Finally reaching out for help

[jbutterfly]

Hi my name is Jennifer. It's almost been a year since my little brother Stephen passed on. I'm a toal wreck and i'm just reaching out for understanding people. I think that it would be nice to talk to someone who has lost a sibling because i don't know anyone else who has. My parents seem to think that they feel that i don't share the pain of lossing Stephen as they do. I just feel alone and don't want to do this alone anymore.

[diane1234]

Jennifer,

I typed a long repsonce to your post with a picture of Harvey & previewed it ,then BI lost it.Go figure! So I'll be short & sweet this time. I was where you are @ Nov.'06(when my brother unexpectedly died). I felt alone,numb,sad,mad,etc... and then I googled death of family member & was brought to Beyond Indigo(I feel now that my brother led me here:cool:).I read the loss of Sibling thread for a few months before I posted my grief story about my Big Bro Harvey. Amazing to me that I had such wonderful women walking the same walk(at the same time) & feeling the same way as me and reaching out to me(Jackie,Barb,Claudia & now Marci,Linda,et . All).I realized that I can ride the grief waves today and not get knocked over as often now by them(I still can get wiped out by an emotional wave and sit crying about missing Harv, but the crying does stop now and I can smile about him now too..progress for me). I went to the Cherry Blossom Festival in DC yesterday and thought of Harv ALL day(he loved those trees & the festival). I also visited the WWII new Memorial and the Vietnam Vet memorial's too. I realized how different both memorials were; one somber(vietnam) and one soothing(WWII) and I realized that's how this walk is..different for us all and if we share w/ eachother we can heal(whether we are having happy or sad memories ). I Welcome you & Stephen to this thread(and I wish it was a different welcome). You should read the loss of sibling thread posts for the past year,it may help you:cool:

Blessings,

Diane

[missingddbdkb]

 

jbutterfly,

you're not alone, i know the feeling though, until someone has been thru losing a sibling they don't really understand...do u ever feel like people gets tired  of u wanting to talk about it?

[jackiewitter]

missingddbdkb,

Yes I feel like people get tired of hearing me talk of my brother.  My own family (my children teenage/young adult) don't want to hear me talk about it.  My husband certainly doesn't want to talk about it, but that is for different reasons than most.  My friends usually start up another conversation.  Every function that I attend now, I think of how my brother is missing it, and how I am missing not being able to share it with him.

Jeffrey is on my mind every single day, usually every minute.  He and I were always close but even more after our parents died in 2001 & 2004.  My brother was huge part of my life and my children’s lives.  Every function that I attend now, I think of how my brother is missing it, and how I am missing not being able to share it with him.  I find it almost impossible to continue on without him, so it's like I keep him in my pocket and take him out as often as I can.  I am quite sure it gets cramped in my pocket!!

I have found this site to be my salvation.  This is the place that I can bring Jeff with me and share with people what a great person he was; and tell others about how horrible his death was and how much my heart aches and longs to be with him again.  I can say how lonely I feel even though I have 4 beautiful children and a loving husband...I STILL FEEL ALONE.  No one here thinks that I am crazy, no one here recommends medications, therapist or psychiatric care.  Everyone here offers a true, sincere, compassionate shoulder to lean on, or hit if necessary.  Sometimes I feel better by knowing that something I said may have helped someone through a difficult day.  But more important to me is that I am able to listen and that is really what most of us here need.  We need someone to listen and let us go on and on about how important or brothers/sisters were and how very lonely and empty we feel without them. 

My heart breaks for anyone that has lost a close brother or sister because it is so very difficult to understand.  I do not know what life was like without my brother.  He was with me for as long as I can remember being alive; my brother was with me for all of his life, he was the one person; besides my parents, who watched me grow up, the one who played with me, who fought with me, and he was the who held my hand as we buried our parents.  No matter what, we were products of our parents love for each other.  It's like two candle holders in the center of the table, they match and they suit the table perfectly, however if one gets broken and has to be discarded, then the other really never looks right by itself.  So more often than not, it is placed on a shelf by itself, never to grace a table again as a centerpiece.  That is how my life is right now.  I feel as if I am sat upon a shelf, never again to be in the center, because the piece that used to be beside me is gone.  That piece was with me for 43 years, now I don't know what to do.   

