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Recent Loss


pandorra

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shannongaal - first let me say I am sorry for your loss. My 27 y/o daughter died in a one car crash on 10/13/03. She left behind a long time boyfriend. This has been very hard for him to deal with as she was traveling from his home to our house (a 7hr. drive). I keep in touch with both he and his parents and some healing has begun to take place. I think he might have progressed more, but something almost as equally tragic has happened in his life. You should try to find a counselor or a bereavement group, it can be a good support system for you. If you do a bereavement group be prepared as most are for widow/widowers and you don't quite fall into that category. Our daughter's boyfried went to them and I believe he found some support. May you find peace, Lynda

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Shannon, are there friends you can rely on for emotional support, who won't be judgmental about you releasing your feelings your own way? I'm not in favor of you considering a move into your own place at this time for several reasons. You are under emotional distress, and need someone for support. You are in a vulnerable position, which can be seen. My daughter, Stacey, was killed by a rapist. However, is it possible to set up your own housekeeping, like a small refrigerator and microwave in your area or room in your parents' home, so that you can have independence in one more area, preparation of your own food? Doing this small step can also reduce an issue some parents have when an adult child returns home, that is, the apparent "burden" of feeding that child.

I will keep you in thought and prayer. May you have all you need, and find peace for your broken heart. Mark

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ShannonGaal...I'm so sorry to hear of your sudden loss..mine was 8 months ago and I'm still taking one day at a time. It's a long process and you've come to the right place. Talk to anyone who will listen...cry when you need to and be good to yourself.

God bless you...hugs.

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Thank you all so much for your kind words. In turn, I am so sorry to hear about your losses. It's comforting to know that there's a place where people genuinely care about others selflessly. It's easy for me to lose my faith in people, but you are all so kind. I'm praying for you all and your losses as well.

As for me... well, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do from moment to moment. My mom told me that I could stay with her, but only for a few weeks, since she is moving too. My grief feels almost like it's calcified and is sitting like a weight in my chest at all times. I walk around, and go to work and get through the day, but my head is playing a constant movie of my last day with him. I wish it had been me instead. I wish this pain would go away, and I wish I could be with him. At the end of the day, it's just me. And I'm alone.

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ShannonGaal...pace yourself and be prepared for the long haul. The pain is going to be there possibly forever but it's my understanding that it will ease over time...I'm waiting for the easing as well and it's been eight months so don't rush yourself. I started reading about Life After Death and find it very interesting as well as comforting. Everyone is different how they deal with their pain...it's best just to take one day at a time. Hugs and god bless you....Cindi

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Shannongaal, with the current stress you mentioned, maybe you'll be in a better position to heal if you're in your own place. Be patient with yourself as you grieve, because it will be a while. Be proud of each accomplishment, even getting through the rough days.

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christierenee

I am 30 years old with two young children and lost my husband 5 weeks ago today to Leukemia. He died at home in my arms after telling me he loved me.

I miss him so much and some days I just don't want to think.

The thoughts of his painful battle haunt me and then watching him take his last breath takes my breath.

Some days I feel like I am going to pass out from the pain and I cry until my chest hurts.

The kids, Jessica 9 and Brayden who is 2 seem to be doing so well but ME, when will the pain go away, Corey was my best friend for 9 years, he was my everything after God of course, Please pray for healing and peace within my heart. Thank you Christie

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I can so understand what it's like to have young children and trying to help them cope with the loss of their Daddy. I have a 4 yr old daughter and she is taking the loss of my husband very hard. It's only been just over 2 weeks for us. It was very sudden and unexpected and we are still waiting on autopsy report for determination of cause of death. I hope it comes soon..I hate this waiting!

~Sherry

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Dont know where to begin. Lost my wife on July 10 after a long battle with cancer. Most of the calls and visits have stopped and I am starting to feel very lonley. I find myself trying to fill the hours by working, cleaning, anything I can find to keep busy. Sleeping has become a problem and I am having trouble focusing on work. I become sad when I see couples together and it is hard for me to become sociable again. I would like to have companionship but I feel guilty even thinking about it. Is anyone having this problem? Allen.

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atroutfly, I'm sorry for your loss. I haven't even yet lost my wife, who is now in the final stage of dystrophy, but I'm finding that I sometimes don't want to be with my friends, except for the few who are widowed. The feelings you have about companionship are a normal part of the grief. In time, your heart will notice someone you can relate to without these feelings. Also, it's very hard to concentrate when we're grieving, because our thoughts are consumed by the one we lost. If you must, try Benedryl, or ask your doctor for something like Ambien. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Atroutfly...I also am very sorry about your loss. I lost my significant other 8 months ago and I can tell you..at least for me..it's a very long process of grieving. I agree with TinasDad aboutcompanionship being a normal part of grief and I've found that I have to be very selective because most people who have not had a loss have difficulty relating. They expect you to be able to get over it quickly and move on to your future but it just doesn't work like that. Concentrating on work is a bear...I lost my job over not being able to concentrate because of being in sales and my numbers dropped. As far as sleeping...the one thing that helps me is to read..read..and then read somemore. It's funny because I wasn't much of a reader before this experience..

