I Am Just Grieving...

[swede1]

I'm facing the feelings surrounding my wife's terminal illness, and her reactions to me. My daughter died from the brutality of a rape, and I'm distraught over her death. My wife is angry at me grieving for my daughter, frequently ordering me to be "happy or else." She is also threatening to terminate our marriage, so I can be free to move on and find another woman with whom I can "be happy." Recently, she has also named a few of my female friends and ordered me to ask these ladies to marry me so I can be happy and our children will have a "good mother" after she's dead. Needless to say, I'm very upset about these things, and I'm at a total loss about what to say or think. Her behavior has been like this for so long, she's driven me from a hopelessly devoted husband to a man beginning to think of ways to protect myself in a divorce. This rationalle frightens me. If you have any ideas why a dying wife would do this to her loving, devoted husband, I will appreciate hearing your wisdom.

Tinasdad,

These are just possible theories on my part and I could be entirely wrong, but your wife sounds very angry about things, possibly her impending death (and I'm very sorry for your losses, both past and present!) and maybe even the energy she feels you're giving to grieving your daughter when SHE wants all that energy for herself now. It sure sounds though like she's got a whole ton of unresolved issues herself that maybe she doesn't think she'll have time to come to terms with....and they're coming out as anger and impatience. Perhaps you could ask her, gently, about things she might be afraid of? There's a wonderful book called "Who Dies?" by Stephen Levine that, although it may not jibe with your particular faith, I found to be very informative and insightful about dealing with the dying. I used some of its simpler principles with my Mother, even though she wasn't yet at death's door when I last saw her and it made a huge difference, for both of us, I believe. It kept me from getting upset at any of her own forays into anger and if you'd told me I COULD act like this at the time, I never would have believed it! I plan to reread it again, it was so helpful on so many levels. Perhaps you could also seek counselling for yourself about dealing with dying from a hospice counselor or someone else trained in that field? It sounds like you might need a lot of expertise to get you and your wife through this with any sense of peace about the process. It also sounds rather like she might be feeling guilty about adding this burden to your marriage and previous loss, and just wants to run away from it all, hence the "be happy" mantra. I can only begin to imagine how horrid it would feel to be told I, personally, was dying, and not suddenly or easily, either... but I'd think it would bring out the absolute WORST in me until I could deal with the whole concept in a different way. And I know I'd be wanting someone around who truly understood what I might be going through, rather than reacting to my irrationality. You may not be in a place yet to deal with this on your own, so if it was me, I'd get help outside of these boards as well, as this is no easy life-changing process you're in right now. I hope some of this might help you - I'm almost at a complete loss as to what else to offer. Blessings to you, Tinasdad.

[tinasdad]

Swede1, I'm going to copy and paste your post to my processor, and save it. You obviously have seen a great deal of death's pain to have such wisdom. I greatly appreciate what you said. I'm going to get a copy of the book you suggested, and read it. I am of Christian faith, but you can tell that, most likely. I'm also open enough to seek wisdom where wisdom lies. I'll be out of town this weekend, so I hope you have a pleasant weekend. If I can find the book, I'll read as much as I can, and share my thoughts on Monday. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom with me. Mark

[tdubslilsis14]

I'm only 14 years old. How much stress can adults put on you at this age?? I have no idea, but for me its a lot!! Making me believe I'm the cause of other peoples pain ....making me feel guilty for just plain hanging around them......I then go to my bed at night and cry myself to sleep. Sometimes its feels I wish my eyes wouldn't open. Maybe people would be much happier. Being stuck in the middle of this makes me hurt so bad inside. I guess when u see me I'm usually smiling on the outside, but what you don't know is that I'm wanting to cry on the inside. People tell me to be strong......i try...but its hard. I think it would make everyone happier if I just locked myself in my room for the rest of my life.....It feels that way right now. I hate the feeling. Also trying to stay strong for your parents when they aren't staying strong for you....Its hard to deal with. When I go into HS this year....I don't ever think I will be know for me....prolly just as "The sister of the boy that died".....It hurts when people say that bc I hate to think that he's gone. Andrea, Chrissy, Tom.....I love you guys so much and I'm srry for all the pain I've caused u from wanting to be w/ you....I hope it gets better for u guys....

Its hard 4 me.....

