Grandfather's gone

[kelbell23]

My grandfather died Nov 4th 2012, so a little less than 2 weeks ago.

I live about 5 hours away from most of my dad's side of the family (they all live in the same town). before halloween my dad called to tell me that papa was having his leg removed at the knee. Apparently he had gangrene of his toes (he's had diabetes for 40 years and was on insulin). He'd taken immaculate care of himself ever since I've been alive and the diabetes had never been a real problem before. I told him to keep me updated, but I wasn't worried. Papa had had 3 heart attacks, two open heart surgeries, a double bypass, a stroke, all in the last 10 years or so, and he'd always immediately bounced back. Other than those incidents he never got sick, he walked 1-3 miles a day, he was for lack of a better term, a total badass it was a running joke that he was too stubborn to die.

November 2nd, I got calls and txts from my family members saying if I was able to come down, that I needed to, it didn't look good. I was in the middle of a job change, so I had literally 100 bucks to my name with bills due that week, my bf and I just bought a house, and I was due to be a vendor at an event that week selling crafty stuff I do on the side. Unbeknownst to me as i'm scrambling around trying desperately to get plans in place, call in to my new job (which I was supposed to start the next day), pack, etc, papa was in a coma at the hospital. No one told me how serious it was at the time, I just knew he was in the hospital and it didnt look like the amputation was doing well.

On my way there, of course, I got a flat. I limped my way back to my house, beyond frustrated and feeling rather helpless. When my amazing cousin offered to drive 5 hours to get me, and 5 hours back. In retrospect, that was nice, because we got to talk and she filled me in on how things were going, and we got to laugh and distract each other. She told me that he had been taken off all his machines, and people were fully expecting him to die.... but then he woke up all by himself! He wanted to go home, so they made the decision to bring him home that night.

A little background, my grandfather was the absolute patriarch of our family. Theres about 25 family members in that town. He was always the first to offer to help anyone who needed it, he took care of all of us at some time or another. He was active in the community, on the school board, all that kind of stuff. everyone loved him.

When I got there, my aunt met me in the driveway and warned us that he had been out of it all day and wasn't recognizing anyone or where he was. They had him on morphine, so at least he was comfy. But after she said that, my other cousin came running out of the house and said "Hey he saw you through the window and told me I needed to bring you inside so he could say hi!"

Him recognizing me (me being the only one of his grandkids who lives far away from everyone) is something that meant so much to me. I went in and he was set up in his little hospital bed by the window in his "man cave" room. about 15 family members were milling around, making food for my grandmother, helping with the great grandkids, etc. It was so bizarre to see him in bed looking sick. He'd never looked sick even when he WAS sick. I hugged him and he told me he loved me. That freaked me out a little bit. Papa of course loved all of us very much, but he was also a very southern hard-ass, and wasn't much for actually saying it out loud. the fact that that was the first thing out of his mouth scared me.

We all sat around that night and kept him company until about 11 when I left with my OTHER cousin (just call it cousin #3) and his wife, where i'd be staying.

The next day, we got a txt around 11 saying we needed to come over asap, they thought he wouldn't last much longer. Everyone was hoping he'd stick around long enough for my uncle to come home. My uncle had been in saudi arabia for work, and was trying like hell to come home, but he wouldnt be in till that evening. Papa was unconscious again, but all the family was there so we did our best to take care of each other and tell funny stories about papa. My brother was there, and we have never gotten along, and hadn't really spoken in probably 2 years. I guess in light of the events, he decided it was time to heal the breach and asked me to come have dinner real quick with him and my SIL. I can't stress how big of a deal that is that he even offered, I couldn't say no.

I told my cousins i'd be back soon and to txt me if anything changed, we'd be just down the road after all. it was about 5pm.

20 minutes later my cousin calls me in hysterics, I can't even understand her. I ran over there but he'd already died.

Apparently after I left, my uncle showed up finally. He had his moment with papa, and no long after, he stopped breathing. That's the other little miracle in my mind. He hung on until his youngest son got to say goodbye.

We had to stay with him until whoever it is that comes to declare time of death came (which i'm pretty sure was like 2 hours), then the police came (I dont know what they did, I was outside bawling on the phone with my mother, then my bf the whole time they were there), then I had to help carry papa out to the hearse/van type thing because my uncle couldn't do it, he started throwing up instead. It was rough, the little kids were crying, we were crying. all in all 3 people were physically sick that night, and about an hour after I got back to my apartment a few days later, once I'd had time to sit by myself, -I- got sick. I wasn't expecting that..

The fact that I wasn't there for it bothers me. Sometimes i'm relieved, because seeing him actually die would have haunted me. But I also feel tremendously guilty that I wasn't there. But then I feel defensive that I wasnt there because my brother who I have a bad relationship with was trying to patch things up with me. I feel guilty that seeing his dead body scared the **** out of me, like thats a childish reaction, but it didn't feel like papa anymore, yknow. over and over like that.

I tried like hell to be there as long as I could. But he died on sunday, and they wouldn't have the funeral till saturday. I'd already pushed back my start date for work an entire week, I couldn't do it again. So I missed his funeral too. Before I left, my grammy gave me some things of papas, and some family heirlooms she'd saved for me, and a photo of me and papa when I was a toddler that I keep on my nightstand now.

Now that i'm back at my home, I dont have the big family for support as much. My bf is awesome, but i'm having progressively worse days. (TMI, men look away!: my period showed up super early, i'm guessing cause of stress), Not sleeping well, weird dreams about papa, getting emotional over stupid little things. Today I bawled uncontrollably after my bf said he didn't like a video game that Iike. I've barely left the house since I got back, except to go to work. I feel like i'm trying to be OVERLY cheerful to compensate, and I can't keep it up, so any chink at all in that (like someone saying they dont like a video game) makes it all crash down.

it sucks. I miss him.

[ModKonnie]

Kelbell23,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your grandfather. I know it's difficult now to get through the pain and guilt, but things will get better. You couldn't help you weren't there, but he knew how much you loved him, and that's the most important part of it all. He knew how much you cared.

There are many people here who have experienced the loss of their beloved grandparents. They will be able to offer you support and encouragement.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[MeNMyGrandmaD]

Thank you for sharing that heartwarming picture - what a wonderful photo to treasure! Your loss is so fresh and I am truly sorry for what a harrowing experience you've been through. You certainly do not have to apologize for the emotions you're feeling. Sharing your story may help you work through your feelings and make it feel more real for you - I'm sure it's still rather a shock and somewhat surreal for you. My grandmother died this summer and I felt in a stupor for a full month afterward. Please give yourself permission to grieve, especially with people you trust and who love you and understand. Find a safe place to fall apart, and as my grandma liked to say, "Be good to yourself first." I know that the holidays are likely to be difficult as we try to get used to the idea of being without our loved ones. Wishing you comfort and a growing sense of peace this holiday season. Love and hugs from the (broken) Heartland.