So yes, I believe that people would rather not hear us talk of our brothers or sisters because it's just too uncomfortable for them to hear...primarily because they don't know to respond.  I continue to talk of Jeff, but I have found that this site relieves so much of the pressure that I feel when I talk with others.  It has been almost 2 years now and there are days that I feel no better than I did the day after, so that's when I rush to this site.  If I can ever be of any comfort for you, please do not hesitate to email or just visit here.  I have some really great friends here who have made it possible to get up on the bad days. 

I wish you comfort, my prayers are sent your way.

Peace and blessings, Jackie  

 

[countrysinger]

My heart breaks for anyone that has lost a close brother or sister because it is so very difficult to understand.  I do not know what life was like without my brother.  He was with me for as long as I can remember being alive; my brother was with me for all of his life, he was the one person; besides my parents, who watched me grow up, the one who played with me, who fought with me, and he was the who held my hand as we buried our parents.  No matter what, we were products of our parents love for each other.  It's like two candle holders in the center of the table, they match and they suit the table perfectly, however if one gets broken and has to be discarded, then the other really never looks right by itself.  So more often than not, it is placed on a shelf by itself, never to grace a table again as a centerpiece.  That is how my life is right now.  I feel as if I am sat upon a shelf, never again to be in the center, because the piece that used to be beside me is gone.  That piece was with me for 43 years, now I don't know what to do. .................................when I read this it sounded like myself...My sister was 63,I'm 61..she was there all my life..now she's gone...I'll NEVER be the same again...I love how you described yourself as being "a candle holder".....I totally understand what you're saying here.  

[pgwhite02]

Your post really touched me--I felt like that when my sister died at 13 from cancer.  It has been many years since then, and I now realize that our relationship was unique, so no one else could possibly grieve in the same way or feel the way I did.  My mother hid her grieving from us kids--maybe she thought we would feel bad if she cried in front of us.  I wish we could have cried together and shared our loss. 

Pat

www.counselingstlouis.net

[cameronsmom1]

Hi my name is Amanda Wittner. I have not lost a sibling before but I do have some questions that maybe someone can help me with. I have a four year old son and this past april my second son Brayden was stillborn. My son understands that he was sick and his heart wasn't strong enough and that he's not coming back, he's in heaven. My sister is about to have a baby she's due anytime and she lives with us and i'm worried that this will bring up a lot of questions and maybe start his grieving. He's already made the comment to my sister that he wants to keep this one. Any suggestions on what i could do to help him through this? I'm really sorry for everyones loss. I couldn't imagine having to go through losing my brother or sister. My heart goes out to you all.

Amanda (Mother of an angel baby)

[pgwhite02]

There are some great books out there to help little ones understand about angel babies.

These are listed on the website at the Sibling Connection.

http://www.counselingstlouis.net/babybooks.html

Pat

http://www.counselingstlouis.net

[cameronsmom1]

Thank you for the help!

[pgwhite02]

Dear Amanda,

You are most welcome, and I'm so glad that there are moms out there who are actively helping their kids with this kind of loss. 

Pat

www.counselingstlouis.net

[cameronsmom1]

I just know that if he can't get through it then I will never get through it. I've started counseling for myself and just feel like I should do something for him because him being only four he may not know how to express to me that he is grieving and I just want to be able to help him because he has helped me out more then he even knows. He's been the one to wipe my tears and reassure me that bubba's not coming back but we're going to be ok, and I believe him. He has definitely been my strength. Thank you so much for replying. I haven't had any replies on any of the other forums.

Amanda (Mother of an angel)

[pgwhite02]

Dear Amanda,

I too had a four year old son--he grew up and is now 32! But I know what you mean--they can be so wise at that age.  And grief is natural--it won't hurt him.  Most likely though, he won't feel the loss so much until he grows up and has his own children. 

It's good that you have taught him the baby is in Heaven.  That way he has a place in his mind about where his brother is located.  He obviously feels safe. 

I'm so sorry about your loss--I can't imagine what that must have been like--to have your hopes and dreams shattered like that. 

I'm glad you are getting counseling--that will probably help your son more than anything.  When you feel better, so will he.

Pat

http://www.counselingstlouis.net

[cameronsmom1]

Yeah I agree. He actually said something so cute the other day about heaven. We were talking and he said where does the moon come from and I asked well where do you think it comes from. He said I think it comes from heaven, I think they threw it down here for us. And so just to see what he would say I said well what is heaven and he said, you know, its where they take care of all the sick babies. I just thought it was neat to hear his definition of heaven and it made me realize my baby is in heaven and is being taken care of.

[pgwhite02]

What a cutie!  Out of the mouths of babes....