I Miss Her So...

[BIJulie]

Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

[tinasdad]

My wife is in the end stage of her illness; she is still with me, but I frequently am overwhelmed with missing her. She is my hope, my reason, my soul-mate. We have been together since we were so young, and I can't envision any other life than with her. I know that she has a little time left, and I want her to enjoy every moment with her family. I think that a great part of missing her now is in my love for her, in that I just don't want the day to come when we let go of each other.

[michaelb]

I lost my beloved wife in December 2004 and I appreciate every word of your post. At this point, I am trying to find my way and it's pretty much hour to hour, even minute to minute. I emphatize with what you are going through and about to go through. I wish you strength and courage, comfort and support. I don't know you at all, but we are all connected somehow in the bond of humanity.

[cvaughan598]

Hello, I'm a 26 years old and lost my wife two weeks after my daughter was born last August. We had been together 8 years. Since high school and through college. It has been a tough 8 months since her death. Its like a curse, for every happy moment with my daughter, it is followed by extreme anxiety and pain because my wife should be here to enjoy it with me. It is hard to go on with my day to day life. My daughter Madison keeps me going. One foot in front of the other and day to day. This grief is like a roller coaster, for every one step you take forward you will take steps back... but be strong. It hurts and you will miss her. As I do Rikki. Thoughts and prayers...

Chris

[tinasdad]

Thank you so much for what you have written. Chris, I can't imagine how much this must hurt you. And I can only imagine how beautiful Madison is. My daughter was born when I was fourteen - a bad situation all around. My wife is my life and breath, and my daughter (now 30) is the light of my day, and a vital part of our lives. I am so blessed to have them both in my life now. Our other children are the sun and moon to me. I can picture nothing complete without my family. You have my heart felt compassion and prayers as you face each day. My wife loves her grandson so much, and is happy to know him before she leaves us, even if he is her "step." She never uses that term. Well, this is our family. We are so very close which is a good thing at this time. Their Mom loves to see her children happy and together. I think it makes dealing with the illness easier on her.

[BIJulie]

Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

[michaelb]

Just dropping a line this lonely Saturday morning . . . hoping that today will be fairly tolerable. The loneliness can be overwhelming. Everyone tells me that it will get better and that I should have no problem meeting someone else to share my life. Hmmm . . . I don't feel that way at all. I'm getting some help from a support group and my friends, family and neighbors, but the reality of being in the house without her is pretty rough.

I guess I'm just killing time.

[tinasdad]

michaelb, I hope your weekend has been pleasant. I am sorry I didn't get back to you until Suday, but I had to play a concert. I know the value of good friends; they're worth a king's ransom and more. You're in my thoughts and prayers through your pain and sorrow. Yes, "it" will get better after a while, and when you are ready, you may again wish to share your life with another. You will know when the time is right, and until then, you think it best to take this time to heal yourself emotionally. Some are able to readjust to another relationship, and others need years. That choice is yours to make as you heal. Feel free to come here to "kill time" anytime.

[michaelb]

tinasdad:

Thank you for your post. It surely helps.

I'm having another particularly rough day, been crying all morning and I can't seem to shake it today. Some valleys are just deeper than others. Fortunately, I'll be with friends later today and that usually helps. Until then, I came back to this board to break the loneliness and keep myself busy.

[lauraa]

Dear Michaelb,

I just read your post and I am so sorry for the loss of your dear wife. I lost my husband 10 months ago and I understand your struggles. There is no easy way, unfortunately to get thru this horrible time....only time. Please try and take extra special care of yourself. It must be so difficult when there is no explanation for you...keep talking and expressing your feelings here and with support whereever you can...we will all be here to help you. We know it isn't easy. I will send positive thoughts your way and keep you and your family in my prayers.

[michaelb]

Dear lauraa:

In the midst of your own suffering, you are able to send words of comfort to me. This is what makes living so hopeful and wonderful. Good people give us all hope for the future.

Allow me to send my deepest condolences and support to you on the recent loss of your husband. You surely understand how I am struggling on a daily basis. It is even physically exhausting and I have not yet found a routine that maximizes my ability to cope with this massive burden I carry.

Thanks so much for your kind words. I find myself turning to this board when I am really down.

Michael B

[biadmin]

Light A Candle for Pope John Paul II

Pope John Paul II has touched the hearts of many as he has traveled the world with his message of peace, hope and harmony. He is a man loved by many and has been the beacon of light for the followers of the Catholic Faith. Even non-Catholics have appreciated the deepness of his devotion. We note his passing in sadness and invite people of all faiths to Light A Candle to carry on his message of peace, hope and harmony.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/beyondtalk/lightacandle.php

[tinasdad]

Michaelb, I'm sorry I was out of town for the last few days. While I have cut the concert schedule during my wife's illness, I still have recording dates to fulfill. I would rather be with her anyday than anywhere else.