God bless you..

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Hi everyone..I'm kinda new here. I just lost my husband, the love of my life and soulmate on August 1st. It was quick and sudden and I am still waiting for the cause of death to be determined.

I really really hate this waiting. It's driving me crazy. I also have a 4 yr. old little girl who keeps asking me if Daddy can come back home now. She has been told the truth but she still keeps asking. I have had to repress my feelings and dealing with losing my husband so I can be strong for her and be here when she needs me. She starts pre-k soon so hopefully while she's in school I can really start to grieve.? Although I'm affraid if I start I wont be able to stop. UGH!!

My husband was only 34, and he suffered from a lot of migranes , so his family doc thinks it may have been a brain anursymn? But they arent sure yet. I feel as tho I am going crazy and dealing with all the paperwork is very overwhelming right now too.

I MISS HIM!!!!!!

~Sherry

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Shelms2879...I am so sorry to hear of your sudden loss...at 34 who would suspect something as tragic as this. My significant other of 11 years had just turned 50 when he passed suddenly of acute myocarditis and that was 8 1/2 months ago. Be prepared for a long journey and do yourself a favorite by taking one day at a time. I know the cause of death took me over 2 months to receive. It doesn't bring them back but it will bring you some relief. Take care of yourself and your daughter...may God Bless...Hugs...Cindi

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I would like to have companionship but I feel guilty even thinking about it. Is anyone having this problem? Allen.

I lost my husband on August 8. It was very sudden and unexpected. I'm 28, he would have been 33 in a few weeks, and we just celebrated our first anniversary. I am completely gutted by this, he was the love of my life, and our life together was as close to perfect as it can get, despite my being very ill last year. The kind of love we have is very rare, and we both knew it. I've thought from time to time that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I suppose this is normal. I hope someday I'll meet someone, and they'll have to be pretty exceptional to want a relationship with me, when I know my heart will always be with my Adam...

But I think this is normal. And I think he wouldn't want me to be alone forever, and I'm sure, in time, that you'll meet someone, and your late wife would be glad that you've found someone.

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Atroutfly & annecal,

I had not expected to post here again but after reading your posts I feel compelled to do so. My beloved Sharon, whom I lost to cancer will never be replaced. We both decided for ourselves independently, that we would never remarry when one of us survived the other. That said, the need for companionship is real and can be part of the healing process if you meet someone sensitive and with a history of their own.

I went online and met a lady who like me, lives in Texas hill country on a few acres and was looking for someone as a companion. We see each other once or twice a week and enjoy each others company. I have made it a point not to compare her to my wife nor allow her to feel threatened by my loss. I have been sucessful in my ability to stay in the here-and-now when I am not alone. I reflect and still mourn on occasion when alone and have asked myself if I feel guilt. After a moment or two of introspection the answer is no.

The companionship is good for me on many levels. I leave my ridge top more often, I have someone who cares how I am doing health-wise, a travel partner and more. The loneliness is broken and that is a good thing. It no longer matters much that former in-laws and some friends seem to have faded away.

The place in my heart for Sharon is eternal and one day we will be together forever.

The capacity to enjoy others is not limited to one person in a lifetime. Each of us is unique and the human heart can open to another who is different and to be appreciated as such. My new companion is mature and sensitive enough having lost a husband in an accident years ago, to understand with me that we are good for each other yet we are not seeking to find 'true love' again.

I hope this allows you to give yourself permission to resume life. God bless you both and others here who now struggle but can and will take the steps necessary to do so.

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I want to thank all of you for giving me kind words and thoughts. It has almost been 4 weeks since Mike passed away, and, for me, the grief is getting worse, more palpable. I feel like I am sinking in it and I don't know how to escape. My mom tells me I will stop feeling bad as soon as I don't want to feel like this. Who would want to feel like this? I haven't been sleeping. Every time I close my eyes, I have horrific images of him drowning. I am distracted at work, and every time I get behind the wheel of my car, I seem to cry. How do I do this? I don't think anybody can answer that for me beyond "one day at a time", but with each new day the pain worsens. I haven't even taken care of every day responsibilities, like paying the bills. I just can't seem to do anything but sit and think of what happened. I am very lonely, and very hurt, and very scared. How do I fix this?

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Shannongal...the grieving process is long so I wouldn't worry about rushing yourself..it's not as simple as when you don't want to feel like that you won't..believe me. Eight months into "the process" I can only tell you from what I know and that has been that it had been much worse as the months progressed..I'm still hoping for it to take and upward turn..but as of this week it has plateaued which is a good thing. Let yourself feel what you need to feel.

