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Losses From Long Ago


jisaac140

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Gramma Marth, thank you for what you've said i really appreciate it. The reason i know there's horrible people in my mum's old house is because her closest friend who lived next door (she knew my mum for a long time) told me that the people next door weren't nice at all and 'they always had the police (cops) out and made people's lives hard'. I quite miss the house now i have to admit. i do get good memories bit by bit, and they give me comfort. Thank you for what you have said, for wishing me a lot of good things. When you say give it a little blessing, do you mean 'in the mind' or saying nice things about the house while i plant the seeds in the park? Maybe both?

God bless you and mamabets x

Sue

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Dear Sue; a beautiful and sensitive soul,

Yes, both, as you feel it and choose...

It's awfully difficult to really release and let go of pain, abuse, misunderstanding and loss from our past.

Chances are, planting physical seeds in the park, as well as positive spiritual and mental seeds of blessings, or "seed thoughts" - (especially when dark memories come creeping in) - will both symbolize and gradually produce beautiful blossoms that will help transform and heal you within from pain and a difficult past.

Healing along with you,

Gramma Martha

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Gramma Marth, I do find it difficult to let go of my past sometimes, because some of the things i go through in my life today, my actions sort of 'mirror' how i used to act in the past, and a lot of material things remind me of my past too. I am letting go gradually, but lately, things like music or things my mum used to say are taking me further back to my memories, so in that sense, it's quite hard to let go.

I spoke to someone a while ago about letting go and i started crying, so yes i think it's quite difficult to release pain, abuse, misunderstanding and loss from the past. It's amazing how all these interactions can take place at home, and then the place that it all happened in is your home, and because of that emotional connection to the place, it can sometimes take years to resolve. It can be a touch more difficult if the people you need to speak to about all this have passed on, like both my parents have. I'm sorry for the long wording of that but it's how i feel about it.

Yes you're right about me being sensitive about things (thank you for your lovely compliments too), to be honest i wish i was a tougher person in this. I am quite strong when i need/want to be, but at times like this, it does get to me a little.

I hope we can talk more in the future, as you seem like a really caring person.

Thank You and God bless

Sue x

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For suelowe~ It is sweet to be sensitive...Genuinely sensitive people are kind, and those are the that I want in my corner, that is for sure!

Thank you for being one of them...xoxoxo

LOVE,

mamabets

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Mamabets, oh wow, that is very sweet of you to say that, thank you! I like to be kind and considerate towards people, because people from my childhood were less than this, probably because they couldn't see past their own problems, but for most of those situations, i was regularly the centre of them. As i've grown older, i've found that i'm sensitive to atmosphere and critisism and i have ESP (apparently), so i'm aware of what's going on, and i want to make sure things are ok if i've done something wrong.

Having said all that, i do have my 'dark' side like everyone else, but from having a couple of years of counselling and finding out about myself, i find i want to reach out if people need someone to talk to and i don't like the idea of someone out there going through what i've gone through, which is why i'm the way i am today.

Thank you for saying what you have, it's really nice coming from someone who understands. I feel both you and Gramma Marth both understand.

God bless you both!

Sue x

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For Suelowe~ I see you , clearly removed from your "dark" side...Sweet is so much sweeter, and the willingness that you have allowed yourself to want this and more, is wonderful... Remain in the center of your "sweet", as you belong there forever...

GOOD GIRL!!!!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxox

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Mamabets, good lord i'm lost for words....my dark side has admittedly helped me through some pretty rough times, like when i sense people are taking advantage of me, or they do things with intention to upset me, then i'll get on my high horse and defend myself. My 'dark' side will always stay with me, as it's a part of me, but by the same token, i've come to realise that people who go through similar situations like i have (those i'm familiar with etc), i can relate a lot to, and with those who have been through other situations that i can't relate to, i image the pain they are going through even though i haven't been through it. Im not sure i'm making sense here, but my past and counselling sessions have made me realise that perhaps id like to be a therapist , developing to be a career.

I wonder if there's a different kind of 'sweet' from the 'sweet' i've imagined?? People have seen me, in my opinion, as a 'candy girl' sweet, like 'oh she can't do anything wrong, oh isn't she lovely, wouldn't hurt a fly' sort of thing? I actually cringe at being sweet (!!), but i'm getting the idea that you mean 'being kind and considerate to people in everyday life' sweet? Whichever one it is, i thank you for your kind comments.

Thank you!

Sue x

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Mamabets, i have a feeling i offended you in my last message. If i did offend you, i'm very sorry about that. I ramble on a bit too much sometimes when i'm trying to explain something. I really do hope i didn't offend you. If i did, please let me know. And also please know that what you said to me has really helped me, i appreciate it, thank you.

