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my day - all the plants have died - a bad day of shopping


aellenlc

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Well it's been a little over two months since my husband was diagnosed with cancer and passed away and I just realized that I have not been watering the plants. They are not doing well and nothing I am doing seems to help. I was always so proud when I was able to keep a plant alive because I had a "black" thumb when it came to them. My husband would always groan when I brought a new plant home, he would try to get me to buy fake plants, but I explained that that would be bad feng shui Feng shui, now that's another story. For the last four years I was able to keep them alive (well most of them) and my husband was so proud of me. He would brag to his friends about my "green" thumb. Now they have become a part of the mulch pile. Anyway, I hope I keep remembering to feed the kids and pets! I don't want to add them to the mulch pile.

Earlier today I was shopping for an outfit to wear to my husbands celebration of life and the song, "Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven" came on over the loudspeakers. I started walking around in circles with a hand full of clothes trying to figure out were I could put them so I could escape the store and the song. It was to late, I tried doing math in my head, biting my tongue, holding my breath, but nothing worked. So there I was in the middle of the store bawling my eyes out. I walked to the end of an isle and hid behind some clothes only to have a sales clerk come to my rescue. I tried to explain that I was fine, just broke a nail, really nothing big. She left me alone. After a few minutes of getting myself composed, I bought the outfit I was holding during the song because I figured that was the one my husband was telling me to get. The sales clerk offered me a Coke, because she said, "Coke cures everything". I replied I wish I would have known that two months ago!

That was my day today, how was yours?

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hello , my name is val. I can totally relate to the plant thing. My husband Jerry died July 5 2012 -four months now... he had a beautiful garden outside. i brought the pothos in the house so they wouldn't die but the petunias eventually did. he had a green thumb and fertilized everything over and over. he'd planted canna lillies, that i dug the bulbs up for yesterday. the physical exertion was a release but it was emotionally painful too. yet now i have the bulbs to plant in the spring in honor of him. he was such a dear man ; i miss him so. As to your shopping experience and the music, yes I remember trying to pick out what to wear to Jerry's celebration of life we had in August. I ended up just wearing an outfit he loved out of the closet of things that i have. Music: i'm sitting here right now listening to TRAIN calling all angels and crying. Music really hits my heart these days, and although i listen to some sad stuff, the crying that goes with it is a kind of catharsis for me. So don't hide those tears , they need to come out. Keep journaling/posting here as there are many supportive people at this site. With prayers and hugs, Val

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I have had too many experiences shopping and finding myself very confused and no way of knowing why I am looking at scented candles, women’s t-shirts, Things I would have normally picked up for Mary. Then I start crying. I have had someone in the store that works there ready to call for help. I just had to get out of there very quickly. It has been many months since that happened but it certainly keeps me from going to the store during normal hours. I believe that lack of sleep also played a part of my confusion and why I didn’t remember getting to a certain department. I will pray your days get better. Thinking of you!

Mike

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aww....your shopping experience brought tears to my eyes. That would have had me crying my eyes out too. It's amazing how quickly I can burst into tears now. I cry everyday. I cry at work, I cry in my car, I cry all the time. I've also let everything in my house go to crap. Doing the smallest chores feels like such a huge undertaking. I have the day off from work today and there's tons of stuff for me to do and yet I'm still sitting here in my pajamas.

I think crying is good and maybe that song was a message from your husband.

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Guest KackleDackle

You made me laugh and cry at the same time. The cure for all is Coke. That is funny..but I understand that signs or coincidences are important. Go with it and I am sure you have made all the right decisions. Thanks for sharing this as I am sure we all have moments like this and think "am I normal" and yes we all are. Take Care

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Hello aellenic!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to the plant thing. I was the Angel of Death to plants up until this year when I decided to plant a garden. And it's actually growing. I was so spaced out for many years. Grief is a great distraction. I did remember to feed the cat, but I found myself walking into boiler rooms, broom closets, and once even the morgue, when I went out. I went to places I didn't know existed - I'll spare you the details.

