Recent Loss

[Guest Guest]

I just found this site today.... a friend sent it to me.

I'm just feeling so lost... I guess I needed an outlet. My husband died unexpectedly last week... not quite 7 days ago. My whole world has been ripped out from under me.

He was my best friend, a true mate of my soul and my heart.

I have lots of support... friends... coworkers.... family.... but, it's just not what I need. All I need is to wake up from this nightmare...

The tears won't stop... I find it hard to imagine there are any left.

The world is a big and lonely place right now... and I don't want any part of it... I want him back... I need him back... I can't image life without him...

------------------------------------

http://www.legacy.com/theday/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=17319592

[lostinmyownhead]

Keep coming back, Guest. You will find a forum and people that know what you're going through and will walk with you through this journey. I'm only 2 months into it, but I'm on the same path as you, as are many on this site. Keep coming back.

Erin

[dlarowe]

I'm the "guest" from the below message....

When people talk about their whole life being pulled out from under them…. I can understand… and agree that even that is an understatement.

This has been the longest, most horrible week of my life. Mark was buried last Sunday. I went to the cemetery today. I sat on the ground, in what little grass there is… and just talked to him… and sobbed.

My heart… my soul has been ripped to shreds. Mark was my whole life. He was everything to me. I truly believe that every once in a millennium 2 people are just meant to be together. Since the day I was born… the same day his mom got married… we have shared these “life circles.”

If we were meant to be together… why was he taken from us so soon? Why didn’t God take us BOTH? I can’t imagine life again… more than the breathing and the motions of existence… without him.

My heart truly hurts. It aches so badly I wish I would just die. Every thought that I have is of Mark. He’s the face I see when I close my eyes at night… the man I long to hold in my arms…. He was my love… my only love. He is what made me who I am. I believed in ME with him. He made me feel special. He made me feel loved. He made me feel beautiful.

And he was all that. He was the most beautiful human being there ever was. He had such a good soul. He only wanted what was best for everyone… even a Yankee Fan. There wasn’t a bad fault to him… he was caring, gentle, loving, affectionate and thoughtful.

I tried taking care of him… why couldn’t I save him?? I would have taken care of him until the end of time. My whole insides shudder and ache as if they’re just turning themselves inside out.

Why? What have I done wrong?

[lostinmyownhead]

Dear dlarowe,

How I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug. If I had a dime for everytime I asked "why couldn't I save him", I'd be a rich woman today. I've also wondered why I didn't go too.

I've come to the conclusion, through counseling and this site, that there's nothing I could've done. God does indeed work in mysterious, sometimes seemingly unfair and cruel ways.

I don't have any magic words of wisdom, or anything that could even begin to take your pain away. Just know that there are people here who care, understand, and are truly compassionate.

Keep coming back, keep reading.

I'll admit that some of the posts on this site have kept me going through this horrible nightmare. I hope you can find the same.

I wish you peace for the day, and strength for your journey.

Much love,

Erin

[cindysue]

Dlarowe, my heart aches for you and Erin so much cause both of your losses are so fresh..wow a week ago is not long at all..I for one know what you are going through..my husband died Aug the 1st of 2004 and I thought I was gonna die the first 6 monthes without him really the first year..me and him were married fo many years and when he died it was sudden and me and our baby was with him he died while celebrating his birthday in our boat he had a massive heart attack..I always wondered why did we have another child when are kids were grown but I guess he wanted to give me one more last precious gift..our son just turned 3 years old..and it is so hard being without my husband everyday I still cry and wonder why did he have to go so sudden and so fast without no warning and why on his birthday..to watch him die was the hardest thing to see..but he died where he would have wanted to on the boat ..in the middle of the lake I am just glad I was with him..but it does'nt ease the pain any less...I don't know how to say this but it will be a long time before you will not cry anymore...cause I still cry..everyday....but its gettin slowly better...my 3 year old son has a heart condition we found out and will have to have surgery soon so I worry that I am gonna lose him..but I know his daddy will watch over him so nothing will happen to him I have to belive that...believe me you have have nothing wrong it was just his time and nothing can stop that..as much as we wish we could..I always look back and think to myself why did'nt I see signs he was sick but I did'nt he was 45 on the day he died and we were married 28 years and together 30...we have 3 kids together..the last one was a surprise baby he left me before he had to leave this earth..but I will pray for you and also you Erin I am usually on young widowhood but thoought I would check this one out too...take care..

Hugs to you,

Cindysue

[teddysgal]

Hi, I just lost my husband on 27 March. We would have been married 7 years on 5 Jun. He was sick the whole time we were married. He had Hepatitis C which caused cirrhosis. then on the 19th of March went into the hospital with an internal infection. The doctor said it was the worse infection he had ever seen in his career. It took me 13 years to find him. We meet in Sep 1999. I was divorced from first husband in 86. I had married 1t 19 and stupid. I was in love with love. With my teddybear (hubby) it was totally different. He was the love of my life, and my soulmate. I don't know how to go on without him. How do you survive losing that one person that is everything to you? I was use to him being home every day when I got home from work because he couldn't work. He was on disability. I would have preferred God take me, or at the very least, take us both together. I don't want to start all over. I never wanted to grow old alone. I always thought/prayed that my teddybear would be around to grow old with, that he would get a liver transplant and be ok. I didn't get my prayers answered the way I wanted. I'm still here and he is gone. What do I do now? I don't know anyone else going through the same thing. So how can anyone else understand the pain!

