost and angry right now about this whole thing... and im not sure exactly what to do anymore.

Thanks for listening

troy

[kathy51]

I LST MY HUSBAND IN JUNE ..HE DIED OF SUDDEN CARDIAC ARREST WHILE JOGGING...VERY HEALTHY....IT WAS A SUDDEN LOST TOO..GUEST I DONT HAVE THE ANSWERS..JUST KNOW I AM THINKING OF YOU..

[Guest Guest]

i lost my girlfriend on march 4th 2007. she was 19 and in good health. she died in her sleep and it seems no one could have dont anything. I dont know what to do..........please help

[leeloominai2810]

SOMEBODY-ANYBODY...GOD give us some answers-Perhaps thru people who just feel compelled to check in today...everybody's grieving-i hope someone has something to give..my friend said ''hey-you're Charles Morris-you'll make it'..I've been praying not to wake up for 10 months since my girlfriend died..i met her at age 40..she was 22..we lived together-ate together..drove everywhere together..she died at age 29...last may 22...i am praying for help,iam crying everyday..i don't except her death..long-and drawn out-and painful...and the incredible heartbreak in her eyes...GOD Where are YOU?PERHAPS-the last few of us we'll have to communicate-iam devastated..iam trying to move..work full time..and see no purpose in life..my time is running out...please write back...its very difficult to give..to someone else-when all the purpose of living seems to have left the earth...i thought maybe..i could give today..i cant seem too...ive lost my soulmate-my companion...i wish no other..i can't..be with another-she said a few weeks before she died-Dont give up on me!i said i was behind her a million per cent....death doesn't take that promise away for me...life is only surreal at this point...like an old episode of the twilight zone-where the character awakes to a living hell everyday...Thats reality now..GOD HELP US ALL..Please,today is rough..everyday is rough..the off days are even worse-today is an off day...Love to everybody,i love you Wendy

[rodless]

I'm not a guy but I indentify with your pain. Somedays life does seem hopeless and you feel like you want to shoot the sun right out of the sky. I don't have any wonderful advice or magic answers. Just know that there are many of us out there who understand what it is like to see no end in sight to the hurting.. then remember that there have been even more who have lived through the experince and gone on to be happy again. It sounds impossible but that thought is what keeps me going at this point. My husband died in July after 5 yr battle with lymphoma. He was my world and somedays it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. Keep trudging! Mary Jo

[leeloominai2810]

Thank you Rodless...Any effort is appreciated,trudging is the word,Wendy was my world-My purpose,and she still is...Whatever we thought was tough before our loved ones passed seems/at least for me easy by comparison...I will not be with another(Person)..thats not how i pictured life..i figured whatever doom or destiny awaited was 20 to 40 years at least for her... down the road..i can't accept her death...ive read 30 books or more since she passed..but i still have time to cry every day..and i do..i didn't imagine that i could grieve so much..cry so much..hurt so much...I recommend reading..which sounds almost funny when i see myself type this...because of the daily hell of living without my sweetie....for those of you wondering why you should pay any attention to that advice..i'll just say-iam still here 10 months after Wendy passed...there has to be a spiritual answer..if anyone at anytime can be snatched away...That one whom we love more than life itself...it can't end there....That is the great weight/burden...when will i see my sweetheart again?I must find her..i will find her...and i will keep reading and praying for those answers...if any of you wishes me to pray for you..or 2 open a line of thought you can respond to this..or directly to leeloominai2810@aol.com..just put miss her so(WEN WEN)in subject line...i ve read a lot of very interesting stuff about GOD as a reality...i pray everyday for Wendy-and for us to be a happy couple again...i Love you Wendy..God bless eveybody here....we will find our soulmates again

[bandit1716]

It will be a year this April. I really feel at this time that there is no heaven.My wife Sharon worried about me so much before her death. She talked to her and my kids to take care of me . Even her sister was to watch that I didn't wear my pants to short. She called them high waters.Now I do believe in God. I just don't believe in heaven.I know I would have had a sign of some kind by now.I have been suicidal.mad and a whole lot of feeling sorry for myself.She was a strong willed lady and I should have had a sign by now.I have taken care of her and my kids,I am ready to go . I can't see myself lasting much longer. My health is going fast. I fired my Doctors. Living this Hell is no fun. Love all of you. Larry

[johngee]

Hi Larry,

I just passed the 1-year mark myself. The pain is not quite as sharp, but at times I feel deep despair. I have found it is important to stay in touch with people who have gone through this and come out the other side wanting to live again. I participate in a bereavement group that meets twice a month. I have found tremendous comfort there, but where I get the most encouragement is from a close friend; his wife past away about 2 years before mine did. He has had to walk where you and I are walking now. He tells me that even after 3 years the thoughts flood in and nearly overwhelm him at times, but just like King David wrote about in The Book of Psalms, God brings comfort. I would not tell you this if it weren’t my experience, as well.

