How to keep loving survivng children?

[johnnysmama]

I am having a :(hard time talking to and showing love to my 2 surving teenage daughters.  I know I still love them-but I am having a hard time with showing them or talking to them.  They don't come to me much either.  I know I feel like I am  afraid to love them as I fear losing them,too.   Some of it is their age and their personalities-they are very quiet anyway.  Their brother we lost 1 year ago was loud and like a whirlwind and more maintenance for us.  I feel so guilty but honestly I am having a hard time showing love to anyone.  It's like i need to keep things more superficial as I am just making it through my days because I have to.  I guess I need help feeling like a Mom again or wanting to.  It is so painful to me to care. I still feel numb.

My question is how you have gone back to being a mother or father to those surving children?  Please share with me your great wisdom on how you did it.  I have already learned so much from your sharing here.

 

Johnnysmama

[shellbellsmom]

I think I have the opposite problem...I only have one child left now; he's now an only child, and my baby at age 21.  For his birthday last week we gave him a trip to Las Vegas- and he’s been getting the royal treatment since my daughters passing.  I don’t know if it's out of guilt or fear.  If he needs money I just hand it over with no questions asked.  I call him, worry about him, and try to spend as much time as he will with me.  He’s not always so eager though.

This is the total opposite of how I used to be.  I made my daughter and son work for most things they wanted.  I didn’t just hand them money without expecting them to do something for me.  I thought it would build good strong characters.  Little good that did for my daughter except she died being a really independent person, and not too spoil.  She turned out to be a really nice caring child…and when she tried to get freebies from mom and dad she didn’t always expect to get them. 

Now I am so fearful of losing another child (my only one left) I find myself giving him everything he ask for.  I don’t mind helping him, but I do not want him to go without…EVER.  My daughter died at an age (22) she didn’t get to see the benefits of all her hard work…she worked hard to get a degree, never to graduate from college or find that great job she dreamed of (she was close though). She worked hard on keeping good credit (another one of those things I stressed to her) never to get a house of her own. She didn’t get pregnant even having a boyfriend of 7 years…now I wish she would have (to pass on her legacy).

So  the only advise I can give to you is…TRY.  It won’t be easy if they aren’t open to being close to them but TRY anyways.  Compliment them everyday, send them emails, text messages, or make phone calls just to say HI. You are the adult in the relationship so…give it your all, even when you feel you can’t.   

Take Care.

[johnnysmama]

Dear Shellbellsmom

Thank you for sharing about your daughter and son. I guess I have been giving them things but I feel so disconnected from them(and everyone really) but I worry the most about reconnecting the relationship with my daughters.  It is unreal how our family is in pieces now with the missing piece in heaven. I just want them to know I love them but I am having a hard time reaching out to them. I am going to follow your advice and try.  Thank you for giving me some ideas. it is weird to me that it is so hard as my kids have always been my life and what my whole life revolved around-somehow losing one of them threw it so out of whack for me.

Thanks again for being so kind...

[wyomingsal]

I think teens can be a hard age to deal with.  They are probably hurting but dont always share it with Mom.  My kids are younger so I have to interact with them all of the time.  They are a nice distraction.  I can feel so sad and then when I see my 4 y/o smiling and running up to me to get a hug, I have to smile and love her even while I am heartbroken still from missing my son Joshua.  I think the most important thing is to let your daughters know how much you love them and how glad your are that they are here with you.  Let them know you are still grieving so it makes it really hard for you to show them how much you care...but you do. Tell them you dont know what you would do if they were gone as well.  Let the know you don't wish they had died instead of their brother.  I think that is a big fear of the sibling left behind.   Ask them how they feel about the changes.  What do they miss the most in you since their brother passed.  How are they coping without him.  Have them participate in memories but also make an active effort ( I know it is hard) to make new memories with your girls instead of only replaying old ones over and over again.  They need to know you don't just love there dead brother.  It sounds cold and callous when written but I think we get stuck sometimes in the past and don't want to move on without out beloved Heavenly child.  Your living children can never ever compete with a memory of a Heavenly child.  They need permission to move on and enjoy life without brother while knowing that when those sad waves hit them they can talk to you and you will share in their grief.  Moving on doesn't mean forgetting.  It means learning to find joy in life inspite of the pain of missing your wonderful son. 

