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Do you envy those who with living and healthy parents?


Anamika

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I know, it's a silly, stupid and perhaps wrong question. :-) But I also know that when you lose a loved one, you go through a whirl of emotions before you find your peace & calm. It's quite journey with a mixed emotions that keep changing minute to minute, hour to hour.

Those of you who lost your parents relatively young, does your heart ache to see your friends and colleagues with happy, healthy and old parents? Do you feel like life wasn't fair to you? and that they will never understand what you are going through?

I know it's not a healthy thought but I also know that it's just temporary before we all find our peace. Just wanted to know if the fairness of life bother you when you look around and see people in the warmth & security of their parents, enjoying life and cracking jokes and having great family time together?

Just wanted to find out how each one of you is taking it..while we are all still on journey to come in terms with our dear loss.

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My father was killed when I was 14. I hated, and I mean hated each and every one of my friends whose father was alive. I went so far as to completely shun them. Just a few weeks ago, one of my friends had a baby, and her father got to hold the boy. My future children will never know their grandfather and it isn't fair to them either.

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I just lost my Mom about a month ago and that started for me just days after. I thought about how many people I knew that still had their mothers and some of these people are in their 70's! I get jealous. I think about how unfair it is and how I should still have my Mom, that I'm too young to be without her. I'm 27, been on my own since 21 but it's still beginning adulthood for me, when I feel like I need and WANT her most.

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stillfighting431

No Anamika, it's not silly at all.I lost my 71 year old mom when I was 41, 16 months ago.My uncles & aunts who're in the same age group,some're even older're still active & healthy...There's absolutely no change in their lives because of age...They're still following the same routines as they did ,10 or even 15 years ago.I know it's wrong to be envious of them, but I'm ashamed to say that I'm jealous of my cousins who're the same age as me & have 2 fully functioning active & healthy parents,while my mom's gone & my dad's not well.....

Everywhere I look I keep seeing mothers & daughters,laughing,enjoying life,making memories.I cry whenever I go outside & hear the word 'mama'....It hurts to visit the stores where we used to shop,places where we used to eat,the things we used to laugh at together.I still cry at every little thing that reminds me of her....Last month I went to get a B'day card for a friend & brokedown when I stumbled upon the mother's card section...I can't buy them any more...I've lost that privilege...

I've a theory which may sound quite absurd but it's from my personal experience,people who are kind,unselfish ,loving & thinking of other's needs rather than their own,like our parents,give so much of themselves away that they just physically burnout.But people who are self centered ,cold,distant,uncaring & don't let anyone get too close to them ,not even their own children live much longer.May be that's the price you have to pay for getting a lifetime worth of unconditional love but losing that person much sooner than others.May be I've gone a little crazy with grief but do let me know what you think.Why it had to be our parents...they never hurt anyone.they were kind,generous,compassionate people.I look around,I see people, the same age amy mom,some of 'em are complete waste of space,but fit as oxes....makes me so mad....

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Megan, Sweatpea, Stillfighting- Thanks for your responses.

Sweetpea - I agree with you. Me and my sister started this "weighing and comparing" ages of parents of our friends and neighbors soon after our father's death. Our heart ached when old couples visited us with their children, the way they were laughing and going about their lives, how they still had the "family nest" so intact and strong! An old couple visited us in motorcyles and we almost cried after they left, feeling so sorry for ourselves and more importantly, for our poor mother who lost her soulmate, her companion and friend! Amongst my close circle of friends, noone has lost a parent - they are all still healthy and enjoying their lives. So nobody really understands what I go through though they are all sorry for my loss. Many of the parents are older, some even have ailments such as diabetes or hypertension but nothing that prevents them from enjoying day to day life. We were also unknowingly, preparing a notebook of those who are still around, how they are doing. We feel we were less fortunate.

