I Am Just Grieving...

[hurleyta]

Thanks Jeff,

I know that James son is grieving hard and that he cries when he is alone. He is IDENTICAL to his father. James had a hard time crying, but I know that many men do. I started to make copies of all of the pictures that I have of James, and am asking his family to do the same.

I used to fight and scream at my parents. They I got clean and sober and we had to start all over and now we have our ups and downs, but not like we did befor. I love my parents and it took me a VERY long time to tell them that. Growing up I was not able to express emotions or to feel. It took many years of counseling for me to be able to do it and know that it is ok.

I went to my first Bereavement class yesterday. It was really good. I am so glad that I went. I was told that you have to be careful of which ones you go to, as some are not so nice. This one is a 3 week class and we are talking about the Bereavement Cycle and about what to expect out of it. From what they say, and this is in NO WAY written in stone, but the first 1-3 years are the years we feel the most messed up. Like I said some people never stop grieving, some get through it faster, but on the average, it is 1-3 years. I can't fathom that, as I think that I will be one that grieves forever...

James mom is not taking his death well in any way. She had to go to a doctor to be put on some meds to be able to sleep and we are all very worried about her. I wish that there was more that I could do for her, but I am having a very hard time myself. I call her and let her know that I love her and am thinking about her. I have been sending her little cards and such as well. I live 1300 miles away from her, or I would be stopping over to sit and talk to her in person. I told her that I would come up in February or March as she keeps on asking me when I will be there. I am also going to have her come here for Easter this coming year. She says that she needs to get away for a while, but I know that even when I go away, the pain follows me... I didn't tell her that, but it does for me.

Well Jeff, I have babbled long enough. You are in my prayers.

Trish

[wildwestwoman]

Hi..My grief is just as real as everyone elses...I can really relate to Nancy..I too lost my husband in May from lung cancer. Someone tell me how to see light at the end of this dark tunnel?...thanks..

[nancy55]

I don\'t know if there is a light at the end of this long tunnel. Some days I feel\"ok, it\'s getting better\", then, it hits \"damn, I\'m a mess again!\'.

I have found myself, after almost 6 months of losing my husband, and 2 months after losing my brother(my best friend), things aren\'t easier. I feel they are really hard now..due to the holidays. I can\'t stand being in the crowds shopping. I don\'t have the patience for that nonsense, esp now. Christmas is not about gifts..it\'s about love. And this Christmas, my heart is broken because I have lost 2 very important loved ones in my life. I wish all of you peace and comfort and love this holiday season. I know everyone here is suffering and I pray for you.

God bless, Nancy55

[wildwestwoman]

Nancy...a year i can't wait for it to be over..I lost my dad in sept 04, my sister law in feb of 2005,and my beloved husband in May..I often too wonder what it is going to take to heal..Some days are better..yet some days it's a struggle..my brother said some people have nightmares when they sleep..our nightmares start when we wake..I'm sick of the it takes time, your tough, and all the other things people say..I find relief knowing I'm not the only one who is suffering..It's a path in life I wouldn't wish on anyone. After being a caregiver for eight yrs and taking care of my children I find my life has changed to just one person and a vast realization that this is not what i thought it would be in this time of my life...but each day I awake and try to think positive..and try to keep my husbands humor in my life..I wish you the best and all who are in the same situation..For life has no answers..just more questions I am realizing...Thank you all..WildWestWoman..JoAnn

[annietina220]

Hi,

Here I am and here comes another Christmas without my best friend in the entire

world. I am finding harder to cope this year being that I will be moving out

of this area right after Christmas. I guess I feel guilty about leaving her beind on top of the guilt of not being there for Tina when she needed me the most that night. Plus, hearing that the lead singer of the band (Great White) who helped kill my best friend and 99 others (Station Nightclub Fire 2-20-03) is going to be a father soon and will enjoy his little family while I and the others feel nothing but loss and pain and anger knowing

he and Mark Kendall will not see one day in jail but they will let their tour manager take the fall for following orders made by them. This man will spend the rest of his life in prison while they live it up....Real fair huh?

How can I not feel angry and depressed over this?

I MISS MY BEST FRIEND TINA AYER!

-Annie

[wildwestwoman]

Christmas..A time for reflection and the many blessings we have..I hope all have a safe holiday and please take time to reflect upon the many people who have left our lives..For we must carry on..even through tears, and memories of the loved ones we lost..For a first Christmas without my love is tough, but Im going to be strong for my older children..they need the support of their mother,no matter how hurt her soul is..They say the first holiday is the worst..I think everyday is a reminder of what I have lost..Happy Holidays to all..and take a minute to remember our loved ones..for they may be gone..but never forgotten..keep the strength folks..) JoAnn

[suelowe]

in 2 months (march 31) it will be 2 years since my mum died. saying my mum has died just feels like empty words. god it's hard. there's a hole in me that i feel cannot be filled for a very long time. the pain is like a dull ache, but it's a very deep ache.

i want to know that she loves me, and that she's on holiday. maybe she'll come back from her holiday on Easyjet. i hope she does. acknowledging her death is one thing, accepting it throughout my entire body is another. i'm not sure i can do it. i don't take anti depressants because i know it will hinder the grief process. words don't really do anything at this point. i'm just aching.

sue

[bubupig]

Hi Sue,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum. My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband on 15 Nov 2005 - he was killed in an accident at work.

