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RunXRun

I feel guilty?

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I lost my mom on the 6th and today I decided that we (My brother, my dad and I) should put up Christmas decorations..just the outside, window and little figures my mom always put up because tomorrow my aunt and cousins are coming over to do the tree. As I was looking for all the things to put outside I started to get really sad and teared up. I don't think i'll be able to do the Christmas tree this year and every time I mention it my dad gets angry at me and tells me to change my attitude... my attitude by the way is upset and negative. I dislike how he's telling me to change it... my mom just died, I think i'm entitled to be upset about it and not be in the Christmas spirit.

Anyways, on top of this I'm sick and I keep hoping that it kills me.. and then there's a part that hopes it doesn't and I tried to tell my dad it feels like my heart is breaking (I have a pain in my chest..probably from the cold) and he got mad and upset with me. I know it's because he's worried but like, I always told my mom about this stuff and now she's gone and I figured I could tell him about it and I can't. So..like, what do I do? I feel guilty because I know I'm hurting my dad with these thoughts and feelings and I know he wants me to be happy but I can't act happy. The worst part is tomorrow when we do the tree the time will come to put the turtle doves up and I don't have my mom to do that wit.

..I guess what I'm asking is should I just pretend to be okay so I don't upset my dad? And should I just put the tree up even though it feels like it'll kill me?

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