Pain and Rage-A very Dark day

[Silvergirl61]

If you are feeling bad, you might not want to read this. You might not want to read it anyway. I just needed to say it, and there's nobody to talk to right now, sorry to bring anyone down if you do read it.

My husband was a patient for many years at the Omaha VA hospital. He had PTSD,he smoked, and he had a problem with alcohol, that had existed since his Navy days, a really bad family history of heart problems, had already had one stent placement, one repair, and was still having problems. Oh, and by the way, we are poor. No money, just check to check, since he lost his job in 2004, for "missing too many days" while he was hospitalized. Just so you get a picture., he was also a high school dropout, but had his ged. The VA looked at all the above, and they threw him away. They just flat threw him away.At one point, while he was a patient there, he ended up having a break with reality, and ended up spending nearly a month inpatient at the facility. He had tried to commit suicide, and when I jumped on him and knocked the gun away from him, tried to strangle me. Not his fault.. I had been trying to get his doctors to listen and so had he, to how bad he felt, how depressed he was, and they let that go , too.They focused on his housing situation, and told him to file for benefits..then sent records that didn't support what he said..and so it went, until he finally died. One part working against another, all the time. He wouldn't stay in outpatient treatment for alcohol abuse, because they INSISTED he go to AA as part of it, although he told them how opposed and offended he was by the constant "higher power" references and preaching, that only made him angry and want to drink more. He tols them there was no god, and if there was that he hated him. (That changed, but at the time, religion was part of the things that had hurt him..and he tried to explain how it was. They flat told him to go or that he would be kicked out. The counselor actually told him everyone needed a higher power to get through life. AT that point, I knew it was hopeless ffor him to get help there, and wasn't surprised to find out that he hadn't been gouing to the meetings for the last six weeks, I drove him up there. He faked it, to not worry me, and stoppped drinking, for awhile) I understand- why couldn't they? Too late, now.

I finally got his records, after days of runaround and phone tag. When I looked at them, I found out just how litle they cared. Part of the records in the file weren't his. The conditions of the other guy with the same name, weren't even close to the same, nor was the history. They are trying to tell me it didn't matter, but these are the records they sent out to disability, and since they didn't have the correct information, I bet it made a diffference, because there wasn't eveidence to support his claim, was there? They actually can't see where they did anything wrong. Their chief of medicine, and the head of their mental health team looked right at those records on Friday, and still did not see anything wrong, until I pointed out they couldn't be Dennis records, wrong birthdate, years older, etc. One of them looked ashamed, the other looked right at me and said it made no difference. They also had a business office guy there to explain t me why they won't cover any of the costs, and how the VA is protected from even being sued when they do this kind of thing..which I already knew, BTW.( All I can do is ask for a senator to look into it, which won't get me any help, but it will piss them off- they have several investigations going now..business as usual- cover it up, and go on to the next investigation, cover it up, etc.) They are rude, and arrogant, and don't even have the grace to apologize for what they did, or even say they are sorry he died. They found the blockage in his legs, causing the problems he had walking and the incredible pain he was in TWO YEARS AGO- and they DID NOT TREAT IT. It was caused by scar tissue from the stent procedures, could have been fixed with placing another stent or maybe two..and who knows? maybe he wouldn't have died. Can't say for sure...but he sure as hell would not have suffered like that for the two years he had left after they found it. The answer to the Question of why did you not treat a condition you knew was dangerous and that you knew was painful, was "Did he Smoke?"...and at that point I admit, I lost it. I told them that even if I could never prove it, I now knew they had deliberately withheld treatment, and let this happen, and That I no longer cared if they ever paid bills or ever talked to me again. The Idiot from the office had the stupidity to say to me..."if this is about money"....and I let them all know, in no uncertain terms, that this was about them destroying families, and hurting people, and letting Vets die with their careless disregard of standard medical procedures, their stupid and arrogant moral judgemetns about peoples religious beliefs, and their utter lack of concern or compassion for their patients or the families. That I thought they should be ashamed, and that I would be willing to bet none of their family members would ever be treated at their facility.