Stillfighting - My parents are the same way. I do not know if I have known a person and if I will ever know someone who is as unselfish, unconditional, non-judgmental and giving like my father was. He was so full of love for his children and just lived for us. He never did anything for his own comfort or enjoyment, something that hurts me. I thought he would live at least another 10-15 years and we will have plenty of opportunities to do something for him. I think you might be right that they just burn themselves out in the process of caring for others. My father cared for 3 families and was a problem solver for everyone around. He had a heart of gold and my mom was totally dependent on him. I look at my dad's eldest sis, who is in 80's and going strong, she is not unconditional and not so attached to even her own children. So perhaps there is something in what you said.

Whatever be the case, I think we are very unlucky. But remember this, everyone, pretty much everyone around us will have to go through this some day or the other. We should be thankful for whatever time we had with our parents. A friend of mine told me that first loss in life is even more devastating...as you are caught offgaurd and going through a loss for the first time.

I am so sorry for you. Let's stay together in this and try yo emerge out of this - stronger, healthier. Let's not create a mental block to the possibilities of a happy life.

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Helpheartsheal

I feel exactly the same. I know it sounds very silly but its totally normal. I became jealous when I saw children with their fathers, I also got angry when people had 60years with their parents before they passed, I always used to wonder why they thought it was so unfair...i only had 18 years with my dad.

These feelings do soon go, but its a natural part of grief.

Never feel like the feelings you have are wierd, they never will be.

X

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I agree. Hope these feelings are natural and go away with time. But at the moment, it's hard seeing people with very old loved ones, so happy. I am sure these feelings will,clear very soon. Take care.

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I'm really glad I came across this post.

Lately I feel really jealous when I see people with their mothers..I'm avoiding TV shows and movies that involved families. It's gotten to the point where I'll see an older woman and be jealous of her too. There's no hatred towards anyone just jealousy and a lot of longing. I was starting to feel like I was a bad person for it. I really do hope the feelings pass but I think that seeing someone with their mother is always going to hurt on some level, even if it's a small throb.

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I totally understand what u r going through. I get similar feelings time to time too. It gets better as time passes by. My heart aches when I my friends with their old and healthy parents, enjoying their love and shadow of protection...but know that time will heal these thoughts. It's human to look around, compare..especially when the death is untimely and unexpected. ..untimely deaths are always harder...don't worry dear..it will all get better...everyone will have to go through what we do some day....death is always so painful...hang in there...we will fight it out together..

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BreathofAngel

Warm greetings, Anamika

In reply to your main subject matter, no, I do not envy those who have healthy parents who are alive. Rather, I consider them to be blessed. Life is so short in this world that those who have their parents are to be considered most blessed and we should never feel envy for them for that is not a healthy thing to do nor is it spiritual to feel that way. Anything that would bring a negative connotation unto others for the celebration of their parents who are still alive should be avoided at all costs, even the thought should not exist.

Life without one's parents may not seem fair to many but as a Christian I know that God makes no mistakes. When He remembers a person and calls them back home it is for a purpose, for a reason. Their life's journey has ended and now they are called to their Heavenly reward of peace and tranquility. For those whose parents remain with them we should be as supporting to them as we are capable of being. And just as a rose grows from being young and lasts to an older age, it then comes time for it to expire and so it is with human life. The passing of a person is an integral part of life itself as is their birth.

Therefore, we must behold every moment of life and honor our parents in such a way that they can smile down at us when they have reached their ultimate destination -- Heaven.

Many blessings to those who are suffering from the loss of their parent or both parents. May God be with you always and bring you strength, comfort, and great consolation.

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I am glad they are happy but yes I envy them. I just look at them and wish I had mine back and I hope they know how fortunate they are.

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Dear all-

I noticed the post, and came to read it, and I'd like to say how sorry I am that you have all experienced this loss. I lost my dad 35 years ago, while I was still in school. My baby sis was only 5 years old then.

It was horrible for me. I couldn't accept that he was gone at first. My dad was so kind and gentle. He was my hero, and he always believed in me. and Yes, I avoided going to my friends houses , where they were still lucky enough to have their dads, and for awhile, I was jealous.

In time, it went away, and in more time, I even was able to be happy for them.

