Utterly Lost

[BlueFaerie]

]Last sunday my best friend died. She was 98 and the grandmother of my partner of over 10 yrs.

For the last 10 yrs I have spend every thursday evening with her as we got on so well. We confided in each other all of the time and when she moved into a care home a few years ago she chose to stay in the same town as me and my partner rather than near her sons and daughters who lived miles away. This was as she always said to me even if she moved nearer they wouldn't visit her any more which has amounted to about twice a year if that. We became best friends very quickly despite an age gap of over 50 yrs.

Last month her mobility went downhill rapidly and a few weeks ago couldn't use her walking frame anymore. After that she picked up what they said was an infection but I think it was just her age and that she was fed up with not hearing or seeing very well anymore. her sight and hearing may have detiorated but her mind was sharp as ever and she was just plain fed up. She told me this all the time. She was put on antidepressants which she called misery pills which we did have a bit of a giggle together about this.

I went to see her last tuesday after realising she had detiorated a bit on my thursday visit but the carers said she had picked up an infection. She then became bedbound and was barely drinking and not eating bar a yoghurt I managed to feed her which the staff then had a bit of success with after - her sweet tooth won that one! It was almost like she had lost the will to live. Friends and family were aware she didn't have long and she suddenly got loads of visitors which I was annoyed at (and still am if I'm honest) as only a few months ago she was desperate for visitors. Funny how her carers agreed with me!

I then went to see her every day up to last saturday night where she was very weak and I knew she didn't have long. I'm just glad that she knew it was me as when she did speak a bit between the sleeps she responded to me but it was such an effort for her.

I got the call on sunday morning that she had passed away and although I am so glad she got her release which was what she badly wanted. She was a very christian lady and believed that god would give her peace. I am not christian, believe me right now I wish I did believe but I don't.

So now I am lost.

I am not involved in anything to do with her death as her children are dealing with it which is right anyway but I'm so lost it is ridiculous.

They are dealing with her belongings which is little as she had had a big clearout when she moved into the carehome. need to pick up two items tomorrow, one being my scrabble board as we played scrabble a lot on my visits and her only teddy bear that we bought one each on a special day out from one of those bear factories. It is meaningless to the family and they were just going to dispose of it. I have suggested that anything they don't want, to offer it to the care home as it is a christian charity as well but I don't know if they will or not.

The funeral has all been arranged and all the family are almost making a big deal of all the various things they are doing but to be honest I neither want to know or care. The main thing is they did nothing for her in the last ten years, and even more so in the last two years when she has been so lonely in the care home so what they need to do to ease their guilty conciounces is up to them.

Right now I just need to work out how to stop crying and getting upset every five minutes, just so I can do my job and get on until at least the funeral is over and I don't have to deal with these people anymore.

My partner is upset but its him conforting me the most right now, even to the point of poping out from work to take me home yesterday as I broke down at work. I'm finsihing work shortly and |'ve taken time off tomorrow to at least try to get myself to a point of calm.

Sorry this is long but I've typed as I've thought about it. My anger at the family is ridiculous and I need to be calm at least for the funeral when I am face to face with all of these people with all their pretences if that makes sense!

Every breath right now seems painful, I can't even describe it and even thinking about it just makes me spin. I am utterly lost.

[stargazer5510]

Thanks for coming here and sharing your story. Sounds like you two were true soulmates. And you know best what a loss it was for her friends and family who neglected her.

My husband and I played cutthroat Scrabble when we were first dating. As a matter of fact, friends gave us a Scrabble board for a wedding gift because we were always borrowing theirs. I got a big warm smile when you mentioned Scrabble. It told me that you spent warm, friendly, fun, intimate time with her. That's a gift for you both.

You write well. Can you write about your conversations with her and what you learned about and from her? Maybe at some point.

Please take good and gentle care with yourself. This relationship sounds like a jewel and it must be a very deep loss.

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

[BlueFaerie]

Hi, thank you for your reply.

To be honest right now I am just trying to get through each day without getting upset and try to stop myself withdrawing into myself which has become a bit of a habit.

I find it difficult to speak to anyone on anything, no matter what it's about, and I'm starting to get a few reactions from other people who just don't understand that right now i want to be left alone.

I am hoping it will get a bit easier after the funeral which isn't for a few weeks yet. What is not helping is that I am still getting calls asking me to help with various bits that th family have as usual not bothered with.

My partner is also getting upset that the family are not including him in the arrangments which is disgraceful since like myself, he pretty much did everything for his grandma. I've tried to make him understand that this is their guilty conciounces but of course he's too u[pset to have to deal with that as well.

It's almost like right now I'm not allowed to be upset and apart from a very few close to me, people don't seem to be allowing me the space to do so in peace.

Although it's been a while since my original post I have been coming onto here most days to read other threads just as a comfort that it will get easier.

I think now I have to just get through the days until the funeral and well I'm trying my hardest not to think about anything further right now as to how I deal with this massive loss.

[MeNMyGrandmaD]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. There is no good time for this to happen, but around the holidays is an added blow.

I loved hearing about your relationship. How wonderful that you devoted that time to her, without the obligation that comes from being family - you gave freely and generously of yourself.

I understand resentment toward family members who have been MIA and then suddenly arrive on the scene and act as martyrs once the actual event happens. My uncle and his wife chose to go on vacation the day my grandmother took a turn for the worse, then went on and on about having to cancel their poor vacation and were all "woe is me" and trying to hijack all the arrangements once they showed up (finally). These were the same people who wouldn't buy my grandma shoes or personal items she needed at the nursing home when she ran out, even though they lived in the next town and were supposed to be in charge of the finances - little did they know I knew and that the nursing home would just call my family next, because they knew we would get the things my grandmother needed the moment we learned of her needs.

I was beyond furious at my uncle and his wife for their big fake public display of concern after the fact of my grandma's death, and remember one particular moment when my aunt was trying to arrange us all in some stupid processional at the funeral home for the visitation, and I said something like, "You do what you want, but I'm not standing in your damn line-up." I have to think my grandma would have chuckled a little at that and said something like, "Oh, you Welch girl!" Nonetheless, I am working on getting over my anger and trying to forgive them. Not there yet....

I had the good fortune of being able to speak at my grandma's funeral and share stories about her which was the greatest honor and privilege, almost as much as being there when she died. My dad did something incredibly neat but more private - he slipped a note into the casket at the funeral home so he could find some closure. I thought that was a beautiful gesture and I'll bet it's something you could do for your friend without offending the (better late than never) relatives.

Another thought - maybe doing something special and pampering for her carers. They are often forgotten, and they have experienced an intense loss too. There is something about our aging loved ones - we lull ourselves into thinking they will go on forever. I think that is part of what makes it so very hard to let them go. We have been used to having them around for so very long that they become a fixture in our lives, and there is a great void when they are gone from us. Wishing you comfort in your loss.