Ranger...thank you for the encouraging words for those of us that feel in limbo and have no idea companion wise what to do next. I tried to date here and there and will go out maybe twice and then I change my mind. I guess the key here is finding someone sensitive to your situation and doesn't try pushing you into too much too soon.

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Thanks Cindi. I needed the afirmation that it's ok to feel like this. My mom told me that if I can't "turn it around", then I must be lost, and there's nothing that can save me. I guess I'm just overwhelmed and don't have anywhere to turn. I don't know what I need. I'm glad you've reached a plateau. I'll be praying that things look up for you from here on out. God bless... Shannon

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alwaysmyjennifer

Shannon, the overwhelming feelings you get may be your subconscious mind facing your grief. I don't agree with your Mom. I see you taking steps to heal. The crying you mentioned when you try to drive is one, and I think your mind is trying to cope with how your fiance died. These feelings will become less in time, and the pain will soften. You will always miss and love him, but you will get through the sad time and see happier days. Mark

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I lost my partner on sept. 3 of this year. I never,ever imagined the pain could be so bad. Even though we were only together for 4 years, I knew Ed almost all my life. He really was part of me. Now I understand what people meant by "I feel like part of me is gone". That's EXACTLY what it feels like. I have trouble being in public because i never know when the tears will start flowing out again. I just want to talk to other people going through this terrible heartbreak.I know I will never be able to replace him and would never want to. I can't imagine ever being able to have another relationship with another man. I don't even want to try. I have no idea what to do now. I can't work, read,visit friends, or anything else. I am never satisfied with whatever I am doing. I just want to stay in his house because that's where I feel closest to him.

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Hi there,

I just wanted to get in touch with you as some of the feelings you are going through are similar to mine.

My fiance Steve died on August 8th, I have had so many mixed feelings. Even though our engagement was out in the open and we had a dream wedding planned for October 2nd, just passed I also feel that I am not respected in my relationship with him as we were not married.

Do you live int he UK?

I just buried my fiance Sean today. thursday morning I woke up at around 4am to find him dead on the floor of the bathroom, i am a nurse and i didn't see any signs and i couldn't bring him back with CPR. Later we found out it was a heart attack, at 34 years old!!! he had only proposed to me the night before., and i think he knew something was going to happen because, he really was not ready for it. The ring was only ordered, he hadn't told his parents and hadn't asked my father. this makes it even harder becasue only him and I know . His father, brother, and sister-in-law are being wonderful, but his mom is awful. i know she is grieving, but they were not that close and the family is strict catholic and Sean was not attending Catholic church,but of course the pomp and circumsance was not spared. Sean had asked me to move in with him almost 3 months ago, I am glad that i was waiting for my lease to expire, because on the day i bury the love of my life they asked for his house key back from me. i was there more times in one week then they have been there since he bought the house almost 2 years ago. I don't know If I am coming or going, and still wait for him to come through my door, or call me to wish me sweet dreams. I never knew that i could hurt so deeply, I feel as if a huge part of me is gone and I have this gaping hole in my chest. My engagement was annouced in an obituary. THAT IS SO WRONG!!! I have so much anger, and if one more person says to me theat they know exactly how I feel because there 100 year old great grandmother passed away I am going to SCREAM!! (not that it doesn't hurt when that happens, but a little more expected) If anyone is going through or has gone through similar situations,I would love to hear from you. I feel so alone in this even though I have a great friend and family base supporting me, they try, but have no clue.
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August 8th, was the same day as my fiance Steve died, he has cancer but died suddenly from a brain tumour we did not know about, hemmoraghed in the car whilst I was driving him to hospital....every moment of that day I will never forget, the week in intensive care, the funeral - it all seems just completely mad and I know that I have not really started to accept in anyway that Steve is dead, just going through the motions. Coping as I do so well in bad situations but I know at some point I will fall and it will take over me...

Even with all of these feelings, I do totally agree with what you are saying,one day we should all have happiness again. Steve was my best friend, sole mate and so much more. I miss him more than anything, a pain I can not explain. We all need time to grieve, time to think and time to laugh, even now so soon after I get days that I can actually laugh. I would not have ever thought that I could do that again but I have to, what choice do we have. We can either stop living (not an option) or hope that one day we will find some peace in this and some new happiness. One thing this has taught me is that life is for living, every moment of every day.

Hope you are having a good day.

Sarah

I would like to have companionship but I feel guilty even thinking about it. Is anyone having this problem? Allen.