Larry, I find myself spinning in all sorts of memories, only to become angry, confused and depressed over my wife’s passing. I have tried for a year now to figure out why, why so young, why so suddenly, why? Death defies all human reason. Why does a loving God allow such a thing to invade our existence? These are the questions I have asked over and over. I am told it is explained in the first book in the Bible. In later books, the promise forgiveness, redemption and eternal life tell me that I will meet my wife again, and that suits me, most of the time. When it doesen't, I work on getting to acceptance again. There doesn't seem to be any other way.

I never thought of myself as a wimp. I’ve gone through some pretty hard situations in life. None has brought me to my knees like the passing of my wife. I am fortunate to have close friends and a loving God to comfort me.

I’m not sure this is the forum to go into the details, but God’s promise applies to you, too. I’m sorry I can’t be right there to share the details with you, but if you would like to talk about all this a little more, please send a message the e-mail address noted in my profile. Regardless of your choice, I’ll pray that God brings you comfort and peace.

Sincerely,

John

[leeloominai2810]

God bless everybody,i never used to talk this way..and i still don't most of the time..but we all need it...There isn't anybody who's ever lost a loved one-that doesn't wish we could at least see them,talk to them,and know that they're okay...it's something that i struggle with greatly everyday...i've cried nearly every day(i think i may have missed 3 days)in nearly 11 months(may 22 06)since my sweetheart passed(she was 29...i'd known and lived with her 7 years..i met her at age 40)...she said a few weeks before she died...Don't give up on me...i havent...even though she has passed..i want to share everything with Wendy every thought,every view,every moment...how do we get thru this...For those of you who believe that you can never let go(like me)..i think turning to God is the only logical answer...where is GOD?I strongly encourage those of you fighting the same heartache that seems endless and bottomless..to Cry..find time to be alone and cry...And to pray...praying can be just as heart wrenching an activity as anything you'll ever go thru..God bless those of you that are filled with the Holy spirit and can radiate that hapieness...some of us i think are meant to be that way...and i think others like me-are perhaps to be the serious chaps we are..I pray because there has to be a logical answer to the illogic of grief and suffering and i will never stop praying ..eventually I will find God..and i will find Wendy...and i believe you with find your sweetie as well....Read..Please it helps..i recommend The God Code by Gary Schwartz...and The BIBLE CODE..if the Bible Code doesn't blow your mind..and give you very real hope/belief in God..then keep reading..tell me of your struggle..i think were all drowning-and need each other and GOD TO find our loved one awaiting us on the shore.

[leeloominai2810]

God bless everybody,i never used to talk this way..and i still don't most of the time..but we all need it...There isn't anybody who's ever lost a loved one-that doesn't wish we could at least see them,talk to them,and know that they're okay...it's something that i struggle with greatly everyday...i've cried nearly every day(i think i may have missed 3 days)in nearly 11 months(may 22 06)since my sweetheart passed(she was 29...i'd known and lived with her 7 years..i met her at age 40)...she said a few weeks before she died...Don't give up on me...i havent...even though she has passed..i want to share everything with Wendy every thought,every view,every moment...how do we get thru this...For those of you who believe that you can never let go(like me)..i think turning to God is the only logical answer...where is GOD?I strongly encourage those of you fighting the same heartache that seems endless and bottomless..to Cry..find time to be alone and cry...And to pray...praying can be just as heart wrenching an activity as anything you'll ever go thru..God bless those of you that are filled with the Holy spirit and can radiate that hapieness...some of us i think are meant to be that way...and i think others like me-are perhaps to be the serious chaps we are..I pray because there has to be a logical answer to the illogic of grief and suffering and i will never stop praying ..eventually I will find God..and i will find Wendy...and i believe you with find your sweetie as well....Read..Please it helps..i recommend The God Code by Gary Schwartz...and The BIBLE CODE..if the Bible Code doesn't blow your mind..and give you very real hope/belief in God..then keep reading..tell me of your struggle..i think were all drowning-and need each other and GOD TO find our loved one awaiting us on the shore.

