Recent Loss

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Joyce, I am so very sorry. The things you feel are more like a hurricane throwing your heart every which way, not letting you have rest. I'm so sorry. In 96, my 21 year old daughter Jennifer was raped and beaten to death. Seven months later, her mom couldn't take the guilt of what she did to Jenni, letting her go to adoption, so she overdosed on heroin in January of 97. Brenda was so beautiful. Please don't let what happened make you feel guilty. You had to make decisions based on a certain set of options. You did the best. Nobody could have chosen better. Seek your aid and comfort when and where you need. This is wise. When you need, we are always here, to listen and to talk. My thoughts and prayers are with you, for the heartfelt healing you need. Mark

[bodhibutterfly]

Hello I just lost my boyfriend, best friend and confidant on Sept. 05. I am searching for some sort of clarity within this grief process. have always been a spiritual person. Ive studied many shcools of thought and so I have been forced to put my philosophy into practice. I am angry at God, just a little. All the comforting little adages that people say ( well maybe it was his time) come into qustion when it hits home. You just dont want to hear that when someone is snatched from you. My boyfriend was only 29, but he was daibetic (insulin dependent) and was cavalier about his health. He had what he thought was a stomach virus that ended his life.

I was angry at him for the weeks or so before because he was lethargic, but he struggled with depression. The last time I saw him, we stayed uo all night and watched the Katrina Documentary. For whatever reason, I did not sleep at all; I was doing work for an event I was promoting and I was a bit aggravated for having to stop an attend to him,e ven though he would have done the same had I been ill. I\'d admonished hi for letting his kitchen get to an atrocious state, and joked that it was probably his kitchen that made him sick. I left him the next afternoon, abut I can remember lying down net to him in his bed, which had no sheets. We talked about our relationship and how as he said " I hadn't gotten rid of him yet" so things must be cool. I told him that he was my best friend and I loved him, and I quickly got out of the bed because I didnt want to catch whatever he had. I kissed him on the cheek and left. I came back later that evening to grab my phone charger, andhe seemed fine. He'd made himself a big hearty meal, so I figured if he was eating he was okay. I called him several times within the next few days and got no answer. I thought he was angry with me. It was unlike him not to return my phone calls. I contemplated just asking him for my housekey back and maybe separating for a while. He had many other issue related to his health and personal life that seemed to be weighing heavily on him, and I felt like I needed to give him space. His mother called me the following wednesday afternoon as I was driving back from a meeting at the university my boyfriend had graduated from just two months prior. She dropped a bomb, and I then had to call his best friends and relay the news. His auntie had found him in his house a day prior..she\'d just decided to stop by on a whim because his parents were on their way in town.

I had been blessed ( and I often spoke about this) that I\'d never really had anyone close to me die other than a grandparent that was ailing. I feel like my 30th bday ( 4 days before my boyfriend\'s graduation) ushered in the worst and best possible lesson for me to learn in my adult life: death is inevitable.

There is a lot of guilt for me associated with his passing...I should have followed my gut when I decided to drive out to his house at midnight....I should have made him go to the emergency room. I was too wrapped up in my own petty life. I had even used his illness as an excuse for getting out of a meeting. I know that it wasnt my fault...I amm a smart woman and I know that he just didn\'t do the things he should have like get regular checkups, get Medicaid ( he had no health insurance but was eligible) monitor his diet and exercise. I tried to encourage healthy eating, but I also was working on being less of a nag. Hey, he was a grown man.

All my friends have gathered around me for support, and my younger brother Im very close to has been staying with me for the past two weeks. I am not sleeping, but then again, I always was a night owl. My boyfriend & I rarely went to sleep before 4 am. I feel like now, the nights are so much lonelier, and its only when Im alone do the tears well up out of nowhere. I am usually the one who consoles & soothes in time sof need, but I am now feeling strange. LIk, Im okay, but I m not okay. The first few days were a blur..I literally felt like I was walking under water. My reaction time was slow, my thoughts jumbled. The more I talk about him, celebrate his memmory and talk to people who knew him, the easier it gets. I am a person who walks a fine line between being completely pulled together and a complete wreck. I feel like myself, but then again I dont. Ive accepted that the physical shell I knew isnt coming back...and I feel thaat he is near me. I have had some unusual experiences lately with my two adopted kittens..they\'ve been behaving oddly. Still, each day is different. Ive grieved, Ive cried, but Im afraid that Im not done, and that scares me because I dont want to be paralyzed. I still have to function in this world.

My heart goes out to anyone who has lost someone dear to them...I sure wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I apologize for the length of this post....maybe this would have been better as a blog Hopefully, someone up late will read this and know they aren’t alone in this process.

[manda14]

Pharmpig and Bodhibutterfly,

I am so sorry to hear your stories. Mine is similar. My boyfriend was 27 years old when he passed. a very stubborn man who also didn't want to go to the doctor....with enough pain,and being scared, he finally did. He had cancer. 10 months of treatments and good diagnosis and bad ones too. He spent a few nights in the hospital just before he passed and the Doctor said they would do another check up, but never did. I took him home and we had a great night together, talking and watching T.V and saying how happy we both were that he was home. He seemed fine, not to much pain , not too uncomfortable. I woke up i the middle of the night to him have a seizure, which was the scariest thing I have ever seen. I called 911 and by the time they got there he was calm, but not responsive to me. He wasn't talking just breathing heavily and looking scared...as was I. Within about 20 mins at Emergency, they told me there were lots of things wrong and they "couldn't do much more for him". He passed with his whole family, my family and all our friends around his bedside. He never spoke again. But I will always remember the last thing we said to eachother was" I love you" before we went to sleep the night before.

I know of the fog or clouds you walk around in...I know of the lost feeling.

I wish everyday that I made the Doctor check him one last time before he left the Hospital. I wish I had forced him take all his vitamins when he felt to sick to, I wish I had mad him try alternative treatments, I wish I had done a lot of things, but you can't blame your self for anything. You did everything YOU could do when YOU could do it. There isn't one thing you could have done that would have changed the ending. Unfortunatly, it had to happen for some stupid reason or another. We may never know what that reason was but it's out there.

I understand thinking that he may come home. Everytime the phone rang for the first month my heart jumped hoping it was him. I would hear a car and think it was his. This feeling will go away slowly. I have still not completly accepted the idea that he gone, I still talk to him at night and can sometimes feel him around me. Nights are definitly the worst.....sleeping in a big bed all by yourself is weird, but just think of all the room you have now to stretch out. You get to have all the blankets to yourself, no one's snoring next to you...theses are all things that I miss about him, but you have to turn it positive.