With best wishes x

Sue

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For suelowe~ OH, NOT AT ALL!!!! Please don't feel that way at ALL!!!!! Awwww- NOT ONE BIT!!!!! I am so proud of people like you, that for many different reasons, have taken the road to try and get better and help others while doing so!!!

I promise, and, in spite of your sad and broken heart, keep up the good work!!!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxoxo

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Mamabets, Thank you for being proud of people like me - this means a lot! Yes, i want to get better, and it gives me an added bonus to help others feel better too.

Wow, thank you. I hope my heart dosen't feel this pain forever. I'm not saying it will, but i like to hope that it won't.

God bless!

Sue x

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For suelowe~ I know that part of my heart is shattered after losing my Danny { my 25 year old son left this Earth in June of 2004}~ What I have found is the part of my heart that protects the shattered part, does still beat, and it is trying to participate in life again. It celebrates his memory, lives his legacy, laughs his laugh, and loves his life. I somehow carry on. The depth of my sadness can never compare to my joy, but I do , definately, love my life that is, still... My loss had positively been his gain...He "LOVES" where he is, and how he is, and he will be with me, as always, just differently, until we are united again. He has started our "forever eternity", and I have much to live for until my time comes. My daughter, my grandbabies, my family, my hub, my doggies, all give me the strength...When I have no strength, then I just don't, and I wait it out...Danny talks to my heart, always, and this Beyond Indigo has been a lifeline...There was a time when I could not post...I emotionally shut down, I could not breathe at times... But, little by little, I am among the living, again.

LOVE,

mamabets xoxox

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Mamabets, you've described the emotional side of grief very well. Sometimes when i'm overwhelmed with grief, i can't breathe either, it's like having a panic attack without the actual panic. I just find it difficult to breathe and i get spasms in my stomach. I also get scared that i won't be able to face the reality of my mum's death. I think i'm very reluctantly accepting my dad's death (his passing was very, very sudden) but i sort of feel guilty in a way of not really grieving his death more than i should have done because i still have intense feelings for my mum's death and i was a child (14 years old) when i lost my dad.

I never realised that losing both parents in a big space of time would create such difficult feelings. I feel like they will never be resolved, its like i'm stuck in this bubble of questioning my acceptance. What actually scares me to the bone is more grief feelings will come to me and get stronger and i wont be able to handle the grief over the next few years or months. I know i should live in the 'now' but the future does scare me a bit.

Thank you so much for being there. It means a lot.

I pray God watches over us both (and everyone else who is grieving) and give us the support we need.

Love

Sue x

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For Suelowe~ May I ask, how long ago did your Mom pass on? Fear is the worst and while the fear changes, it does become paralyzing...I am under the care of a great team of doctors...They know me and my sad heart, well...

Email me anytime too- huntross4@aol.com

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

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Mamabets, i apologise for the delay in replying. I've been dealing with an annoying ear problem! My mum passed on 31st March 2004 in the early hours of Wednesday morning in hospital. It's embedded in my mind. It's weird, anything that happens on that date (like promotions on TV, or if i have appointments etc), i see it as totally unjustified simply because my mum died on that day. As far as i'm concerned, even though the world carries on anyway, it still angers me that life goes on.

Anyone that says to me 'God forbid if i ever lose my mum/dad etc', i'm thinking 'that's the thing, at the end of the day, they will die, no matter what, so make the most of them'. That's the toughest thing i've ever had to learn of losing my parents. Maybe that's seen as a harsh attitude, but i panic when people (especially teenagers etc) believe that their parents will live forever, cos i can imagine the pain they might go through after losing their parents. My dad died 13th July 1993 and my mum 31st March 2004.

Thank you so much for passing your email to me, mine is sjenlowe10@hotmail.com Hope to speak to you soon.

God bless

Sue x

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Sue & Mamabets,

A little over a year ago I would agree with you on the hardest lesson ever learned was losing my parents, but that was before I lost my brother. Nothing in this world ever prepared me for that. My mom died after a brief illness in 2001, then my father had Alzheimer’s and passed away in 2004. My little brother and I managed to get through those losses together. Two years and 1 day after my father died, my little brother died. I have not been the same since and I am sure that I never will be. The thing that keeps me going now is my 4 kids, I don't want them to have to go through this grief, but at some point they will; just like you said, we all do, it's inevitable. I long to be with my family. I am sometimes angry that Jeffrey is in heaven with Mom and Dad and I am here without all of them. It is just that sometimes I do not want to do this any longer. Like that old gospel song says "I'm so tired and so weary". I used to be so carefree and fun and I know that will never be back and I miss that. I hate to jump in your conversation like this, just I feel lonely this morning and reading both of your post was almost like looking in a mirror.

I wish you both a great weekend and may God wrap his arms around you both and give you precious memories of your loved ones. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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Jeffreyssister, as i have an ear problem which i'm trying to sort out, i'd like to reply to your post properly on Monday of next week, because what you wrote rang true for me.

