Unexpected loss of my dad

[Amanda1984]

I am having a really hard time handling/dealing with the death of my dad. He passed away on 12/14/2012 and he was 60 years old. I am 29 married with 2 kids (1 1/2 and 4). My dad had COPD and was diagnosed about 2 years ago. He was in and out of the hospital but it was never severe. This last time he went into the hospital they diagnosed him with chronic bronchitis, even though he told them he felt that he had pheumonia. The treated him with anitibiotics and after 6 days of complaining he couldn't breathe they sedated him and put him on a ventilation it was then they found out he did have pheumonia. Within 6 hours of sedating him and ventilating him he passed away. The doctors never told us his situation was life threatening. He was never on oxygen, he was up walking around right up until they sedated him. Infact his nurse told me he was over exaggerating. There was about a 20 minute window of when they told us his organs were shutting down to the time he passed. I did t get to say goodbye, tell him how much I loved him, how much my kids loved him ( I did but he was sedated and didn't hear me). He called me about 8 times before they sedated him to tell me to come up to the hospital because he couldn't breathe and he wasn't going to make it through the night and I couldn't get there fast enough before they sedated him. I have a tremendous amount of guilt for not being there before they sedated him. I know he wanted me there because he was scared. I have a brother and sister but my dad always told me I held a special place in his heart and was different. I saw him everyday, I talked to him 3-4 times a day and now I don't know how to rearrange my life with out him in it and I don't know if I want to. He was my best friend. Watching him die and suffer was traumatic. At the funeral I wanted to die and get in the casket with him. I have a hard time thinking or talking about anything else. I know I am only a month in but I feel so empty and alone.

[karebear]

First let me say I am really sorry you lost your dad, especially in such a traumatic fashion. Reading your post was like reliving my loss with my dad so I can say with 100% honesty that I know how you feel. I lost mine in May this last year, similar situation to yours, very fast, pneumonia at the end, long condition but he was eating right up until the final night. We experienced a lot of incompetence on the part of the hospital staff and launched an investigation after he died into the treatment. We were eventually apologized to for what they called the "unfortunate incident". It was traumatic watching him and he was scared. I learned some things since then though, one of them was that the hearing is the last sence to go and even when they are heavily drugged and sedated they believed in pallitave care that they could still hear us. I believe your dad heard you and was comforted by not only your words but your presence in being with him. I know that having witnessed this passing it almost makes the grieving harder because if you are like me you can't get the thoughts and memories of him in the hospital out of your head. People tell you to remember only the good but those last memories are so strong that they overwhelm you. I understand the feeling of wanting to climb in the casket. A part of you died that day with your dad, the relationship you had was severed. I don't think people understand that it is not only our daily routine interrupted but also our very soul. Once again I can only tell you that I am sorry this happened to you and if you ever need to talk, send me a message. I had some good people on here help me through the worst and it has been 8 months now and although I am still struggling it is no longer the take your breath away type of pain that it once was. Hang in there, we are here to support you.

[Amanda1984]

Karebear- Thanks for your post. It is nice to have someone who actually understands. My husband gets frustrated that this is all i want to talk about. I too am looking into what happend. I just retained a lawyer and they are in the process of requesting medical records. I feel like if they come back and say yes there was something medically that was over looked all my pain will come right back and I will relive it all over again. Then there will be the feelings of he could have been saved. I feel like no matter what direction I turn I am in so much gut wrenching pain. The lawyer asked me for a timeline of event and it took everything had in me to put my pen to paper to write. It seems like I am living a nightmare and I wan to wake up from it. I can't even imagine how you must have felt when the doctors appogized and called it an "unfortunate incident". Was there any repercussion to the medical staff who treated your dad? I wonder if my dad heard me why he couldn't fight more and hold on. Did he ever think how emotionally wrecked I would be. I wonder what his last thoughts were. My aunt actually called me yesterday and said "I'm sorry, but I have to tell you that I blamed you for not calling me sooner before he was sedated". As if my grief isn't enough my family is placing their own guilt on me. My sister who lives in Nashville wasn't at he hospital asks me everyday to tell her again what happend the last few hours. Whenever there is a minute I am preoccupied my kids one of them will mention grandpa. Today while we were eating dinner my 1 1/2 year old says "hi gampa, love you" in his cute baby voice and I just break down, my kids were everything to him. Is it normal to feel like you just don't want to function anymore? I feel like I am the worst mom in the world to my kids I feel guilty saying it but part of me feels like I wish I could just be with me dad. I went to my primary care doctor and he said he would prescribe antidepressants because I will be dealing with my grief in 5 years instead of now.