I lost my husband on August 8. It was very sudden and unexpected. I'm 28, he would have been 33 in a few weeks, and we just celebrated our first anniversary. I am completely gutted by this, he was the love of my life, and our life together was as close to perfect as it can get, despite my being very ill last year. The kind of love we have is very rare, and we both knew it. I've thought from time to time that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I suppose this is normal. I hope someday I'll meet someone, and they'll have to be pretty exceptional to want a relationship with me, when I know my heart will always be with my Adam...

But I think this is normal. And I think he wouldn't want me to be alone forever, and I'm sure, in time, that you'll meet someone, and your late wife would be glad that you've found someone.

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I feel that maybe, just maybe i have found a place to comfort myself. I have read some of the horribel stories here, and in some weird way it gives me peace to know that other women like myslef are suffering too. Selfishly I felt I suffered alone.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this world. Now I feel more alone than ever. My husband... my Daniel died in a horrible accident. Why did God do this I ask? Then I look at these other posts on this message baord and I ask... How cruel can this life be? Some of us are so weak like me. Others of you are so strong.

The internet for right now seems to be the only place I can find peace. I am too much of a mess to talk to anyone, not even my kids.

For a month now I have spent almost every day on the internet. The only small peace of mind I found was another similar website where I was able to start a memorial for my sweetie Daniel. This "MessagesOf.com" let me create a memorial. But i don't even have any damn digital pictures! Oh god it seems like even the most stupid details make me want to give up alltogether!

When I wake up, I dont have him to roll over onto. When I wake up I don't have him there as my strong support and guide. Sometimes I don't want to wake up anymore.

CC

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Cecilia, when I read your post I had to look twice to see if it was mine. I feel the exact same way when reading other women's heartbreak. In some wierd way i get a feeling of comfort where before i felt so very much alone. I felt no one could possibly feel the about of suffering i am going through. I envy the strong. Before i lost my boyfriend i would have considered myself one of the strong. Now i know different. I unconciously fight sleep. I think because I hate waking up. That starts a whole new day of reality....me alone ....without Ed. I miss him so bad i want to scream.

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I lost my husband 3 weeks ago to stomach cancer he was diagnosed Jan of this year went through 18 weeks treatment chemo. was told the tumour had shrunk by 50 percent after the results he just got weaker and weaker 12 weeks on he passed away in the Hospice .

I cry as I write this letter I feel So cheated and feel I have been giving a lot of false hope.

He was 57 years old we were married 35 years, and I do not think I could ever be cabable of loving anyone again, I feel I now have a terminal illness that cannot be cured that is a broken heart.

I have read some of the stories and it is a relief to know I am not alone.

I cant sleep at night keep thinking he is going to walk in the door and ask me what is wrong and why I am so sad, sometimes I want to believe I am in one awful nightmare and I will waken up one morning and he will be beside me and it would all have been a dream

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Dear Jeanne,

Just read your story and was so moved as I to lossed my husband to cancer 3 weeks ago dont want to live keep crying I dont know if things will ever be the same again I expect not I am 55 years old he was 57

Liz uk]

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Dear Ritarevis- maybe you could post to "miss him" thread?? I went on this just because I clicked on it wrong, so you're right. Recent loss posters are in so much pain..........I'm sorry for all of your losses. I'm just a mom but have come here because I don't want to lose my son-in-law as well as my daughter. Today would have been their 4th wedding anniversary (they were only 27 and 25 at the time of the accident 11/17/2004. I do not know where Bobby is today, he's not answering his cell phone - I'm just SO SAD- and I'm worried about him too. Take Care all of you and again, my condolences. Peace be with you today, Renee

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Hi Aprilsmom, Cindysue, Withani and Allways my jennifer and Mark

I recently talked to you all about my boyfriend Mark who lost his wife in a car accident last April. You all were so kind to me. I have not been on this site for obvious reasons that I can not begin to understand the hurt you all describe which Mark also feels. Mark should be here talking to you all.

I wonder whether I can ask for your advice again?

Mark has decided that he can not be in a relationship with me. Although he loves me he does not have the same love for me as he does for Anna, his wife who died. He feels he wants to confront his issues, begin to like himself again before he can start a relationship.

Obviously I am devestated. He can not say goodbye to me and wants to keep talking to me. I want to let him because I love him so much. I knew our relationship was going to be hard but always believed in the end we would work through it.

Do I let him keep talking to me despite the fact he has said to me 'he does not love me enough to spend the rest of his life with me'? Or do I totally walk away now and move on with my own life?

My fear is I will be there for him and he will meet someone else and I will find it more difficult to move on?

I am sorry to intrude in your own mis-fortunes but feel that you may have a better perspective on this than my friends and family?

Thank you all in advance, Jo, UK

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I think you should keep talking to him. You have been a support for him going through this and I doubt many others know what he has been through as much as you do. He may say he doesn't feel like long term now but he may change when he has pulled through this next step of grief. If not then you have both got a very strong friend who I would have thought you could turn to for anything and they are so valuable to anyone!

