I'm tired

[widower2]

Warning, rant follows...

Simply put: I'm tired.

Tired of waking up and facing this loss every day, and all but forcing myself to get up.

Tired of driving to work (a long drive) and having time to dwell on this. I don't always, but it's impossible to avoid - then even feeling guilty for when I don't.

Tired of having to get up from my desk now and then and hide in a deserted bathroom so I can break down.

Tired of hearing people talk about plans with their spouse or kids or whatever and knowing I will never have any of that.

Tired of thinking of the ways I failed her and was so inadequate, not just near the end but in better days too - and ALL the ways I should have been better but was too much in a fog or in denial or stupid or whatever the hell it was.

Tired of finding ways to fill the nights.

Tired of eating alone. Of shopping alone. Of doing damn near everything alone (PS I'm not a "hermit" anymore, I get out here and there, but still it's drops in the ocean).

Tired of dreading bed time, sometimes staying up way later than I should to avoid it, sometimes breaking down before I can fall asleep...and when I do, often it not being very restful.

And as grateful as I am for this site, make no mistake, still, tired of needing it, of needing counseling, even at one point meds.

Tired of feeling like I've hit a dead end and feeling like I'm just sitting her in this wrecked car without even desire to get out of it and walk away.

Folks I am just so #@$ tired. I wonder what the point is in trudging through this life like a zombie, but know I have little choice.

PS: I know I'm not the only one who's had these feelings and I'm sorry for those of you who have.

/ rant

[dsmurph]

I hear you.

[Caremal]

W2 I am with you on that and yet our life goes on. I know someday I will find a happy place to be. My husband told me to go on and find someone someday and to be happy again. To honor him I am working on that. You all will be ok in a different way. Our new normal = our life.

[UnderHis Wings]

That is what many of us have been thinking, w2. Today I had company(youngest daughter and her kids) and all the time that they were here I was fine. Then I was thinking of something with sentimental value and I'm so sad because I'm pretty sure it disappeared. It seems kind of dumb, but I wish I still had it.

One day at a time... maybe someday things will be better for you and for the rest of us.

I need some coffee.

[Katgroves]

I can relate to almost all of what you said....and I'm sure the rest will come to me in time as well. I will be going back to work soon and I can see myself running to hide in the washroom to cry.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[blujonny]

Widower2, it sounds like you're seeing a lot right now through the lens of your emotions, I'm not sure if you are aware of your emotions as you announce all these tirednesses. I wonder if your emotions are mostly ignored and they need to be reassured somehow.

[widower2]

Thank you all. As I say, I know I am far from the only one who has felt these kinds of things to say the least.

blu, I'm painfully aware of my emotions, so not sure I'm following you. Believe me there was a ton behind the original post here.

[blujonny]

I suppose what I was getting at was being aware from the viewpoint of your emotions rather than the judgments of everything. It seems like you're caught up in the judging of your grief. I think most of us get caught up in the judgments of everything but have a hard time describing their emotions in the moment without allowing their judgments of things steer things into the extreme, it can be painful, I know I've been through it.

[widower2]

Interesting but not accurate in my case. My post was entirely "from" my emotions and not judging anything. But appreciate the input all the same.

[blujonny]

Emotional frustrations can be tough..

[Silvergirl61]

W2- have those type of feelings, at least once every day. I'm not sure why i keep getting up, and I'm not sure why I'm still here, or how I'm going to go on without him in my life. I try not to think about the ways I failed,if I can help it, because it only makes it harder, and I can't fix any of it, anyhow..

I'm scared of even thinking about loving anyone ever again- I just don't think i could stand this kind of pain, nor would I ever want to inflict it on another. I'd rather be lonely, I think.

I get out once in awhile,sometimes even alone, but the whole world still feels so wrong. I still cry when i suddenly realize,he's not there to go home to, or that he'd enjoy being with me, and seeing what I am seeing, or that it would be so much more fun to have him along. I really hope with time, it will get better, but maybe this is all there is, and it's as good as it gets now. Guess I just keep getting up, in the hope that one day, it will be different. Maybe it will.

All I know, is that i don't feel all alone , and I know other people are going through this, and that some of them care, and they have faith that i can do this, so if i can't do it for me, i can at least try to do it for them, and so far it's worked. Hope your day today is better, and hope for all of us, our tomorrows are brighter. Take care. Silver

[mgilbertson]

Dear W2 and Silver,

DITTO.......

It SUCKS!!!!!!

Almost every minute, everyday.