I know exactly what you're saying - because I feel the same way.

I can't register that Craig is really dead - in my head I know he is but the rest of me hopes that maybe he is just on holidays or something and will come back. I just continually argue with myself over this. I had to identify Craig's body and I am thankful for this because I know without a doubt he is gone - if I hadn't viewed him, I think I would have created a believable story for myself that it wasn't really him or his body was switched or something like this and firmly believe one day he will reappear in my life.

I don't think any of us are sure whether we can do it - and each day is a complete struggle and some days are really really really bad and others days a bit more bearable. I didn't think I could go a day without Craig and yet I'm still here 11 weeks later. I thought I'd just sort of gradually fade away to nothing. And you've been doing it for almost 2 years already - you should be so proud of yourself. I bet your mum would be.

Look after yourself Sue, if things are getting too bad for you - don't think ahead, just deal with today, or this minute, or this hour. You will get thru. Just take time out from it all every once in awhile and do something little that you used to enjoy or relaxes you. I have a bath every now and again - it doesn't take the grief - but it is soothing and gives me some "down time".

Hugs,

Becky

xxx

[judy29]

Hi..My grief is just as real as everyone elses...I can really relate to Nancy..I too lost my husband in May from lung cancer. Someone tell me how to see light at the end of this dark tunnel?...thanks..

[suelowe]

to Bubupig (Becks), thank you for your very kind words, they mean a lot, more than you think. I've been searching for my mum, trying to find her physically. i want to talk to her in person, hear her saying she loves me. i talk to her in my head and i dream about her too.

i never realised how weird grieving could be, it makes you do strange things, and in my opinion, because it wont register all the way though, the auditory senses are hightened, so i can hear her. i've got dozens of emotions mixed into one. i've been thinking of taking anti depressants, but at the same time, ive come this far. it's one of the most painful things i've gone through, and still going through.

i'm really sorry to hear you lost your husband through an accident at work. Like you, i had to view my mum's body. i knew she died due to illnesses, but i wouldnt have believed she died until i saw her. i don't know how you felt when you saw your husband, because everyone feels differently, but i felt like jelly, numb, exhausted, my body didn't feel as though it was working. a couple of hours after her death, i just stared into space for a long time and cried without realising it half the time.

thank you again for the kind words, it's good to know there's someone out there who can identify with emotions of grief.

God bless you becks x

sue

[Guest Guest]

Good Evening –

Your site moderator has given me permission to post on this site.

First, let me say that I have no intent of insulting anyone, causing harm, or to making anyone feel uncomfortable.

I am a doctoral psychology student preparing a term paper on death and dying. My main concern is to include in this paper the feelings and comments of individuals like yourselves. I am not currently in your position, so I will lend myself to your concerns, feelings and intents. This information will be used to comfort others who are dying and in need of comfort.

If you feel comfortable please respond to this post, if you do not I understand and I apologize for the intrusion.

Bahiyya Amh-Shere

[wildwestwoman]

Christmas..A time for reflection and the many blessings we have..I hope all have a safe holiday and please take time to reflect upon the many people who have left our lives..For we must carry on..even through tears, and memories of the loved ones we lost..For a first Christmas without my love is tough, but Im going to be strong for my older children..they need the support of their mother,no matter how hurt her soul is..They say the first holiday is the worst..I think everyday is a reminder of what I have lost..Happy Holidays to all..and take a minute to remember our loved ones..for they may be gone..but never forgotten..keep the strength folks..) JoAnn

[wildwestwoman]

To The Guest..I would seriously be interested in your prospective about death and grieving for those who had to go down that path...For I think it would be an immense eye opener to see how people like us try to cope with the daily struggles of being the ones left behind..thanks..JoAnn

[wildwestwoman]

Christmas..A time for reflection and the many blessings we have..I hope all have a safe holiday and please take time to reflect upon the many people who have left our lives..For we must carry on..even through tears, and memories of the loved ones we lost..For a first Christmas without my love is tough, but Im going to be strong for my older children..they need the support of their mother,no matter how hurt her soul is..They say the first holiday is the worst..I think everyday is a reminder of what I have lost..Happy Holidays to all..and take a minute to remember our loved ones..for they may be gone..but never forgotten..keep the strength folks..) JoAnn

[suelowe]

Dear Guest

i'd welcome your views on death and how it affects people. Welcome to the site and the board.

sue

[sunbiter]

To the doctorate (GUEST),

I have just lost my father to cancer on March 12th. He was elderly, had had esphogeal cancer three years prior and has just sucumbed to cancer throughout his body. But for the cancer, he would still be a strong man and alive (he was water skiing until he was 72).

He had a strong faith and belief in God and served his church for many years. The last few months were painful and the last couple of day he was heavily drugged with pain killers.