[cindysue]

teddysgal..I am so sorry to hear about your husband..I know its hard I lost my husband of 28 years in Aug of 2004 and the pain does'nt get any better..its lonely my husband died unexpectedly in our boat celebrating his 46th birthday..we have 2 grown daughters and finally have a son..he is 3years old now..my husband die of a massive heart attack and to watch him die was aweful..he actually died in the boat people in another boat performed CPR on him and call the paramedics and they shocked his heart right on the floor of the boat but could'nt save him..me and our baby he was 16 monthes old at the time was with him..I am so sorry that your dear husband had to suffer so much..my husbands death was so fast I don't think he knew what hit him..the sad opart is our 3 year old son has a heart condition and will require surgery soon..we found this out 2 monthes before Roger died..so maybe the stress of knowin his son was sick killed him..but I thank God everyday that he gave me one last precious gift before he died..our girls are 28 and 22 so havin him was like it was meant to be..so I would'nt be alone....I am sorry I know its so hard being alone everyday without him is like torture but it gets easier little by little..you will never forget him he will always be around..my heart really go's out to you cause I know what you are going thorough...no one can understand your pain unless they have went through the same thing..I know how you feel not wanting to grow old alone..I wanted my Roger to see our son grow up and I guess it was'nt meant to be..makes me sad..I have to face everything alone..specially his upcomming sugerys for his heart..I don't know what I'll do if I lose him too..but I know my husband will be watchin over him...my prayers are with you..and once again I am sorry to hear about your husband..

Cindysue

[Guest Guest]

Hi, I just lost my husband on 27 March. We would have been married 7 years on 5 Jun. He was sick the whole time we were married. He had Hepatitis C which caused cirrhosis. then on the 19th of March went into the hospital with an internal infection. The doctor said it was the worse infection he had ever seen in his career. It took me 13 years to find him. We meet in Sep 1999. I was divorced from first husband in 86. I had married 1t 19 and stupid. I was in love with love. With my teddybear (hubby) it was totally different. He was the love of my life, and my soulmate. I don't know how to go on without him. How do you survive losing that one person that is everything to you? I was use to him being home every day when I got home from work because he couldn't work. He was on disability. I would have preferred God take me, or at the very least, take us both together. I don't want to start all over. I never wanted to grow old alone. I always thought/prayed that my teddybear would be around to grow old with, that he would get a liver transplant and be ok. I didn't get my prayers answered the way I wanted. I'm still here and he is gone. What do I do now? I don't know anyone else going through the same thing. So how can anyone else understand the pain!

[Guest Guest]

teddysgal, I am very sorry to hear of your loss, My husband passed away on January 27,2006. We would have been married 19 years on June 5th. I last saw my husband at 2:42am that morning, when I got up at 6am to get the kids off to school and I to work, I found him Laying on the bed sideways, they said that he had a heart attack and went in his sleep, I only pray that that was the way it happened. He was the love of my life, we married the day I graduated high school in 1987. I have 2 great kids, Chad is going to be 18 in June and Hayley will be 13 in June. If it was not for my kids I don't know what I would do or have done in the past 3 months, they are my life and keep me going. I would love to talk somemore to you and others that understand what we are going through. michelle1969

[michelle1969]

teddysgal, I am very sorry to hear of your loss, My husband passed away on January 27,2006. We would have been married 19 years on June 5th. I last saw my husband at 2:42am that morning, when I got up at 6am to get the kids off to school and I to work, I found him Laying on the bed sideways, they said that he had a heart attack and went in his sleep, I only pray that that was the way it happened. He was the love of my life, we married the day I graduated high school in 1987. I have 2 great kids, Chad is going to be 18 in June and Hayley will be 13 in June. If it was not for my kids I don't know what I would do or have done in the past 3 months, they are my life and keep me going. I would love to talk somemore to you and others that understand what we are going through. michelle1969

[johngee]

I have posted in other places on this site, but have not posted in this discussion yet. How recent is recent enough to post here?

My wife, Lore, passed away unexpectedly on March 1, 2006; barely three months ago. Over these three months I have had a tremendous amount of support from blood family, church family, friends, my employer and co-workers. All have been a great deal of help in putting something of a life back together. Some are sensitive to the nature of my loss and go a long way in giving emotional support, as well. I am grateful for these people.

God keeps me safe. He provides for the needs of my family, as well as my needs. Recalling “Footsteps”, I know there is only one set right now. They are God's because I’m not able to walk through this without His help. I am grateful for His faithfulness.

Sometimes, despite this love and support, I still hurt. I still miss my beloved wife. I am still angry and wonder, “Why did you let my wife be taken”? When I go somewhere, I feel her absence. When I leave to come home, I feel as if I have left her behind. And when I return home, I feel an indescribable vast emptiness. My loss is still recent enough that it seems as if these feelings will never change. I miss Lore.

[tfk80305]

I lost my beloved husband 3 weeks ago to a sudden heart attack. I feel so lost and alone....I don't know which way to turn. I just miss him so much and wonder how I will go on without him. Everything reminds me of him and the times we spent together. We were married less than a year and already I'm a widow and having to face life on my own.

