New Here

[LouQ]

Hi Everyone,

I am new here. My name is Lou and I just lost my wife November 12, 2012. I am so sad and heartbroken. We had been married for 26 years. We loved each other with all our hearts. There wasn't anything we didn't know about each other. We hugged and kissed and told each other we loved each other everyday. Today is Thanksgiving and I am staying home and not doing anything. I can't. It's too soon. It is not the same without her.

Lou

[widower2]

Welcome Lou and very sorry about your loss. I lost my beloved over a year ago and Thanksgiving was my first holiday w/o her. I hope you manage through it as best as possible..

[Jane A]

Welcome, LouQ. I am so sorry for your loss. You have found a great place to find empathic souls who are going through situations similar to yours. I rhink you are amazing for even being able to write here: I was such a mess after my husband passed that I don't even remember how I got through the first few months after he died. I even forgot my only daughter's wedding anniversary that first year, and my nephew had to remind me about it. Like you, we had been married a long time (+39 years) but it seems so little time, not nearly enough now.

I can completely understand that you do not want to do anything today. For you, that may be the best thing right now. (I could hardly even go shopping for a long time; thank goodness for my daughter or I might have starved to death!) But please don't leave it too long before you try to get out and celebrate a holiday or special day. For me, it never will be the same without my husband, but I am sure you will eventually find some solace in being with your children, and her (and your) relatives and friends as they are now. Not as it was when your wife was here, but nevertheless still a needed connection. I wish you a peaceful Thanksgiving. Do come back soon and tell us about your wife, and how you are coping!

Jane

[Yadairaisabel]

Hello Lou I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that you can use this day to be thankful for spending those wonderful years by your wife's side. I hope for the best for you

[Mdanielson4]

Lou,

I am so sorry for your loss, I know the feelings you are having and there is no other pain that compares. Love is such a strong emotion and fills our lives when we have a close partner to share our feelings. I lost my wife to cancer May 16^th 2012. This is a day that is going to be burnt into my memory for the rest of my life. I still wake up praying she will be by my side and it was just a horrible nightmare. We all have common losses and feed off of each other’s comfort. I wish you the best and hope you find comfort at this site as I have.

Mike

[UnderHis Wings]

Hi Everyone,

I am new here. My name is Lou and I just lost my wife November 12, 2012. I am so sad and heartbroken. We had been married for 26 years. We loved each other with all our hearts. There wasn't anything we didn't know about each other. We hugged and kissed and told each other we loved each other everyday. Today is Thanksgiving and I am staying home and not doing anything. I can't. It's too soon. It is not the same without her.

Lou

I'm so sorry for your loss, Lou. I lost my husband of 43 years in September. It has been incredibly difficult to spend every day without him. I stayed home today, too, and didn't invite anyone over. But I'm thankful that we had so many years together, and I'm thankful for the way he tried to take care of me. I hope we all find comfort as time passes.

[LOST26]

So sorry Lou. I know......it is devastating. I haven't found a way to really cope yet. If you have family that cares about you just lean on them. I think that has helped me some.

[LouQ]

Thank-you UnderHisWings,

I am sorry for not replying sooner. I never got an email saying I got a reply. I thought I had the settings set so I would.

I am very sorry about your husband. 43 years is a long time and that's great you guys had all that time together. My wife and I were married for 26 years and had a set of twins together. They are 24 years old. There wasn't a day that went by that my wife and I didn't hug and kiss and tell each other we loved each other. She was my everything. I have been trying to keep busy to keep my mind occupied or I would be screaming and crying all day. We had pet names for each other. I called her Angel and she called me Pookie Bear. I miss her so very much!

I'm so sorry for your loss, Lou. I lost my husband of 43 years in September. It has been incredibly difficult to spend every day without him. I stayed home today, too, and didn't invite anyone over. But I'm thankful that we had so many years together, and I'm thankful for the way he tried to take care of me. I hope we all find comfort as time passes.

[LouQ]

Hi Lost26,

Which family member have you lost? How long ago? I really don't have any family other than my kids but they have their own lives. We have a set of twins aged 24. All of our family has passed. I do have a sister but she is a schizophrenic so I really can't talk to her. I do have 2 friends that were friends of my wife's. They went to school together and then we all became friends. I talk to them a lot. The only thing I have found that helps is staying busy. Oh and I start counseling on dec. 4th. I am hoping that helps.

~Lou

So sorry Lou. I know......it is devastating. I haven't found a way to really cope yet. If you have family that cares about you just lean on them. I think that has helped me some.

[LouQ]

Thank-you Mdanielson4,

I am so sorry about your wife. How long had you been together? We were married for 26 years. She was my everything. Not a day went by that we didn't hug and kiss and tell each other we loved each other. We raised a set of twins together. We had a boy and a girl. They are 24 now. I haven't had any dreams about my wife yet. I wish I did. The only thing I can do which seems to help is to stay busy.

Lou,

I am so sorry for your loss, I know the feelings you are having and there is no other pain that compares. Love is such a strong emotion and fills our lives when we have a close partner to share our feelings. I lost my wife to cancer May 16^th 2012. This is a day that is going to be burnt into my memory for the rest of my life. I still wake up praying she will be by my side and it was just a horrible nightmare. We all have common losses and feed off of each other’s comfort. I wish you the best and hope you find comfort at this site as I have.

Mike

[LouQ]

Thank-you Yadairaisabel,

I am so sorry I haven't replied sooner. I thought I was supposed to get an email when someone posts something. I was so glad when Thanksgiving was over. I cant wait till Christmas is over. It hurts way too much.

~Lou

Hello Lou I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that you can use this day to be thankful for spending those wonderful years by your wife's side. I hope for the best for you

[LouQ]

Thank-you Jane A,

I am so sorry for not replying sooner. I thought I was supposed to get an email when someone posted.

I came here looking for others that are in my situation. Thank-you for the compliment. The only way I can cope is to stay busy. If I didn't I would scream and cry all day and night. I have to keep my mind occupied. She was my everything and we loved each other soo much. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't hug and kiss and tell each other we loved each other. I was soo thankful for her. I wish I would have a dream about her but so far I haven't had one.

39 years is a long time. I think that's great that you guys were together for so long. We were married 26 and yes you're right it does seem like it was so little time. For me the years just flew. And you are also right that it will never be the same. She was my everything! We really didn't have any relatives. They had all passed. I do have a sister that doesn't live too far away but she is a schizophrenic so I can't really talk to her and her husband is just a nut!

How long has it been Jane?

Well, I will be watching more closely to check the posts.

~Lou

Welcome, LouQ. I am so sorry for your loss. You have found a great place to find empathic souls who are going through situations similar to yours. I rhink you are amazing for even being able to write here: I was such a mess after my husband passed that I don't even remember how I got through the first few months after he died. I even forgot my only daughter's wedding anniversary that first year, and my nephew had to remind me about it. Like you, we had been married a long time (+39 years) but it seems so little time, not nearly enough now.

I can completely understand that you do not want to do anything today. For you, that may be the best thing right now. (I could hardly even go shopping for a long time; thank goodness for my daughter or I might have starved to death!) But please don't leave it too long before you try to get out and celebrate a holiday or special day. For me, it never will be the same without my husband, but I am sure you will eventually find some solace in being with her (and your) relatives and friends as they are now. Not as it was when your wife was here, but nevertheless still a needed connection. I wish you a peaceful Thanksgiving. Do come back soon and tell us about your wife, and how you are coping!

