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My Dad is Gone


RobbG

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My Dad was a strong, vital, healthy man. That's the only way I knew him. He lived through some hard times. My brother died when I was 11 and I saw my father in pain but not wanting to fall apart because he still had to be a a father and husband, Nobody's perfect, I am not naive or anything but my Dad was close. I lived with him for most of my life, childhood and adult. I am 34 now and we spent about 31 of those years under the same roof.

Recently my parents got divorced. My wife and I thought it was a good idea if my father moved in with us. My Dad was all for it. In his ideal world we would have a kid, he would retire and be a full-time babysitter. It's what he wanted more than anything, We were happy as a small unit for about 6 months.

On November 4th I woke up to no noise. It was a Sunday and the TV should have been blaring, my Dad despite pitch perfect hearing liked a loud TV. I got up, showered, took out the dog and figured my Dad was just napping. I knocked on his door and finally entered. I found him in bed, it was obvious he was gone.

I work graveyard shifts so my hours are odd. Apparently he passed sometime during the night. I saw heard him use the restroom at 3:30 so it was some time after that obviously. I was in the next room watching TV until 5:30. I was right next door while he died.

Ever since I've mended fences with family I haven't talked to in years, friends who I hadn't heard from in ages. I'm trying to purge all the anger in my heart. I have the support of a loving and wonderful wife but she loved my Dad like she was her own father so she needs to grieve as well. Sometimes when I look at her I just get sad because I remember my Dad was my best man at our wedding. It was a proud moment for me and the first time he referred to me as a "good man" instead of a "good kid".

Other than my wife I don't have much other support. I have few friends but none understand what I am going through. Some try to force usually fun activities on me like playing basketball or hanging out but I just want to be left alone. I honestly wish I could withdraw from the world.

I'm angry, sad or empty at almost all times. When I laugh at something on TV I feel guilty for some reason. I am not enjoying life, not at all. I don't want to see people, don't want to leave the house. I finally went back to work after almost a month and it's miserable. People try to console you but everyone just ends up repeating what someone else said "it takes time". I appreciate it but it doesn't help.

I am seeing a grief counselor but she is into faith and I'm not religious at all. I'm not getting much out of our sessions except a bill. I was referred to a psychiatrist but being the holiday season they are all on vacation or not accepting new clients. It's amazing to me how the profession that is all about caring for individuals is one of the most cold and callous when it comes to finding help.

I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. It would be a disrespect to a man I loved and admired if I hurt myself. However I don't know how to live like this, how this will ever stop. I don't know what to do any more, my anchor, my friend, my father is gone.

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RobbG,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your father. People deal with grief in their own way and time, and your anger, sadness and emptiness are all emotions that people experience during grief. Since you don't really feel as though you are getting anywhere with your counselor because you have different life philosophies, can you try a different one?

Do you and your wife talk about your grief? Do you share your feelings with each other? Would it help to try to picture what your father would say to you to help you? What would he suggest you try?

A profound loss is so difficult. Words just don't seem to do the pain justice, do they? We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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I'm going to try a new therapist, it's just complicated with insurance and all that nonsense. I'm glad I have it but they do not make it easy.

My wife and I talk about my feelings a lot. We just come from different places. I've lost a lot of people in my life, my Dad is really the only confrontation she has had with death. I'm completely open with how I feel but it just kind of gets frustrating because she can't do anything to help and that drives her crazy.

My Dad would probably be telling me just to move on and have a good life. But we were very different in that regard, my Dad was stoic, I am not. I've always been an emotional person, my Dad not so much. I know he would have hated to be the cause of any pain, suffering or even slight irritation for that matter. I just can't help what I feel. I can't help that rage, depression and emptiness. It's out of respect for him I'm not self-destructing or turning to drink or drugs.

Like I said, I've experienced a lot of loss but this one is so much harder because he was the closest person to me and it was such an unexpected, sudden loss. I was wishing that we had warning but then maybe he would have been in pain for awhile so I wouldn't wish that. I guess in the end the way he passed was a "blessing" but it was to him, not to the people that were left behind.

All I see when I close my eyes is him lying there, gone. I have horrific nightmares, replaying that event over and over. I actually sprang out of bed the other night saying I had to go say bye to my Dad, my wife had to hold me down until I fully woke up. Needless to say I was a wreck.

Now I'm back working, some people know what happened and look at me with pity, some like I have some sort of disease. Some treat me the same as always. A lot don't know and appropriately act like nothing has changed. I don't know how to respond to anyone. I just keep my eyes on the floor and speak monosyllabic-ly. I pretty much am alone for 7 out of the 8 hours a night I work and it gives me a lot of time to obsess no matter what I try to distract myself with. It's the curse of having a job that has so few responsibilities. I used to love that part, it gave me time to read, write, watch movies, anything. Now I just think of my Dad and find places to hide so no one can see me break down.

You're right that words don't really seem to do the pain justice but at least getting these thoughts out of my busy head help a bit. Thank you for reading and responding.

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stillfighting431

I'm so sorry for your loss.I feel your pain.My mom passed away on july 24th 2011 ,complications from a chest infection.She'd just recovered from a hip fracture.We still lost her even after so much hard work & efforts on our part to save her.My dad ,has had 4 nervous breakdowns.He had another one when mom broke her hip in may 2010.My sister & I were left all alone to take care of not only mom but dad too.Our mom was our best friend,our strength,our rock.

. It'd always been my mom,dad,my elder sister & I,just the 4 of us always together.But it was my mom who who held it all together,the heart & soul of our world.She was more than just a mother to my sister & I,she was our best friend,our counsellor,teacher & guide

When you lose a parent who also happened to be your best friend it's unbearable.It's like you lose your foundation, the source of your strength & courage.The world suddenly seems so empty & meaningless.Whenever I was feeling down,I'd just go to her& she'd make me feel so much better.I know we all think that our parents were great people but few of us are actually blessed with truly remarkable ones.My mom was selfless,generous,kind & compassionate with a smile that could wash all your sadness away.

.I just don't like living without her,I miss her unconditional love & support like crazy.Without her we are inconsolable as it is.I'm at my wits end,completely lost,but I'm not giving up,my mom wouldn't want me to.I'm trying to just make it from one hour to the next.I still cry at every little thing that reminds me of her....

I'm glad you've your wife to lean on.You've to face this trauma together that's the only way you can get thru,with each other's help.I lost my mom about 1 1/2 years ago but it feels like yesterday.I too am not religious so faith doesn't give me any comfort.I haven't been to a grief counselor cause I don't think a random stranger understands what I go thru 24/7.I've had my fill of psychiatrists while taking dad to see his for his depression.They're all cold & distant,quite liberal with prescriptions rather than talking to the patient.

And friends don't know what you're going thru.Only someone who has lost someone so close to them can.I'm sorry to repeat the cliche but it'll get better with time.You'll learn to live with this pain.And feeling guilt for feeling joy only if momentarily is normal.I stilll feel like a traitor everytime I do something fun that I used to do with mom.Like I'm leaving her behind,disrespecting her memory.You're still in shock & trying to process your grief.I was a basket case for the first few months.You'll find some kinda normal someday.But this sense of loss will always be there.

The nightmares are normal too.I was by my mom's bedside when she took her last breath.It keeps repeating like a looping video inside my head driving me insane.I may be outside running errands or talking to someone but mentally in in the ICCU room 302 watching my mom pass away.These nightmares & flashbacks will become less frequent with time.All the pain you're in right now just shows how much you loved your dad.Not all people are so close to their parents.

You're not alone in your pain.We're all here with you.We're all struggling.Hang in there.

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Thank you so much. I knew I was not alone in the way I was feeling but it's comforting (not sure of that's the right word) to know I am not alone. It's scary to hear that a year and a half later you still are struggling so mightily. Again this is something I assumed but it's sobering to read. I'm doing my best to find comfort in the fact that my Dad opened up to me more than anyone else, and for such a closed-off, old school guy, that's pretty amazing. I know he loved me most (it sounds selfish and maybe is but damn it) and that is such a double-edged sword because that hurts so much.

I echo your statements about the grief counselor. I've never put too much faith in strangers solving my personal issues but this experience has just seemed like a waste of time and money. My wife seems a bit comforted by it so I'll stick it out. I am assuming once I go to a psychiatrist they are going to pump me full of drugs because that's the stigma. Honestly at this point, the way I feel right now I don't know if I'd be resistant to chemically altering my brain.

I'm glad you were close to your mom stillfighting431, it is rare nowadays. I find your statement "I just don't like living without her" to be very similar to what is going on with me. Life has lost it's everything, I feel like every moment is a chore. Half my time is spent bouncing between emotions and the rest trying not to fall apart in public.

Thank you for sharing your story and your encouragement.

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stillfighting431

I'm glad my story helped you.Don't be disheartened to learn of my struggles even a year & a half later.Although I still miss mom terribly & yes I do struggle a lot but I've come a long way considering where I was at this time a year ago.The pain isn't paralyzing anymore.I'm slowly getting better.You'll too although you can't see how right now.I didn't mean to scare you but reassure you that what you're feeling is normal.Everyone goes thru it.This loss is a huge trauma & what we're all going thru isn't unlike PTSD.You should find a good psychiatrist & get some anti depressants if it can make your pain bearable.My sister & I too take a mild sedative every now & then to help us deal.There isn't any harm in it.You too were quite close to your dad which is heart warming & heart breaking too.But you should take comfort in it.Most people go thru life never getting to know their parents well.For what it's worth at least your dear dad went peacefully.You didn't have to watch him suffer & wither slowly.I know it's no consolation but I'd to watch my beautiful mom go thru so much misery & pain.I won't wish that on anyone.

