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Is feeling or getting better a betrayal.?


val

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I would like to know how some others feel about this topic. Is getting better a betrayal to our deceased and oh so loved one?

Today I went to my brother's house and helped them decorate for Christmas. Part of me felt guilty for getting a semi-smile on my face.

That and other things have been making me smile lately. I feel I am moving forward but at the same time I feel guilty or like I am

betraying my beloved Jerry who died July 5 2012. I just want some group conscience on this topic. I would appreciate posts back.

God Bless You All, love and hugs, Val

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I would like to know how some others feel about this topic. Is getting better a betrayal to our deceased and oh so loved one?

Today I went to my brother's house and helped them decorate for Christmas. Part of me felt guilty for getting a semi-smile on my face.

That and other things have been making me smile lately. I feel I am moving forward but at the same time I feel guilty or like I am

betraying my beloved Jerry who died July 5 2012. I just want some group conscience on this topic. I would appreciate posts back.

God Bless You All, love and hugs, Val

I would suspect that Jerry would be very happy for you. I seriously doubt those we love want us to be in sorrow for any longer than necessary.

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val, I think you know the answer but are afraid to face it out of (there it is again) guilt. Of course it's not a betrayal. As Tab said he would want you to be happy. Beating yourself up does no one any good - you, him, or anyone else. Course I talk a good game, it's hard for me too sometimes. I have had similar struggles as I imagine we all have - I feel like I "deserve" to feel bad, for one, because I didn't appreciate her enough, tell her I loved her enough, on and on it goes. And also as you say there's this feeling of how can I be happy or have fun, my loved one isn't here to do that. But I think/hope that actually they are, in their own way, and if they are present with us or watching us or whatever, feeling bad or denying happiness isn't being "fair" or justice or any such thing but only makes them sadder too. So hard as it is try to keep those things in mind......

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I would like to know how some others feel about this topic. Is getting better a betrayal to our deceased and oh so loved one?

Today I went to my brother's house and helped them decorate for Christmas. Part of me felt guilty for getting a semi-smile on my face.

That and other things have been making me smile lately. I feel I am moving forward but at the same time I feel guilty or like I am

betraying my beloved Jerry who died July 5 2012. I just want some group conscience on this topic. I would appreciate posts back.

God Bless You All, love and hugs, Val

Val,

I know the feelings your having; it is as I have said before. Sometimes I feel that I hold on to the pain because I think that’s all I have left. I never want to forget; I never want to let her feel I have accepted that she is not in my life in some way. I want to feel the pain at times because I can’t feel the pleasure of her presence any more. As W2 said, we wonder did we tell them we loved them enough? I miss her more than ever as I know all of you miss your loved ones too. Like I said the pain sometimes is my comfort. I have no idea when I will be ready to let that go.

Mike

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Val, I say take it as it comes, because I pray for the day I feel like I'm moving forward and today is not the day! The holidays make me miss my husband terribly but I know he would want me to try to be a part of things with our families but its been hard. I just don't know. I hope we all begin to feel some peace soon! Marti

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Feeling better is a matter of survival, at a time when I'm not sure survival is worth the effort. When my grief dumps me into a deep depression, it's like a living death, terrifying because I can see no way out. It colors the way I see the whole world. I have to take it on faith that hopelessness and insomnia are not my "normal" way of being, and I will do anything to get free of them, if it means seeing a therapist or taking medications that may take weeks to work, or just doing things that I do not at all feel like doing.

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UnderHis Wings

I don't think it's a betrayal. But I can feel like I'm coping and then fall apart the next day. During the first couple of weeks nothing seemed real. I thought something was wrong with me if I wasn't crying. Later I talked to my daughter and she said the same thing had happened with her. Aren't we on an emotional roller coaster?

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I don't believe it is betrayal. Our loved one made us happy and would want us to be happy. It is hard and sometimes I feel like it gets harder everyday. Kenny's mom told me today she wants me to get to the point of being happy and enjoying live, She says she knows it is hard because she had lost her husband at a young age and had to raise 3 kids by herself and that I will find a place of comfort in life not that it will be any easier the thought of loosing Kenny but life will get easier and it was okay to enjoy life again.