Love,

Travis's little sis

[tinasdad]

Tdubslilsis14, once you get back to school, you may ask for a counselor to talk to, so you can work through your feelings. They will also help you establish your personal space, so your identity is seen uniquely, not being Travis' sister. While you feel stress, understand that your parents love you. Ask them about getting help for you with family or trusted friends, so you can get comfort and advice from that person or couple instead of relying on your parents while they also grieve. Let us know how you're doing.

[1lostgirl]

I dont know where to start. I lost both my parents over 20 years ago, I have yet to visit the grave sights, I just can't do it. I have 5 sisters most of which say "im sorry we dont really know you" because i am the youngest of the six.They all left home early. I have 3 kids my girl,23 moved out at 17 and my two youngest(13 14) went to live with their father 2 years ago because i sufferfrom post traumatic stress dissorder and c.o.p.d. and can not work.

Ifeel like i am so alone that it's not worth getting up im the morning. I keep asking myself, What have I done to deseve this? I know i am not perfect but Im

so lost and alone its eating me alive. I used to be the happiest girl in the world.but without my family and any friends nothing seems to matter any more. I have gone back to get my g.e.d and hope to futher my ed after that,but for now i feel nothing but pain. What could I have done so these things wouldnt have happened? how can I take away the pain? How do I stop the crying for things I know I'll never have again?How do I heal these wounds of life?I have a therapist I have been seeing for 4 years and that help some but some days I go to bed praying to die, then wake up and thank god i am alive. I am so torn is the ever and end to the pain? -Thanks for listening

[tinasdad]

1lostgirl, I'm sorry for the loss of your parents, and even after such a long time, the sorrow and pain of their loss can still weigh upon your heart. You wish you could trade the world to have the pain stop. Be patient with yourself, and look at your strengths. You are succeeding at making your life better by furthering your education. You should be proud. Give yourself a treat of something you enjoy, like a manicure, or even that perfect cup of coffee, to lift your spirit. Please come back and feel free to write again. We'll be here for you.

[daughterrachael]

I am so confused. My dad seems much better than he has. I almost feel like I want to see him get worse so I can ease into his death. Everyone gets so excited to hear that his is having a good week, like they almost beleive that he is getting better, but that is impossible. I am so internally angry. I take it out on people and my boyfriend doesn't know what to do anymore. I snap at the drop of a hat. I have had two therapy sessions so far so I am trying to get help, I just can't seem to get it fast enough

[tinasdad]

daughterrachael, the feelings you have are 'normal' for grief. It's good to talk to a counselor, so you can release these feelings with a neutral person, not your family. If your boyfriend would like to talk about this, he can write here or use my email addy. I'll share all I can of this journey so he can continue to help you through it. If you look at the anger we feel as we grieve, you'll see it's not that we're angry at someone, but at death. We feel cheated, robbed of the one we love so much. Enjoy the time you have while your Dad feels a little better. Try to think of this as his journey, so you don't feel guilt as time goes by and changes occur.

I go through unpleasant feelings too, and they're part of my sorrow. I want more than anything to have my daughter home. I sometimes cry for hours, and I can get so angry at my friends. I did yesterday, and I'm glad he's an understanding friend. I'm not proud of it, but it's part of this pain we feel.

Keeping you in thought and prayer, Mark

[swede1]

I am so confused. My dad seems much better than he has. I almost feel like I want to see him get worse so I can ease into his death. Everyone gets so excited to hear that his is having a good week, like they almost beleive that he is getting better, but that is impossible. I am so internally angry. I take it out on people and my boyfriend doesn't know what to do anymore. I snap at the drop of a hat. I have had two therapy sessions so far so I am trying to get help, I just can't seem to get it fast enough

Daughterrachael,

What you seem to be on is the roller-coaster of illness of a loved one. I remember it well. Many of us can't help but feel better, relieved, when someone seems better for awhile, but it often is a false hope, as many people seem to rally before they pass away. To many, it seems like a nice break from all the heartache and the release of so much tension can make people feel rather exhuberant while it lasts. I know my Mom rallied, too - she was improved enough to begin feeding herself again, but w/i a month or so she had her last, massive stroke and left us. I think you're just feeling the tight knot of all the stress and you dad's departure would feel somewhat like being allowed to let all that steam out. The thing is, the roller-coaster ride of emotions will be experienced both in watching his illness and in the grief when he's gone. It's a harsh truth, but that's the reality, and can't really be escaped from.