[kaycee42]

Dear Amanda

I know how you feel my Dad passed in August. He had COPD but was never on oxygen. He was admitted for a collapsed lung, which was treated successfully I was told, I was not told that it was life threatening. In the middle of the night a nurse phoned to say he had passed away. No one told me to prepare, no one said Dad was in a bad way. That night I went up the hospital to be told these things happen, I never got to tell him how much I love him, or say goodbye, I though he was coming home, I am still in shock to some degree, even typing this makes me feel very stressed but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, I feel for you, take care of yourself, sending you hugs and prayers.

[Amanda1984]

Dear Amanda

I know how you feel my Dad passed in August. He had COPD but was never on oxygen. He was admitted for a collapsed lung, which was treated successfully I was told, I was not told that it was life threatening. In the middle of the night a nurse phoned to say he had passed away. No one told me to prepare, no one said Dad was in a bad way. That night I went up the hospital to be told these things happen, I never got to tell him how much I love him, or say goodbye, I though he was coming home, I am still in shock to some degree, even typing this makes me feel very stressed but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, I feel for you, take care of yourself, sending you hugs and prayers.

[Amanda1984]

Thanks Kaycee, I think maybe the reason it is so hard to wrap my brain around is because we didn't see it coming. It almost seems criminal to the people suffering from this disease. My heart just breaks for other families and people suffering from COPD. Have you gone to any support groups?

[kaycee42]

Dear Amanda,

I know what you mean about not seeing it coming, I sat asking myself why did this happen last night, why when Dad seemed to be a lot better, and was enjoying life did this happen. The problem is I am one of those people that needs to know why and on this one there is no answer, but it does not stop it haunting me. I would go to a support group except that I live in a very rural place and would need to travel many miles, this is why I find this site so very important, to talk to people in a similar situation is very settling. COPD is a vile disease that ruins many lives, if anyone out there reading this smokes please please stop, it ruins not just your life but those who love you as well. Will you be able to find a support group Amanda it may help, take care, kaycee

[Amanda1984]

I dwell on whynishappend too. I want answers and I guess I am worried that when my lawyer comes back to me and might say we have a case which then means something was done wrong and his life could have been saved. I get physically sick when i think about it. I never knew it was possible to miss someone so much and have so much emptiness. Today is my birthday and my dad would call the night before or super early in the morning so he could be the first one to wish me a happy birthday and this year my phone did not ring. My heart is just crushed. I keep thinking maybe since its my birthday I will see a sign or something that his there... Wishful thinking I guess to hold back the tears.

Dear Amanda,

I know what you mean about not seeing it coming, I sat asking myself why did this happen last night, why when Dad seemed to be a lot better, and was enjoying life did this happen. The problem is I am one of those people that needs to know why and on this one there is no answer, but it does not stop it haunting me. I would go to a support group except that I live in a very rural place and would need to travel many miles, this is why I find this site so very important, to talk to people in a similar situation is very settling. COPD is a vile disease that ruins many lives, if anyone out there reading this smokes please please stop, it ruins not just your life but those who love you as well. Will you be able to find a support group Amanda it may help, take care, kaycee

[stephanie1968]

I completely understand your feelings. I lost my momma on 12-31-12 (my daddy 11-14-00). I am the baby of five kids and my momma was 79 when she passed. We took her to the hospital on 10-5-12 for her gallbladder and when they did the surgery they found she had stage 4 cancer through out her stomach. Watching her slowly die was/is horrible. I can't get the visions of her decline out of my mind and on top of that she had dementia. When I received the call she passed I was obviously upset however since the day of her funeral I cannot seem to get on with life. I too wanted to crawl into the casket with her. I feel like a part of me has died as well. Each day I keep thinking it will get easier but there are times that the pain is just so unbelievable. I will keep you in my prayers.