I also wanted to tell you that it's the depression that makes it so hard for you to do all the things you used to.Also you can't expect yourself (inspite of what others may think) to just brush your pain aside & go back to your normal routine or being your normal self.You need time to heal.Every person processes grief differently,so no one knows when you'lll start to feel better,but believe me you will in time.You're doing fine considering it's only been a month for you.You'll learn to live & function with this pain.In time you'll start to have better days too.So stay strong & do your best to make it from day to day.

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find a local grief group near u and go to it if u are able to. i think that would help a lot. there are many hospices etc with a grief group available to all people who have had a loss. for example my mom past away at home but there is a local hospice named st johns that every one has told me has a wonderful grief group to go to if i wanted to. they were not involved in my moms care or anything like that but they still offer grief groups for all ppl interested for free. there should be something like that in your city. what city are u in ? if u like i could check to see what groups are available at what hospices ? (((HUGS))) sheela in denver

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Thank you stillfighting and sadgirl. I am trying to find help, it's hard but I'm following both of your advice and looking. I really want to be happy again, it's just I guess it's so fresh that I can't see that eventual outcome. I am very grateful my father passed at home and it was quick. He hated hospitals and I think his worst fear was withering away. It's hard for me because I am the one who found him, but I think eventually it will be comforting knowing that he went so peacefully.

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I dont know why but lately i want my wife to go away for the holidays. she's been very supportive and she hasnt done anything to upset me but I just kinda wanna be alone for some reason. Is this normal? I want her to see her family for Christmas but I don't want to be a part of it. they live in another state by the way.

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stillfighting431

Need to be alone is a part of the grieving process which in itself is very exhausting. It takes a lot out of you. Like you said before everything is a chore including talking to people, taking interest in someone else's life while your own has turned upside down..In the first few months after mom passed I absolutely dreaded going outside. I found it very hard to deal with happy, normal people & carry a conversation while I was frozen inside my sad little world.It’s much easier to be alone with no one bothering you.You’re miserable enough as it is & don’t want the guilt of dragging the rest of your family down with you.Moreover it’s nice to see your loved ones enjoying life even though you don’t feel good enough to join them yet.It’s comforting to know that there’s still happiness & joy out there & you can be a part of it whenever you’ll be able to climb out of this deep dark hole of depression..Solititude can be soothing when you’re down in the dumps.So it’s OK to feel this way.You won't feel this way forever.

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The point ended up being kind of moot. The ticket price was too crazy. I explained to my wife I wanted one of us to be happy for the holidays and after a lot of sobbing she agreed. Unfortunately 800 dollars is a little much for us right now.

So I know this is going to be a hard holiday. My Dad loved Christmas, loved Queen Anne Cherries, his polo shirt and vodka present. I'm going to miss that and be bed ridden. My wife wants to have some kind of holiday but I just can't. As it draws nearer I get gloomier. I wish I had no responsibilities and could run off somewhere and be "off the grid".

At work my department had their Christmas party. I avoided it but when I went by people were offering me food and trying to make sure I eat. I weighed about 170 before this and I've probably lost about 20 lbs. I get their concern and they want to cheer me up but I just want to be left alone. If there was every time for that proverbial "F-Off" sign to be on my forehead it would be now!

My supervisor lost his wife to suicide a few years back. I remember how heartbroken he was. He came up to me and expressed his condolences. It meant more to me than the hollow ones I got from older guys who lost their fathers when they were in their 80's and 90's.

One commander sat me down and told me about how his Dad was in the hospital for a month recovering from a broken hip but took a turn for the worse. He was in his 80's. Apparently he knew his time was drawing to a close and called my supervisor to the room. He talked to him for a few hours, told him to watch over the family and all that. The Dad then called his daughter and had a talk with her. Then he called his wife, held her hand, said I love you and told her he was going to take a nap. 5 minutes later he passed.

It's a wonderful story but it's so different than your completely healthy father saying "See you tomorrow" and making plans for that tomorrow and never waking up. It's different than finding your Dad dead and having to try and resuscitate him, wishing you paid more attention in first aid class, then knowing you did it all for nothing and there was no way it helped. I understand he wanted to bond with me but it just angered me. He got the fairy tale ending and I got the horror story.

All death is tragic but some seem worse. I honestly want to live, I want to go on. But I just don't know how. I feel no joy, no hope, nothing but pain, misery, sadness and anger.

I keep attempting to find a psychiatrist but to no avail. They are all on vacation or accepting no new clients. The one I did manage to find that was accepting new clients asked me how urgent it was. I told her I wasn't going to kill myself but I'd say 9 out of 10. Her answer was she had an appointment in the third week of January. I can't lie, I lost my temper. I said some mean things and told her where she could go.

I'm thinking at this point just to check myself into the hospital on a psych hold or something. My grief counselor said that I was in deep mourning and talking isn't helping. That I need medication just to take the edge off. I can't argue there, but there is no way to do that right now. I can't find the help I need. I feel like I'm just dealing with my Dad's death and then all these other disappointments are driving me further up a wall. I just honestly am tired of fighting at this point.

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stillfighting431

I'm so sorry to learn that you still haven't been able to get any medical help. I just don't understand why it's so difficult to get an appointment with a psychiatrist at this time. And why does the whole nation grinds to a halt . In my part of the world getting an appointment with a psychiatrist is a piece of cake.They’re a dime a dozen so are hospitals,dozens of them springing up every year like mushrooms after a rainy day.Whether they’re any good or not is another subject but atleast everyone has easy access to medical care. We too have festival season over here but nothing like this where everything is put on hold till next year.Does this last till Xmas or well into January?.It must require unimaginable courage & self control to drag yourself to work in this mental state, deal with colleagues & bosses without any medication to help. I can’t even imagine the ordeal of suffering thru the company of friends & well wishers trying to console when all you want is to be left alone.They end up leaving you more miserable than before.

The first ones are very tough,birthdays,anniversaries & other special occasions. Fortunately in our culture there is a one year mourning period to honor the memory of the lost loved one during which there’re no celebrations of any kind by the immediate as well as extended family. So we were very thankful for not having any kind of celebrations thrust in our faces by family or friends.I wish you find some peace too so you can come to terms with your loss in your own time without having to deal with people bothering you with their holiday cheer.

You’re right your loss is different from those who lost their parents in their 80’s & 90’s.Your dad died so early & so unexpectedly. So it’s very hard to come to terms with.Do you’ve anyone with a medical background among your relatives or friends who can prescribe something to relax you & help you sleep till you can get proper treatment for depression.You mentioned you’ve lost weight.probably not feeling hungry & skipping meals.I lost about 10 kgs myself in the first few months.Are you sleeping at all?Try to take as good care of yourself as possible & eat small meals as frequently as you can.I wish you’d get some help soon so you can start to heal.

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I live in a big city, Miami, FL. You'd think there'd be someone out there to help, with availability. Between my wife and myself we must have called 50 and the earliest anyone could see me is the third week of January. It's like they all thought that Mayan calender thing was reality. I did get kind of lucky, my primary physician is going to see me Wednesday and at least get me started on something until I can see someone else.

It is hard going to work completely wide-eyed and raw. I work late nights so my exposure to people is limited. I guess that is a good thing. Still, 8 hours of being alone and thining non-stop about my Dad is tough. The holiday stuff is hell though, everyone is so merry and cheerful and I feel like that dark cloud passing through the room. It seems like others notice this too.

I weighed myself today for the first time and I am down at least 20 lbs. I'm drinking a lot of juice and taking vitamins so I am going to remain healthy. I'm eating a little but don't have much of an appetite. As for sleep, I'm an insomniac in the first place. So this is not helping. I got a couple days without sleep or much sleep and then sleep for 10-12 hours out of pure exhaustion.

Thanks for everything stillfighting, it's helped a lot.

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stillfighting431

Im glad I could help.That's what we're all here for,to listen,support & help each other stand on our feet again.Let us know how the new medication works out.Hope you feel better soon.

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Christmas was rough. We (my Dad, wife and I) had decided to get a big tree and make all these plans. I was going to make lasagna for him like my mom used to on Christmas. My wife was going to make his favorite cheesecake. We had wonderful plans. Instead I got off of work at 7 am. Slept until 5pm and just kind of waited to go back to work at 11pm.

My Dad wasn't a cheery man, he never dressed as Santa or anything but he liked the holidays. Liked the company party they had every year. They always gave him a nice bottle of vodka.

This year nothing feels happy. I'm avoiding as much holiday cheer as possible but it's hard to miss. Christmas does find you no matter how hard you try to hide. When it finds me it fills me with sadness. My wife and I didn't exchange presents or anything, just treated it like another day. I guess that's just what it is now.

Anyway, tomorrow I go to the doctor. Hopefully he gives me something that can help me want to keep living.