I know those valleys can be overwhelming, but with your friends, you can and will heal from your loss and get to the other side of this valley. I have confidence in you that, with your friends, you will heal from your loss and be able to emerge from the darkness. You will need to rely on the support of your friends, some old, and some new. The true friends will be here now, during and after you heal.

If you need to talk to someone, feel free to write anytime. We are here in this bond and we care about everyone who shares our path.

[michaelb]

Just sitting here on another lonely Sunday morning, starting to feel my mood slide down. Too bad because I had a very reasonable day yesterday and I was hoping it would continue through the weekend.

It's pretty hard because the house is filled with my wife in every way - carpeting and furniture that we picked out together, decorating that she did, things that she used, just everything. I'm going to lose my mind.

[BIJulie]

Michael,

I am sorry you are going through a rough time right now! I hope you will take care and continue to let us know how you are doing.

Julie

[tinasdad]

Michaelb, My apologies for not getting in here sooner. I will keep you in thought and prayer this week. Those feelings have a habit of changing so quickly. I haven't lost my wife yet, but like you, I see so much in our home that she has touched: the curtains she fell in love with and had to buy, the furniture she was tired out from choosing. The memories must get heavy for you at times. It looks like your weekends are where this happens. When everyone is busy with whatever on the weekend, please feel free to visit and talk about anything you need to. We will be here through your journey beyond this grief. My best to you, with the hope that this week will be pleasant for you.

[michaelb]

tinasdad:

Thanks for your note. This weekend has been 2/3 good and 1/3 bad. Everything was tolerable except Sunday morning. I awakened to a snow storm of all things and that made the loneliness more pronounced. I talk to myself, to the walls, to my wife, to nothing at all in an effort to keep my mind moving.

This is so hard and I've come to realize that it is very demanding physically, exhausting really.

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. Everything thing helps no matter how inconsequential it may seem.

Michael B

[lauraa]

Michaelb,

I understand your feelings totally and completely. The weekends are the toughest for me. My husband worked long hours and Saturday nights was our time....tht is the loneliest for me! I am so sorry for your pain....it is a struggle...this site has helped me tremendously to not feel so alone and has given me such support. Keep writing here! Your dear beautiful wife is right there with you, always....I can feel my husband and when I close my eyes I can see his face. I do believe they live on and that is the tough part because we can't be with them physically....but someday....just remember that! Oh what a day that will be....time means nothing to them now that they have "crossed over"...to us, it's an eternity and feels like a slow torture. I know the exhaustion you speak about....I have never felt to low on energy no-matter how many hours of sleep I get....I'm just wiped out.....but I have 3 teenagers that keep me on my toes.....they are the reasons I have kept going....my 3 gifts my husband left me that sparkle...he loved them so much. Please keep writing and always know you are not alone and we are you extended family....it hard but try and take extra care of yourself as this is a fragile time and will be.....

[tinasdad]

Michaelb, I am hoping and praying for you, that this weekend has been good. If not, then at the least a tolerable one for you. Take good care of yourself, and if you can, do something special just for you. It's a way to help you heal by making you each feel special and important, even if to yourself. Catch a movie, go to a park or zoo, etc. Keeping you in thought over another weekend.

[michaelb]

To: Lauraa and Tinasdad:

Thanks to both of you for leaving your messages on the board. It's helpful to find some kind words from you from time to time.

I had a better week last week, but yesterday (Sunday) and today have not been too good.

I keep asking myself how someone could leave behind a loving husband, two sons, a father, a brother, and numerous good friends? How could someone never ask anyone for help, never let anyone know the depth of her pain? I know I'll never know why and I miss her so badly that I'm often physically affected.

I just hope that I continue to find the strength, each day, to make it to the next day, until I arrive at some point that the pain is even and tolerable. I am nowhere near that point yet. I now think that I am talking years rather than months. It'll be 5 months on May 13 and the depth of my lows is equal to anything I felt in the beginning. In some ways it's even worse because the shock has lessened and has been replaced by the stark reality that I am alone and have really lost her forever. She was the love of my life, an angel sent to me, a miracle really. Now I have passed through the gates of hell and the pain is worse than any fire could ever be. I have finally come to learn what hell really means and no book or preaching had ever prepared me.

