As Time Goes By.....

[Silvergirl61]

For those of you who have been around for awhile, I apologize for the repeat information I am about to share, but for those of you who do not know about this, I will share some of my story.

In August of this yaer, I came home to dinner one night after work. MY wonderful husband, dennis, who stayed at home due to health problems, had made a wonderful spaghetti dinner for the two of us, and we sat down to the mel, and we talked and laughed, while we watched a little bit of the news on tv, before his Friday night wrestling show came on. during the meal he rubbed at the centerof his chest a few times..and I asked if he was ok..and he told me he was fine..just indigestion from sampling the sauce.

We continued with the meal, and he got up to leave the room to go get something... something. As he was returning, I heard him make a choking sound, and what sounded like my name..and turned to see him starting to fall....his heart failed..and I couldn't revive him with CPR, but later his heart was restarted artificially...and 42 hours later..I lost him. He was my life, everything I ever wanted. He was my best friend, and the most beautiful and loving man I ever knew. Romantic, and sweet, funny and intelligent- gorgeous blue eyes, and a smile to steal your heart away. And a musician to top it off..he could play anything on a guitar, and he could sing....and I loved him so much!

For awhile, I could not really remember all of that night, time was distorted, the memories were confused..and I was a total mess..could not sleep, could not eat, could not think, could not stop crying.

I am in counseling. I tried a couple different meds, because I have been suffering panic attacks again..a problem I have had a couple times in my life, but never this terribly severe. I am no longer on any anti-depressants..they were actually having a reverse effect for the time I was taking them..and I am afraid to try any others, to ell the truth. I have a PRN med for the panic..but it has lessened in severity..and I can usually control it now with technique, instead of pill.

I am trying to focus on the memories of the good in our life together as much as I can. Happy memories, things he did to make me smile, sweet days we spent..things that soothe my troubled heart.

As I grow calmer, more things are coming clear..and I am abler to deal with the other memories that surface in a different way.. Yes, I still hurt, still cry, still miss him being here, all the time. But I am not shattered and destroyed by every thought of him. I can sleep better now, and my focus is starting to improve, and I am starting to hope I might be able to survive this loss, and build another life over the one I lost that day. No I don't always feel that way..and sometimes.. the pain overwhelms me again...and it probably always will, from time to time. A memory will cross my mind..or a song will play..and the sense of loss hits me with a new wave of grief, for all the days we won't see together.

But I can see him now, in my mind. I can see him as he was, and I can still feel the love.

I remembered, that as he got up to leave the table, and walk by my chair, to leave the room that night... I reached out and put my arm around his waist and hugged him to me for a bit, something I did often, an affectionate thing, so common between us. I laid my head against him, and he stroked my hair, and kissed me on the top of my head, and laughed as he left the room....I can feel that..and I am so comforted by the memory of that one moment.....a moment just before the light went out of my world. But just that one memory will warm my heart and bring me some peace for all my days.

It wasn't really an extraordinary thing. Just an everyday second in time..but so very important, in light of what came after. Small maybe to anyone but me..but a start to healing, I think. Find a moment in time, that brings you joy to think of, and let your heart feel the love in that moment. Focus only on that, and see if it helps you. See if it helps to calm and see if it can give you just a few seconds of peace to regroup.

I hope this works for some of you, who are out here, who are hurting, like I do, who feel like you'd give anything for just one minute of peace. That's what I found..a moment of peace. May you find yours, too. Wishing you all the best- Silver

[nancy7282]

Morning Silver,

Just such a great post and so good of you to share it....would love to be able to speak with you..I just feel so lost and alone alot of the time. My best times are working! My memories are very painful...and photos are too..please keep in touch--you might be able to save my sanity!!

Nancy

[Silvergirl61]

Hi Nancy-

I hope you are doing well today. I am not always as positive as this post, but I am going to work hard at changing that. I know that Dennis hated for me to be sad, and to cry, and he never let me give up, in all the years I knew him. His support and encouragement helped me make some tough choices, and so, I owe it to him, to ty and do the things that I know he would want , if he were here. A way for me to honor his memory, and to acknowledge it.