Jane

[LouQ]

Thank-you w2,

I remember talking to you on chat on thanksgiving. I am so sorry about your wife. How did you spend your thanksgiving this year? I loved my wife so much and she loved me. We had a special relationship going on and we hugged and kissed everyday and told each other we loved each other everyday. She was my everything!

~Lou

Welcome Lou and very sorry about your loss. I lost my beloved over a year ago and Thanksgiving was my first holiday w/o her. I hope you manage through it as best as possible..

[LouQ]

I just want to make sure I tell everyone I am sorry for not replying sooner. I thought I was supposed to get an email when someone posted. I will be checking the posts better from now on.

Thank-you,

~Lou

[Mdanielson4]

Lou, Hang in there, do what ever you find a little comfort in doing. I wish I had all the answers you are looking for, but I don’t. Unfortunately none of us can tell you what is going to help you specifically because we are all different. But this is a good place that will share some of the most personal and delicate parts of our lives just to try to help someone going through the pain we have endured. The people you will meet here are amazing and should all be proud of the help and comfort they give others. I don’t know what I would do without this site. I have no doubt God led me here for a reason. I am addicted to the comfort I find here. The people that are here are giving and usually here around the clock. Most respond within hours and really are always thinking of others. Hang in there and be open so we all can give you some comfort if possible.

Mike

[LouQ]

Thanks Mike,

You are right that we are all different so I guess we all handle things differently. Like my son. I don't know but he just seems to be going on as if nothing ever happened. All he talks about is his girlfriend and his work. Maybe that's just the way he handles things. I don't know. I have only gotten 2 replies since I last posted. One was a private message and then you. Yeah I need to find some comfort. I am starting to feel like I don't want to talk about it anymore because it just hurts too bad. I don't know if that's wrong or what but I know if I think too much I scream and cry because I miss her too much.

Lou, Hang in there, do what ever you find a little comfort in doing. I wish I had all the answers you are looking for, but I don’t. Unfortunately none of us can tell you what is going to help you specifically because we are all different. But this is a good place that will share some of the most personal and delicate parts of our lives just to try to help someone going through the pain we have endured. The people you will meet here are amazing and should all be proud of the help and comfort they give others. I don’t know what I would do without this site. I have no doubt God led me here for a reason. I am addicted to the comfort I find here. The people that are here are giving and usually here around the clock. Most respond within hours and really are always thinking of others. Hang in there and be open so we all can give you some comfort if possible.

Mike

[Mdanielson4]

Thanks Mike,

You are right that we are all different so I guess we all handle things differently. Like my son. I don't know but he just seems to be going on as if nothing ever happened. All he talks about is his girlfriend and his work. Maybe that's just the way he handles things. I don't know. I have only gotten 2 replies since I last posted. One was a private message and then you. Yeah I need to find some comfort. I am starting to feel like I don't want to talk about it anymore because it just hurts too bad. I don't know if that's wrong or what but I know if I think too much I scream and cry because I miss her too much.

Days will feel like you are going to get ripped apart. Then other days you may find some comfort. It is like a fresh wound it needs to be given time to mend. Sometimes it will be irritated and you will want to scratch it. It could break open and hurt. In time it will start getting a little better. Wounds are tender and can break open easily. We have to treat it with care and keep infection away. These wounds are no different. We have to be careful and watch what we expose it to. I have only found healing at this website. But keep in mind if you don’t let people know what is bothering you they cannot help. I wish only the best for you.

Mike

[LouQ]

Thanks Mike,

I understand what you are saying and it's true. I do feel better somedays and others not so much. I hope you are right that in time it will start getting better. I am being as open as I can be. I am just starting to feel like I don't want to talk about it anymore because it hurts too much. If I talk too much about it then all I do is cry and scream and I hate to cry because I cry so hard I feel like I am being suffocated. The most thing that helps me is for me to keep busy and to keep my mind occupied.

Days will feel like you are going to get ripped apart. Then other days you may find some comfort. It is like a fresh wound it needs to be given time to mend. Sometimes it will be irritated and you will want to scratch it. It could break open and hurt. In time it will start getting a little better. Wounds are tender and can break open easily. We have to treat it with care and keep infection away. These wounds are no different. We have to be careful and watch what we expose it to. I have only found healing at this website. But keep in mind if you don’t let people know what is bothering you they cannot help. I wish only the best for you.

Mike

[JimboRick]

Lou,

I am so sorry for your loss. This is a good place, and I you can find some comfort here.

Jim

[Jane A]

Dear Lou,

I am happy that you got through Thanksgiving - that was the first "family" type holiday that I went through too, and I found it unbelievably tough. For years I had been the one to do the Thanksgiving turkey dinner with all my husband's family and I was horrified that I wouldn"t make it through, but fortunately my sweet nephew's wife seemed to just understand immediately and phoned to say I shouldn't worry about doing it and that she and my nephew would do it that year. It was a lifesaver, as I wound up going, but frequently tearing up, so all I needed to do was slip into their bathroom and my niece-in-law knew what was going on and "covered" for me. (If anyone came into the kitchen to look for me she'd just say something like "oh I ran out of sour cream so I asked Auntie J if she could pop down to the convenience store and grab a pint".) She's a nurse in a neonatal ICU so she has seen a lot of sorrow (and had a lot herself when sweet little ones don't make it), so I guess she's seen and experienced a lot of grief, young as she is.

I'd bet a dollar to a doughnut that your son is focussing on anything except what he is feeling and thinking right now, and thinks he has to be stoic and strong for you: it's what I did when I lost my Mom when I was relatively young. I thought this would help my father "deal with it": sadly it wound up just making my Dad think that her death was not a big thing for me, which of course was totally wrong, and made him think that he didn't want to burden me with his thoughts and feelings as it seemed I was dealing with everything well and discouraged him from really letting his own thoughts and emotions out. I so wish I had shared my grief with him, because once I got into the mode of covering up my real feelings, I never really had the same close relationship with my Dad. No point in berating myself for it; all I can say is that this was the the very first time I understood grief and I was trying so hard to make things easier for him. I really think your son is likely doing the same thing for you, with the best of intentions. If I'd been older and wiser at the time, I think I would have told my Dad how devastated I was, but he's gone now too, so I just have to say to myself that I did the best I could do at the time. But if I had to do it again, I wish I would have reached out to my Dad to let him know how I really felt, and that might have been better for both of us.

I do hope that you and the twins can talk about your loss together, it might bring all of you to a much better place. And in the meantime, I am glad you have identified a counsellor to help you as you walk this lonely road. Never forget how many of us who are here and are going or have gone through it, and that we all care and would do all we can to help you.

P.S. You asked how long it has been for me. I lost my husband in April 2009, which makes it about 3 yrs. and 7 months ago.

Take care and hold on to the belief that you will eventually find some happiness again (because you will), and do let us know how you are doing and what's on your mind, even if you just need to vent!

Jane A.

[5boysdad1]

Hi Lou,

So sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. I was with my wife for about the same amount of time when she passed. I feel your pain.

Bob

[LouQ]

Thank-you Bob,

How long has it been for you? I was wondering how long it will take before this feeling lifts.

Hi Lou,

So sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. I was with my wife for about the same amount of time when she passed. I feel your pain.

Bob

[LouQ]

Thank-you Jane,

You seem so sweet and easy to talk to. You could be right about my son. He does act like he wants to "take care" of me.

