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The guilt of choosing to end my cats life


widower2

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My cat has always been finicky about eating. She has always been very thin, and had an obsession with water. If I was bathing, brushing my teeth, getting a glass of water, there she would be asking to get a drink with me.

Last week I started to notice that she wasn't looking great. It didn't raise too many eyebrows because she was still doing all of her normal things, hanging out with me, bathing, drinking, messing with our other cat. On Friday I came home and noticed that she was actively different. She was slower to move around, and out right refused to eat. I worried about her, but I went to the store to find all of her favorite foods so I could get her to try to eat something. The only thing she would eat was a few tablespoons of pureed pumpkin and a she would only drink if I let her drink out of the cap of a water bottle.

Saturday she was noticeably bad. She wouldn't eat or drink at all and she started to hide under the bed. I decided to take her to the vet. I was expecting to hear that she had diabetes or cancer. I was expecting to get an astronomical bill, but to get to take my little girl home. She was only 10 years old. I was expecting to have her in my life for the 7-10 years.

The prognosis was grim. She had kidney disease. Her temperature was low. She had kidney stones in both kidneys. Her mucus membranes were completely dried up. Expecting the vet to get to work on saving her, instead he suggested that we put her down. I was in complete shock.

He brought her back to me to spend time with her before he put her to sleep. She was having a hard time moving around, but she was walking, and sniffing. She looked like she wanted to leave. She looked haggared and thin and sick. I petted her, held her. She sat down and started to purr. Then the Dr. came in. She was cradled in my arms. He gave her the first shot and she instantly fell over in my arms. He gave her the second shot and walked out of the room. I was devestated.

The thing I am having the most difficult time dealing with is the feeling that I didn't do enough to save her. She was only 10 years old. Should I have asked him to do everything possible to save her? Did I ask enough questions? If I would have waiting to take her to my normal vet on Monday, would she have had another suggestion?

I have so much guilt now in thinking back to that day. She was still walking. She was still purring. She looked terrible, but I just feel like I could have proded to get the vet to try anything else to help her.

I have another cat who has been near death 4 times now. I can't understand how one cat can bounce back from the brink of death 4 times and the other cat gets sick one time and now she is gone.

Ren was my best friend. We did everything together. She would sit on the edge of the bathtub while I bathed. She would sit and watch me brush my teeth in the morning. She would follow me from room to room. She would sleep on my hip every night. She would stretch up her arms to me as if to say, "I want held mama," and I would pick her up as she stretched her long back legs, and then she would rest in my bosom until she fell asleep. When she heard the door open, she would run out from under the bed to meet me.

I keep hoping I will catch a glimpse of her spirit, or feel her try to rest on my hip again.

I cry myself to sleep every night.

When I get home and she's not there I bawl. My other cat has been great. When he hears me crying he comes to check on my. It's very sweet, but it's not the same.

I can't get over the loss of my best friend.

I need to know I did the right thing, but I just can't get over the guilt of feeling like I didn't do enough to save her life.

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Hi Jenn

I'm right there with you, honey. And it sucks tremendously. My little kitten - only 9 months old - contracted FIP, a rapid, incurable, always fatal disease. There's no difinitive test for FIP except at necropsy, only bloodwork and symptoms that point to it. She had all the signs and symptoms and went rapidly from being a silly, funny, crazy, playful kitten, a voracious eater, to eating only a small amount of baby food, sleeping all the time. Based on her bloodwork, her rapid decline, her age, her histore (she had been in a high-kill shelter as a baby), her vet was certain of the diagnosis. Of course, there was always a chance (though very small) that the vet was wrong, that it was some other thing like an internal abscess or who knows what, but the likelihood of it being anything BUT FIP was very, very slim. There are drugs out there that we could have used to prolong her life for a few weeks, but we talked (and talked and talked) about it and realized that the only reason to do that would be to serve ourselves, to put off that nearly totally debilitating wretched feeling of grief and loss. She was a kitten and she felt lousy. Kittens do not naturally sleep constantly, run a high fever, have no interest in play. Would she want to continue that existence? She doesn't know she had a short life; she knows only that from the moment she came into our house only six months ago that her life has been one of tremendous love and joy and play and toys and terrific food and sleeping in our bed with us - often on my head as she really loved my pillow. She rapidly declined and stopped eating - only four days from diagnosis. Though it was (and continues to be) a most horrible and heartbreaking decision, we chose to have her euthanized last evening. (I told my little Banjo to take jump her little spirit into my purse so she would be sure to come back home with me in the end. I could have sworn I felt her under the covers last night. ) Her life was a very short one, but a beautiful one. She gave us everything. She taught my husband how to love a little kitty (he thought he didn't really like cats); he has grieved as much as I. she taught us a lot of wonderful things about each other and brought us closer. She was much loved and is very missed and grieved. She and you and I and your cat are so fortunate to have had each other, and they are so fortunate to have guardians who have the strength to make the right decisions and do what is best for them in the end. There is no need ever for a beloved pet to suffer. Guilt, regret, doubt, they all come along as a natural course, but you and I made the right decisions for our babies. I, like you, am feeling amazing, wretched, unconsolable grief - and remorse and guilt and regret and doubt. You're not alone in this, and I know exactly how miserably awful it is. I wish you the very best. You did good.

