My dad died...

[FiveStar]

My dad died January 20, 2013 at 1:28 am at home. He was diagnosed with cancer exactly 5 months and 1 day before he died. I moved half way across the country 6 months before he died, 1 month before his diagnosis to take a job I really wanted and had earned.

This job is my first job after graduate school- which I worked my ass off to earn this degree. This is definitely the career for me. I love(d) my job. If I wasn't so fucked up, I'd be really awesome at my job. But, I'm far away and my dad gets sick and dies so quickly. And my dad and I didn't have an easy relationship. My parents divorced in 2005 and it was UGLY. My dad was mean- he stole money by forging my signature on an account and put me into debt, he hated me because I looked like my mother and he treated me that way. He made a lot of mistakes and he hurt me in a way that changed our relationship forever. We eventually went to counseling and reconciled when he met his new wife.

Overall, his new wife is an amazing woman. She got us into counseling. She is loving, kind, caring and my dad truly loved her. She took care of him until he died. I helped- I work in a school system an took 2.5 weeks at Christmas to help and was there for the 4.5 days before he finally died. Admittedly, I've missed a lot of work for someone in their first year. I had pneumonia and missed 2 days in September, got called home the first time mid day on a Wednesday before Christmas break, and got called home on a Tuesday night before he died and missed the entire following week for his death and funeral. I realize I have put my coworkers in a tough position, but I don't know what else I should have done.

I'm now being remediated for my job, which has NEVER happened before. I'm upset about this because, as far as I know, all was well before my dad got a death sentence (in December). And all I can think about is my dad is dead, my dad is dead. I can't call him, I can't see him. My goal is to not cry at work and that's all I can handle right now. And NOW you want to criticize me?! It's my first year and my dad died. I am doing the best I can and I am overwhelmed by grief.

Oh, and my step mom decided to give away our 10 year old dog. And everyone around me seems to be think I should be able to "buck up" and move on. I'm sorry, it's only been 9 days. I came into work and I did what I was supposed to, that's all I can manage. I'm overwhelmed by my sadness and just getting out of bed is a challenge. Apparently, I'm crazy for feeling this way because my dad had a mean streak.

I've never felt so alone, overwhelmed and sad. I can't seem to just "buck up".

[Rms1977]

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost my mother/bestfriend on September 18, 2012. I like you, am having a hard time coping.

I had wonderful co-workers when mom passed. I too, was in my first year. They were/are still great. I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

Stay on this site, as you'll find a lot of people feeling what you feel. It's a journey for us all, and you're not alone. Anytime you need to vent, or cry, I am here.

God Bless,

Ronda

[karebear]

I am really sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 8 months ago and like you had started a new job just before he ended up in the hospital, and a month and a half later he was dead. I was allowed to take 1 week off for the funeral but then expected back at work. All day long each customer asked how I was doing. I was not doing good but I put on a fake smile and said fine. I did not cope well and after a few months everyone expected it to all be done and that I should be moved on by then, that is not how it works. 8 months later I am still not ok and like you I missed some time from work, got the flu this year and had my appendix burst while at work that ended up requiring immediate surgery. People who were supportive at first started making comments about how much time off I had this year. Mostly do to my time off for my dad. People are crazy and their priorities are screwed up. People should be able to take time off for their parents death and not be made to feel bad about it. I didn't chose it, and I didn't enjoy my time off yet I was made to feel like I was given this big gift for getting a week off. I recently told them what to do with their job and I feel better about it. I am taking a short time off and then pursuing another job which I have lined up. It is time for a fresh start. Don't put up with crap, no job is worth it. You come first, your health, your emotional health should come first. You will always have work, make sure you take care of yourself. Don't let anyone tell you it is time to "buck up", this is not easy and you will never get over it, you will find in time that you can handle it better but you don't control when you are going to feel better. This will happen to them eventually and I doubt they will handle it any better than you. Hang in there. You have friends here.

Karebear.