I also noticed my pets acting weird, but it's proven that animals sense things. My dog will always find me when I'm crying, even if she's outside she will scratch on the door to be let in and come to find me. I have a kitten that appeared at my house the day after my boyfriend passed, who strangely reminds me of him...she is so comforting to me.

This is getting long, but I just have to say that the one thing I think you have to remember always is that your Boyfriend/Husband is healthy now. Wherever he is he is no longer sick anymore. You need to take comfort in that. Just imagine how great he is feeling with no more disease, no more doctors or hospitals..he is happy and healthy and will always be by your side even if you can't see him.

Keep on writing...it's helpfull to read and to talk about your own experiences.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Bodhibutterfly, sorrow can go beyond words, yet please accept my words of sypmathy, in sharing the sorrow. Please do not be harsh or angry with yourself for things you did or did not do. You looked at a given situation, and did the best you possibly could have done. To know what to do in such situations can tear at our souls for the wisdom we desire, but such wisdom could elude even the greatest of sage. Please treat yourself well, with gentleness and kindness, with love and compassion. The soul's journey of grief is long and painful. Take each step of the journey at your own pace, in your own time, in the strength of your own mind. Although you lost the man you so deeply love, this time of grieving is all about you. It is all about your healing. Give yourself time. Give yourself space. Give yourself tokens of self-appreciation. We are here to help each other by listening, by sharing our stories, by offering advice. Please write anytime, about anything. We are here.

My journey began when my wife became ill, suffering from a disease that will eventually take her from me. During my journey here, I've also lost my 21 year old daughter, killed by a man who raped her. Our journeys are vastly different here. Yet, we all come together to share and help each other. I hope you can find comfort and strength for your journey with us. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad.

[manda14]

Mark,

I cannot imagine how hard that must have been and still is for you. The loss of a child I'm sure is like no other pain in the world. I am so sorry about what has happened and what will happen in time. You sound like you are very wise and have thought a lot about your situation and are handling things very well. It's nice to hear a Dad's thoughts amongst all the women here.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Manda14, to lose the one person you love the most is the worst pain, more than any physical pain known. I'm sorry you're going through all the pain of your loss. I'm sorry he passed from this life so young. The feelings of grief are so many, so please be patient with yourself through the process. Take time out for you, just to do things special to pamper yourself and that make you feel good.

Thank you for your very kind thoughts. Two weeks from today will be Jenni's 32nd birthday. Lots of feelings. Jenni was adopted, and fortunately, I was able to meet her adoptive parents (I was only 13 when she was born). Very nice couple, who raised her well, and loved her dearly. Caring for my wife is tiring and painful. Even so, I'm blessed to have shared this part of my life with her. I love her more than my own life. Losing her will tear me apart, but I will endure this to enjoy knowing she's free from the pain of the dystrophy.

I hope you have a great day, and are able to rest at night. Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

[mary57]

Hello all.

Have lost my beloved Husband on Thursday. I nursed him for 3 years, he had a very bad cancer and suffered terribly. Me and the kids are very very upset. I don't think I can cope with the pain, it hurts so much and feels as though my heart is being ripped out. He was only 46 and didn't want to leave us, he loved us all so much.

I don't know how we are going to get through this.

Thinking of all others of you going through this too.

[rodless]

Mary, I am so sorry. My husband died in July and I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out. It does get better a little at a time but those first days are almost unbearable. This site will help as you find others who understand what you are going through. Mary Jo

[Guest Guest]

Everybody here, I want to give you hope. My husband was 58 years old when he died from an astrocytoma, a very aggressive brain tumor. He was diagnosed on 6-6-05 and died on 8-23-06 after 2 surgeries and many different kinds of chemo. He was also in a wheel chair and very weak on his right side. As a full time teacher and active 51 year old, I cared for him myself until the last month when my wonderful mom came to live with us. It was the summer, and I spent almost every minute huggy, kissing, and caring for the man who made me his princess. Bill was a volunteer firefighter, very cute, kind of quiet, and loved by all in our small town as he was the building inspector. My heart cracked in half, and I cried for days. Then suddenly, almost a month to the day he died, I awoke to a little voice telling me, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Live life like Bill would have lived it with fun, adventure, and bravely." A friend who was widowed 2X before the age of 45 told me that he considered this sad time as a second chance for happiness. It is strange, but I feel happiness returning. I have found that honoring Bill each day with a daring or exciting experience helps me to go on. I am sure he is watching. I hope this helps some of you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thank you for writing. I'm sorry for your loss of Bill, your husband. You have a good, positive outlook on your grief. My wife is in the final stage of dystrophy, now terminal, and while I want her with me forever, I'd never ask her to fight this illness just to stay with me. She has endured far too much agony. It breaks my heart to lose her, but breaks my heart more seeing her suffer the pain. She wants to be with our daughter in Heaven, so I'm going along with her on this. Please try to nurture yourself, and take good care of yourself. This is your time, your sorrow. Any time you wish to write, we're here to read, to listen, and to care. Thanks for writing. It's good to hear when someone is dealing so well with their grief.

[pattyputput]

My husband and I were together 12 years 9 months and 2 days. He died of a heart attack. Aug 2,2006 I was at work and called the house, he was fine, then said "I feel Dizzy" and was gone. He was my soal mate, lover freind. and now I am SO Lonley. No family in the area, everyone has gone on with their lives. I am so lost, loney, sad, hurting, no words can explaine it. I go to work, go home, go to work, go home. I feel like I am in a nighmare that does not stop. Cant sleep, have a headace 24 hours a day. When will I feel better ? I am only 54 but feel 70. Life is so strange now HELP

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Pattyputput, I'm very sorry you have lost your dear husband, and so suddenly. My words can never replace the love you lost, the emptiness you feel, and I'm sorry nothing can. Please know that, while he may be somewhere else, he is also as close as your heartbeat. I lost my daughter Jennifer in 96 when she was raped and killed. She is always with me, closer now than while she was alive. I hope this thought can give you a little hope. You are in a mode of living in that "numb" state, where you just go through the motions of living. This will be the way for a while. Let this happen, but look ahead to your time of peace, and hope for it. It will arrive in due time. This is a journey. I know that aging feeling. My wife suffers a terminal illness. I care for her continuously. With little sleep and always worrying about her, I've turned gray in a very short time. She has a short time left, but no time frame like there is with cancer. We're too young for this. Flip the numbers of your age, and you have mine, yet, I also feel 70 at times. The nightmare will end. I promise you this. The pain does soften in time. If you need to talk, feel free and welcome to use my email, bluesbassist72@yahoo.com. To have no family near you is difficult. It limits your support structure. I know this feeling all too well. I was a foster kid. We all come to Beyondindigo for the same things, support and comfort and strength. The people here are great. My best advice is to do something for yourself every day, whether it be a simple cup of coffee, a hot bath, or a special dinner. You need to nurture yourself while you heal, as a part of your healing. This is important. While you heal, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