[kaycee42]

I am so there with you Amanda, there are so many firsts to go through, Christmas was tough for me. I also lost my Mum a couple of years before Dad, I had not stopped grieving for Mum when Dad passed, so now I am doing the firsts again. When Mum passed Dad was so wrapped up in his own grief that he never again remembered my birthday, I didn't blame him. From Mum's death I was there every day with him it was hard as Mum had done everything for him. He was just beginning to turn a corner when he too passed. I keep looking for signs but then I wonder how can we be sure they are signs, but I do hope you get yours. I did see my Mum about 10 months before my Dad died, it was fleeting, she was standing in the lean to looking out at the garden, as I walked into the garden, I saw her, this was in daylight, I saw her and she was gone. I was shocked, I did not say a word to Dad, but his first words to me was, 'your Mum is here' well you can imagine my surprise. I have come to the conclusion that we see things when we least expect them, not when we are looking for them.

Stephanie, I too feel your pain, one day at a time it will get better but for now it is early days, like me you have lost two parents in a short space of time, and it is very hard, I feel that I have been grieving forever and cannot find any peace in my mind. I do think that in way way part of us does die with them, maybe it is because a part of our lives will never be the same again. I used to visit my Dad daily and now what do I do, there is nothing to fill that gap, I work, I have children, husband and a home, I am busy but still I have this massive gap in my life. Only the passing of time will change this, in the meantime, it is good that we can share our experiences with each other. I am sending you both hugs and prayers. Amanda Happy Birthday your Dad wants you to be happy x.

[Amanda1984]

Stephanie,

I am sorry to hear of your Recent loss. I defiantly think the one of the worst things in life is to see a parent die before your eyes. You feel so helpless, numb, scared, shocked, out of body experience. Basically a nightmare that is reality. I could only imagine the loss of 2 parents. The crazy thing is we know as we are growing up and as young adults that our parents will not be around forever but STILL when it happens we are completely taken over. Is there anything that you do that makes you feel better or takes our mind off of things for a bit? I feel like I am always struggling with running the events of that day over and over in my head and when I am done with that, the funeral. My husband thinks it all I want to talk about but honestly, I just can't help it. I wish it could manage it but I can't...

[Amanda1984]

Stephanie,

I am sorry to hear of your Recent loss. I defiantly think the one of the worst things in life is to see a parent die before your eyes. You feel so helpless, numb, scared, shocked, out of body experience. Basically a nightmare that is reality. I could only imagine the loss of 2 parents. The crazy thing is we know as we are growing up and as young adults that our parents will not be around forever but STILL when it happens we are completely taken over. Is there anything that you do that makes you feel better or takes our mind off of things for a bit? I feel like I am always struggling with running the events of that day over and over in my head and when I am done with that, the funeral. My husband thinks it all I want to talk about but honestly, I just can't help it. I wish it could manage it but I can't...

[Anamika]

I am glad I came across these posts. My father died 3 months ago very unexpected and sudden from a lung infection. It started out as a mild fever , he went onto respiratory distress. He died After a two week stint at hospital. He Watson greAt health otherwise and I will never understand why he died so young. I feel like we were failed by the hospital staff. Initially they never told us his condition was life threatening. The day before hr died , they told us he had copd. He never had any symptoms and never had any meds for the same. I really don't know if I can trust them and what actually happened. But when reading these posts felt like I was not alone in this. I am still searching for my answers. How old we're your dear ones when they passed? Did they have copd symptoms before?

[kaycee42]

Hi Anamika,

I am very sorry for your loss. My Dad was 74 some would say that is not young but by today's standards, and the rest of his brothers and sisters who are in their late 80's so I feel it was young for his family. We were aware that Dad had COPD, the only medication he had was an inhaler, the type given for asthma. I even went to see his GP to ask how his condition was, (about 6 months previous) and he was unconcerned. It came as a massive shock when Dad passed. I really do not trust hospitals or Doctors any more (though there is no alternative), when my Mum became ill, she was admitted to hospital we were told she had liver cancer I could not understand she had been fine and never drank at all. The Doctor told us she had 6-8 months to live, Mum died 10 days later, we thought we had time but she slipped into a vacant like state till she passed. Mum's passing haunts me because I was with her till the end but Dad's passing haunts me more because I was not there for him and was never given the chance to be with him. I know there will never be suitable answers to my questions and this has left me with scars.

Many people have COPD without knowing it, mainly if they have smoked or do smoke and it can often go undetected until there is significant shortness of breath. There are many web sites that may help you to understand how this can go undetected and maybe give you some answers. I hope this can help you in some way if you want to talk feel free to message me but please bear in mind I am in UK so there may be a time difference. Sending you hugs and prayers.