Hang in There,

Mandala

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My huband was killed in an ATV accident on july 27th. I looked at some posts and saw that many said how long it had been. I know the date, but not how long ago it was. I could figure it out, but I really dont want to know. Time seems to have just kept passing, but not with me in tow. I am so numb. I wish I could cry, or scream, or anything. What I do is function at work, smile and laugh in all the right places, come home and shut down. I dont even know what I think about. I dont think about anything. The brain shuts off till the alarm goes off and I do it all over agian. I feel so empty. My husband loved me more than anything or anyone, and I am terrified I will never feel my grief and He will never be grieved as he deserves to be greived.

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Katieb,

I understand how time can seem warped in these circumstances. I feel like it has been years since my husband passed away, and like you, I have recently just shut down. I go through the motions and am there for the kids, but I feel like I am walking through a thick fog all the time. People say I seem much better, but I know I have no other choice but to go on. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone must deal with the loss in their own way. I hope that you have a support system to lean on and I hope you find as much support on this site as I have.

Andrea

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I don't want to go shopping, not even to get groceries. I can't seem to make myself go out in public. My family comes and spends time with me (I'm sure they are worried ) but I just want to be alone. I am so sad I feel like I'm sort of paralyzed.

When do you start to feel like you can do something other than lay around and cry? Yesterday makes three weeks since his death and I still feel like he is just out somewhere and I'm waiting for him to come back home. The holidays are coming up and he loved Thanksgiving. We were together for 30 years and he was so wonderful to me. I didn't appreciate him enough and the guilt is so overwhelming.

I feel like I lost a part of myself.

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I don't want to go shopping, not even to get groceries. I can't seem to make myself go out in public. My family comes and spends time with me (I'm sure they are worried ) but I just want to be alone. I am so sad I feel like I'm sort of paralyzed.

When do you start to feel like you can do something other than lay around and cry? Yesterday makes three weeks since his death and I still feel like he is just out somewhere and I'm waiting for him to come back home. The holidays are coming up and he loved Thanksgiving. We were together for 30 years and he was so wonderful to me. I didn't appreciate him enough and the guilt is so overwhelming.

I feel like I lost a part of myself.

Lost26,

Everyone is different, and you are the only one that can answer the question that is in your heart. I stayed in bed for about 3 weeks, and then my niece flew me out to Los Vegas to visit with her and her family. I stayed in her house for a week. They offered to take me anywhere in Vegas I didn’t feel like it. It is uncontrollable feelings and fear of loosing my composure in public. I do when I am driving and it is dangerous. I sometimes have to pull over because I can’t see. I want control back but it has been over six months now and not as often but still happens.

Mike

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Mike,

I know what you mean about crying to the point of it being dangerous when driving. This happened quite often when I was by myself when he was alive. He was too sick to go so I went by myself to pick up things and even though he was at home waiting for me I knew this day would come and I cried about it then. I would come home with red swollen eyes and he would get upset that I cried. I tried not to cry in front of him because he didn't like that.

Everything reminds me of Russ. We went grocery shopping together, to Lowes (he always liked to do projects around the house) Walmart, and of course Walgreens where we got his medication refills. I can't even walk to the top of our hill to the mailbox without breaking down. I still see him shoveling snow off our driveway, on the mower during the summer, planting trees and it goes on and on.... Everywhere I look I remember what we talked about at those times (loved his voice), things we bought, plans we made.....It's overwhelming.

It's a continuation of the hell we were both living in two years ago after the cancer diagnosis only now I'm living it alone. As awful as the cancer was at least I felt like we were fighting it together and we had each other. I suppose it will be a terrible life for me for a long time. People say it gets easier as time goes by but as of right now it seems to get harder.

I know I have to leave the house but I'm afraid of uncontrollable crying or running into someone and having to deal with the condolences all over again.

My mom has lymphoma and it's not looking real good for her so I suppose there will be another death to deal with although I can't imagine anything worse than this other than maybe the death of a child. Thank God that hasn't happened to me.

I probably sound like a big cry baby. Sorry......