[rodless]

Pattyputput, We have many similarities. I was married to my husband for not quite 13 years, I am 56 and have no family really close. Rod died on July 7, 2006 so I am almost 4 months into this experience. I understand all the feelings you described and I can only tell you my experiences... I have seen some progress in the past couple of weeks. I make an effort to read grief books and books about the afterlife when I'm really down, I spend some time writing in a journal and try to exercise(I swim)in the evening when time is the longest. I am lucky to have friends I can call to play cards, go out to eat with or whatever it takes to get me through. Sometimes I prefer to be by myself with my dog. Day by day by day.. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. Hang in there and stay in touch. Communication on this site really helps. Try reading some of the back posts. God bless! Mary jo

[Guest Guest]

Like so many other here, I don't really know how to start. I lost my fiance on 10-01-06. He was my best friend for 10 years and we had just set a date and had started planning for the wedding. He was only 27 and went to the ER for what we thought was food poisoning. Turns out it was pancreatitis and we were told he'd be out in a few days... 3 days later he was in ICU, where he remained for 2 weeks, and never came out. Although I say that he passed away on the 1st, I know I truly lost him Sept 17th because that's when he went into the coma he would never come out of. This is the longest I've ever gone not hearing his voice, his laughter and it's so hard to accept that he's really gone. Everywhere I turn I think of him. Everything in this town reminds me of him, of "us," of everything we had planned.

I feel so lost. I lost my mom when I was 17 almost 10 years ago, ironically the day before Ray's birthday. I was thrown into the "mom" role soon after and I don't think I ever really dealt with what happened then. Now, I just don't know what to do. I keep busy, and everyone is constantly telling me that I am just so strong and they are amazed at how well I'm doing. But I don't know how much of that is me resorting back to how I dealt with my mom's death.

I have had the hardest time crying. I want to cry. I hate feeling sad and not being able to cry. My friends have been amazing, but it's now been a month and this is when the phone calls die down. Not as many people bring it up. The holidays are coming up and I am dreading them. We had already been celebrating the holidays together for years. It was tradition.

I haven't been able to find anything on loosing a fiance anywhere else. We weren't married, but we lived together for 9 beautiful months, that I would never give up. I read some of the previous posts and thought this might be helpful. I've even considered talking to a therapist.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I'm sorry you lost the one you love so very much, and were planning your life with. Even though you weren't married a couple of decades, like my wife and I have been, it doesn't lessen the pain you feel, nor does it negate the emotions going through your heart now. Take all the time you need just for you. Just for you. You need time to heal. As the holidays approach, I tell people to be painfully honest, but also use a gentle tact in how you say what you must. Holidays are a time for family, generally an emotional time, so give yourself time for yourself to recover before you get into these emotional ventures. There aren't many sites with forums devoted specifically to those betroathed. Beyond Indigo is a set of forums dedicated to many different groups of people, and while the betroathed may not be tailored specifically, there are forums that can come close to fitting the niche for your needs. I hope you can attach to a forum and meet some people, as there are so many truly caring people here. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad. Jenni was killed in 1996 after being kidnapped and raped. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

[Guest Guest]

AS others have said not sure how well I will be here. I lost my husband Mark October 21st,2006. He was not just my husband but my best freind/soul mate. I talked to him about everything. Now that he is gone I feel like Part of me will never be the same. Mark had an inoperable brain tumor. It went very fast. I now find myself 2 weeks later talking to him because it makes me feel connected to him in some small way. I know that he is not suffering anymore, and he is with my 2 deceased daughters in heaven, but sometime it makes the pain worse. I have 4 small children. Ages 4 months to 11. And I sometimes question how can I parent these babys by myself. But I find that I am a lot stronger then I give myself credit for.

Mark and I were Married for 7 years. Even after the losses of my daughter's I saw my life going in a direction that I loved. I loved my children and my life. And Now I hate my life in some ways. Life sometimes goes in ways that we cannot expect.

But I tell myself God will not give us more then we can handle.

Thanks for listening

[Guest Guest]

I also have a very recent loss, my husband of almost 27 years, Terry. He passed away in the hospital one week ago tonight. Terry was my rock. He was who helped me get through things like this and now I have to go it alone. People who have made it through the loss of their mate tell me that eventually it will get better and the pain will lessen. Right now I hurt so much that I can hardly breathe. I can't look past today because the future we planned together is gone. My two grown children and my one year old granddaughter are the only reasons I get up each day. I have to hold to the hope that things will get easier as time goes on. Surely it can't stay as difficult and painful as it is right now.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I am so very sorry you have lost your husband. twenty seven years is a long time to share in a journey. I've walked this path of life with my wife for twenty, and I doubt we'll celebrate twenty one together. She is in the last stage of one of the dystrophies. Now is the time you must concentrate on, not some nondescript point in the future. At some point in the future, you will be able to say this doesn't hurt as much as it did back on November 4, 2006. But today, it hurts beyond words. Take a moment just for you, and think about your own breath. Listen to it. This is you. This is life. You are here, and you will be able to take the next step. Don't set yourself up for emotional failure by planning twenty steps ahead. One at a time. Only one. Welcome to Beyond Indigo. This is our place, a place to talk about our sorrow and pain. It's a place to be ourselves within the framework of who we are within grief and grieving. We are here to listen to you, and to help you along your journey all we can. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad. Jenni died on May 22, 1996 after being kidnapped and raped. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you have peace and hope for today.

[Guest Guest]

I just signed on this site this evening and read your message. I lost my fiance on 8-18-06, on his 25th birthday in a automobile accident. He was the most important person in my life. I never imagined that I could be as happy as he made me. The last weeks have been very difficult, more so since our wedding date is almost here. We were to be married this Saturday. Him and I were so busy working 50 hr weeks, building a house and planning a wedding. This has been worse than any nightmare I could of imagined.

Tyler and I spent the past six months attending a couple weddings a month, it seemed this was the year for all of our friends to tie the knot. I have only attended one wedding since his death. I was a bridesmaid in his brother's wedding, one in which he was to be the best man. It was one of the hardest things i have ever done, but I knew he would of wanted me in it if he couldnt be there. Our wedding was supposed to be the last big wedding of the year. I have such a large group of friends, but it is still so hard even being around them without having tyler by my side.

I have no idea how to get past lossing Tyler, so I take it one day at a time and try to stay busy. And try to believe that the pain will lessen with time, but it hasn't gotten any easier yet.