[Mdanielson4]

W2, I certainly understand what you are saying I’m tired too. Is it normal to want to just quit dealing with this, and if I do want to quit what button do I push. I want to run away from the hurt. I want to have love again, but I know it is only once in a lifetime love that we had. I have good days but when the bad days hit they hit hard. I think they are getting worse. I try to talk to friends but many times they are not available. I feel very much alone then. I have no idea how to fix what is broken. I really don’t think it is fixable. I am struggling with life, I know I am not the only one who has this pitty party. I just am broken.

Mike

[Silvergirl61]

Tonight is one of those nights..when i'm so tired all i want to do is sleep..but when i try, my mind just keeps slamming me with all the things I try so hard not to think about...like how awfully lonely it is now, and how quiet it is in my room, even with a tv on for sound..I am just so tired of what my life has become, and i feel so sad and so lost right now, and even though i know it will be easier in the morning, to pretend things are all right, and that i have the inner strength to get through another day...it isn't so easy,when I'm sitting here, all alone in a quiet house, and there isn't a soul to talk to,even here. For some reason, my heart aches more, in the dark hours...

I miss you, Dennis, and i wish you were here.

[dsmurph]

The night time is harder for me too.

[lost and numb]

I know exactly what you are saying W2

(((hugs)))

[widower2]

Thanks LN, and everyone for the replies.

SG I think nighttime is hardest for most. Something about the darkness that dims our mood...... ugh I can't wait for those longer days (literally ie more day time) ahead!

[Silvergirl61]

More daylight and sunshine does seem to help, a bit. Today was just a hard day, altogether, but not as bad as I thought it might be. Today was the six month mark, and in a way it's a positive thing. I never would have believed I could survive this long without him...but I have.

I have some easier days now...some days where it seems as though I can make a new way through the world, without him beside me. Then there are the days yet, where I am so terribly afraid that nothing will ever go right again, and that I just can't do this ...I know we all have days like those, but I have to tell you all...that scares me! I have never felt so lost, and I don't know what to do to make life better again. I'm struggling with fear- daily, right now. It seems I'm running into another cycle of not being able to rest..and I'd hoped that was past. Glad some people are still posting here... I can stop in and see how people are doing, and it gives me something to think about, besides myself. Thanks for listening ...

[kathyl]

widower2 - thank you for posting this. I'm #@$ tired of all of that too, and tired of just being exhausted all the time!

Nighttime is horrible - the minute I do not have something distracting me, my mind races and reminds me of everything I have lost. I tried keeping busy in the evenings, but then I get even more exhausted and run down and those bad days become even worse!

[widower2]

You're welcome kathy and I'm sorry - I think nighttime is worst for most. For me esp bed time and getting up - once I get rolling it's easier (not easy, but easier). I try to keep busy ("busy" might even mean reading a book or watching a show or movie or whatever) right till I know I'm tired enough to go to bed and realistically fall asleep. Laying in bed wide awake is pointless; then your mind starts racing. ugh. If that happens I suggest getting up and doing whatever, again reading or browsing the net etc.

[widower2]

Still feeling much of this. Wondering who else might be.........

[catz]

Do they ever Widower. i was just thinking today about how tired i am today. Grieving and grief is exhausting and its not helped if you cant sleep. Like many people have said, i crave sleep, but i cant seem to lie down and get it....instead i keep going till i pretty much pass out, but then i wake up again in a hour or two. This afternoon i passed out for almost an hour in front of the computer. In the 7 weeks and 3 days since Alex died, the longest period ive slept has been 4 hours and that was once...usually its closer to 2. I still cant bear to sleep in the bed......too much to remind me that the person that i love is no longer with me, so i sleep on the couch in the lounge and I too, have to have the TV going all nite. Waking up is horrific, cos every morning is another reminder that today, like every day in the last 7 weeks, i have to face being alone. Simply put, Im tired of being tired. In some ways its worse being tired and zombied than crying and ranting, cos NOTHING matters. The one and ONLY reason that i get up every day is to look after our pets. Alex loved animals and we have a house full. Its the only thing i can do for him now, to take responsibility and take care of them, and so i do it.

[needy]

I always had a problem with insomnia. Sure I could fall asleep watching TV but going to bed I would be awake for hours. The doctor gave me zopiclone and I would be asleep within 10 minutes. I found it really calmed down my overactive brain. I slowly weaned myself off and I am still able to go to bed and fall asleep within minutes. I get roughly 5-6 hours of good sleep a night which is great for me. As far as your bedroom. If you are able change your bedding and some other stuff in the room? It took me awhile to do it as well. Let's face it in our situation our bedrooms are a huge trigger. We have to fool our over active brains. I totally understand what you are going through.