Of COURSE you're angry inside! That's natural, when someone you love is dying. Don't feel guilty about it, but if you can make some other outlets for it, even if only some of the time, then you wouldn't have to feel like you were taking it out on others so much. Things like screaming into a pillow, hitting something inanimate, screaming in your car, etc. Why don't you ask your counselor for ideas? Or just talk about it, explain it to your boyfriend (and whoever else) so he can try to understand ( he won't completely, though, unless he's been through this himself ) that it's not personal to HIM. Figure out WHY you're so angry and tell people that, instead of just blasting them. Anger is really just fear, masked as another emotion. When we can't allow that fear into our waking mind in all its force, it can turn into anger, and that's okay to feel, too, but that doesn't get rid of it. You have to unearth the fear(s) underneath it and start to deal with that....yah, a SCARY proposition! I, too, am well-versed in using anger as my vehicle of expressing the fears underneath. Whenever I'm worried, it comes out as irritability first, tears of frustration and the real FEAR behind it, second....and that only if I'm lucky enough to have a willing ear from someone to sit and listen to me. Even if you don't like what you're doing, I have to say, at least you're not covering up all your emotions, which is far worse, I think. You just need some guidance on how to express your inner life, just as I do. In the end, you're doing the best you know how IN THIS PARTICULAR PRESENT TIME, and you shouldn't fault yourself for that. It's just darn HARD losing a parent and we're not all going to be perfect about all those emotions. Lean on whoever you can, whenever you can...you're going to need all the energy you can muster later on, to deal with the rest of it. I wish you well, and also hope your father has as peaceful a journey himself as fate will allow.

[swede1]

Daughterrachael,

Just happened to find this in my own online searches and thought it might also help you feel normal in your feelings.

"....not being the same person. I grappled with my relationship with my father, and guilt about not visiting him often. I procrastinated about visiting because it was difficult (almost pointless) to see him in his debilitated state. This type of loss and guilt is discussed by Doka and Aber."

“With irreversible conditions, the loss is certain, and though that knowledge may be resisted by defense mechanisms such as denial, there will often be a sense of hopelessness. The irreversibility of that loss may create high levels of ambivalence and subsequent guilt as one copes with the daily tasks of life. There may be a a sense that therapies are useless and time spent on the person is wasted and unappreciated. There may be deep, guilt-provoking desires for the victim’s institutionalization or even death.” (Doka 191)

So you can see that you're not alone in your ambivalent feelings!

[daughterrachael]

Thank you, all of you. I never though joining this I would find such support.

Today is another "bad day". My boss just told me that I am not working hard enough. He knows my situation and lost his father almost a year ago and was understanding. Last week he caught me sleeping at my desk. I have NEVER done that before. I have also just been coasting through my days. It's my fault but I was hoping to just keep coasting. I don't know how to find the strenght to work any harder. My anger was instantantly aimed at my boss and I wanted to start looking for another job but that won't fix anything. I have to suck it up. I have to find away to work harder. Work is just the last thing I care about. How do people keep their work life together through this all?

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, I changed my screen name in honor of my deceased daughter (Tinasdad). Do you meditate? Spending time like this may give you the emotional strength for the day, or from break to break. Is it possible for you to work with music you like in the background or in headphones? Music can help us relax, so it's just a thought. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

[daughterrachael]

I have tried to meditate, I just can't keep my mind quite for 2 seconds. I am always mulling over something. I do listen to the radio at work. I could not live without that. Music is really always been my outlet. I listen to the Oldies lately cause it's up beat and happy. I can't listen to anything too heavy or serious right now. When I am at work I just want to goof around with friends and laugh when I can. I have to balance it out and only chat with friends on breaks. I need this job and have to make it work. I asked my boss for more structure for now. I normally manage myself but I am just not focused right now to do it on my own. Thank you for your advise

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, when I'm under a lot of stress, I have two ways of dealing, normally. I either get angry, or I turn into a joker. I am not saying you do this, but it's my way of hiding and burying my stress. If you can release or bring your stresses and anxieties under control, I think you'd be able to work better through the day. Would your boyfriend be willing to let you yell at him, in effigy against the anger you have at death? We all get angry at death, for taking someone we love. I have a few other ideas, but learning these relaxation techniques are not easy. If you'd like, we can talk about them. You're doing well, and you can be proud. Your Dad is. Blessings on you for peace, Mark

[livingodaat]