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stillfighting431

I know how you feel. The 'firsts' are very hard. You don't feel like celebrating anything when there is no joy in your heart. We (my dad, sister & I) didn't celebrate any festival or special occasion last year or this year. No decorations put up, no gifts or cards exchanged, no special dishes cooked or baked. I cried the whole day thru my B'day last year. Mom was the center of our world & without her nothing seems joyous anymore. My parents had been married for 56 years. Dad’s so despondent without her. We’re gradually trying to make some effort to make special occasions a little less ordinary. I hope in time we'd find the desire to celebrate again.

We still haven't put up any pictures of mom around the house. They’re so painful to look at. We still miss mom everyday but we can now think & talk about her without breaking down every time. It’s ok to be sad, to feel all the emotions you’re feeling. That’s how we all process our loss & try to come to terms with it. Grief is a long painstaking, rollercoaster journey to acceptance & finally peace. There’re no shortcuts. You too will be able to fondly remember your dad one day. Hang in there friend, ‘cause if the good days don’t last forever neither do the bad ones. Medication will help you deal with loss better. Keep writing in. It helps a lot to know there’re countless others going thru exactly what you’re right now.

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We put a lot of pictures of my Dad up. It's hard to see them but I don't want to not see them, if that makes any sense at all.

I hope you do get to enjoy the holidays again and that your Dad finds some peace and solace. I know he must be terribly lonely. At least he has you to care for him.

Today was weird. I went to my regular doctor who was basically a stopgap until I could see a real psychiatrist. He prescribed 10mg of Prozac. He wasn't sure of what else would help because he is a G.P. and depression isn't his field of expertise. He's a good doctor, I can tell he cares and wants to help.

A little while later my wife was able to wrangle me an appointment with an actual psych for later that same day. I went to this really bad neighborhood and this crappy little office to meet with the guy. It was uncomfortable. It felt like I was on an assembly line. He just recited some questions from a form and would kind of cut me off when I tried explaining exactly how I felt. I don't think what anyone of us are going through is uniform. There have to be shades of grey, individuality. Asking standardized questions seemed pointless, I understood why they needed to be asked but didn't expect that to be the end of our session.

In the end he prescribed 20mg of Prozac and Lamictal.

The whole time I tried discussing my dad with my normal doc and the shrink I felt this strange sort of detachment, like I was talking about someone else's life. I felt like it wasn't real. Then as soon as I stepped back inside my house I broke down because reality rushed right back in. It hasn't been that way, most of the time when I'm at work or out of the house I'm still emotional and raw. This time I felt like I was being clinical, like I was talking about "a friend" or something.

I'm supposed to go back to this hack doctor in 2 months to see how the meds are doing. I think I'm going to shop around for a new doctor in the meantime. Most of the places we called said 3 weeks so I'll make one of those appointments with a better doctor and try the meds.

This guy just made me feel unimportant. I don't know if that's how psychiatrists work. I was kind of naive I guess, expecting Sigmund Freud or a scene from a bad movie. You know laying down on the couch and everything. It was literally 10 mins of Q & A and a brisk "nice to meet you". Really pal? "Nice to meet you?". I wanted to punch him in the face...RAGE ISSUES!!!!

I feel like when someone is grieving as I obviously am and my psychologist said it's plain as day in my body language and appearance a psychiatrist could be more observant and not greet a person with "Hi, How are you feeling" and end a conversation where I just admitted I have little desire to live with "nice to meet you".

Sorry, I'm ranting a bit but it upset me. Everything upsets me in one way or another though. I'm one of three emotions now...angry, inconsolably depressed or robotic. I really hope these drugs help. They can't hurt much, I'm at the end of my rope. I told my wife I feel completely broken. I really do and it scares me, but I'm going to keep living, my Dad wouldn't tolerate me doing something stupid. Out of respect for him and not wanting to leave my wife with the hurt I feel I'm going to soldier on.

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stillfighting431

I know what you mean about the pics.Although they’re painful reminders of our irreplaceable loss yet they’re so precious that you want to look at them.

Sorry about your bad experience with the psychiatrist. I understand your anger & frustruation.No two individuals’re alike so you can’t understand their condition thru a standard questionnaire. That’s what I was talking about earlier, almost all the psychiatrists I’ve come across while searching for a suitable one for my dad, were very cold & distant. None of them actually bothered to listen to our problem. They just asked a few routine questions and scribbled away on a prescription slip. And talking about hacks, the first one that we went to wasn’t in that day. Instead we we’re met by his fresh out of med school, young , brash son who probably ‘inherited’ the practice from his dad. He prescribed dad very heavy sedatives which made him drowsy & unresponsive. His BP & pulse plummeted. When we complained about it he decreased the dosage. Yet dad most slept all day & didn’t seem to get any better. Again he made a few adjustments but no progress. Dad got even more anxious & agitated. When I went to him for help he told me to give dad the full dose of all the prescribed meds. I reminded him of how his BP & pulse had dipped before with high dosage to which he responded ,”This is no way to live for you or him anyway. It’s swim or sink time for him. He has dementia & depression which is only going to get worse. He’s going to unlearn everything. But you still’ve time. Go get married, start a family of your own & get out of this hell you’re stuck in.” You mentioned your rage issues, I wanted to bash his face in with the paper weight on his desk. It took everything I’d in me to keep my mouth shut & walk out of there. After that I stopped all of dad’s meds prescribed by that butcher & asked around till I found a wise & kind psychiatrist. It’s been 2 years now & dad’s getting by fine. Sure he gets a little confused & anxious sometimes but that’s normal for an 85 year old with age related health problems & recovering from a huge loss.

You should keep looking till you find a good doctor. Also research the meds prescribed to you before taking them So you know what you’re on & what the side effects might be. Just goggle the names & you’ll know everything. That’s what I do since I no longer completely trust any doc. anymore.

I too have felt feeling of detachment while talking about my mom. My sister always complains that I behave very differently with people when I’m out of the house. She tells me that I talk about mom as if she wasn’t even related to me. I appear calm & composed to others. It seems like that I’m doing fine after the loss & they can’t tell how much I still hurt inside. But when I’m at home with my family I’m sad & depressed. I think it’s a kind of defense mechanism. I don’t want to appear weak & pitiful to others. Most people seem to appear irritated when they hear how you’re still grieving .They just want to hear that you’re doing ok or they give you a sermon on being strong, accepting God’s will & moving on with your life. And that just makes me so mad. So I try my best to hide my feelings in public. I think that’s what you do too. Because if you really started talking about how you feel inside you won’t be able to keep it together & you don’t want to breakdown in front of strangers.

I too keep oscillating between anger, guilt & extreme sadness all day. There’re a few moments of peace in between but they don’t last long. So you’re not alone in how you feel. I’m hoping in time these moments of peace will start to last longer & I won’t feel like this forever.

Two days before mom passed the chief of medicine during his routine rounds told mom that she was very brave ‘cause she never complained. He said that she was very lucky to have children so devoted to her which is very rare these days. Mom smiled and said, “I know”. I miss that smiling face like crazy & everytime I think I’ll see or hear her again it’s like a dagger to my heart.Your dad too was very lucky to have you & your wife who loved her so much. And we’re both blessed to have known so much unconditional love & support which many people never do.

Hang in there.It’ll get easier to miss him & not hurt so much at the same time.His spirit lives on inside you so he’s not truly gone.

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Wow, I don't think any court or judge would have blamed you for braining that doctor with his paperweight. What a jerk! I know these guys are taught bedside manner in med school. I wonder where he lost his. It's crazy with these doctors, either they want to dose you up on meds so they don't have to deal with you or they talk down to you like you're some kind of moron. Then the next time they see you they don't remember who the heck you are. Like you I don't trust doctors, according to doctors my Dad's heart was healthy, well I guess not.

I just had a conversation with a coworker about 30 minutes ago and I was talking about my Dad. I was calm, rational and okay. I said "it's part of life", "time will help" and all that therapy-talk. As soon as it was over and he left I started tearing up. I felt guilty that I had reduced my loss to catchphrases. But reading what you wrote I think I get why I did it. I'm proud, I don't want people to see how hurt I am and think I'm weak. Plus I am not really friends with these people and I don't want them to be uncomfortable. If I said how I was really feeling I'd probably be out of work.

I hope your moments of peace progress and your anger and sadness subside. I guess "it's gonna take time" is the only thing we can take away from all this. I'm glad your Dad is doing better, that's really great to read.

I miss my Dad every second of every day, I'm still mad he's gone and I still don't see how my future is going to be happy without him in it but I know I'm going to have to live with that because there is no other option.

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Robb, I lost my dad unexpectedly on the 11th of this month and it is devastating. Like your dad, mine was the strong, stoic, superhero in my life. I'm having an opposite reaction than you are....I feel numb, have barely cried....I almost feel heartless. I wish I'd just have a meltdown and move forward. Instead, I feel stuck.

I've seen lots of psychiatrists over the years for other issues, and most of them are very systematic. I've only had one psychiatrist that was personable and interested in me as an individual. The questions are normal. That's their way of doing a basic evaluation. Usually it goes from there. They will always be short visits. The psychiatrists are the ones who prescribe and monitor your meds. The counselors are going to be the ones that help you work through your issues and process.

I hope things start to look up for you soon. Lean on your wife. This is really something that can bring the two of you closer together if you let it.

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Hi RobbG,

Thank you for sharing your emotions with us... in fact most of us don't even know who we are talking to, but for some reason we feel like -a relationship between family members when expressing our emotions from a loved one.