[patsyl]

W2 I so feel the same I'm just tired of everything nights, mornings and the weekends are so hard doing everything alone when we did everything together. I'm also tired of pretending I'm ok when I'm not.

[Jeff's Mom]

Bingo! Can I ever relate to that. Pretending. Why should we have to feel it is our responsibility to make others not feel a need to feel compassion? As in family, etc. I am stymied at this point. In the end...just be yourself. What else can you really do? Respond with honesty in a respectful way... and let them handle their own response. Whatever it may be... it is not for you to shoulder... if they are uncomfortable with your loss. Remain true to your feelings and keep going. You have enough to deal with. Why not tell them that you are having a difficult time learning to live without your significant other? A true friend will then step in to help. The others are not worth worrying about. It takes a huge amount of time to adjust to your loss. Those that have not been through it truly do not understand. A poor excuse...but nevertheless, so very true. Unfortunately this separates the men from the boys! A heck of a way to see how strong we can be.

[LizzyW]

More daylight and sunshine does seem to help, a bit. Today was just a hard day, altogether, but not as bad as I thought it might be. Today was the six month mark, and in a way it's a positive thing. I never would have believed I could survive this long without him...but I have.

I have some easier days now...some days where it seems as though I can make a new way through the world, without him beside me. Then there are the days yet, where I am so terribly afraid that nothing will ever go right again, and that I just can't do this ...I know we all have days like those, but I have to tell you all...that scares me! I have never felt so lost, and I don't know what to do to make life better again. I'm struggling with fear- daily, right now. It seems I'm running into another cycle of not being able to rest..and I'd hoped that was past. Glad some people are still posting here... I can stop in and see how people are doing, and it gives me something to think about, besides myself. Thanks for listening ...

Same here, but it sounds as if you are starting to do a little better. I was doing what I would consider okay until last week, so I finally went to see a doctor, and it was good for me- just to be able to tell a professional what has been going on, and how I am feeling. She was a very cool lady- specializes in thyroid disorders- and this is what she told me:

"The thyroid is known as the *grieving gland*". She said she will bet that my thyroid is being overworked due to the emotional stress, and she recommended some high dose vitamin D, a weekly B-12 shot, gave me a script for a beta-blocker to help calm the heart palpitations. She gave me a script for Ativan, but I really don't want to take narcotics to help me relax and chill a little, so I told her I'm interested in herbal remedies, and she recommended a few of them. I bought some passion flower for relaxation, and it seems to be helping quite a bit. I managed to work a 12 hour shift today, and did fine with it, although I was scared to go in to work today, considering how I've been feeling. All this stress is really hard on the various hormonal glands, and I'm feeling it. Overall, though, I think I'm doing okay considering the trauma.

[Silvergirl61]

Apparently many of us are still feeling this kind of thing. Just when I think it's going to be ok, I find myself staying awake staring at the ceiling, trying to force myself to do anything but remember. I moved the furniture, changed the room around, and it still didn't seem to make a lot of difference. I guess I just have to wait it out, and hope that somehow, I can look ahead, instead of back.

It's just seems so wrong to let go, of the one person I wanted to hold onto for always. They keep telling me I have to let him go, I have to move on....and i just don't know how to do that. I swear one of these days, I'm going to just run .... and keep going until I either stop hurting, or stop breathing.

I'm so tired of worrying about everything, and taking care of all this stuff, and supporting all of the people who lean on me, and depend on me. I have tried talking to some of my friends and family...., and these are the things I get- "he's dead you have to go on." he's dead, you can do whatever you want","you can't do that, you know he wouldn't want you to_____, "there are lots of guys out there your age, you don't have to be alone" "Don't keep that around" "sell those" "don't sell those" "you shouldn't have all those pictures out, put them away and forget about it" "he's watching over you' "he has gone on to a better place, and you need to get on with your life' " I would like to have ____" "you should give that to____" " Do you have to talk about him" .......

I don't wonder any more why I'm tired. I just am.I'm so sick of having to be strong. I hurt, and i am scared, and i really really miss him. At least i can say that here, and most people won't just think i'm stupid and weak.

[catz]

Youre hurt and scared and you miss someone you love....if that isnt a reason to be tired i dont know what is.