I also told them if I had had a better job, with better insurance, or more money, that I was pretty sure Dennis would be right here, right now. I asked them how they could look in a mirror, or sleep at night, then I walked out. Not pretty, not smart, and know what? I don't care.

They called me again today, to refer me right back to where this nightmare started, at their business office. No lawyer will help me. I am poor. I am not poor enough to qualify for assistance through any charity i have found. I am going to have to file bankruptcy to keep from being hounded to death for the rest of my life. It's our government in action...not.

Please thank a veteran for their service. If you see some of the homeless, broken, wandering ones out there, try to understand, and try not to stereotype them. You don't know what thye have suffered, you have no idea what they have seen or been through. The trauma I have been through has shattered me, and I have no hope any more. No hope no future, no idea what to do anymore.

Every day is another nightmare, another bill, another slap from another hand, and I can see it all just slipping away......

ANd no matter what they think.. they don't have enough money to bring back the Dennis that was real, the one who lovd me, who was here, and funny, and understanding. WHo cooked dinner for me when I worked all day, who laughed at my jokes, who calmed me down if I was angry, who soothed me when I was hurt, who held me when I cried, who always told me to sleep on it, he'd be here to hold me, to help me figure it out, and that as long as we had each other, nothing else mattered. He was poetical, romantic, musical, and he wasn't a list of faults. He was a beautiful human being, who had some problems, but he was working on thm..and they don't care about all that. Maybe I'm the only one who does...but he was mine..and I loved him.

Now nothing matters any more. Every day is pain, every night a living hell. I don't know what to do, I can't find my way anymore. I can't afford doctors, and pills, and therapy, I can't even afford the rent, or gas for my car to try and go back to my job..

I know there are people who care about me, and I still care enough I can't hurt them, like I hurt.Why they still love me, I can't even imagine.I make no sense, I am a fai;ure at every thing I ever tried to do, I am just broken and lost. Sometimes, I keep repeating, you promised him, you promised him,,just to shut out the other ideas that come to haunt me. I really think I'm losing my mind from the pain and the fear.

Maybe an hour from now I'll be ok again for awhile. Maybe a friend will call, or something will make me think of another step to take, another place, another time, another way to cope..

This is how it goes. This is how it feels, right now..and I'm sorry to dump this here, but it has to come out, or I will crack..that's how it is for me..and it's lonely and scary here on the edge.

Above all, Dennis, I miss you, I don't know how to let go...and I still love you. I so wish you were here.

[stargazer5510]

I know I'm not the only one who can relate to everything you're saying. Our government lets vets and their families down every day. I do hope one thing you will do is contact every government official who represents you -- from your mayor to the President and everyone in between. Ask for their help.

I had a benefits fight a long time ago that lasted 4 years. Somewhere in the process, my dad suggested contacting my US congresswoman's office which I did. She made inquiries and things started to happen. I know not every elected representative is that responsive, but it's worth a shot. If they are inclined to improve things for vets, letters like yours give them the backing they need to stand up for what's right.

I listened to an enlightened conversation this morning about politics and religion. Moral judgments have no place in our healthcare system or our government. We are all imperfect and some too sensitive for the hell that life throws at them. You had a poet; I had an artist.

Thank you for sharing. My husband and father were both veterans. They have both passed, but I sent them love and gratitude on Veterans Day.

Dennis was so lucky to have you.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[stargazer5510]

When you're ready and if you choose to contact your representatives, I'd be happy to help you find out who they are and how to contact them.

XO,

CJ

[Silvergirl61]

I contacted one of our senators offices, and they sent a letter already, to the VA, asking for information on the case, and they may get some answers I would otherwise not get. I'll wait and see what happens, I guess. At least I got my message to them. Only time will tell whether they pay any attention to it, or not.

It doesn't matter what they say now, not for me, and not for Dennis. But maybe it will matter for someone else. Best I can hope for.

[Tarrant]

Hi

I maybe know what can help you. I have a cousin with similar issue, did not know what was wrong with her.

One day she read book Mrs. Wanda Pratnicka 'Possessed by Ghosts' and Mrs Wanda helped her.

If no meds can help you, maybe it isn t something that can be cured by conventional methods.

Try to find Mrs Pratnicka by google.