I will be happy to talk with you in chat, or if there is something you don't want to say out on the boards, go ahead and send me a message here, or at facebook. I am not always quick to respond, sometimes I don't come back here for a day or two, but I do try tocheck my facebook at least once a day..

I haven't got any special training or any special knowledge. I'm just another regular person, who has lost someone who they loved with all of their heart. I'm happy to talk with people, who understand the feelings I'm having, andwho are willing to share what's helped them, even a little , to deal with the pain, and to try and look forward. That's all I am, a fellow traveller on the journey, and one who believes that without the help of friends, this road would be a very dark one. This forum and the others here are full of kind and caring people, who are experiencing very hard and painful days..and we all can help each other, even if it's just to say, "You aren't alone."

[nancy7282]

Hi Silver,

I am not always here either, my job is busy, and facebook I gave up! I spent way too much time on there I understand what you mean about honoring his memory...my husband said exactly that to me, "Do it for me,

honor me and just carry on" His exact words-just some days it is not as easy as other days, and lately I seem to have hit a slump...I miss him terribly, and I don't think that is going to change. I guess I just wish it

wasn't so painful for me.

Thanks for listening,

Nancy

[Silvergirl61]

I understand. i have periods where I miss Dennis terribly, and I'm sure it will be that way, because of how close we were, and how strong an influence he was on my life. But that's ok, and I think it's probably the way it's meant to be. I guess its just a part of learning to live with the way things are, instead of the way I wish they could be.

Hope you're having a good day. Silver

[Silvergirl61]

I posted this on facebook a little while ago. I wanted to share it here, with all of you, too. We've talked about signs a bit, and I take this as one:

I found a letter tonight, that Dennis wrote to me, some time in the past. In it he wrote : " I know how much you miss me, because I feel the same way about you. I long for the time we can be together again, and I can hold you in my arms once more. Until that day, when you're missing me, close your eyes, and think of me, as hard as you can. Perhaps you'll feel a gentle caress on your face, or a light brush across your lips. That will be me, sending you my love across all this distance. You are my heart and soul, Julee. I will always love you. Dreaming of the day we will be together again. - Dennis"

It fell out of some papers I was sorting, with that part visible, like one final message, one last thought for me to hold in my heart.

Sometimes, we are given a gift when we least expect it. Merry Christmas, friends and family. - Silver

You are free to see this as just a coincidence, or me grasping at straws. I prefer to see it as, like I said above, a gift. He also wrote down the lyrics to a song in the letter, at the end, something he liked to do, as a message. This one finished with the lyrics to "Your my Best Friend" by Queen.

Sometimes, it's a small thing, and a quiet one.

[nancy7282]

Morning Silver,

See that just as you do.....sometimes things are not a coincidence....but a little message for you! How nice Dennis sounds like he was very kind, special...

Nancy

[Deesgirl]

Silver, thank you for your post and sharing the beautiful words that Dennis wrote you.

You have helped me remember some beautiful last moments I had with Danny and that is exactly what I needed tonight.

[Silvergirl61]

Some days are just hard. Today, for instance.

[DJCCHV]

Thank you, Silver, for your post. It helped me see something I found again yesterday after finding it some time ago, in a different light. I think it may have been the best card I ever got from my husband. It was his anniversary card for me in 2010. It said:

"Once I met you, my heart gladly put out it's "no vacancy" sign. No other need even apply. There was simply no way anyone could compare to you. Your spirit your mind, your way of looking at life...everything about you told me you were someone truly unique- - someone I could see myself spending a lifetime getting to know. And here we are, all this time later, and I'm still amazed by you...still grateful for each new day that I can spend loving and discovering you. Only you could ill this life with so much happiness. Only you could fill this heart with so much love."

Then he continued writing inside, telling me that it came closest to expressing how he felt about me. Near the end, he said " Here's to another year, another decade and FAR beyond together." That brought on tears and sadness because we had so little time more, actually.