God Bless

Sue x

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Jefferyssister, I've had intense feelings of loneliness over the past few days because i feel as though i cannot even talk to my own step-family (half of my real family have passed on/are scattered around the world in some place, and some just won't listen to me) and i've been thinking of not speaking to them just to hurt them back (long story).

I'm really sorry for the loss of your brother, it sounds like you were quite close. I'm in the 3rd year of my mother's death and it's one of the hardest things EVER to go through. I never thought that to this day, i would watch my own mother fighting for her life in her hospital bed, and i've never felt so scared in my life. There was a window to my right and i could have easily have jumped out of it, had she died while i stood in the same room as her. Nothing on this earth prepares you for losing your parents or other members of family. If people think it's easy losing someone, then they need their brain testing big time.

I've known a lot of young people (myself included) to say that their parents will live forever and then when the parents die, people are like 'WHAT THE...???' I have a feeling i'm being harsh here, but i also understand that people deal with death in different ways. A close friend of mine lost her sister about 10 years ago, and her way of dealing with it is to just see her in her memory, she very rarely visits the grave. I talk to my mum and dad every single day through their photos. I'm still angry that both my parents have gone off without me, and i hope they understand the pain i'm in cos they left me here. I've been known to throw temper tantrums cos i'm angry that my parents aren't here.

Please don't worry that you've 'jumped in the conversation', you wanted to voice your opinion, have a talk and i'm really happy you came on here. I guess i'm just feeling the loss more and more now, it's very weird. I miss my mum's presence a lot. I hope what i've said make some sort of sense, it's a bit of a mixture of things described.

Thanks for listening and God bless

Sue x

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Oh god, have i offended anyone in my last message?? Dunno why but i'm getting increasingly worried that i've offended someone....i'm not myself at the moment, i'm facing up to things that id never thought id face up to. I'm getting bad dreams because of it!

Jefferyssister and Mamabets, i'm praying for you both xxxx

God bless

Sue x

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Sue, you most certainly did not offend me. I don't think about my mom, it's just too painful. I think that's why my brothers death hit me so very hard. It's like a combination grief. I know when she first passed away I was so hurt and so angry with her for not taking better care of herself because I needed her so badly. After Jeffrey died so much more made sense about her death. Jeffrey was the baby and my mom would have been crushed if he went before her. It would have killed her soul. Now I have the benifit of knowing that they are together. Isn't it just awful without your parents? Do you have any siblings? I have two other brothers but we are not close. They are considerably older than I am so we have never been real close. Both had moved out of the house by the time I was 10. Jeffrey and I used to joke about us being a seperate family, because when we went on vacation and such it was always just the four of us because the other two were gone. I just feel so all alone. Guess this is the time that I should "grow up"! Hope your sleep gets better and know that you are in my prayers as well. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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Jeffreyssister, Im relieved to know i didn't offend you! For some reason today i feel like i've got about 10 things going on all at once, so if it's ok i'll reply to you tomorrow (saturday).

I also want you to know that even though you feel alone, you're not alone. I feel that way too sometimes, and i even cry with it cos it messes my head up!

I hope you feel a little better knowing i'm thinking of you, and i'm praying for you x

i'll write more tomorrow x

Sue x

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Jeffreyssister, i've cut back on a few things to do today, as i wanted to talk. Things can wait, i want to be here. Anyway, when you say about feeling alone, i've seen people who have children and this one person i spoke to a while ago said 'you wouldn't think this Sue, but i do get lonely'. At that point, in my naive little mind, i was surprise to hear this, because i thought she had it all. Part of the feelings i get is that, without being harsh or whatever, it's a relief in a way that other people feel lonely, because when i feel that way, i feel i'm the only person, ever, to have those feelings and it's actually quite scary for me.

Not having parents (i have a step family though) is a very difficult thing to go through, i actually get jealous when i go round to my friend's house for dinner or whatever, and she has a mum and dad and sometimes i just look on in envy that this person has both parents. Well, i come from a 'spaghetti junction' family (that's my way of saying 'it's jumbled up but hey it's family'), i have the step mother, 2 step brothers, 1 step sister and 2 half brothers. A bit wishy-washy if you ask me! I'm starting to get to know my 2 half brothers again (long story.

Me and my mum got separated in 1993 due to ridiculous unforseen circumstances out of my control, so i had to take the brunt, whether i liked it or not. The only good things were leaving the house and having my spinal surgery. The rest was crap, although things got slightly better a few months down the line. I don't wanna go further than that really.

I don't know about the 'growing up' thing, because you still feel this loss, and it takes time to ajust to the loss, whatever that may be. I've been wanting for years now, to be part of a family, somewhere i can be myself in, have that closeness, be understood and listened to. I don't feel i have that, and as a result of that i'm trying to fix things with my step mum, try and release some of the pain i've been holding for the past 10 years or so. I'm learning how to stand on my own 2 feet because i have to.

