just thinking out loud today...

[lep33]

to tell one story i must tell another...ive been happily married now for 18 years and i love my wife with all my heart and soul and i have 2 wonderful children(girl/boy).my wife pulled me from out of the deepest hole that one can fall in(i was rock bottom)i crawled inside of a whiskey bottle with all my little drugs and wouldnt let anyone near me(i isolated myself away from everything).my wife has seen me put on my best face one day and the next,beat myself up(she knew about the situation before we got married but we never talked about it,the how,why and when)by now whats the point.ive been going to therapy for bi-polor for the past 5 years and my last 2 visits we have talked about(the situation forth coming)it was heartbreating on one hand but on the other,it was great to express my deepest feelings and thoughts.now comes the judgemental part...it was a warm november night and the stars were shinig bright for that time of the year where i lived and i could feel something magical in the air that evening,kind of like a child on christmas morning.i decided to go to a local bar to have a couple drinks and listen to the band and what little did i know that my life was going to change and never be the same after that night.out of the corner of my eye i noticed this young lady(she was 24 and i was 21 at the time)seeing her was like watching my future staring back at me and i watched her from a distance,seconds into minutes and minutes into hours(she was wearing white nike shoes and stone washed jeans and a pink button down shirt).i sit at my table fantasizing on how i would introduce myself to her but she was out of my league and plus she was married,that was just not for me(so i thought).later that evening when i was ordering a drink from the bar,i turned to watch the band in the meantime and there she stood...i said hello and she said,well hello back to you(just in though exact words)and(we had this comfortable silence between us,it was like that movie"city of angels"where meg ryan was thumbing through books in the library and she picked one and turned to find nicolas cage standing there)those moments do exist(i knew i was in over my head).i asked her if i could buy her a drink and she said no and of course i had to ask why and she replied with a mischievous smile and not a sound as she walked away.last call can around for drinks and the band was down to there last song and i just couldnt leave it alone,i asked her to dance and she said yes without hesitation(turn the page by bob seger was the song,not the most romantic song in the world but it was that night)i remember it like it was yesterday...we didnt dance like strangers,we danced like a river running over the same rock for a thousand years,just that smooth(she felt so soft in my arms and the way she touched me,just took my breathe away)our bodies fit just like a puzzle piece.i asked her if i could buy her a cup of coffee after the bar closed and she said that she didnt drink coffee but loved the smell of it and i said thats one thing we got in common and she said that she would like that drink that i offered her earlier and i said no(lol)now that makes us even but would you like to come home with me and she whispered,yes and rested her head on my chest.back at my house...we spent the next 3 hours(3am to 6am)having friendly conversation over a joint or two and small talk on a country walk and when it came time for her to leave,it was best(we were sitting way to close and getting way to personal)nothing happened that shouldnt have.i walked her to her car and we chatted for a little while before we said our goodbyes but i just couldnt leave it alone again,as she was pulling away i flagged her down and asked her to meet me again later that night and she paused for a moment and said okay and where(now things became complicated)i knew that i asked her for all the wrong reasons(i didnt just want to be friends,i wanted more then that)and i felt like she was feeling the same way but how far could a relationship go in these circumstances(friends or more then)but i was willing to find out.she lived out of town and she was down visiting her family for thanksgiving(her husband was off visiting his family in another city,we'll get back to him later).to make a long story short...we spent 3 years,2 months and 6 days together and the passion that we shared was unbelievable,everytime that i looked at her it was like seeing her for the very fist time and when i touched her my thoughts became all undone but when i kissed her,i found myself in a place where true love only dares(she made everything beautiful).her husband traveled for a living and sometimes he was gone from one day to a week or sometimes longer,he came from money and she didnt and once you get a taste of that i would imagine that it would be hard to put down(i could never provide her and there 2 children with what he could and in the back of my mind,i knew that she would never leave him)i took whatever time she had to offer me and i ran with it and didnt look back(fear is what held her back from leaving him,stability)i was job to job and had no ties to anything or anybody,i lived with my parents and had no worries of bills ect...the last year of our relationship was really hard on me,she and her family moved many miles away and i couldnt call her because i didnt know if he was home or not and to see her was not an option,i waited by the phone at all hours(i got to where i didnt leave the house and wrote letters that i couldnt send)then one day i got the call that she was coming home to visit her mom by herself for the hoildays and we made the most of that and later the same year,she was moving back because it wasnt working out with husband(he push her thru a closet door)and all that i could see was "red" and i mailed her the money that she needed to get back home(so he wouldnt miss the money and she could leave right away).this was a great thing,her coming home and all...we spent 2 months and 6 days together without restrictions,just the way it should have been all along and in the blink of an eye it was all over(she was killed in a freak accident and just a few yards away from me and there was nothing that i could do)she was crossing the road to get into her car and she was hit by a passing vehicle).i still think of her everyday and my heart feels the sorrow and pain just as if it happened yesterday and for the first 2 years i would go to her grave site and sit there at night so she wouldnt be alone,sometimes i still feel in despair because if it wasnt for her knowning me,this wouldnt have happened to her.

[blujonny]

Sometimes the best relationships are the ones that seem be concentrated into a short amount of time for some reason. I can't imagine the emotional loss you feel, mine is more based on the feeling of being a child and losing the adoring qualities of a parent. I wonder if there is a story to tell about who she was, I know sometimes my dad's story makes me feel proud that I knew such a person and it helps in its own unique way I suppose.