I still miss my dad, and at times, I still cry. I cried when my children were born, that never knew him. At milestone events, I will think how proud or happy he would have been, and I tear up. I miss him especially at Christmas. But I was lucky to have had him, and I mostly remember how wonderful he was, now. At times, I've felt him close to me, especially in troubled times in my life. I wish I could tell you that in time, all the pain will go away. But for me, it never has, not completely. But it isn't always as intense as it was then, and it isn't always and all the time.

Megan, I've noticed you here, from time to time. I have wanted to tell you that I met your Dad once, when we were at a WWE match, and he signed a shirt for one of my nephews. He was really nice to us, and he seemed like a really great guy. I'm sorry for your loss, and can't imagine how hard it has been for you. I don't know if it helps, but he hasn't been forgotten by his fans, either. Wishing you well-

Silver

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Thanks for the great responses and sharing your thoughts. I am so sorry for everyone's loss. I think it's quite natural to feel a little jealous (even more) of others who has the blessings we just lost. I wouldn't call it unhealthy. It's required to go through a mixture/whirl of emotions, whatever it be, during the very painful phase of grieving. Eventually, I am sure we will outgrow those feelings and like Silvergirl mentioned, might even be able to be happy for them. It's just a matter of time until we get there. And there is nothing to be ashamed of whatever we feel. Don't feel guilty if you are feeling jealous. It only shows how much you valued your loss and how much you miss your loved one. Most people go through this phase and at some point, we will be able to walk away....feeling much better.

I agree with Silvergirl that the pain never really does go away. We will always cherish our loved one. I had lost my grand mom 7 years ago. In fact, I have lost so many people over the last 7 years. My grand mother, my grand father, My uncle and now my dad. I still see my grand mother in dreams at times and feel her strength during tough times. I still miss her and feel sad for the things I couldn't share with her. She used to live with us so we were very attached to her. So I know, I will never be able to overcome the grief of losing my dad which is even more intense and shattering. But with time, I hope I will be able to deal with it a lot better. Again, like silvergirl said let's be thankful that we even had them in our lives. What if we never had them to begin with?

Silvergirl - Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Is your mom still around and doing good? Hope you still have her love, warmth and security to enjoy. Take care

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My mom is still around, but her health is not so good anymore. She's in her mid eighties, though, so I guess it's to be expected, that her health would be fragile.

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GriefandSympathy

Dear Anamika

I am so sorry for your loss. I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural. It is normal to feel anger, jealousy, and all sorts of confusing emotions when you are coping with grief. I think it proves that we all have to appreciate our loved ones every day and make the most of them while we have them. I lost my Dad 18 months ago very suddenly, and I realise that I was very lucky to have some quality time with him over the last few years. I still have my mother, and she has been writing a website all about coping with grief since he died. She was a nurse for nearly 50 years and so has lots of experience. She's also an incredibly positive and inspiring person, so you might find some comfort in some of her words. I hope so. Try to treasure your memories and keep them alive. I wish you peace and hope for your future.

http://www.griefandsympathy.com/losingaparent.html

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Silvergirl - Great to hear you still have your mom around. I agree, you can't expect much when they are onto their eighties. I think there certainly is a difference in perspective and the way you cope with grief when our loved lived a full life and death was "timely". I know, no death is timely and there is no right time to lose a loved one. However when someone dies in their 90's, you at least know it's to be expected and they lived a great life and you had them in your life for so long. versus when death is totally untimely and unexpected, you feel like robbed, cheated and that life was unfair to you. and that your loved one was denied the natural cycle of life. We will all get over those with time but it's a fact that death is harder when it's unexpected and untimely.

GriefandSympathy - Thanks for your kind words. I will check out your mothers web site. Its great that she is able to find the positives in life and be able to inspire others. It is not easy at all. My mom always lived in the shadow of my father - she never had friends of her own, she never even grocery shopped on her own, never traveled alone and my dad did everything for her. So she is so lost and feels like there is no purpose to move on. She is still young and it breaks my heart. Anyways it's all destiny and there is no other way than to try and cope. How old was your father when he passed away? Was he ill for a while? I am so sorry for your loss and I admire your mom for being strong.