Anyway, thanks,

Michael

[biadmin]

Your grief is your story. Talking and sharing your grief can be healing. Reading about other people's journey through the grief process can help you realize you are not alone. People want to read other people's stories. Do you want to share yours? Share yours at Beyond Story.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/stories/index.php

[lauraa]

Michael,

So sorry it has taken me so long to respond (I thought I posted to you on recent loss). I know your pain. When I read your post it is as if I am writing the same words. In your case I can only image the "why's" you ask. I am so sorry for your loss and I know the depth of your pain is unexplainable especially to the ones who have never been thru such a thing like this. I have alot of "why's" myself and it has been a year for me since I lost my husband. I never thought I could go longer than a week without seeing him and it's been one year! Oh how my life has changed and I'm sure you understand that completely. If it weren't for the kids would we ever have gotten out of bed in the morning? I use to have such a zest for life for now I view this earth as hell. I know that sounds pesimistic but that is my belief...I haven't had a easy life but loosing my dear husband has just been the icing on the cake. I struggle on a daily basis to stay afloat and to believe again. Nothing matters like it once did. It will take time for us. People are funny and have short memories. There is such a taboo when it comes to death...they think if they come to close or talk about it they might get it???? Who knows? It is definitely a long lonely road. One in which I never wanted to take alone but here I am and what are my choices. My health was physically being affected as well...heart palpatations, sleepless nights, anxiety, panic attacks....it's just to much for to long...so my suggestion to you is each and everyday force yourself to do something just for you...a walk, coffee with a friend, a bath, solitude, etc. anything! My goal is just getting a good night sleep so that I don't wake up as exhausted as when I went to bed. I was so pissed off at god that I am slowly asking to give me solice to understand why a healthy, beautiful, caring, family man, christian man was taken from us so young. I hope you and your kids find more and more peace everyday...keep writing as I know this site has helped me to not feel so alone in this lonely world.

[tmbeem]

It's been 4 months since my ex-wife passed away suddenly at the age of 28, and I'm filled with an extraordinary amount of grief, sadness and even anger. I didn't get to say good-bye to her. Her family didn't care to call me to tell me she was in the hospital, in a coma. Maybe if they had, I would have been able to fly back home and be with her at the moment of her death. Because they didn't call me until the day after she died, I wasn't even able to attend the funeral.

I wanted so badly to let her know I loved her, that I've loved her from the moment we met 18 years earlier. I wanted so badly to apologize for being so emotionally distant since our last face-to-face meeting 6 months prior when I went home for my Grandmother's funeral. I'm left wondering if my ex-wife lost her will to live, and succumbed to her infections because I had pulled away from her. I thought I had the time. I was wrong. Now I'll forever wonder.

I'm haunted by her memory, by mistakes I made, and by opportunities missed. One thing is for certain though. I will never let a day go by without telling the people I care about, that I love them.

[michaelb]

Dear Lauraa:

I finally caught up to your post of the 2nd of June. Your comments about being physically affected by your loss struck a chord with me. I am still not where I should be. I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I get or don't get. This is so hard, it's unbelieveable. Everything you say is exactly what I'm going through.

Thanks for responding. I do read all the posts eventually. When I'm hurting, I always end up visiting this site for support - just like what you have provided. Just knowing I'm not alone helps so much.

Gratefully,

Michaelb

[katherine1610]

Hi,

I hope it is ok to post this here, I was just hoping that you could all provide with some advice and insight.

two years ago my current boyfriend lost the first woman he'd loved suddenly, after the death of his father not long before. they hadn;t been going out long, but I know that this time last year he was still in love with her memory. I'm really trying hard to help him cope with all of this and move on, but i can't help being insecure, especially as we're just starting out...i just keep wondering if hes thinking of her when he goes quiet or when we're together; i just feel like i can't compete and will never compare.

so far i haven't taken any of my confusion out on him; but right now its a really hard personal battle; hes currently clinically depressed and struggles to express his love for me through affection or words, which makes me even mroe insecure; does anyone have any advice on how i can handle this?

Thanks in advance

[biadmin]

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[tinasdad]

Katherine1610, sorry nobody found your message sooner. I hope you find this helpful. When love is mixed with the loss of death, we need to take time in our hearts to develop inner peace again. This is a process, and happens slowly. This is most likely why he becomes quiet. It sounds like his quiet time is when he is putting the new pieces into his life. After a loss, we need to rebuild our present reality without the person we lost. Let him grieve his own way, and only intervene if you see depression or suicidal thinking.

[waynesliljeanne]

Hello to Everyone.

It has been a few months since I last posted here. I was just reading some of the last posts. Even tho all of us are at different points in time, we will always be bound by the fact that we are here at all. I lost my husband 6 1/2 months ago.

