Does grief depend on the age when you lost your loved one or how the loss happened?

[Anamika]

I know, a loss is a loss regardless and nothing can ever heal or replace the loss of a loved one.Still I was wondering if the grief is more when the death was untimely and unexpected.

I lost my father when he was only 69. He was completely healthy, no meds, physically active and still we had lose him to a lung infection. His death was unexpected, sudden and untimely. I think while I would still be devastated and heart broken, I would have had better ways to deal with it had he lived up to his 80's. I would have thought he lived a full life, might have been able to travel more and enjoy life (He and my mom had just started to live their life, finally after me and sister were married off and kind of settled. They never did anything for their own enjoyment or comfort before. They literally lived for us.). My 2 year old daughter might have been able to know the wonderful person my father was. And he might have been able to see other grandkids, if me or my sister had another child.

Also me and my sister stay SO far away from home. Either of us would have moved back home or closer to home in another 6-10 years, so my mother would have had some support. My mother (she is only 60) would have had her soulmate, her love, her valentine more closer to her own life expectancy. I know you never know with life but I am just saying assuming the best and general situation.

So I think that while grief WILL always be there and WILL always hurt, I think our minds would have been a bit more at ease when the deaths are natural and at an expected age. Also a friend of mine told me that death is more devastating when it happens to a totally healthy & active person, all on a sudden. You would have had no time to say good byes or do things for them. It takes you by total shoch and catches you offguard. If they were suffering for a long time, you may wish for their own peace and comfort, that they suffer no more. Having said that I also dont ever want my parents to suffer, if God willing.

Just wanted to put the thought out there and know what everyone thinks. Don't you think life is more unfair when death happens to the relatively young versus really old? Doesn't that make an impact on how we perceive the death? Don't our hearts break when we see our 60 or 50-something parent passes away and see our friend's parents in 80's going strong and being there for them? Knowing our parent could have lived for a little longer and he has lots of years still left?

What does everyone think?

Thanks for listening.

[lostblu]

My dad died at 59, I feel like the days of really hearing wisdom of someone in their 60's and '70s will be missed. I think it's always a shock, some might say the longer you know someone the harder it is to see them go. I think for me it was hard to see the dying process over a year and a half, I think that's something that still plagues me. I definitely think you are deprived of the cycle of life when your parents die in their 50's and soon thereafter.

[ModKonnie]

Anamika,

It certainly is "expected" that older people pass and younger people live, but I think the fairness of it all is a matter of perspective, don't you? I mean, to me, my father was young at 79. He was ill, and I knew he was going to die, but when it happened, nothing prepared me for the shock of it really happening. I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. I wanted more years with him.

My brother died at 21 from a car wreck. It was horrific and stunning. While the trauma of it was certainly tougher in that instant, watching my dad die slowly was almost worse because of the constant and long term suffering he endured. I sometimes can't help but hope when it's her time, my mother goes really fast and sudden, so she won't have to suffer. Then again, I want to be able to know and prepare myself--so it's just hard to say either way.

My heart personally breaks a little every time I read of someone else's loved one dying. When it happens to my friends and people physically around me, it brings back my own grief in many ways.

I get how tough this is no matter how you look at it. Thanks for you thoughtful question.

ModKonnie

[Anamika]

ModKonnie - Thanks so much for your response. I see that all your answers are so profound, thoughtful and helps clear my mind. I can't thank enough for that.

I think I totally agree with you. Nothing can ever prepare us for the loss of a loved one. The age at which they pass away, the age we are in when it happens, where we are with our own lives at that point in time, the state of other survivors and most importantly, how they passed away - all thay plays a role in the grieving process. Our loss and grief will be the same, no matter what, however you may have better ways of dealing with it depending on certain factors.

I see that how you were fortunate to have your father till 79, knowing he lived closer to his life expectancy but at the same time, the slow death was so traumatic and made the grief much worse. I totally see that. A friend of mine lost her dad (sudden death) in 50's and later lost her mom to cancer in 60's (slow death-6 months). She wrote to me "The grievance of loss of a loved one is far less painful than watching our beloved one suffer and fight for life". I think I totally agree with her.

When my healthy dad passed away at 69, unexpected, we were in total shock and disbelief, however the very few days he was at hospital, I couldn't stand to see him pain. He was not in whole lot of pain, thankfully, but still. I am sure I would have never wanted him to suffer and live a longer life. My eyes were tearing when I read what you wrote about your mother. It was the exact same thought I was having about my mother as well. I don't want to be selfish and have her longer, if she has to suffer. I hope I will be strong enough for that. May God bless our mothers and keep them healthy & happy.

I am so sorry for your losses. and thanks for your reply that really helped me find some peace. My friends's father had a sudden death at 85. He was totally healthy, led a great & happy life and had no worries of any kind - Financially very well off. A well respected man in all respects. She was still so sad and I was thinking she might deal with it better than me as her father lived such a long and fulfilling life. She is older than I am and has bigger kids, better settled in her own life. But I realised that it may not always be the case. She seems to be just as upset as I am. Like you said, the longer you have someone, the harder it might be to let go. Great thought.

Thanks for being there!