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GriefandSympathy

Hi Anamika

You are most welcome. Yes, I am lucky that my mother is such a positive person. Perhaps you could get your mother to read some of her pages, as it might help her to get out and about and find her own place in life. My Dad was 75 when he died very suddenly. He was fit and well, gardening and playing bridge until his last day. It was so sudden and an incredible shock. But what a brilliant way to go. I'd like to go like that. It certainly beats being ill for months or years. He had a great life, so we couldn't really feel sorry for ourselves.

My Mum just says, "I could sit and cry in a corner, but what good would that do?" and she goes out and plays bridge and makes friends and gets on with life. I hope her words will be helpful to some people.

http://www.griefandsympathy.com/howtodealwithgrief.html

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I would think it's pretty natural. My mom died suddenly 5 weeks ago and I find myself becoming envious of my own husband. He has both of his parents...my father in law is an 8 year survivor of pancreatic cancer and my husband and I always thought we would lose his dad first. Fortunately, we still have him around. Getting back on topic, I know that I find myself not wanting to go over my in-laws house because it's a reminder that my own momma is no longer here. They're wonderful people and have been so caring during this time especially, but it's still something that makes me jealous. You're not alone In this one. I'm sorry for your loss and we are all here to help and listen

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chandralynn2012

I lost my mom February 24 of last year, she was 60 years old.. my husband's parents are both still very alive- only 20 years older than we are. I am both jealous and thankful for them at the same time. I am thankful, because I know how long they will be around, and that I get to build a mother-daughter relationship with my mother in law. I will actually have more years with her than I did my own mother..In fact, I'm pretty sure they will be chasing my grandchildren around. I am jealous just because my husband still has his mother. Every once in awhile he will get frustrated or angry with her and he'll make a comment about how annoying she is, or some other mean remark about her personality in general. I look at him, serious as I can be and say "Don't talk like that about your mom. I would trade places with you in a hot second." People who have never lost a parent have no idea what it feels like, or the hurt they inflict when they take what they have for granted.

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I do all the time. I see older people and I say, " my dad should of got that old"

I look at my husbands father and grand parents and I am very envious

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These feelings are only natural and eventually you will get over those. I went through all these in full force and sometimes still do but I handle it well now. I have begun to feel happy for those who still have their parents and sometimes even trying to see a father or mother like figure in them. Don't be ashamed of what or how you feel. It's all part of grieving and eventually these will fade away. We will be able to accept and love and be happy for others blessings. For now allow yourself to feel whatever you do. Take care dear ones. You aren't alone.

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RedheadedSunshine

I would have to say I am a little envious of my husband he has both of his parents living. His mother is lazy and refuses to get out of bed (long story behind this). She makes me so angry that I had to watch my mother wither away - I refuse to have anything to do with his mother at this point. While I am envious and angry, I feel like I am very blessed with the time I did have with my mother. At certain points things did not make sense but now after she has passed I seem to understand some things.

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Grievingformom

You shouldn't be envious, we all come into this world for a reason, and we all have to leave it for a reason. Even though your husbands parents are still around, they WILL eventually go also!!!

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Anamika,

I lost my mom just over 6 months ago, and it still hurts horribly when I think of her or am reminded of her. The first couple of months when others would even mention their parents I would get mad. I am 25 and lost the only parent I've ever had, and it would make me sooooo mad that others twice my age still had both of theirs. I would get mad at my own sister (half-sister) who knows and gets along with her father and step-mom, and father-in-law. I have no parents. I guess I'm still getting used to that fact, because for those first few months I would walk out of a room or honestly just have to leave, I couldn't handle it. It didn't feel fair to me at all. Now slowly I'm accepting the fact she is gone, but it still hurts to see others who have a close relationship with their parents. I know when they talk about them its not to throw it in my face, but it still stings a bit. I guess it's just going to take more time for me to grieve and get through this whole first year thing. Hope you are doing well.