[starchild]

Good Afternoon Everyone. Even though Stanley passed away this past January, I still consider myself an recent loser. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

TFK: I'm so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. So much identification. I too am a widowed bride and to say this sucks doesn't begin to cover what I have gone through in the last 5 months. Stanley had a heart attack also. A big, strong man only 48. He was on his way to work and the bus driver found his body at the end of the route. We would have been married a year in July. He had waited all these years to get married and I felt so honored to be his wife. We're supposed to be preparing for our 1st anniversary. Making plans that would represent how blessed we were to have found each other. Instead I had to bury him and I'm all torn up inside. Nothing will ever be the same. I still find it hard not to catch resentments about everything, anything. I know how much you're hurting right now and all I can suggest is that you be good to yourself. Grieving is a rough journey and it's going to take alot out of you. It's essential that you nourish your health and your spirit. And don't hestitate to come here to share about what's going on with you. Lots of strong shoulders to lean on. Again my prayers for you and yours. Take care of yourself and have a blessed day

[tfk80305]

Thank you for the reply Starchild. Reaching out to others has become my lifeline. I am still in such a state of shock, but am finally accepting the fact that he is gone. The first 3 weeks were spent in denial. I just spend so much time wishing that I could have gone with him, but he always told me we won't go one minute before we are supposed to, and so evidently my time is not up. My prayers are with you as you near your anniversary.

[teddysgal]

Hi everyone. It has been a little over 11 weeks since my Rick passed from complications from Hep C. I have gotten through our 7th anniversary without him. It was rough, but got got through it. It has helped talking to friends through email that I have met on the grief messages boards. I have been emailing people all over including New Zealand. It helps to talk to others that know what I'm going through, which is why this board is so helpful. My family doctor asked my if I needed to be referred to someone to talk, but I said no I have my friends on the board and through email, and when I'm ready I will go to the Hospice group counseling. On the website that I created for Rick at https://rickey-gay@last-memories.com, a video has been added. Please check it out and let me know what you think. It is the one dated 13 Jun 06 (that is the updated version). The kind people at last-memories.com made it for me for no charge. They do it for anyone that has a site there. They are really kind and caring people. You can't beat the price of only $25 for a lifetime, permanent memorial to a loved one. I can visit the site everyday and I do. I get a good cry and that helps, too. It may not be for everyone, but it works for me. I hope everyone finds there own way to deal with their loss, because it really is a personal thing and no ones loss is the same. Everyone deals with their grief differently, and no way is wrong. Every emotion you feel is ok and you have a right to it. So scream, cry, curse, get mad at your loved one, get mad at God even. God understands and he can handle your anger. He understands it. You have a right to deal with your loss any way you see fit and don't let anyone tell you how to grief. The grief is yours, not theirs. I hope everyone finds some comfort from this board and from talking to others that are going through this horrible injustice of losing our loved ones. If anyone wants to email me, they are welcome.

I also purchased the DVD: Journey's Project "The Challenge of Grief". That is a pretty good DVD. It has a lot of usefulness and stories from other people going through what we are including a special section for those that have lost loves through suicide. The website for ordering is: http://www.journeysproject.com/MoreDVDFeatures.htm. Hope it helps someone else. It is just another tool in the griefing process. I am trying everything I can to deal with this horrific and unfair loss of my beloved husband.

My email address is: ibtrue@knology.net if you want to talk to me, I'll listen. I will try and email you back as quickly as I can. Take care and God Bless everyone.

Deidra

[Guest Guest]

My husband just passed away on June 1 at 1:04pm from lung cancer (he didn't smoke) diagnosed in May. My grandmother lost my grandfather in 1946 and she didn't die until 1976, thirty years later. I never thought much about that when I was a child but now I think how long she was without him and it frightens me. I don't think I can do 30 more minutes let alone 30 years. I am still at the frightened, hysterical, depressed stage, but I can tell you now, I don't want to have 30 more years of this. My aunt lived to be 108, she outlived her husband by 48 years! I used to think that was "interesting". What a fool I was. I want my husband back.

Suzie

[jcruzgirl]

Suzy,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance' on 11/12/2005 and I can understand and relate to your not wanting to think about another 30 or more years without your husband. I felt the exact same way for a long while after my James died. I had to rethink my thought process and came to this conclusion. I have to and can only live for today, for tomorrow may never come. I know that it may not sound like something you are able to do, believe me I struggled with it myself. I miss James every day and I cry for him every night. I HATE crawling into my bed all by myself, but I do it. I pray for God to take me so that James and I can be together again, but I am still here. I know how hard it is and that life feels so long now. But if you can try to rethink your thoughts and live one day at a time, you will find that it is much easier to handle. I know that when I think about my future and how long I could be here and having to life it without my soul-mate, I get overwhelmed and depressed and can't do anything except to cry. It is a lot easier to not think about tomorrow. I didn't say that I never think about tomorrow, but it is easier not to.

I pray that you find the peace you are looking for. Keep on coming back here there are so many wonderful people that have been through this too and they understand the feelings you are going through.

Peace and hugs,

Trish

[darleams]

My husband passed 3 weeks ago. I have nevre felt so lost in my life. My stepchildren were extremely offendsive to me. they have ruined my relationship with my husbands mother. We did not see them for 5years and they showed up at the death bed ranting and raving. They could not see that this was my husband. They inflicted extreme stress on the situation.