Daughterrachael

My heaart goes out to you and your family. I think I know the feelings your are going through. I went throught the same thing. But now I don't have a job cause I gues they didn't understand so they let me go. That is something more to worry about. Which in turn makes me even more angry. I had to give up my house and move in with my oldest daughter. It's hard but what could I do. Yes I have savings but I can't afford to live like I was and still keep up. It's hard trying to find a new job and to grieve. My whole family always looked to me as the head person and look for me to have all the answers. But I don't. Take time out for yourself. I started taking long walks by myself. that helps. not all the time but it helps. My pain is so bad I still have a lot of bad days and my mom died 2/2005. That's why my name is (livingodaat)living one day at a time. I don't know how I will feel in the morning. I think it's normal for us to have a lot of different fellings at any given time. Just step back sometimes take a break. Let people know that you are not having a good day then maybe they will not put so much pressure on you. just a thought. Since coming to this site. I would have to say this is what I needed.

My prayers will be with you.

[daughterrachael]

Everyday is different. Today I am sad and want to leave work early and just go home to my bed. But I can't, I have to work. My dad is still alive and with every day that goes by I wish it would be "the day". I feel horrible for wishing this. I know once he is gone I will want him to come right back, but only the way he used to be. He used to love gardening, little house projects and cooking big breakfasts. We would shot pool and eat pizza with me. Now he just watches TV as visitors come in and out. He has no life so why is God not letting him go. We are all so tired and just need to move on. I love my dad so much and I know most people would love to have the time I do to say goodbye. It has been since the Spring that we have been preparing for him to die. How much longer will this go on

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, please, don't feel bad or drag yourself down for having these feelings. You have told us of such a tender love for your Dad, we know you can never want anything bad to befall him. You only want his suffering with this illness to end. This is a normal part of our grief, when the one we love is dying, especially from a painful illness. my wife has one of the dystrophies, and it's severely painful. I am helpless watching her go through this slow process of dying. I love her more than my own soul, yet I've also asked God to let her go, so the pain would just end. It hurt me to ask such, and to admit I could ask it, but it's a part of grieving, a normal reaction out of love. We just don't want them to suffer the pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you for peace. Take the rest of the day moment by moment, and drive carefully home. Then rest well.

[swede1]

Daughterrachael,

I remember some of the same anxst you're feeling, when my Mom was doing the roller-coaster ride of one day good, one day bad, maybe she's going now, no, she's improved again. It's very taxing on one's nerves and emotions. We think we're going to experience some kind of 'relief' once something is more finalized, but it's seldom that neat and tidy. There may indeed be some relief for the end of physical suffering, but then we commonly throw in more of that guilt because we're now feeling some relief and how dare we feel that!!! I remember, too, when I got the call that my Mother wouldn't likely survive the night, and I thought, "Well...this is really IT now, I guess." Then I found that even though I'd half prepared for that moment for all of 6 months, and ALTHOUGH I did feel some relief that she didn't have to suffer anymore with being immobile and longing to go home ( now she was REALLY "Home" ), it didn't ease my grief much at all. I was still left to deal with all unfinished emotional business (well, PLUS all the extra garbage my family created!), and which, to this day, I'm still working through, 1.5 years later. I'm just trying to prepare you with the knowledge that it's not going to be easy, easier, no matter what you feel now, so just allow yourself to BE in whatever feelings you have now, whatever ones come up later. Prepare yourself mentally, as much as possible, for still having to run the entire gamut of the grieving process. Then, as now, you'll have up days and down days, for as long as it takes you, personally. You don't have to like it....who does? It's a roller-coaster from the first day someone gets ill. We ALL want our loved ones back the way they WERE, even if they weren't in great shape before. It's the ending of a dream we carried in our heads, especially regarding our parents, who we never really COULD truly imagine not being on this planet with us. After all, they'd been in our lives since they HAD us! It's very, very hard to replace that dream with another one, and very painful to see it playing out in its own time, not by our schedule, but by someone's else's, and the Universe's. Your dad may still have to be experiencing something yet to come before he can move on to the rest of his journey, or you or another family member may yet experience something else that will turn out to be important in some way. Who can say until we have hindsight? You're just experiencing that anxiety of wanting the emotions to stop making you feel so bad......that's normal, to be expected, except no one teaches us these things beforehand.

Maybe you could write to the monitor of this thread and suggest a forum specifically for "Anticipatory Grief"? I think that would be very useful for many of us. Hang in there and post when you feel the need. We're here for all, including ourselves.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, what an awesome idea! Anticipatory Grief. Thanks for coming up with that one. Send it to Kelly on the opinions. It's great!