I could't NOT write to you for some reason... so here we go:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I want to talk with Robb the Man. The Man who "we" all admire, the MAN who always showed up; that same MAN who stood up and say "YES" to his beloved partner, his woman, his wife and his true-angel.... The kid was gone, a MAN was born."

-Yes it is true that for some reason, life decided to take your anchor away. You may not want or may not see the purpose at this moment, but deep inside you know there "is" a purpose. The 'true' purpose has no correlation with the departure of your father but the arrival of a new "MAN" - you Robb.-

-Now is your chance to replicate the good qualities of your father. He's and will always be proud of you. As you learned through his eyes, life may throw multiple challenges at you but you will be facing those only when life knows you are 100% ready to go trough them. You know, every challenge your Dad overcome make you feel proud; now it's your time.-

-As a kid we'll use others peoples anchors as we develop our own; it provide us a sense of Certainty. We learn values from those we love and admire, we replicate up to some extent their believes (what right and wrong) but there's a limit of pressure their anchor can withhold.-

-Your father is still leading the pack into the unknown (for many of us). He'll be always a leader, he's leading, creating the road to you to follow. Because he always loved you, he will always be there with you.-

-The only reason he called you "good Man", is because YOU ARE A GOOD MAN. Now, let's clarify that a MAN has additional responsibilities than a kid. You learned from your Dad the skills needed to master those additional responsibilities - Now It's Your Time to Really Show UP!-

-Make him proud; this process is not happening to you only (as you know). This process is also happening to your Dad as well.... and your beloved wife. Who you think needs to show up know? It might be unfair waiting for someone else to show up and lead, provide security, certainty, love, affection, admiration to those surrounding you and even to yourself. This is your family, it is your wife, it is your happiness, it is you and her spirit who's going through this process. Don't waste your time fighting around with emotions, these are real (up to some point) but you are the one who's in control of them.-

-Robb, you have nothing to do with your Dad departure. There's no way you have control of that neither is your fault; Man, there is no lie among the words "I'll see you tomorrow." That tomorrow will come... trust and believe his words.-

"Robb, please take care of your wife."

-You might think your father is not here for you but you do have the choice to be there for your wife. The only expression of LOVE is by Giving IT... not holding it back. You may 'feel' that your Dad is not there anymore, but please don't let your wife lose his step father and his beloved MAN... you may feel you don't feel your own presence, but you may still be present for her... Be Her Anchor!...-

"Hey Man, you have all the skills and tools (your own anchor - a replica from your father) to continue sailing your boat into new experiences, growth and opportunities. Look forward, you may see your Dad leading your (and your wife) way..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With Love and Passion,

Alberto

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stillfighting431

RobbG,

Thank you for your reply.It's comforting to know that my anger towards that crappy psychiatrist wasn't unjustified.Most people don't like to acknowledge their rage & guilt issues.Haven't heard from you in a while.How have you been ?.Did medication help?

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Sorry I haven't been around. Stressful weekend kept me away from the computer. The meds haven't kicked in yet I think. I'm still feeling the same. I guess now I know more about how psychiatrists work. I'm still going to find a new one, I just didn't like that guy from the start and I don't think that's a good way to begin trying to fix my brain. I found another one who might be able to take me in 3 weeks. By then hopefully the meds start to work and he can evaluate.

It's crazy though, when we were doing research on psychiatrists there was one that got like 5 stars on some website, when we called to get an appt, they said the earliest appt. was in MAY!!!! Another said he didn't take insurance and it would be $150 a visit. No wonder so many people kill themselves, there is very little organized structure to help people with mental illness. I'm not even talking about grieving people, what about schizophrenics? Do they just say "Ok take these pills and come back in two months" and trust that they will follow those instructions?

I had lunch with my Mom, she has a lot of unresolved issues because my Dad initiated the divorce because she made him miserable. In the last couple months, after dating some other guy, she decided she loved my Dad and wanted him back. She would call him all the time and beg and plead. He didn't budge but was always very pleasant about it. He still cared about her but the last ten years of their marriage was tough. My mom left him twice and just moved out leaving me to cook, clean and all that. I didn't mind, he's my Dad.

So anyways she's kind of crazy and is still talking about how she misses him and has dreams about him and wanted him back. It makes me pretty angry but I do what I know my Dad would want me to do and just tell her that they had some good times and to get on with her life and be happy. My Dad as much as he couldn't stand my Mom towards the end would always make sure I called her and checked on her, he would say "she's your mother" and I would respond "I had no choice in the matter, you did". But he made sure I did call and got upset if I didn't. He still cared but the love was gone.

My wife is very supportive and went along with me to see my mom. Thankfully because it diverts some of the attention off of me. It's weird being possessive over the suffering. I feel like if anyone should be hurting the most it should be me and I get kind of upset when my mom acts like she is the center of the suffering universe. We both lost him but I remained loyal to him my entire life and was always good to him, she can't say the same. I'm of two minds on her right now, but I'll be my Dad's "good kid" and keep in touch with my mom.

As for Alberto's response....

I don't know if taking away my Dad made me a man. I don't feel much like one. I did before when I started paying my own bills and got married and stuff. We were very different people in many respects, I'm much more reserved and shy than he was. As a youngster he was a partier, I've never been much for social gatherings. As a father he wasn't a disciplinarian or anything, he left most of that up to my mom. He was the threat, if I was bad my mom would tell my Dad. My Dad had a booming voice and intimidated the heck out of me. It was all I needed to right the ship. Physically we are polar opposites, my Dad was tall and big, I'm short and thin. All those differences but our likes and dislikes were similar.

I think my Dad taught me how to be a good father to a little league aged child and above.

I'm always going to be there for my wife, she's the rock right now because she was very similar to my Dad. She's taking control of our house. She misses him too, he referred to her as "his daughter". My Dad always wanted a girl and he said he finally got one when we got married. I love her for many reasons but a huge one is because she treated my Dad so well.

As for seeing my Dad again, I don't know. I'm not much of a believer in anything. I responded to an email here about why I am no longer a Catholic. It just wasn't for me. There is a lot of backstory to it. I wish I had faith that I would see him again, I think that would ease my pain a bit. It's just hard and there is no way to fake something you in your core don't believe in.

CCKline, trust me sometimes I feel stuck and emotionless, like a robot. At those times I do want the tears to flow or the anger to burst out because it does feel almost alien. Like you lost the most important person to you but you don't care. Of course you care it's just grief screwing with you. I think there is a huge misconception about those 5 stages of grief. I think most people think you go through them in order. Grief is messy, I've been bouncing around those stages like a pinball. Sometimes it doesn't feel real, like it was all some screwed up nightmare. Then I accept that it's true and irreversible. Then I'm sad, angry, emotionless.

When my brother died I was 11, I was told by a misguided uncle to not cry and be a man for my father. So I didn't I held that in. I learned to turn off my emotions. For 3 years it worked like a charm. I didn't cry, didn't feel much of anything. As soon as I started high school and things got rough (as they do when you haven't yet reached 5 ft in 9th grade) every emotion flooded me. I felt grief for my brother and guilt for feeling like I didn't care. It was insanity. Over the course of almost a decade I found I could turn off my emotions completely and just live. I became a robot for a time but every so often they would come pouring out and I would dive headfirst into depression.

This time I am not turning them off, I am going to feel every single second of pain I have to because I need to. I need to deal with this because this is the hardest thing I could possibly go through (I would hope so at least).

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stillfighting431

Yes mental health system isn’t doing enough to help the mentally ill.I never really understood it myself, till I'd to drag my poor dad from psychiatrist to psychiatrist.

Be patient with the medication. It’ll start to work after the concentration slowly builds up in the blood stream over time, usually 3-4 weeks. But not all anti depressants work for everyone. You may need higher dosage or some different kind if these don’t have any positive effect even after 6-8 weeks. When you find the right psychiatrist he’ll help you find the correct dosage & med for you.

You’ve every right to be possessive about your grief, because I think you were the one that loved him the most & I believe you were the one most precious to him as well. Must’ve been so hard to be nice to your mom when you're really angry with her for mistreating your dad. He sounds like a great guy, caring about her even when she did him wrong. I’m glad you've a loving, supporting wife to get you thru this all. We all need someone like that in our lives. For me it's my elder sister. She’s my savior. I'd have lost my mind if not for her.

90% of people find support & strength in faith after a big loss. But like you I too can't take refuge in belief that a loved one'll be waiting for you after you pass on, because I'm not convinced that there's anything left after the human body shuts down & brain activity ceases. The mortal remains're cremated leaving just ashes behind. So how's one to catch up with a loved one after their own demise. Being a student & teacher of science I can't wrap my brain around it. And even if someone could convince me that I'll see mom in heaven again, all I care about is here & now. It isn't enough to survive right here, right now.

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Isn't it funny how we manage to be so devastated, and feel so emotionless...all at the same time?

I feel like I've been bouncing around through the different stages too. A mess, like you said.

In a nutshell....this is a bitch.

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I find it strange that even people that know me well enough to be acquainted with my feelings about religion and faith try to comfort me with the whole "God's plan" and "Heaven" arguments. I do appreciate that they are trying to help me through a difficult time. However the execution is poor and falls on deaf ears.

