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5 weeks today


dsmurph

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Today it has been 5 weeks since our 14 year old took her own life. Everyday is hard for us, but I think Thursdays are going to be especially hard. I was turning the channels on tv this morning and saw her favorite band, Arcade Fire, on TV. She was sooo full of life, just like that band. I just can't understand why. She was not depressed. We had a good morning, she got caught being on websites instead of doing her schoolwork. No yelling , just calm talking, 20 minutes later she was gone. She was so beautiful and had her whole life ahead of her. We had been planning for college and her drivers permit. I just can't believe it. I wake up every morning with the realization of what happened and the things she doesn't get to do and the guilt of things I didn't do with her or could have done differently. We get no more time, we get no more chances. It is final for now. I pray I get to be with her again one day. Until then I pray everyday just to get through that day and also to be strong for my husband, 22 yr. old and 6 yr. old. I just wish it wasn't this way. Debbie

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I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. My 5 year old daughter Charlotte drowned in a swimming pool 16 months ago. The first weeks without her were so bad. The shock took a long time to wear off. Unfortunately you ight find that it gets worse before it gets better. I too have 2nsurviving children that I have to continue to parent even though I sometimes just want to curl up and die myself. Their pain is hard to bear as well so that's added pain on top of pain! I also struggle with guilt because I let them go to the pool with my husband when I wasn't going to be there. I think I made one mistake, one lapse in judgement for which I'm serving a life sentence. I try to remind myself that I didn't know that was going to happen and if I did, I would have moved mountains to save her! I guess that has to be enough. One thing that helped us is going to compassionate friends meetings. You could Check the website to see if there are any chapters in your area. Also, if you post on the Loss of an adult child forum on this site you will be welcomed there. There are bereaved parents of children of all ages so don't worry about the "adult" name. Again I'm so sory that you have to walk this journey.

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Debbie,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost an adult daughter last March, of a head injury; she suffered from depression & had struggled with drugs; there is still no official decision by police as to the circumstances of her death - whether it was an accident or foul play. I also have a son who tried to take his own life and failed. I don't know if your daughter was quietly depressed, but I hope you realize that these decisions can be very impulsive - it sounds like you were a wonderful mother.

Susan

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Thank You both Susan and Char's Mom for your insight and kind words. Emily was always impulsive but I always admired her for her bravery in everything she did. No matter what new activity she persued she would always jump in there and do it with confidence, like she had been doing it all her life. My oldest daughter and I would say," When she gets older, if can learn how to channel that, she will be something great." We just knew she would. Emily may have been quietly depressed. She seemed to be grouchy quite a bit but Emily was always that way, so I just figured that was her. Days after it happened I remembered clearly that my 14th year was when I struggled the most with life and myself. I wish I had really thought about that before and possibly prevented this. We are eventually going to try a support group here through Hospice, for any parent suffering from a loss of a child. They also have a group for my 6 year old. I don't really know what to do with that. She was here when it happened. I don't think she saw anything. But she may have and is not telling me. We talk alot. But the lady at Hospice said she may not be telling me everything to protect me and her Father. I'm really trying to deal with this in a healthy way, but like Char's Mom said,"Sometimes I just want to curl up and die." My husband and I have talked about this and know we can't, for each other and our daughters. But it is such a strong pull. I am going to check out the compassionate friends group. Thanks, Debbie

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