Devastated

[Tab]

Hello

I have come here to....I am not sure.

I am struggling to cope and come to terms with all that has transpired over the last 7 months. I am going to a beaverment counselor through hospice but an hour once very two weeks has been all but moot in help so I am still searching for...help(?).

I lost my fiancée Nov. 10 to the 'monster' (what we called it) adenocarcinoma of the stomach. Diagnosed on May 10th. I was her caregiver through the ordeal.

I am having a hard time with the loss of my love/confidante/friend, the manner in which the monster took her (she was a gentle, loving, positive woman being destroyed by an insidiously cruel monster) and my situation at this time.

During the time I was her caregiver which kept me grounded and from thinking of the inevitable. It was the very next morning after her death when my world came crashing down.

From that point on I feel as if I have died inside. I am a shell of my former self.

We planned to be married April 13th. The 13th because she felt it would be easier for me to remember since her birthday is August 13th. The type of girl she was. My silly goose, my babygirl, who made sure I was well taken care of.

I have to end this...even this is killing me.

I love her deeply and miss her terribly.

[widower2]

Tab, I'm terribly sorry. My beloved passed from cancer and I was her caregiver as well. Yours has just happened though and the first thing I would say is you must realize dealing with this takes time, and lots of it. I remember those first days/weeks/etc. Pure hell. But try to just take one day at a time. I'm glad you're going to a grief counselor - it (like everything else) isn't some magic answer to make the pain immediately go away or solve all your problems, but it can help, perhaps more than you realize in the long run. If you don't feel it's helping or you don't care for the counselor for whatever reason, try another if you can. Some places offer these services for free. And there this is place and these people here, to listen whenever you wish. I know it seems impossible but try to hang on. I'm sure your loved one would agree you're well worth it, though you may feel otherwise now.

[Yadairaisabel]

Dear tab

I am truly sorry for the passing of your fiancé. I can tell with your words that you both shared a true and deep love for each other. I like many others here understand your pain. This coming up Monday will be a month that my fiancé chuck passed away. It was a unexpected death we are still unsure of what happened he had a seizure as I held him thru it I felt how his life simply slipped away. We have a three yr old son and a now 6 week old daughter. He was the light of my day we were a team when one was missing out of the equation nothing worked. I'm missing my other half. And my heart simply slipped away with him. I suggest you continue counseling. One thing that has helped me is journaling. I write him a letter everyday in my journal. There I share my feelings with my best friend. She may be physically gone but the love you both shared will always be there.

God bless

[UnderHis Wings]

Hello

I have come here to....I am not sure.

I am struggling to cope and come to terms with all that has transpired over the last 7 months. I am going to a beaverment counselor through hospice but an hour once very two weeks has been all but moot in help so I am still searching for...help(?).

I lost my fiancée Nov. 10 to the 'monster' (what we called it) adenocarcinoma of the stomach. Diagnosed on May 10th. I was her caregiver through the ordeal.

I am having a hard time with the loss of my love/confidante/friend, the manner in which the monster took her (she was a gentle, loving, positive woman being destroyed by an insidiously cruel monster) and my situation at this time.

During the time I was her caregiver which kept me grounded and from thinking of the inevitable. It was the very next morning after her death when my world came crashing down.

From that point on I feel as if I have died inside. I am a shell of my former self.

We planned to be married April 13th. The 13th because she felt it would be easier for me to remember since her birthday is August 13th. The type of girl she was. My silly goose, my babygirl, who made sure I was well taken care of.

I have to end this...even this is killing me.

I love her deeply and miss her terribly.

Unbelievable! My heart aches for you. My husband of almost 43 years was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma on May 10, 2012, also. He was in horrible pain throughout the ordeal. One time he started crying at the hospital and I cried with him. An angel date is the day the person passed away. My husband died the first week of September. Thankfully, before he was diagnosed, we had bought funeral expenses insurance and had purchased a cemetery plot. The headstone that I selected was put in place a few days ago. I saw it for the first time today.

I know you're having a hard time as many of us are. I just pray to get through one day at a time. If the hospice counselors aren't able to help, I suggest talking to your family doctor about an antidepressant. Ask for one that doesn't cause weight gain.

We will be here to listen whenever you feel the need to share, Tab.

[Tab]

Thank you widower2, Yadairaisabel and Underhiswings

I appreciate any and every advice offered. I feel that this place may be of help since everyone here has suffered a loss and because of that can immediately understand what is going on within us without question or judgement.

At this point I feel that I am along for the ride wherever my emtions wish to take me. I feel I have no control over any aspect of myself or life itself. This is very alien to me, making feel all the more lost.