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Lost26,

Please don’t ever appoligize for the grieving you have. I know exactly what you have been through. Before Mary died March 24th My Mom Died while I was 500 miles away taking care of Mary in the Hospital. Mary helped me get through by calling the Priest to come to her Room and pray with us. He also said a Mass for my Mom. Then she saw the pain I was in and from her Hospital bed she called a physiatrist and made me an appointment. Then just a few weeks later the Dr called me and told me to make sure I was in Mary’s Hospital room he needed to talk to us. He told us the Chemo stopped working this was the end of April. He told us she needed to go on Hospice and My wife looked at him and said she wanted to go to Sioux Falls, SD that is where we are both from. The Dr. took me out in the hallway and said he was going to rebuild her blood levels and he would help us make the Sioux falls trip happen. He told me if I didn’t get her there in two weeks she would not be strong enough to make the trip. I was sobbing, I didn’t know what or how to do it. Mary was the strong one she, with a big smile on her face told me we would be fine. I got her back to Sioux Falls and within three days she went into the Hospital there. I did not leave her side that was the 6th of May. I stayed in the Hospital and never left she Died on the 16th of May. These were the hardest days of my entire life. I held her when she died she looked so scared. This is burnt into my memory forever. I love her more and more each day!!!

Mike

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Lost26,

You do not sound like a cry baby. You sound like someone who has suffered a terrible loss and is trying to get through it.

I wish my husband would have lasted longer, but I also know that during the little time he did have it was like living with a time bomb. I cried all the time, but never in front of him or the kids (but I am sure they saw the red, swollen eyes and could figure it out). When I went on a job interview after we first found out he had cancer, I broke down during the interview when they asked why we were closing the business. I was a hollow shell the first week after it happened and I did not think I would make it through. He was my anchor and now I feel adrift in an endless sea of pain and sorrow, but I know I have to go on for my boys.

I hope you continue to visit the site and it helps you feel a little better.

Andrea

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Mike,

Your Mary was sort of like my Russ. It's amazing how she was thinking of you and what you needed and here she was the one in the hospital. It sounds like she loved you very much. My Russ always thought of me. He would come home from work (with stage 4 cancer, feeling like crap) with soda or my favorite snacks he stopped to get me. At the hospital he would have the nurses wait on me and get me drinks and things. He always put me first even when he was sick.

He was strong and had such a positive attitude and he told me everything would be fine. He worked in a factory up until the last month and a half before his death. He was not going to give up. He didn't know he was going to die. Of course he knew he had stage IV prostate cancer but he declined so fast that by the time it had spread to his liver his mental status was so bad from liver failure and he was so confused that we felt it was better not to tell him. I'm glad he didn't know because he was such a fighter and always thought he would live to retire I think it would have crushed him.

We went to a hospice facility from the hospital and he died two days later. My son and I were at his side holding his hands and kissing him. I know what you mean by having the image burnt into your memory. I think he drifted off into a coma the last two hours. His last breath....awful...... I feel like I should've done more for him while he was laying there. I keep going over those last hours and asking myself what was he feeling, was he in pain, could he hear us, was he afraid, did he know I was there with him, did he know he was dying, did he know how much I love him, did I tell him enough......

I wish I could just hear from him one more time. I wish God would let him speak to me and tell me he is alright. I'm pretty sure he is but I need to hear it from him and I know that is impossible.

Thanks for sharing. I think it was so great that we were there with them when they died. It's hard on us but we can have comfort knowing we were there.

Andrea,

Thank you for your kind words. It sounds like you have at it rough too. I hate cancer!! I can't believe there isn't a cure by now. It's good you have your boys who need you. My son is 27 and I think he still needs me but he has his own life.......I hate it that he doesn't have his dad any more. I hate it that his dad will never see his future grandchildren. I get so mad that such wonderful people are taken too young and evil people roam the earth and live to be old. It's so unfair. I struggle with that.

I need to stop being so negative and I'm working on it.