During one of my low times recently a thought came to me - we have suffered a major surgical removal without anesthesia; an amputation of 1/2 of ourselves without drugs and with a ripping knife instead of a sharp scalpel. After the open wound heals, we will still suffer the "phantom" pain in that part which is now physically gone but will remain with us psycologically for the rest of our lives. The balm we have to cover this pain is our friendships and relationships, which is a powerful pain killer if we will take it!

I come here for a many reasons - to read the support that each of you provides to all who enter

to try to sort out some reason for all of us to be going through this pain

to remember that I am not the only one experiencing it

to hopefully give some of that support back to all of you

I pray every day for help in surviving another day, and I include the request for the same for all of you.

I pray for you, Tinasdad, twice - because I watched my husband fade away as you are doing, we also met very young, and struggled, expecting to have a long and beautiful life, only to have it cruelly cut short. And I know, that as much grieving as you are doing now in the knowledge and anticipation of your loss, nothing will fully prepare you for the reality. It is wonderful that you found this help here before that point in time. You are a voice in the wilderness to many.

Chris, you are right about sunrises - but sunsets deserve their due. Without them, there could be no sunrise. We all must learn that even destinations we do not choose are in reality the beginning of another journey - and we must continue as best we can, and try to make the journey a worthwhile one.

I feel right now like I have returned to day one - the loss seems almost crushing sometimes. Like I will never take a deep breath again.

So I just keep checking in here, for the little sips of oxygen that you all provide.

Hope you all are having better days. - better than yesterday, perhaps not as better as tomorrow can be.

A smile on your face will leave a smile on someone else's heart.

Jeanne

[mrduncan207]

My wife passed away about five months ago. I am doing well I think. The church support group I attend and my daughters have been worlds of strength for me from the time DW became ill to the end of her life. The thing I am noticing just now is all the little things around the house my wife used to take care of that I never paid attention to and are no longer there. Of course, I am able to take care of myself. Each system is in order and my doctor tells me I have many years of good times. But when you share so much of your life with someone, it is hard to account for everything on your own so quickly. I couldn’t even remember to pay our phone bill last month and thought I was truly headed to the funny farm when my oldest girl told me that she had tried to call several times without success. Now one of my daughters is moving from our town and I know I can’t depend on them all forever. I’m not really sure what my question is, but thank you for taking the time to listen.

[gbrownva]

Mrduncan,

Losing a spouse is a long and always evolving process but I think you’ve come to the right spot. I have been reading other people’s posts for a long time to prepare myself for my own losses as my own wife is terminally ill. Mainly I read so I know that I am not alone in the way I feel. I think I understand what you are saying about forgetting to do certain chores, like pay the phone bill.

The easy solution is to get an account where you pay for the amount of time you think you’ll need rather than making a flat payment every month. I use One Suite because of the low long distance rates and the very fact that a representative comes on to tell you how much time you have left in your account when you make a call. If you work it out with your bank and credit card companies, you can easily arrange automatic bill payments in addition. But the harder solution is about how to deal with your grief as well as keep tabs on all the household things that you are not used to doing. I would not worry about the bills so much as just rearranging your life to include as much time as you need to see friends and family and to take care of yourself, including eating well and staying healthy. You are doing the right things by staying close to your daughters and your church. And remember, you are not alone in your time of need.

G. Brown

[pennyhorse]

Words of advice requested....my mother recently died - she was 62 and it came as a tremendous shock. Her children (myself included) are doing what we can to adjust. We have each other to lean on; we understand what each other is going through.

As for my dad...I can't imagine the loss he feels. His best friend since they were 17 is gone forever. I sit with him, listen to him tell stories and he cries a little. I worry about him terrribly. But I don't know how to help - or in what direct to point him. I can support him up to a point, but I've never lost a wife (thank God) so I am at a loss for what to say or....

I appreciate any guidance....thank you.

[Esther]

Dear pennyhorse:

I lost my husband Steve two years ago after 28 years of marriage. He was 55 years old and had just retired 15 days before he was tragically killed in a car accident.

I'm not sure how long it has been since your mother passed away but what helped me tremendously was going to a Grief workshop of some sort. I found one offered in my community and it was very comforting. Your father can either participate or just remain silent. All the sharing and knowing that others are going through a similar type of grief/pain, helped me understand what I was going through.

Since my husbands death, my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride. I'm sure you've noticed how emotional your father can get. It's normal to cry and I believe, is good for him.