That's great that you have family you can be around. I don't remember if I told you but I have one sister that doesn't live too far from me but she is mentally ill and really can't talk to her. Her husband isn't good to talk to either. I do have 2 people I can talk to though. They are people my wife went to school with and then we all became friends. One of them just lives across the street. She calls me almost everyday to see how I am.

I am having a problem with my daughter. Again I don't know if I told you but our daughter hadn't talked to us for like 5 years and when she found out my wife was sick she started writing. My daughter paints this picture of me like I was some monster when she was home. Anyone that knows us knows that is completely false. My daughter and I used to be so close. I would do anything for her. She was my little girl. Anyway, when she wrote the first letter to my wife she said she hoped my wife gets to read this letter before I ripped it from her hands and threw it away. I wrote back and I told her I would never do anything like that. I told her I would never do anything to stop her and my wife from having a relationship. So she did start talking to me and eventually we started texting each other. My wife and her would text also. Last year my wife was in the hospital and physical rehab for 7 months. When she came home my daughter only visited her once in the 9 months my wife was home before she ended back in the hospital. My son is mad at her also for not being in my wife's life very much. So before my wife passed my daughter asked me for stuff that belonged to her. I told her this wasn't the appropriate time. So the day of my wife's viewing at the funeral home she asked me again for her stuff. Then the other night she kept texting me over and over asking for my wife's stuff. I told her once that I wasn't ready to part with anything. That's really not the reason but I didn't want an argument. So she kept texting and I didn't reply. She told me I was stubborn and selfish. See first she told me that "mommy would have wanted me to have them." Then she said, "Mommy told me I could have them." and back to, "Mommy would have wanted me to have them." My son doesn't want me to give her anything because he thinks that she wasn't in my wife's life and the only time she showed that she cared was when she was sick. When my wife got a little better she wouldn't keep in touch. The thing that hurt me and my wife was that my daughter would go shopping on her payday. We live in the middle between the town she goes shopping in so she has to pass us and she never would stop by. One day not very long ago my wife was in the hospital and me and my daughter was talking and she said that she would come over more when she came home. She said she had just been too busy to come over. I told her well you're here now. She said, "Yeah I know." That was it. When my daughter left home it wasn't on good terms. My wife and I cried over it. I felt I lost my daughter. She wasn't the same.

Thanks for listening Jane. I very much appreciate it.

~Lou

Dear Lou,

I am happy that you got through Thanksgiving - that was the first "family" type holiday that I went through too, and I found it unbelievably tough. For years I had been the one to do the Thanksgiving turkey dinner with all my husband's family and I was horrified that I wouldn"t make it through, but fortunately my sweet nephew's wife seemed to just understand immediately and phoned to say I shouldn't worry about doing it and that she and my nephew would do it that year. It was a lifesaver, as I wound up going, but frequently tearing up, so all I needed to do was slip into their bathroom and my niece-in-law knew what was going on and "covered" for me. (If anyone came into the kitchen to look for me she'd just say something like "oh I ran out of sour cream so I asked Auntie J if she could pop down to the convenience store and grab a pint".) She's a nurse in a neonatal ICU so she has seen a lot of sorrow (and had a lot herself when sweet little ones don't make it), so I guess she's seen and experienced a lot of grief, young as she is.

I'd bet a dollar to a doughnut that your son is focussing on anything except what he is feeling and thinking right now, and thinks he has to be stoic and strong for you: it's what I did when I lost my Mom when I was relatively young. I thought this would help my father "deal with it": sadly it wound up just making my Dad think that her death was not a big thing for me, which of course was totally wrong, and made him think that he didn't want to burden me with his thoughts and feelings as it seemed I was dealing with everything well and discouraged him from really letting his own thoughts and emotions out. I so wish I had shared my grief with him, because once I got into the mode of covering up my real feelings, I never really had the same close relationship with my Dad. No point in berating myself for it; all I can say is that this was the the very first time I understood grief and I was trying so hard to make things easier for him. I really think your son is likely doing the same thing for you, with the best of intentions. If I'd been older and wiser at the time, I think I would have told my Dad how devastated I was, but he's gone now too, so I just have to say to myself that I did the best I could do at the time. But if I had to do it again, I wish I would have reached out to my Dad to let him know how I really felt, and that might have been better for both of us.

I do hope that you and the twins can talk about your loss together, it might bring all of you to a much better place. And in the meantime, I am glad you have identified a counsellor to help you as you walk this lonely road. Never forget how many of us who are here and are going or have gone through it, and that we all care and would do all we can to help you.

P.S. You asked how long it has been for me. I lost my husband in April 2009, which makes it about 3 yrs. and 7 months ago.

Take care and hold on to the belief that you will eventually find some happiness again (because you will), and do let us know how you are doing and what's on your mind, even if you just need to vent!

Jane A.

[val]

welcome Lou - my name is val. this is a very supportive group of people to post with and Chat with. I am sincerely sorry for your loss. it is so recent. My husband Jerry died july 5 2012 and this was my first holiday without him. it was hard.

now comes Christmas. i'm not looking forward to it.

anyway, keep coming back here; you'll find lots of support as you go through the grieving process. peace be with you and God Bless... val

[LouQ]

Hi Val,

Wow that is recent too. I am so sorry. I hated Thanksgiving and like you I am not looking forward to christmas. I can't wait for the season to be over. Do you have any family? We have a set of twins a boy and a girl aged 24 but as far as siblings or anything like that they all passed. I do have a sister that doesn't live very far away but she is mentally ill so I really can't talk to her. There are 2 other people I talk to. They went to school with my wife and then we all became friends after we got married. The one lives across the street. The other one only lives like 5 miles away. Talking to them helps. The biggest thing that helps me is to keep busy. It's so hard to think about it. I have cried and screamed. I cry so hard I feel like I am being suffocated. My wife and I had such a special relationship. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't hug and kiss and tell each other we loved each other. Even after 26 years of marriage. I miss her so very much. How long were you married? Have you tried going for counseling? I went to one and had an intake and that was nothing but paperwork but december 4th I will have a regular session. I hope she helps me.

welcome Lou - my name is val. this is a very supportive group of people to post with and Chat with. I am sincerely sorry for your loss. it is so recent. My husband Jerry died july 5 2012 and this was my first holiday without him. it was hard.

now comes Christmas. i'm not looking forward to it.

anyway, keep coming back here; you'll find lots of support as you go through the grieving process. peace be with you and God Bless... val

[LOST26]

Hi Lou,

Sorry I didn't get back with you sooner but my brothers and their familes have been here at the house trying to comfort me. They have been keeping me busy. I just love their little boys. They took me shopping but it wasn't much fun. I have a 27 year old son and with Christmas coming up I bought him a few things.

My husband died on Oct 26 from prostate cancer. He was only 49. We were together for 30 years and he was my first and only love.

I think you're right about trying to keep busy. That does seem to help. If you don't have much family around, good friends are nice to have. I haven't tried counseling so please let me know how that goes.

Looks like there are many people on this site who are helpful also. This is hard......I miss my husband very much and it doesn't seem to be getting any better but it's only been a little over a month.

[LouQ]

Hi Lost,

Is that what I call you...Lost? I just wanted to make sure.

That's great you have your brothers that are there comforting you! I don't have that.