And while i understand why people say what they do, i really think that life would be better at this time if we could just put them on mute. But they dont know, they dont understand, they CANT understand how you feel. We can, cos were all there with you, sleepless, tired, scared, lonely, sad and every now and then convinced that weve lost our minds. And dont ever think of yourself as stupid or weak.....youre STRONG....so strong. Youve come thru this far, and even tho you might not feel strong, and even tho you might feel like its all too much and you cant take one more second or one more bloody platitude.....you ARE still here and youre talking and thats all that can be asked of you. *hugs* i wish to every power in the universe that we didnt have to do this, but im glad at least that we can help each other for what its worth.

[widower2]

Youre hurt and scared and you miss someone you love....if that isnt a reason to be tired i dont know what is.

And while i understand why people say what they do, i really think that life would be better at this time if we could just put them on mute. But they dont know, they dont understand, they CANT understand how you feel.

Exactly. I would for the most part ignore what "they" are saying because "they" are utterly clueless. It never fails to anger me how people who have NO Idea what you're going through seem to think they know what you should or shouldn't do. Manage your own life you fools, I'll handle mine, thank you very much. And maybe I'm getting wrapped up in the way it was said but I disagree 1000% that you have to "let go" or "move on." Hold onto his memory and your memories together always (and whatever belongings of his you want as well). The trick is figuring out how to do that yet still continue on in this world knowing he can't be there directly. I wish I had some magical answer but each person has to figure out how to do that for themselves.

[Silvergirl61]

Thanks. I feel better today, and i actually called and told the family i was just not coming to the event today, because i was too worn out with all the pressure and that it would give them all a chance to discuss how crazy i have become without my having to listen to it. I even suggested that they all take a vote and elect a spokesperson to present their final tally of all the different behavioral norms I am violating or just let me know if they voted me off the island by mail. I also told her to let them know, that i was perfectly fine, and that in certain segments of the population, was actually considered to be a very boringly normal person, and not at all fun to hang around with, and that i am too damned old to change my ways now, and just don't feel i have much to offer in the dating game either, so that if there were several nice men they wanted me to meet today, they would be prepared to offer up another choice or have decks of cards at hand to amuse their extra guests. I also informed them that if and when i felt like i might possibly be interested in meeting someone , I will put an announcement in the newsletter or something, but i am tired of having people thrown at my head, and having to be polite to someone i have nothing in common with, just because someone in the family tree thinks they are "nice".

i went off to the city, and walked in the park, and sat in the sunshine, and watched the strangers run and play, and feed the ducks, and talked to people who came up...and watched the rainbows the fountains threw up, and listened to the water cascade down the tiers....and when i thought about him today.. I smiled. Because i could hear him laughing , that i finally had the courage to tell them, I wasn't a taxi service, and didn't feel like pretending to be someone that fit in... I just wanted to be me, and enjoy the day, without having to hear how wrong I am all the time, and without having little barbs shot at me all day long. I guess I finally came to believe, at least for today, that if I was always good enough for him...then I should be good enough for anybody else who is supposed to love me.

Weirdly enough, none of the strangers I met today told me I was weird, or that my hair wasn't right, or my clothes weren't ok, or that I needed to change anything...and maybe I don't, unless I want to.

[needy]

I too Silvergirl have heard some of the statements you have heard and I have no idea how to handle them. Before I could logically think of how to approach the problem, now often I let loose my anger at them or just avoid them all together. How are we suppose to handle this? July 2 my husband's cremated remains will finally be buried. Just his sisters, brother and my sister and us will be there. Every plan I have come up with for a little celebration has been shot down by one of his sisters. My sons and I want to celebrate their fathers life but guess we will be doing it alone. This is insanity!! Silvergirl your day sounded perfect!! :0)

[widower2]

Thanks. I feel better today, and i actually called and told the family i was just not coming to the event today, because i was too worn out with all the pressure and that it would give them all a chance to discuss how crazy i have become without my having to listen to it. I even suggested that they all take a vote and elect a spokesperson to present their final tally of all the different behavioral norms I am violating or just let me know if they voted me off the island by mail. I also told her to let them know, that i was perfectly fine, and that in certain segments of the population, was actually considered to be a very boringly normal person, and not at all fun to hang around with, and that i am too damned old to change my ways now, and just don't feel i have much to offer in the dating game either, so that if there were several nice men they wanted me to meet today, they would be prepared to offer up another choice or have decks of cards at hand to amuse their extra guests. I also informed them that if and when i felt like i might possibly be interested in meeting someone , I will put an announcement in the newsletter or something, but i am tired of having people thrown at my head, and having to be polite to someone i have nothing in common with, just because someone in the family tree thinks they are "nice".

i went off to the city, and walked in the park, and sat in the sunshine, and watched the strangers run and play, and feed the ducks, and talked to people who came up...and watched the rainbows the fountains threw up, and listened to the water cascade down the tiers....and when i thought about him today.. I smiled. Because i could hear him laughing , that i finally had the courage to tell them, I wasn't a taxi service, and didn't feel like pretending to be someone that fit in... I just wanted to be me, and enjoy the day, without having to hear how wrong I am all the time, and without having little barbs shot at me all day long. I guess I finally came to believe, at least for today, that if I was always good enough for him...then I should be good enough for anybody else who is supposed to love me.