[aprilfrmwis]

I am so sorry for the loss of Tyler I know how hard it must be for you. It is hard being around our group of friends because they just do not understand the pain that we feel. Mark my husband passed away just 2 weeks and 2 days ago. I have 4 small children. It is hard on me but even harder on the kids. Sometimes I put my feelings aside because My kids are utmost important to me. Hang in there. I know through the death of my 2 daughters that it does soften. (((HUGS)))

April

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I'm sorry you lost your beloved and betrothed Tyler. To lose the one you love so dearly, more than your own breath, is a terrible, bitter pain. Take each moment, and remember to breathe. Take gentle care of yourself. The journey of grief begins and continues with each step. While each step has pain, it also brings healing. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Aprilfrmwis, aside from the intense feelings of pain and sorrow running through your heart, your children also feel painful things in their own way. Children grieve in a different way from us adults. They may bottle up until all is calm and quiet with mom, then "poof!", their feelings come rushing out. I don't want you to be afraid of what I'm saying, but ready. When their time is near, you'll begin to see little "cues" that they're ready to talk to someone, and when they give you these, a therapist will be of great help. I pray you may have peace, for you and your precious children. Mark, Jenni's dad

[terracotta]

My dear husband died two weeks ago, after more than a year of aggressive treatments against a very aggressive and rare type of cancer. He loved life, and had many activities that he enjoyed; he did not want to die. But when we were told a little over a month ago that he didn't have long to live, he did his best to accept the difficult news. I miss him so much. I was numb at first, but have been able to cry the last few days. But no matter what I do -- sit numbly, talk with friends or family, cry alone at home, etc -- it doesn't change the fact that my sweet husband is dead.

[bobaloutoo]

I lost my husband oct 12, 2006 this is the 2nd time I have become a widow. I was sad for a time from my first. But this time I was so in love with my husband Bob. I am having trouble coping. It was so sudden. He was not sick, it happened at his desk at work. I dont know the cause of his death. A complete autopsy was done and its going to take 12 weeks for me to know.

I never knew I could shed so many tears. He enjoyed life, we did so many things together and had so many plans for now and after retirement.

[rodless]

I am so sorry for your losses. My husband died from chemo complications in July, and I have been through everything you talk about. The tears just keep coming but I think it does get a little easier as I go. Keep posting - it will help. Mary Jo

[dougsbabydoll]

I recently lost my fiance' 2 months ago. It was a sudden death, a boating accident, where he was swimming and went under and wasn't found for 50 minutes. Doug and I were to be married on September 20th and he died on September 8, 12 days before our wedding. I don't know if I'm in the correct message board or not, I don't know where I fit in. We lived together for 3 1/2 years and everyone called us "husband" and "wife", as they knew our intentions. I've tried to get into a grief support group, but the only place here that has them are funeral homes and I cannot bring myself to walk into one of those. I've tried to contact my priest (I'm Catholic) and he has called very few times. His dedication is to Doug's parents as they have been members of the church for years and donate a lot of time and money. I just feel lost, I don't know where to go, and I have no where to get support. My friends here are few. I am close to Doug's best friend and his wife, but I never really met many people here because since moving here, I had a lot of health issues and was in and out of the hospital a lot. My family and some friends live in the Eastern part of the state and I live in the Western part which is about 6 hours away. I also have friends in other states because of a rare condition I have, and co-founded an organization for it. Its just here, the nights are lonely, Saturdays are so horrible for me. I rarely get any visits. Its just so hard for me. I still expect Doug to walk in the door so I don't think reality has set in yet. I've been reading a lot of books on grief trying to educate myself on it. And 2 months before Doug's incident, he and I worked on an article on Grief for our newsletter for my organization, so we did a lot of research. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[gkwhite1163]

I recently lost my husband (Kevin) one month ago. A sudden death in which he past away in his sleep.That morning still haunts me as I awoke to him next to me. He was 44 yrs old and no known illness. We were married for 5 yrs, I met him on a blind date and knew I would marry this man. We had both been married before and divorced, but knew this love was going to be for a lifetime. He made me so happy. He was my best friend, lover, soul mate. I recently returned to work after taking 3 weeks off. I am still in a fog. Some days feel so hopeless and all I do cry. Waiting for autopsy results is difficult.. as they state it can take 3-4 months. I don't know if this will bring any closure or not. My children are supportive(ages 23-21-15)and stepchildren(ages 25-22)are supportive also, but they have their own way of dealing with their grief. They tell me to keep busy...(doesnt work for me). I had so much support in the first few weeks after Kevins death, but somehow the friends seem to disappear..which I understand ...most people dont want to discuss death.. I still feel numb.. I still cant believe he isnt coming home to me. I love and miss him so much...Any help or suggestions? desperate for support...

[rodless]

gkwhite, I lost my husband in July from chemo complications. I also was in a second marriage after a divorce. I cannot tell you when things get easier. I know as I've gone along, each month I am more accepting of what happened but every one travels this road at their own speed. This board is a good place to come - there are others in the I Miss Him So part that have had sudden losses of young husbands. Read the back posts and they may help you. If you can find someone else who has lost a spouse to talk to, that will be a tremendous help. "Regular" people go on with their lives, and although they mean well, until it happens to them they do not understand what you are going through. Day by day, sometimes minute by minute...it's all you can do. Stay in touch. Mary Jo

[gkwhite1163]

rodless, thank you so much for your words of understanding regarding this horrible nightmare I wish to awake from every day. It has been 5 weeks since my husband Kevins passing and it seems as though my heart aches more each day. In the beginning it seems as though the shock stays with you for weeks... I believe when the shock starts to wear off is when the heart aches even more. I still wait to hear his foot steps in the house.. his arms wrapped around me kissing me and telling me how much he loves me.. I go to his gravesite every Sat and Sun and cry and cry trying to make sense of why he was taken from me so soon. Just words of encouragment from others such as yourself seem to give me hope of some peace in my heart. Thank you so much- God Bless - grace

[rodless]

Grace, I am glad you posted again. I know how it is when the numbness/shock wears off and the pain begins. My first marriage ended in a terrible divorce. My second husband, Rod, was such a gift to me because I found out I was capable of a loving, trusting relationship. We were married 13 years. I keep trying to remind myself that I could have been alone all of those years. Instead, I had a wonderful husband. Somedays it works, somedays it doesn't. Cry when you need to.. tears are healing in their own way. And keep you memories, they will become more comforting as you go on, even the ones that you think you can't bear because they hurt so much. Thinking of you... Mary Jo

[Kelly]

Hello all,

Thank you for being members of our message boards. In March I am going and speaking to a group of funeral directors who really want to learn how to help their families they serve better. The discussion is to help the funeral directors think about what death means to them (including their own) so that they treat people with more companission. I could really use your help by answering this short survey. The results will be shared with this group of funeral directors but not your name. Please copy and cut this link into a new browser to take the survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=816323037425 .