But your posting helps me see that I was meant to find this card again at this time, to be reminded of how much he loved me, that somehow he is aware of my good days and my bad days and is doing what he can to continue to comfort me as he would have, to let me know how much he still values the time we had together. After some tears today, maybe my mood will lighten and I will go out after all.

[Mdanielson4]

As time goes by.... interesting topic. you would think we all know how precious time is now. People that have lost someone close should be more sensitive to how time can fly by. What is it we are suppose to do next? Why is time so important? do we need to treasure what time we have left in this life, or do we sit down cry and let it go by? would love to hear your thoughts.

[Silvergirl61]

Mike, I think it will probably end up being a combination of both those things. Some days, I feel the sense of time flying by, and grab at it with both hands trying to make today count. Other days, yesterday crowds my mind with visions of the happy days and the special man that was always there, and always loved me. It's just life. I don't think we get any right answers, or any guarantees. Just have to do what we can to make it through the days, the best we can. Hope you feel better, and hope you can find the way to peace. Best I can hope for.

As for my post- I try to find small ways, to make this experience mean something, instead of letting it be all pain and despair. I can only guess what Dennis would say to me, about all of it, but I'm pretty sure, he wouldn't tell me to just sit and cry all the time, because he would never allow it, when he was here.

[kendi]

I look for signs hoping and praying Kenny sends me on to let me know he is okay!! I see some and as you said Silvergirl61 is it coincidence or am I grasping at straws. Kenny was my heart and soul and he knew it everyday because I told him!! He gave me hope, love, trust and strength. Everyday I live the way he would push me and to never give up. He never did not once and to me I would no honor his memory if I did! Just because he is not here in spirit does not change my love for him just my life with him!! I know he will be waiting for me as if I would have went 1st I would be waiting for him!! I miss his touch but I remember his soul!! His smile was beautiful and would light up my day!! Time is precious to us all rather our loved ones would not want us to waste any time we have to we meet up with them again!! I can hear Kenny now telling it is what it is and life goes on!! He was and still is my rock!! He keeps me going as if he was sitting in his chair telling you can't give up!! Kenny gave me a life I never thought existed my fairy tale come true!! Mike I believe we do treasure what time we have left because I believe everyone has a purpose in their lives and until it is fulfilled we will never be happy, Kenny came into my life and showed me and my kids what a family is, he was a wonderful father and a great husband and showed us what true happiness was. He pushed me to go to school and finish my dream to be in the medical field and I am forever grateful for the time we had together even tho it was not long enough. I will honor his memory and he will never die in my eyes and will always be in my heart. As I read the post up and all that have lost their spouse/partner is that our better halves done their very best to make us happy and enjoy life can you imagine how upset they are now seeing us hurt so much! I pray every time I turn around that God helps each and everyone of us that are suffering and to help us understand and heal through our pain to rejoice in the love we have!! Because as time goes by we still have the love we had and a piece of our life will always be missing but if not for the love we had we would not be who we are!! I just hope I can make Kenny proud of me and when we are in each others arms again He will tell me see you did it and I will tell him if it was not for him I couldn't have!! We were always blaming each other for our happiness and that will never change!!

[Silvergirl61]

You know, I don't think it matters, really, if the signs we see, or the things we interpret as signs, are really from our loved one, or just something our mind tells us is extraordinary, so that we can get through this grief. There are so many things , that seem to make the burden lighter, if only we open our minds to the possibility, that they are really signs from the person we loved, helping us to get through this. It seems to me, if it makes you happy, then there's nothing wrong with believing in the infinite. I choose to believe that I have the possibility of seeing my Dennis again, someday, in someplace.

If I'm wrong..it won't matter, anyway.

[mgilbertson]

As time goes by I miss my Scott more and more everyday. I miss everything. We had just become grandparents and were having the best times of our lives and in minutes it was gone. Forever. Time can't go by fast enough for me to be with him again. Todays just been a bad day and my heart feels heavy.

[Silvergirl61]

I have days like that ,too. Today started out, with tears over a song. I've listened to it lately, and it didn't bother me at all, but then last night I found a video on youtube I hadn't seen for a long time, and watched it..and it just tore me up. I was talking with a friend at the time on here..and I finally figured out what it was. The singer was playing a guitar like my husband's. Same brand, and it has the same tone and sounds so much like it, that it just hurt to hear it, I guess. Listening to the other recording..it isn't the same sound.

