Delayed/Complicated Grief - Years Later

[cathy]

I am new to this group and I am looking for anyone that may be familiar with Delayed/Complicated Grief. I lost my mother very suddenly on December 18, 1995. I was 21 years old at the time and was very independent, lived on my own, etc. In reality I was just a kid and I had to plan her funeral, be the strong one for my younger sister and for my Grandmother who just lost her only daughter.

So many things have happened since her passing and I never really got to grieve properly for my mother because I lost myself, made very bad choices, including a move less than a month after her death that I still regret to this day. I never really got to grieve for my mother and I miss her dearly. There are so many things I wish she was here for. My oldest daughter is 13 and she is giving me a hard time and I want to ask my mother how she made it through with me. Was I like that? I'm sure I was. My youngest daughter is 3 years old and she's so happy and so full of life and daring and not afraid of anything. She is nothing like her big sister. Was I like that as a toddler? I'll never know. My husband's parents aren't "kid types" as they say, and they don't really like to have the kids visit much. It makes it hard. My kids have no idea what grandparents are supposed to be like. They will never get to have a sleep over at Grandma and Grandpa's house because Grandma and Grandpa don't like children. I feel I cheated them of that, because I had awesome grandparents (my mother's parents) who I spent much of my time with. My girls will never know how Grandparents can be. I can't call my mom for advice. I'm now grieving for both of my parents, but more so for my mother because I miss her so much and I was so young when she died and I didn't get to tell her that I loved her. I wasn't old enough to tell her that she was right, and that I didn't know everything. I didn't get a chance to say good bye. A week before Christmas in 1995 has changed my life forever. I still have a wall up over my heart so that I won't allow anyone to get too close to it. That includes my 2 girls. I think I need to talk to someone about this... 17 years after her death, I shouldn't still be this way. Every December 18th I make chocolate chip cookies, play christmas music and cry my eyes out.

In December of 2011 (last year) I found out that my father, who suffered with paranoid schizophrenia, had been diagnosed with esophageal cancer. I lived 2 hours away from him and I decided to take FMLA to be with him through his treatments. In January, I had gotten a call from his caretaker that he was in the ICU and she didn't think he was going to make it. He was in the ICU for a week and was in a coma. His kidneys had failed, his liver had failed, his heart was failing and the ICU doctors prepared us for his death. Then he amazed everyone by waking up all of a sudden at 4am on a Saturday morning. He didn't know who he was or who I was or anything. He didn't know he was sick and he wanted to leave. They were able to get him stable, but he wasn't able to hold any solids or liquids down. The cancer was very aggressive and because his body was so weak, the cancer exploded and took control. The hospital said there was nothing else they could do for him and that I could take him home and try to bring him back for radiation treatments. They explained that it wouldn't extend his life, but may give him a better quality of life. The problem was, I lived two hours away and I knew my father wasn't healthy enough to make the drive back and forth. His caretaker informed me she could no longer take care of him. If I took him across state lines there was an issue with insurance coverage, medical laws that are different in this state, so I had a talk with his doctors. They had me meet with a social worker there. My only other option for my father was an in-patient hospice. They don't have any where I live. I live in a small rural area. I was born and raised in a big city and I knew there were better options for my father in the city. My father was released to the hospice right before Valentine's Day. He was doing great for about 2 days. He seemed happy and peaceful in his new home. He really liked the nurses. But then slowly, his kidneys began to fail, and each organ began to fail. He withered away to just skin and bones. His body wasn't able to process the pain, anti-anxiety, and anti-psychotic medications he was taking. He was withering away to nothing. He was too sick to eat. I stayed with him every weekend from Friday to Sunday evenings. I came to visit him 2 to 3 times a week, sometimes I would stay the entire week with him. Usually he didn't know who I was or what I was doing there. If he did recognize me, he begged me to take him home. If he was having a "good day" he was like a child, had the heart of a child and a mind like one too, but if he was having a bad day, he would cuss me out, blame me for putting him in that place and swat away at the voices that were screaming in his head since his medication wasn't working. At the end, he was having more and more bad days, and he slept a lot. I found that comforting because I knew he wasn't in pain. On April 20th the hospice called me at 6:30am and told me that my father was in the active phase of dying. I called my sister (she moved up to be closer to me) and by the time we got on the road, I got a call that my father had passed away. We didn't make it there in time. I feel really guilty about that. As I was planning his funeral I realized it was a lot easier this time around. I knew what I was doing.

I feel that I said and made my peace with my father and I'm thankful for that. I finally was able to put his ashes in his urn this past weekend. They are now sitting next to my mother's urn. Losing my dad was hard... but losing my mother was still the hardest thing I've ever done and I am still grieving for her, and as the holidays approach I am grieving for both of my parents.

I'm not sure if I should keep on doing what I'm doing, of if I should find someone to talk to... because sometimes the feelings of grief for my mother overwhelm me and I have to try to bury them in order to do what I have to do. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm supposed to do anymore.

[stargazer5510]

Hi, cathy. I read your post yesterday and was so moved by all that you have been through and the pain you're in. I didn't know what to say then and I still don't, but I hope being here and telling your story has been a good start to healing.

I think most here would say that healing is a relative thing. We're trying to pick up and move on, but it's not always (hardly ever) a clear path forward and it's hard to know what "healing" means under such difficult and traumatic circumstances.

I just wanted to let you know you're being heard. I have no answers. Just the usual suggestion to try and find a group or counselor for some personal support in addition to saying anything you feel you need to say here.

You had to grow up in an instant and now you're coming face to face with the fall-out.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. The holidays are looming so large and they're bad for many of us.

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

[Sue R]

Hi, Cathy. My mother died a long time ago, when I was 9, and I didn't really grieve until I was in my 30s. One book that really helped me was "Motherless Daughters, the Legacy of Loss" by Hope Edelman. I found out that I wasn not alone in the things I was struggling with. I did find a group of motherless daughters to talk to but haven't needed to in a long time now. Another book on complicated or delayed grief is by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Living in the Shadow of the Ghosts of Your Grief: A Guide for Life, Living, and Loving. Either of these might help. I eventually got through my grief in a healthy enough way that I work for a hospice, helping bereaved people. It's never too late to work through these losses. And journaling was a really big help to me too. When the feelings of grief rise up, it's better to write them out than to bury them. Take care of yourself. I know it's especially hard when both parents are gone.

[kaycee42]

Dear Cathy

I am so sorry for your losses, I too have lost both my parents recently. Please do not bury your grief allow it to happen. If grief was a deep cut you would tend to it, you would not allow it to fester. This is what you must do with grief tend to it, allow yourself to grieve and one day you will come through. We will always miss our parents but one day their memory will make us smile. take care of yourself

[cjr1987]

Hi Cathy,

I also lost my mother suddenly in my early twenties. I couldn't help but weep when I read your story . Every Christmas, I do exactly what you do. I put on my Anne Murray, bake, and try to recreate Christmas the way she used to make it. I It's never the same and I find myself mourning for the mother I can't have. Not just her death but what I had lost, very selfishly.

Only being three years on the other side of my loss, I can't imagine how strong you must be to stifle your pain and keep going. I've also read Motherless Daughters by Hope Endelman, and although it is comforting, I think the best advice I can empart is to seek bereavement counselling. I was told once that when a death happens suddenly, we are thrust forward even when our heart and soul is stuck in the past. There has to be a way for us to catch up with our physical self. Not that I can be an expert to you but, I can't imagine feeling this pain any longer. And my greatest fear is fearing the same life for my own daughters. Sometimes asking for help is the ultimate act of strength.