Now it continues.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Darleams, I am so deeply sorry your husband is no longer with you. I'm sorry the situation was also so stressful for him, his children, and you. When a person dies, we all bring our emotions and circumstances to the situation, and sometimes, one or more of us believes our set of feelings or circumstances are most important in the family. At this point, queue the stress and conflict. Unfortunately for you, your husband's children brought his paternity to the setting. Perhaps the intention was to use this as leverage to increase their "status" in their relationship with their father, but I have no way of knowing. I saw this happen before, and could only "assume" it could happen again. To do this would most certainly make you worse, and in a defensive state as his wife. Rightly you should be this way. If I may be so bold, would you be willing to tell the age range of his children, generally? The reason I ask is, teenagers have a tendency to release their grief through outburts of rage and hostility, not in crying and weeping. This is because of the topsy turvy nature of their hormones and puberty. Young adults may tend to act in a similar way only because they have yet to relearn a socially appropriate way of grieving. I hope for you this increased stress is now declining, so you may release your own feelings of sorrow without such stresses. I'm glad you found BeyondIndigo, a place we can share our feelings and ideas, offer hope and compassion. We're here for each other.

[darleams]

My husband"s daughter's are in their 30's. Slowly I want to forgive them. Certainly my husband really did not interact with them. He seized until death and of course I signed the DNR and sent him to hospice the day they decide to show up.

Both girls told me they hated me and continued to lie to the nurses station.

Of course.I was the ugly stepmother. 3 days the hospital denied me the right to stop this. My power of attourney papers were not valid in this situation.

By the time they left, my husband and I had time stolen that could have been beautiful.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I'm sorry they were thinking of themselves, not of the whole family, in this moment. You may be the stepmom, but your place in the family has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with the love you and your husband shared through your time together in this life. I am sorry you lost your husband after his physical battle and after your emotional one too. Please feel welcome to talk. By talking, we can often get ahold of our emotions and grief, and then by sorting everything out, set out into life's journey stronger and more self-reliant. May you have the peace you need for the day.

[angelwings56]

I have been posting on here since my parents died. I didn't think I could feel any more pain then I was feeling. I miss them so much. Yesterday I realized I was wrong. My husband passed away after a month of excruciating pain. This time I feel like I will never get over this overwhelming sadness. He didn't feel well on May 24th (Our son's 15th birthday). He went to urgent care and they sent him to the hospital and said he was dehydrated. He was there 3 days and I had him sent to another hospital 50 miles away. He was in remission 14 years from cancer. The day he got to the other hospital, he was diagnosed with Leukemia. He had to have emergency surgery last week and the infection he got after went through his body so fast. He was in so much pain at the end. I think that is what upsets me the most. I stood there holding his hand all day yesterday until he passed. I can't believe he is gone. I am so worried about my son. He has yet to really cry. He is trying to be so brave and I know he is hurting so bad inside. Today everything reminded us of him. We even went to a restaurant that the 3 of us didn't go to to try to get away from from this awful feeling and the music that was playing was his favorite songs. I know things will get better but it's so hard to see that far ahead. We had so many plans. The day before he died, he pointed to the ceiling and smiled he then pointed next to me and told me that my dad was there. That brought us great comfort. He was so close to my dad. The day he died he was put on a respirator and he tried so hard to tell me something and I tried so hard to understand him but couldn't. I would give anything to know what he wanted to tell me. Thanks for listening.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Angelwings56, please accept my most heart felt sympathy and know that I'm so deeply sorry you lost your dear husband. Children grieve so vastly different from us adults. They may bottle up their feelings, not knowing what to do, or how to react, until everything comes rushing out like an uncontrollable flood. Your son may act unusually quiet for a while, which can be the "calm before the storm",then you'll see him burst into anger, rage, torrents of crying, and a plethora of emotions most of us never think to see in a child. Teenagers are especially vulnerable to such, mostly because of the higher levels of hormones brought about by puberty. If you can get him to begin talking with a counselor now, when the time for his feelings to erupt happens, he'll be in better control, and you'll have more peace too. My prayers are with you, and we are always here to talk anytime. May you be comforted through this time of deep sorrow.

[Guest Guest]

I just found your site. I too JUST lost my husband/soulmate/best friend. June 5, 2006 at 3am I found him at this desk laying back in his chair. Dead of a heart attack. I just woke up and wondered why he wasn't in bed and came downstairs and found him. I screamed and shook him and then gathered my senses and called 911. I thought maybe he was ok, that this was absolutely way too horrible to happen to me, but of course it did. I don't know how I didn't die right there with him, the pain was so great. It still is. Everyont thinks that "things should be getting better now", I am so sick of that! I too cannot imagine living another 20 yeazrs let alone 20 SECONDS with out him. This is so horrible and I can't stand the pain and isolation anymore. I wish every minute of every day that I could just die too. Yes, there are people here trying to support me, but no one can put back my other half for me. I am incomplete now. I will never be the same. I am so glad I found this site, because if I have to be here, I might as well try something. I don't call what I have a life anymore, I'm just getting by until God decides to release me from this absolute and utter hell I am going thru.

Thank you for listening

[peter1]

Surviving a Heart Attack (just read)

This one is definitely worth your minute: I suffered a heart attack recently and I did one thing that brought almost immediate relief.

With all my strength I tried to stretch my body and overcome the bending position one is forced to when suffering a heart attack.

I put myself in supine position, put my STRETCHED ARMS TO THE SIDES at slightly greater tha right angle and stopped tossing and turning and moving my fingers, which I thought was the best way to REDUCE ADRENALINE – the main culprit of a HA. I felt almost immediate improvement in the depth of my breath, the pain the muscle cramp started receding. After 15 minutes I was able to stand up.

