I thought I'm better.... but I don't think I am.

[purplerush2]

I think I am still grieving. There was a time when I always wanted to be associated with such feelings but now I always told myself, I'm done grieving. This was just because I don't cry as much anymore, I don't have crazy fits of rage anymore but then recently...I've started noticing unusual habits and thoughts that I think have always been there for this couple of years.

The most evident thing are my constant thoughts of death! Death of my family members, my partner, my friends and even ME. Everyday, I have thoughts like these playing out in my head. EVERYDAY and for the longest time I thought it was normal but as the days go by, I'm starting to think it's not. Most people I know never dream or have thoughts about dying, of it they do not even half as frequent.

It goes without saying, that since 2003 i've been terrified of death. and absolutely paranoid. I really can't imagine losing any other member of my family as i think that will send me off the cliff.

I have taken some pretty big steps in the last year with dealing with my grief such as finally after 9 years of the loss, I was finally able to talk to my family members about it and told them and myself that i would be okay with the topic being discussed in the house. But maybe we dont implement it enough i suppose.

Anyway I wish there were more outlets of where I can find some proactive steps I need to take in getting better but psychologists in Malaysia are expensive and I'm not sure if just going to one for a session or two will be good enough just to get some idea about how to go about dealing with this.

[dsmurph]

Do you like to read? Embrace by The Light by Betty J Eadie was a helpful book to me. It and other books like it may help to ease your fears of death. You can get it used on Amazon for around $2.00. I hope you can find other ways to help you deal with the after here. There is so much more after we pass. I used to have somewhat of a fear too. But, since my daughter passed I have been shown so much that I have absolutely no fear any more. Also, keep in mind that this fear is of something that is , most of the time, beyond our control. Blessings

[blujonny]

It sounds like you're seeing a lot through the lens of your worrying right now. It seems somewhat extreme for you.

[Mumtothree]

My brother passed away 9 months ago tomorrow & I have been similar. Never really though about death before but do now. My parents are elderly 76 & 84. A the moment I don't think I could cope with either of them passing away. My other brother is 53 & I sometimes send myself into a panic thinking what it will feel like if I'm the only one left from our family one day. My husband travels away overseas a lot for work & I never used to worry about him, but now find myself checking up on him constantly to make sure he's arrived at the hotel & even that he got home from dinner OK. Sometimes I worry that I'm going to get sick (particularly with cancer) & leave my family with such pain to deal with. I think it's fairly normal to feel this way. Maybe especially when it's a sibling you've lost well before their time, as it's not the natural order of things & makes you wonder who is next?