Lost my mom, and having difficulty with my partner

[amaranthseeds]

Hi. I lost my mom in october. She died of Lymes disease and Lou Gherig's disease. it was a terrifying time for my family to be with her as she went that way, she was such a healthy seeming woman that died within a year of being diagnosed, such a horrible shock. I was unable to be with her because i was stuck in another country due to immigration issues-- if i left the country i would have been kicked out for 10 years. It was such an impossible decision to make. not be with my mother? or leave the country and my husband and risk not being allowed in for 10 years, lose my home and community and husband? how to make that choice?

I was able to make it home a month after she died. I stayed for a bit and now am back with my husband in the united states.

With all the immigration stuff, and the travelling for her memorial it's just now started to hit me that she's gone. I've been so sad, of course. It's hard to grieve but I think I'm allowing myself the fullness of the emotions I need to feel. I'm reaching out for support from friends. My husband and I live in a very isolated rural community with no phone or internet, so I've found I've needed to go away some more to get the kind of support I need.

A big part of this is because of my husbands reaction to my grief. Ever since my mom got diagnosed I've been a wreck. obviously. so it's been a hard year, and now that she's gone it's even harder. I've noticed as I ebb and flow in my stress and sadness, my husband does the same-- but worse-- he takes it personally, feels abandoned and threatened. Lately he has said things to me about breaking up, because he feels like I must want that, I must not care about him. That I'm not the partner he wants-- he wants someone to be happy and to be with him. Yes, I tell him, i don't want to be a grieving partner either. but that's what i am right now. He tells me he wants to support me in being with friends and getting the kind of support I need, but then when we go to stay with friends and I spend time with them he gets so upset and feels so abandoned by me, and I'm up all night comforting him, because I'm not there for him how he wants.

what do i do? what kind of resources can i offer him? I know that he wants to support me. mentally he seems to understand that he needs to be supportive, that i'm grieving. but in the practical and emotional side of things he's just completely breaking apart because I'm going through this hard thing, and he really doesn't seem to truly understand what grieving means for me.

gosh when i write this it's hard to believe that he's acting like this and i'm putting up with it... but there it is.

please, i could use some help. I think HE could really use some advice and resources.

I really don't want to lose my relationship with him, i just don't know what to do right now.

[karebear]

I lost my dad 9 months ago, doesn't seem that long though, and my husband even though he loves me and supports me, he withdrew and wouldn't give me the understanding and support I needed. He wanted me to act, or at least I thought he did, like nothing had happened. We talked. The real problem turned out to be that he had no experience in helping others through grief as he hadn't lost anyone that close to him and lacked experience. I bought him a short book called "helping those who are hurting". He read it and it showed him what NOT to do and some of the ways that he could be there for me. He isn't perfect at it but at least he is trying. Perhaps your husband like mine is uncomfortable because he doesn't know what to do or what to say. If that is not the case and he is just being a dick then I hate to say it but he is not much of a husband to you. I would seek couples counselling. Maybe hearing it from someone else, like a professional could help change his attitude and give him some positve direction for his actions. I am sorry you are going through this. I am even sorrier that you couldn't be with your mom that must have been very hard. If you ever need to talk send me a message, I am a talker and have found that it really helps to talk things through. Your friend, Karebear.

[widower2]

Great post kb, I think that summed it up well. amaranthseeds, as kb said, this could be simply that he doesn't "get it" ie really gets all you're going through, or he's being a selfish, immature moron by thinking about himself when he should be doing all he can and worrying all about you. Or maybe it's a combo of the 2. God knows the avg person doesn't really get it unless they've been there. But definitely, whether it's the book kb mentioned (or one similar), or maybe a web site w/similar things, or counseling...or just firmly lowering the boom on him...but he desperately needs a clue or 3 or 100. Maybe you should talk to a grief counselor (or 2, to get other opinions) first and see what they say? Either way, best to you w/this.