Grappling with Grief

[azsummer2003]

Hello all,

It's been a while since I've last posted. I'm seven years in, and yet it still feels like yesterday sometimes.

I've come to the realization that this is as good as it gets. 80%. Never again will I know the innocence of love before the death of a child.

I thought that after so many years the grief would be less, but it's not really. It still hurts the same, it's just less OFTEN. Less often that I feel the rip roaring pain searing through my chest as it did when my son Taylor first died. But the SADNESS is so overpowering it's tragic.

I don't allow myself to wallow in grief as I used to. I've come to realize that in this world of ours, I am not allowed to wallow. I must be strong and keep my chin up, pull myself up from my bootstraps, be strong for my other child, etc. So I hold it all in -- as I imagine most of you who are reading this are doing also. I am able to distract myself from the grief long enough to pull myself away from the empty feelings and the yearnings to hold my young 17 year old son once again. But when I allow myself, my love for him comes flooding back like a river overflowing it's bank. Gosh, the love we have for our children - so unbreakable!

I still write on Taylor's website ( http://taylorburgsta....com/About.aspx ) and you'd think that by now I'd be able to just "let it go" as so many people have told me to do. But I can't. I don't dwel; and very seldom does anyone think that I am sad. But I am, so much so that I often find myself pretending that Taylor is still here and sitting beside me as I drive along the highway. My imaginary ife is so much more hopeful and happy than what my life is now.

I so wanted to be able to tell others that you really DO get over it. That time DOES heal all wounds, but I'm sorry to say that is just not the reality of our future. It does get better... just not as good as it used to be. I still hold onto hope for the futre...

L-

http://taylorburgsta....com/About.aspx

[hotrod]

Hi Grappling

Glad that you came back here and shared your heart. My only child, Stephen passed away over 5 years ago and I miss him every moment of every day.

When I hear a yourng man call out "Mom" I think "He sounded like Stephen" then quickly my mind tells me you will never be called "Mom" again . That is the time I too must stop, pull myself up by the boot straps and not permit my sinking into the loss and the deep pain that dwells just below my surface. Coming here, sharing . reading helps me to connect with others who are walking this path and to know I am not alone. It is good that you shared today.

[dsmurph]

Thank You for sharing.We lost our 14 year old daughter a little over a month ago. We also have a 22 year old daughter at college and a 6 year old daughter. Yes, we have to be strong for them. But it is so painful. It is a loss that you physically feel in your heart. It takes my breath away at times. It does the same to my husband. Everyone(who has never lost a child) says it will go away. But we know the pain and emptiness is forever, just like her being gone is forever.

Debbie