I offer you this; I belive in God and an existence here after. I believe this due to the logic of nature and the scientific statement that..."nothing ever disappears, it merely changes form". I can't help but see this in everything around me. Therefor I believe my father is in a better place without his pain. I cry for losing him, I cry for my mother's loneliness after 64 years of marriage. I cry because I could not talk to him the way I always wanted to talk with him. But I believe he still exists. And now I will talk to him when ever I need to. I believe he will hear me. He will probably not be able to do anything, but he will hear me.

[btrcup]

Dear Guest, I lost my husband to colorectal cancer on Oct. 1st 2005. He was 43 and I am 41. We have 2 children, ages 9 and 5. The worst part of my husband's impending death was telling the children. I had to bring them to the hospice center to say goodbye. That was the hardest thing for me to do.

[Guest Guest]

Dear Guest,

One thing that happens when someone dies that no one really mentions is the loss of other relationships because that one person is not there to make the connection anymore. It's not so different I suppose than what happens sometimes when people divorce. But it's worse, because it was never your desire to end the relationship with your loved one, yet you are often treated like a pariah just for continuing to exist. (Or so it seems, anyway.)

For example, when my fiance died, all contact with his daughter was cut off. I didn't dare to contact her, for I knew her mother would never allow me to be a part of her life, since her father had to fight for his rights as a parent while he was alive. That was seven years ago and it saddens me to know that I couldn't be there to share her grief or see her come into her own. She's not a minor anymore, but I feel there's no point in trying to reestablish a relationship with her. She's moved on, I hope, as she should, yet the loss of that potential relationship still saddens me.

Now, I have a new partner, whose 26 year old son died this past June. His son also had a son, age 3, but now grandpa won't ever see him again because the mother was not on the friendliest terms with his son and has left with no forwarding address. If he wants to find his grandson, he would have to hire a private investigator to find them. And for what purpose? He can't force the mother to let him see his grandson. So he lost not only his son, but the family line.

These losses are coals on the fire of an anger that just can't be assauged. I'm sure other poeple have had similar experiences.

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone. I'm so glad I have found this site. I'm posting this here because maybe someone can help me...

I lost my Dad in July 2005 and am still greiving badly. I don't know what do do.

I was always closer to and had more in common with my Dad. Although he was not demonstrative I think he loved me. My Mother I'm not so sure. My Mother is prone to blow-outs, not speaking for no apparently reason and other strange behaviors; things I didn't really want my kids exposed to but was willing to take the chance so they could have the experience of grandparents.

Last year (2005) at christmas my mother picked one of her classic fights. The gifts we gave them were crap, cheap, showed we disrespected them—how dare we spend so little...yada yada...and proceeded to hang up on me and refuse to take calls from me or her grand-kids (7 and 3) for 4 months.

I patched things with them (with much difficulty) by easter. It became increasingly apparent that my usually robust Father was not well. He had lost weight, was having low back and groin pain night sweats fevers; all things his doctor was blowing off as arthritis and the "scourge of old age". He refused to go back and "bother" the doctor any more with his problems but continued to become sicker and sicker and more and more depressed. My Mother for her part thought he was malingering and felt that if the doc said there was nothing wrong—that that was the final word and he was ok, so he should get up off his butt and stop complaining. After he dropped anther 10 pounds in 2 weeks, I took the two of them to an emergency care unit (my father couldn't walk by this point and one leg was swollen up like a balloon!—I was sure he had a clot!) so he could at least get another opinion.

Things started happening as soon as he saw another doctor and in a few days he was dxed with lymphoma and began treatment. The oncologist told us it was a small lymphoma and very treatable and after a couple of weeks he seemed to be coming along really well. My mother doesn't drive so i was shuttling her back and forth to the hospital him to chemo, but it felt good to have answers and what looked like a positive outcome in sight.

Then, out of the blue my mother shut us down again. No contact. Wouldn't answer phones, the door nothing. My brother who lives with them did the same thing. It was freaky and scary to loose contact at this time and I flipped. I kept calling every few days, leaving a message, checking their house, emailing my brother...but nothing.

At 2:10 am on July 4 2005 my mother finally called me in a panic, my father was dead (or looked like he was) what should she do? My 42 year old brother — useless screaming in the background to not go downstairs, don't look at him! I called 911 threw clothes on and raced down there to catch the EMT guys working on him but it was over, He was gone.

Massive stroke. Maybe because of the chemo. He was on blood thinnners but...

I took care of the arrangements because my Mother and brother were unable to. Over the next few weeks I tried to talk to my mother but again nothing.

And nothing since. We sent her flowers on her birthday and Easter and she chased the delivery person away with a broom. She told my husband she never wanted to see us again. She hated the chilren, she would call the police if we tried to make contact...crazy stuff. Meanwhile, my brother that lives with her will not speak to us either.

Although our relationship was rocky, I feel I've lost both parents at once, my kids have lost thier grandparents, thier uncle, my brother. Suddenly i have no family.

I miss my father so much and I am devastated that i was not able to say goodbye.

No one seems to get it. They thinnk, because he was 80 years old, it should have been expected. I think I should be over it all by now.

I'm seeing a therapist and my family doc has been helpful but I feel so lost sometimes.

thanks for listening.