[Guest Guest]

Hi all, my sympathies to all of you that endure what I have, I lost my wife March 2nd of this year, she had a diagnosis of cervical cancer in december, I never at all thought anything was wrong, I was happily married 8 years, she was 37, I am 40, and bipolar, she went down fast within a month and i was in complete denial as I was told, so quickly the doctors told her to go to Guatemala, her homeland asap, regretfully I saw her off to the airport never to see her again, after I spoke to her on the phone, she died 3 days later, I attempted suicide unsuccessfully and her friends turned their backs on me, the only comfort I have was being told a bright entered her room and she looked up and said "God" I never feel her around me, I feel God has failed me and left me alone in this world, I should've been in her place, she loved Jesus, she was so loving and giving, and she left me alone with pain and sorrow, I think should've I done something to save her? I seek death and it evades me, moving on seems hard without her, damn the pain, every day is a chore. Thanks for reading

[mimi54]

Dear Guest, I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Keep posting here and you can be sure that there are others who have been in the same place as you are right now. There is a book by C.S. Lewis called A Grief Observed. He wrote it when his wife died of cancer and it articulates all the raw emotions and feelings of losing your partner. You should read it as it might give you some comfort. I am so sorry you have to be here, but know we all will listen to you and witness your pain.

[kathy51]

I lost my husband while on vacation 10 months ago...Strong atheletic type....never sick..died while jogging ..sudden cardaic arrest..51 years old...I come here often to read your post.I too am in so much pain....i READ your post trying to get an idea how he would have felt if it had been me..We were childhood sweethearts...married at 16 and had 34 glorious years togther..I know his heart would be breaking like mine...I have found with my son he tries to hold in his pain..That bothers me..Is this normal..do men handle it differntly?..I know the hurt is just as deep..God Bless you all>>kathy

[stallyn]

Thank you dearly Mimi54, I feel more at home here than in society as a whole, Kathy, it seems as we as men are always told to "be strong" is such a curse as times as difficult as ours, we are frowned upon when we cry in public, I seen it makes people uncomfortable but I am learning as a man that it is OK in the grieving process to let it out, some encouragement from people close makes it easier when the time is right. May God give you peace.

[bandit1716]

I went to the cemetary Mon. It was my birthday.Sharon always made such a big deal of everyone's birthday.This is without a doubt the worse birthday in my life.Oh,the kids rememberd ,but I was so sad that my Sharon wasn't with me.I have to say when someone has a large place in your heart that losing them is hell.Well the next date April 25 will be one year of being alone without Sharon.

They say time heals and I will agree that I have cryed less.How can anyone ever measure up??? Larry

[stallyn]

I agree, my life has been a empty void w/o my wife around, Seems everyday has alot of dull moments, no sense of wholeness or serenity of coming home to a smiling face or affection, I often wonder If I will die a broken heart.

[bandit1716]

Well this is what I think. My mind says that I don't want to find another lady. I was so mezmerized by Sharon that it would be impossible anyway.I am 72 yo and so sad that I can't see anyway out of this. So I will go thru the days left by myself. I really feel this is the only way.My kids take good care of me. Does anyone else get tired easy , I do.I wake up tired. I know this letter is rambling , sorry Larry

[teenyweenygenie]

He giveth power to the faint and to them that have no might He increaseth strength. Isaiah 40:29

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Fear thou not for I am with thee: be not dismayed for I am thy God: I will strenghten thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

For I the Lord thy God will hold they right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. Isaiah 41:13

Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father (knowing). But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Casting all your care upon Him for He careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7

I care also and am praying for you. Help is on the way.

Sincerely and with Love in Christ,

Teeny

[mimi54]

The verses are beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing them. At times of such pain, these words bring much comfort.

[justkaren2]

John:

My love passed away two days ago, and I've been reading and reading the posts on this website to find my way.