When my father passed away after 50 years of marriage to my mother..my mother says, to this day, that she has never cried. She would like to but I believe that she worries that she may lose control. I still cry from loneliness and miss my best friend but am grateful knowing that someone loved me completely for over 28 years. He was my gift from God but was only on loan to me.

The pain and hurt is so intense and so personal, that it is hard for others to help. My three sons have been extremely helpful by allowing me to express my hurt whenever I need to and not criticize or judge me. They understand that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Just knowing that they are there is all I need from them right now.

I wish you all the best and will pray for your family.

Esther

[pennyhorse]

Esther...thank you for the response. My mom died just over 2 weeks ago. It is still so very new. I understand that my dad needs time...and that the raw sense of grief is still present. I am not trying to rush him. I suppose I just want to be ready to help him, offer a suggestion or two, when the time comes. He is my best friend, and to see him hurting so badly is so hard.

Thank you again.

[Guest Guest]

I am on the verge of losing someone I love. She has only about a month left and I see her getting worse everyday. It scares me because she is the only person I have ever loved. We are still young. She is only 31 and I am 28. It first started in December when we found out she had ovarian cancer. She had surgery and a week later it came back. It all happened so fast and now it's only the middle of february and they dont give her much time to live. It was a shock to know that we wouldnt be able to have children after her first surgery but I knew as long as I had her it would be ok. But now I won't have her for much longer. She's my soul mate. I know some people dont believe in that or don't believe they will find theirs but I found mine. We have been through so much together and now that we finally can be together it's getting taken away from us. When I met her in 1999 she was still married and had an abusive husband. We fell in love but we couldn't be together because she was still married. We didn't talk for awhile and when we started talking again after 2 years i found out she got was granted a quick divorce because her husband had tried to kill her. Even when we started talking again she had dated someone in between the time we were apart. He was crazy and hired someone to kill her. The police got notified just in time and arrested her ex bf. He then killed himself. then her ex-bf's brother and gf abducted her and left her for dead in a shed. Only by pure will and fight did my girlfriend escape. Then 2 months later we found out she had ovarian cancer and now she is dying. I guess if all this hadn't had happened it wouldnt be so hard to deal with because part of me feels so bad for her. She has gone through so much and now this. And the worse part is I have known she was the one for me for 7 years and now that we can finally be together this happens. I know my story sounds outrageous but i'd give anything for it to not be true.

[DeeAnn]

Dear Guest,

I'm so sorry to hear about your girlfriend's cancer. I've been away from the boards a few days out of town kind of taking a break myself because Feb. 22 was the eight-year anniversary of my husband's death. Because of that experience, I know how you're feeling now, and it's very very painful. Please know we're here as a safe place for you to let your feelings out. You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time. Please let us know how you're doing.

DeeAnn

[catsted]

Hello everyone,

I have written a song for my lost love, Cat, that I thought may be of some comfort to others here. It can be found at:

http://www.misfitmusic.ca/WithYouAgain.html

Just open the page, click on the song title, and open or save it to listen. Eventually, access to the song will be limited, but I wanted those that have reached out to me in my dark times to have a chance to hear it for free.

Download it and share it with any grieving hearts that may need some comfort - And know we will see our loved ones again.

Warmest regards,

Ted Knudtson

[johngee]

This is not what I expected. My wife was only 39 years old, 10 years younger than I. She died suddenly, while I was at work just four weeks ago. I can't believe how deeply her loss has wounded me. Sometimes I feel paralized; I don't know what to do next. We were to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary this year and we were deeply in love with each other. Everything reminds me of her. I want to run, but I can't run from the loss that I feel. I'll go to the store or to the bank and almost half expect to see her there. Why? Why is it so hard to accept that she has died? Why is it so hard to find comfort? Why do I feel like crying my heart out, but can't seem to get there?

[fredsr]

JohnGee,

I hope you have read other posts on these message boards and are still coming back. You know you are not alone;that others share the same grief you are experiencing. I am sorry I could not respond sooner. I just couldn't write anything. My beloved wife passed away three weeks ago after a five year struggle with cancer. I started crying when she was diagnosed and never stopped. It is perhaps because your wife died suddenly that it is hard to cry. Perhaps you have yet to give yourself permission. There is time. You may have to work at it.

But, I don't mean to ramble. When I reread your message last night, one thought came to me immediately: in a marriage, the two become one. Your message reflects this, whether you know it consciously or not. When a part of the one must leave, how can the part that remains feel anything but diminished? And if you believe about your wife, as I do about mine, that she was the better half, its not hard to feel even more diminished. I know I do. A member of my church has a different perspective. He wrote me this: "A marriage is not between a man and woman, but between God, a man, and a woman. Your wife is now with the other part of your marriage, safe with your redeemer and savior. Together they will uphold you." I pray this is so, but my fledgling faith is struggling to survive this loss. Still, I don't know how I could have gotten through this without God and the support of my church. WE have our differences, but I know fundamentally that her spirit and my life are in God's hands.