Weirdly enough, none of the strangers I met today told me I was weird, or that my hair wasn't right, or my clothes weren't ok, or that I needed to change anything...and maybe I don't, unless I want to.

SG, awesome post, thanks you made my day. Bravo to you for standing up to them and setting them straight, sounds like it was badly needed. Sounds like you took a big step in coming to terms with this too.

needy, a celebration without the "we wanna do it our way" sisters sounds good as well! Amazing how people can cop such a grossly insensitive attitude. Nuts to em.

[LizzyW]

Thanks. I feel better today, and i actually called and told the family i was just not coming to the event today, because i was too worn out with all the pressure and that it would give them all a chance to discuss how crazy i have become without my having to listen to it. I even suggested that they all take a vote and elect a spokesperson to present their final tally of all the different behavioral norms I am violating or just let me know if they voted me off the island by mail. I also told her to let them know, that i was perfectly fine, and that in certain segments of the population, was actually considered to be a very boringly normal person, and not at all fun to hang around with, and that i am too damned old to change my ways now, and just don't feel i have much to offer in the dating game either, so that if there were several nice men they wanted me to meet today, they would be prepared to offer up another choice or have decks of cards at hand to amuse their extra guests. I also informed them that if and when i felt like i might possibly be interested in meeting someone , I will put an announcement in the newsletter or something, but i am tired of having people thrown at my head, and having to be polite to someone i have nothing in common with, just because someone in the family tree thinks they are "nice".

i went off to the city, and walked in the park, and sat in the sunshine, and watched the strangers run and play, and feed the ducks, and talked to people who came up...and watched the rainbows the fountains threw up, and listened to the water cascade down the tiers....and when i thought about him today.. I smiled. Because i could hear him laughing , that i finally had the courage to tell them, I wasn't a taxi service, and didn't feel like pretending to be someone that fit in... I just wanted to be me, and enjoy the day, without having to hear how wrong I am all the time, and without having little barbs shot at me all day long. I guess I finally came to believe, at least for today, that if I was always good enough for him...then I should be good enough for anybody else who is supposed to love me.

Weirdly enough, none of the strangers I met today told me I was weird, or that my hair wasn't right, or my clothes weren't ok, or that I needed to change anything...and maybe I don't, unless I want to.

Excellent.

[Silvergirl61]

Needy..

I shouldn't offer advice, but, in this case i will. Your wishes, and your son's wishes are important. If you ever discussed any of this with him, like Dennis and I did, and he expressed any type of plan, follow what he wanted. If not- you and your sons knew him best, and you are the ones who should decide what comforts you, and what you feel is appropriate, and what will bring some peace to you and the children is what should be done.

The memorial gathering we had for Dennis was nothing like my family had ever seen, and not all of them agreed with it. I told them they were free to hold their own separate service of they chose to do so, or were welcome to join ours, and left it at that. As time has gone by, the music he chose provides comfort to me, in a big way, and the memory of the day, and the sharing and the celebration of his life we chose to hold, brings me peace. It honored who he was, what he believed in, and that has leftmost us with a feeling of rightness. Other family members did hold a separate service, more in line with what they expected. Some people attended both, others chose the one they felt comfortable with. You do what is right for you and your sons, and let the rest do what they will. Later on, it will make a difference.

[needy]

Thanks Silvergirl for the advise. There were issues with my husband's burial, unfortanetly my husband's family wasn't truthful regarding the family plot. It made me extremely angry they held this information from me, but I do understand why they did what they did. It all involved another crazy aunt and the pain this woman put my husband's family through for years. But I am going to let this all go, the pure insanity has to stop. My husband will be buried in the plot that I bought and I will someday be beside him.

Two family members are flying in and flying out the same day as the burial. Kind of puts a damper on the celebration but what can I do? Monday we have reservations at a nice restaurant and then we are going to watch the Canada Day fire works. Only my brother in law wants to come with us. Tuesday I am having a barbeque at our house. Unfortunately no other family members wish to join us. It is all ok.

Sure wish his burial could have been done back in March when I was still in the shock stage.