Life hasn't convinced me of a higher power and my Dad's death damn sure isn't going to do so. Like you I feel like once my Dad's heart stopped and neurons stopped firing everything was over. I won't say I am sure because I'd like, no I'd love to be wrong and .01% of me has some hope that I am. I can't prove my lack of faith any more than someone can prove their abundance of it. If I am wrong it'd be great one day to see my Dad again, my two departed dogs, my grandparents, uncles, aunts, my brother but right now on this plane of existence those people are all gone and I am alive and I am hurting.

I am glad you have your sister to lean on as I have my wife. We are so unlucky with our losses but can you imagine if we were without someone to hold us up? It's impossible to imagine it being any worse than it is now, but I guess it could be.

It's difficult to see my Mom as it's been for a few years. She's still my mother and she was a great one for a lot of my life so I still have a lot of love for her. I guess you could say my "like" for her has dwindled. It's hard because I still see glimpses of the woman who raised me but there is just so much of the selfish, greedy person she became. As a kid I was always scared my parents would get divorced. Every time they would even raise their voices I would cry and beg them not to get divorced. By the time they actually did I felt relieved that it was over for my Dad.

I guess some backstory is necessary. My mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was 18. Before this she was great, happy and productive. After the diagnosis she became consumed by it. She was convinced she was going to wither away and die. Doctors told her she had the mildest form of the disease and wouldn't end up in a wheelchair or suffering. She has some symptoms, weakness in her legs for the most severe. However she is pretty healthy physically. Mentally she is a trainwreck. Since the diagnosis, she has let it ruin her life, her relationship with my Dad and with me. She stopped working because the stress was too great. She didn't go out and do anything besides go to MS support meetings with people far worse off then her, which convinced her she would end up like them. My Dad supported her financially and emotionally as best as he could.

Hurricane Katrina hit our house in Miami, it was only a category 1 when it hit but it rained so much that it flooded a good portion of the place. My Dad and I decided we had enough of dealing with hurricanes and Miami for that matter. As a family we decided we'd move to Las Vegas. My Dad liked the climate, he could retire and I could find work easily (before the economy tanked) and be closer to my then-fiance who lived in California. We moved there and my wife eventually moved in with us. We were all happy, except my mom. She never gave it much of a shot and 2 years later we came back to Florida because she was unhappy there.

I believe that was the beginning of the end. My Dad went back to work here (at his old job thankfully) and that was okay with him, he needed something to do, he liked the people he worked with. My Mom actually went out and volunteered for Obama the first go-round and did a good job. She'd work all day and came home seemingly happy and fine, showed no ill efffects. After the election it was back to moaning and staying in bed for days. One day she just up and said she was done cooking and cleaning, that someone else could do it. So I did, I started being the Mom of the house. I was working full-time and she was sitting at home on disability but I didn't think it was outlandish. She had taken care of me for my entire life and I could help. It was hard but my fiance (who had left her family in California to come back with us to Miami) helped and we managed fine.

After a few years of that my fiance and I officially tied the knot and wanted a place of our own. We moved out and my parents lost their buffer. They barely talked and just as my wife and I were moving out and my mom realized she'd have to take back control of the house she left. Just packed some stuff and walked out. I had a huge argument with her when she was leaving, I said a lot of things a child shouldn't say to his mother but they were all true. I was upset and had been protective of my father since he had a cancer scare a few years back. Now it seems ridiculous that a man who towered over me was protected by his smaller son when he really didn't need me to do so. My Dad was not a pushover, he was forceful, except with my mom because he loved her.

My Dad was alone, A few weeks later she came back and things seemed okay, as okay as possible. They moved to a smaller place but they never got along again. Eventually she stopped cooking, cleaning and driving my Dad to work (he couldn't see well enough to drive at this point). I would drive home from work, pick him up and take him to work, my Mom would pick him up from work. Every so often she would just not show up and I would have to wake up (I work 11pm-7am, so I am usually asleep at 3pm when he would get off work) and go get him and take him home. I would take him to all his appointments. Sometimes I resented the extra responsibility because I am an insomniac anyways and sleep is precious but my Dad but those drives were where my Dad and I became more of friends than father/son. To me the whole situation felt like she was preparing us for her ultimate departure.

Finally (FINALLY!!!) he demanded the divorce and my Mom immediately took off. She went and stayed with friends and refused to do anything for him or even discuss why he was filing. Their lease ran out about the same time my wife and I were set to renew ours. My Dad was going to go live with a coworker of his who was going to rent him a room in her house. My wife and I thought it would be better if we all moved into a bigger place together (we lived in a one bedroom apt) and that way my Dad could help with the rent for awhile and eventually babysit when we had kids.

My Dad was resistant at first because he didn't want to be a burden but I told him to not be stubborn and he finally relented. At his memorial the people he worked with said that they could see a change in him, that he was finally happy. He would talk about how good my wife's cooking was and how it was nice to live with his son. I know he loved my wife, they pretty much have the same personality. He was so looking forward to being a stay-at-home nanny, he wanted me to have kids immediately. I wanted to get a better job, I wish I had been more impulsive. We could have afforded it, I just didn't want my kid growing up with a security guard for a father.

All my life I've felt like I wasted my potential. I was in the top 10% of my graduating class and have a 4.0 in the years in took me to get my AA but I lack initiative. It's something my father had in spades. He was a guy who believed every day held an opportunity and thought I was wasting my life and brain doing a meaningless job. I agree with him totally. Eventually when this pain subsides I hope to honor him by finishing my B.A. and getting a real career. Just as soon as I figure out what I want to do with my life. Back to the drama...

My Mom and I didn't talk for awhile, I was pissed off at her. She would call my Dad at work and beg to work things out, say she loved him and would change for him. Then she would send me emails to tell him she wanted more money in alimony despite signing the divorce agreement. She threatened to take him to court over 10 more dollars a month. It was like she was two different people. I was incredulous, I never wanted to talk to her again but it was my Dad who told me to keep in contact with her. I know I said I don't believe in religion but the man was a saint.

About two weeks before he died my Dad and I fought. Us fighting was just us not talking to each other. It was over my refusal to call my Mom and his insistence that I do so. Finally I caved and we picked back up like normal. We never yelled at each other or apologized, we would just give each other the silent treatment and then one of us would finally say something innocuous, usually about the Yankees and things we normal again. That was how my Dad and I argued. Thankfully our standoff came to an end before he passed, if it didn't I'd be dealing with a whole host of other problems.

Sorry for typing out my whole life story here, I get a little carried away I guess. I held a lot of this stuff in, my wife knows the stories and was there to witness some of it but not too many people know because I don't share my feeling so easily (really, it's true) and have few people I would call friends. I guess because this board is slightly anonymous, at least to the people I know in real life I feel a sense of freedom to type the truth. Life is messy and my Dad was by no means perfect but I want to show a fuller picture of who he was and that was someone to admire. I wrote in a birthday card to him once that if I could only be half the man he was I'd be happy. I'm working on it and hope my future son/daughter one deal feels the same.

CCKline, you are absolutely spot-on, it's a bitch. I wish I could predict if I am going to wake up and feel like a zombie or a shivering, sniveling mess. I honestly can't tell you how I am going to feel in 30 minutes because this is all still so new and raw.

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I wanted to add one thing I forgot in my last titanic-sized post. One night when I felt particularly emotionless I actually watched movies that I knew would provoke an emotional response. I watched "Field of Dreams" and "Big Fish". I actually remember watching "Field of Dreams" with my Dad in the theater and baseball was a uniting factor in how close my Dad and I were. I cried like a baby and then wondered why I subjected myself to that when most times I am avoiding everything that reminds me of him. I guess I wanted to be emotional rather than emotionless at that moment. Sometimes I want to be sad and I am angry. Sometimes I am angry and wish I was sad. Sometimes I just wish I could sleep for years and wake up and this'll all be a distant memory. This grieving thing is so weird.

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stillfighting431

Sorry I’ve not written sooner. I hard very tough couple of days.

Yes grief really is a roller coaster ride of emotions. For nearly a year I’d go thru all the 5 stages of grief daily from dusk to dawn. Then there were days I’d be stuck at disbelief & anger, others when I’d a sobbing wreck or in a silent panic mode. It was exhausting. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I’d just grab some fruit or a sandwich whenever I could. I’d lie in bed as long as could, because everything seemed so hard. But I’d take care of dad too so I’d eventually had to get up & start a routine. I used to think that the 5 stages of grief didn’t apply to me ‘cause that just wasn’t what I was going thru at the time. But now a year & a half later I realize that in addition to all the emotions my conscious mind went thru all this time, my subconscious kept on processing the grief at its own pace. It has silently progressed from, denial, anger to depression .Didn’t experience bargaining probably due to my lack of faith. Don’t believe there is any higher power there to bargain with. I know that I’m now firmly stuck at depression. Acceptance is still eluding me.