I didn't think of the aftershock of guilt. I'm sure with all the terrific people here and my friends, I'll get through losing my wife, barely. After all, so many are by my side for support after losing my daughter.

Thank you for such wisdom and insight.

[daughterrachael]

I contacted Kelly to ask her to consider this new thread. Thanks for the idea and support.

Feeling is so hard to do.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, just dropping a note to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. May your heart be filled with peace.

[daughterrachael]

Thank you! I am not doing all that great due to a fight I had with my mother. She is not the best mom and has no idea how to help me during this time. She never has. She is like a child, my good for nothing brother is the same way. I have another brother that is wonderful but he is across the country. My dad is passing and once that happens my step mom (she is wonderful) is moving out of state to live with her daughter how will be able to care for her as she is aging. I do feel that I will end up cutting off my brother and mother as they only cause me anger and stress. I am marring into the best family ever, thank god! My future mother-in-law sent me a card just to let me know that I was in her thoughts. I balled my eyes out when I say that. That is all I ask of my own mother. She is too selfish. She wants me to do for her. She is jealous that my father is getting all this love and attention cause he is dying. She is a sick women. Tough this is we work in the same company. Could things get anymore complicated??? I could go on and on. My dad has always helped me deal with my brother and mother, I now don't tell him anything cause I want him to dying thinking we a all happy, but that is far from the truth.

Alwaysjennifer, could you please tell me your story about your daughter? You give such great support to everyone here, I would like to know more so I can be there for you as well

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, I am so sorry that the one person who should be supportive, isn't. You don't need more complications. I'll share the secret, that even though my mother was abusive, my mother-in-law is the sweetest woman I've ever known. I'm thankful and happy for you, hearing your future mom-in-law is such a dear lady. She will be a heartfelt comfort through the sorrowful time ahead.

My daughter was adopted at birth because I was only 13 at the time, and her mother had a history of drug abuse - she was ten years older than me, and I was a runaway. When my daughter's mother was dying, she told the hospital staff about my paternity, and the adoption, because I knew nothing of it. When I was told, I began searching, and found the results for a young lady who had been killed by a rapist, but I didn't want to believe it. In July of this year, I found aher birth certificate with my professional name on it. I guess that proves I'm her Dad. I grieve her adoption, her horrible death, and all the things I could have done. . .

Thank you for asking, and for caring. You are a remarkable young lady, and I truly enjoy visiting with you. I wish your situation could be better, different. My thoughts and prayers are with you daily. If you want to talk off this site, my email address is in my profile. hugs for you. Mark.

[daughterrachael]

I am so sorry, you never got to hold your daughter and tell her all the things my dad got to tell me. I am very lucky. I can't even think about the emptyness you must feel.

[swede1]

In July of this year, I found aher birth certificate with my professional name on it. I guess that proves I'm her Dad. I grieve her adoption, her horrible death, and all the things I could have done. . .

Mark,

Oh, so that's what happened! So sorry, I didn't know the whole story. I don't want to upset you further, but just felt I ought to mention that besides a name on a birth certificate, the only way one can really prove paternity is through a DNA test, and I doubt that would have been on file. I'm only suggesting this because, with the mother's background, perhaps even SHE could not have been sure of who the father was. Although I DO realize that obviously, it isn't just blood that makes for a strong bond (see below), and if your daughter thought of herself as your daughter, then that's all that really matters in the end.

I also wanted to support you back, in the guilt department...you must ask yourself, what exactly could you have possibly, realistically have done to help your daughter, when you didn't even know of her existence until it was too late for earthly help? Maybe you need to focus more on the fact that now that you DO know of her, you ARE doing what you can do now, relationship-wise, by accepting, honouring and welcoming her ADC's. This is what she could be trying to teach you, knowing now what's in your heart for her.

[swede1]

Daughterrachael,

It seems we have something in common, what with abnormal family members making our grief that much worse. Yes, thank GOODNESS you have a mother-in-law who is more normal and understanding! I know what you mean about getting so emotional, so grateful, for any kind gesture ( her card ) that finally comes your way. I do the same thing, because when one isn't used to any of that, it feels remarkable to finally be on the receiving end of such kindness and empathy! My mom-in-law is a pretty nice lady, too, and I make sure now that she knows I think of her in this light. I'd always wished I had a sister, being the only female child in our family, but maybe she would have turned out just as stinky as the rest of my family, as yours are, so perhaps it was just as well! Thanks for the realism check. You can vent anytime here about this nonsense, as I often have to as well, to keep a modicum of sanity for myself.