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[kristiej]

I just discovered this site today. I lost my husband on August 4th after almost a year long bout with cancer. Right up until the end I thought somehow he would get better. The week after he died was my birthday. Two weeks after that would have been our 32nd anniversary and two days after that our youngest son's birthday. I took time off from my job starting in May to be his caregiver. The week before I was going to go back, they cancelled my contract and I was out of a job. In less than a month I lost my husband, went through three big days and lost my job. I'm back working now at least for a little while and in a very strange twist of fate, I'm working at the place that arranges home care for the terminally ill. I don't know why I'm there, but I don't think it's just coicindence. It was while going through their internet site I came across this site.

I don't know anyone who has lost their spouse. I've been meeting with someone from the Hospice centre, but she lost someone different in her family so while she knows what it's like to loose a loved one, it's not quite the same. I was hoping I could find a place like this to come too. My sons are both grown and out on their own and the house is so quiet and lonely. I think I'm just coming out of that freeze now because I almost hurt more now then I did before. The season doesn't help either. And next Tuesday would have been his 53rd birthday. It's so ironic and unfair that this happened to Ron. He always took such good care of himself, much better than I do.

I'm just glad I found this place.

[rodless]

Kristie, I lost my husband, Rod, to cancer in July three weeks before our anniversary and my birthday so I understand your feelings. Even though I knew how sick he was, I somehow thought there will be a miracle. You have gone through a lot without much support. I am also glad you found this spot... the people here understand. Mary Jo

[Guest Guest]

My husband Mike had a heart attack and passed away on December 19. We\'d been together since 2000... I\'ve no clue what I\'m going to do without him, he was everything to me. Mike was only 48. We\'d gone to IL the previous week, for his mother\'s funeral. I guess that was good, it gave us a lot of time together in the car to talk about \"What if\", but I never expected \"what if\" to be so soon.

Mike was fine, the day before, even 10 minutes before... He\'d called me at work the day before, and offered to bring me lunch, and did. It was something he very rarely did, since he worked 3rd shift, and was usually asleep when I was on my lunch break. When I got off work, I had gotten a present in the mail for him I\'d ordered, I couldn\'t stand it and gave it to him, and he was thrilled with it. We spent a couple hours alone that afternoon, and I\'m so grateful for that.

He was starting days the next morning, for his plant\'s Christmas shutdown, he was a maintenance tech there, and had to work the shutdown. We both had to be at work at 6am that morning. Mike got up around 430, got coffee going, took a shower.... Poked me a few times to get up, I finally did. Just after I got up, he went out to take out the trash, and I started gathering my clothes for work. I had my back turned when he came in our bedroom and laid down really hard on the bed, like he was going to nap a bit before work, which wasn\'t normal. I asked what he was doing, he didn\'t answer... I turned around and looked, and he was just shaking his head, not talking... So I walked over to the bed, and he wouldn\'t look at me. I kept saying his name, holding his head still trying to get him to answer me, look at me... I thought he was having a seizure, and had it cross my mind if he was ok and I called 911 he\'d be so mad, but I called anyway. The 911 operator was so frustrating, I kept telling her he wasn\'t breathing, she kept asking if I was sure... I honestly don\'t think it would have mattered, but, still. Mike was gone before the ambulance/police arrived.

Mike\'s whole family was in IL, My whole family was in SC, we lived in Ohio. I spent the entire day at the house, with just my two boys (10 and 17) waiting on my parents/sister\'s plane, and for them to get to me.. It was literally the longest day of my life. That was a Tuesday, I stayed with my sister in a hotel, until Friday. The funeral was on Thursday, and on Friday my family brought me home to SC.

Christmas was really hard, New Year\'s was even harder, Mike and I could always count on spending time alone on New Year\'s Eve, and Day. It\'s easy to forget, and pretend it didn\'t happen, because I spent a lot of time visiting my parents when I was on shutdown, and Mike had to work, I don\'t think even now that it\'s real. I keep thinking I need to call him, or talk to him on msn/icq.. I don\'t even cry much now, I think because I just don\'t accept it. I know Mike knew I loved him, and I know he loved me, and I just keep telling myself that, and it helps, I\'m glad I have no doubts or regrets in that regard.

I\'m going back home around January 12, to work my 2-week notice, and will be moving out of our house by the end of January. I haven\'t spent a single night there since it happened, and I know it\'s going to hit me hard when I get back. My 17 yr old will be staying with me, but I wish I\'d stayed at the house before I came down here, it would be more \"real\", I think.

I'm so tired of hearing "God has his reasons", it's just not fair that Mikey was taken from me, we should have had so much more time together. Neither of us had been as happy before we met, as we were together, we deserved more time. I mean, I believe in God, I'm not very religious, but that just doesn't help me, and makes me mad at God, for taking him. I have no clue what I'm going to do without him.

[gibzgirl]

I registered, not sure why that said guest.

[bsnurse76]

Gibzgirl-You are in my thoughts and prayers. Reading your story reminded me a lot of mine. My boyfriend, Darren, passed on Nov.4. We went out of town for our birthdays. He started feeling bad about 45 minutes before he was gone. He just complained of an upset stomach. I am thankful we had such a great car ride and conversation together. I also feel that I don't have any regrets or hard feelings about anything. Darren was 45 years old, he would of turned 46 the next day. You have come to a great place that has provided me with comfort over the last two months and I hope it will provide you with support and comfort. I also post and read under the I miss him so much tab. I am thinking of you and your family. Brandi

[rodless]

Gibzgirl, I am so sorry about your husband. I lost mine in July and the first month I was numb and dumbfounded even though he had been ill for a long time. It must be much worse to have it happen in a sudden unexpected way. Gradually the pain descended and the tears came. It's ok to be mad at God. Sometimes it is so hard to understand why we have lost the right one we finally found him. (Mine was a second marriage and a source of great happiness.) Stay with us. It helps as much as anything can at this time. Mary Jo

[diajon13]

Hello Everyone,

I'm so sorry for your losses. I just lost my husband in July. He has been sick for awhile. But you alway think that he will be ok or with you forever. I always told him that I wanted it to be me to go first,but he would never listen.