-Dani

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For me, I'm not sure if envy was the right word..... In the beginning, when others would talk about their Dad, I felt a little sad, and it made me miss my Dad. But....my Dad has been gone going on to 4 years now, and it doesn't bother me anymore when people talk about their fathers. Nowadays, I just feel grateful for the time I had with my Dad. And besides, in the end, we are all dead men walking, it's just a matter of time, that's all.

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Yes. It's been 13 days. I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel like such a horrible person for feeling this envious, especially when her younger brother enjoys his grandkids in front of me. Yet my own mom at 69 didn't get a chance to have grandchildren of her own. I've had one prayer in recent months, and that was for my parents to have life long and healthy enough to be at my future wedding and enjoy their grandkids. I'm 38, single. She didn't even make it till April when she would have seen me get my MD degree. She supported me all the way, emotionally, financially. Every time I had an exam in med school, she'd pray for me (I had a career change 4 years ago). I wish I would have found a good guy and gotten married and had kids for her to enjoy. I wish I wasn't such a difficult person growing up. I wish I would have taken my own recently acquired medical knowledge and treated my mom, and not trust her primary physician who dismissed my mom's leg pain to just being arthritis.

Would've, could've, should've. My religious beliefs say that the day was written, and there's no escaping. That's how I get myself to stop feeling so regretful.

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I understand all the feelings. It's very hard not to look into the blessings of others that we don't have, in terms of love & relationships. However it does get easy and better with time. Ad eventually we will be able to be happy for them, and the great blessing of living parents, that they still have. Until you get to this point, it's okay to feel the way you do. No need to feel guilty or try to push you to forget those feelings. It will eventually come. I am so extremely sorry for your losses. And know that you are not alone in what you feel. Again no one can have the blessings forever, everyone will have to go through what we do now, some day. Time doesn't spare anyone.

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Losing both my parents at a young age, all of my peers still lived with theirs. It would be quite frustrating when trying to deal with the loss to have a friend complaining about something little to do with their parents. So many times I would get the urge to tell them, "Hey, why don't you get over it and be thankful that they're still there?" but I guess over time I just started to accept the fact that it was normal, and stopped letting it bother me so much.

It's interesting actually, I've gotten so use to it that lately my girlfriend's mother pointed out to her, "You shouldn't complain about us to him," and when she asked why she goes, "Because his parents are gone..." and she felt SO bad. She wouldn't let herself bring up her parents or anything like that. Meanwhile I had barely been noticing it.

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I do all the time. I see older people and I say, " my dad should of got that old"

I look at my husbands father and grand parents and I am very envious

I feel the same way, that my parents--especially my father, who tended to stay healthy--should have been really old before they died. My father was having flu-like symptoms, off and on, and died early this month about two weeks after it started. He was 67, a little old, still younger than normal for death. Maybe he should have gotten a flu shot; it seemed like he didn't need it since he would never get sick; he felt that way.

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Silvergirl - Great to hear you still have your mom around. I agree, you can't expect much when they are onto their eighties. I think there certainly is a difference in perspective and the way you cope with grief when our loved lived a full life and death was "timely". I know, no death is timely and there is no right time to lose a loved one. However when someone dies in their 90's, you at least know it's to be expected and they lived a great life and you had them in your life for so long. versus when death is totally untimely and unexpected, you feel like robbed, cheated and that life was unfair to you. and that your loved one was denied the natural cycle of life. We will all get over those with time but it's a fact that death is harder when it's unexpected and untimely.

I agree about the age of death. Everyone dies sometime, and if they made it to around 80 or so, that's good. I wanted my parents to live long; I thought about that especially after my mother died at only 52 years old.

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Megan, Sweatpea, Stillfighting- Thanks for your responses.

Sweetpea - I agree with you. Me and my sister started this "weighing and comparing" ages of parents of our friends and neighbors soon after our father's death. Our heart ached when old couples visited us with their children, the way they were laughing and going about their lives, how they still had the "family nest" so intact and strong! An old couple visited us in motorcyles and we almost cried after they left, feeling so sorry for ourselves and more importantly, for our poor mother who lost her soulmate, her companion and friend! Amongst my close circle of friends, noone has lost a parent - they are all still healthy and enjoying their lives. So nobody really understands what I go through though they are all sorry for my loss. Many of the parents are older, some even have ailments such as diabetes or hypertension but nothing that prevents them from enjoying day to day life. We were also unknowingly, preparing a notebook of those who are still around, how they are doing. We feel we were less fortunate.