Oh my I am so sorry about your husband. He was young! That's great though that you guys were together for 30 years! We almost made 30. I never thought we wouldn't have.

You know what else seems to help me is driving. I don't know if it's because I am forced to be occupied or what but it help me.

I will let you know how counseling goes on the 4th. This will only be my first session. I'm not sure if I'll get anything out of it so soon. I am thinking she has to get to know me and all my problems and stuff. But yeah I will definitely tell you how it went.

Yes you are right about it being hard. I miss my wife so so much. I am so sick over it. I am also angry because I don't believe she had to pass away. I only found out that she had 10 bedsores a week before she passed. I knew she had a couple but not 10. No one ever told me. The one was on her tailbone and they said it would never heal. I want to know why these sores got to be in the stage they were in. Why didn't they treat them earlier so they didn't get that bad. You know a friend told me that you usually hear about people dying from cancer or heart trouble but not bedsores. When people ask me what happened and I tell them bedsores they look at me like that doesn't sound right. See, my wife was at a nursing home for physical therapy. That's all she was there for because she had gotten cellulitus under her belly and they had to operate on it and she was in way too much pain to go home. I tried to dress her when they discharged her but I couldn't because she screamed in pain like someone was murdering her. And the Dr. would NOT send her home with any pain medication. He said to ask your PCP. After she went to the nursing home she was only supposed to be there for less than 6 months. Then she would have to go back and forth to the hospital during that time for different things like her blood pressure would go low. She was on dialysis also. Then one day the dialysis center told me they had done a culture and she had bacteria in her blood. My wife had started to talk out of her head because she had sepsis. She would go from talking normal to talking goofy off and on. By this time the nursing home had her on a fentanyl patch, oxycontin and oxycodone. When she was in the hospital they would give her dilaudid shots as well. Anyway, I really don't believe the nursing home and the hospital did right with their treatment.

Hi Lou,

Sorry I didn't get back with you sooner but my brothers and their familes have been here at the house trying to comfort me. They have been keeping me busy. I just love their little boys. They took me shopping but it wasn't much fun. I have a 27 year old son and with Christmas coming up I bought him a few things.

My husband died on Oct 26 from prostate cancer. He was only 49. We were together for 30 years and he was my first and only love.

I think you're right about trying to keep busy. That does seem to help. If you don't have much family around, good friends are nice to have. I haven't tried counseling so please let me know how that goes.

Looks like there are many people on this site who are helpful also. This is hard......I miss my husband very much and it doesn't seem to be getting any better but it's only been a little over a month.

[Jane A]

Hello, Lou.

Thank you so much for sharing some of your family's issues. I cannot keep my eyes open here, as I only got about 3 hours of sleep yesterday, but I will try to get back to you tomorrow. In any case, I am thinking about you, and hope that today has been a relatively good one for you. Talk to you tomorrow!

JNE

[LouQ]

Thank-you Jane,

It seems like at night around this time I get feeling really low. It just doesn't feel like this is real. I feel like she is still going to come home.

Hello, Lou.

Thank you so much for sharing some of your family's issues. I cannot keep my eyes open here, as I only got about 3 hours of sleep yesterday, but I will try to get back to you tomorrow. In any case, I am thinking about you, and hope that today has been a relatively good one for you. Talk to you tomorrow!

JNE

[val]

Hi Lou Q.... it is Val again. Yes, i've tried counseling, still am at it, but getting a different counselor , one that specializes in grief. I have my parents pretty close by, they supported me through Thanksgiving...other than th at it's just me and my cat. I know these first holidays will be hard.

Keep posting and talking about it. my job helps keep me busy, but when i am there, somedays i feel i'd give anything to just leave for a while. i don't really know if i'm in the right line of work right now. I work as a case manager for a community mental health agency, so at least i work wth a bunch of doctors, therapists, counselors...they have been most supportive. God Bless You , Lou Q.... hugs, val

[LOST26]

Lou,

You can call me lost cause that's how I feel. Totally lost......and angry.

From what you say about your wife it doesn't sound right. It sounds like maybe someone messed up somewhere. You might want to check into it.

I'm not happy about my husband's medical treatment either. I'm requesting all of his medical records from about 2 months before he started really going down hill. The entire time he was on chemo he never vomited and when he was on a break from chemo he started vomiting without even getting nauseous first. Of course I called and kept letting them know. They just prescribed an anti-nausea medicine. His liver enzymes were going up so I questioned that and was told it was probably his Epstein Bar virus (this is sort of like chronic mono--it flaired up at times) Well guess what? The entire time the cancer was invading his liver and they didn't catch it. I think they dropped the ball and I'm very upset especially with the elevated liver enzymes. I'm going to get the records first and see how much time he went from vomiting and elevated liver enzymes to the time he declined. I should remember but some of it is a blur.....I spent so many days without sleep and trying to take care of him it's like I can't remember some of the details.

My husband ended up with a blood infection also. They said his venous port was infected but since he was dying they said it didn't matter. He died 3 days after we were told about the infection in the blood. His liver failed due to the cancer.

It's so hard to put this behind me. People say you have to move on but I'm still reliving all of the agony. I think I need to resolve the medical part before I can start to cope, heal, move on, or whatever it's called.

Sorry, I don't sound like much help do I? I'm reading this grieving book and it says if you are unhappy with your loved ones medical treatment to write letters to the staff that provided care and let them know how you feel about it.

[LouQ]

Lost,

I am going to bed now. I am tired and I usually go to bed at this time anyway but tomorrow I have to run an errand but when I come back I promise to reply. I'll just say for now I already have a lawyer working on this for me.

~Lou

Lou,

You can call me lost cause that's how I feel. Totally lost......and angry.

From what you say about your wife it doesn't sound right. It sounds like maybe someone messed up somewhere. You might want to check into it.

I'm not happy about my husband's medical treatment either. I'm requesting all of his medical records from about 2 months before he started really going down hill. The entire time he was on chemo he never vomited and when he was on a break from chemo he started vomiting without even getting nauseous first. Of course I called and kept letting them know. They just prescribed an anti-nausea medicine. His liver enzymes were going up so I questioned that and was told it was probably his Epstein Bar virus (this is sort of like chronic mono--it flaired up at times) Well guess what? The entire time the cancer was invading his liver and they didn't catch it. I think they dropped the ball and I'm very upset especially with the elevated liver enzymes. I'm going to get the records first and see how much time he went from vomiting and elevated liver enzymes to the time he declined. I should remember but some of it is a blur.....I spent so many days without sleep and trying to take care of him it's like I can't remember some of the details.

My husband ended up with a blood infection also. They said his venous port was infected but since he was dying they said it didn't matter. He died 3 days after we were told about the infection in the blood. His liver failed due to the cancer.

It's so hard to put this behind me. People say you have to move on but I'm still reliving all of the agony. I think I need to resolve the medical part before I can start to cope, heal, move on, or whatever it's called.

Sorry, I don't sound like much help do I? I'm reading this grieving book and it says if you are unhappy with your loved ones medical treatment to write letters to the staff that provided care and let them know how you feel about it.

[LouQ]

Hi Val,

I am glad to hear from you again! I usually go to bed at this time and I am very tired. I have to run an errand tomorrow but when I come back I promise to reply.

~Lou

Hi Lou Q.... it is Val again. Yes, i've tried counseling, still am at it, but getting a different counselor , one that specializes in grief. I have my parents pretty close by, they supported me through Thanksgiving...other than th at it's just me and my cat. I know these first holidays will be hard.