Sandy

[poppy8]

Hello Sandy,

Seems that you have had so much to cope with and after the exhaustion and shock of it all, then the emotions do come to the surface far more. This I think is very nature and an essential part of the healing. It will take a long time, but as a friend said to me, it's like you are going round and round a mountain, in and out of the shadow, but as you go round - each time you are a little nearer the mountain top and the hard times recede bit by bit.

You not have had your father's death but also are experiencing rejection, a kind of loss too, by your mother and brother. This is so sad. When there are other issues around a bereavement, then it makes it so much harder. My husband committed suicide and circumstances around that make it doubly hard.

As you say, your mother seems to have some deep-seated emotional issues. Has she had a difficult past or had bad experiences as a child? It might be that she is deflecting anger and frustration towards those around her, that really is about someone else or something in her past. Just a thought. It seems that she has difficulty coping, and I think Sandy although you often get the brunt of it, it probably isn't you she's frustrated with at all. I hope that helps a bit.

I wish I had been able to reply to your post sooner.

Love

Poppy.

[poppy8]

Hello Sandy again,

I made a typo - sorry -

You not only have had your father's death but also are experiencing rejection, a kind of loss too, by your mother and brother.

Sorry.

Love

Poppy.

[nicolebrooke]

My brother died 6 yrs ago and for the first year or so I got alot of support online. He died on a Monday and I used to be consumed with grief every Monday, and every 27th of every month, his b-day and every holiday and everytime the family got together and he wasn't there.

Now, it is more lifes milestones - when he would have turned 21, graduated college. When my other brother got his drivers license. It seems as time goes by it brings more ways to miss him. I still think about him every single day.

[jryansmom]

My brother died 6 yrs ago and for the first year or so I got alot of support online. He died on a Monday and I used to be consumed with grief every Monday, and every 27th of every month, his b-day and every holiday and everytime the family got together and he wasn't there.

Now, it is more lifes milestones - when he would have turned 21, graduated college. When my other brother got his drivers license. It seems as time goes by it brings more ways to miss him. I still think about him every single day.

I thought it was just me. Since my son died in January on a Friday, I feel like im having panic attacks and now his Birthday is today on a Friday he would have been 19 and my head just feels like it's spinning.

[nicolebrooke]

Dear Jryansmom,

Birthday's are so hard. I remember those feelings, the overwhelming sadness and feeling like you just want to scream it out. Do what ever you need to do today I say. And know that it will get easier.

my heart goes out to you

[godeksmom]

My name is jeanie, I lost my son Christopher, 21, in a car accident 2 weeks ago, May 26,2006. His friend was the driver, he was speeding, i am in agony, also agry at his friend, he lived, lost an arm but he is talking to friends about getting another car, (this was not the car in the accident) the owner of the vehicle was a passenger at the time and was also killed.

I am comsumed with pain, sadness, anger...i have another son 17, named Brian he was always moody and hard to talk to, Christopher was my best friend, now i realize i have hardly had any relationship with my other son and i dont know him at all, he was always angry at me for something, now he's angrier...i have tried 2 therapists already, they did nothing for me, no interaction, i am going to a licensed social worker through my local hospital that deals with people who have suffered trauma, lost people to murder, etc.

Please help with some advice.

I went back to work, but it's so hard to concentrate and not cry all day, alhtough staying home is unbearable, he still lived at home and his stuff is everywhere to remind me of him. I kow he would like me to forvgive him friend for this, but i can't he was driving out of control (no drugs or alcohol involved, just plain stupidity)

please help

jeanie

I live in Queens, ny, (close to manhattan)...

thank you

[suelowe]

i'm finding it difficult to get my life together at this moment. my mum's been gone 2 years and i can't seem to gain structure in my life. it's so weird. when she first died, i remember walking up and down the road to the shops, or simply pacing up and down for something to do. two years have gone over but im finding it difficult to structure my life as a whole.

i recently found out things about my mum's life which has triggered loads of feelings. it's hard enough dealing with grief, let alone trying to find peace in my life. i get panic attacks sometimes and find it hard to deal with the big gaping hole my mother has left me.

sue

[nicolebrooke]

suelowe

Hello. I remember feeling that way, just totally shattered. I lost my younger brother to suicide. And I can relate to your finding out things about your mom that are difficult to deal with.

As you can imagine my brother was very troubled and he kept alot of writings and other disturbing things in his room that we found. I felt guilty for a long time because I didn't realize how much he needed us and I didn't try very hard to help him.

I hope you find peace in your life and a way to go on.

[michellemarie]

I lost my mom 4 days ago to terminal cancer.She had known for a long time that she had cancer but just wanted nothing to be done to cure it. She had cancer when she was 31 and just prayed to god to live to see her kids grow up. She did and saw 10 grown granchildren and 3 greatgrands besides.

She called me up afew months ago and asked if she could come up north and be with my family and die.My little sister sent her up and she was here a week and fell 4 times. I pleaded with her to go to the hospital and she finally relented on the 7th day.

She was in the hospital 2 weeks and they in turn told me how much the cancer had spread.From there I placed her in a nursing home(one I had worked at for 6 yrs). She was there for 20 days and died.

My mom put me in charge of her affairs and those 3 weeks she was here I was running everywhere.I watched my mom slowly die.From talking one day to seeing her mom and dad by her bed.

