she suffered a lot bc the nurses

[sheela]

they should have been giving her antibiotics and lots of them in a iv.. she suffered needlessly bc they didnt she had raging high fevers bc of this.. and suffered a lot.. when you stood next to her it was just like standing next to a furnace i am not kidding.. it was the pneumonia... she had CHF and severe empysema and pneumonia... it was what finally killed her.  her poor little body just couldnt fight that and the fevers anymore at all... and i feel very ashamed for not knowing what was going on.. why didnt i insist that she go to the hospital on that friday when she said that she felt so bad ? that was her last coherent day at all. it was pnemonia then i know it was. she said no more hospitals so what could i say and the the home care nurses came and nothing but pain pills only.. no antibiotics etc.. they were trying to kill her.. at didnt times she even said they are trying to kill me !! but i didnt know why or what she meant now i do...  she would even cry out at times for reasons i didnt know thats what she was trying to say .... she knew that they were killing her... and i didnt .. i am so unhappy with that home care service...  why didnt they bring ivs etc ? she even maybe died of severe dehydration, bc she was to out of it to drink anymore they should have had fluids in her... in a iv etc.. does this seem to much to ask ? so why didnt they ? they just let her lay there and gave her pain meds in the  mouth crushed up from a syringe thats all they did.. nothing more at all..  why God why didnt i know this and act on it ?

[sheela]

i guess looking back at it last night it occured to me that doing ivs etc would just have made her last longer and suffer longer than she did i guess.. she had severe CHF and emphysema maybe it was just her "time". i hope and pray that was it...

she was nearly blind and didnt want to be here any more she told me several times that she was going to end it all bc she was so miserable.. we live on the 11th floor and thats what she had in mind if you know what i mean.. she told me one day that she was in so much pain with her hip before it was replaced, that she actually took a chair and was standing on it and ready to jump but she constantly saw so many people and didnt want to land on them so she didnt do it thank God i would have had heart failure... when she told me this i started to cry and shake it startled me and upset me so badly.. she told me this after she had her hip surgery done... thank God she didnt do anything stupid.. i would have been in a uproar crying, lost overwhelmed you name it i was anyways with losing her the normal way due to a natural death.. i can only imagine if she would have ended her life.. her uturus and rectum was coming out the last 3 years for some weird reason also.. she was just miserable.. maybe it is best that she is with our Father in heaven... 

[hope1315]

Sheela,

Hang in there. Keep looking on the bright side, as you have been. Some people, like all of us who have joined this site, have been given really bad situations that we must cope with. But everything in life, after life, the good, and the bad, happens for a reason. That reason is to make us stronger. For 3 years my father was cared for by nurses. He survived off of them and they came to love him as if he were thier brother. Since he has passed, they have been grieving with the rest of us, even though it is not thier first case where they have lost a patient. So keep looking forward, moving forward. Bad things happen. But all of us have eachother to lean on. Have hope, have faith, and keep moving forward.

Hope

[sheela]

thank you Hope i agree with you.. there are so many what if moments that i guess we all have at one time or another ... i guess that there are times we wonder if whether we have done everything we can or not that we just sit and wonder things.. like if they had been given more antibiotics etc or more fluids but in a iv instead bc they were too far gone to take any by mouth.. but in the end even if it would have bought them more time i guess it may have been equivalent to just add more days in the bed and suffering more and longer maybe ? i just dont know...

i just hate the thought of her  having to suffer though like terri schivo did bc she was to out of it to take fluids by mouth ... she should have had them by iv..

i always wonder though ..

[sheela]

 

i know what you all mean ... it is so hard .. my mom will be gone for a whole year this june 6th.. and her b day is august 3rd .. mine is aug 30th.. so i have a lot of sad days coming .. many have said to celebrate something in her honor etc... but my heart just hasnt gotten that far yet in my grief i guess..

 

the hardest part for me is the complete and utterly emptiness that i feel with out her here at all.. i dont have any friends except for online .. thats great but i really need friends here who can go places with me like to a church service etc, to lunch, to a walk in the park well you know what i mean ..  thats what i miss so very much.. i live in a bad down town area with no normal young people my age at all.. they are all elderly or on drugs or alcohol or are crazy .. or there are bars or the businesses and business people.. thats all or the homeless ... i find this so sad bc i love to meet people.. the few churches near here, i dont have a vehicle at all and ride the bus which i dont mind i am grateful for that even, well it limits me.. i try to stay close by.. i dont feel comfortable going way out in places i am not familier with i think thats understandable.. so i am feeling trapped here in the down town area.. my only hope that i can of is to make some new friends which is very hard here in this area, or to move out which would be very hard bc of limited finances and no vehicle to move with at all and i cant afford a uhaul etc.. (sighs) so any ways thanks for letting me vent ... my mom was my only family i have.. the dad and sister are both addicts and dad is retarded he was a blue baby with not enough oxygen to the brain.. its so sad.. sister has done so many drugs that she is below normal  level intelligence as well.. i have one other aunt who lives miles away in another state she talkes to me but is of limited help so far bc of her own problems...