We have been together for 35years,32years married. He was my best friend,soul mate,lover and most of all my other half. I miss him more each day. I sometimes feel very angry that he had to be the one to go. Because he was a very good heart person who would have given or done anything for any one. He had a heart of gold. He was so young to me 55year old. People allways say that they know how you feel , but unless this has happen to you, I really don't think they know. That why it is so important to be able to talk or write to someone who knows what you are feeling. I hope that God will help each and everyone of you to get through this. I believe that if i talk to my husband each day that he will hear me and be by my side each day. Just like we have been all these years.

[armaiti]

Diajon13 - I am so sorry for your loss. My partner, Ishaq, also crossed over in July, and he also was 55. It was sudden, a blood clot or heart attack, and unexpected. He had been a diabetic since nine years old so I always knew that this was a possibility but I never thought it would be this soon.

I talk to him every day, and I do feel he is with me. He sends me messages in dreams, and in other ways. I believe that when we cross over, we do continue, but in another form, so I know I'll be with Ishaq again when my time comes. But for the time until that happens, I know I'll miss him every minute of every day, in his physical form. I am so grateful for his presence still in my life and for the ten and half years we had together before he crossed over. He is my soulmate still and will always be.

My prayers and blessings go out to you.

Love and Blessings

Anna Armaiti

[Guest Guest]

Hello all. My name is Christine and I am 27. I lost my wonderful fiance Dan...aka Dan my Man on Friday December 22, 2006. I rec'd a phone call from his roommate and cousin that she had found him dead in the hallway at approx. 0715 EST. Dan lived in Boston, which is where we met. I live in Idaho. Dan and I had just spent 10 wonderful,loving days together in NYC for my suprise Christmas gift from him. He took me to great restuarants, to see Phantom on Broadway (my dream come true) and to Rockafeller. While at WTC he asked me to marry him! We had such a great, true love. People would actually turn their heads to watch us. He was kind and giving. I love him more every day. I miss him with every fiber of my being and find myself looking for him every where I go. Whether it be the store or searching for something on google I simply wish his beautiful face would pop up. Or that when my cell phone rings it has his name on teh caller ID. I flew back to Idaho on Wednesday the 20 and spent Thurday on the phone both texting and speaking with Dan. I last talked to him at 9:30 pm Mnt time (1130 EST) and he told me he loved me and would talk to me in the morning. I hung up with stomach cramps because we had been laughing so hard! Well, at 0618 on Friday the 22nd my phone rings and the caller ID said Dan so I answered "Hey baby!" It was Renees voice. And I will never forget her words. They still ring thru my head when I allow my mind and body to become inactive. Dan passed away that morning, 35 years old of what is assumed a sudden heart attack. I miss him so much. Just writing this takes my breath away and my legs hurt with deep pain. I don't know how to get on. How to let go of our dreams and plans. Of that little girl he spoke of. Of teaching her how to dance and spending Sundays watching the Patriots play FB. Or going to Fenway and watching the Sox. Or of the many travels we spoke about. How do you let go of that? How do you move on? How do you let this pain go? How do you not cry? I want what we planned. I want that life. I want our dreams. This was not it. This was not how our love was suppose to end....me tossing a white rose on a perfect casket on a gray day in Mansfield.

[Guest Guest]

I recently lost my husband on Jan 1st, this year.

We were so close, we have 2 wonderful kids 15 and 7, we are devestated.

We just dont know what to do!

[Guest Guest]

Why do all my posts still say guest???

Im registered under justbroken??

[Kelly]

Justbroken,

You aren't signed into the message board before you post. Up in the right hand corner click Log Out then resign in again. Then your name will show up.

Kelly

[Kelly]

We just got back in our popular Remember Pins. Show that you are remembering a loved one by wearing these pins. The proceeds cover the cost of the pins and help support Beyond Indigo. Too see the pins and wristbands as well as place an order copy and paste this link into a new broswer window.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/sunshop/index.php?action=category&id=2

Kelly

[justbroken]

I just wanted to say, I come here looking for some kind of comfort. I look for people to post back to me, or be in touch with someone that is going through the same thing as me. But I guess its not what I thought here.

Sue

[rodless]

Sue, I used to check this board several times a day at first. Now I don't always do that so I miss seeing new people. Just broken is how I felt at first. I still do sometimes although is has gotten better. My kids are grown so I go home to an empty house but I am even geting adjusted to that after 7 months. Time does help but I know those words are empty to you now. One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one minute at a time is all you can do and no one else can do it for you. It is harder with children to take care of because you need to be there for them. Don't give up on the board yet... you'll see some responses that will help you. Remember to take care of yourself. It's also hard to do. Mary Jo

[jutto21]

Hello All, Your words & feelings have already made me feel more peaceful with losing my beloved Fred. He passed on Dec21,2006. His most favorite time of year (Christmas time) He was 56 yrs young, he too had Diabetes & heart disease diagnosed at age 36. we were only dating 4 months when I asked him to get checked out. We were married 20 yrs & knew each other 23 yrs, both our second marriages. He was my best friend & there was never a day went by that I didn't feel how much he loved me. If I should never feel that kind of love again, I Thank God I got to have had it once in my life like that. I miss his presence so much. My life feels so empty without him here. I feel lost & unsure what I'm suppose to be doing without him. God Bless you & Thank You for listening. jutto21

[mich14hope]

Hello, My name is michelle. A month and a half ago, January 4, 2007, I suddenly lost my 39yr old husband--on the morning of my 37th birthday.

He negligently prescribed “PROMETHAZINE” to my husband for flu-like symptoms on 1-2-07. My husband had been vomiting (and diarrhea) for two days prior, leaving him dehydrated. My husband had pre-existing medical conditions (ex. Chronic respiratory problems, sleep apnea, stomach ulcer), that this Dr. had previously treated him for or had prior knowledge of, that in them selves, were not serious, but combined with the Promethazine, and the dehydration, proved to be deadly.

On the morning of my birthday, 1-4-07, as I was waking up, my husband was behaving very strangely, running around, not making any sense. I asked him to

Get ready to leave; we were going to see the doctor. While he was in the bedroom, I was in the kitchen getting coffee, when I heard a loud noise coming from the direction of our bedroom, where my husband was dressing. I opened the door to see my husband laying on his back, mouth wide open, with yellow foam on the corners of his lips, his eyes open all the way, with a fixed upward stare, his arms and legs rigid (flexed), arms extended and about 3 inches off the floor (in mid-air), with his hands in a half claw, with no heartbeat and not breathing. I administered CPR (I am BLS Certified, for my job; I work at our local acute care Hospital), for 25min. and called 911 (I called about 5 min. after beginning the CPR). Like myself, the paramedics did all they could with no response from my husband. They couldn’t rececitate him at the hospital either.