I have tried to be very open with my grieving to the kids.  I let them know it is ok to be sad.  I let them know it is ok to talk about it.  It is also ok if they don't want to talk about it or if they feel fine.  Everyone deals with grief a little differently.  I let them know that Mom might be sad and cry sometimes but it isn't because I don't love them just as much as Joshua.  I have told them if they were the one that died I would be crying just as much.  I felt like they might feel I loved Joshua more then them because everytime I see something that reminds me of Joshua I say...Oh,  that makes me think of Joshua.  So I sat them down and told them I would do the same if they had died.  We play kind of a strange game.  We think of things about each other that would remind us of each other if we weren't here.  Maybe a morbid game but it lets them know they have special qualities/traits/likes/dislikes  that would remind me of them if they were to have died instead.  I don't know if that helps at all.  Those are some of the things I have tried to do with my kids to help them know that Mommy loves them just as much as Joshua.

Sal

[johnnysmama]

Thank you Sal for your very warm, caring advice. You sound like a great mom. I need to sit them down and talk to them-you are right. It is just so hard for me to deal with it-but i need to. They just act so pained when I bring Johnny up that it pains me,too. But I need to do it. I really think the part of your advice of saying that i dont love Johnny more is brillant-it must seem that way to them as their dad and i are always talking about him  and our grief.  We are trying to move on as a family-sometimes it is hard to want to.

Thanks again for responding and your great wisdom.

kay(johnnysmama)

[holleigh]

My daughter that died was only 8 years old.  She was involved in a horrible accident at our house just 5 days before Christmas.  Her 14-year old sister and her 5-year old sister both witnessed the accident.  She went onto struggle for 25 days at Children's before dying.  We were all quite hopeful she would recover but there was just too much brain injury.

I was having problems with the 14-year old BEFORE the accident.  I really thought that things would improve between us b/c of what happened but they are really more strained now than ever. 

We both carry a lot of guilt about the accident (me and the 14 year old).  She is in counseling and I was but did not like my counselor.  I need to find a new one.

My 5-year old is quite religious and always tells me it was not my fault and it was not God's fault, it was just an accident.  I want so badly to comfort them both but I am overwhelemed with grief, loss, anger, sadness, self-hatred...

We also have a 2-year old boy who has already forgotten his sister, and she dotted on him.  It has only been 3 months since the accident and just over 2 months since she died and I honestly feel like I am getting worse with each passing day.

If I had no other children I think in all honesty that suicide might be a real option.  I struggle each day to find meaning in anything.  All night every night I relive the accident and picure her face and go over my actions right after.  I cannot forgive myself for not saving her and for my involvement in the accident.

I feel like I was robbed of our life.  I feel as is none of this can be real.  I love my kids so much and I was such a good Mom, how did I let this happen??

~Holleigh

[wyomingsal]

Holleigh,

I am so sorry for your loss.  The pain and shock you are living with are so gut wrenching and agonanizing when you lose a child.  It really is the worst pain and loss you will ever experience except perhaps losing more then one child and some moms here have.  Your feelings right now are feelings most of us have experienced.  The second month is worse then the first because some of the numbing cusion of shock is going away allowing you to start to comprehend how horrible your loss really is.  My hardest month was the 4th month.  I know it is probably different for each person but please know that things will get better eventually but it will take a long time.  Allow yourself and your family to grieve.  Yell, scream, cry, talk, hug...whatever you need to do.  My son was only 10 and died in a swimming accident last July.   I still have crying spells now 8 months out.  The firsts this year are so hard.  Birthdays, holidays, special events that remind of Joshua. I think the 4th of July will soooo hard this year.  Our last really special fun memories of my boy. 

Make sure to talk to your living children and hug them and let them know how happy you are that they are still with you.  I told mine that even though we believe Joshua is happy and perfect in Heaven we are still sad and miss him here on earth.  I tried to let them be involved as much as they wanted to be with the funeral and family event planning.  Micah (my 9 y/o) was a pall bearer at the funeral.  We talk about Joshua alot in everyday life still.  Each child got to pick out a picture frame to put his picture in.  Our 4 year old carried her Joshua picture for days.  We let the kids all help decorate a memory box with stickers that reminded them of Joshua.  So one side is covered with Dora stickers from our daughter.  Josh woud would hate the dora stuff if he knew but Lynn was happy and felt like she helped with the Joshua memories.  She was able to participate in grieving.  With you 2 year old.  Do you have pictures of them together?  Someday the pictures and stories will be important. 