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BanjoBaby. Thank you so much for your words and story. I have searched the internet high and low, and bought so many books to help me cope with my loss. I'll I could find was stories of people whose cats died at an old age. I almost envied them for having to spend so much more time with their pets than I was given with my Ren.

You have no idea how much your kind words have helped me on yet another miserable day of guilt and tears. I liked your idea of telling your cats spirit to jump in your purse with you to come home. Everyday I call out my cats name hoping that her spirit will hear me and she will once again come home. Thank you again.

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JenBee - I too was helped by writing those words to you. It's just awful, I know. Thanks for listening to me. Here's a recent pic of my little darling .post-305402-0-87226600-1353539000_thumb.

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OH MY GOSH!! What a beauty!! Here is a picture of my sweet, departed angel, Ren. The sweetest Egyptian Mau I have ever met. I don't even think she knew she had claws and teeth. :)

post-305401-0-94313400-1353700511_thumb.

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I thank all of you for sharing your stories. I had to make the dreaded decision for my Shephard, February 10, 2013 and I feel unconsolable. He picked me at the shelter and I will never forget that day. He was between 6&7 years old when I got him. He was my Super Snoot from the start. I miss him so much. He survived a spleen surgery, bloat surgery and a stroke in the 8 years I had him. I have no regrets for doing any of the surgeries or the prepared food, swim therapy or cleaning up the messes in his old age! He played hard in life too...loved those frisbies and balls! When he was nearing 13 he still liked to swim and play fetch in the water. He lived life to the fullest! He loved to the fullest too! God I miss him soooo much :( So it feels like someone punched me in the gut. I thought I was prepared for this day....ya right! NEVER! But alas even though I know his quality of life stunk at that moment as I made that decision...I still feel incredible guilt also. Did I do enough? I don't even know where to begin in the healing process. Sorry but this SUCKS! Logically I know I did everything I could for him in his old age but not sure what to do with the guilt, sadness and the silence in a house that was filled with his love. I would love to go out and get another dog but I know that's not the answer. It wouldn't be fair to the new dog. I really just want my dog back with his younger body :( HELP!

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Drinking too much water and over-grooming are some of the first signs of kidney failure. I had to have my own cat Sophie put down last Friday. It is a terrible choice to make. Have them suffering for another week or two, or put them out of their misery. Like you, I cry most nights and mornings, although it's still early days for me. I had her 11 1/2 years. She was a rescue cat who replaced my other cat Charlie's only remaining kitten, who died in a road accident when she was just 6 months old.

 

Here's a photo of my Sophie (it's really tough even looking at it for me now)... She's the younger black and white tuxedo cat in my photo.

post-392609-0-43419600-1395923807_thumb.

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I just went through this with my 5 year old tabby 10 days ago.  I understand how my logical mind is ok with the decision to euthinize Holly buy I still have a knot in my stomach knowing I decided to do it.  I petted her on her back and and scratched her chest as the doctor was preparing to administer the IV.  I feel bad that she had to go in the hospital instead of at home in her comfortable environment even though she was comfortable when we put her down.  I have fought feelings of guilt ever since.  My sadness comes like waves.  I'll see a commercial or video on tv, or online or here and ad on the radio and get that pain in my stomach feeling.  The ads and videos are so sweet and I wish I could enjoy them but it's been too recent and I change the channel.  Even these beautiful pictures of the cats and pets on this site are a little too much right now.  I'm glad to be talking with people who understand what I'm experiencing.  thanks for you entry.

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nammi_nammi

Thoughts and prayers are with you mhood.  I'm the same way when it comes to ads on the TV or elsewhere, and I can't look at photos of my cats.  I have some on facebook and just can't go to my photo albums.  I lost my 10 to a fire in December.  To just be watching some TV and then a Petsmart ad or something comes on - it's just too much.  I'm getting a little better - I can get a bit closer to the pet food aisle at Wal-Mart without breaking down and having to hide.  I spent so much time there every Saturday choosing cans for the week and buying the weekly large bags of Purina Cat Chow and litter...  Now I have no reason to be there, and it hurts.  Take care and allow the tears to come.  They are truly healing tears. 

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Yes, you did the right thing. If you had waited, she might have suffered. I just went through something similar with my own Daisy. You made the best decision you could because you do love her. When I was young, we held on to a cat that was sick because we didn't want to make that decision. We always felt guilty because we let her suffer too long.

I was reading the stages of grief because I have been going through a lot of guilt and pain for the recent death of my cat Daisy. Reading helped me understand what I am going through is a normal part of the healing process. You are going to heal. Please believe that.

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