I feel for your mom. She let her illness wreck her life. My dad’s kind of like that. He’s a very intelligent, creative person. An electrical Engineer by profession, he retired as an superintending engineer from the State Electricity board. He was stationed at Bhakra Power plant built on both sides of Bhakra Nangal dam which is one of the world's highest straight gravity dam. He helped in its construction & later in its maintenance & electricity generation. But all his wisdom & knowledge, he’s a pessimist at heart, a worrier & prone to anxiety. That’s the root cause of his depression. He’s the glass is hallways half empty kinda guy. He calls it being realistic but I believe that always jumping to the worst possible scenario is just neurotic. My mom was the direct opposite of him. She was the most courageous person I ever knew. She always knew just what to say or do to lift us all up. She’d always say, “ Hope for the best but always believe that you’re strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at you. A coward dies a hundred deaths each day but a brave person dies only once.”And she led by example. Although she suffered many hardships in her life but she never complained, never raised her voice to anyone & always put others need ahead of her own.

Putting your feelings in writing can be very cathartic especially if you know that no one is going to be judging you.Every one here on this forum is going thru the same pain .Must’ve been so tough to have such a huge responsibility put on your shoulders at such a young age. You must’ve missed her love & support so much. I think getting your degree is a great way of honoring your dad, although I don’t think there’s anything lowly about being a security guard or a teacher like I am. It’s just that a degree will help you land a better paying job. From the little that’ve come to know about you I think you were a good son & a great husband . I’m sure you & your wife will make wonderful parents. And your child will admire & respect you both as much as you did your own dad. Good luck to you both.

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Thank you so much for you for your kind words, I appreciate it so much. Your Dad and I sound eeirily alike in our philosophies. I'm kind of a glass half empty guy too. Your Dad seems like an impressive individual despite the pessimism. At least he got past the "nothing matters" type of thinking to accomplish something. Your mom sounds like a dream come true though. I bet she was a lovely person and I can understand why you are so hurt by her loss.

I sort of feel a disconnect from the mother I had when I was a kid who was very much that way with me; supportive, caring and nuturing and the one I have now. It's just the cards life has chosen to deal me. Sometimes I think I'm cursed but that would imply there was someone powerful enough to do so and like we've covered I don't believe that stuff.

I've sort of returned to a routine of sleeping and working. There's really not much else. I come home from work, struggle to get to sleep and then wake up to go to work. It's more than I could accomplish in the first month after my Dad passed. Friends are inviting me out and to their houses but I'm just not ready. Like every smile on my face has been forced since that day. I just don't know if I can keep up that facade for too long.

I can't say I have accepted what happened. I know it happened, I know it's real and I am never going to see him again. It's just that sometimes I can't believe it's real. It's still shocks me and I still expect him to be downstairs on his recliner watching TV. My anger is lessening but I'm just sad and blank most times now. I too think I skipped the bargaining part also due to lack of faith. There in my mind is no one to bargain with, if there was I'd be begging and signing whatever Faustian deals I could.

I don't think there is anything lowly about being a teacher, it's a noble profession and something I used to want to do. I was a substitute teacher for a time but those jobs pretty much all dried up. The market for teachers here is very slim so I've had to find another field to work in. I initially took the job substituting just to make money but one job a teacher was unexpectedly out for a week which left me to actually teach a roomful of 5th graders. There was no lesson plan or anything. When I started actually showing them how to do things and could see them actually absorbing it, it was life-changing. I don't know if I've ever felt better than that.

Being a security guard is not a terrible job but it's not brainwork. It's not even physical work. I mainly sit at a desk and I work the night shift so I don't really interact with people. I was meant for more than this. I've always known it but I lack ambition and motivation for some reason. This tragedy isn't going to miraculously transform me into a go-getter but maybe it will put things into a bit more perspective.

Again, thank you so much for your responses and support. You seem like an amazing person and my life is better for having interacted with you. Believe it or not writing has been cathartic in a small sense and reading responses like yours make me feel a bit better.

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I'm having sort of a strange reaction today, well more specifically last night continuing into today.

About a month before my Dad passed away he saw his cardiologist for his regular appointment. My Dad had high blood pressure for a long time. However he had stopped smoking, quit drinking and had been eating better since he had been living with my wife and I. The doctor did an EKG and when we went back for the follow up recommended that he be taken off the stronger medications he was on and put on something less potent. He said that his weight was much better and that his heart was healthy and strong. This was 9/22, on November 4th he died of what the medical examiner called cardiac arrest / hypertension.

I found myself all the sudden two months later fuming about the cardiologist. I started having an anxiety attack because I was thinking that this man killed my father. Had he been on his regular meds he might have been fine. How does a man go from healthy and strong to dead in such a short amount of time? Nothing had changed in his life besides his medication in that time period. I never blamed anyone for my Dad's death, never thought there was anyone to blame, except life itself. Now I think maybe there is someone to blame but there's nothing I could do about it. My wife suggested me making an appointment with the cardiologist and asking him to explain what happened. Like he is going to outright admit, "well I messed up" and open himself up to a malpractice suit.

I am not even thinking of suing. My first thought was something that could have gotten me arrested but I've calmed down since then. I'm just obsessing over the idea that this guy might have played a role in my Dad's death.

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stillfighting431

No it’s not weird. I’ve been where you’re right now. Our mind keeps processing the grief by analyzing all the facts & all the decisions ever made that led to the loss. When the shock , numbness & disbelief start to wear off, anger & blame creep in. I’ve blamed everyone & everything for my mom’s death. I’m furious with the local G.P. who treated mom for cough & seasonal rhinitis for many years. He never diagnosed it as a chest infection but labeled it as allergies or hay fever. I blame my mom’s surgeon who did a flawless job of her hip replacement but dismissed her fever & cough as bronchitis. He took chest X-rays, CBC, prescribed her some general antibiotics, nebulizing with respules. He assured us it was nothing to worry about, no need to run to a hospital. I blame myself & my sis too for not seeing the warning signs that her condition was not improving & didn’t drag her kicking & screaming to the hospital sooner. In my mind I’ve even blamed my dad for not being strong enough to support & guide us when we desperately needed help. I’ve often felt that with his nervous breakdown he took the easy way out, leaving us hapless sisters to care for not just mom but him too, stretching us thin & possibly affecting our ability to make wise decisions regarding mom’s treatment. But after 19 months of torturing myself, I realize that every decision made was done with best intent. Everyone including the docs did what they thought was in the best interest of their patient & for 90% of their patients, it was the right call. But my mom & your dad fall in that 10% where they never anticipated this outcome.

But I do think talking to your dad’s cardiologist about the things that’re bothering you isn’t a bad idea. I myself had a talk with mom’s doc at the hospital where she passed away & asked him all the things that were bugging me. I did get some closure.

All this blame & guilt was eating me alive. I was slowly losing my mind & it started to affect my health too. I realized that if I didn’t find some peace, I was going to make myself sick. I know it seems very hard but you must process thru it like you did with all the rest of your emotions & find a way to move past it. Easier said than done. If you’re as headstrong as I am then the only person you’ll listen to is yourself & that’s going to take time & lot of effort. Believe me I’ve been the permanent resident of ‘Whatifville” for over a year. It’s taken a lot of hard work & tears to move on from it. But occasionally I find myself transported there going over everything again from the beginning & it’s so heartbreaking.

Hang in there. You’ll get thru this too just like the rest of us.

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I am glad I am not alone in feeling that way. I came home in a rage about the doctor and it has kind of subsided. I think you are right though, the shock is beginning to wear off and I am feeling a lot different emotions then before, more focused ones. At first I was mad and upset at the situation as a whole. Now I am seeing more specific parts of the overall situation and it's got me all twisted up inside. I am glad you were able to move past your stronger emotions, especially the guilt. From what you've written you seem to have been an exemplary daughter.

I am still mad at the doctor and I am going to try to see if he'll talk to me but I would doubt it with the strict privacy laws and everything. He probably won't risk it for fear of a malpractice suit. I am sure they did everything they thought was right and like you said it probably is the right call 90% of the time. This 10% just ruined my life. I find myself getting angry at other people as well though.

For example, at work they send out an email to all the department employees notifying of a death in the family. It's as much for the bereaved as it is for the rest of the employees to know that upon returning to duty the person may be raw or emotional. Without exception I have seen this done for everyone who lost a parent, grandparent or sibling. It wasn't done in my case. So half of the people I work with know what happened and the rest don't. I am not one to share because just bringing it up could make me break down and at my job it would be looked upon harshly. I lost about 25 lbs to this point. I was never too heavy but when I came back people could tell the difference. Those who knew could tell I was not well, those who didn't made comments about going on "whatever diet I was on". It's not insensitive of them because there is no way they could know. I'm very upset with my job and feel let down, marginalized even, I'm told over and over how important I am here and how popular I am with everyone (despite my best efforts to remain largely anonymous) but I feel forgotten. So now some people treat me with kid gloves and some like nothing bad has happened and around the holidays the "Have a New Years" and "Merry Christmas" greeting from people were hard to stomach.

I don't know if I am being unfair with people either. My friends want to go do things, get me out of the house. I don't want to and I get short with them and frustrated when every other day I have to refuse some generous offer. Again, it's coming from a good place I just feel like they don't understand I am not up for game night or movie night just yet. I'm lucky if I can make it through a TV show without breaking down or just staring off into space. I don't have many friends and don't want to alienate the few good ones who genuinely care about me. However they haven't been through this and I don't expect them to understand but wish they would get the hint and back off a little.

The worst are people who in the aftermath say "Call me for whatever you need". It's a nice sentiment but their mouths are writing checks they have no intent on cashing. I am having some car trouble and one of my friends knows a lot about them (I do not) so I called to ask him to pass by to please check it out. It's been a week and he promised to come by Saturday, then pushed it to Sunday, then never called on Sunday or showed up. It's rude to begin with but in this situation it's really angering me because he was another "Call me for whatever" person.