Keep posting and talking about it. my job helps keep me busy, but when i am there, somedays i feel i'd give anything to just leave for a while. i don't really know if i'm in the right line of work right now. I work as a case manager for a community mental health agency, so at least i work wth a bunch of doctors, therapists, counselors...they have been most supportive. God Bless You , Lou Q.... hugs, val

[Jane A]

Hello Lou,

I saw that you were really beat last night too -- I hope you dealt with it better than I did. I wound up still awake at 4:00 a.m. so finally took a sleeping pill ... and then slept through until 9:30 a.m. (2-3 hours later than I usually do) so my diurnal clock is totally out of whack today. As a result I also managed to throw the puppy's schedule off too ... I think I threw his whole body clock off as he seems to have problems with his potty training as well as his waking/sleeping schedule today ... aaarrrggghhhh! Oh well I did decide to get a puppy to give me something loving to keep me involved and occupied, and he sure did that for me today.

I am so sorry to hear how distressing your daughter's actions have been. It's terrible to lose your long-time spouse, but you surely could do without the extra drama she is creating for both you and her brother at this point. You sure didn't need that on top of all the grief that you and he are going through. I always wanted a brother and/or a sister when I was growing up, and never got one, but now that I hear about your situation I am thinking that maybe it's just as well that I was an only child, and looking at my nephews and seeing and hearing about the brou-hahas they get into, even at 38 and 40 years of age, my daughter says she's glad that she's also an "only". Funny, isn't it, how sometimes when you get what you think you want, you later discover that you would never have wanted it if you'd known how it would turn out? I hope you might be able to contact her after your grief is a bit relieved, but if not, so be it, it seems to be her choice and has nothing to do with your good wife's death, so she certainly doesn't appear to want or need anything from you. I do hope. for her sake as well as for your son and her, that you may be able after a period of time to put some of this behind you, at least to the point you can all talk to each other. If not, at least you tried, and you will have absolutely nothing to feel badly about, and I am sure your son will come back to normal as he works through his own grief, and you both can be there for each other.

I guess I grew up into that make-believe world of the 50's when Moms stayed at home and wore makeup and lipstick and a dress to cook dinner, and Dad was working, but still was home for dinner and you could get kind and wise advice from him? And your big brother looked after you and protected you from bullies. And your Mom could fix almost anything with a smile and a tight hug.Talk about a make-believe world!

Well here it is after 11:00 p.m. again so I should take the dog out and then get him into bed so that he may have a chance to get back on schedule for tomorrow. Are you still working? And do you think that it helps or hinders you in handling your feelings? I intended to go back to work after my husband died, but for the first few months I simply couldn't deal with both the job and the grief together (I was a teacher at the local community college), so I quit, and for me it was a good thing. I do miss the contact with people and students, but looking at where I am now versus then, I am sure I would have been bouncing off the walls and ceiling if I had continued, and I really don't think that I would have recovered at all without spending a lot of time working through it all.

Goodnight, and I do hope you will have more and more days where you can relax, and fewer and fewer when you feel like screaming and sobbing. Don't worry about this reaction, by the way, we all do it!

Best to you! Keep writing.

Jane

[LouQ]

Hi Jane,

It was good to hear from you!

Yeah I have been sleeping on the couch. I don't have TV but I like to find a good and long documentary online like from youtube and it helps me fall asleep. I turn the volume down low and the voices helps me to fall asleep.

That's cute about your puppy. I thought about getting one too but I'm not sure I could handle the responsibility. My son has 2 Shelties. I don't know if you know what they are but they look like a miniature collie. He has 1 that's just under a year old and another one that is about 3 years old. The one that is 3 years old her name is Maya. She is a very shy dog except when she is around my son. She acts kinda weird and we all said we thought she was abused before my son got her. Then he got the puppy and his name is Blaze. He acts like a "real" dog. I really got attached to him when a few months ago my son had asked me to dog sit for him while he went to a concert. My wife actually got to hold blaze when my son first got him. Now my son says that the older one, Maya, is attacking Blaze. I think it's a jealously thing. My son wants to get rid of Maya and asked me if I wanted her. I told him no. For one thing Maya and I never could connect. She won't come to me or let me pet her or anything. My son got her when he was still living at home and she would sit outside my son's bedroom door and wait for him to come home from work. She wouldn't even come down to eat. For a short time Maya did lay down with my wife on the couch. She would lay by my wife's feet and then she just quit doing that for some reason. I don't want Maya too because she just doesn't act like "real" dog. My wife wanted a little puppy after our son moved out but we just couldn't find the one that she wanted.

I hope your bio clock gets back to normal for you. I usually lie down at 7pm and wake up at 7am. That's been working out pretty good for me. Last night though a friend of my wife's and I called me and she loves to talk and I didn't get off the phone till about 8pm or so but I still managed to get up at 7am.

Yes you are right I don't need the extra drama from my daughter. She acts like she's been so close with my wife for all these years and that just wasn't the case. She hadn't talked to any of us for a number of years and when she did start to talk again she acted like nothing ever happened and we should just continue where it left off. Only thing is a lot had happened during those years. I really don't know my daughter anymore. She's older now and things had happened in her life we knew nothing about. Her boyfriend used to send me messages on the computer that were so vile and disgusting and when I did bring it up to her she didn't care. Her boyfriend had said some awful things to my son too when they would run into each other at different stores. My daughter has no family loyalty. She lets anyone talk bad about her family and she doesn't care. That really hurts because my wife and I were always there for her. She never had a bad childhood and my son even agrees yet my daughter somehow has it in her mind that she had an awful childhood. So I just don't know.

I didn't grow up in the 50's but I am familiar with the way things were. It did sound like a nice idea though. And I do miss the innocence the kids had. I see kids today and it appauls me how they act. In my neighborhood I am always asking myself, "where are their parents?" The parents don't care. They let the kids just do what they want, talk the way they want, hang with whomever and go where they want. These kids have no discilpline in their lives and no respect for their elders. That's how it is in my neighborhood anyway.

I haven't worked in a long time. My wife wasn't in perfect health for years. Back in 1993 she had her one kidney removed, then she developed a curved spine, she had diabetes and high blood pressure and she needed help raising the kids. So I stayed home and did all the domestic chores and helped raise the twins. Now I don't know what to do. Maybe after I get somewhat normal again or IF I ever get normal again maybe I can take a part time job or take a class or something. Right now though I want to give counseling a try and see what happens there.

Take care Jane and hope to talk again soon,

~Lou

Hello Lou,

I saw that you were really beat last night too -- I hope you dealt with it better than I did. I wound up still awake at 4:00 a.m. so finally took a sleeping pill ... and then slept through until 9:30 a.m. (2-3 hours later than I usually do) so my diurnal clock is totally out of whack today. As a result I also managed to throw the puppy's schedule off too ... I think I threw his whole body clock off as he seems to have problems with his potty training as well as his waking/sleeping schedule today ... aaarrrggghhhh! Oh well I did decide to get a puppy to give me something loving to keep me involved and occupied, and he sure did that for me today.