[Amanda1984]

Kaycee- Thank you for the birthday wishes. That was undoubtly the worst birthday I have had yet, just depressing. It wouldn't have mattered if I was in a room with 1000 people I would have felt alone. There were no sign as much as I prayed that there would be. Christmas night my husband and I heard things that were out of the norm but your right it did happen when we were defiantly not expecting it. I found a grief support group today that starts next week so I hope that helps me since every second of the day I am consumed my all the things I could have done differently, why were so many things overlooked ect... There is something comforting in knowing other people have the same feelings and are going though the same thing but at the same time I almost feel that nothing takes away the pain.

[Amanda1984]

Anamika- So sorry to hear your loss. It shakes your works and everything you believe in. My dad was 60 years old when he passed and was diagnosed 2 years ago with COPD. He may have had it longer but went undiagnosed. When he was diagnosed he was going through a rough time in his life (my mom had divorced him). So, we all thought at the time he just had so many things going on. He was put on an Spireva (sp?), predizone, albuteral and at the end an inhaler. He was still so normal to me I guess because he was still walking around (although, he would lose his breathe quickly), playing with my kids, talking all the things that a person would do only he seemed to use his breathing treatment (nebulizer) more frequently. The doctors at one hospital said his COPD was moderate. We were never told his condition was life threatening. Not even 3 hours before he died did they say it was life threatening. He complained the whole 6 days at he hospital and he suffered tremendously with out the proper treatment or care because it was over looked and the did not think anything other than he had chronic bronchitis and pheumonia in one side of his chest. It sickens me how some hospital staff are just not that aware of signs and symtoms. I Would really like to see if there is anything I can do to educate nursing staff of sign and symtoms of his disease so nobody else has to suffer the way he did. I don't trust hospital staff either. The system seems like a insurance scam to me at this point. I would reccomend getting a lawy to investigate any wrong doing. Feel free to contact me anytime. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[kaycee42]

Hi Amanda,

It's a strange feeling, the one where the room is full of people yet you feel lonely, I know it well. I too am consumed by the why didn't I's and what if's they go round my head all the time I guess in the end they will slow down but for now they give me a headache. I am so glad you found a support group and hope that it helps. Do you find yourself tired all the time, because I am, I know that I am not sleeping that well but I am sure it is because my mind just will not stop. I also seem to have no fight in me, previously when things went wrong I would get up and sort it now I just go whatever. How about you?

[Amanda1984]

Good morning Kaycee, (although im not sure it is morning in the UK)

I am tried all the time too. Grieving is an exhausting process. I do think most of it though is the fact that our minds keep going and going, thinking about things over and over,constantly telling yourself they are gone, the feelings of heartbreak, sadness, anger, emptiness ect. It is emotionally draining, just to wake up and do it again the next day. I have been taking Ativan to go to sleep at night and I cannot sleep without them but when I wake up in the morning I am so groggy. Are you taking anything to help you sleep? As for fight left in me.... The only thing I feel I fight these days is the hospital. I have contacted a lawyer because I feel something's we're over looked. So when I comes to my dad in that area I will fight day and night. But your right, everything around you that you would normally get worked up over, mad or angry at doesn't seem to even be worth fighting about. I think maybe we realize in the big picture the those are the petty things that compared with death have no comparison. Maybe that is why my husband is having a hard time talking to be about things. Anything he complains about I shut it down, it is just not as big a deal as losing a parent. Do you find yourself consumed by reading things on the Internet, looking more into your own faith? I feel like I am becoming morbid.

[Anamika]

My father died

[Anamika]

My father died of an lung infection. No one thought it would take his life until the end. I am not sure what and how it all went wrong. He was perfectly healthy. No meds of any kind. I think there were many mistakes that hospital staff did that led to his death. Though I may not be able to fight them now. I live across the Country from them and its very difficult. I could not be there as soon as he was hospitalized and can't help thinking I could have done something to save him. My mom is naive very innocent has never handled a situation such as this. Perhaps it was meant to be. But I will always carry the guilt and second thoughts. It's incredibly hard

[kaycee42]

Hi Amanda,

You know it is a relief to know I am not going mad. I think my husband is having a hard time with me. He does not talk to me about my feelings and when I try I feel that he is just not interested. I think he just finds it difficult to talk, and I am over sensitive at the moment. He is not really any different to normal, it is just that, there is no one else I can talk to in real life. I do know that I shut down when he starts moaning about something, because it just does not seem important.