Later (about an hour after the paramedics left with my husband), our Dr. called and told me that it must have been an allergic reaction to the medication promethazine. He said that my husband's temperature was 107* degree’s--and that was close to an hour after his last breath, I estimated--He and the ER Doctor (the Dr.who was telling me this) had just looked up the warnings and risks(why didn‘t he look up promethazine BEFORE he prescribed it?). They discovered that a lot of the symptoms, including the high fever/the hyperthermia, (etc) were listed as an allergic reaction to the Promethazine. I asked him if my husbands’s hyperventilating was also, and he said he didn’t know about that. I reminded him of my late husband’s respiratory issues and he suddenly had to get off the phone. The doctor avoided me for nearly two weeks; canceling three of my children’s appointments during that time. He would call in prescriptions for us (they had scarlet fever), but no appointments were honored, except for the first two (out of 6), in which my twin sister took them to. In all the years we’ve been seeing this Doctor, he NEVER allowed this type of thing. It was obvious that something was going on with the doctor, a guilty conscious maybe? Once he realized his own error; realizing that he had prescribed the wrong medication--- the one that killed my husband. Two weeks after my husband’s death, when I finally demanded to see him, and to get a copy of my husband’s medical chart, I was told that I could come back during the doctors lunch hour to do so. Before leaving, I again, asked to see the chart, and had already signed the release form to do so, yet they denied me access to it until 4 ½ hours later, when I came back during the doctors lunch hour at 1pm. I left with a very uneasy feeling.

When I returned at 1pm, I asked (the very nerves appearing) Doctor, “what killed my husband?” He said, “Nobody knows! These things just sometimes happen!” I reminded him of what he had said on the phone, the day my husband died, but he remained silent, only saying, “I don’t know” and other useless answers. When I brought up my husbands chronic respiratory problems, the doctor very defensively said that (during the 1-2-07 appt.) my husband told him that he no longer suffered from his coughing problem. Well, now I knew the doctor was lying because that was the other reason my husband made the appointment with him in the first place! My husband was having a sharp pain in the area of his right lung for at least a week beforehand. The majority of Doug’s prior appointments were in relation to Doug’s respiratory difficulties; a chronic cough that was progressively getting worse, for the past two years, was somehow miraculously gone the morning he was prescribed the deadly medication? A medication that shouldn’t have been given to him because of these respiratory issues, stomach ulcer, sleep apnea, dehydration….all of these, or at least one of these should have raised a red flag with the doctor to not prescribe Promethazine.

When looking up this medication online recently, I learned about these “red flags,” and A LOT of other disturbing information. Some of what I learned was that Promethazine has been known to cause a potentially life-threatening disorder, Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome that is precipitated by the use of medications that block the neurotransmitter calamine. Promethazine is one of these Neuroleptic medications. The syndrome results in dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system responsible for regulating such involuntary actions as heart rate, blood pressure, digestion, and sweating. Muscle tone, body temperature, and consciousness are also severely affected. The medical definition of Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome: Hyperthermia in reaction to the use of neuroleptic drugs, accompanied by extra pyramidal and autonomic disturbances that may be fatal. Neuroleptic malignant Syndrome occurs due to interference with dopamine activity in the central nervous system, either by depletion of available reserves of dopamine or by blockade of receptors that dopamine usually stimulates.

Diagnosis for Nueroleptic Malignant Syndrome :

(NOTE: All symptoms with” ** “ next to them are what I witnessed my husband having…some may not be known until pathology report is available)

Includes the presence of hyperthermia** (temp. over 101 F) with no other assignable cause, muscle rigidity**, and at least five of the following signs or symptoms: impaired mental status**, tremor**, fast heart rate**, fast respiratory rate**, loss of bladder or bowel control, fluctuating blood pressure, metabolic acidosis, excess blood acidity (metabolic acidosis), increased blood levels of creatanine phosphokinase (normally found in muscles and released into the bloodstream due to muscle damage), heavy sweating**, drooling**, or increased white blood cell count (leukocytosis).

As you can see above, my husband had the majority of the syndrome symptoms the day he suddenly died. For example, symptoms included extremely high body temperature (hyperthermia), ranging from 101* to 108*F; heavy sweating, tachycardia (fast heart rate); tachyon (fast respiratory rate); rapid fluctuating blood pressure; impaired consciousness/mental confusion; tremor; rigid stiff muscles (termed “lead pipe rigidity); catatonia (a fixed stupor us state), etc.

Without relatively immediate, aggressive treatment, coma and complete respiratory and cardiovascular collapse will take place, followed by death.

This is what I believe the cause of death was for my husband!!! Should I bring this information to the sheriff’s dept. that is conducting the investigation for my husband’s death? Hopefully, they will figure it out on their own, I’m not sure if they are aware of all of the symptoms he had prior to my husband’s death.

My husband had an autopsy (inconclusive) and I will be requesting a copy of it this week. Also, I’m still waiting for the coroner’s report, which will include the pathology report, to find out officially, what his cause of death was. His death cert. has “unknown” listed as the cause of death presently.

My husband left behind five devastated children when he suddenly died. He was a wonderful, loving, good-natured, always honest, hardworking, devoted husband and even better father. Our children are: Elizabeth 17months, Faith 5yrs, Ashley 8 yrs; Jacob 14yrs, Kayla 17yrs. Each were very close to my husband, he spent all of his time (when he wasn’t working) with them. They, along with me were totally dependant on him in countless ways. It simply is NOT fair that he should be taken from us this way. I am so lost in this world with out him...

P.S.

Sorry about this being so lengthy. Probably ALOT more than you

Best wishes,

Michelle

Thank You,

Michelle Stice

Mich14hope@yahoo.com

[mich14hope]

Hello, My name is michelle. A month and a half ago, January 4, 2007, I suddenly lost my 39yr old husband--on the morning of my 37th birthday.

He negligently prescribed “PROMETHAZINE” to my husband for flu-like symptoms on 1-2-07. My husband had been vomiting (and diarrhea) for two days prior, leaving him dehydrated. My husband had pre-existing medical conditions (ex. Chronic respiratory problems, sleep apnea, stomach ulcer), that this Dr. had previously treated him for or had prior knowledge of, that in them selves, were not serious, but combined with the Promethazine, and the dehydration, proved to be deadly.

On the morning of my birthday, 1-4-07, as I was waking up, my husband was behaving very strangely, running around, not making any sense. I asked him to

Get ready to leave; we were going to see the doctor. While he was in the bedroom, I was in the kitchen getting coffee, when I heard a loud noise coming from the direction of our bedroom, where my husband was dressing. I opened the door to see my husband laying on his back, mouth wide open, with yellow foam on the corners of his lips, his eyes open all the way, with a fixed upward stare, his arms and legs rigid (flexed), arms extended and about 3 inches off the floor (in mid-air), with his hands in a half claw, with no heartbeat and not breathing. I administered CPR (I am BLS Certified, for my job; I work at our local acute care Hospital), for 25min. and called 911 (I called about 5 min. after beginning the CPR). Like myself, the paramedics did all they could with no response from my husband. They couldn’t rececitate him at the hospital either.