Hope you're feeling well, and know i'm thinking of you.

God bless

Sue x

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Sue, Now I am jealous! You have all those step-brothers & sister! You didn't mention children, I could give you a couple! My kids are my life now, they are the only family that I have left. I still have two living at home, one is in college locally in Houston, the other (baby) will be going to Tech school in the bay area. One of my kids is leaving for Iraq and the other (oldest daughter) lives about 20 minutes from me. Before the death of my brother I used to tell my husband all the time, when are these kids going to move out? I would never say that now.

I am sorry about your Mom. The last year of my mothers life I had moved to another state and we did not see each other but about 4 times that year. If I had known that she was going to die I would have never moved, or I would have at least come home every month. We talked everyday on the phone, but now I wish that I had more time with her. It's like that isn't it!

Hope you have a good weekend. Prayers and thoughts are with you. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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Jeffreyssister, oh not jealous! If anything, i'm envious of you! Yeah i know i have all these people around me, but it's taking me a lifetime to feel their love. See what i mean? No i don't have any children, id like 1 or 2 in the future when i can feel more secure in a relationship with someone, but until then, i'm fine the way i am.

As for my mum, the last few weeks of her life were not at all like i imagined, i wanted her to pass away in the nursing home, but she ended up going in hospital instead. I had a lot of time with my mum in hospital and i'm forever grateful for the nursing staff for giving her 2 and half extra weeks to live. It was quite soul-destroying at times having to talk to her, and say things i thought she was thinking so i wouldn't leave her out of conversation.

I think ill go up to the house where we used to live and plant those seeds in memory of us living there, in a few weeks. Or maybe next week, depends how i feel.

You have a good weekend yourself and i'll pop up again to say hi. Thanks for talking to me.

take care and God bless

Sue x

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Jeffreyssister, how are you doing??? i was thinking of you over the weekend, i hope you're ok xxxxx i got a lot of stuff to do today, so i'll probably be online this evening.

God bless, hope we can speak soon xxxx

Sue x

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Hi Sue..

Yesterday began the long count down. My son left for Baghdad and we will not be able to communicate with him for two weeks. I spoke with him Sunday and he seemed upbeat, ready to go and do what he signed up for. I am amazed at those young men. I don't know how they keep from getting caught up in all the negative media and such. No matter what your thoughts are on this war, they are still our young sons, brothers, fathers, husbands, etc...and they are doing their job. I may not support the war, but I certainly support the young men who go. It is just so scary.

I hope all is well with you. I sure wish Mom was here. I could use her wonderful listening ear. She always knew the right words to say, she would usually guide me to a scripture and pray before we got off the phone. I miss her strength so much, I wish that I had it. That's the worst part of being without your parents; you become the decision maker for everything, and you have no one to fall back on.

All my wishes for a good night, I will probably not be back on until tomorrow. Thanks again for all you've shared with me. This is sure a lonely road isn't it! Peace and blessings, Jackie

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Hi Jackie (i hope you don't mind me calling you that?) I can understand the anxiety of saying goodbye to loved ones who are leaving for the war. A couple of friends of mine (who i met up with one day) had loved ones who went to war, and i remember the atmosphere that morning was eerie, it was quiet, like no-one knew what to say, but we knew what was happening. I'll say a prayer for you and your son. I don't really know what to say, but times like this are very difficult. But, as you say, they are doing their job, absolutely fantastic people.

I have those times as well when i want, so much, to talk to my mum on the phone (that's still rock hard sometimes). Your mum is with you all the time (god, i have to remind myself of that very same thing, and half the time i still don't believe it cos i miss her loads). I think we all have strength somewhere in us all, it's a matter of believing it's there. I had absolutely no idea that i had such iron-like strength when my mum was ill. One minute i was in my own little world having fun and not thinking much, the next i had the equivalent of holding up a double-decker bus. That's how scared i was during the time my mum was ill and the time she died.

Thank you also for being there, and for what you've shared with me too. I was thinking, if you feel comfortable (say no if you wish, i'll understand), would it be ok if i gave you my phone number? I don't want to just give it without asking if you'd be ok with it first. By the way, i live in England, just so you know.

God bless

Sue x

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Sue,

I would love to have your phone number, I'll check with my service provider and see if I have international calling and if now, I'll get hooked up. You can email it to me if you would like, my email is jackie.witter@yahoo.com. I am getting by this week. You are right, it's an eerie feeling. Nothing at all like mourning, just more of an anxiety.

Hope you have a super Thursday...I am looking forward to the weekend myself. Thanks again for everything, as always, you are in my prayers.