I am so sorry to hear how distressing your daughter's actions have been. It's terrible to lose your long-time spouse, but you surely could do without the extra drama she is creating for both you and her brother at this point. You sure didn't need that on top of all the grief that you and he are going through. I always wanted a brother and/or a sister when I was growing up, and never got one, but now that I hear about your situation I am thinking that maybe it's just as well that I was an only child, and looking at my nephews and seeing and hearing about the brou-hahas they get into, even at 38 and 40 years of age, my daughter says she's glad that she's also an "only". Funny, isn't it, how sometimes when you get what you think you want, you later discover that you would never have wanted it if you'd known how it would turn out? I hope you might be able to contact her after your grief is a bit relieved, but if not, so be it, it seems to be her choice and has nothing to do with your good wife's death, so she certainly doesn't appear to want or need anything from you. I do hope. for her sake as well as for your son and her, that you may be able after a period of time to put some of this behind you, at least to the point you can all talk to each other. If not, at least you tried, and you will have absolutely nothing to feel badly about, and I am sure your son will come back to normal as he works through his own grief, and you both can be there for each other.

I guess I grew up into that make-believe world of the 50's when Moms stayed at home and wore makeup and lipstick and a dress to cook dinner, and Dad was working, but still was home for dinner and you could get kind and wise advice from him? And your big brother looked after you and protected you from bullies. And your Mom could fix almost anything with a smile and a tight hug.Talk about a make-believe world!

Well here it is after 11:00 p.m. again so I should take the dog out and then get him into bed so that he may have a chance to get back on schedule for tomorrow. Are you still working? And do you think that it helps or hinders you in handling your feelings? I intended to go back to work after my husband died, but for the first few months I simply couldn't deal with both the job and the grief together (I was a teacher at the local community college), so I quit, and for me it was a good thing. I do miss the contact with people and students, but looking at where I am now versus then, I am sure I would have been bouncing off the walls and ceiling if I had continued, and I really don't think that I would have recovered at all without spending a lot of time working through it all.

Goodnight, and I do hope you will have more and more days where you can relax, and fewer and fewer when you feel like screaming and sobbing. Don't worry about this reaction, by the way, we all do it!

Best to you! Keep writing.

Jane

[LouQ]

Hi Val,

Good to hear from you! Sorry about last night. I usually go to sleep around 7pm but a friend of mine and my wife's called and she loves to talk so I think it was around 8pm or so when I got off the phone. yeah I lay down at 7pm and get up at 7am. That's been working out ok for me.

I hope you like your new counselor. Let me know how it goes for you. That's great you still have your parents and they support you. My parents and my wife's parents had passed away a long time ago.

Yeah I don't work. I had been taking care of my wife for quite awhile. I am thinking maybe when I get normal again or IF I ever do maybe I will take a part time job or take a class or something. I don't know. Right now I want to give my counselor a try and see what happens there. That's great also, Val, that you get some support on the job. I really don't have much support. I think that's why I turned here.

Thanks Val for talking to me. It helps me a lot!

~Lou

Hi Lou Q.... it is Val again. Yes, i've tried counseling, still am at it, but getting a different counselor , one that specializes in grief. I have my parents pretty close by, they supported me through Thanksgiving...other than th at it's just me and my cat. I know these first holidays will be hard.

Keep posting and talking about it. my job helps keep me busy, but when i am there, somedays i feel i'd give anything to just leave for a while. i don't really know if i'm in the right line of work right now. I work as a case manager for a community mental health agency, so at least i work wth a bunch of doctors, therapists, counselors...they have been most supportive. God Bless You , Lou Q.... hugs, val

[LouQ]

Thanks Lost for replying,

I understand how you feel when you say you feel lost and angry because I feel the same way.

Yes I do believe between the nursing home and hospital they both messed up big time. I do have a lawyer looking into things. He feels pretty confident about it. I do hope the case goes through. If it does I would want to build some kind of memorial for my wife. I just don't want to have my wife die in vain. I did get my wife's records and pictures from the hospital. I gave them to my lawyer. There were almost 400 pages in her record since the end of July. The way I feel now I don't trust any healthcare providers and I certainly don't trust any nursing home. At least around here anyway. You know you might have a case yourself. It wouldn't hurt to get a free consultaion. It's just my opinion but I wouldn't write anything to the staff until I talked to a lawyer. Like I said it can't hurt.

I know what you mean about when people say you should move on, etc. Maybe I should but I have to do it on MY time and everyone copes with things differently and for me it's gonna be slow. Would you believe I have actually had people tell me I should move on and find someone else? How can I even THINK about looking for someone else? It hurts me when people say things like that to me.

Oh and you know what? My wife was in the hospital when she passed and like I said I wasn't thrilled in the least about the care she received but I did get a sympathy card from 2 of the workers there. The nursing home? Nothing! Not a card, a call...nothing! Makes me believe they are afraid of something.

Yes you do help. I enjoy receiving messages from you and talking to you. Please don't stop because it does help.

~Lou

Lou,

You can call me lost cause that's how I feel. Totally lost......and angry.

From what you say about your wife it doesn't sound right. It sounds like maybe someone messed up somewhere. You might want to check into it.

I'm not happy about my husband's medical treatment either. I'm requesting all of his medical records from about 2 months before he started really going down hill. The entire time he was on chemo he never vomited and when he was on a break from chemo he started vomiting without even getting nauseous first. Of course I called and kept letting them know. They just prescribed an anti-nausea medicine. His liver enzymes were going up so I questioned that and was told it was probably his Epstein Bar virus (this is sort of like chronic mono--it flaired up at times) Well guess what? The entire time the cancer was invading his liver and they didn't catch it. I think they dropped the ball and I'm very upset especially with the elevated liver enzymes. I'm going to get the records first and see how much time he went from vomiting and elevated liver enzymes to the time he declined. I should remember but some of it is a blur.....I spent so many days without sleep and trying to take care of him it's like I can't remember some of the details.

My husband ended up with a blood infection also. They said his venous port was infected but since he was dying they said it didn't matter. He died 3 days after we were told about the infection in the blood. His liver failed due to the cancer.

It's so hard to put this behind me. People say you have to move on but I'm still reliving all of the agony. I think I need to resolve the medical part before I can start to cope, heal, move on, or whatever it's called.

Sorry, I don't sound like much help do I? I'm reading this grieving book and it says if you are unhappy with your loved ones medical treatment to write letters to the staff that provided care and let them know how you feel about it.

[LOST26]

Hi Lou,

The last couple of days have seemed extra rough for me. I don't know if it's because of Christmas and my husband's birthday coming up or what. I've been trying to stay busy with work and with one of my brothers and his family but I just want to cry. I do pretty good at holding it back but I get this awful feeling in my stomach... My son and I were invited to my husband's Christmas party where he worked. They just loved him and want us to come but I don't know if I can. I went shopping by myself and I made it to the dressing booth and that's where I had my crying spell.....had to go home.

I'm still waiting for my husband's medical records to arrive in the mail. I'm anxious to read them but at the same time terrified. It's weird but just seeing his name on paper tears me up. I'm going to have to toughen up if I'm going to read through all of those medical reports. I just hate this.....He is always in the back of my mind even when I am trying to work or when I'm busy but sometimes I have something like a panic attack where I think of him and in my mind I'm thinking oh my God he is really gone! I mean I know he is gone but it's like it just comes over me at times like it's trying to sink in or something. Do you know what I mean? I think I'm just going nuts...