Putting arms to the sides looks to make the chest and muscles inside it expand and that streches the cramped heart muscle (like soccer players stretch their cramped calf by bending the foot to the maximum, just raise your arms above the head level and you can see it does make the chest expand). Staying totally motionless seems to induce a state of maximum relaxation of the body (which reduces adrenaline.) and muscles (including the heart muscle).

Please try using this technique when facing death. It can really help you and your relatives survive a heart attack.

Greetings

Andrew

[Guest Guest]

I am lost!

What do I do now my wife of 27 years has gone?

She was ill (Parkinsons) we both agreed it was going to end this way, taking one's own life, but she did it on the spur of the moment, not as we had planned, not as we had agreed.

I'm not angry, I'm not suicidal, but I am confused, and feel so alone,my best mate has gone, but I still can't belive it!!!!!

[wordscanhelp]

Dear All, The feelings of pain and despair after the loss of a loved one can be helped by understanding that you are not alone.

The answer is not a secret, but, we don't know the answer because we have never had to ask the question before.

Pills and potions from your medical practitioner only push these problems away on a temporary basis, and there has to be another way.

Bereavment of a loved one must be experienced before we understand the problems that follow, and for this reason, we, the bereaved, must help one another.

There is a web site, www.wordscanhelp.co.uk a non commercial, anonymous site that has no advertisements and there is nothing to sell or buy, it is neither "for" or "against" anything but, I hope, helps to explain that you are not alone, that you are similar to many others with the agony of your loss.

In the ideal world, every family member and every friend would visit the site to help in the understanding of the feelings of the bereaved person, and understanding, is what is required at this time.

As the author of this site I hope that through your message board I can make contact with many people that I am sure the web site will help.

With love to all, Trevor

[dvjvitale]

I just found your site. I too JUST lost my husband/soulmate/best friend. June 5, 2006 at 3am I found him at this desk laying back in his chair. Dead of a heart attack. I just woke up and wondered why he wasn't in bed and came downstairs and found him. I screamed and shook him and then gathered my senses and called 911. I thought maybe he was ok, that this was absolutely way too horrible to happen to me, but of course it did. I don't know how I didn't die right there with him, the pain was so great. It still is. Everyont thinks that "things should be getting better now", I am so sick of that! I too cannot imagine living another 20 yeazrs let alone 20 SECONDS with out him. This is so horrible and I can't stand the pain and isolation anymore. I wish every minute of every day that I could just die too. Yes, there are people here trying to support me, but no one can put back my other half for me. I am incomplete now. I will never be the same. I am so glad I found this site, because if I have to be here, I might as well try something. I don't call what I have a life anymore, I'm just getting by until God decides to release me from this absolute and utter hell I am going thru.

Thank you for listening

[Guest Guest]

I just lost my husband on June 14th 2006, a day before our 7 year olds birthday, and 1 week before our 3 year olds birthday. I am unsure if I believe that he is gone yet, I keep telling myself that he is "just out of town for awhile". My husband was killed at work, he was suffocated by tons of grain in a grain silo that he was working in. I used to strongly believe that everything happened for a reason, now I don't know. Why would God take him from me and our two boys at such a young age? Scott was 36, and I am 27. I shouldn't be a widow at the age of 27! As I set here and type this, I am mad, so mad! All I want is for him to come home. I pray every night that God will bring him back to me. I am finding things in my life becoming harder than easier. I want this all to be a bad dream!! I just finished cleaning out our home that we shared together, I can't take our kids back there, and I don't think I could live there without him, closing the door for the last time was one of the hardest things I has done in the last month. I felt like I was leaving him behind. Not an hour goes by that I don't think of him, or something we used to do together. I just went back to work last week, that too was hard, no one knows what to say to me, they look at me like I am a stranger. Everyday that I work, I have to see where he was killed everytime I get to town and leave town. He was my best friend and I miss him soooo much. Thanks for listening. Meghann

[Guest Guest]

I lost my husband Rod on 7/7/06 from lung complications of chemo. He had been ill for 5 years but his death was still a shock as he always managed to pull himself back. I miss him terribly and most days just wish I could have gone with him. Stepkids with anger issues have complicated things. Tomorrow would have been our anniversary and my birthday is next weekend. Sad days. As I read these posts, I know I'm not alone. I'm glad I found this board.

[joannee]

joannee

I lost my husband Dick after 37 years of marriage while vacationing in the Southwest. He had just retired May 19, and had a lot of plans for his retirement. One of which was to take a trip of a lifetime out west. He always wanted to see the Grand Canyon and Old Faithful. He never got to see them. We were five days into our two week tour when he suffered a massive stroke at Mommoth Springs, Yellowstone, Wyoming. There was no hospital near by that could accmodate his type of illness. He needed to be flown to Idaho Falls.

The helicopter had to come from Idaho Falls to where we were. He lost more than three hours of time just getting to the hospital. I could not go with him, and I had to find a way to get to him. It wasn't until 10 hours later that I could get there. My husband of 37 years was alone all that time. I feel so guilty. We were in no mans land. On June 7th my husband died. I have been a wreck ever since. My emotions are all over the place. I have been reading about all of you that have written to this site. It has been helpful to know that what I am feeling is normal for a lack of a better word.

[rodless]

Hi Joannee,

I am so sorry for your loss. I love that part of the country but I can imagine that it is not one that would have ready medical help. The uneasiness of being in an unfamiliar place must have been devasting along with not knowing what was going on. I made a drive once after my husband was helicoptered to a hospital 60 miles away and it was very stressful even though I knew where I was going, not knowing what I would find when I got there.