[daughterrachael]

Yep my family is so messed up, starting from the divorce. I can't let go of the anger I feel towards my mother. The past is always on the suface of my skin. I have not yet decided if I will try to make my relationship with my mother work or not, but if I don't I will not only be griefing my father. I want it to work but I am sick of being the one that has to be the adult and put things behind us. I think about when it will be her time to die. Me and my dad have resolved everything and have nothing but love between us. I wonder if I will get that when it is time for my mom to go. I guess time will tell. How do I let go of all this anger. Therapy has not really been helping and am thinking of quitting it.

Tonight I am going to see my dad. I keep thinking each time will be the last. Fear and anger, that is my life. I do have a wonderful love in my life (Tommy). I should count my blessing. From watching all the news lately we all should be thankful, things could be worse. Our losses could be greater.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Swede1, thank you so much for your refreshing advice you have given from your heart. The more I look at this whole thing, the more I see it from the perspective you just mentioned. This young mother was obviously not very prudent in her encounters, and I'm left filled with questions. My professional name on Jenni's birth certificate is my only positive connection with her. I used a professional name so I could have peace and quiet when I was off stage. Obviously, she "loved" me so much, she didn't even know my real name. I'm also left wondering if she may have just set it all up just to aggravate and harasss me? I wish I could explain why, and I don't really want to online, but the more answers I get, the more doubt I get. Does this make sense to you? Or am I just bugging as a father who never saw his child? daughterrachael, you have been through the divorce situation with your parents. If any of my ranting makes sense, let me know what you think, please. I'm trying so hard to get to the bottom of a bottomlessless pit.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, rest your heart in the love you share with your Dad. I pray you both can find peace to share. We don't know if he has another day, or week, or month. This is not our choice to make. What is your choice to make is what you've done, to love and cherish your Dad, and share as much as you can of these moments. When my time comes, I pray my children are as loving and caring. Take care of yourself too, tonight, and give yourself a little of the gentle care you give your Dad. You need it, and deserve it. My thoughts and prayers are with you throughout the day. Mark

[daughterrachael]

Mark, I have learned that family is what you make it. Jennifer IS your daughter, bottom line. She wanted to know her real father just as you wish you could have known her. Have you ever seen a picture of her? Do you have other children?

One of my brothers is adopted. He was from a very young parents and they has issues of drug use. This is the brother that is not very helpful and we have always had are ups and downs. I think about his birth family and wonder if he belonged there instead of with us. I do know that at the time there was nothing they could have done for him. My parents are now his and he is my brother. Do you know the family that adopted your daughter? I only hope she was as lucky as my brother. My family is far from perfect. But the one thing that links us is love. Jennifer did not deserve to die the way she did, no one does. I feel that she had to live what ever life she had to. And you needed to find out that she was yours so you could keep her memory alive.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, you made me cry. Thank you so much for the sweetest words I've read in days. You are a caring young lady, so blessed even through the sorrow. I'm so happy to hear your parents adopted one of your brothers. During my search for Jenni, I met a young lady who has become so close, that my wife and I are talking about adopting her, just because we love her so much. I do have a few precious photos of Jennifer, and she looks just like me. She has our family's appearance completely through her. Thank you so much for your kindness. I hope you are having the best of weekends with your fiance and your Dad. Be kind to yourself, and do a little something to spoil youself a little. Mark

[swede1]

the more answers I get, the more doubt I get. Does this make sense to you? Or am I just bugging as a father who never saw his child?

Mark,

I think that's pretty normal. I've gone through the same thing, with both my Mom's illness and her and my bro's deaths.....so many questions that will likely never be answered, which just raise more questions and doubts, and answers that don't give complete pictures. Most of the time I just have to tell myself that I'll hopefully find out when my own time comes, when I hope everything will either be explained, or I won't care about it anyway cuz I'll be surrounded by our Creator's and loved one's immense love. I only hope we each can come to some kind of acceptance of what we know and what we don't know. I'm so sorry you have to struggle with these kinds of things, too. Would that everything was cut-and-dried, black and white, with no grey areas....life would be a LOT simpler!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Jennifer was adopted at birth, and because her mother never told me about her, I never was able to know her at all. This has piled the pain and doubt onto me so much as a father. For all the support and comfort you have given, my heart feels much more at rest. I thank you friends for the kindness. I hope I return this kindness to you. hugs and prayers, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, I hope and pray all is well with you and your Dad. You are in my thoughts and in my many prayers. Thank you so much for the sweetest of things you said to me. In a time my heart needed the support, you said just the right words. You're one of a kind, girl! Mark