I say these things as much for myself as you, and realize they bring no comfort. I don't know any answers. For all my words, my grief, its source and meaning, remain a mystery. The best I can do is empathize.

I was driving home yesterday, thought of her suddenly, and started crying. It was then I voiced what has been in my heart for weeks. I didn't want to live. I don't want to live. I'm not suicidal - my instincts and faith inform me it is wrong. Still, I don't like feeling that I have to live, but I will have to live with it. But I don't like it, just like I don't like it that she isn't here (though "like" is hardly the right word). Her absence is an insult to the world, to reality. Why do they (and I) continue to persist? And time continues, tearing us farther apart, and pushing me towards an unwanted future.

I hope my Christian comments have not alienated you. If you can accept it, all the great spiritual prophets across the millenia have informed us that we will not leave this life without tasting pain and misfortune; and that we may use these experiences to grow spiritually and become closer to God, or we may let them destroy us (or as expressed by Hazrat Inayat Khan: "Self-pity is the worst poverty; it overwhelms one until nothing is seen but illness, trouble, and pain."). I pray we can both turn our faces in a positive direction. Our wives were, and are, wonderful beings. We must honor them for what remains of our lives.

This is not what I expected. My wife was only 39 years old, 10 years younger than I. She died suddenly, while I was at work just four weeks ago. I can't believe how deeply her loss has wounded me. Sometimes I feel paralized; I don't know what to do next. We were to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary this year and we were deeply in love with each other. Everything reminds me of her. I want to run, but I can't run from the loss that I feel. I'll go to the store or to the bank and almost half expect to see her there. Why? Why is it so hard to accept that she has died? Why is it so hard to find comfort? Why do I feel like crying my heart out, but can't seem to get there?

[lauraa]

Dear Johngee and Fredsr,

I usually post of loss of a husband and for some reason checked this thread out....I am so sorry for both of your losses. I lost my husband 21 months ago. He was sick for 3 years and I was also devastated from the beginning but we fought like hell for a healing (unsuccessfully).....I am still devastated and struggling on a daily basis. I have also come to the full conclusion that I also don't feel like living either (not suicidal) but I lost my soulmate and life just isn't the same. I struggle and wonder what it is going to take to pull me out of this. I push on daily for my children but in all honesty I am totally worn out and my energy is so very low. My faith also is faltering.....I have always believed in god but have questioned why would he take such a wonderful man who gave so much to this world and why was he taken from us....we always tried to live by the golden rule....I'll never understand all long as I live....it is a long lonely road for me and can't understand why so many people were there in the end with many promises and then gone....even family and best friends...I really would love an explanation for that one.....I just figure now that I am on my own in this world to finish one important job and that is to raise our kids. I don't expect anything from anyone (not that I ever did before).....I am still depressed, have anxiety, can't sleep well and don't really put myself in a position to be around lots of people....it is just to difficult. I just don't think I will ever feel whole again....I liked the analysis that our marriage was with god....that does comfort me and I think that is probally the only thing that will make me feel alright but will take time.....why, why, why! He was my whole world.....I will keep you both in my heart and prayers...I know the pain and lonliness....sometimes I just feel so alone in this world...I hate it! I have to have a bigger purpose now to have some kind of meaning to want to live on....when will it ever get better.....when will the anger go????? the disappointments, the hurt and saddness?????????? the nightmares and anxiety? It hurts so much because people don't even ask anymore and I am still crying everyday......it hurts so bad as you know....I am sorry that you both have to deal with this loss......I read that for us it is an eternity until we meet them again but for them it is no time at all.....seconds....they are waiting for us and we will meet again.......

[johngee]

Dear Lauraa and Fredsr,

I am truly sorry we have found each other through our common tragedies. I know that there is nothing that can be said to ease the pain of our losses, but please accept my sympathy for yours.

Thank you both for sharing your thoughts with me. I need to know that I am not alone.

Fred, I am not at all alienated by Christian comments. I hold a strong belief that God is carrying me through my loss and will continue to do so faithfully, as long as I ask Him to.

I encourage both of you to do everything you can to protect your faith. In a way greater than through day-to-day life, I saw God’s beauty and experienced His love through my wife while she was here on earth. I want this firsthand when I am called home and keeping my faith is paramount to that end.