Hugs during this horrible time.  It will get better.  It will always hurt.  Someone once said it is like having a leg amputated.  You will always be missing your beloved child....always.   But you will learn to live and even enjoy life again inspite of your loss.  Hang in there,

Sal

[misshimstill]

Hello Holleigh and Johnnysmamma,

I have not lost a child, but I lost a sibling when I was a teenager.  I will try to talk to you from my experience as the sibling of the one who died.  I think Sal has given you both some really good tips on how to deal with your children who are left.  It is so hard when you are grieving to try to have anything left over to give to anyone, but those children are hurting, too.  I know that you both want to reach out to them and show them how much you love them, but you just don't have much left to give anyone.  I think my mother was like that.  My younger brother was the second child for her to lose, her second son.  I cannot even fathom what she must have felt when she lost her second son.  I used to feel, after my younger brother died, that she wished it had been me instead.  Part of it was because she used to say, "I just can't raise a son."  I felt that she was saying it would have been easier if it had been  me, a girl, and not another boy.  Also, she pulled inward so much, as it sounds that both of you are struggling with, also.  I can understand that pull, that desire to pull away from others because of your grief or a fear that you will lose others, too, and you can't stand even the thought of another devastating loss.  Sometimes we pull away from others if we fear they may leave us.  It doesn't hurt as much when they go if we have already pulled away from them.  I don't know if either of you feel this way, but you might. 

Sal recommended that you talk about the child you lost with your surviving children.  I think that is a very good idea.  Give them the "permission" to talk about him or her.  Let them know by your bringing him or her up that talking about their sibling is good and healthy and normal.  Use pictures, memory tools, sharing of memories or whatever comes to your mind.  Even the 2-year-old can "feel" like he or she (I'm sorry, I can't remember if the 2-year-old was a little boy or girl) remembers their older sibling if you talk about him or her.  My mother died when my granddaughter was 2.  I have pictures of my mother and talk to my granddaughter about her, and she remembers her.  Just the other day that granddaughter and my other granddaughter were talking together.  My oldest granddaughter mentioned "Grammie" to her cousin.  My younger g.daughter at first didn't know who Grammie was, but when I told her, then she remembered.  She said she had a picture of Grammie.  My husband never met his g.father, who died before he was born, but his mother talked so much about him that my husband has always felt like he knew him, even though he never met him. 

Sharing these memories will not only help your younger children remember, but it will be healing, as well.  After my brother died, no one ever talked about him.  It was almost like it was a forbidden topic.  I think some of that was the incorrect thinking that if we don't talk about him, my mother wouldn't think about him and wouldn't be sad.  Of course, she was thinking about him!  How much better it would have been for all of us if we had just said what we were thinking of him.  We could have had a good laugh or cry, which would have been healing, and then gone on with whatever. 

It's so hard to be the grieving parent, but it's hard to be the grieving sibling, too.  There didn't used to be a lot of emphasis on the siblings.  Thankfully, more is being shared with grieving parents to help them reach out and console their surviving children.

I hope this helps some.  You both have my deepest sympathy and prayers.  ~Oneta

[misshimstill]

Shellbellsmom,

You seem to have the opposite problem as the other two moms.  You also have my deepest sympathy.  It is just so hard to reach out to the surviving children.  I guess you are trying to compensate in some way out of the same motive as other parents have, who are fearful of losing another child, by giving them too much.  I commend you for being aware of what you're doing and the effect it could have on them. 

This is not the way my parents acted out their grief when my brother died, but it is certainly understandable that a parent would do this.  You obviously are a very caring mom and parent who is just trying to protect the children you have left.  My prayers are with you, as well.  ~Oneta

[johnnysmama]

Holleigh-

Thank you for sharing your story. It is soooo new for you-it has been a year for me(seems like yesterday) but the fact that you are thinking so much of your other children has to be a great sign.  What a painful loss you have been through.  My son's accident was on a motorcycle he bought but that my husband co-signed for 2 weeks before the accident. This has been hard for us with the guilt.  But we tell each other that we did it out of love as he was doing so well in the army and trying so hard and he asked us to.  He was 21- and we figured he would have asked someone else anyway.  It was an accident-too.keep telling yourself that because that is what it was. Its rough though because from the first time you hold them you want to keep them safe-its a parent thing.

I must say that we still struggle to figure out what our "family" is. We are basically just getting through our days. I am trying to find the right time, energy and words to sit down with my2 girls=i feel so out of it with feelings.

I wish i could help you as your story brought tears to my eyes-i feel such pain in your writing(((((((hugs))))))))))))). take care and like Shellbellsmom said we have to TRY-its all we've got now.