How are things going with the lawyer, these things tend to take a long time, I do hope you get some answers. Yes I am looking into to things on the internet and often find that hours have gone by without my noticing, No I do not think you are being morbid, you just want answers. For me I keep coming up with the same thing and that is, my Dad was at risk of dying, my issue with this is that not one person thought to warn me. Dad seemed fine, I even saw his last set of observations which were taken about 40 mins before he died, they were all normal. For me it just does not make sense, I have even thought maybe the hospital faked the charts, now there is paranoid for you. I do not think I will ever be able to find answers, but I am praying that you do.

As for faith, when my Mum passed it rocked my faith and I felt there was no God. My 11 year old daughter at this point stopped believing and still does not, though she believes in an afterlife of some sort. I am not a church goer but have been brought up to believe and trust in God. Strangely Dad's passing has had the opposite effect on me and I feel that my faith is becoming stronger, I do not know if it is an attempt to cling on to something but I am certainly changing.

I think you are right about the tiredness, no I am not taking anything to sleep as our Doc's will not give anything. I have found some grief support but there is a waiting list and it is 25 miles away, so I guess I will have to wait my turn. I will be interested to find out whether it helps you.

Anamika, I think it is normal to feel that you could have done something to save him, but in reality there probably was nothing. I can understand you feeling that mistakes may have been made, I too thought this, I even thought they had falsely written up

Dad's notes. It is hard, like you I will always carry misgivings but in no way should you carry guilt for something which was completely out of your control, and no matter what the circumstances, they were out of your control. Do you think you Dad would want you feeling guilty, no I am certain he would not. I am sending you a big hug, try to take it easy on yourself. Keep coming for a chat with Amanda and me.

[Anamika]

Kaycee- thanks so much for your loving, caring reply. It helped soothe my burning heart to some extent. Losing a loved one is hell. I wonder how people still go on after a loss. I think it is because there is no other way . Hope it gets better for all of us with time. You too take care dear. One day we will have our peace, acceptance and even happiness.

[Amanda1984]

Hi Kaycee,

I haven't heard anything back from the lawyer yet. They requested the medical records on 12/27 and said that it would take up to 4 weeks to obtain them and then they are sent to a medical expert. So, I am going to check on things next week and see if there are any updates. Thank you for thinking I am not morbid for searching the Internet in all things related to sickness and death I think that is the hardest thing to wrap our heads around, the fact that we never saw it coming and neither did the doctors for that matter. I just get sick when I think how could doctors and nurses just not see anything until it was too late and even then they never told me what happend. I knew my dad was at risk for dying too but still he did t seem like he was on his death bed or anything. Do you think if we were given a timeline or warning that things didn't look good or health was heading south and you had some time to digest it or make your last days and moments with him last longer, would help you now in greiving? I guess I think I would still be very upset but at least would have been happy knowing I told him everrything I wanted him to know and my kids could have spent more time with him. I don't thi k you are crazy for thinking the doctors changed medical charts. That was actually one of the 1s questions I asked the lawyer. Did the doctors ever sit down with you afterwards to explain what they "thought" happend?

How did you explain things to your daughter whew your mom passed? I think that is another difficult issue. My daughter is 4 and asks lots of questions and will say things every day about how much she misses grandpa and how can heaven be such a nice place when you can't visit grandpa? ( in her cute little voice) Although I agree with her somewhat I have to keep reminding her that grandpa isn't sick and god is taking care of him... Its very confusing for us adults and more so for kids. Some days I do cling to my faith and other days I struggle with what I believe in. I still pray every night. I need to start getting back into the routine of going to church but am afraid I might have a meltdown there. I think about going often though.

Someone told me that a greif support group would be a melting pot of people experiencing greif and didnt know how much help it would be. I am on the fence about it but I am willing to try anything to see if it helps. I will let you know how it goes. When I went to see a "medium" I felt a little relief when I left. Some people think that going to mediums is a sin or that it's fake. They said things that nobody else could have known without knowing anything about me. Although I felt a little better when I left it still doesn't take away the hurt, nothing will.