Peace and blessings, Jackie

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Hi Jackie, i'm glad you would like my phone number! I'd be very honoured to give it to you xxxx

Im glad you're getting by this week. I keep getting reminders of my mum almost everywhere i go and it's scaring me a little, like my mum's saying 'helloooo, i'm in heaven!' i'm like 'well get back here then!' As for the war, those boys out there are doing a marvellous job, we have to take one day at a time. Yes, it is an anxious time too, i understand xxxxxx

Ok, i'll email you my phone number, i have two of them, but one is the cheapest to call, and i can also call America on my phone package too, with having a couple of friends over there aswell. My Thursday is good thank you, doing bits of shopping and getting very excited about my forthcoming trip to America (i'm going in the next year or so, i'm just taking it step by step to prepare myself).

God bless you and your son xoxoxoxox

Sue x

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Sue...I got you number, I've just got to call Sprint and have international added. I am anxious to talk with you. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. I'll spend mine with my kids so I am sure it will be fun if not eventful! Peace and blessings my new friend. Jackie

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Jackie, sorry for delay, i've had a lot of things to do, but i've been thinking of you. I really hope we can talk soon!!! I'm really glad you can have internatinal added! By the way the code is 0044 for England. Yay!! I think that's right!!

God bless, and hope to speak to you soon xoxoxoxoxox I hope you had a wonderful time with your children too xxxxx

Sue x

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4everjoeysmom

from the States the international dialing code is 011+44 for the UK country code, plus the number...

I am praying your phone connection will bring you comfort, Sue. Jackie is my dear friend, and has the biggest heart... :)

Hugs, Claudia

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jackiewitter

Stop that...you make me blush. Sometimes it's just such a lonely road and it seems like sharing it with good people make it easier. I do have to say that without Claudia, I may not have found my way.

I could not get Jeffrey out of my mind this weekend. I have begun working from home on Mondays & Fridays and it gives me a lot more alone time. I went out to his garden in the backyard and knew I needed to do some weeding and thinning out. I hate when the flowers start getting tired, I hate the change of season from Summer to Fall. I am a baseball fan and that means after October I have to wait for Spring. I have never been a big fan of winter because I despise the cold. It seems after Mom died I began to get a little touch of nostalgia when the fall came, almost like a mini depression. I can feel that beginning to happen. My oldest daughter is a worrier...like that saying from the movie Ya Ya Sisterhood, "you know me, I take a problem and chew it until all the flavor is gone". I always would try to tell her to be more positive and not to dwell on the negative aspects as much. HA HA HA.... it's easy to say but not so easy to do!

I don't want to be depressed or unhappy, but it seems that I continue to drift back there. I wish this were like a flu that you could recover from, but I really don't see that happening. I just wish that things (I) could be like they were before.

Now that I have depressed you both, I want to wish you a happy Wednesday. I will call as soon as I get the international package...Claudia, will that work in Ecuador as well? I know at one time we were talking about doing something online too. We did get a web-cam so that we could talk to Ben while he is in Iraq. Anyway, lots of love to you both & thank you both for your friendship. I'll be praying for us all. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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4everjoeysmom

Jackie, yess.. 011 is always the intrenational dialing code from the states to another country. Ecuador's country code is 593, so it would be 011+593+the local number.

We use SKYPE as our web cam chat and VOIP online communications tool with our families in the States. it's usable wrldwide and you can learn more about it at www.skype.com. It's a free download and we think it has been invaluable.

I know that lonliness where thoughts flood in... It's then that I do have to reach deeper into my devotionals and the Word. I find comfort in that. I pray a lot too. Often times God opens a way for us to have more "alone time" so that in that we find more "intimate time" WITH HIM. He's always there for us. All we have to do is reach...

Hugs and much love, Claudia

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Hi Claudia, even though I haven't met either you or Jackie, i can somehow tell from writing on here that both of you have very big hearts. Oh, I thank the Good Lord for International calling...thanks for helping out with the codes by the way :-) I'm scared to say I get lonely, but i do get lonely, and when that happens, i'll pray to God to find peace. I just saw it as getting up off the sofa and doing the dishes to try and hide the pain, or i fight it. I think in the future, i'll accept how i feel and pray to God. I feel i need His strength regularly, but it seems like praying is a very good way to feel close to him.

Jackie, i can relate to the feeling the cold (cold hands and feet person!) and feeling low. I hate when the nights start getting longer, but i can also use these times to be kind to myself (half the time im not cos i feel i don't deserve it, but that's another story!). The first year that my mum died, i went through the first day of each month like 'it's the first month without her' or doing things like grocery shopping, everyday things, but each thing i did was the first without mum, and that was a very weird exeperience. I still get it now and it's hard. I'm also praying for you and your son Ben too xx

Anyhow, I am so looking foward to speaking with you. I wish both you and Claudia well for today, tomorrow and beyond xxxxxxxx

God bless

Sue x

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jackiewitter

Sue & Claudia...I know this is going to sound very strange, but do either of you know what Beyond Indigo means? When Sue said "tomorrow and beyond" it just made me realize, I have no idea what Beyond Indigo means. I found this site when my mother died but I did not post, I only read for a couple of months and then my husband began preparing us for a move back to Texas to be closer to my Dad. I never came here again until my brother died. At that point I was looking for anything that would help me deal with the pain that I was experiencing.