I know I'm emotional right now and not thinking entirely clearly but I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water and it's a struggle. I finally got an appointment with another psychiatrist and put on a different medication Cymbalta. I've only been taking it a couple days so it's not going to take effect yet. What worries me is when I eventually get off of this stuff (if it helps at all) are all these feelings going to rush back like a tidal wave?

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stillfighting431

I agree, sending the email to other employees about a death in one’s family is indeed important & not doing that is insensitive & insulting. You should talk to someone in charge of that & let them know how hurtful that is. I understand you don’t like talking about your feelings at work but keeping all that anger inside is damaging to your health.

And your dad’s doc. might not tell you the whole truth but you’ll at least know more than you do right now, that’s if he agrees to talk at all.

25 lbs is a lot of weight loss especially for an already lean person. Are you taking some solid foods along with juice & vitamins? Losing any more weight isn’t good for your health. Moreover when you’re not eating much your blood sugar’s always low which worsens the depression. At such a point you should be eating some comfort food once in a while & not starving yourself. I know that you’re not hungry most of the time but please try to eat something nutritious & fulfilling at least once a day. It’ll help you to feel less miserable.

Yes close friends mean well but they can’t understand that you just want to be left alone to deal with your loss & that anything else is just too much to handle right now. Perhaps your wife could explain this to them & ask them to give you some space for now. Grief is a daily battle & it’s take a huge toll on you. It’s funny how it takes a big loss like this for one to realize who ones true friends are. It truly separates the wheat from the chaff. They’re the ones who do little thoughtful things for you that you never even asked for. The ones making only empty promises aren’t truly your friends at all. After being thru so much the one silver lining is that now I know who I can count on & who to avoid at all cost. I lost & made many friends thru this ordeal. But the ones that I have now are the ones to hold on to. I’d rather have a handful of trustworthy friends than a roomful of hypocrites.

I looked up Cymbalta(duloxetine HCl).It’s the same SNRI my dad’s been on since August 2010 along with some other meds. It seems to have helped him. Dad told his psychiatrist that he was very apprehensive about eventually discontinuing his meds for the fear of plummeting back into depression. His doc. assured him that he’ll gradually reduce his dosage to a low maintenance dose which he can keep on taking for the rest of his life just like his other meds for hypertension, arthritis, and osteoporosis etc. He’s now on 20mg of it daily in divided doses. It isn’t a magic pill that has made his problems disappear but it has helped him deal with his anxiety a little better. It stops him from hitting rock bottom & bounce back quickly from panic attacks .

I’m hopeful it’ll do the same for you. I’m sure that once you start to feel better you too will be given a low maintenance dose & you can finally stop taking it if your doc. recommends it. It’s you who’s doing all the work of dealing with your grief. The drug just takes the edge off. So don’t worry about the consequences of stopping the med. When the time comes you’ll be able to deal with it because you’ll be better by then.For now give the med a chance & concentrate on healing yourself.

Also try to take some time out to do something you enjoy, a hobby or any kind of recreation. I know it’s seems meaningless & frivolous when you’re sad & depressed but it’ll eventually help lift up your spirits. Just find something that isn’t too hard to do, doesn’t need much concentration & you can lose yourself in it for a while. Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you don't believe it right now.

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I figured I'd update this thread and give some insight to how I am doing as I've been here since almost the day my Dad passed.

I'm still very depressed. Meds are cutting down on the anger a bit though. My grief counselor is pissing me off though. She says to only try to think of my Dad at certain times of the day. Like set aside twice a day to think about him. It's impossible, thoughts of him flow through me like water. I can't stop it, I try to distract myself from them but I can't keep them at bay for long.

I feel like I know he is gone for good but sometimes I still expect him to be there when I come home. Despite my wonderful, supportive wife I am alone and feel so empty and hopeless since I lost my dad/best friend. I want to die some days but know it would just hurt my wife and disrespect my Dad's memory. I just get so down at times. I cry less but I feel empty more. I feel like I am on rails, just going through the motions of a living person. People talk to me but my mind is elsewhere.

People have stopped asking how I am, I guess 2 months is the normal period that coworkers feel you should be sad over the loss of your father. I see a lot of people differently now, people I called friends never bothered to give their condolences. I am trying to let go of all the anger in my heart but I always seem to find someone to be angry with.

I know my life will never be the same, I wish I had faith to fall back on but I don't. I didn't believe in God or heaven before this and I damn sure can't now. I've lost pretty much everyone I love and if I did believe I think I would be raging at the Almighty.

My wife is trying her hardest to reintroduce me to the world and the good it has to offer but I don't really care for it. I want to shut myself in my house and never leave. I wish I could quit my job and stay home. I don't care to see friends or anyone. I know this behavior isn't healthy but it's what I feel. I'm not doing well but I am trying, I will continue because it's what my Dad would have wanted for me. When things got tough he told me they would get better. He was always right and I believe in him and his words. It's just a matter of time.

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I almost can't believe it's been almost 4 months since I updated my post. I look back on those words and as sad as they may they were probably the most positive thoughts I have had in awhile. I was on medication which kept me pretty numb but I'd rather feel the full weight of this loss than be numb to everything. I cut out the anti-depressants but kept the anti-anxiety pills since it was effecting my work.

I miss my Dad as much as the day I lost him which was on November 4th. Things don't seem to be getting better. Every morning I come home I break down in tears, I miss him so much. I tried therapy but that didn't go well either. It just felt like I was throwing my money away hearing the same thing over and over. It's not like I don't know time is the only remedy. I know everything that is going to come out of these psychiatrist mouths and nothing is going to be the magic bullet that will pull me back to reality or to living.

I feel like I died that day. I haven't wanted to live since. I'm married, we were planning a family and I was considering a career change. Now I don't care about anything. I find myself not giving a damn about my life, even though I know it's the last thing he'd want but we were best friends and he was my Dad and it's just not fair.

I don't even know what the point to posting this is. I just don't know what to do anymore.

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Yesterday was 4 months since my dad has been gone. Tuesday was my first birthday without him calling and leaving a cheesy voice mail of him singing me happy birthday. It stung. Part of me feels like the hurt is never going to heal, but I'm lucky enough to have the kiddo's that need me..and that keeps me going. My husband too...it really affected him, and he went into a funk of depression. That was really hard. Robb, your wife NEEDS you. And you need her. Be sure not to push her away during these hard times. If you let it, it will bring you closer. There's nothing that you can do to "fix" it. It's so final and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. It sucks. But we have to keep going. That's what my dad would INSIST that I do...and that's what your dad would want too. Try living your life in a way that would honor him. Maybe working towards accomplishing something for him might help. ((hugs))

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Lostwithoutmum

Robb, I feel your pain...and I know exactly what you mean when you say 'I'd rather feel the full weight of this loss than be numb to everything'...While being 'numb', it's agony unspent - more pain and anger seem to build up inside of me waiting for a breaking point...just like a rampant beast..

I have lost my mum recently and I have been having a real hard time being around people, All I want to do is withdraw: get back home and cry. I especially find it hard to be around anyone who thinks their trivial problems is something I can give a toss about....I mean excuse me, do you honestly think I care? I simply don't ...I lost mum, and this is all I can think of at the moment...

I don't think it's their fault or mine: what defines depression to me is far different from what defines it to them..we have no common grounds..and what weighs me down and triggers my grief is far beyond the grasp of a peron who has not lost a close person...I don't blame them but I can't take an interest either. In fact I feel stronger in the sense that 'small' issues no longer affect me..but I know this is at a massive cost....So unless something is personally meaningful to me, I can't focus...but I have been able to read books, work, talk to close people about it sometimes...

Like your wife, my fiance has been really supportive and understanding as he knew/loved mum but our plans are on hold currently...

Getting married and sharing life with him was all I dreamt of before mum passed- now it's a struggle to talk about it, or to think about it. But I feel that love for those we care about and care about us can help a great deal...

I also agree with CCKline your wife needs you and you are so right - your dad would not have wanted you to suffer. He passed on so much love and care to you and he continues to live through you...

Thinking of you

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I don't know what to do. I know my wife needs me as much as I need her but I feel like I am burdening her and things have turned contentious at times. She was very supportive but I feel like she just thinks this has gone on long enough. She's never lost anyone in her entire life, even her 97 year old grandmother is in pretty good health. I've lost everyone I've cared about and the few that aren't dead don't care about me. So I feel death differently than her, I know it.

She thinks I should just snap out of it and she says that I am "not trying hard enough", I've tried meds, therapists, shrinks. I don't know what else to do. My Dad was my best friend and my father, I can't snap out of it. I don't give a (sorry for this) **** about holidays or other people's kids parties or seeing anyone else. I just want to be left alone. It's hard being around people because I want them to be happy but I know I am basically just a black cloud. I don't feel or look happy and can't fake happy right now. So I don't want to do these things like go to my goddaughters' bday party.

Today we started arguing about all of this and I told her I told her if she wanted to leave me then okay, if it is what will make her happy than fine. I'd miss her for sure but I don't want her to be miserable and I have no ETA on when I am going to be my old self, maybe I will never be. I yelled "my Dad died!!!!", I don't know what she wants from me. She acts like I am the bad guy for not wanting to have fun and enjoy life, sorry but MY DAD DIED!!!!!!! I can't enjoy anything.