Kate

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Dear Elizabeth55,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 8 weeks ago to a sudden heart attack, we'd been together for 30 years, so I can so relate to your pain and longing and thinking that he will just walk through the door again. The night's are the hardest for me, I find myself staying up until I almost drop, then I can collapse into bed...I am not working at the present, so I sleep until I wake up naturally. But I know that's not so healthy either. Anyway, I am so sorry that you lost your husband...I think the people on this board can help us. I've been reading everyone's stories and situations and realize that time will pass, the tears probably do subside a bit, but you will never EVER get over this..if you're lucky you will accept that he is gone at least physically, but he will always love you and be in your heart. Do you have family and friends around to support you? That helps, but even they don't know what you're going through...I've had to educate some of my family. They try to push me to do things I'm not ready to do yet. Please take good care of you, and grieve the way that makes you feel better. I will be praying for you and hopefully you will post again. take good care, Bella50

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Hi everyone,

I've posted to another section of this site but thought I'd post to a few others - there is just so many of us all out there coping with an incredible loss. It is heartbreaking for us all.

My name is Beck and my husband of 3 years Craig died 3 weeks and 2 days ago on 15 November 2005. He was killed in a work accident. He was in a trench which collapsed on him. Craig was only 24, I am 26.

I too feel like I died with Craig, I am empty and dead inside and do not know how I can possibly go on.

I've had a really bad couple of days the last few as the numbness is wearing off and it is all really beginning to hit. But last night I read alot of the messages on this site and realised we are all going through the same thing, having the same feelings, reactions etc. I am drawing strenght from all of you. I was thinking a week at a time, but now am thinking of an hour at a time. It's impossibly hard but i must go on - Craig would want me to.

Be strong all, thank you for letting me share.

Hugs to everyone,

Beck

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My husband died in a car accident 12/05/05 I feel so lost and alone. The greif is more than I can bare my daughter is having a hard time we try to comfort each other but it is hard to make someone else feel better when inside you wished you had died too. Friends tell me to mov on to get over it I say it is too soon it hasn't even been a month yet I have to work to pay the bills yet I do not want o go to work it is a struggle everyday just to get out of the bed. I haven't gotten rid of any of his things yet a few things friends have asked for and I have given them but for the most I can not part with them just yet my daughter and I both sleep with a shirt that has his smell on it it helps us to sleep at night sleep does not come easy. His family did not want a funeral and we were not allowed to view him he had been hurt to badly we let over 60 balloons go as a way of saying good bye and we left one big one go on Christmas day but the loss is great and I don't know if I am strong enough to make it thru this I try to pray but I have no words. Thanks for letting me say this

Chris

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Dear Chris,

Don't let anyone else tell you how to grieve or when you need to move on or to get rid of your husbands things. I lost my fiancee on 11/12/2005 to a drug overdose. I miss him so very much and NO I have not allowed others to tell me when to or how to. I have been going to a Bereavement Group and they told me that should/shouldn't = Guilt... Mine or others. You will know when the time is right to move on or to get rid of his things. I have just started to go through a box of old receipts that James had and the things that he had written information on I kept, as it was his hand writting. I find comfort, for me, in having his pictures around me at all times and I have started a journal to him, about my dreams and just about how I feel for the day. This works for me, but may not work for you.

I know how hard it is. James has 4 children, none by me as I couldn't have any, but they are all grieving as well and in their own ways. I am here for all of them and try to keep in touch, although there are only 2 that I am able to really talk to...

People tell me that everything happens for a reason, I used to believe this firmly, but now I question WHY??? I know how hard this is, but I have found a lot of comfort and friends here that have gone through the same thing(s) and it has helped me as well...

One of the things that I have been told, but don't always want to hear, is to be kind to myself. How can I do this without James??? But I have to for James isn't coming back, and I am finally accepting this fact, but not in the complete... I miss him and cry for him daily. It has only been 6 weeks since he died and I can't imagine going on without him, but I am trying my best. This is all that I can do and if my best isn't good enough, then those are the people that I stay away from, for now...

I don't know if it helped, but these things work for me. I wish you peace and know that this site is a wealth of comfort for a lot people who have gone throw the same things that you will be experiencing.