I was just posting on adults who have lost their parents and I am coming to terms with grieving for my mother. I was so angry with my mom for not taking care of herself. Then she was always the matriarch, taking care of everyone and making sure that we were all doing what we were brought up to do. She used to call and ask me if I was making sure the girls were wearing camisoles or undershirts under their clothes....she believed that the undershirts protected their outer clothing from body stains and such....are you kidding me? Don't we have more important things to discuss than undershirts? She would call to let me know storms were approaching our area. For crying out loud, we lived over 1000 miles apart and she was watching our weather on the weather channel. I am getting to a place now where my anger is subsiding and now I just miss her and wish things had been different. Every time that I see someone who still has their mother, I cannot help but tell them to cherish it and to spend time with them. I don't know how I could go out with my friends and not make time for my mom.

Wow...can you tell, that dark cloud is still hanging around. Sorry girls, I am hoping that tomorrow will be better. Hope all is good with you both and that you have a wonderful day. Thanks so much for your prayers for Ben and for the rest of my family as well. I will continue to keep you both in my prayers. BTW, Claudia, is Michael headed home soon? Love you both, peace and blessings. Jackie

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Jackie, i've just spent the last half hour typing to you and getting distracted, then my time was up and now i'm back...grrrrr!! I can't remember exactly what i said, but I think that Beyond Indigo is sort of a colour, maybe the Indigo is a colour of peace, or perhaps the things on this website relate to giving support when you have deep greiving feelings, hence the 'beyond' because the feelings are quite 'beyond'...i don't know, i'm just guessing now, but that's the impression i get when i'm on here.

I have to go in a minute, but i wanted to ask, can you give me a rough idea of when you're likely to call? I hope you don't have too much trouble if/when you do call. I'm asking because i want to be ready when you do call. I don't have an answering machine on my phone, but it makes a record of the last 5 or so callers, so i like to be there when the phone rings. I'm also a bit concerned about the time zones, i have 2 friends in the States, and they are both 5 hours behind me, it's 10.05am here, so it'll be 5am or so over there. It's just getting the timing right xxxxxx

Anyway, i'll keep a prayer for you, Ben and Claudia xxxxxx

God bless

Sue x

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4everjoeysmom

I posted a message here yesterday, I am certain of it, but it seems someone saw fot to erase it...???? My answer to what I perceive Beyond Indigo to mean must have offended someone. Anyway... so it goes... I'll e-mail you soon Jackie. Love & Hugs, Claudia

Sue, thankis for your prayers too. I'm so sorry you are so lonely so much of the time. I do hope God sends youa special friend that is close by that you can often share tea and buscuits with over warm conversation. Big Hugs, Claudia

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I didn't realise i came across as being lonely....I'm trying so hard to deny it because it's a scary feeling, but as my dad once said 'you have to be true to yourself', so yes I AM LONELY. I'm not lonely lots and lots because i do see people, but facing that very difficult feeling is a different thing in itself, and trust me, i do not like it.

I am someone who yearns for her mother and father, and for acceptance from her step family. And now i'm in shock for actually admitting all that. I've been in that situation where i'm in a crowd with people i know, yet i feel 'singled out', in other words, lonely. I know this feeling will subside as time goes on. It has to. People will think i'm a wuss, or weird now that i've said i'm lonely. Ok, my life goes on, so i'll deal with it.

Im sorry for this post but when i admit something difficult i get on my high horse. And i'm sorry if i've offended anyone too, that wasn't my intention. xxxxxxx

God bless Jackie and Claudia xxxx

Sue x

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4everjoeysmom

Oh Sue, Dear Sue, you've offended no one. And I believe I am the one that struck a cord. But perhaps that's a good thing. It is SO HARD to admit where we are weak. It's so much easier to escape and hide in the places where we are strong. There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with admitting lonliness. I too can be in a crowd and feel more lonely than I have ever felt in my life. Loss like you and I have experienced takes us to places we never imagined we would be, to have feelings we never thought were a part of our make-up. We become broken. And to some degree we can't be fixed completely, because even as the pieces of ourselves come back together, there are still the scars or cracks in the clay so to speak. We're all dealing with lonliness to some degree. You are certainly not alone there. Sometimes it is just more outwardly visible in things we say or do, or desire, and sometimes we keep it inside and feel even more lonely. Your yearning for your folks is so natural. Years don't make the yearning go away, nor does a crowd or things that occupy us and our time. You've done and said nothing bad or wrong. You're expressing yourself openly, and that is a good thing. I just recognized your lonliness, probably because it's familiar to me as is my own, and in that I just wanted you to know I am praying specifically for you. Big HUGS, Claudia

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Claudia, i've not been well over the past few days, been up and down with headaches etc, but i'll reply to you in the next couple of days. Thank you for what you've said. It just brought up very difficult feelings for me, and sometimes i can turn a bit rude if im not sure how to deal with them.