Lost

[LouQ]

Hi Lost,

I understand about the last couple of days being rough on you because they have been on me too. With Christmas coming I just get really sad. It used to be my favorite time of the year and now it's the worst. I am not putting up a tree or decorating this year. It will just make me more sad and honestly I haven't really felt like doing much. The last couple of days I just had to get out of the house. Too many memories here. I went over to a friend's house. Her name is Sandy and she and my wife went to school together. After my wife and I were married we all became friends. Going to Sandy's really helps me. She is a "talker" and that seems to help me a lot. I think too because we have something in common. We both knew my wife. Anyway, I honestly can't wait till these holidays are over. I am gonna go to my son's house for Christmas. I am going to bake a ham and bring it over to his house and me and him and probably his girlfriend will eat together. I just feel like I should be with him that day. But I can't wait till that day is over.

I am sorry you broke down shopping. I hate going to stores now being all the Christmas stuff is out. It just makes me sad. I see stuff I would have loved to buy for my wife for Christmas.

Regarding the medical reports, I went to the hospital and they just gave them to me. The pictures of her wounds I had to wait a couple of days for because their printer broke down and had to get a new one. But they did give them to me.

Please don't think you are going nuts. I experience similar to what you are experiencing. I know how you feel. I had a panic attack one day while I was driving. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I just had to focus on taking slow deep breaths and trying to calm down. It did work for me. I still feel like my wife is going to come home. I hate that feeling because I know that is not possible. December 4th I will have my first counseling session. I hope she will help me. I'll let you know how it goes.

By the way, the people on here that had been talking to me just quit. Maybe they are just busy with the holidays or something I don't know. I was so glad to see in my email that I got a letter from you. I do understand though about you having it rough the past few days. But please do not think you are going nuts because you aren't.

~Lou

Hi Lou,

The last couple of days have seemed extra rough for me. I don't know if it's because of Christmas and my husband's birthday coming up or what. I've been trying to stay busy with work and with one of my brothers and his family but I just want to cry. I do pretty good at holding it back but I get this awful feeling in my stomach... My son and I were invited to my husband's Christmas party where he worked. They just loved him and want us to come but I don't know if I can. I went shopping by myself and I made it to the dressing booth and that's where I had my crying spell.....had to go home.

I'm still waiting for my husband's medical records to arrive in the mail. I'm anxious to read them but at the same time terrified. It's weird but just seeing his name on paper tears me up. I'm going to have to toughen up if I'm going to read through all of those medical reports. I just hate this.....He is always in the back of my mind even when I am trying to work or when I'm busy but sometimes I have something like a panic attack where I think of him and in my mind I'm thinking oh my God he is really gone! I mean I know he is gone but it's like it just comes over me at times like it's trying to sink in or something. Do you know what I mean? I think I'm just going nuts...

Lost

[val]

Dear Lou - it is Val. i'm not gone ; i'm sorry i haven't written sooner to you. I too have had panic attacks where i had to leave the building i was in; it was while i was at work. terrible feeling. doctor put me on some meds. this xmas thing is looming over my head. but i finally think i can at least hang a wreath on my door. Jerry always wanted the house to look nice, so i will do it for him.. in his memory. i love him so .... he died july 5 2012 so all these first holidays are really hard. that's about all i know for now. licking my wounds quietly, i am, valerie

God Bless You Lou through these holidays.

[LouQ]

Val,

I'm sorry it's just that I haven't heard from most of the people that I was talking to. I guess they have things going on in their lives too.

I understand about the Christmas thing. I cannot wait till these holidays are over. I Love my wife too and there's just too many memories in this house. If I can ever afford to move I will. I can't function very well here.

~Lou

Dear Lou - it is Val. i'm not gone ; i'm sorry i haven't written sooner to you. I too have had panic attacks where i had to leave the building i was in; it was while i was at work. terrible feeling. doctor put me on some meds. this xmas thing is looming over my head. but i finally think i can at least hang a wreath on my door. Jerry always wanted the house to look nice, so i will do it for him.. in his memory. i love him so .... he died july 5 2012 so all these first holidays are really hard. that's about all i know for now. licking my wounds quietly, i am, valerie

God Bless You Lou through these holidays.

[val]

I am sorry you don't feel right in your own home. I don't want to and will not move. All the memories, all the love jerry put into this house to make it my home..well i'm not going anywhere. don't want to; this is my sanctuary. why don't you come back to chat and join us?

God Bless You Lou, val

[LOST26]

Lou,

I haven't been on here in a while. I guess I've just been too depressed to type anything up. Today was our anniversary so it was a bad day. It's good that you have your friend Sandy to talk to. I have my brothers and a few friends from the past. They heard the news and started offering support. I know they mean well but I feel like nobody really knows what I'm going through. They can't make things better for me...nobody can. Maybe it will just take time, I don't know......

I made it through Thanksgiving, our anniversary, and now here comes Christmas. Yippie!! I need to fake my way through all of this because our house is the entertainment place. We have all of the family get togethers...We had Thanksgiving at our house but still not sure about Christmas yet. I'm going to put up a tree just because I am the Christmas nut. I usually have the house decorated the day after Thanksgiving but I'll have to force myself to do it this year. I think my son looks to me for comfort. I think a tree would be a good thing since he still considers this place home. He has his own place but this is where he was raised and it feels like home. I think helping him cope is a way for me to cope myself. Plus you gotta have a tree to put the presents under. Right? I'm trying to convince myself.....

I still feel like my husband is out somewhere and will be coming home so I know how you feel when it comes to that. I hate it that I lost the person who knew me so well, loved me so much, and adored me. We didn't hang out with friends and we liked it that way. It was just the two of us and we were so happy. He made everything ok.........

Hope the counseling is going well.

Lost

[val]

Dear Lou:

Well I tried the xmas shopping yesterday; i basically went to appease and pleasure my mother who is 80 and she wanted to go. it turned out pretty well, i took her out for chinese afterwards (dad hates chinese -he's 83) so he was not with us. It was very hard but i tried to be upbeat, faking it through. i lost it though when i was outside and saw a man in a wheelchair and the bell ringers and the man was giving him money. i too dumped all my change in the salvation army box and wished them a 'merry xmas' the first time i've been able to say that. i did as a dear friend suggested and gave my mother brilliant hugs and kisses when i saw her and told her i loved her. she walked around all day with my kissmark on her forehead. she didn't mind. anyway i am writng this to let you know you are not alone and there are many of us just trying to get through these holidays.

At this point, i hope you no longer feel so new here. you have become one of the family Lou. It is a trying time for all of us, and through, chats, forums and some of us exchange phone calls, we are making it. the world will not come to a screeching halt as we may wish, for our grief. what i am trying to say is that i noticed life going on outside my bubble of pain yesterday and i tried to participate in it. My wish for you is to hold your head upright toward the sky and know you have an angel and the Lord watching over you. He will carry you when you feel you can't do so yourself. He has always been there. My best to you, Val

[Silvergirl61]

I have been really trying to focus on the happiness and less on the loss . I am leaving my job, because I can't adjust anything there, it's too inflexible. What am I going to do? Don't know yet.

I put up our tree, and it made me feel better. I am going to try and get some cards out, because it might help.

I haven't been feeling like talking lately much, and some days I feel so very terribly alone...but other days..it's ok. not great, but ok.

I'm sorry I haven't been coming in..and sorry I have been missing all of you, when you are here.

I finally put a picture of me, now, on the site, so those of you who talk to me and don't have facebook, have an idea of what I look like anyway. We'll make it through, I think. I have finally learned to reach out and ask for help when I need it, most times. (Want you all to know how much I appreciate you here, and say thank you, for talking and sharing your experiences, for calling me, for taking my calls, when I get the courage to dial a phone!)