If you don't mind me asking how long was it after your mom passed did your dad pass? I can't begin to imagine the hell that must feel. The thought of losing my mom next kills me . Sending good thoughts and prayers your way:) talk soon

[Amanda1984]

Anamika- I also consume myself with thoughts of how I could have saved my dad, how I wish I would have never left the hospital from the time he was admitted. I tell myself or try to convince myself that I could have saved him. It feels like torment to my brain every day. Then I think I thought he was where medical professionals knew more than me, they were better suited to help him than was. At this moment 11:07 pm (this thought might change in 5 minutes) I think it was the doctors who dropped the ball. I think our health care system is a scam. Easier said than done, I know but try not to blame yourself. I am sure you like myself trusted the doctors and medical staff. Sometime I draw strength and comfort in knowing that our loved ones are with God and are not suffering after all heaven is suppose to be the Disneyland of our dreams. I do know holding all your emotions is isn't good, this site does help and lets you have some emotional release with others going though the same feelings. I'm always here f you need to chat. Your in my prayers.

[kaycee42]

Hi Amanda,

My Mum died 2 years and 9 months before my Dad. Strange but just typing that made my heart drop into my stomach. Mum had just turned 70, within 4 weeks she went from her normal self to death. It was a shocking time, the Doctor at the hospital told us we had 6 to 8 months with her, Mum died ten days later. Mum and Dad were childhood sweethearts, Mum had done everything for Dad. In that way I had to replace my Mum but my Dad was lost in such deep grief, it was like he was dead. I had to deal with many things that I would not wish on anyone. My own grief for Mum was made worse by Dad's, if that makes any sense. About six months before Dad died things started to get better for him and I was getting my old Dad back, I was so happy.

You ask about how I told my daughter. I have three children, the youngest is now 12, anyway, because we all used to be at Mum and Dad's every day, they were aware, what was happening every step of the way. I did however, sit them down after talking to the Doctor and give them the facts. My daughter just absorbed all the information and said little the other two cried. On the day my Mum died, the children were at school. I waited until school was finished then told them, Mum had passed. My daughter later told me she already knew as Nannie had been stood next to the white board at school just looking at her.

Your daughter sounds so very sweet and such a logical mind. I think it is harder with younger children because they are so full of questions. All you can do is answer her questions honestly, which you have been doing. I know that in itself can be a strain on you but you sound like you are doing a grand job with her.

When my Dad passed the hospital phoned me, it was the middle of the night, I raced up there straight away because I did not believe it. There had been two other men in his bay, who had had all their relatives called in because they were not going to last the night. So in my head I though they had got the wrong man. When I got there we were put in a room. When the nurse came to take us to Dad I insisted that I go alone as I was still sure they had got it wrong. She led me into the bay and sure enough she went straight to my dad's curtains. You can imagine how I felt at that point, she opened the curtains and asked if I would like her to leave, I said yes. I reached out to hold Dad's hand as I did I got a static shock. As this point I sobbed and told my Dad that if I had know I would never have left him, I held his face in my hands and kissed him. Well to cut the story short as I left I noticed that the other two men were indeed alive and kicking, talk about adding salt to injury (not that I wished them dead). After this I asked to see my Dad's notes his obs were done at 11pm and everything looked normal Dad passed somewhere between then and 11.50pm, I told the nurse I simply do not understand. She said that there is no Doctor on the ward because in is Friday on a bank holiday weekend but she phoned for a Doctor from another ward to come and read Dad's note and talk to me. When he came to see me, he said there was nothing to indicate that this was going to happen, and that it was just one of those things. That statement still shocks me to the core. He said that Dad's death would be reported to the coroner, who may perform an autopsy. In the end they did not perform the autopsy and put cause of death as COPD. I will never know what happen to Dad, the coroner did phone me to tell me what he had decided, but at this time I was not in any fit state to question anything.

I just wish Doctor's would be more careful in what they say to relatives. When Mum was in hospital the Doctor called us in. The first thing he said to Dad and me was 'She should not be here' I straight away thought he meant that she just had a virus and was wasting bed space. So straight away I was happy and relieved. But there was a strange look on his face. I said I do not understand he then went on with a lot of rubbish, in the end I had to say what the hell are you talking about it isn't even medical speak and I cannot understand you. I then said what is it cancer, and he nodded his head. To cut it short again, I had to pull the information out of him. I would have preferred to be spoken to honestly and openly, I know it must be difficult for them to give such news but it goes with the job.

I have wondered about going to a medium but I am not sure. How is your Mum managing. Oops just realised how long this has become, though I do feel a bit better for having said these things, thank you for listening Amanda. Sending you hugs

[Amanda1984]

Hi Kaycee,

Sorry, it has been a few days. I have been trying to get back into going to the gym and balancing everything else had been tough.