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Gee I thought I was doing Ok today - well maybe not. I sit here and say the same things - betrayal I hope not for all of us. Our minds know they would want us to move on --- our hearts have not got that message. We all hurt more then we thought we ever could, this is a diffacult time for everyone who has lost someone special in their lives, in this format is was our mates. We my guess have all sat and cried and cried and in the next hour we smiled about something. For me I know my husband would want me to be happy, someday I hope I will be. I miss his company his laughter, his smile, his smell, his voice, i miss everything about him. Mine was sick for a long time and taking care of him was a piece of cake compared to loosing him. Val - I but your loved-one would want you to move on and someday put a smile on your face. I can hear my husband say go on be happy "but not to soon" with a snicker in his voice. As I said mine was sick and we knew he would not make it someday and I was blessed with him telling me to go on and find someone someday - he even said shack up with him if you like. I am sure rambling on here just seams to be a good place for that tongiht. My heart is with all of us who have lost that special person in our lives. Lets all try to put a smile on our face today and know they would want us to do that. So Val it is NOT a betrayal to smile and laugh and to go on. That does not mean we don't miss them we always will do that. We all move forward in our lives it is healthy for us to do so. It is also much easier for me to tell you that then to do it myself. hang in there -this too shall pass.

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Val-

I have been wrestling with that thought...and I finally came to the conclusion that Dennis' voice in my head telling me to stop being so damn stubborn was real. I asked myself, at what point in my time with him, he ever allowed me to be this sad, this tearful, and this torn up, for this long. He wouldn't stand for it, not for one single day. He went out of his way to make me smile. No matter what he had to do, no matter how silly or sweet or thoughtful he had to be. Never would have allowed it. So why would it be different now?

You know Jerry is still with you. from what you've told me, he was the same about you. He loved you, Val. He knew you, and he loved you. Ask him what he thinks about it, if it helps you. No, hon, it isn't a betrayal to feel better. It's just a sign. A sign that there may be better days to come. A sign in a world that is pretty bleak and hopeless sometimes. When did you ever smile, that your Jerry didn't look happy about it? I'm guessing his love for you was pretty strong, and that he was a pretty sensible and loving guy, and he would want what's best for you, even now.

You are such a beautiful and sweet person Val. I don't know where I would be, if you hadn't been there, and I mean that. You have such a loving heart, and you care so much about things. You trust your heart..it's a wise one. Love you, my friend. Be good to yourself. Silver

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I was out and about the day before Thanksgiving and riding the MC and crossing the roads and pathways that Debra and I traveled. It was the best day in 18 months; I had a smile on my face and levity in my heart thinking about my next step and what I am going to do. I felt that it was a time to move on and I felt confident in the process and that I could do it. I even put up some decorations for the season and this day was the best yet. When I got home and in the house, I felt the exact same way, and asked myself if it was okay to feel good on this day. Last year I was ready to throw all the seasonal stuff in the garbage, but this year I just put out the special stuff. In general, I do not join the special activities for the season since in most cases they are too long for me to engage people so I just slip out or do not go at all. But, if you are identifying the "betrayal" question/concern and thinking of it, then at least you are recognizing the feeling. That is a good thing and you are experiencing the grief process. I wish to express good thoughts and tidings for you this season.

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Val thank you for starting this thread, as I have recently been wrestling with the very same thing. As matter of fact I was going to start a thread about it here but I wasn't sure how to word it. I lost the love of my life on Sept 3rd and for the first couple of months there wasn't a minute that I wasn't thinking of him and dwelling on my pain. Now over the the past few weeks I feel a moment of light heartedness or catch myself laughing at something funny, or find myself taking selfish pleasure in something and then I'll be seized by a feeling of guilt or betrayal and whatever happiness or joy I was feeling for moment will instantly be gone. I think part of it is guilt in that since his life was stolen from him I don't deserve to be happy or like it's a dishonor to him for me to move forward. I think another part of it is wanting to hold onto him as tightly as I can and letting go of the pain feels like letting go of him and I don't want to do that. I don't want him to become the past. I don't want him to be just a distant memory. I still love him deeply and I don't want my love for him to die.

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Hello everyone, I thank everyone who participated and continues to participate in this thread. Your responses have helped me immensely. You have all made such good points and it has helped me very much. Please know that. I will continue re-reading these posts. I thank all of you who have helped with your words of wisdom. Things, this feeling of dishonor has lightened up a bit because of your very responses. With kindest regards, Valerie

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Yadairaisabel

Hello Val!!!

Betrayal! I think we all deal with this feeling a lot more than we would like. My fiancé passed away 1 1/2 month ago. I put up a tree for the kids. And as I did this with a smile I began to feel this horrible feeling! How could I dare to smile while putting this tree up without my chuck? I felt guilty and had to stop. Thankfully my sister in law finished up the tree.

My therapist told me that it's a completely natural and normal feeling to have. But we must realize that it's ok to be at peace. The pain will never be forgotten and our loved ones will certainly not be forgotten.

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