Take care,

Trish

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Thank you Trish

My mother tells me the same take my time and to be kind to myself it is so very hard going on without him. I am sorry for your loss as well. I cry still and have different eractions from different people. Some say its ok others get mad. I know people do not know the right words for when things like this happen. They mean well but sometimes there words just hurt more. I thank you for you kindness and your advice. I have started a Journal just a few day's ago.I was told too that hings happen for a eason and I must fine the good in it. I can't find the good. I will be ging to greif counseling soon some say it is a waste of time and I will be worse than I am now but I know no other way to help me get pas the depression I am in. Having a child to raise means I must keep going even when I don't want to I just don't feel I have the strenght to do it on my own I thnak you again and will continue to read this site

Chris

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My husband died in a car accident 12/05/05 I feel so lost and alone. The greif is more than I can bare my daughter is having a hard time we try to comfort each other but it is hard to make someone else feel better when inside you wished you had died too. Friends tell me to mov on to get over it I say it is too soon it hasn't even been a month yet I have to work to pay the bills yet I do not want o go to work it is a struggle everyday just to get out of the bed. I haven't gotten rid of any of his things yet a few things friends have asked for and I have given them but for the most I can not part with them just yet my daughter and I both sleep with a shirt that has his smell on it it helps us to sleep at night sleep does not come easy. His family did not want a funeral and we were not allowed to view him he had been hurt to badly we let over 60 balloons go as a way of saying good bye and we left one big one go on Christmas day but the loss is great and I don't know if I am strong enough to make it thru this I try to pray but I have no words. Thanks for letting me say this

Chris

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Chris, My husband died in a car accident 12/29/2005. I have two children 11 and 9. My son is 11 and my daughter is 9. My husband was 34, I am 31. I know your struggle. The only thing that gets me out of bed is the drive my children give me to go on. I wonder most days if I will dye myself from the saddness and grief. Not a day goes by that I don't break down and scream to God "Why am I left here to raise my children alone!" I never wanted to do this alone, I wasn't supposed to. There is no rational to these thoughts though. I did go through my closet this week. I could not bare to walk into my closet each day and see and small all of his clothes. So I did have my children help me to use it as a process of rememberance. I bought 3 huge vaccum seal bags and we went through my husband clothes. My son picked out evey thing that he wanted to keep, or to ware for himself one day. I found that this brought great comfort to my son to know that we prepared his fathers clothes to be stored and keept until the day he could wear them. We put the sealedbags in a tote in the top of my garage. The rest of the clothes, mostly my husbands worn run-about clothes we took to the good will. As hard as it was to do that I can say it was harder on me each day to sit in a closet full of his clothes, hoping to catch the lingering of his smell. Sleep does not come easy for me either right now. Just to lye in our bed each night alone is apainful reminder of the days and nights of snuggling, buring hy head in his chest as we slept. The loss is unbearable at times. I worry about next Christmas, being it was four days after Christmas I worry my children will not want to celebrate Christmas next year as it may be too painful. Pray if you can, sometimes my prayers are no more than speaking audibly to the air in the room as if God or my husband were actually there. My love to you and your daughter, you are im my prayers as I know how badly you need encouragment now. You can reply back if you like and we can exchange e-mail addresses. All my love to you and yours.

Tina

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Dear Tina and All,

You accomplished something huge with going through his clothes. Be proud of yourself for doing that and appreciate how big of a step it was! In the world of baby-steps of grief, you took a giant leap. You did great! I know what ya'll mean about people trying to tell you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc. It's something you just have to do in your own time and in your own way. While there are many similarities in our response to loss, we're still individuals and we have our own unique coping skills. For those who are helped by reading, let me suggest "A Grief Observed" by CS Lewis. It helped me tremendously. You may have seen the movie Shadowlands (Anthony Hopkins and Debra Winger) which is the love story between CS Lewis and his wife, Joy. A Grief Observed is the journal he kept after she died. It's a beautiful tribute to her, and it helped me to realize that we *all* go through some of the same things. Another book that might help you is "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" (about sudden death).

Ya'll take good care and keep sharing with us.

DeeAnn

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Dear Tina and Cris,

I am in the same boat, my husband was killed in a traffic accident 4 months ago. I have 4 children ranging from 22months to 12 years. 1 boy 3 girls.

I know exactly how you feel when you say you were not suppose to do this alone. It seems so unfair.... my husband car was hit by a drunk driver!!!!

We were suppose to raise the kids together and then move on with the rest of our lifes now I don't know what I will do. The kids keep us all busy but if you are like me no matter how busy I am I am still so lonely all the time.

I wonder if the empty feeling will ever fade I know it will never go away.

I do find that writing in a journal does help. I hope to here back from someone, I have tried a few other sites with little response. I will keep you and your families in my prayers.

K

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Dear Feelingempty....

My husband, Eddie, died on February 22, 1998, and I so understand that empty feeling you speak of. We were married for 21 years, but we never had any children, so I can only imagine how frightening that would be to consider raising your children alone. But something I've learned is that it's impossible to try to anticipate how things will go. We get our strength as we need it and not ahead of time.