Funny thing though,the day hospice said this is it we all stayed for 5 hours being with her. I had to leave to go cook dinner and I told the nurse "watch my mom go when I leave cause she wouldn't want an audience" and that is what she did!!! They called me 10 minutes later.

The first 2 days were easy to get thru.I guess I was in shock; but now I feel my whole world has collapsed. I sometimes just think she is down south again. Other times I just want to be quiet and not talk. The pain in so unbearable. She was my best friend. I know I did everything she wanted me to do and for that I feel proud.But the other part is beith there and watch my mom leave me forever.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Michellemarie, I am sorry that you have lost your mom. As I read what you wrote of her life, I thought how beautiful a life she was blessed with, to be able to see ten grandchildren and three greatgrandchildren. We're all here to listen and help each other. I understand you when you say the pain is unbearable. Even though there may not be an easy way to get through the process of grieving, each part of it is a growing stage for us emotionally. May you have what you and your family need for today.

[michellemarie]

Thank you Jennifer for your words. I find myself apologizing for being so quiet these days but my family understands.I talked to my sisters and they said I am having the hardest time because I took care of her and watched the decline of our mom.

That is true but I feel such a void.. I feelempty like a part of me is missing.I came back from the store the other day and while driving I cried and asked my mom what would I do without her. That night she came to me in a dream and whispered in my ear that she will always be with me. That has given me solace.This sadness is so overwhelming.

[princessdss]

I can't seem to enjoy life and my kids or my family..I miss my dad and I can't see how things got to be SO SCREWED UP...My mom fell in my backyard on Easter weekend and by Memorial day she was not any better,so I took her to my local hospital thinking she broke her tail bone only to be told on July 9th she had SPINECANCER and that it was Metaccious...my father as I was shock..my father told me by having it on the computer as he researched it at my house...my father was not one to "tell comforting ways" as I dealt with this my mother grew sicker,my father was in my mother's room on July 23rd and thinking he had a heart attack,only to be told he had ADVANCED 4 cancer of the lymph nodes and lung and within weeks my father passed away..august 7th 2006..I am grieving for my father now being ONCE A DADDY'S GIRL and now my mother who should have been the one to pass on but did not..as horrible as that sounds..it was all about her and how how did my father go undetected??and why and how and the holidays HOW DO I GET THROUGH ANOTHER ONE...Labor day was torture and now NOW THEIR BIRTHDAYS OCT 8th and 17th...how do I even get through this??HOW??

[lightoftheworld]

Hi. I wanted to be on this board to let you know how I dealt with my grief and loss. I didn't know which forum to join. They all are such a help to people. Please, if the moderator will allow me to do this: I wanted to share my story with you, but it is so long, that I put it on my site builder. Is it okay if I give my web site address? I wrote it so I could be of some help to people, people who lost someone they love, people who grieved and had pain for a lot of different reasons - I know loss comes in many forms, not just from death.

I hope this web site will be read by anyone here who needs it, and that I will have permission to leave it on. I pray that it blesses everyone who reads it, even if it's in some small way.

http://mysite.verizon.net/vzesahto/

[Guest Guest]

I need some SERIOUS help for my Husband. Things are definitely spiraling out of control.

On July 22nd 2006 his best friend shot himself and my husband was the one to find him. He left behind a wife (who has NO family) and 3 kids. My husband has taken on the role as caretaker for her and her family. Helping her with her vehicle problems and other issues around the house. That is fine and I totally understand...but, he is getting FRIED!!! He just keeps saying that he is tired and feels like he is being pulled in 10 different directions!

He is self-employed, no regular income, our house was in foreclosure and just last weekend he decided that he doesnt want to be married anymore...He is tired of trying. He has been totally withdrawn and understandably so, but it seems like he is trying to get rid of me so that he doesnt get HURT again. We have 4 kids, 2 from us and 2 from his first Marriage...he has always said that he NEVER wanted to get divorced again. HE WILL NOT GO TO A COUNSELOR and I cant figure out how to get him to go. He doesnt like to be touched and WILL NOT GET CLOSE TO ME!!!!!!! He is NOT talking with anybody about this, he just would not come home and sleep in his truck and work through things ALONE!!! He keeps saying that it is not because of his friends suicide, but I know it plays a big role. We have always had are problems, but we have usually been able to work through them. I am at a loss and dont know where to turn???? Please help!!!

[messenger]

DEAR PRINCESSDSS.....HOW ABOUT GETTING SEVERAL BALLOONS..GOING OUT SOMEWHERE IN OPEN FIELD...........WRITING MESSAGES ON BALLOONS..TALK WITH YOUR PARENTS AS YOU LET HE BALLOONS GO FAR UP INTO THE AIR AND HOPEFULLY YOU WILL FEEL PEACE ON THOSE DAYS AND NOT ALL SADNESS................PLEASE TRY IT..LOTS OF PEOPLE DO THAT AND IT SEEMS TO HELP..IT IS A WAY OF LETTING GO AND ALSO A WAY OF GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR PARENTS......MAY THE LORD FILL YOUR HEART WITH HIS PEACE ON THOSE DAYS ESPECIALLY