[daughterrachael]

Mark,

Thank you once again for caring about me. I have not been good. Dad has gotten worse. He now can not get out of bed and is barley awake. We went to visti him last night, I just can't take it. I cryed all night and couldn't go to work today. I need a time out from life and just lay around but watching TV is making my depression worse. I can't even imagine the amount of loss people are living through in the South. It just sucks...all of it.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, this is such a painful time for you. The process life takes a person through in an illness like this is unthinkable. If there is anything I can do for you, even just to let you talk, you may use my email or IM. Just hit intothenyt@yahoo.com. It's my studio address. That's also my IM. I keep it looking offline, so just leave a message, and if I'm there, I'll answer. I always reply as soon as I go online tho. Just identify yourself, so I know it's not another groupie. Those get trashed pretty quick. (I'm a pro musician - I'm the bassplayer). Take gentle care of yourself. This is as much about those who live as the one who is passing on. Take time to rest, to cry, to tell your Dad how much you love him. Don't watch too much tv, unless it's silly things like Big Bird, or nonsense. Try to stay away from shows that are to deeply involved. Try to think of things other than the suffering in the world. Think of the happy things for now, like the happy little koala babies in the zoo in Chicago. If you need us, we're right here. I won't be on late tonight, because I have an early meeting tomorrow, but you can reach me tomorrow afternoon, if you need. In the critical time, when your Dad is so near, it helps to have someone who's been through the grief. I'm praying for you. Mark

[mamabets]

To all- I am lost and frightened- I can not learn how to live in this life now- I feel as if I have completely shut down from the rest of my life- I don't want to be close to anyone, because I don't trust this thing called life- My son died in June of 2004- He was 25. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

[swede1]

mamabets,

Most of us ARE feeling lost and frightened, so you're not alone in that. Learning to RElive in what's left of shattered dreams and hopes is rather a life-long ( what's left of it ) task, certainly not to be expected in a few short months after a loss - it may take years to rebuild. Many of us, from what I've seen, are afraid of new relationships because it HURTS so badly to lose any that were major to you. ( I assume you've posted to the Loss of a Child forum? ) And losing a child is one of the hardest things to get through, not over, just through. Have you also tried The Compassionate Friends organization? That's its specialty...child loss. Many of us have also been to grief groups locally, counselling, read books on the specific areas we each need to know more about, talk here and to clergy members if that's available to you...the list is almost as endless as the different griefs we have in common. Everyone is welcome here, though, to share from the heart, or just to read others' posts. This site has many forums and threads, so take advantage...you're not limited as to which ones apply to your loss.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

mamabets, the fear, that feeling you can't make it without your baby, is part of your grief. This is the deepest grieving, and it may come in cycles, as it does me. I have spells of anger, crying, numbness, and the fear. It's all a part, and it does subside slowly. When you begin to get close to others, especially if a new friend has a child that same age, or if you make friends with someone that age, it's like your heart just got torn out when you find out the ages. You begin your grief all over again. I have a friend who is about Jenni's age when she died, and she's so beautiful, so caring. But I had to adjust to things, with thinking of my child, my loss, my pain. Be open with your friends, and tell them the truth of what hurts. Those who are true friends will be kind and caring. If they love you, they will love you enough to accomodate your needs as you grieve. I wish you all you need. Most of all, I send you this hug, for what you need the most, comfort.

[lilly50]

I hope you do not mind my writing this in several areas of your forum but I read a book recently called "Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief" and it has helped me to cope with the loss of my beautiful grand daughter Amelia.

I am a member of Whiskey Creek Press publishers, and avidly read thier romances.

However at the beginning of October I noticed a book that was non-fiction that dealt with grief. Though I have read other books dealing with grief, this one touched me personally as well as to give me guidelines and helped me to understand so much of what is going on inside of myself as well as my family.

The authors name is Katlyn Stewart. She has done an amazing job in hitting the nail on the head in helping parents,grandparents and even friends understand what happens when we grieve,

I highly recommend it and will post this in several areas in the hope that it will help just one person like it did me.