I think the empty place we feel inside after a partner dies is, in time, replaced with wonderful, cherished memories of the time we spent with the person. After Eddie died, it took a long time for me to be able to embrace those memories. For so long, they made me cry and grieve even more. With time, I realized what I *had not* lost, and that is all the memories. Now, nearly eight years later, they are safely in that place that was once so empty. The memories bring a smile to my face now rather than the tears. It took a long time to get to that point, and it's not an easy journey to get there.

I'm glad you have found these boards, and I hope you will let us know how you're doing. This is a safe place for you to sort out your feelings and vent. We all understand.

Take care...

DeeAnn

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Hello,

I just found this site tonight. I didn't know that such a site existed. Thank you DeeAnn for your kind words. In reading everyone elses stories I have to say that I too have and still am going through the same feelings as everyone here. My sweet husband died March 4, 2006 on his birthday. We thought he had a stomach flu and passed away 5 days later. The ONLY thing that helps me to cope is my belief in life after death and why we are here on earth. Don't get me wrong, I can have a small thought about him and I cry my eyes out. I keep telling myself that he was here for 54 years to complete his learning mission to be a better soul. He was here to teach me many things that I may not have learned if he had never come into my life and I know he will be the first to greet me when my learning is up. I will keep visiting this site for comfort when I need it. God Bless you All and keep you!

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I am having difficulty letting go of negative feelings. I wish I could have talked more with my husband and known what to say. He was nonconfrontational and didn't share his feelings with me. During his illness Sept 9 - Dec 11th, 2005, I was taking care of him, house, 2 teenagers and working. On 3/31, I was told how controlling and how I pushed people away, had them walking on egg shells during the time he was sick and at home. I did the best that I could, didn't want to hurt anyone, and am so alone with all the symptoms of not eating, sleeping, physical pain, and now this, mental torment about what I did and didn't do. I was scared! I was mad! I had no one to turn to for advice! Did anyone have something like this happen to them? I am tired.

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Hi my name is Cindi and I found this wonderful site...I am so happy to find a place that I can relate too! I lost my husband of 27 yrs to a very sudden heart attack 2 months ago, he was only 48 and I am 45 and we were never blessed with children so I feel so alone and the pain is just so unreal and the longing for him to hold me...touch me and kiss me one more time is just too much pain! Everyone says, "it will get easier...time heals all....etc" what are they thinking! I realize since my husband passed away how empty my words truly were to people who had lost loved ones, I have lost grandparents, a niece and nephew,many aunts and uncles and a sister but I truly did not know death until I lost my husband...I thank God that him and I are bothed saved people and that one day we will meet again...it is just going on alone...people say " Life goes on" What life!?! My life was his ever thing has changed, nothing is the same...I am forever changed. Does it get any better? I can depend on people who have experienced this the same as me to tell me the truth...I just can't see it. I am in conciling in hopes it will help me get thru all this, I never would have ever dreamed in my life I would be a widow at 45 and all alone. Please pray for me.

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Sorry to hear of your loss Cindi. Your relationship with your husband was one of uniqueness as you were the only 2 who shared that bond and I can't imagine how hurt you are. In November 2005 I lost my ex husband and father of our 3 children and I hurt. Even though we were divorced and had been for a long time this has changed my life so much. I was not re-married and I have had so many mixed up feelings concerning his death. I try hard not to get negative and down on myself. Take what people say as a grain of salt. I was so over whelmed at first about what people say. Members of my extended family was not there for my children when Daddy died because they said they did't know him. What about the children didn't they think about them. The children knew there Daddy. What about them?

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Hi Cindi and Ladies. I read your post and was touched by it. I could identify with everything that you are experiencing. Just stay here and talk about what you are going through. Believe me you are not alone. My husband Stanley died from a sudden heart attack also. He was riding the bus on his way to work and the bus driver found him at the end of the run. By the time help got to him, it was too late. He was only 48 and we had been married for 5 months. When I was called at work to come, I didn't know at that time he had passed away, and I almost joined him when I got to the hospital and found out he had died. I had just seen him a couple of hours earlier. He was a big, strong, beautiful man. And as far as I knew a healthy one. And that doesn't begin to cover his truly gracious spirit or his generous heart. Having to identify his body and tell all of our children is something that will never leave me. I think I shut so far down in that instant until I know there has got to be some damage that was done to my psyche. I don't have him to express my love to anymore and I'm wearing this emotional straitjacket. What do I trust? Who do I believe? What do I do now? All our dreams and plans died with him. and I'm left here to clean up the mess. I'm a bride wearing my husbands ring around my neck on a chain. I hate missing him as much as I do. He gave me five of the best years of my life and now he's gone. We loved each other more than anyone will ever know. And even though it's only been 12 weeks it feels like an eternity. I feel the tears welling up again, so I'm gotta go. Have a blessed day everyone.