I cannot imagine losing both parents so close together. Especially since your dad seemed to be in better spirits and you felt things were looking up. It just seems not right when a doctor says 6-8 months and 10 days later... Maybe doctors don't realize how that timeline seems critical to the families and really making each moment count. That bothers me as well, I was at the hospital in the morning the day my dad passed and if I would have known anything I would have never left. That part kills me inside. The fact that nobody gave me a timeline or mentioned anything about him not making it.

I wish my kids were a little older like your so it would be easier to understand. I hope my kids don't forget all the memories they shared with him. I know at this age, they tend to forget.

Was your father at a large hospital? I know our health systems are different, I just can't imagine the hospital not having a doctor on staff because it was a holiday weekend. They should always have a doctor there . I can understand your frustration and disbelief. I guess that is where I feel the need for justice and a little revenge for my dad. I realize that doctors are not God but the did take an oath upon being able to practice medicine. Unfortunately, I think many doctors get comfortable and think they may know what's wrong without performing other tests that could find something critical, they pass it it up.

I also agree with the way the doctors talk to the families. It's almost a feeling of you know they are not being completely honest in order not to hurt you when you need to know what's going on. The doctors at our hospital only gave us hope and mainly positive news. It was a complete shock when it happend.

My mom and dad were divorced and my mom remarried. She was at the hospital when it happend though and had to be brought down to the emergency room because she though she was having a heart attack (just a panic attack). She seems to be handling it okay otherwise. Do you have any siblings? I feel I am hurting the worst between my brother and sister and for that I feel all the more alone. Certain things have been triggering emotional break downs lately, especially driving alone in the car. Thinking about the hospital those last hours, seeing his personal belongings ect. Do those things bother you still? Another part of me just does not want to accept the fact that this is not a nightmare but reality.

[kaycee42]

Hi Amanda,

I am glad you are trying to get some normality back into your life, it will really help especially the gym.

Yes I think you are right young children do forget but you can help them to remember. When my eldest was 4, my Nan died, we were very close and my eldest adored her. When my emotions had settled somewhat I made a scrapbook for my daughter and we would sit and go through pictures and talk about my Nan. She says that she still remembers her Nan, for which I am so glad.

I agree with you about there should always be a Doctor available. The hospital is a very large one, which makes the situation disgraceful. Unfortunately, I think the NHS is falling apart and ordinary people suffer. Many Doctors appear to be ill-equipped to talk to families, which I think can lead to mental and physical health issues and all for the sake of a bit of honesty. I for one no longer trust Doctors, they have let me down twice but I fail to see an alternative. I know and feel the shock that you talk about, it was the same for me.

My siblings have moved on with their lives and have not looked back. Personnel things of my Dad's do not bother me, they never have strangely. They seem to give me some comfort, I wear my Dad's ring and often kiss it when I think of Dad, I guess that sounds a bit strange, but it does comfort me. Driving in the car on my own is a nightmare for me, my thoughts run away with me and I end up in breaking down, in fact I have had to pull over a couple of times. However, I have to say it is happening a little less, in that I mean not every day, more like maybe a couple of days a week. I feel like a general sadness has come over me but I have to hide it inside of me because of the children and husband no good with it.

The thing is our parents were with us for a number of years, so I guess it will take more than weeks or months for us to adjust. Some days I just wish my life away, wishing I could be years down the line and away from this sad period of my life because I know I cannot turn back the clock. Is it this week that you go to grief counselling? Do you work at all, I know your children are young. When I am at work most of the time I am able to shut out reality, it is just the drive home that gets me. Keep it up with the gym it can only do you good well done.

[Amanda1984]

Hi Kaycee,

I think the scrapbook idea is great! I am going together started on that I think it will be comforting to me and the kids just to have that to flip through. I am so happy that your daughter rembers her Nan, so sweet. I help this helps my kids remember their grandpa... I don't know why but the last couple of days have been really hard for me. I seem to have more breakdowns and I know a lot of it is guilt. I blame myself for not being there when they sedated him, or if we would have gone to another hospital, even if we wouldn't have taken him to the hospital. Then there is the deep pain of me just missing him so badly. I go back to the same thing after I am done crying, how long am I going to be such a mess for? I know there is nobody who has the answer but I just feel so overwhelmed all the time

I have so much anger built up in me over the health system I almost want to be an advocate and speak out for families who experience what we have experienced . I want to make a difference and help other people who feel the way we do. I think it is wrong on so many levels how th doctors try and sugar coat things.