I wanted to respond to something you said about being a wimp. This is not being a wimp, but a testament to the degree that you loved her. Only a real man has the ability to love to that degree. I hope that, when I pass, there is someone that loved me at that level, but I know that I would not want them to suffer as you are. I would want them to find happiness. If it was in my power, I would help to guide them to a new love and help them find happiness again. I feel that it would not take away from our love, the love that we had together, but our love would pave the way for him to find the right person. Now that we have known true love, and the devestation of losing that love to an untimely death, we can love better in the future. I know that my Richard loved me deply and he would not want me to be like I am now. I just cannot seem to find my way out of this, but I am going to try because I know that is what he would want.

So, do not think of yourself as a wimp, but a real man capable of real love. I do know this. I will value every person, every moment of every day, because you never know if that will be your last interaction. I am so happy that Richard knew how much he was loved, and he died doing his heart's dream. He did not want to go, he loved each day of his life. He was only 48...much too young, and it makes no sense to me at all. My heart is broken. My life is empty, but I know that he loved me so much, he would not want me to be in this pain. I'm trying to find my way. So far I have been unsuccessful, but I will keep trying for him...because that is what he would want. He wants me to be happy. He didn't want to leave me, but he has, and he would not want me to suffer like this. So I think that the best we can do for our loved ones that have passed is to let them know that we can not only survive, but eventually find peace and happiness.

I feel like I'm rambling here. My thoughts are a jumble. I'm a mess. However, there are some truths that always prevail. My Richard would not want me to suffer like this. I am searching to find my way so that he can be at peace.

Karen

[justkaren2]

To Everyone:

Thank you so much for taking the time to post and share your grief. It helps me so much, you cannot even know. I'm lost, completely and utterly lost. But I find some solace here.

Thank you.

Karen

[justkaren2]

Larry:

My heart bleeds for you. I understand how you feel, because I feel the same way. However, I do not want to inflict the pain of my passing on my children. I am worried for you, Larry. Please consider seeing a doctor to help you through this pain. My friends advised me to do the same. We must recover so that we do not inflict the same pain that we are feeling on others.

Larry, please see a doctor. You need antidepressants, and you need them now. I know how tempting it is to hasten death to be with our loved ones, because I feel the same way. But that is not the right way, Larry. The way that I get through it is to think of how my children and my friends would feel. they would feel so terribly guilty, and just the way we are feeling now. That is why you cannot proceed with your plans to die by firing all of your doctors.

I wish you peace, Larry.

Karen

[bandit1716]

I have put so much thought in how to die. I am going to make a video for each one of my children . I will tell them how much I have always loved them [they already know this].Then I will tell them how miserable I have been feeling and it has nothing to do with them.I will say that my thinking is that I don\'t want to live any longer.I want to be with my wife. Now the way I understand Gods foregivness is you can repent just before you die.So I have the same pills that Dr Kovorkin used,got them online. I will have about 8 to 15 minuites after I take them to repent my sins.I am so tired all day long ,I just want to rest. I need to get the guts to do this. I know it not going to be easy. Larry

[rodless]

Larry, I think all of us who come here have sometimes had thoughts of ending the pain to be with our beloved. It hurts so bad, and you're right about being tired all the time. It adds up to depression and such a lack of hope. But are you sure your Sharon would have wanted this path for you? Or would she have wanted you to stay with your kids and be the best you could be for the rest of your natural life? I loved my husband with every fiber in me and it's very difficult to go on without him, but I believe we need every minute we can have on earth to prepare for heaven. Please think long and hard before you do anything. And join the girls on the I miss him page if you need some more support. Mary Jo

[4everjoeysmom]

Larry, Have you been to the loss of a parent thread? Your kids will be devastated not just if you take your life, but for their whole remainders of life. I probably can't say anything that would change the way you feel. But I do hope and pray that you won't take your own life. You are focused on the actual act not being easy to go through with, but it will be a hell of a lot harder on those who love you. Who will find you? Perhaps one of your children. That image will haunt them for the rest of their life. Do you find not one ounce of joy in yoru children that makes it worth breathing another breath here? What if the attempt fails because God is in control and it is simply not your time, yet you are a vegetable in a coma for the remainder of years, and your children are left to suffer through that as well. We all can have suicidal thoughts and think up a good plan, but what if that plan fails? What if we romantisize it too much so we can go through wit hit and it ends up being the fiasco from hell that you never in your wildest nightmares would have wished upon your family? Do you have any friends at all? Someone to talk to? Someone to grieve with? Anyone?