MESSENGER

[princessdss]

i don't know what to say or do today..i seem to be in limbo..i went to see my mom yesterday and my aunt said Friday the hospice came to the house and said one week for my mom..one week..you mean 7 days on this earth is all I have left of my mom!!WHY WHY HOW//I am angry that she did not have the will to fight the cancer or wanted to stay here longer to be with me,mike and the kids...the grandkids who she always loved and adore..how could she want to be with daddy??i just lost him august 7th and now she will follow..how do you lose two paretns in the the same season the same year the same time and go on with life their birthdays are approacing oct 8th and 17th and i can t feel but sadness and grief and angry and so ALONE...i feel like no one at 39 should lose their parents..all the memories and all the pictures I can t go on with out them this year this holiday this season of autumn why did they not fight the cacner they did it have to be terminal why why why

[treadingwater]

I am finding it hard to get much done. Especially things that don't have a firm deadline. My amazingly wonderful husband of 18+ years passed away unexpectedly on April Fool's Day 2006. We had such goals and plans and were always on the go. Now, I feel like being still is part of this process. Still, I wonder how still is too still? I am up and going every day, not sure WHAT I do with my time, as I seem to get only half(or less) of my goals completed. I feel sometimes like I am wading through mud, or just standing in the rain, figuratively. Is this considered a normal part of the grieving process?

[Guest Guest]

I lost John on July 29th of this year and I am having such a hard time with it. I have dealt with death and dying most of my adult life caring for the elderly and when mom and dad passed I grieved but nothing like this. I don't want to do anything I want to just be left alone at times but it never seems to happen. Everyone says I need to go out and do things, I should be over my crying but I can't stop, I lost my husband and my best friend how can you just stop missing him in less than 2 months. Am I crazy or is the rest of the world?

[alwaysmyjennifer]

First, I'm sorry you have lost your husband and best friend. No you can't just get over this in a few months. It's not even remotely possible. My daughter Jenni died in 96, and although she was adopted and I only heard of her death a year ago, I'm still in agony, and cry constantly. Although John's dying was all about John, this time of grieving is all about you. One hundred percent, perfectly all about you. It is your grief, and only you can grieve it. No one else can tell you how or when. Only you. With this said, I will tell you there are stages to grieving, so you know they are going to come along your way. The first is denial, when we say "no, it can't be". this is our heart protecting us from what truly happened. Second is anger, blowing up about the death. It's a "kneejerk reaction" to the denial, or a pendulum swing. Third, bargaining, when we try to beg God to have them back, no matter what we have to do. I've offered God everything, and Jenni's still gone. Fourth, Depression, also known as the deepest stage of grieving. This is where we do the most serious grieving. Last, Acceptance, when we finally come to terms with our loss. I hope this can help you some. My thoughts and prayers are with you, for what you need for today. Mark, Jenni's dad

[jpshad]

Some people just don't understand. Of course you are still crying. I lost Jon on 8-4, not long after you, and I cry every day ususlly more than once. I need to be alone sometimes, but it is not good to isolate. I do have my days when I don't want to be bothered and just stay home, but I try to go out after work and especially on the weekends, because we all need a little break from our grieving. I also lost my mother and I grieved, but this is very different. I lived with my husband for 22 years and he was my life, and, in an instant, he was gone. Our whole life changes. So, I've come to accept that this is going to be a long process, but still try to live life and get out of the cloud. Joyce

[elizabethjames]

it's called GOOD MORNING! just a little daily reminder to let yu know that... (I AM GOD!!)Today Jesus my son,the Holy Spirit and Myself will be handling all of your problems.Please remember that I do not need your help.If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,DO NOT attempt to resolve it,for these situations and battles are not yours,so kindly put them in the (SFJTD) box(something for jesus to do)and it will be addressed in My time not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box,do not hold on to it or attempt to remove it.Holding on or removal will delay the resoulution of your probem.If it is a situation that you think you are capable of handling please consult Me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resoultuon. Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber,there is no need for you to lose any sleep.So rest my child,if you need to contact Me,I am only a PRAYER AWAY...FOR I AM YOUR GOD AND THERE IS NOTHING TO HARD OR IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO DO I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH! GOD

[seekingpeace]

I'm so glad to have found this forum, and not a moment too soon. For years I've felt a deep, almost frantic yearning for some assurance that life and death have a meaning. I want so, so badly to be at peace with not only death, but life. And right now, that yearning is worse than ever because my dear sister was diagnosed with both HIV and a brain tumor. She has always been my best friend, even when she was married to an abusive husband who hated the thought of her caring about anybody but him. She is a loving aunt to my daughter, who adores her in return. And she has a little boy; he's so beautiful. Yet she's too weak and tired most of the time to take care of him and her ex, who despises us, will only allow very limited contact under his close surveillance.

My sister experienced very little happiness, in part because all of us came from a horribly dysfunctional family. Both of our parents were addicted either to alcohol or drugs, both were abusive in different ways. Our father was physically abusive when he lived with us, but when he left he was hardly involved in our lives. He paid child support dutifully, but that was about it. My mom took all the child support and blew it on drugs and partying. She was a nurse and worked graveyard shifts and had to sleep pretty much all day. She had very few days off but when she did, she spent it at the bar for the longest time. Then she met someone, and they became involved so much that all of her free time was spent with him, shut away from us. Which we didn't mind, because when she went through opiate withdrawal, she would threaten suicide and wrestling a gun from her hand became a 'normal' part of life.