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Dear Lost26 - it sounds like your Russ was a wonderful man. Working in a factory, or a steel fabrication plant , is what my Jerry did until he got laid off. Then he worked in the mental health field. It is four months since Jerry's death and i still find myself with uncontrollable crying in all the wrong places. That's probably not what you want to hear. Be thankful you have family around you. I too was in shock when Jerrry first died. i think i slept for as much time as i could. I stayed at my parents. Then I came back to our home and also thought he'd be walking in the door any minute. What we are going through is the hardest thing anyone could go through. Cancer is ugly. And yes, you'd think they'd have a cure for it by now. My brother also has nonhodgkins lymphoma. so our family struggles with that.

This is an excellent website for support, comfort, acknowledgment of the grief process. There are many people here who can provide words of wisdom and comfort to you. God Bless You in your journey. You will be in my prayers, Val

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I can relate to the shopping thing. When I went to buy a pair of pants for my husband's celebration of life..and realized that I had to buy a smaller size, I started to cry, because the first thought I had was..he'll never know.......

It's nearly three months now. Some days, I can make it almost all day, with only happy memories, and only a few tears. Some days..it isn't so good. I went to stay overnight at my sister's place, and I felt fine, until I walked in the door here at home..and the house was silent and felt empty...then instantly tears came. My poor daughter! I don't know how to help her, when I can't even help myself, sometimes. She is only 22, and I know she hurts, but she won't admit it to me...because she is trying so hard to support me, and be my dependable solid one. I want to just sit down with her, and ask her to tell me how she feels, but she doesn't want to talk about things with me, unless it relates to how I feel. I do know she is bowing out of all the family holiday plans...and I worry about her a lot these days. I try to encourage her to go see friends, or go stay with some of the cousins she's close to, while I'm at my sister's..just so she gets a break from me.

Losses like we have suffered leave lasting scars. My Dennis survived 42 hours..in a coma, and on a respirator. I talked to him, held his hand, and talked to him..and that is all burned in my mind forever....but they tell me , in time, the good memories will be stronger, and help allieviate the pain.

Sometimes, it still feels so unreal, like it couldn't have possibly happened...we were just laughing, a minute ago.- but it's been almost three months. At times, I get angry with myself, because I can't do better, or because I feel like I should have done more...but they tell me that this , too is normal, and everyone works through all this at a different pace, the one that is right for them.

My daughter and Dennis have only grown really close, over the last couple of years. They has a stormy relationship, for awhile, because my divorce from her dad was anything but amicable, and she resented a stepfather in the picture at first. She lived mostly with her dad for the first few years we were married, and it colored the relationship.( My ex is very vocal about his hatreds).

So she has all the missed years to bother her, too., as well as the fact that her father refuses to speak to her, because she dared to care about her stepfather, and tossed her out of his home and life, something that shocked and hurt her deeply, considering that she has always defended him and been there for him, unlike most of the rest of his friends and family, who disagree with his behaviours and attitudes. In my opinion she is better off without his influence and his presence...but that is not how she feels about it..she loves him and it has hurt her deeply. I try to offer her comfort, but in that department, it can't help...and I can't help how I feel about him, either. He has not changed for the better, in all the years between, and it's his loss- he's a fool, and an unfeeling one, as well. That's all I am going to say about that situation. It's just tragic for my poor girl to have to feel this pain, in a double dose. Sh e is a very strong and beautiful person, but I have to figure out how to help her, too. I know she feels this deeply, even if she tries to hide it. The saddest thing is, Dennis would have known exactly what to do, because he was that kind of man. He was one of the best listeners, and a very sensitive and caring man, who loved us all very much. My older daughter misses him terribly, but keeps herself too busy too think about it much. We are going to try to have a holiday dinner next weekend....even though none of us is festive. Maybe it will help us all. I hope it will. It's still like stumbling through the darkness, one day after the other. I hope it will get easier, sometime, for all of us who are facing these situations.