One of the things that has helped me to cope is to obtain a better understanding of heaven and what happens after death to a christian. If not a christian, then I prefer not to discuss the alternative...it's scary and eternally scary. (non believers--fine--not trying to stir up contraversy or problems, just trying to elaborate on the comment about God and forgiving sin, etc.) But when one goes to heaven, I believe just after the last breath here time stops. There is no time and space as there is here in the finite earth and humanity. So when I get to heaven (when it is my appointed time by God, because I believe that day is chosen before I was born) I will see my beloved and it will be to him like I arrived at the same time as he did--no concept of time. He will not have missed me or longed for me. It is I who muct learn to cope and go on and cherish what gifts are here for the rest of my days. Eternity waits for me for eternity and there is no hurry.

I know I probably said a million wrong things. But Larry, you have to think about this from a broader scope. You have to know that it is not as simple as dying and being with your wife. Sure God would forgive you, but your kids might not, and your wife might not. Then what? I'm sure she would never want you to cause harm to yourself for her or any other reason. Please, please, please, please consider talking to a counselor or a dear friend, or your children. Ask them how they feel... Please. Praying for you, Claudia

[armaiti]

Larry, I'm a woman who lost her partner, but I sometimes look here as well...my mother committed suicide. My best friend's dad committed suicide. That stays with the kids for life. There have been times I want to be with my partner, Ishaq, so bad that I wish I could just drop dead then and there. But taking our lives isn't the answer. And there have been reported cases of people who had attempted suicide, died and were brought back - that pain goes with you. They didn't experience the loving light at the other side. They experienced confusion, and conflict and all the same stuff they felt before they tried to take their lives. We all have things we have to do here. Ask your wife, would she want you to take your life? Or would she want you to stay here and finish your walk in your earthly body and help keep her memory alive for your kids, and grandkids and greatgrandkids (if and when you have them).

I'm not Christian, I follow the Sufi path which is a mystical/spiritual path and the same as my beloved partner who died last July. So I don't quite understand the repenting at the last few minutes part. But I'll share this with you - my mother shot herself when I was in my late twenties, and she was a Christian. I went up to be with my dad and that night I felt her spirit and she was NOT peaceful. Her spirit felt panicked, and scared, and like she didn't realize what she had done. I don't know if you have contact with your wife, if she sends you signs or dreams from the other side, but I know it took a lot of work and ceremony to help my mother's spirit find peace. On the other hand, my beloved Ishaq died suddenly of a heart attack while laughing and playing in a river - he literally died laughing - and the joy his spirit has shown to me and his friends and family is amazing.

I truly believe we take with us whatever impressions and emotions we have been living with when we die. Talk to someone, Larry, get some counseling or at least find someone you trust to talk to. But don't take this route - it will only make you and your family miserable in the end.

I agree with Mary Jo - join us on the "miss him so..." page. Several of the women lost their partners to suicide, and they can tell you what hell it put them through. Don't do this to your kids, they've already lost their mother, don't let them lose their father as well.

You are in my heart and prayers,

Anna Armaiti

[lisabrucesgirl]

I recently lost the man I lived with, was suppose to marry and be the father of my children. It was a sudden death, one minute he was standing and the next he wasn't....he died February 7, 2007. I still can't believe that he isn't with me, won't walk through the door to give me a kiss, or even on of his famous bear hugs. This feeling of loneliness is overwhleming and everyone tells me it will get better and I just don't see that yet. I am still trying to figure out how to get through the day without him. Live a life without the man that I love by my side. my love, my protector, my biggest fan/cheerleader in life is gone! Still trying to grasp the whole concept that I must die in order to see him again. Not fair. I waited 10 years to fall in love and he waited 5 and finally we found each other and heading in the right direction and before I know it...I hear..."Bruce is dead"...."had a heartattack"....those words still haunt me and bring tears to my eyes and goosebumps. WHY ME? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Mind just keeps going, trying to put 'logic' to questions that will never be answered for me in this lifetime. Lifetime....hope it's truly not a long one for me. At the age of 31 I've buried before I've married and feel like I've already lived 1000 years. How does one pick up the pieces? We weren't blessed with kids so the only reason I have toget up in the morning is for work...new job...he was so proud when I got this job...told everyone! What can I say I love Bruce, I miss Bruce, I will never be the same and just sad that he is no longer my partner in this lifetime. A few months have passed and instead of it getting easier it only gets worse. I am so lonely, my cellhpone doesn't ring any more with his cheerful voice and he no longer around for me to hug. What I have done to help me cope id join a scrap booking club we met once a week and I am now a gardener, I spend time at bruce's resting place and plant beautiful flowers hand have lots of one way conversation and will countiue until we are re-united. I am sorry for your loss too Larry. it's a dark, lonely road. I wish you lots of love and light. God Bless.