I agree about comparing ages of parents. Mine died too young, 52 and 67, though 67 is a little up there, at least.

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Yes, kind of, particularly if the parents are old, having the proper length of life. My mom died at 52 in late 2004, and then I thought about age of parents and that my dad should live long and it's good if someone's parent or other loved one is 80+, or at least 70, when they die. My dad died recently at 67. I like that it's a little old; still not as old as he should have been. It's younger than normal, and I thought he was supposed to live a long time as he tended to never get sick. Then in late January and early February (this year, 2013) he had flu-like symptoms. He died when that was going on, after about two weeks.

I think about how my aunt's husband's parents are both living in their early 80s. I wish my parents or at least one of them was that way.

When I look at the ages in the obituaries, the vast majority are 80+, but I see some other young people. I don't like for my parents to be younger than almost everyone else dying, and I like knowing other people who lost a loved one who was young.

I actually enjoy the show Wife Swap. Even as I have been without my mom for a while. It's a reality show about families/moms. Those are young families; most of the parents are in their 30s; that's probably why I can handle the show.

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catherine93

It's been 10 years since my Dad passed and I moved away from the family home nearly 2 years ago to go to uni. So this is no longer really a problem for me cos none of us live with parents anymore.

However, one of my flatmates is really close to both her parents. They skype pretty much every day, and she always talks about them all the damn time and they are so involved in her life even though she has moved away. This makes me envious to the point of irrationally angry and I just have to walk away. The injustice and the unfairness is what gets you.

This was way worse when I was at school and my friends would be moaning about their parents and I would be like 'You don't even know how lucky you are to be able to moan about them. just stfu'.

It basically just isn't fair whose parents die and whose live to be a fair age. There simply isn't any justice to it. So envy is natural. But you've got to remember its not the fault of others who have healthy parents, and they don't really understand and, whilst they sympathise, most simply cannot empathise. And they would feel really crappy if they knew that their existence was upsetting to you. Not much can be done about this one. Life is unfair. We've gotta just try and battle on through.

But remember the envy is natural, and so is the blame on whomever you can. It's not your fault and you can't allow yourself to feel guilty. Not even in the slightest. We're doing just fine.

Cat xxx

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catherine93

I also completely agree with the comparing of ages of parents (thank god, i thought i was the only person who did that!)

My dad passed when he was 45 and whenever one of my friend's parents hit that birthday i was just angry.

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I can understand you all feeling that way, but consider this: some people's parents live to a ripe old age but they aren't close (perhaps even totally "estranged") and will never have even half of the good memories that people who were close to their parents but lost them at an early age have. Pls don't take that wrong, losing a parent is one of the hardest things we can endure regardless, of course; just think that it's worth keeping in mind that there are all kinds of ways to be lucky and unlucky regarding parents.

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i lost my mum when I was 11, and i cherish the times i have had with her at least i was lucky to get those years.. I am jealous of people who still have thier mum, its an emotion I cannot help not to feel. But i dont think, about fairness of life , I take life as it is, with its happy and sad..the only thing, what upsets me when people dont appreciate their parents, dont realise what they have got. I just want to tell them to stop complaining and cherish the time together...

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NancyNBloom

I'm so sorry you lost your Mom at such a young age. I would have been devastated if that had occurred to me. Although my Mom lived longer, she died at 62 last April. And I find myself feeling very jealous of people who have their parents living into their 80s and more. I wonder, "Why did my Mom have to die so young?" So no matter how old we are, we still have some of those same feelings. I know there is a lot I cannot even begin to understand that you have been through. But I do relate to that feeling.