I hope you stay in contact here and on the "I miss him so" forum. I've made it through the first month and know I have many tears and bad times left, but this site helps when I'm really down. I often go back through past posts and like you, at least feel "normal" with my ups and downs.

Take care. Mary Jo

[justamom]

Hi there, I can't believe that I just discovered this site! My husband was killed in a car accident on January 15, 2006 (Our oldest sons 9th birthday.) I was in the car with him and he died right in front of me. I held his best friend because I couldn't get to him. He was trapped in the car for a long time. My boys went back to school today and it has been a very hard day. For the first time in nine years I have the whole day to myself. We had such big plans. I was going to help him with our business. Now I just don't have any plans at all. There is alot of "police" stuff going on that I just don't have the energy to deal with. (The 16 year old that hit us had been at a huge barn party where adults were there, drinking with them and he was intoxicated as well.)I just don't know how I am going to deal with all of this thinking time. My head is not the friendliest place these days. I appreciate the opportunity to chat with people who are in the ssame boat as me. Thank you. Lisa

[rodless]

Hi Lisa,

I was so sorry to read your story. Please accept my sympathy for what you have been through. This site will be of help for you. I lost my husband Rod on 7/7/06. I know what you mean about too much thinking time. Weekends are like that for me. My kids are grown and the dog just doesn't always fill the space. I keep 2-3 books on loss stashed and grabbing one of those and reading a few pages does seem to help. All of those who post here will be of help as you go through this horrible experience. God bless!

Mary Jo

[joannee]

Dear Mary Jo

It really had been too hard since I lost my husband. I go to a counsler but I don't know if that really helps me. Our wedding anniversary is the 17th of this month. We would have been married 38 years. I really thought we would grow old together. Our children are also grown and married. We have five grandchildren. They have been of great comfort to me even though they miss their father terribly. My grandchildren are the light of my life. I try to see them several times a week. I do not work right now, but I know I have to to something to fill these lonely times, I cannot depend on my children forever. I need to get involved with the outside world. I appreciate your reply to my posting. I pray that you will be able to find peace also in this most difficult part of our lives.

Joannee

[rodless]

Joannee,

I lost my husband 7/7 and our anniversary was 7/30. I got through the day by spending it with my mom and daughter but it was tough. We were only married (almost) 13 years - a second marriage - but they were wonderful ones as we each had a rocky run the first time. So we did not experience our youth or having children together. That must be worse to bear. Rod was 15 yrs. older than I (71) so I knew we would probably never have retirement years together as I work fulltime, but I was certainly hoping for more time than we had. I try to be very grateful that I found out what a good marriage and a true soulmate could be like, but I still have a deep hole inside me.

I was walking the dog tonight under a beautiful starry sky and wondering if I will ever truly be able to enjoy something like that again. Everything hurts when you can't share it with the one you've loved. I felt much the same after my divorce 23 yrs. ago so I know the joy can come back but it looks like a long long road right now.

I understand your sorrow and hope that day by day it eases a little. Please try to find a friend you can talk to face to face. I find that has been helpful. And stay in touch here!

Mary Jo

[justamom]

Hi MaryJo, Thank you so much for your response and your sympathy. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I barely remember the first couple of months after the accident. I have to tell you that I think that you are amazing for being on this site and offering support to other people. It has been 7 months this week for me and I finally can wrap my head around myself for a little bit. I too am in therapy, I have "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" from the trauma of the accident and it manifests itself into anxiety attacks. My therapist is great. She has really helped me through a lot of bad moments. One thing that I have figured out is that time doesn't work the way that it used too. Some days fly by and you have no idea what you have done. Consequently months will also do the same thing. And then sometimes time stops and you feel like you are right back to the day that it happened and nothing has changed or gotten better. I don't really know how to explain it. I do know that you have to make yourself go out and do sometimes. It was easier for me because I didn't have a choice - my two boys still had "stuff" that needed to be done. So I did and sometimes it really did make me feel better. If nothing else I thought about something else for a while. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Lisa

[rodless]

Lisa,I think I'm out on this board offering support because I need so much myself. I had time to realize that my husband was not going to make it. He'd been sick (non hodgkins lymphoma) for the past 4 years. We had some good times but lots of doctor, hospital stuff. He had been in the hospital 7 weeks before he died. I remember on the 16th lying in bed and thinking that he had not been there with me for 3 months. Hope you are doing okay and will keep you in my prayers.

This was a rough weekend. Had a really good time with friends on a Saturday shopping expedition and then came home to an empty house, wanting to tell him about my day and the things I found. Just lost it completely. I tend to go for 4-5 days and be pretty good and then when the crying starts it lasts a few hours and makes me physically sick. What a way to live. I keep clinging to something I read that said you have to go THROUGH the grief, can't go over, under or around it or it will come back and whack you even harder later. So I guess I'll just have to get through it. This is hard enough!

Joannee, how are you doing?

Mary Jo

[justamom]

Hi MaryJo, I often have the same issues with having a "good time". It doesn''t matter what I am doing or how fun it is - at some point it always occurs to me that it is going to be over and I have to go home to my house and my life. My husband was always waiting up for me when I got home from a concert, bunco, girls night whatever, he would be waiting for me to hear all about how it was. It is a constant reminder that he is gone. I also feel really inadequate around large groups of people. They often talk about such trivial things and I am sure that I used to talk about the same things but now I just can't muster the energy to participate or to tell them that it just doesn't matter. I think of you often. Hang in there. Lisa

p.s. My therapist says the same thing - walk through the process . Don't let it sneak up on you in a year in the grocery store.