It's funny, the things that sneak up and ambush you, sometimes.

I've been really missing Dennis a lot lately, too. Sometimes, I just have to give in to the tears. Like I said, though I try really hard to focus on a happy memory, until I can get my balance back, and get it under control again. I know tears are supposed to help heal, but if I give into them for very long... I'm kind of afraid I might never stop, I guess. I know he wouldn't want that.

[naty0123]

Hi everybody! I cry everyday like it just happened. I look forfor signs everywhere. We were so close that i cant grasps why he has not spoken to me or send me something. I pray that God will allow him to. Im tired of being so fake! I wanna just lay in bed and cry...i hate that i have to continue without my bestfriend. He consumes my thoughts that i forget about everything. I wish wanna of usus had some magic answer to the grieving madness that we are all in. As time goes on its harder and harder its just makes me face the reality that he is gone . Ive become very cold...my light and life is gone..im so bored! Miss the constant excitement he brought...there was never a boring day..well have have the best day that you all can...love hearing everyones stories and feelings

[Silvergirl61]

My Dennis was born and raised in Alabama, and like the shirt said, he bled Crimson! He was waiting impatiently for football season to start this year, because he said he had a feeling that this would be their year! He even hand wrote the schedule and put it up on the bulletin board, along with the Huskers schedule. All year, I have recorded the score each week for him , in the spaces he left for it.

He didn't even see the first game this season. He loved the Crimson Tide. There are all the trappings of a Tide fan all over my home..he nearly crowded all the Husker stuff out of the house over the years!

In the years we've been together, I learned to respect and admire the program, and grew into a fan myself- and I watched the game, with absolute joy tonight, as excited as though he were right here next to me. I had tears streaming down my face as they finished the game..it's such a bittersweet thing..they did it, they won...but he's not here, so that I can throw my arms around him and jump for joy, with Alabama's best fan...

But Draco- they won! ROLL TIDE!!!!

[nancy7282]

My husband passed away in August from lung cancer...nasty disease. He had a Morphine drip for 2 days and was very comfortably out of it. As I was standing on one side of his bed, my daughter on the other, his

eyes crinkled up twice, his mouth too-he was so obviously smiling at someone he cared for. I've been a nurse for over 30years, and I've seen lots of people die. I NEVER believed in any kind of afterlife. I said to my

daughter, "Are you seeing this? Can you believe this?" She did see it and as another nonbeliever said, "If I hadn't been here, I'd have never believed you." She felt he saw a few people he loved..his smile was so

spontaneous and full of affection. He took 4 small breaths and was gone....A nice death if you can believe it......His face took on the expression of a young child....innocent...couldn't believe I was seeing that either.

In my disbelief, I mentioned this to an MD I talk to alot...he didn't even look up from whatever he was writing and gave me the name of a medium and said, "Just go." Well I went, and she said things to me only my

husband knew--specifically a place we used to meet as kids and sneak off to be together...no one else knew that except him. A nickname only I called him, she knew many things. When he first came in.....she

started to cough, said she felt like she couldn't breathe, knew he had died from lung cancer. First thing she said to me after that was, "He is with his brother Michael, an engineer, who was shot in the head." All

true...She went on and on for 3 hours. Many times he seemed so close and with what she was telling me, I almost had to get up and leave. She did not know my name--first name only--all cash---and there was NO

WAY she could have know what she knew other than through him. It has helped...he has told me thru her, "Nothing to be afraid of, I will be there for you at the elevators. It is not your time yet." He has said many

things....He is still not here, and I miss him awful...beyond awful, and I cry all the time. But I think he is there, I think there is something, I think he is around me alot, and I think they are very happy--happier than us.

And I think they will be there to meet us when it is olur time to go. This is all from a used to be total nonbeliever!! For what it's worth..maybe it will help someone else. I have been back to her twice.......

Nancy