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and they handed me my life in a box


val

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As i sit here writing this the tears stream from my eyes. I have next to me, right next to me, what remains of my Jerry in a little box. He was cremated. He diied July 5 2012. My life will never be the same again. My grief is constant. I try to go to work everyday and function. i try to smile, but i rarely can. some days it feels like the fog is lifting, other days are i simply 'am there'. my crying comes at inappropriate times and i am always wiping tears from my eyes. no one should ever have to know this hell. i am so lonely, so apart, so separated and so lost. will this ever end?

the world continues around me,the work demands even increase, yet i am numb to participate. i thought for a little while i was 'healing ', whatever that looks like, but in the last week,, i've taken five steps backwards. i am merely existing, i breathe, i have a pulse, my heart was ripped out when he died. i need him for love, cuddlling, kisses, advice, sharing, playing, i need him for everything. and he is not here. but i am , and i don't know if i want to be anymore. i am afraid i am having a mental breakdown. val

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Val, these feelings are harsh and unforgiving. The people here care for you and understand the feelings you are having. We offer what we can through our experiences and sometimes its just not enough. I wish I had more to offer, but I can only tell you that I care. I will listen; I would give you a hug if I could. Some of what you seek is found through your family and friends you have close to you. I have no doubt they love you and want to help. As you have told me many times you can’t turn away from a helping hand sometimes you have to reach out and take the love and kindness offered. It is there and hard to take sometimes but when we hit that feeling that we can’t go on we need to take that helping hand and cherish the person offering it. I will pray for you that you find some comfort.

Mike

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Dear Val,

I have found grief to be a lonely journey. I make progress, then I go backwards. That's the way it has been. As it goes on, the steps backwards come less often, but they still come. I sometimes think most of me died with John. I don't think you're having a breakdown. You know what to do if you think you are in trouble. I believe what you're experiencing is grief. It breaks all the rules we are conditioned to expect.

Know that you are in my thoughts.

Sincerely,

Mandala

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