As far as why it was her time? I’m not sure I will ever know, or ever really need to know. A friend of mine, speaking from experience, asked me what knowing why is going to change? He pointed out the obvious; that knowing why won’t bring her back. He also reminded me that peace and comfort are what I am looking for, and that trying to figure out why is counter productive to finding peace and comfort. On faith, I trust that God will use this tragedy for His good purpose.

I have my times, though... coming home from work, knowing that my love will not be there; being with our four children, yet feeling overwhelming loneliness; going to bed alone. Again, I asked God to help me through those times and He graces me with the people and the tools to encourage me both emotionally and spiritually. I am grateful for His faithfulness and I am no different or any more special than either of you. God will do the same for you. Ask Him.

I will lift both of you in prayer and ask God to bless you in your loss and to help you to find the moments of peace and comfort that I value so much.

[lauraa]

Dear Johngee,

Thank you for your kind and insightful words of encouragement. I hear everything you said. I think there is a strong need for me to get over my anger at god for taking my husband. I am angry because we worked so hard our entire lives and always did the right things no matter what and family meant everything to us especially because my husband never knew his father. We were so close that we had the same thoughts. Everything you wrote is how I feel, too. My hope is that my husband is with god in the most peaceful place ever and I will be reunited with him someday. I just have to get thru this grieving in one piece and find another purpose to give me meaning so I can feel whole again. I hope you are doing o.k. God will not abandon those who mourn. Bless you all!

[Guest Guest]

I just can't go on any more. I have to get some paper work finished that will take about six weeks. I want my children to be comfortabe with my money. My daughter said if anything happened to me she would take my three little furry girls.I have bought pills on the internet ,with directions. Then I will be with my wife. I cry all the time .

[johngee]

Dear Guest,

I am very sorry for your loss and I understand your pain. I lost my wife a very short time ago, also. I am suffering profound mental and emotional anguish, just like you and all the other people on this site. There are times when I can't even get a complete though out of my mouth without bursting into tears. I know the feelings you are experiencing. I've had similar thoughts of not being able to go on. However, from a spiritual perspective, I believe ending it by my hands will only prolong my anguish for eternity. Besides, do we want that to be part of the legacy we leave our children? There is purpose for living beyond our respective tragedies. Some things we are not capable of doing on our own, or at least I wasn't. I found that with the help of another friend who had recently lost his wife I was able to begin to find that purpose. Take some time to seek a new meaning for your life. It’s there. I hope and pray that you will give yourself time to find it.

With deepest sympathy and wishes for living peace,

John

[starchild]

Guest< I'm glad that you found this site to share your feelings of grief. I am so sorry for your family's loss. We all in one way or another have considered joining our loved one rather than go through the excruciating pain of having to go on without them. My heart goes out to you. I can only hope that you'll reconsider your options while you wait for this paperwork. Your girls probably need you now more than ever, and I think they would rather have you than your money. Daddies are very important to girls, and there feelings toward you will shape every relationship they have for the rest of their lives. And I doubt very seriously if your mate would want you with her under those circumstances. The pain at this point is just distorting your view. Think of it as major surgery, you just had part an important part of who you are removed. Now you have to heal and rehab. You deserve to heal, but the desire has to come from you. Just keep coming back and sharing your feelings here. There's alot of strength and wisdom in these postings. And help if you ask for it. Experience can be a hard teacher. It gives the test first and then the lessons.

My prayers are with you. Try to be good to yourself, if only for today.

[bandit1716]

Thanks for the reply. You see I nursed her for 6 weeks ,day and nite. We had no idea that her cancer had spread so far.She retired and her 62 birthday was last week.She never collected on her retirement. We really didn't need it anyhow. We had made plans when she retired. They are gone. I can't even get in the R V .Every where I look she planted or deckerated something. I am not getting over this at all. I cry every day .I miss her so much. I just want to be with her. Larry

[johngee]

Hello Larry,

The way this has been explained to me is that it's not something one "gets over". I don't mean to be a wet blanket about it, but I want you to know that the things you are experiencing are not out of the ordinary. Right after my wife died, I purchased new dishes and started to re-decorate the kitchen because everything reminded me of her. Well, about two weeks later I stopped shopping for decorations and took the dishes back to the store. Thinking about it, I will remember her for the rest of my life anyway. Re-decorating is not going to change that. Sometime in the future, soon I hope, those memories will not be quite as distressing and may bring joy. In the mean time, my children and I will eat off of plates decorated with an apple pattern, that my wife bought.

Hang in there, Larry. There is life beyond our grief and it is just around the corner.