[rodless]

Lisa, Isn't it funny how people just go on around us with normal lives? I have been guilty of doing that too many times when friends lost loved ones. That is one lesson I've learned - take the time and ask sincere questions. I work in a public library so I see people all day long. Somedays that's great, somedays it's awful. Thanks for the uplift. I hope your week is going okay and there will be some peaceful times. I treasure those moments when I feel strong because I know they will be more frequent (I hope) as the months pass. There will always be set backs, but hope of a calmer spirit keeps me going. Take care. Mary Jo

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone..I am new and just lost my husband 4 weeks ago (Aug. 13). He had struggled with Lou Gehrig's disease for 2 years and died at our home in his sleep. I lost my mother April-05, my mother-in-law in July-05, my dad in Sept-05, and now my husband. How do you all get through the holidays?

-queendot-

[Guest Guest]

Hi,

I am very new at this and don't really even know how to start. I guess I will just tell you my story. My boyfriend of 4 years passed away in May at the age of 27yrs. He battled cancer for only 10 months before IT won. Since then I have felt completly lost and empty and don't really know what to do next. He was my whole life and while he was sick I was by his side 24/7. Everyone around me seems to be moving on and I just feel like I need someone to talk to who knows how I'm feeling. I don't feel like anyone else understands how hard this is and I'm hoping maybe someone here can help me.

Amanda

[rodless]

Amanda and Queendot... I lost my husband in July after a battle with cancer so I understand where you're at. I wish I had some great words of inspiration but all I can tell you is to lean on your family, friends and faith. Don't be afraid to let go and cry... screaming in the car is a good outlet. Also stay in contact here as it is a wonderful way to vent and be understood. I have not hit the holidays but I think sometimes it is not the big things, it's the little stuff that surprises you that hurts the most. My anniversary was 2 weeks after Rod died and I was really dreading it. I got through it fine and then was blindsided a couple of days later by a song on the radio while I was in a store. Wishing you both well on the journey none of want to take. Mary Jo

[lauraa]

Amanda,

I feel exactly the same as you do...It has been 28 months since my husband passed away. I feel so alone in this world. It hurts so badly because everyone has moved on and I honestly can't say it just happened but early on like you it seemed they all forgot. Even my friends, family and neighbors...no-one asks me about it or how I am.....I think everyone thinks we are busy or overwhelmed but they don't realize that no-one calls, ever.......it has been a real eye opener for me and my husband and I were the givers, always......it hurts and it is so, so lonely. Please keep writing and we will all help you get thru this. It is a long road truthfully. I hate cancer and all diseases.....In the beginning I couldn't sleep at all and then I tried to get a good night sleep no matter how, so I took benadyl. Looking back I probally should have gone right to a specialist for the proper medication as I think it really could of helped. This whole thing throws us into a tizzy or Post Traumatic Stress and we get all messed up....focus on staying in the moment and at that time think of your husband (I know you were not married but in your hearts, you were)....so he was your husband...think of him is the post peaceful place without pain and suffering....that is what I do and it helps and I pray we will be together again someday. I also ask him to guide me in all I do and to stay with me. I am so sorry you had to go thru this horrible ordeal....and the 24/7 thing, I know! Bless you and I will pray for you.

Sincerely!

[Guest Guest]

i lost my fiance on 16th august 2006. we'd been together for 4 years and planned to marry next year. he died from acute liver failure caused by an adverse reaction to a medication he was on. he was taken into hospital but deteriorated so he was airlifted to a hospital 150 miles away with better facilties for his condition. after 5 days they told me there was nothing else they could do for him. they turned off all the drugs keeping him alive and he died an hour later with me and his mum holding his hands. it was peaceful and i know he didn't suffer but i feel so empty but angry because he left me. he was only 40 and i miss him so much. it's like my whole world has fallen apart. its only the kids that keep me going.

[pharmpig]