These holidays are hard. We just have to do what we need to, and listen to what's in our hearts, instead of other people's heads, about what we should do, sometimes.

Hoping you all have a Merry Christmas, or whichever alternative holiday pleases you. Be good to yourself, and remember..it's ok to feel happy, too. I had a problem with that at first. It made me feel guilty, I guess.

[val]

Dear Silver: I certainly notice a change in your perspective and am so happy you shared that with me last night in Chat.

I have been struggling with allowing myself to feel good too because it made me feel guilty. So glad you brought that up. Trying to focus on the positives is hard for me but today because of your post and support from those around me, i iwll try it again. it is only 4.30 here but i got plenty of sleep, sorry i left chat abruptly. just felt ihad nothing to offer anyone. Glad you put up your tree and more. I am as ever grateful for your support. hugs and love, val

[val]

Dear Silver: I certainly notice a change in your perspective and am so happy you shared that with me last night in Chat.

I have been struggling with allowing myself to feel good too because it made me feel guilty. So glad you brought that up. Trying to focus on the positives is hard for me but today because of your post and support from those around me, i iwll try it again. it is only 4.30 here but i got plenty of sleep, sorry i left chat abruptly. just felt ihad nothing to offer anyone. Glad you put up your tree and more. I am as ever grateful for your support. hugs and love, val

[Silvergirl61]

Hey Val-

Good to see you! Hope it's a good day for you today! One of my last 3 at my old job, so it will be ok, I hope. Just have to tell myself to do what I can and let the rest go, right?

Part of the change in perspective came by thinking , seriously, about what Dennis and I had talked about in the past, letting the memories in, and realizing that even if it hurt, that I needed to go back over those things. Instead of making me feel worse, it helped, because I tried to focus on how our life was together, and what he wanted me to do, how he reacted when i was hurting, etc. I realized how little he ever wanted me to hurt, and it made a lot of difference.

I can't change any of the things that have already happened, as desperately as I wish I could. All I can do now, is focus on how wonderful our life together was, and try to make the life I have left as good, if that makes sense. It's what he would have wanted me to do. He hated to see me cry, just hated it. He'd do anything to get me to smile, silly things, sweet things...and the memory of that helped me. Try this..the next time you feel overwhelmed...let a memory of Jerry comforting you, or teasing you, or trying to make you smile come in, and focus on it...see if it helps. I sometimes get tears, but more often, I get calm, and sometimes, I even smile. It's because I can still feel the love- and I think I always will. Even if he's not right here, the love still comes through.

If it's only a memory, or a dream, that's fine with me. If I can go on, it's what he'd want, same as I would have wanted for him.

Love you, Val! And that goes for the rest of you, too.....

Silver

[LouQ]

Hi Silvergirl,

I am sorry you had to leave your job. I really don't know how anyone can stay on the job after a loss like ours. I wouldn't be able to concentrate. I hope you can come up with an alternative plan.

That's good you were able to put up your tree. I am not able to do that. Maybe next year I don't know but I just can't this year. I am tho gonna go to my son's house for Christmas dinner. I decided to bake the ham and he can take care of the rest.

I know what you mean when you say you don't always feel like talking. There are times I don't feel like it either. Sometimes I get a little anoyed when someone calls me at the times I don't feel like talking. But they don't know.

I also understand when you say the holidays are hard. I felt so lost and alone on Thanksgiving. I hated it and couldn't wait till the day was over. I know I will probably feel that way on Christmas as well. I never thought I would hate the holidays but here I am feeling that way. I can't wait till January and everything is over. It hurts too much to face it.

Take care Silvergirl,

~LouQ

I have been really trying to focus on the happiness and less on the loss . I am leaving my job, because I can't adjust anything there, it's too inflexible. What am I going to do? Don't know yet.

I put up our tree, and it made me feel better. I am going to try and get some cards out, because it might help.

I haven't been feeling like talking lately much, and some days I feel so very terribly alone...but other days..it's ok. not great, but ok.

I'm sorry I haven't been coming in..and sorry I have been missing all of you, when you are here.

I finally put a picture of me, now, on the site, so those of you who talk to me and don't have facebook, have an idea of what I look like anyway. We'll make it through, I think. I have finally learned to reach out and ask for help when I need it, most times. (Want you all to know how much I appreciate you here, and say thank you, for talking and sharing your experiences, for calling me, for taking my calls, when I get the courage to dial a phone!)

These holidays are hard. We just have to do what we need to, and listen to what's in our hearts, instead of other people's heads, about what we should do, sometimes.

Hoping you all have a Merry Christmas, or whichever alternative holiday pleases you. Be good to yourself, and remember..it's ok to feel happy, too. I had a problem with that at first. It made me feel guilty, I guess.

[LouQ]

Val,

That's good you were able to go xmas shopping. I had already got my son presents during the summer. My wife never got to see them. She had been in the hospital during the summer. She did tell me one thing to get my son and I got it. I am glad I got that overwith ahead of time. I do want to pick up one thing for my son's newer girlfriend. He told me to get her a fashion scarf she's been wanting. He sent me a picture of it and I put it on my phone so I can make sure I get the right one. You were talking about chinese. At one time my wife really loved eating chinese. We used to go a lot. The last time we went we went to a different restaurant and we both got sick. This was last year and shortly after that she ended up in the hospital and rehab for 7 months. So when she came home she said she never wanted to eat chinese again. I still love it but I haven't eaten it in a year. If I ever do it won't be the same place we got sick at.

I don't give to the salvation army. Everytime my wife and I asked them for help they never helped us. Some people though really know how to work the system to get what they want. Where I live my wife and I always got angry when we would see people asking for help at various places to get help with their utility bills or for food or whatever and then see that they have been spending money on drugs or alcohol.

Oh I'm sure there are others trying to get through the holidays. I just can't wait till they are over. I don't know how I will feel next year but this year since it's been so close I am hating to see them come. Did I happen to come across to you that I feel that I am the only one here that are having a hard time with the holidays? I did not mean to sound that way at all. I was just saying how I feel.

~Lou

Dear Lou:

Well I tried the xmas shopping yesterday; i basically went to appease and pleasure my mother who is 80 and she wanted to go. it turned out pretty well, i took her out for chinese afterwards (dad hates chinese -he's 83) so he was not with us. It was very hard but i tried to be upbeat, faking it through. i lost it though when i was outside and saw a man in a wheelchair and the bell ringers and the man was giving him money. i too dumped all my change in the salvation army box and wished them a 'merry xmas' the first time i've been able to say that. i did as a dear friend suggested and gave my mother brilliant hugs and kisses when i saw her and told her i loved her. she walked around all day with my kissmark on her forehead. she didn't mind. anyway i am writng this to let you know you are not alone and there are many of us just trying to get through these holidays.

At this point, i hope you no longer feel so new here. you have become one of the family Lou. It is a trying time for all of us, and through, chats, forums and some of us exchange phone calls, we are making it. the world will not come to a screeching halt as we may wish, for our grief. what i am trying to say is that i noticed life going on outside my bubble of pain yesterday and i tried to participate in it. My wish for you is to hold your head upright toward the sky and know you have an angel and the Lord watching over you. He will carry you when you feel you can't do so yourself. He has always been there. My best to you, Val