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I completely feel this way. My mom just passed away 1/12/13 and she was only 58. I thought I had 20-30 more years with her. Both of her parents are still alive...I always thought I would lose my grandparents before my mom. My husband has both his parents and I am a bit jealous of him. My mom got sick very suddenly and then we only had 2 months with her, and in those final weeks I would see elderly women and think how unfair it is that my mom doesn't get to grow old.

I am also about to have my first baby and when I see a gramma with her grandchild, I feel so devastated (and a little resentful) that my baby won't have her gramma. I have a few friends who are pregnant, and their moms will be there when their babies come, and it just makes me grief stricken that I don't get that. I NEVER thought my mom wouldn't be here when my children were born.

I'm not mad at people with both parents, in fact I am glad they don't know this pain yet...I just feel cheated.

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I loss my dad 10 months ago and then my mom tomorrow will be a month for her . I’m a complete mess . I’m Yelling at my husband he goes to his parents sometimes stay all day I’m heartbroken and it’s not a time to flaunt you got yours . I think sometimes people make it harder for us to heal . I feel all alone in this world. I feel angry and actually hate too . I wish I didn’t feel like this I’m overwhelmed with emotions. Hate how my life is without them .

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jinnycabbie

i feel very jealous and envious of people who have functioning vibrant active parents.  i look at them with a sense and pang of sadness and sorrow. its been almost 2 months since my father passed away.  it hurts so much i get triggers with i see elderly men who for a split second resemble my dad.  

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unluckydaughter

Anamika, thanks for asking this question! I lost my beloved dad 3 months ago and this is the exact feeling that I have! Jealous, angry, frustrated, I feel like screaming why this happened to me. Couple of friends have shared their trifles in these past 3 months. I feel like yelling at them and asking them to shut up. I have stopped messaging them. What I’m going through is bigger for me. I’m to a point where if someone didn’t have to face death of a loved one, then what they are facing is a trifle. My dad was an ever helping, ever kind person. If he is gone then what is the point of being nice and compassionate to others? I’m afraid I’m developing rudeness which is not the real me. I get jealous and angry when my 3 year old daughter talks with her paternal grandparents. My dad loved her a lot and loved listening to her. He wanted to teach her music. I feel devastated that he won’t be present in my or my daughter’s future milestones. Like someone mentioned, I cannot stop comparing ages of my friends’ parents with that of my dad’s. He was 63 and healthy but covid took him away unexpectedly. I get angry when I see happy families enjoying and flaunting pictures. They have no worries in their lives at all. But my dad who was humble and loving is gone. 10 days after my dad passed away, my extended family celebrated my cousin’s birthday. While I know that this is my family’s loss alone, I feel like they could have avoided this celebration.. I was angry to a point where I cursed them. Then immediately felt why am I reacting this way.. When dad was in hospital, I even begged for prayers to my extended family where some did not even respond. Instead they were sharing jokes in our chat group. I have cursed them too. Sad, angry because such non-empathetic people also live happily. My in-laws didn’t offer condolences to me. They are living happily. My dad and mom’s brothers, whom we consider as close family members have moved on not just with their regular activities, but also doing ceremonies, parties and what not. They are all living happily. Why this injustice?!! My mind is not under my control these days. I don’t wanna share these feelings even with my husband coz he wouldn’t understand my pain. Well, why would he understand he has both parents living healthy. 

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On 7/12/2021 at 5:59 PM, jinnycabbie said:

i feel very jealous and envious of people who have functioning vibrant active parents.  i look at them with a sense and pang of sadness and sorrow. its been almost 2 months since my father passed away.  it hurts so much i get triggers with i see elderly men who for a split second resemble my dad.  

Dear jinnycabbie,

I feel this way too. I see these elderly men in the mall or going for coffee and think that's my dad. Why can't my dad still be walking around and having his coffee and seeing his friends? It's really hard. I don't know if I will ever accept it.

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Dear unluckydaughter,

I hear you. It's really hard when family and friends are so insensitive and lack compassion and caring when we need them the most.

Please know we are with you and you can share anything with us.