Peace to you and keep writing tolet me know how you are doing.

Johnnysmama(Kay)

[johnnysmama]

Misshimstill-

I want to thank you for the sibling point of view and your very caring response. you nailed it when you spoke about the desire to pull away-i have felt that with anything family or really feeling related. But I am starting to force myself more-it is so hard sometimes.  I think its hard for metoo because I want to talk about him and when i do the girls are soo quiet. I know they fear they will make me sad-they just don't realize I am always sad. thank you for all your thoughts-its making me think about them and try.

kay(Johnnysmama)

[calebsmomma]

I also find myself doting on my girls.  They are 17 and 13. 

I worry that they will not realize how special and valuable they are.  I thank God for them everyday. 

They are such a help.  Caleb's friends are still coming over and trying to be big brothers to the girls.  In fact one of them is taking my daughter to her prom in a few weeks.  6 of Calebs friends called my daughter to ask if I'd fix supper for them Sun. night. See they knew that on Sunday Momma always cooks and almost everyone of them had "popped by" for a meal when Caleb was alive. As I watched his friends relate to me, my husband and the girls I thought to myself. "its only been not quite 4 months, how are we gonna survive when my boys stop coming over."

My girls were so close to their big brother, they needed him, these boys know they can't fill the void but are trying so hard to "cowboy up" and take on 2 little sisters. 

I'm at a lost as what to say to help.  But cherish your girls.  They need you right now and you need them.  Lean on them and let them lean on you. 

[sammysmomri]

Hi,

I'm new to the forums but this topic caught my eye.

I have 3 surviving children and one grandson born 2 weeks before his Auntie passed away.

I have always been very close with my children. They talk to me about everything.

I find that since Samanthas passing we are even closer.

I also do find myself spoiling them, lavishing them with gifts because I've learned that we are not promised anything more then this moment, right here and now.

I did however have a hard time enjoying my grandson. I didn't spend much time with him, had very little patience for being around him so I lavished him with gifts to make up for what I didn't give him in personal attention.

I have since moved passed that on some level and do enjoy him.

Now that's not to say I didn't and don't love him more then life because I do...I just wasn't able to be the grandmother I always thought I'd be.

[mikesmum]

Sharon - I know how you feel.  My granddaughter was born 6 weeks before Mike died.  She is a precious soul, but I have lost in abyss for the past 16months and have only just begun to get to know her.  It's not something I consciously did, but I found I disconnected from my surviving son, daughter and their children.

I'm not sure if its a fear of losing, inability to feel, or the overwhelming grief that sees us struggling to be part of the family we held so close in our hearts.......

In the past month my baby Jeya has come to stay with grandma.  She is precious, as are Emily (9), Zak (6) and Caleb (4).  Its as if Grandma has always been present in her life.....even though I missed most of her first year............

I hope you find the place that allows you to openly love and enjoy the children still here with you and the grandbabies, whose innocents and unconditional love can heal with just a smile.......

 

Trudi

[mikesmum]

Sharon - I know how you feel.  My granddaughter was born 6 weeks before Mike died.  She is a precious soul, but I have lost in abyss for the past 16months and have only just begun to get to know her.  It's not something I consciously did, but I found I disconnected from my surviving son, daughter and their children.

I'm not sure if its a fear of losing, inability to feel, or the overwhelming grief that sees us struggling to be part of the family we held so close in our hearts.......

In the past month my baby Jeya has come to stay with grandma.  She is precious, as are Emily (9), Zak (6) and Caleb (4).  Its as if Grandma has always been present in her life.....even though I missed most of her first year............

I hope you find the place that allows you to openly love and enjoy the children still here with you and the grandbabies, whose innocents and unconditional love can heal with just a smile.......

 

Trudi

[mikesmum]

Sharon - I know how you feel.  My granddaughter was born 6 weeks before Mike died.  She is a precious soul, but I have lost in abyss for the past 16months and have only just begun to get to know her.  It's not something I consciously did, but I found I disconnected from my surviving son, daughter and their children.

I'm not sure if its a fear of losing, inability to feel, or the overwhelming grief that sees us struggling to be part of the family we held so close in our hearts.......

In the past month my baby Jeya has come to stay with grandma.  She is precious, as are Emily (9), Zak (6) and Caleb (4).  Its as if Grandma has always been present in her life.....even though I missed most of her first year............

I hope you find the place that allows you to openly love and enjoy the children still here with you and the grandbabies, whose innocents and unconditional love can heal with just a smile.......

 

Trudi