I just got my dads medical records in the mail last night and I was just disgusted. I found out that on the last day the doctors knew that he has the staff infection MRSA that he developed while in the hospital. Not one doctor said anything about that to any of us. X-rays were not able to be acuratly viewed because he couldntmlay flat due to the coughing and wheezing (COPD). Ugh, I just feel I am consuming myself with everything. I still feel like this is a bad nightmare that's might wake up from.

Yes, I am going to the grief conseling group tomorrow night. I'm a little nervous about it though, we'll see. I am a stay at home mom, basically a taxi service, maid, chef, entertainer ect... You know how all that goes ha ha ha. I suppose that might be why I am hanging on to everything so much. My sister works full time at a bank and say working takes her mind off of things for a while. I don't really have that luxury. Many days i wished I worked instead of staying home. Do you belong to any other grief sites that help? Is there anyone else in your family who shares your feelings?

I guess I will end it here since its getting late. Take care, talk soon!

[kaycee42]

Hi Amanda,

I am sure the scrapbook will help your children remember your Dad. That is a lot of what if's, I know I have a lot too. In fact today I have been thinking about mine, they drive you crazy don't they. In one way I wish there was a time frame, where we could say next month, we will be over this, but I think it is more like an outward spiralling circle where gradually the pain lines start to get further apart but every now and them they get closer together again. I do not think I will ever stop missing my Mum and Dad, but I do think that I will learn to handle it better, and I am sure it will happen like that for you too.

I have had the same thoughts about doing something about the way the Doctors behave in order to prevent this happen to others. It is appalling that you did not know your Dad had MRSA. It is off course possible for you to have caught it. When my father-in-law had cancer, he caught it and as I was pregnant it was advised that neither my Husband and me should not visit. I would certainly mention this to your solicitor, especially as you have young children.

I am afraid, there is no waking up from this nightmare and it is understandable how you feel consumed. Some days I feel like my brain is going to explode because of all the if's, other days I feel numb. I have a Doctors appointment on Monday, for something else, but I am thinking that I will have a chat with him and see if he thinks I am going mad. There is no one in my family that feels the same way but I am the person that looked after my Mum and then Dad, so I guess I will feel it the most.

I know how it is when you are at home with children and no I do not think that is why you feel as you do. I have also been doing a lot of thinking about my life and have decided that there needs to be some changes. I really do not like my job and have just started a home study bookkeeping course. I do not know where this will take me but hey ho we will see. I wonder if some sort of home study course would help you concentrate a little more on your future. You are really important and special to your family and deserve a release.

Anyway you take care of yourself and let me know how you get on at the counselling session, speak soon.

[Amanda1984]

Hi Kaycee,

How have you been holding up? This week has been rough for me. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride that I want off of. One day I am fine and the next I am a wreck. I almost feel I polar and then there are the days when I can't even believe that my dad is gone! I have been busy getting a time line of events together for my lawyer which was so difficult to relive everything while I typed it all out. I feel like a private Investigater going through medical records.

I went to the support group twice now. Maybe it's the people in this group but I don't think it is helping me. Everyone is different though. I felt as though one woman there was comparing the loss of her daughter to the loss of my dad and Telling me how different and more intense her pain was. I was a little offended but didn't say anything because I could not imagine losing a child. The group session is an hour and a half long and there are 17 people and sometimes not enough time to talk. There are a lot of woman there who have lost their husband. Maybe it would be a better group if everyone there lost the same person either parent, child, spouse ect... I found that reading books helps. Have you read any good one? Heaven is For Real was worth the read.

How is your bookkeeping course going? I think that is great that you are making positive changes and are so motivated. I hope one day I can have the determination that you have.

Take care,

Amanda

[kaycee42]

Hi Amanda,

I have had a bad time of it recently. I have been waking in the mornings and momentarily forgetting my Dad is gone, then realising the agonising truth, back to the heart wrenching start.

It must be difficult to do the time line, I know I go through things step by step in my head but I would not like to write it down. It is a shame about the support group, but I can understand how you feel. I think I would be uncomfortable in that situation and unable to share my grief.

The bookkeeping is going well, it really does help me to concentrate on something else. I have just had my first assignment back and received a distinction, so pleased, perhaps this is a start of a new life, who knows.

How is the case coming on have you had any feedback from the solicitor, these things can take such a long time, but it would be good to get some answers.

Anyway take care of yourself, and hope to hear from you soon.

Kay