I have two sisters. We were each other's support, but I was especially close to J. (sorry for the initials! you know, privacy and all). Honestly, she was the only one whom I could count on. When mom was going nuts, we faced it together. When I was sad, it was she who listened even if it was over something petty, like when my first 'boyfriend' dumped me when I was 14, and I couldn't figure out why. She was the pretty sister, and all the boys liked her. And they'd make fun of my for my nose, but she didn't put up with it. She would always tell me, "you hate yourself because you think you're ugly, but even when believe you're pretty you're still looked at for what's on the outside, so really it's no different". To this day, she gets annoyed when someone compliments her for her eyes, and not for what she thinks or feels.

She met her future husband when she was 15, and they married when she was 17. For seven years, he beat her, and tried to rob her of her will through mental abuse. My mother allowed him to live with us for fear that J. would run away with him to another state if she were to kick him out. That was always his threat. This is how life was pretty much all the time: he was a heavy pot-smoker, and if he couldn't afford to support his habit, he'd steal from us or threaten my sister if she didnt' hit my mother up for money. One time he went two days without his drugs, and he became so enraged and distraught that he held us hostage in our own living room. He told us that "this will end in two ways. Either I will kill all of you and then myself, or I kill J. and myself". All this because we had the nerve to intervene when he was beating on my sister. He broke her nose, he forced her to wear baggy clothes so no other man would look at her, and he treated everyone in the house like garbage the entire time he lived with us.

Then, they had their child. Something in my sister that had been dormant for years came back to life after that, which was her strength and her will. What finally ended her horrible marriage was when in his rage, the husband pushed her, not caring that she would land on their newborn baby. Fortunately she managed to avoid falling on him, but she knew she needed to get away for the sake of her little boy.

It still took about a year and a half after that incident to get away, but she did. The emotional wounds didn't seem to heal, however. She tried so hard to find happiness, doing the best she could to raise a normal, healthy son but with no frame of reference to go by. But she did a good job. She did everything her husband and mother didn't do, and she seemed to get it right. But she was hurting inside, terribly. Two years after the seperation she became addicted to drugs, and the little boy she once devoted all her time to, who was joined at her hip was suddenly being left alone in the apartment while she would seek heroin, coke, anything to numb the pain.

It enraged me. It made me cry. It broke my heart and I felt so much sorrow, so much frustration. I can't even begin to tell you how painful it was to see my sister's hopes being dashed to pieces by the choices she was making.

She went into rehab last year. Her boy wentto live with the abusive ex, who at least doesn't abuse their child. At least, we don't think. She cleaned up, but began feeling very weak and sick and was beginning to have mysterious fevers. We wondered if it was lupus because our uncle has it. But it's definitely not lupus.

My sister is trying to pick up the pieces of her life and even became involved with a man, who she said made her feel like she was worth something, and truly loved for the first time in her life.But he died of a drug overdose this summer and that's how we learned of her relapse.My mother accepts her relapse, saying that the Doctors don't take her pain seriously and so she must use heroin just to deal with the cripplig pain she's in. And I actually feel confused, because I've never experienced such chronic, terrible pain. So I force the issue out of my mind. I think my heart will literally break in two if I have to handle any more crap.

I spend a lot of time thinking about those few months when I'd wake up in the morning, hearing "Bob the Builder" on the television and seeing my sister cradling her toddler in her arms, just the two of them, in a quiet moment of tranquility. Those were the moments when I'd look at my sister and feel a sense of hope and gratitude. There she was. Holding her son. And she would talk to me about how she read this parenting book, how she took her son for a walk and they would collect autumn leaves together, and he would surprise her with flowers and a song he's sing "I yuv my mommy, wowy much, I hug my mommy, wowy much...".

And I can't figure out what we're supposed to learn by having that hope, those moments of contentment and security, robbed from us.

I know my sister made mistakes. But I know why she did what she did. And I wonder, what is the meaning to all of this?

I told her everything I just wrote in this post. We cried together about it. She wrote a letter to her son today and hand-delivered it, with me at her side. When she saw her son, he ran to her and wrapped his arms around her neck as tightly as he could. She told her son "I love you so much, and don't ever forget that." Her husband yelled at us the entire time, but she didn't let him get the best of her. She stayed there, holding him and talking to him.

And that moment, I'll never forget.

She may not be here much longer. I'll cherish every moment I'm with her.

But I'm already reeling with grief, trying to make sense of all of this. And while this might sound so simplistic to some of you, knowing that God is there and that everything will be okay in the end is something both I, and my sister need more than ever.

Thanks for reading and sorry this is so long.

[jamiedawnsmom]

Seekingpeace, Wow is all that I can say. My thoughts are with you, your sister and her little boy. I don't have answers but I do believe that there is something better out there than the life we are living now. My daughter thinks this is our hell and we have to go through hell in order to get to heaven. Sometimes I agree with her. Like I said, I don't have any answers, I just choose to believe in the afterlife and that it is something we'll all welcome when it comes our time.