 

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melancholyandmemories

I am new here but happy to be here with people who understand. I lost my sister in 2012 and it’s been so hard.  I’m currently dealing with that grief but also my father. He is still with me but has memory loss and very sick all the time with serious issues. I feel like sometimes he’s already gone. He doesn’t remember my name at times or my existence and it hurts me to see the man that raised me become this fragile person. I can feel it in my bones he doesn’t have long and I try to prepare myself for it but it breaks me especially as a daddy’s girl. No one in my life understands. My dad is still relatively young—in his early 60s. I just get so angry that I didn’t get the years with him other people get with their dad. Most people have dads right now that they don’t have to take care of or worry about excessively. They get to live life with their dad for years to come. A full life. One thing that makes me so angry in particular: I don’t have kids yet but they won’t know him as the true person he is...just this fragile shell of what he used to be. I often find myself reminiscing about old memories....Christmas cookie decorating, Saturday morning with his favorite college football radio station playing while he makes pancakes, sitting on his shoulders while we walk to get ice cream by the lake, him making my favorite pie every year for my birthday, and our secret “I love you” saying we would tell each other before saying bye....he doesn’t remember it anymore....I just feel like I can’t do this sometimes. My heart is broken. 

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Dear melancholyandmemories,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's health and everything you are going through. (((hugs))) Your feelings are completely understandable. I know it's not easy coping with all the changes. I was going to suggest this website Aging Care where they offer additional supports. So many adult children caring for parents. Lots of compassion and support on that forum as well.

Thinking of you.

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I'm Prince papias... From rwanda

I lost my mother while I was 10 years old. From that day I really feel that jealous and get somewhat envy on My age mates when they are with their moms talking and mostly when I see their beautiful pictures together. 

After like 10years in 2019 I get a comfort zone which started healing My heart day by day that is @Legiomaria

our holy mother Maria is always waiting for us to help us feel better.

But what I can encourage others here who have an issue like mine is to have faith and believe in our almighty God and pray for his wisdom and holy spirit to lead them in their everyday activities.

Thank you 💕

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I lost my mother a few months ago very very suddenly, I am 22 and lost her 2 days before my birthday. To be honest, I look at my friends and I feel saddened that they will feel the same way I feel some day and I don’t want that for them… I have to admit though whenever they complain about their parents I feel a twinge of pain because I hope they appreciate what they have before it’s too late

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OP:

Thank you for asking this question as it is also on mind constantly. I lost my mom to cancer exactly 5 months ago today and I am not the same person I was 5 months ago. Part of me died with her. She was my best friend. We had the same mindset and I could talk to her about anything. Many people would consider it unfair to feel this way but I can't help it; I just do. When I hear other people (and I seem to be meeting many of them) talking about how their mom or dad is in their 90s, I am overcome with emotion (mostly consisting of jealousy) and feel like telling them "do you have ANY idea how lucky you are??". I get annoyed that they still have a parent and I am now an orphan. It just isn't fair, I say to myself. Why did this friggin' cancer come along and take my mom when she was always in pretty good health. In a weird ironic twist, her doctor told her she would probably live until 120 only weeks before she started having symptoms.

I think any of us that lost a parent feel this way, whether we admit it or not. It's a natural emotion. In fact, I don't need to look far. My aunt (mom's sister) is still alive and celebrated her 90th last November. I feel resentment towards her; she should have been gone before my mom. Once again, it is not fair. She has battled health problems for years but no cancer; hence, she is still here. Perhaps it is part of the grieving process but these thoughts are always with me. Occasionally I will see clients who are in their 90s and the same thoughts run through my mind. The circle of life is very cruel. While the emotions do subside with time (at least they did in my case), the feelings of loss do not. In my mind, I am constantly reliving the last few weeks, days, hours and even minutes of mom's life. Life does go on but it is a very different life: music doesn't sound the same, the sky doesn't look the same, work is less satisfying. I don't feel like a complete person any longer. There is a piece missing that can never be replaced.

Thank you once again, OP, for confirming that I am not the only one who feels this way. Talking about it with someone who understands is extremely helpful and cathartic.

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