[bandit1716]

May 17th was Sharon's birthday. My two kids remembered . Her two kids didn't.My step daughter inlaw bugged me from the night before till I went to bed [on her birthday]to borrow money.Never did she say by the way today is Sharons birthday.I have a silent pledge to help them. They are taking advantage of me.They always want. I suggested that they call there Dad.I finally had to call my son,he is the only one that can calm me down. So you see my life is hell. I hate this . Larry

[rodless]

Larry, I also have had problems with my four stepkids. We have finally ended communication after problems with funeral arangements etc.... we don't have a common factor anymore. Is there anyway you can tell yours that you need some space without getting into a big argument? Would your son be willing to do it for you? I know how painful those broken relationships are - the sharp edges can hurt deep. Just take pride in your kids that they remembered Sharon's birthday. That says a lot about her. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how upsetting and painful it is, and how it can just keep playing around and around in your mind. By the way, I'm glad to see a post from you on the board. Mary Jo

[johngee]

Someone posted a message in one of the forums stating no matter how strong our belief in God, the fact is, we have lost someone dear to us and we are grieving the loss. How true! I had a restless night and feel the seemingly unquenchable sadness of being without my wife.

Days like this bring confusion. I entirely relate to the desire to be removed from this anguish by death, but I have two young children who depend on me. So, on the other hand, I want God to take care of me so I can take care of them. I’m just tired of this anguish and sadness. I miss you, Lore!

[naz496]

johngee

I too hasve 2 small children 3 and 7 and lost my husband at christmas 06 of a heart attack. How can it be gods way to take our childrens parent at such a young age. How do we and them get through this. He was only 36.I miss him so much. I am wondering if it is possible to die from a broken heart. My life is so hard and I cant see it getting any easier in the near future.

Larry, please seek help. Your children deserve not to have to relive what you are going through.Please please get help.

Naz

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Naz, I'm sorry you've lost your husband. You have such young children I know it must be affecting them in ways my kids aren't. My wife is in the end stage of the illness, but there's no way to tell what will happen or when it will take its toll on her. Our children are adults, yet even so, they're all deeply affected by this. I've not heard of dying from a broken heart, but I know that life can hit us so hard that we can lose the will and drive to live, which can become serious. As we travel the journey of grief, it's good to talk with others, especially those who are also grieving. This is the beauty of BI. This is "our place" where we can talk about this painful experience. We're here for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad

[imisstg]

Johngee, I hope you don't mind put I took a piece of your post and quoted over in I miss him so. I too can relate to not wanting to be here. I have no children, unlike yourself and that's what hurts we were kind of trying. Although my age is'nt young, I have always had the desire. I get so caught up in wanting to be with him, it stabs like a knife in my heart. I hope you go and read what I posted over in "I miss him so" as my best friend kick me in the head with something she said. It acually ticks me off at times because, now I can't be sure I'd be with my love again, if I left this world the way I was going to try to. I don't want to move on, I just want him back and I have no idea what I'm going to do about it.

[bandit1716]

I had a very strange event happen to me.I bought a machine that was very heavy. My son another man and me loaded it on my pickup.Well on unloading it fell from our grip. My finger was mashed real bad.It pulled my skin off completely to the bone.You could see about 1 1/4 of the bone.Anyway I went into shock ,my blood pressure went to 50 over 20. I could hear the EMT's talking .get the defibulator he going into shock. Larry open your eyes.Well the point to this is ,its the first time sence my Sharons passing that I was at peace.Is there a point to this ? I don't know ,except if dieing is like this it isn't all that bad. This is so stupid I might not sent it. Larry

[sidvis]

Larry, I don't think your post was stupid. In fact, I think it is comforting. I think we all want that "peace." We just have to wait for our time. While we wait, we should all try to give as much support and love to all who we know are suffering as we have suffered. It is only fair to share that life can go on without our partner. We must be open to all God sends our way. Peace.