I ALSO HAVE HAD A RECENT LOSS. MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY 8-21-06 AT THE AGE OF 51. HE HAD A BAD LIVER AND HAD BEEN ON A LIVER TRANSPLANT LIST FOR 6 YEARS. THEY TRACED THE LIVER DISEASE BACK TO THE AGE OF 6 SO HE FOUGHT A LOT OF YEARS TO STAY ALIVE. WHEN HE DEVELOPED PULMONARY HYPERTENSION AND WAS TOLD HE HAD TO HAVE A LUNG AND A LIVER, HE TOOK HIMSELF OFF THE LIST AND WE MOVED FROM NEW JERSEY TO TEXAS. WE HAD ONLY BEEN HERE SINCE JULY 8, 2006. HE NEVER LET HIS ILLNESS GET HIM DOWN. HE WAS NOT BEDRIDDEN. HOWEVER, AFTER WE MOVED HERE, HE WENT IN TO THE HOSPITAL FOR 10 DAYS. THEY FOUND A HOLE IN HIS HEART, LUNG CANCER, (HE DIDN'T SMOKE OR DRINK),BLOOD CLOTS, AND THE PULMONARY HYPERTENSION WAS WORSE. HE ALSO HAD DIABETES. EVEN THOUGH HE FELT VERY BAD TOWARD THE END, HE KEPT GOING AND HAD THE GREATEST ATTITUDE. HE LOVED GOD AND TOLD ME THE DAY HE DIED IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED NOT TO GIVE UP MY FAITH. HE SAID HE WAS A CHRISTIAN AND WAS GOING TO HEAVEN. HE WAS A WONDERFUL SINGER AND I HAVE BEEN PLAYING TAPES HE MADE OVER AND OVER. HIS DEAR FRIEND IN NEW JERSEY WROTE A SONG FOR HIM A FEW DAYS AFTER HE DIED AND I JUST RECEIVED THAT TAPE TODAY. IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. THE FRIEND ALSO PUT SOME MORE SONGS ON THERE WHERE THE TWO OF THEM SUNG TOGETHER. I HAVE PLAYED THE TAPE ALL AFTERNOON. I JUST WISH I COULD HAVE HAD A LITTLE MORE TIME WITH HIM. I WAS HOME ALONE WITH HIM THE NIGHT HE DIED AND IT WAS SO TRAUMATIC, I WILL NEVER FORGET IT. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE "SPECIAL BLESSINGS" EVERY DAY, I STILL MISS HIM SO MUCH. I MISS HIS LOVING WAYS, HIS SINGING, THE POEMS, AND ALL THE HELP HE GAVE ME. SINCE HE HAD GONE TO THE HOSPITAL MANY TIMES AND HAD ALWAYS COME OUT FEELING O.K. I STILL THINK I AM EXPECTING HIM TO CALL OR COME HOME. I JUST CAN'T CONCENTRATE SOMETIMES. HE WAS MY SOUL MATE. I AM HURTING SO BAD BECAUSE I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I KNOW HE IS WITH GOD AND NOT HURTING ANYMORE, BUT I JUST WANT TO TELL HIM I LOVE HIM ONE MORE TIME AND HEAR HIM SAY IT. I AM TRYING TO FIND A JOB AND I JUST ASK HIM AND GOD EVERYDAY TO HELP ME FIND THE JOB I NEED TO PAY THE BILLS. BECAUSE OF HIS HEALTH, THERE WAS NO INSURANCE AND I HAVE NOTHING COMING IN UNTIL I GET A JOB. I KNOW I AM RATTLING ON AND ON, BUT THIS IS SO HARD. A FEW YEARS BACK, I ALSO LOST A SON BECAUSE OF A DRUNK DRIVER AND A GRANDSON BECAUSE A 16 YEAR OLD WAS SPEEDING. MY GRANDSON SAVED 4 PEOPLE'S LIVES WITH THE ORGANS THAT WAS DONATED. I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN OVER THOSE DEATHS AND NOW THIS. I HAVE A GRIEVANCE COUNSELOR THAT COMES EVERY MONDAY FROM HOSPICE AND SHE HELPS A LOT. IN FACT, SHE WAS THE ONE WHO GAVE ME THIS SITE. IF ANYONE READS THIS, JUST PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR ME. AS USUAL IT IS VERY LATE AT NIGHT, AND I AM STILL AWAKE.

[pharmpig]

i lost my fiance on 16th august 2006. we'd been together for 4 years and planned to marry next year. he died from acute liver failure caused by an adverse reaction to a medication he was on. he was taken into hospital but deteriorated so he was airlifted to a hospital 150 miles away with better facilties for his condition. after 5 days they told me there was nothing else they could do for him. they turned off all the drugs keeping him alive and he died an hour later with me and his mum holding his hands. it was peaceful and i know he didn't suffer but i feel so empty but angry because he left me. he was only 40 and i miss him so much. it's like my whole world has fallen apart. its only the kids that keep me going.

[pharmpig]

I AM NEW TO THIS. I WAS TRYING TO REPLY TO GUEST ABOUT THE FIANCE AND SOMEHOW MY NAME GOT ON YOUR DISCUSSION. I AM SO SORRY I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET IT OFF. I AM ALSO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. I KNOW HOW HURT YOU ARE. IF YOU CAN GET MY NAME OFF YOUR DISCUSSION, PLEASE DO SO.

[rodless]

Pharmpig, Why don't you stay with the discussion board? It really helps. I lost my husband 7/7 after a 4 yr. battle with non-hodgkins complicated by pulmonary fibrosis as a result of chemo. I can echo everything you said about missing him, knowing he's well but wishing I could say I love you once more time and hear it back. I also was alone with him when he died under the care of Hospice. Take care of yourself and let us all help you. Mary Jo

[jpshad]

I lost my husband of 22 years on 8-4-06 from drugs. I still feel like I'm in a fog. There are so many unanswered questions that will never be answered. I feel lost and empty. Our relationship was not good at the end because he was using pretty much every day. He was only supposed to find a little dope to get into a detox again. Three weeks previous he was in detox and I would not let him come home so he went to a sober house. He had been losing weight and was very thin when he went into detox, but after the sober house he lost even more weight. He ended up coming home after 1-1/2 weeks and I was very angry. He went to an AA meeting the first day he came home and his sponser told me that he was pretty sure that Jon was high on pills. Then on Friday, he decided he would go back into detox and try again, but that he had been clean since going in previously. So he was supposed to get only enough to get back in. I never saw him again. I will never forget that phone call. Sometimes I still can not believe that I will never see him again. Everything reminds me of him. This is so hard. I am hoping that getting the autopsy report will give me some closure, but they say it can take up to 12 weeks. I look for anything that will help me - al-anon, grief support group, therapy, meds - and I think reading and sharing on this board will help also.

Joyce