I am doing/experiencing things which are new to me, such as; voicing outloud my thoughts to no one in particular, talking to her, becoming aware that I am doing a task around the house without any idea of what prompted me to do so and feeling that she guided me, feeling that some of my thoughts she planted, feeling that she is attempting to message me via ?coincidental? moments. Example: the morning after she passed away I took a commuter train and rode all day into the night until I was exhausted. When I got on the train a passenger and her daughter got on at the next stop and seated themselves behind me. The child had a music player and the very first song from it was "I Will Follow Him". I lost it. There couldn't have been a more perfect song. I needed to get off at some point to have a smoke and not sure where I was I looked for a marker o guide me back to the train platform. What struck me was that there was a sign directly over the platform that said "Be Merry". I lost it again. My Kellie was an extremely positive person. Our place has wall plaques and wall stencils with positive phrases so this struck me as a sign by her. It was a grey, rainy day I rode the train but each and every time I stepped off the train to take a walk or have a smoke the sun would break through and I kept feeling that it was her because one of my many terms of endearment for her was 'sunshine'.

I am equating anything good that is bestowed upon me, even the smallest thing, to her.

I have begun to read a lot of articles on afterlife by thouse that have actually been considered clinically dead only to revive. Many of the articles give me hope because they all have a common scenario; loved ones recognizing you and meeting you to take you into the afterlife. I am a nonspiritual man, feeling we make our own Heaven or Hell here on Earth but as of late I have this fear welling up in me that if there is a Heaven, my Kellie is there and I may not be able to be with her because of my beliefs and that erodes away my hope to be with her again.

All of this makes me feel as if I am losing my mind and chasing rainbows as well as even dooming myself.

[Yadairaisabel]

Tab,

Believe me you are not going crazy. The night that chuck passed away I kept myself together in a way that I can't understand to this day. The next day I went to the funeral home with my in laws and I felt like he planted exactly what he wanted in my head. The day of his funeral I finally broke down in the car and something told me to turn on the radio. There was a song playing I yet have an idea of what it's called but the lyrics started of with if tonight I lay to not wake I pray The Lord my soul to keep for I'm ready for my funeral. Don't cry for me for all these songs I've made for you. My chuck loved music and wrote many songs I took that as a sign from him. I feel like he is with me all the time and that comforts me a lot I've felt his touch and everything so don't think you are going crazy because you are not.

[Tab]

don't think you are going crazy because you are not

Thank you Yadairaisabel. That means a lot.

The song you were referring to is Kid Cudi - The Prayer

I've felt his touch and everything

I have come across this in various articles I have recently read on afterlife and I find myself hopeful because I want so badly to feel her touch again. We were always in physical contact; side by side on the sofa, hand in hand wherever we walked, her head on my chest while I stroked her hair as we talked when we were bedded down for the night, kisses at every opportunity.

[Yadairaisabel]

Thank you Yadairaisabel. That means a lot.

The song you were referring to is Kid Cudi - The Prayer

I have come across this in various articles I have recently read on afterlife and I find myself hopeful because I want so badly to feel her touch again. We were always in physical contact; side by side on the sofa, hand in hand wherever we walked, her head on my chest while I stroked her hair as we talked when we were bedded down for the night, kisses at every opportunity.

Thanks for giving me the name of the song! I've done my research on the topic myself specially after the things that have been going on. And considering my dads near death experience where he told me that the place he went to was beautiful filled with so much love and peace he can't even describe it. I was also very close to chuck to give you an example that always makes me smile. When I was pregnant with our daughter we lived on a third floor. We were in the process of buying our house but the closing was November 16th and I was due October 15 th and by mid September I was sooo big I couldn't go up the stairs so taking care of me like always he moved us to his parents there we had two twin beds one for each. Chuck was 6'3 and 280 pounds and I was really big but we were so close that we couldn't sleep if we weren't next to each other so every night we would squeeze into one bed I've cried out to him a lot during thru this month every second of my day. Our son always wakes up looking for him. Chuck believed in the after life and I know he is just trying to comfort me. Give her time and ask to be comforted. Pray for her to be surrounded by the love and peace of our Heavenly Father even if your not very spiritual. Believe me I'm not exactly very spiritual myself but if when our loved ones were here physically present we wished them well why shouldn't we continue to do the same now.

Today marks 4 weeks of chucks death I still can't believe this happened but if he is out there listening I hope he knows how much I love him and my loyalty to him goes beyond death. My life will never be right without him.

Please feel free to message me I know you are hurting believe me everyone on here understand the pain. We all go thru the pain sorrow sleepless nights and even guilt. It's good to talk about how we feel.