[Shannon CT]

FiveStar, I relate to your post so much, I am so sorry for your loss. This is my first post here....I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my dad who passed away alone at home in Florida on 2-13-13. I had not seen him since August of 2011 and am riddled with guilt, feeling so depressed and angry about many things besides not having made an opportunity to see him in that long. One of these things that anger me is my job, where I am supposed to be at this very moment but could not get myself there yesterday or today. It was a promotional transfer last fall that I had tried to get for six years. Unfortunately after working so long towards this it turns out I am very unhappy there. Having this experience of losing my father so quickly into the transition has made it worse. I am not close to anyone there and find it unbearable to be there lately as I am trying to work through this loss. I am out of time off, will not be paid for these missed days and feel like I just don't care. My father had not been forthcoming to me about the severity of his medical issues until November even though things were very serious since the beginning of 2012. It was terrible timing for me to find out in the fall, with the commitment to my transfer. This job commitment led me to the decision I could not take vacation time until late spring this year to see him. It crossed my mind that I may be forgoing a final opportunity to see my father and I knew this would be a horrible thing to carry with me for the rest of my life if he did not make it to the spring. That outcome has come to be and I am resenting my job and dealing with self loathing as a result now. I feel that I am falling into a depression, unfortunately not a place I am unfamiliar with...but have managed to elude its depths for so long. In trying to figure out how to protect myself from deteriorating and feeling I need to reach out, I am realizing how isolated I have become and how many superficial relationships I have let fill my life while not really having anyone solid to lean on or see me through this. Thank goodness I have found this website. Reading your post and many other posts help me to see that I am so far from alone. While I am still struggling to take myself to an actual bereavement support group or tackle some real grief counseling, I am thankful to have this feeling of connection to all of you here.

I know my father would not want this sadness for me...would not want me to be hurting myself financially or jeopardizing a stable and good paying job. He always did his best to instill a strong work ethic in me. He was such a hard worker, and all he ever wanted for me was to go to school, work hard and thrive in my life. I just keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and hopefully it will be better. I hope soon that this will be true. Hopefully I will get myself to work tomorrow.

[jasmine.gwen]

FiveStar,

First off, I'm sorry about the passing of your father. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you've experienced.

My mother passed away suddenly/ununexpectedly on December 7, 2012, at the age of 46 (I'm 26). My parents are also divorced and neither one of them lived in the area we were raised. My mom was amazing but she had her demons as well, which caused a lot of problems in our relationship. The last time I saw her alive, I was leaving her home with my husband and older brother in Gettysburg, PA on thanksgiving weekend due to a BAD fight that happened while she had been drinking heavily. This wasn't the first time something like this happened, so I left in the middle of the night and told her I was through with her BS. I waited about a week after the argument to finally accept her calls. She apologized a million times, admitting she had a problem, and promised she was done with drinking heavily and that she would also take her meds properly and not abuse them. (Sadly, after long term use of strong narcotic meds, she became very addicted to them). I finally thought she was ready to change her ways. The last time I spoke with her was 2 days before she died and by that day, she was 9 days clean of alcohol. I was so happy and Proud of her, but still annoyed that it took so much for her to hit her "rock bottom". My mother, Jannine, passed away 2 days later on friday, December 7th @ 745pm. My step dad came home from work and she was fine and alive. ... just napping. He went to wake her for dinner an hour later and she was unresponsive. .. not breathing and had a very weak pulse. She was rushed . The hospital after CPR wasn't e effective... wasn't breathing on her own and finally passed away after the Dr's attempts to revive her weren't enough. Needless to say, my world fell apart when I got the phone call.

Ive been at my job for 7 years now as a registered medical assistant for a very busy medical practice. I was only allowed 4 days for bereavement but took a loss of a days pay to have the last day of the week off. I totally know what youre going through with work.... my brain is always focused on my mom; all day, every day. My mood and attitude are getting better, but I still have bad days pretty often. I have also been spoken to by my boss about my attitude towards my co workers, which is annoying as hell because not only am I running around crazy due to the overwhelming amount of responsibilities and other crap I get stuck doing because it won't get done otherwise. ...anyway. ... it's like some people just expect you to bounce back right away to who you were before the loss.... it's just not going to Happen that way or that fast. Just know that that's okay and to take the grieving process as it comes. Losing a parent so quickly is literally earth shattering and there is no deadline on when the pieces need to be back together, so to speak. Take deep breaths and do the best you can. This process sucks, but I hope with each day, the process becomes easier for you. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you. And keep posting here when ya need to. Talking with people here who understand Is really helpful. Best of luck to you during this process.