My Story/First Post

[Ali591]

Hi all,

So I've never posted anything in an online forum before so this is a completely new experience for me. I've been going back and forth over the past few weeks about expressing my grief online, and browsed quite a few forums trying to find potential places to do so. After finding comfort in reading some of the threads on here earlier this afternoon, I decided this seemed like a pretty safe and supportive place to bring my story, so here goes...

I am 21 years old and almost a month ago (it'll be a month tomorrow), I suddenly and completely unexpectedly lost my boyfriend. We had been dating for 2 months when he died, though I honestly hate telling people that because I feel like it makes it easier for them to discount how deeply this hurts. The truth is though, even though we didn't have the luxury of a whole lot of time together, it was one of those relationships where you really hit it off from the start and it feels like you've known each other much longer. It was both of our first serious relationship and so it was a really special time for both of us. He was my first love. We saw ourselves together long term and had a lot of plans for the future, so in a way I'm also grieving a future together that we now won't have.

We're both seniors at the same college and he died over our winter break, so we had already been apart for almost three weeks at the time. He just died in his sleep one day, completely out of the blue. We still don't know what caused it. I can still remember every detail of that day, leading up to the moment I got the call. Nowadays, everything leading up to the moment I found out just seems like it was in another life. He was a super healthy guy, so it's just a complete shock. I still can't comprehend how he could be here one day and gone the next. Just days before he died, we had been talking about how much we missed each other and couldn't wait to get back to school, planning all of the things we were going to do together. Now I'm back at school without him and everyday is just a massive struggle. Some days it still doesn't feel real and I half expect to get a text from him wanting to hang out. And on the days when it does feel real, I just feel so hopelessly empty and alone.

Our school is very small, so everywhere I go has some sort of memory attached. I have to go to class everyday in the building where he worked and one of my classrooms looks out directly onto the dorm where he lived. Everyone around me is so happy and carefree, celebrating their last semester, partying, planning for the future. Sometimes I just feel so out of place and alone in my grief. I have a great group of friends that are supporting me, but I'm also finding that a lot of people my age just don't "get" grief. That it's not like ordinary sadness over a bad grade or a bad hair day or something like that. They don't understand the unimaginable pain that I am in pretty much 24/7, how hard it is to get out of bed every morning and go sit through classes on topics that now seem so irrelevant. They don't understand that even though I'm slowly learning to live with it better, that it never really goes away. That even when I'm acting "normal," that it's still there, under the surface, threatening to boil over any minute.

And then sometimes people say really insensitive things, like telling me that I should be more grateful for the positive things in my life or that "everything happens for a reason" or that I shouldn't put up pictures of him in my room in case I ever bring someone else home one night. These things make me so incredibly angry... how can someone who has had the luxury of not having to go through this have the power to make my pain worse than it already is? Sometimes when this happens I just sit in my room and cry hysterically for hours on end, flipping through his pictures and listening to sad music. Sometimes I throw and break things. In the past week a lot of my sadness has morphed into really intense anger and that scares me. I don't want to isolate myself even further or push my friends away when I need them the most. But at the same time, I can't make those feelings go away. I just feel helpless.

Ahhh sorry this post has gotten to be so long, but I needed to get it out. Even if no one answers, I feel momentarily better now that it's all out there in word form

[Silvergirl61]

Hi Ali,

I wanted to just say I'm so sorry for your loss, and yes, we can understand here how hard it is for you to get out of bed every day, and go about life, like nothing has changed, when everything has.

There is no rule for grief. You get through it however you can, and in the best ways for you. If having pictures of him helps you, then go ahead and do it. It is your feelings, and it's you who can know best what helps you. I hope you find comfort here, and know that you aren't alone. There are others who will understand, and who care. Take each day as it comes, and don't worry about what other people who haven't experienced this type of loss think about how you deal with it. grief is a very individual and personal experience- some people handle it in very different ways. Take care of yourself, and try to sleep an eat right, so you stay well. Hope there are things here that will help you, and if you need to talk, try the chatroom. Sometimes, if you just go in and wait, someone will drop in.