[Anamika]

lostblu - Thanks for the response. You made a great point in that the longer you may have someone, the harder to let them go. You would think grieving is easier for those who lose their parent in 80's or 90's. But who knows? If we were to take their place, we might just be heartbroken just as we are now.

I am sorry for your loss. 59 is too young to die. My father died in 60's. I wish he lived another 10 years. It was sudden, so he didnt have to suffer. Though that deprived us of the chance to get prepared, i think you are right that slow dying is much more worse.

May God grant us all peace.

[stillfighting431]

Anamika,

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss.....I feel your pain....Although it's logical to assume that younger person has more to offer & live for & hence their losss should hurt more..but the truth it,it's the same no matter what the age of the deceased is......It still hurts the same no matter at what age you lose a parent....I lost my mom at 72,a little over a year ago & I still can't get through a day without breaking down countless times......The pain still hasn't become bearable......Past few months my 85 year old dad has been unwell & was in hospital for a few days.......I find myself spiralling into the same deep depression as I did when mom passed away....I know I'm lucky to've them with me so long but it still doesn't change a thing.......Pain is pain...loss is loss.....

Here's my entry from way back........

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Posted 24 December 2011 - 02:49 PM

A few weeks ago, I went to a clothes store along with my sister where we used to shop regularly .It was our first visit there after mom's death.The senior salesman there who is a bit too talkative for my comfort greeted us enthusiastically and said,"On all your previous visits your phone starts ringing even before you enter the store,then you grab a few things hurriedly & rush off.I hope you've cleared out your afternoon 'cause you can't leave before I show you all the new arrivals".We explained to him how our mom was previously recovering from a total hip replacement but had since passed away.He was apologetic,offered his condolences & then asked how old our mom was.When I said 72 ,he said ,"Well that's okay then.It was her time to go anyway.How long can you expect your parents to last anyway,50 may be 60.I was 14 when I lost my dad,so 72 isn't bad at all."

I was dumbfounded & deeply hurt by his words.That's just one instance.I can't even recall how many times I've heard,"oh ! it's not the same" ".... no her mom was just 40" ."..I was only 23 when I lost my mom....."

Kali shey said it so perfectly...Most people believe there is an "expiry date" on grief.They think that since it's been 6 months now..or a year....you should've brushed your pain aside & moved on with your life.Just like that I feel most people believe that grief has an age limit as well.

From all I've seen & heard it seems grief is supposed to be inversely proportional to the sum of the ages of the deceased & the one grieving for them.So going by that..a 20/30 year old grieving for their 40/50 year old parent is sad &heartbreaking,a 40/50 year old like me, crying for their 70/80 year old parent is "childish" & that would probably make my 71 year old friend in Florida grieving the loss of her 91 year old mother for over a year now,"insane".After all 60 year old & over parents are supposed to have reached their "expiry date" & are fair game now.So grieving for them is foolish because they're supposed to have lived out their lives anyway.

It makes me really mad when I hear people say,how they we're only 14 or 20 when they lost their parent and so those losing a parent at 40 or over can't relate to them.Why?. ..Though I admit losing a parent in your teens or 20s would be very hard since you're still too dependent on your parents for all your needs.You need their help & guidance to discover who you are. But age doesn't matter when it comes to grief.Whether you lose your parent at 20,40 or 60,it still hurts the same..If anything it makes it so much harder to lose a parent with whom you have shared more than half your life.The bond that is forged is so much stronger.You have decades upon decades of memories with them,you come to depend on them so much for advice & emotional support that the loss is unbearable.That void always hurts & can never be filled.

Hope you feel better.....

[Anamika]

Stillfighting431 - Thanks for your detailed response that was very reassuring. The more I think about it, the more I hear from experiences, it appears that losing a parent is hard - regardless of age. The grief is the same. However losing a parent very young is painful as you are still too dependent on them and you want their guidance/reassurance to reveal your identity, to see you pass out of college and get married. I still think losing a parent that young is definitely worse, though grief might be the same.

But otherwise, I agree that losing a parent is hard regardless of the age. Though society does seem to think losing a parent old, 60 or above or 70 above is something expected and not to be grieved over. I see their perspective that the average loses their parent at 60, so they think grief has to be relative as well. and it is definitely harder to lose them younger.

I am sure I would have the same grief but will find it 100% harder to deal with it had I lost my dad 10 years ago. My dad could see both children get married and move on with their lives. My mom had his company for some more years, which definitely are things that will help me deal with grief better.

If he had died in his 70's instead of 60's, I would still have the same grief, I am very sure. But I will have some relief as well knowing he could see his grandchildren, grandchildren would have had a chance to know the great person he is, enjoy his love & warmth in the growing years and on top of everything - my mother would have had her love, her valentine, her only support for a longer while. She was totally dependent on him.

So I think the grief is the same. It's hard no matter what. But you might be able to hold on to certain thoughts for comfort when you lose a parent old versus young.

I am so sorry for your loss and I pray that your father gets well. Take care.

Thanks to everyone for posting. I think we really need to discuss topics such as this, discover our experiences, gather strength and peace from it. Death brings about so many questions. We should be asking those to the knowledged around and find our own peace & comfort.

[Anamika]

Modkonnie - Your responses carry such strength and motivation. Thank you.