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amaranthseeds

Lost my mom, and having difficulty with my partner

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Hi. I lost my mom in october. She died of Lymes disease and Lou Gherig's disease. it was a terrifying time for my family to be with her as she went that way, she was such a healthy seeming woman that died within a year of being diagnosed, such a horrible shock. I was unable to be with her because i was stuck in another country due to immigration issues-- if i left the country i would have been kicked out for 10 years. It was such an impossible decision to make. not be with my mother? or leave the country and my husband and risk not being allowed in for 10 years, lose my home and community and husband? how to make that choice?

I was able to make it home a month after she died. I stayed for a bit and now am back with my husband in the united states.

With all the immigration stuff, and the travelling for her memorial it's just now started to hit me that she's gone. I've been so sad, of course. It's hard to grieve but I think I'm allowing myself the fullness of the emotions I need to feel. I'm reaching out for support from friends. My husband and I live in a very isolated rural community with no phone or internet, so I've found I've needed to go away some more to get the kind of support I need.

A big part of this is because of my husbands reaction to my grief. Ever since my mom got diagnosed I've been a wreck. obviously. so it's been a hard year, and now that she's gone it's even harder. I've noticed as I ebb and flow in my stress and sadness, my husband does the same-- but worse-- he takes it personally, feels abandoned and threatened. Lately he has said things to me about breaking up, because he feels like I must want that, I must not care about him. That I'm not the partner he wants-- he wants someone to be happy and to be with him. Yes, I tell him, i don't want to be a grieving partner either. but that's what i am right now. He tells me he wants to support me in being with friends and getting the kind of support I need, but then when we go to stay with friends and I spend time with them he gets so upset and feels so abandoned by me, and I'm up all night comforting him, because I'm not there for him how he wants.

what do i do? what kind of resources can i offer him? I know that he wants to support me. mentally he seems to understand that he needs to be supportive, that i'm grieving. but in the practical and emotional side of things he's just completely breaking apart because I'm going through this hard thing, and he really doesn't seem to truly understand what grieving means for me.

gosh when i write this it's hard to believe that he's acting like this and i'm putting up with it... but there it is.

please, i could use some help. I think HE could really use some advice and resources.

I really don't want to lose my relationship with him, i just don't know what to do right now.

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