Thanks again,

Sue x

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4everjoeysmom

Hi Sue, Just so you knoe, I have NEVER felt you've been rude. Each one of us has to sort through the rawest of emotions, and they come at no preset time. They hit us by surprise sometimes, and coping is a continuing journey. I completely understand, because I travel the journey too. I have only the utmost compassion and respect for you and anyone that chooses to face the raw intensity of the journey and not hide, because it is not easy--all of the pain, misunderstanding, fear, lonliness, weakness, and so on...BUT as we journey on we find through others traveling a similar journey hope, understanding, courage, community, strength and so much more. It is a choice, and you should feel encouraged that even baby steps are moving you. I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well. I do hope your body can feel renewed with proper diet and rest and that you feel again physical and emotional strength. I am lifting you up in prayer... Hugs, Claudia

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Claudia, im lost for words. That day i admitted to my feelings, i felt it was rock hard. My Dad used to say 'you've got to be true to yourself'. One of the ways that i deal with difficult feelings is that i treat them with a pinch of salt, and i then i find it plays on my mind. Then i admit to it and my stomach loosens, and because i didn't want to admit to it, I get moody and i'm like 'good god, i shouldn't be feeling this!'. But, reading what you wrote gave me warmth, because when i've felt the loneliness, i felt like the only person feeling it. I know that's not true, but i've felt that.

I went to a small special needs club about 2 months ago, and i saw a lot of people that i knew, but somehow i couldn't get any words out because, to my disbelief, i felt lonely. I was surrounded with people i knew, yet i couldn't say anything!

I want to thank you deeply for what you've said about having compassion and respect for me. That means a lot to me, thank you. And you were right about loss taking us to places we've never been before. My dad's death got me thinking all kinds when he first died, i tried to figure out a way to build some sort of ladder and climb up to the sky so i could see him again. Thinking of that now, my mother wasn't there for me when i first heard of his death. His death was completely unexpected, me and my mum were in the same house together, yet we were separate. God, this is enough to make you cry into your beer!

Before i go, thank you very much for saying a prayer for me, and i want you to know this means a lot to me. I'll say a prayer for you too.

God bless

Sue x

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4everjoeysmom

Hi Sue, I too have been in huge crowds and have felt the lonliest, and nothing pacified or comforted me in those moments, because it wasn't the crowd that I needed. If only one person could have reached into my heart and given compassion and comfort in my darkest hour, I would have been comforted as if it had been a whole room of people wrapping their arms around me. It only takes one connection to affirm that we indeed are not alone. And I am really glad that in one specific moment, I could be that connection. I know there are others here that feel the very same way.

Your story about the ladder to the sky reminds me of a story about Jacob in the bible. He had a dream (like prophetic) about a ladder that reached to heaven. It specifically says from Genesis 28:12 "And he dreamed, and behold, there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven. And behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it!"

How cool is that?! Your idea was fantastic and so brilliant of the imagination. I think if any of us could build a ladder to our precious ones gone, we would. Your dad was absolutely brilliant in sharing the advice that you've got to be true to yourself. He knew it isn't always easy. But he also knew that, that is a measure in the recipe for wholeness, for peace, for integrity, and for so much more. When we bottle up things and deny them, they eventually come rushing out and we are flabbergasted as to what to do with them. They are so overwhelming. And truly, any feelings you have in your grief most likely are not unique to you. We all suffer in the different stages, in the panic and depression, in the hope that tomorrow will be better, and definitely in the lonliness. Someone has surely been where you are and can relate and give compassion and love. And you will certainly have moments where someone will be looking up to you because you've come across the bridge they stand on, and you will be able to give compassion and love and support. It's the bature of the grieving heart, and one step at a time toward healing. We will never ever forget our loved ones. And we will always, always miss them. But I believe in time our ultimate goal is to allow grief to be a part of our life, just not our way of life. I'm sending BIG HUGS across the wire to you, and know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Claudia

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4everjoeysmom

In my last statement that was meant to say "It's the NATURE of the grieving heart". Sorry for the typing error. I am not always so keen on proofreading before I send off the post. :)

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Hi Claudia, you are very right about my Dad being true to himself. My step mum told me he knew himself 'inside out, back to front and upside down'. If that's not wholeness, I don't know what is. Even though i was 14 years old when he passed away, i was in absolute shock/numbness etc. I can remember telling people that my dad had died and i had the biggest smile on my face while telling them, it was a weird reaction! I just smiled so naturally, then tears came whooshing out my eyes, it was almost like giving them a shower! I had very weird reactions to his death.

