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ElemmireAnini

Abusive relationship ends in suicide.

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Hi there,

My fiance killed himself June 10, 2012. The day before I had told him that the relationship was over and he had to leave. By 1 am the next day he was dead. I'm just so angry at him for doing this. It makes me feel like I'm a bad person, when he was the one destroying my life.

He was always possessive and jealous. He made me feel weak and lonely for most of our 4.5 year relationship. In the last few months he hit me. He pushed me around and threw me against walls. He forced me to have sex with him when I didn't want to. He embarrassed me in front of our friends and coworkers. He threatened to kill me one night I was at a friend's house too late. He literally sat on our bed with a loaded rifle and waited for me to come home. But when he heard me come in he put the gun away. Only to bring it back out in the morning and chase me out of the house with it.

I don't know a way through this. I go to counselling and a support group for suicide survivors I think I need a group for battered woman, but haven't been able to find one yet. I can hardly talk to my friends about it. They get so upset the more I tell them. I know they feel conflicted too, it can be difficult to talk bad about the dead. I wish I could just let go of these feeling of shame and the pain. But it isn't that simple. I worry that I will never be able to be myself again.

How do I find myself again after hiding so long?

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dsmurph   

You would probably do good , like you said, with a group who can help build you. Do you like to read? There are books about after this life out there. I know they help me to understand where Emily is. It gives me hope and some peace. I think some feelings of guilt is there in these situations, I think that is natural. But I always try to get an understanding. It just helps me. Do you understand that we are spiritaul beings, much more than this flesh that we see ourselves as? You are meant for something great, something beautiful. I hope you find your support where you are and learn to love the spirit in you. so, one day you can help someone else who may need you. You are broken right now. But, learning who you are created to be will very much help you. It will make you see life totally different. Start searching.. Blessings, Debbie

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blujonny   

I'm wondering if this was someone with a strong personality...someone that you also felt you could help? Your boyfriend I mean.

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I did think I could help him. I thought I could help him be happy. He seemed like he was happy for a while. But then he admitted that he was never happy.

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blujonny   

It sounds like it was kind of a risk to take on someone like that in your life, especially not knowing just what you were getting into.

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