Also on the Whiskey Creek page was her web addresss- http://katlynstewart.com. If you have a chance, read this book.

Thank you,

Lilly

[mattsdad]

A new post to an old forum...

BECAUSE

Because I do not cry does not mean I do not grieve.

Because I laugh occasionally does not mean I do not hurt.

Because I seek the future does not mean I forget the past.

Because I miss your smile does not mean I will never smile again.

Because I miss you it makes every day harder to endure.

Because I believe makes every day a reason to carry on.

Because we will be together again lets me live another day.

Love, Dad

[mattsdad]

I did not mean for my last post to be sappy. Just sometimes things happen that I did not expect.

Jeff

[hurleyta]

Jeff,

I am having a VERY hard day, but due to your entry on 12/01/05, you made things feel a little bit lighter. Thank you for writing it. I am going to copy it down and keep it, for future days..

Thank you,

Trish

[mattsdad]

Thanks Trish,

I am sorry to hear that today is hard.

Today marks the 4 month anniversary of Matthew's death. So, I too am not having a good day.

Sometimes writing my feelings down is so much easier than speaking them(especially if you are a man).

I'll expect copyright residuals :0)

Be good to yourself today and take one moment at at time. I know that emotions change so quickly. Enjoy the few good moments you might get today.

Jeff

[nancy55]

I am having a very hard time trying to enjoy this Christmas season. I have nothing to be joyous about. My husband died of lung cancer June 21st after suffering for many months. Four months later my 41 year old baby brother died. He died in his sleep and we have no answers..are awaiting autopsy reports.

I have this enormous empty hole in my heart. I turned 50 in October and this has been the worst year of my life. I don't know how to take all this heartache.

Nancy55

[aprilsmom]

Jeff - that poem is really touching. I drove AROUND the mall but could NOT park or get out of the car. April and I shopped there so often.....well, I'll find another mall. I REFUSE to ruin Christmas for the rest of my family - April would be really mad if I did that! Keep trying Nancy- you have had just too many things happen this year - is there someone to help you get through it? One minute at a time, nothing more. Renee

[hurleyta]

Jeff,

Thank you for your suggestion. I am trying to do just that. I am completely exhausted and feel like giving up some times. That is when the phone rings or the someone knocks on my door. Life will never be the same, but I know that James would not want for me to be crying all of the time. It helps to look at pictures of him and to journal. I actually started a photo journal of him. I feel the NEED to have pictures of James around me at all times. I don't know what it is, but I just NEED them. I am hoping to get one for his son too. He told me that he wanted to make a scrap book of his dad. I love James son as if he was my own and feel so blessed to have him in my life. I know that he is very sad as he misses his dad so much. He lives 3 hours from me, but I talk to him a lot. He is a really good kid, well, young man, as he is 16 years old...

Hope you are having a good day. I am learning that my days can start off good, but by the time I try to go to sleep, things just seem to fall apart.

Take care,

Trish

[mattsdad]

hurleyta, TRISH...

You are not alone in feeling exhausted come the end of the day.

To be honest, Matthew and I did not always see eye to eye. OOOHHH. The arguments we had were sometimes downright ugly. Having said that, I would give everything back to just be able to argue just ONE MORE TIME!!!!(and maybe one hug)...........

I think it is wonderful for you to scrapbook for James' son.

We have a very few pictures of Matthew as an adult. And that really stinks! He was an extraordinary young man, but, given his demons, he fell way short of his potential....

Make an unforgettable testament to his dad. Pictures do tell a thousand words. He will appreciate it and never forget his dad.

Jeff

[mattsdad]

Nancy55,

Do not worry about enjoying this holiday season. You are not required to do so.

Just get by. We all here are trying to just get by. One step at a time.

This is not a sprint, but a marathon. We will all meet hurdles and impediments in the following months and years. We are here to help others get through this most trying time.

Just trust all of us. We have all lost and we will be here to get you through the hard times to come.

Jeff

[nancy55]

Jeff, thank you for your support. This website is wonderful. There are some very caring understanding people, as yourself, who are here to help guide and support us. We are all suffering and this is one spot I feel safe putting my feeling in words. I know things will eventually get easier...and it's not just the holidays that are hard....everyday the reality of living without our loved ones is the hardest. The hurt and emptiness is always there. Sometimes more so than others. God bless you, thank you. Nancy55