Guilt

[MarkAngelosWife]

My amazing husband Mark died suddenly on our back patio and I was unable to save him even though I did CPR for over 20 mins waiting for help to come. I tried desperately to revive him but the Medical Examiner said he was dead before he hit the ground. My guilt is overwhelming and the "what ifs" are constant. I'm terrified he is disappointed in me because I couldn't save him so he has forgotten me and our son. I hope this is just my brain overreacting because I hope he misses me as much as I miss him. If I could talk to him one more time I would tell him I tried everything I could.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Guilt very often comes with grief (if you browse around here you'll see many others here have their own guilty feelings as well), but it sounds to me like you did everything you possibly could and deep down I think you probably (hopefully) know that as well...and I'm sure he does too. Be fair to yourself; you have enough to deal with as it is and you're only human! Take care and hold on, it's a bumpy ride but you can survive this.

[Caremal]

Marks wife Hang in there it is the worst time in your life. You will make it past this with support from others and this is a GREAT place to get it. When you have time drop into the chat room - we all understand the pain you are in. It sucks to be in our shoes - know we care.

[GoldenAnniversary]

While my husband was still alive but dying of his lung/bone cancer, I thought I was doing everything possible for him. However his last hour was so difficult and I fell apart, now I feel guilty that I could not understand what he needed that last hour while he was struggling for breath. I am haunted by these last moments and keep telling him I am sorry.

I know there was nothing more I could do, but still I feel so bad. He passed away at home, with the priest at his side, praying for him, our adult children all around him, and many of his grandchildren, all praying and crying. He was pointing his hands upward and saying, "hurry up"...

I wish I knew what more I could have done, yet my mind says there wasn't anything, but my emotions tell me differently.

[mgilbertson]

Dear Marks wife, I so sorry for what your going through an at such a young age with a small child. My husband also died from a heart attack suddenly,but was working a few hours away from home so I didn't witness it. I'm hoping you have some loving family and friends who help with your son and give you help as you travel this sad road. Believe me, your husband is watching over you and loves you more than ever and knows you did everything you could. Sudden losses are so traumatizing and the stages of grief are different for everyone. Try hard to take care of yourself and allow yourself to go through the stages of mourning. Your story breaks my heart and you will be in my prayers sweetie. Remember "NO GUILT"!!! You'll be in my thoughts, Marti

[Silvergirl61]

mark's wife,

I went through something similar with my Dennis. I was there, when his heart failed, and i did CPR until the paramedics took over from me, but couldn't save him. I know what you mean , about feeling like there should have been more you could have done. I too have had those feelings. It has been hard for me to accept, that he isn't mad at me, for failing him, for not being able to do something more.

But I have also realized, he wouldn't have wanted me to feel like that, and ot cry and feel as bad as i have been,either.. He knew that this was a possibility, and he told me, often enough, that if something happened to him, he wanted me to go on with life, and be happy. But it is hard, anyway.

I have spoken to many medical professionals now, and I have come to accept, that I did everything possible, everything I could. Please try to be kind to yourself, and try not to let those feelings overwhelm you, and cause you more needless pain.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I'll say a prayer for you, too, that you'll be ok, and find some peace, soon. I'm sorry for your loss. Silver

[dsmurph]

Go ahead and tell him now. He is at peace and feels nothing but love. He is not upset with you. People are probably getting tired of hearing this but, read,"Embraced By the Light," by betty J Eadie. I believe it will help you. You will never get over your grief but, we all will get through, one day at a time.

blessings

[5boysdad1]

Mark's Wife,

So sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. My kids did CPR on my wife while I was racing home and telling them how to do it over the phone. They do take some solice in the fact that they did everything they could. I have taken many first repsonder courses and I know what the odds are of CPR saving someone's life. I was thinking about that while telling the kids how to do it, while watching her loaded into the ambulance as the paramedics where doing CPR and when I was driving to the hospital praying that the odds and God would be with us. We all did everything we could as you did. Perhaps there was something we could have done to prevent that day from coming. I have spent too much time wondering about that.

I find solice in taking care of the blessings she left behind for me. I truly hope you and your son find peace. From my experience, the "my brain overreacting" feeling will happen quite a bit. Again, just speaking from my experience not as a person with any expertise, feel your feelings, love and hold your son, take care of your son, let him take care of you (my little ones always know when I need a hug) and take care of yourself.

Bob

[Jane A]

Please all -- remember that the world, the galaxy, the universe, and whatever lies beyond is not under your control; nor is it either your within your ability, nor is it your responsibility to change that. The best we can do is to develop our mind and spirit to deal with it as best we can. The only thing we can control is ourselves, and all that we can do is our best at the time. So if you did your best, then you should neither feel guilty nor blame yourselves for whatever happened, for that is totally beyond your control. I am very sorry for your pain and sorrow, and I do understand how you feel ... I felt very guilty and very responsible myself when my husband died. But 5 years later I have finally come to understand that I did everything that I could at the time, and the fact that he died anyway is not my fault, it is simply the way the world we live in works.

Some things we may be able to change ... eventually ... via research by experts or donations to provide food and medicinal care to those who cannot do so for themselves or their families, or any of those kinds of things, but we cannot change that death is intrinsic for life on this earth and death is inevitably a part of it, just as birth is, and as long as we did whatever we could to prevent death or postpone it for our loved ones, we have done all we can do, and we should not feel guilty for what is intrinsic to life. As Ecclesiastes says, "to every thing there is a season ... and a time for every purpose under heaven". We did not create the situation, and should not feel guilty (sorrow, yes, and grief, but not guilty) for the fact that we could not change that.

Re-reading this. I realise it sounds somewhat negative. But it is not meant to be. Believe me, I know how it feels to mourn the loss of the most important person/relationship in our life. I've "been there, done that" and still do so unfortunately. But I do know that it is not a reasonable place to stay in. I hope that all of you will be able to understand that you are not responsible for your loved one's death, and that they likely knew that too, and that you will be able to forgive yourself for their death, that was not your fault, and at least be comforted by the fact that you did everything that anyone could be expected to do to help them at that time.

Love, comfort, and peace come to you all.

Jane A.