Take Care.

Renee

[Guest Guest]

After Mom's Suicide...

I found it necessary to seek a very Time Efficient Resolution to my Grief.

What is the most time efficient process for healing?

http://www.blessyourthoughts.com/truelyblessyourthoughts.htm

[seekingpeace]

Seekingpeace, Wow is all that I can say. My thoughts are with you, your sister and her little boy. I don't have answers but I do believe that there is something better out there than the life we are living now. My daughter thinks this is our hell and we have to go through hell in order to get to heaven. Sometimes I agree with her. Like I said, I don't have any answers, I just choose to believe in the afterlife and that it is something we'll all welcome when it comes our time.

Take Care.

Renee

Thank you so much. Sometimes just hearing a few kind words makes all the difference.

[Guest Guest]

Hello..... I have lived my whole life with my mother, the last six months was spent in a hospital. The only time I left her side was long enough to take a shower. I just lost Mom about 10 days ago, and I can't breath without her. I don't know what to do. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I feel like I can not live the rest of my life without her. I am trying to find a support group in my area to help, but not having much luck. I just can't stop crying. I don't know what to do. Betsy

[messenger]

DEAR GUEST....I AM SO VERY SORRY TO HEAR YOU JUST LOST YOUR MOM.........IT IS VERY HARD.BEEN 10 YEARS FOR ME AND SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY.YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE...........KNOW YOU WILL FIND SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT HERE.TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.........TALK TO YOUR MOM..SHE IS STILL WITH YOU..I PUT PHOTOS OF MY SON EVERYWHERE SO I CAN SEE HIS FACE WHERE EVER I GO..IT SEEMS TO HELP..SHE WOULD WANT YOU TO GO ON...IS THERE ANYONE YOU CAN TALK TO CLOSE BY..DO YOU GO TO CHURCH..THERE WAS SO MUCH PEACE FOR US WHEN OUR SON DIED AT CHURCH...........YOU MIGHT CONSIDER GIVING IT A TRY............YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS ..WRITE ANYTIME..WE ARE HERE FOR YOU AND WE ALL HAVE WALKED THE WALK YOU ARE WALKING ONE WAY OR ANOTHER...........

LIFTING YOU UP.........IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Betsy, I am sorry you have lost your mom. Getting through the first days are so painful and difficult. Please try to rest, and to try eating as well. It's important that you try to take care of yourself. We share many tears here on BeyondIndigo. My daughter died in 96, and I still cry my heart out for her. The people here truly care, so you are among friends. We all take the time to read what what people write, to truly listen to what they say, and we try to help when we can. If you are looking for a support group locally, you may want to try finding The Compassionate Friends. They have a website, so you may find a local group. In my circumstance with my daughter, I found a closed group for parents who have lost a child by murder. To be with others who understand is a great help, especially in the early stages of grieving. Please take care of yourself. Try to do something to make yourself feel special and good, to nurture yourself. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Mark, Jenni's dad

[michellemarie]

Betsy, I know what you are feeling and my heart goes out to you.My mom died on July 25 2006. The first 2 months I just felt numb and tried to go on.The last month I have been on the verge of crying all the time. I relive her last week and it replays over and over. My mom was my life.I dreamed about her two days after she died and she came to me and whispered that she would always be with me. It does give me comfort but I need my mom her.. now..

All the repressing my feelings has caused me to have unexplainable abdominal pain and was hospitalized. I am now on stomach pills and just put on ativan because I have lost control of my grief. Please follow what alwaysjennifer has told you. Reach out, cry,pound a pillow, go to counceling. Grief is hard and losing your mom is the hardest thing to go thru. Always remember the good times and that you were there for her when she needed you most. That is love!!!

I was there for my mom till the end. I do not regret it. I did everything she wanted and for that I am proud of.My family is too and has said that repeatedly.

God bless

[mybetsy]

Thank you all for your kind words. I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night (tuesday) at Hospice. I think the Compasionate friends group is for parents that have lost children, not for children that have lost parents, there is not much out there for the loss of a parent. I hope to find some help at this meeting, I can not go on this way much longer, I am dying inside. I thought I knew what is was like to have my heart broken before, but nothing compares to the broken heart that I have now. I can not see how I can go on without her with me. Like I said before, I lived my whole life with my mother. I have such a fear that is over me all the time..... darkness.....please Jesus help me.....give me strength....... Betsy

[suelowe]

This probably sounds quite daft, but as my mum passed on 2 years ago, i met up with a close friend of my mum's (this friend cared for my mum and they formed a good friendship). My mum and her friend were really good friends and they would talk for hours at the nursing home. I said i would post her a photo for a nice memory. . I have just done so and i felt quite bad. Not bad at posting to the friend, but I felt bad because it felt as though i just 'lobbed' my mum in some post box. Its only a copy of her photo, but it's got my mum on it and as a result i'm feeling tearful and sensitive.

I miss my mum an awful lot, and as we're heading towards my birthday and christmas, i feel sad and almost everything around me is just making me irritable and scared to face the loss of my mum. i'm not sure if i'm getting better or worse. sorry, just had to vent.

sue