You are still in my prayers,

John

[tigerishurting]

Hello Larry,Things don't happen over night so I have been told. But I can Tell you it will get a bit easier as the months and years go by. I Live in New Zealand, I have lost in the past 13 years lost my mum and then I lost a stepson in 1998 and then I lost my husband a year ago. I know from experience that everone can be helpful, but you still think they don't understand, friends are sometimes the worst people that you want to hear from, but they are only trying to help as I know, I moved from one area in New Zealand to another and my friends still ring or text me to find out how I am and the children, I lost weight in the first six months of my husbands death, because I was not looking after myself and it was lack of sleep, coffee,and smoking and was told to stop two out of three of these or I would be no good to my children. SO CHIN UP< IT WILL HAPPEN

[teddysgal]

Hi everyone. I've never posted on this message board for husband's that have lost their spouse, but we all are going through the loss of our beloved spouse or significate other. It has been a little over 11 weeks since my Rick passed from complications from Hep C. I have gotten through our 7th anniversary (5 Jun) without him. It was rough, but got got through it. It has helped talking to friends through email that I have met on the grief messages boards. I have been emailing people all over including New Zealand. It helps to talk to others that know what I'm going through, which is why this board is so helpful. Believe me, I have thought I just don't want to continue on here. But when I think of what it found do to my family, and it could delay me joining my husband on the 'Other Side' (Heaven) by taking my own life, then I have to say..NO, I CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE. My family doctor asked my if I needed to be referred to someone to talk, but I said no I have my friends on the board and through email, and when I'm ready I will go to the Hospice group counseling. On the website that I created for Rick at https://rickey-gay@last-memories.com, a video has been added. Please check it out and let me know what you think. It is the one dated 13 Jun 06 (that is the updated version). The kind people at last-memories.com made it for me for no charge. They do it for anyone that has a site there. They are really kind and caring people. You can't beat the price of only $25 for a lifetime, permanent memorial to a loved one. I can visit the site everyday and I do. I get a good cry and that helps, too. It may not be for everyone, but it works for me. I hope everyone finds there own way to deal with their loss, because it really is a personal thing and no ones loss is the same. Everyone deals with their grief differently, and no way is wrong. Every emotion you feel is ok and you have a right to it. So scream, cry, curse, get mad at your loved one, get mad at God even. God understands and he can handle your anger. He understands it. You have a right to deal with your loss any way you see fit and don't let anyone tell you how to grief. The grief is yours, not theirs. I hope everyone finds some comfort from this board and from talking to others that are going through this horrible injustice of losing our loved ones. If anyone wants to email me, they are welcome. No one really knows what you are going through unless they are going through it, too. Tell those that aren't going through it, the best way they can help is to JUST LISTEN without offering any platitudes. The best someone can say to you that is not going through this is, I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm hear if you want to talk..and then shut up and let the person talk, IF THEY WANT. That's it, otherwise they just make things worse. Stupid comments, like 'It will get better with time', he/she is in a better place, etc are NOT HELPFUL. It hasn't gotten better with time for me. I miss him more every day. I can only hope that some day the pain will lessen and the good memories will replace some of the pain and make the loss easier to cope with. I'll never get over losing my husband, but hopefully and can learn to go forward and just remember all of our good times and all of the love we shared.

I also purchased the DVD: Journey's Project "The Challenge of Grief". That is a pretty good DVD. It has a lot of usefulness and stories from other people going through what we are including a special section for those that have lost loves through suicide. The website for ordering is: http://www.journeysproject.com/MoreDVDFeatures.htm. Hope it helps someone else. It is just another tool in the griefing process. I am trying everything I can to deal with this horrific and unfair loss of my beloved husband.

My email address is: ibtrue@knology.net if you want to talk to me, I'll listen. I will try and email you back as quickly as I can. Take care and God Bless everyone.

Deidra

[starchild]

To the guys on this site, In rememberance of your loved ones, I'd like to wish you a Happy and blessed Fathers Day. ((hugs)) Take care.

[bandit1716]

Well gang I must be the one of the weakest in the bunch.My family sent me to Ohio to visit my daughter for two weeks. I came home in 3 days.I tried church with my daughterinlaw this morning. I lasted 10 min. max.It seems to me the ones that try to help ,make me feel worse.I am 72 yo. I cry outloud at home at least twice a day.I don't want any help I want to be let alone.Its been 2mo. today.I am going to give it more time ,maybe another 2 mo.I have a heart condition. So when I make the disicion ,no one should think it anything other than a heart attack.I am going to the cemetary in the middle of the nite.Take my pills [seconal sodium]on the way. I will throw out anything that would give them a clue. Take a blanket ,her pillow lay beside the grave and join her. Larry