But the ladder....i thought 'i'll get together loads of blankets/sheets and find other bits of material, build a ladder and go up and see him.' I thought this while sitting on my mother's couch (sofa) listening to Genesis (my dad loved them), feeling as though my insides had fallen out. Of course the plan didn't work out, but it gave me immense comfort knowing i could 'possibly' do this

I've realised as i'm writing about this, i'm finally talking about it. I don't think i've really, really talked about it until now. I don't half miss him. I see people somedays who walk like my dad, or they have the same car as he did. I can remember him giving me a great big hug, tighter than normal, then he got in his car, did a U-turn, drove past me and beeped his horn. I saw his car go down the road and past the trees...and that was the last time i saw him alive. Next thing i know, 3 members of my step family came to visit me at my real mother's to say he passed away. Well, i saved her actually saying, i just guessed. I said 'he's not is he?' and she (step mum) said 'i'm afraid so, love'. All's i could do was cry, shake, cry, shake and cry etc.

I think i need to talk more about this another time xxxx

I'm hoping i can talk more in reference to the lonliness subject too, i've a feeilng i'm out of time on this post bit.....

Thank you and God bless oxoxoxoxoxx

Sue

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4everjoeysmom

Wow Sue! You shared that you were sitting on the sofa listening to genesis and thinking about the ladder, and I shared jacob's ladder in genesis. Isn't that funny?...

Anyway, share anything, any time. I'm certain others here will be able to relate and share no matter what the topic. It feels good to release... We're all in this together. Love, Claudia

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oh boy! Hey Claudia, that is interesting....yeah my dad really liked Genesis and saw them live i think a few times. my mind always, always goes to him when listen to them.

i'll come back here tomorrow as i have a few things to do now (seeing the doctor for one!), but thank you for your very kind and understanding words xxxxxx

God bless

Sue

ps God is with us all in this together too xxxx

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Hi, i'm back. i was thinking about how i felt about the loss of both my parents. My dad died in 1993 when i was 14 and my mum died in 2004 (oh man, that hurts) when i was 25. I have weird feelings about it. I never, ever thought i would lose my parents. I think as a child it was terrifying for me to lose my Dad because it was completely unexpected. I had to cope with a lot of things that same year which were out of my control. And yet, many years later, i lose my mum as an adult and it's probably scarier because i saw her being ill in hospital before she died. I think both were equally as scary as each other.

But the feelings i've had because of the grief have been, well, alien. I was talking to the photo of my mum before ( think i'd pass out if she actually responded back!) and i was thinking of how i was talking to her photo and not her in person. The same goes for my dad when i talk to him too. I keep having to remind myself that grief is a very long journey and you've got to be patient with it. I thought i'd be 'over it' in the space of a few weeks. How wrong was i??

I don't remember really having the chance to tell my Dad how much I loved him, and i still do. I just hope he knows! A lot of him lives on me, especially with the things he used to say (he had a few catch phrases for the meaning of life) and things he did (like using his tools a lot to fix things). He'd say things like 'If it sounds too good to be true, it is too good to be true', and 'How can you love anybody else if you don't love yourself?' I'm still working on that one. I miss my Dad, i wanna tell him how much i love him.

Sorry for going on, i just feel there's unresolved grief still floating around in me...

Sue x

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oops, forgot to say, message to Jackie, how you are hon? Did i offend you or scare you off about the telephone? Aside from that, i really hope you're well, and i'm praying for you and Ben xxxxxxxx

God bless

Sue x

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Dearest Sue, You have not scared me away, not by any means. I have been working pretty hard and have had a "family crisis" come up that I have had to deal with. I was reading your post with Claudia, isn't she precious? I simply adore her. I've not done anything yet on the international calls, I have had so many other things going on, but....I promise I am going to. I did not realize what age range you were in until your last post as to your age when you father passed away. You are close to my oldest daughter’s age, she was born in 1980. Isn't if funny how you are not aware of any age boundaries or anything, when you are suffering, your are suffering, now matter what age you are. I can understand you a little more now, I cannot imagine what my kids would do if they were left without me. I certainly don't consider myself the greatest mom or anything, but I know my kids would be lost without me, I have pampered them so much.

I have never heard you speak of your dad before, there must be a reason. I think your heart can only deal with so much, so something gets pushed to the back and then you deal with it when you are able and ready. I don't dwell on my mom too much because it is too painful. I miss her so much and I am so angry with her that she is not here. She should have taken better care of herself, I would love for her to see Baby Jack (my youngest grandson). It is 6 years since her passing and I still have trouble talking about her. Amazing isn't it.

Know you are in my prayers and I will try and contact sprint next week. I'll send both you and Claudia an email and let you know of my "family crisis". I could certainly use your prayers. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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