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Guest,

Yes, in a way. My beloved wife passed away three weeks ago at home after 5 years of fighting cancer. The last few days I was with her round the clock. When she was in her last hours, suddenly everyone one in her extended family just had to come and see her (even though she was beyond recognizing anyone). I just wanted them to go away and was sometimes very angry: although close family were supportive all along, where were the rest of these people for the last five years while she was alive and struggling? I wanted to shout that this wasn't a freak show. Mostly I just kept these thoughts to myself. One elderly man who just had to get to see her went home and had an "attack" and had to go to the hospital (he was OK).

If you read any other of these forums you will note how grief divides people into two groups: those who are experiencing the loss of someone close and those who aren't and/or haven't a clue what its about (and their comments will inevitably be shallow or off the mark). If you can, forgive these people. No one leaves this world without experiencing grief (if they were lucky enough to really love someone), and someday they will "know" what you know.

If you read other posts to these forums, you will realize, too, that everyone here knows and shares the anger and pain you are experiencing.

I am having difficulty letting go of negative feelings. I wish I could have talked more with my husband and known what to say. He was nonconfrontational and didn't share his feelings with me. During his illness Sept 9 - Dec 11th, 2005, I was taking care of him, house, 2 teenagers and working. On 3/31, I was told how controlling and how I pushed people away, had them walking on egg shells during the time he was sick and at home. I did the best that I could, didn't want to hurt anyone, and am so alone with all the symptoms of not eating, sleeping, physical pain, and now this, mental torment about what I did and didn't do. I was scared! I was mad! I had no one to turn to for advice! Did anyone have something like this happen to them? I am tired.
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Hi Cindi,

I just wanted to tell you that I lost my husband of 4 yrs last month suddenly. That\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s the worst kind. Suddenly! It\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s the worst because you don\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t know where or what to do because there wasn\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t any warning. I miss him so, so, so very much, but, your faith in God and what you perceive what life after death means will get you through eventually. On the fourth of this month my daughter had reminded me that a month had just passed.(I secretly didn\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t forget)

I am doing better because of my beliefs. About every 3 to 4 days something will remind me of him and I will go into my bathroom and sob until I can\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t sob anymore,but, that\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s better than when I was crying every day after he passed.

Today I finally had the courage to take down the bath towel he last used. I kept using it to get back his smell that i missed so much. Every now and then, I will take one of his shirts out of the closet and put it away in a box.

I\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'m trying to slowly let him go. I can\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t do it all at once. As strange as it sounds, my daughter and I will tell each other that it seems like he was never here or that he\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s been on some long business trip. Cindi, it does get better but very, very slowly.

I\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'m 49 and he was 54. He died on his birthday. I had him cremated so that I could keep his ashes with me although his essence is living on the other side. I can feel him and the angels around me. Pray to your angels, spirit guide (if you believe in one), your husband and God to please get you through all this. It will help. Please believe... - There are no coinsidences only God made plans.

PS - After Fred had passed I needed something or a sign of some sorts to make me feel uplifted. I turned on a PBS station and low and behold I found it. The station was running one of it\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s money support marathons for the station and Dr Wayne Dyer who\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s been around for years was on. After listening to him I went out and bought his book \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"Inspiration\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\". Go out and buy it! It will be the best money spent. Especially pay attention to the chapter about the Monarch butterfly. A true story.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\"Let me have the glory with Thee that I had with Thee even before the beginning\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\" Jesus Of Nazareth

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To Everyone here,

I can so relate to all of you. I am approaching my 2 year marker on May 16th of loosing the love of my life. I can't say that it gets easier for me...I have just learned to conceal how I feel because it seems no-one really cares anymore....I don't know what that is about...I think it is their insecurity of not knowing what to do or say....which really is unacceptable.I think they are just flat out grateful that it wasn't them and then they move away so that it is not visible for them to witness....meanwhile, we are left alone in this big fast paced world where no-one seems to give a damn....so, I just pretty much stay to myself.I talk to my husband daily and still cry...well hell, it wasn't until last month that I was still praying to god to send him back. Now, I am yelling at god for taking him from and asking what it was that we did that was so bad for this to happen....WHy do the good die young? and, suffer? How do we really get over this? Hell if I know cause I work on it daily and my heart still aches, I wake up in the middle of the night still thinking it was all a bad dream, still can't sleep thru the night without help, still have anxiety to get thru certain days......I just don't know what it will take to get to a place of peace....I know these stages are normal but I am so tired. I get more support here than with friends and family....what is up with that? I said I was depressed to my brother and he said, "don't be".....oh o.k.! and it goes on and on so I got the cues that people can't deal with it so I go on alone dealing....in my own nightmare!

I think it is normal to look back a have certain regrets but yes we were under tremendous stress......to much for so long....and then after it only more stress and it seems it never ends....No-one knows unless they have experienced it.....I wish you all peace.

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