I am trying to live in his honor, trust me if it wasn't for that I'd be dead too. I don't believe in an afterlife or a God or anything. I just know it would dishonor his memory if I did something stupid to myself. Honestly if someone were to come in with a gun right now and point it at my head I'd probably laugh my ass off rather than be scared. I just don't give a damn anymore. I wanted all this stuff for my future and it all involved my Dad because he was my last touchstone to a happy childhood, he meant the world to me and he was my hero. Now I just have a wife who thinks I should just "get better".

I'm sorry if this is bitter or angry but I am in one of those moods right now. I just seriously am unhappy and don't see many options. I can take the meds again and feel like a robot but in the back of my mind feel this immense pressure building up or I can stay off and be a miserable person who I don't think anyone would want to be around.

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Lostwithoutmum

You know Robb, much of what you say hits home...

Well, you lost your dad, your best friend, and it is totally understandable that you are unable to focus on anything else right now...this is life-altering because he meant so much to you..the bond is so strong that death can't end it, time can't...the vigor of it will last....

I am also struggling with my new feelings and state..

Sometimes I think of my fiance. In a way, I feel sorry for him because he must be experiencing this sense of loss, although to a lot lesser extent...He must be feeling that he is losing that 'old' me that he had known for 10 years and surely he's having a hard time adjusting to my depressed mood now, no one wants to see the people they love depressed .

Grief just seems to overshadow every other emotion...and creates this sense of distance: between us and those who are incapable of feeling our losses simply because it's beyond them, and between us and those we love because we are unable to 'get better' and we don't want to get them down ..

Life is so unfair and so treacherous but don't let it beat you...just think of what your dad would say ....

Hang in there...

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I don't want to hurt my wife but I don't know how to relate to her any more. It's like explaining Algebra to a dog, or to me (I suck at math). I don't know exactly what emotions are running through my head at each moment. Sometimes I am pissed, sad, blank. It's never positive I tell you that. I think she bought into the idea that "Time heals all" and that it's been enough time and some progress should be made. She's very analytical when it comes to everything. But how can you measure how much time is appropriate to mourn the most important person in your life.

It took me 20 years (from 11-31) to properly handle my brother's death. However this time I am not just pushing down those feelings and pretending everything is all right. This time I am feeling everything because I don't want o be like this forever.

I could go back on the meds and be a blank slate. I could feel "better" but I am not sure if this makes any sense I felt like a a tidal wave a the back of my mind, like an immense pressure threatening to bust through that medicated level of sanity the meds provided. They made me more agreeable to do things and probably easier to be around (less fits of crying) but I also found it hard to feel everything else; happiness, empathy, pretty much anything besides BLAH!!!!!!!

Now I am off I am spiraling right back to where I was when I found him dead. I am a mess but I am going to work, I am eating, I am doing the basic things I have to continue existing. Anything beyond that is impossible right now. If she can;t understand that I don't know what's next for us.

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Lostwithoutmum

No of course you can't set a time limit for your grief, and no one should expect you to. It's not like a little scratch, it's a deep wound, an open wound that bleeds everytime you touch it with a memory, with a thought, with a wish...

Being off is my worst nightmare now too, because the things I always looked forward to doing when mum was around remind me of her, just like a coat she put on so often does...and I don't have the pressure of putting on a brave face in front of colleagues and not making myself prone to sympathy of strangers- so when I am on my own I just get it out of my system,I let loose my grief: I cry, I stare into vacuum, and do nothing...I take off this social mask and breathe a little, It is understandable....

I know you know no words can help in such situations but we are all in the same boat, so just get it off your chest when you feel like it

Thinking of you

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Thanks for your words and understanding. I'm trying my best to "progress" and get better but every day is just a struggle. People who don't know or haven't been through this all think they have the answer. Time, Jesus, meditation, just think good thoughts, etc etc etc. I think pretty much everyone is just wrong. Grief is individualized, what makes me whole probably isn't going to work for everyone. Time may work wonders but for me it's making things worse, I'm almost 6 months removed and it feels just as raw and every day feels like I am going through the motions. Like I am playing at living instead of actually doing it. If this was a movie I'd be "Human being #4" in the credits.

I am not going to lie and say I am never happy, there are fleeting moments where I "forget" and allow myself a laugh. I couldn't do that at first. So there is a little progress for you. However I thought I'd at least feel like I want to wake up when I go to sleep by now. I still don't really care one way or the other. It sucks to hear (or read) for those who care about me, but it's true. I would never actually try and hurt myself, it's too selfish and would disrespect my father's memory. However if a bus came careening my way I don't think I'd be as quick to leap out of the way. I'm probably full of crap and I am sure my preservation instinct would take over and I'd make The Flash look slow.

I don't know, I don't know what thoughts are real and what's a product of my grief. This whole "process" is insane. The Kubler-Ross stuff is all messed up, I've cycled through that a hundred times backwards and forwards. The meds only delay the grief and made me feel like a robot. The therapists just repeat the same jargon over and over. What's the point of all this crap? I figure I just have to keep living with it until the day I wake up and feel better. That's pretty much what happened with my brother's death. Unfortunately that day came almost 20 years later and I wasn't nearly as close to my brother as I was to my Dad.

I'm still alive though, I'm still trying. I wish you all the best in the world.

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Lostwithoutmum

You can't choose how you feel, and you don't need to: the hurt is profound. We can only try and get through everyday, carrying this full weight of grief with its varying shades of intensity. We need to live it and express it whether by laughing, crying in the security of our privacy, pressing on with our goals - and in every step of the way honoring those who mean the world to us..

I know what you mean about people trying to comfort you in the wrong way..it doesn't help at all, I would just let it go in one ear and out of the other...

It's scary how long it took you to cope with your brother's loss....I know it might take a lifetime to process your dad's loss but this is it: learning how to live with this loss ...

Nothing will ever fill the void special people leave behind them, but I would also like to think of the 'legacy' they leave that will help us survive

Just keep on trying...wish you all the strength and patience you need.

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Hi Robb, my mom died in January, we really lived for each other so I think I can relate to what you are feeling. The only thing I do is work. Then I go home and lie in bed. It's hard to think about the years to come and my mom won't be here. It's funny because I've felt too that if someone threatened myself with a gun or something like that, I wouldn't really panic.

I don't think six months is a lot of time, or that you should be doing better by now. I feel like when we lose someone we love so much, we are left with something that's like a huge bleeding wound. We deal with people, talk to others, work, but inside we are bleeding, and no one who hasn't experienced it can actually get it.

You talk about your wife, how she thinks you should be doing better by now. Don't be harsh on her for that, I guess she misses the person you were before your Dad died. That's not possible, since you are changed, but try to see it a bit from her point of view.

I'm here, trying to give advice when I'm in the same place you are in, not sure I can help anyone when I can't help myself. But there has to be some hope, right? We are still here, living, so that must mean something?

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Thanks for your responses and I apologize for my delay in writing back, I've been busy at work.

Things are still so tough. It takes so little to set my temper ablaze. I feel like I am just a hair away from snapping at all times and lashing out at the world. I'm trying harder to get my wife's perspective and took her to one of my psychologist sessions so she could see that I am not just refusing help. I'm trying to get better but I lost my father and my best friend. It's hard to lose one of those, but both is immeasurable I find little joy in waking up, I've always been easy to please. Give me a TV, a movie or a video game and I can just entertain myself for hours. Now I find no joy or solace in any of those. I get distracted by my own thoughts and it seems like every TV show has a father dying in it recently (ie How I Met your Mother and New Girl) so it's hard to move past when everything reminds me of him and our relationship.

The stress from work and now our upcoming move is not helping matters. I don't handle moving well and I know it's going to be hard. I still can't shake that thought that I don't actively want to die but if It was to happen and I saw it coming I probably wouldn't be too scared. Now that's probably B.S. and I'd jump like crazy to avoid it but walking my dog on a regular morning those are the thoughts that go through my head. I want to be better but I just don't see how in a world missing the most important man in my life. I know he was destined to die before me, he had already lost a son and losing another would have hurt him so he had to pass before me. However the way he went, how happy he was the day before, how there was no indication that anything was wrong and the events after I found him (unsuccessful CPR and panicked phonecalls to 911) just hurt so much to remember and it's impossible to block them out.

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Lostwithoutmum

Hi Robb, you just reply at your own pace, in a way, I am pleased you are busy at work as this can distract you even for a little while...

I just hope the move goes smoothly for you - you don't need extra pressures.

Involving your wife is a good step.

I understand how you feel, I really do, who doesn't want to get better, but it is not always in our control, not when feeling low is because of such a massive loss...It just feels like our beautiful worlds have been struck by an earthquake and shattered into a million pieces....we want to piece ourselves together, others want us to - but it is simply not easy....

I don't know, but isn't it any solace that your dad was happy the day before? I know the unpredictability of the our losses is shocking to us, but I would have died a 100 times if I had known I was going to lose mum, I would have broken down in front of her ....On the other hand, yes I do wish I had the chance to show and tell mum how so special she is and how loved she will always be..I just know she knows...

I suppose it is not easy either way...

Let us know how you are doing when you can.

You are in my thoughts

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