Hollow Pain

[yellowbird]

The hollow pain of your absence never leaves me. I try to face my life, to find joy, to move forward. I try not to let this be the defining moment that removed my smile, my laughter, my ability to be present in my life.......but it is a blind fight. You took the colour, you took the sun and I am drained from trying to pretend that this is not my constant truth. I surrender. My life will go on and I will smile for all those who need me to smile and I will move through my world putting all the errands in their place. I will raise my glass for those who need me to be fine. I will give them release of their concerns and fears. I will play the part and wear the faces for every act and scene. When the lights dim, the distant stare will return as I remove the mask they need me to wear. And darkness will decent on me and the colours will drain and you and I will know the truth. There is no life after losing you, there is only dark, colourless, hollow pain.

[stargazer5510]

Feeling it tonight. Bleak. ((((((hugs)))))))))

[val]

Dear Yvette - your post is so well worded, yet concerning to me. It sounds like you've surrendered yourself to the fact that you must be miserable the rest of your life and just 'fake it' for the sake of others. For me, right now as I write this, I feel I will eventually surrender to the fact that Jerry died but the surrender will lead to an acceptance. And it may take years. But eventually, I'll feed the birds again, smile again, see the sunshine again and learn to live again. You are such a dear person, I wish and pray that you find acceptance after the surrender...and learn to live life again, not just go through expected motions during the day, but really live. I think we all will carry a hole in us where their presence used to be but over time hopefully that hole gets smaller and sweeter in its capacity to override us. And we can remember God did only loan us them for a time, that we are all God's children, on loan as family, lovers, husbands, wifes and friends to each other.... God Bless You, val

[Silvergirl61]

I hope for us all , that in time, the light and color return to us, and we can see the days we spent with the ones we loved through a brighter veil.

[yellowbird]

Thanks for all the kind replies. I am trying and I think we may be right Val, this may be the first steps of acceptance. Maybe the act of surrender is the initial steps of acceptance. I don't imagine that the next six months will be easy. Christmas hanging out there like a big painful stop sign, her birthday in Feb and then one year since her death in April. I know the sadness feels constant but I also know that the exhausting mental gymnastics trying to find ways to tell myself why her death was manageable has gone. Maybe admitting that it is not manageable, or at least not manageable right now is healthier. Maybe there is only a fine line between surrender and acceptance. I know she is never coming back and right now the acceptance of that fact is extremely painful but hopefully the first steps to a healthier place. Thanks again.

[immissingyou]

Oh honey. This breaks my heart. I cannot begin to imagine losing my best friend as I would be lost. Take care in the good memories that you had as I bet your friend would be devastated to see you so upset and struggling.