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Silvergirl61,

Dennis sounds like he was a great man and I am sorry for your loss. I hope your daughter will open up to you soon as I know how hard it is to watch your child suffer alone. My boys will not talk with me about their Dad either, but I hope that will change soon. I too feel that they are trying to be strong for me and do not want to add to my pain. I am going to see a counselor in hopes of getting some advice on how to handle my boys. It breaks my heart to think of them suffering in silence.

Andrea

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Thanks Val,

I hate it that you and the others are dealing with the same issues as me but at the same time it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I just got back from Kroger. I had to go to one at a completely different area than Russ and I went to. It's an hour away from my house. My son lives in that area so my brother took me to my son's house and we went from there. I kept thinking about the kind of food Russ liked and that bothered me. I already did some crying at my son's house before we went to the store so maybe that's why I didn't cry in the store. I don't know....

I find myself in a hurry to get back home. I don't know why....I don't know if I feel more comfortable around things that belonged to Russ (our home and belongings) or if I'm just uncomfortable being somewhere else. I was in a hurry to get back home but as soon as I walked in, the crying started. Right now I don't feel too bad. I'm laying on Russ' side of the bed with his picture and remains on the desk right beside me. It's weird how I can seem to cope one minute then the next I'm crying like crazy.

I miss him so much. He was so good to me.

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Dear Lost 26 - I can understand your trip to Kroger. I avoid the aisles i would've bought Jerry's favorites in, or I cry when I see the Ensure he lived on while waiting those four months for his dentures to come in. That was really hard on him, and he had just gotten his beautiful smile back shortly before he passed away. Yes, I too will run back to our home , only to find myself lying on his side of the bed with his cremains right next to me. I almost always have a candle burning by the bed, in his honor. I sleep with his bathrobe and favorite shirt and my picture of him up in heaven. I sleep as much as I can to avoid the loneliness. I think it is the depression. The holidays are coming and I for myself am scared how well I'll be able to hold up as I force myself to go to my parents, alone. I wish I could take away all this pain for all of us. God Bless You and Keep You, Val

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my day was not fun either been 7 months for me and i cry and cry. someone asked me out and i got there and could not go in and left and cried some more. I think this was about the worst weekend i had in several months.

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I just hate this for all of us. Caremal, I hate it for you. It's been seven months and it sounds like you are still having hard days although that is totally understandable. I always felt so sorry for people who had to go through it but now I really know for sure what it's like. It's absolutely heart breaking!

Val, I was wondering how I would handle being in the bedroom and everything. I think it is comforting to be on Russ' side of the bed. I also sleep in his shirts.

I keep thinking maybe I need to do something or go somewhere totally different. Maybe experience something Russ and I did not do together. I wonder if that would make a difference and maybe help in some way. My brother offered to take me to a hockey game. Russ and I never did that....

I keep telling myself we are all going to die at some point so we should try our best to live our lives because our turn will definitely come. No matter how hard it is I tell myself to just keep focusing on family and friends. I read it's good to keep busy so I'm going to go make some cookies for my nephews. My brother and his family are coming in for Thanksgiving Tues night and we always have it here at our house. Russ' and mine. They all love to come here, my parents, brothers, nephews and of course my son and his girlfriend and I know Russ had a lot to do with that. He was loved by my entire family. He made everything fun. I'm going to give it a try and see what happens. I know it's going to be hard but life goes on. Right?

I hold onto the hope that we will see our loved ones again. I'm not super religious but I believe in life after death. The spirit lives on.....

I sound positive and full of hope now but I'm sure later I'll be crying.....Oh well I'll take the good moments as they come.

Gonna go start on those cookies!

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I once again went out to eat at a fast food place and ate in the car - I can not go in to a nice place or even a fast food. I did that one time on my Birthday to a nice place and I felt so alone in the crowd - I left and cried again. I also understand music and crying and also in a store and doing the same. I know we will get past this ALL US WILL be ok.

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Yadairaisabel

Andrea I can completely relate to the shopping situation I can't even walk into wal-mart without breaking down. Days after my chuck passed away I got in our car and turned on the radio immediately this song came up to this day idk what the name of this song is but it was almost like he was talking to me. I'm truly sorry for your loss I understand and feel your pain.

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