Later (about an hour after the paramedics left with my husband), our Dr. called and told me that it must have been an allergic reaction to the medication promethazine. He said that my husband's temperature was 107* degree’s--and that was close to an hour after his last breath, I estimated--He and the ER Doctor (the Dr.who was telling me this) had just looked up the warnings and risks(why didn‘t he look up promethazine BEFORE he prescribed it?). They discovered that a lot of the symptoms, including the high fever/the hyperthermia, (etc) were listed as an allergic reaction to the Promethazine. I asked him if my husbands’s hyperventilating was also, and he said he didn’t know about that. I reminded him of my late husband’s respiratory issues and he suddenly had to get off the phone. The doctor avoided me for nearly two weeks; canceling three of my children’s appointments during that time. He would call in prescriptions for us (they had scarlet fever), but no appointments were honored, except for the first two (out of 6), in which my twin sister took them to. In all the years we’ve been seeing this Doctor, he NEVER allowed this type of thing. It was obvious that something was going on with the doctor, a guilty conscious maybe? Once he realized his own error; realizing that he had prescribed the wrong medication--- the one that killed my husband. Two weeks after my husband’s death, when I finally demanded to see him, and to get a copy of my husband’s medical chart, I was told that I could come back during the doctors lunch hour to do so. Before leaving, I again, asked to see the chart, and had already signed the release form to do so, yet they denied me access to it until 4 ½ hours later, when I came back during the doctors lunch hour at 1pm. I left with a very uneasy feeling.

When I returned at 1pm, I asked (the very nerves appearing) Doctor, “what killed my husband?” He said, “Nobody knows! These things just sometimes happen!” I reminded him of what he had said on the phone, the day my husband died, but he remained silent, only saying, “I don’t know” and other useless answers. When I brought up my husbands chronic respiratory problems, the doctor very defensively said that (during the 1-2-07 appt.) my husband told him that he no longer suffered from his coughing problem. Well, now I knew the doctor was lying because that was the other reason my husband made the appointment with him in the first place! My husband was having a sharp pain in the area of his right lung for at least a week beforehand. The majority of Doug’s prior appointments were in relation to Doug’s respiratory difficulties; a chronic cough that was progressively getting worse, for the past two years, was somehow miraculously gone the morning he was prescribed the deadly medication? A medication that shouldn’t have been given to him because of these respiratory issues, stomach ulcer, sleep apnea, dehydration….all of these, or at least one of these should have raised a red flag with the doctor to not prescribe Promethazine.

When looking up this medication online recently, I learned about these “red flags,” and A LOT of other disturbing information. Some of what I learned was that Promethazine has been known to cause a potentially life-threatening disorder, Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome that is precipitated by the use of medications that block the neurotransmitter calamine. Promethazine is one of these Neuroleptic medications. The syndrome results in dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system responsible for regulating such involuntary actions as heart rate, blood pressure, digestion, and sweating. Muscle tone, body temperature, and consciousness are also severely affected. The medical definition of Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome: Hyperthermia in reaction to the use of neuroleptic drugs, accompanied by extra pyramidal and autonomic disturbances that may be fatal. Neuroleptic malignant Syndrome occurs due to interference with dopamine activity in the central nervous system, either by depletion of available reserves of dopamine or by blockade of receptors that dopamine usually stimulates.

Diagnosis for Nueroleptic Malignant Syndrome :

(NOTE: All symptoms with” ** “ next to them are what I witnessed my husband having…some may not be known until pathology report is available)

Includes the presence of hyperthermia** (temp. over 101 F) with no other assignable cause, muscle rigidity**, and at least five of the following signs or symptoms: impaired mental status**, tremor**, fast heart rate**, fast respiratory rate**, loss of bladder or bowel control, fluctuating blood pressure, metabolic acidosis, excess blood acidity (metabolic acidosis), increased blood levels of creatanine phosphokinase (normally found in muscles and released into the bloodstream due to muscle damage), heavy sweating**, drooling**, or increased white blood cell count (leukocytosis).

As you can see above, my husband had the majority of the syndrome symptoms the day he suddenly died. For example, symptoms included extremely high body temperature (hyperthermia), ranging from 101* to 108*F; heavy sweating, tachycardia (fast heart rate); tachyon (fast respiratory rate); rapid fluctuating blood pressure; impaired consciousness/mental confusion; tremor; rigid stiff muscles (termed “lead pipe rigidity); catatonia (a fixed stupor us state), etc.

Without relatively immediate, aggressive treatment, coma and complete respiratory and cardiovascular collapse will take place, followed by death.

This is what I believe the cause of death was for my husband!!! Should I bring this information to the sheriff’s dept. that is conducting the investigation for my husband’s death? Hopefully, they will figure it out on their own, I’m not sure if they are aware of all of the symptoms he had prior to my husband’s death.

My husband had an autopsy (inconclusive) and I will be requesting a copy of it this week. Also, I’m still waiting for the coroner’s report, which will include the pathology report, to find out officially, what his cause of death was. His death cert. has “unknown” listed as the cause of death presently.

My husband left behind five devastated children when he suddenly died. He was a wonderful, loving, good-natured, always honest, hardworking, devoted husband and even better father. Our children are: Elizabeth 17months, Faith 5yrs, Ashley 8 yrs; Jacob 14yrs, Kayla 17yrs. Each were very close to my husband, he spent all of his time (when he wasn’t working) with them. They, along with me were totally dependant on him in countless ways. It simply is NOT fair that he should be taken from us this way. I am so lost in this world with out him...

P.S.

Sorry about this being so lengthy. Probably ALOT more than you

Best wishes,

Michelle

Thank You,

Michelle Stice

Mich14hope@yahoo.com

[rodless]

Oh Michelle, I am so sorry for your loss and trauma. I can't begin to imagine how it must feel. Yes, I think you need to go on exploring the medical issues. I'm sure the doctor is fearing a malpractice suit. Be sure to document everything if you already haven't. My husband died in July from an allergic reaction to a chemo drug given for non-hodgkins lymphoma. Of course, the risks of chemo are stated and he really had no choice but to go ahead with it so my situation was different. He was also older but had lung damage due to previous chemo. Please join us on the "I miss him so" board as well as this one and we'll try to help you as you go through this. Mary Jo