Never thought I'd be posting here.

[waltz2]

I was never the type of person to seek out help from others and that may be part of the problem.

Last month, my boyfriend hanged himself. I've just been wracked with guilt and pain or numbness. I've been thinking about him every second of the day and whenever I go to sleep, I inevitably have a dream that's related to him. The worst are the dreams where it seems so real and that we're happy together again - it usually quickly ends with me waking up to a cold, empty apartment at 4 in the morning. I'm always too haunted to go back to sleep.

I'm just unable to resume my life. Somehow the depression and anxiety that I'm feeling is worse than the week after it happened. I've lost my enthusiasm for everything. I can't tolerate work or school. The quality of my work has obviously been decreasing. I can barely make it through a subway ride without crying or freaking out.

The worst part is I haven't been able to be sober throughout this whole ordeal. I'm either drinking way too much booze or popping Xanax. I just don't know what to do. I can't sit through class or work without taking a small break and having a sip of whiskey. I feel trapped in my body and stuck in some hellish nightmare that I can't snap out of.

I wasn't the best boyfriend to him, but I really did love him. We had a bit of a falling out a month before he killed himself and we went for a couple of weeks without really talking. We patched things up and became very friendly again, but we agreed that our relationship should be less serious, more casual... but I could tell he was disappointed with that.

I keep re-reading the last texts that we exchanged and I'm just filled with so much regret. The night he did it, he told me that he was 'fucked up really badly' and then immediately said 'I shouldn't of texted you, love you'. He always used to send me drunk texts and it was late, so, I was kind of annoyed and replied back telling him that he should have someone cut him off. He said 'too late' and wished me a good night. I really just wish I said 'love you too' at the very least. The moment of him texting me that while I was in bed and the moment where I got the call - they keep replaying over and over in my head.. on some sick loop. It's making me nauseous and anxious.

I just really don't know what to do. I've suffered from depression since my adolescence and this has made it so unbearably worse. A day lasts forever, like, it's just me fighting to make it through those 24 hours at this point.

Blah. Sorry to ramble on - I just don't know what to do.

[caitlyncolfels]

i can relate to the pain, anxiousness, sorrows, deep depression you feel. and i can also agree that the week-weeks after will be horrible and i know this. i just lost my fiance who i've known and been with for 6 years pass away oct. 21, 2012 so about 2 weeks ago. im still in shock and i basically feel everything you feel. we've had our moments where we weren't our best and did things to hurt one another but at the end we were good, really good. and he has to go out and get a motorcycle that clearly ends our life together and his life...he passes away immediately due to his riding inexperience and speed and crashed head on into a light pole. the regret i feel is inexplainable as well as the pain i go through every second of the day. no friends can make me laugh nor family and if i do, it's just for a quick second. how can a life be happy after we lose our loved ones...how does TIME make things easier, when i don't want to forget him and be okay...

[bdawn]

I'm so sorry Waltz2. I don't know what to say to make you feel better as I'm pretty new to this too. I lost my boyfriend of 10 years to lung cancer on Sep 3. We were also really struggling with our relationship because he wanted to get married but I refused because of his abusive tendancies. Suddenly he became sick and then just 1 month later he was gone.

I can relate to waking up feeling haunted and cold and empty. That happens to me all the time. I dream about him almost every night and waking up to the reality is always so painful..

Just please take care of yourself. I understand wanting to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol but in the long run it will only hurt you more. Your boyfriend's decision to end his own life is not your fault but I bet you beat yourself with the if only's. If only I had said this or done that.... Don't do that to yourself. I'm sure your boyfriends spirit is still alive somewhere and I'm certain he doesn't want you punishing yourself for what happened.

This forum is great. I read here more than I post and it's been incredibly helpful. Perhaps you should consider getting some counselling to help you work through this. So far I think I'm doing okay but I have already made up my mind that I will seek therapy if I need to.

[stargazer5510]

I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Please don't let guilt eat you up. You are worthy of loving support right now.

I hope you find some comfort here sharing your feelings and pain. It has helped me a lot.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[Silvergirl61]

I'm glad you came here. This site is sometimes the only thing that gets me through the rest of the night. I mean it. the only thing that's keeping me going. I can't bear work, I can't stand much stress, and arguing around me reduces me to helpless sobbing and gasping for breath. Still, yet.

There are times of day, and whole days, where I just don't feel like I can stand to be without my Dennis.

He was my best friend, the love I always needed, the center of my world- and he's gone. The pain of the loss sometimes just overwhelms me, and it's been a little over two months, now.

I have had so little will to do anything some days, that I couldn't even summon the energy to eat, or didn't even remember to, unless someone told me to- that is getting better. I wake to hopeless tears, lots of times..and if I come here and talk for awhile, it helps. Or even if I just come read forums, I don't feel so all alone, drowning in helpless what-ifs, and regrets, and wishes that it all were different.

We try to help each other through the dark days we find ourselves in now. Sometimes, it just feels better, to know there is another real person out there in a world that feels so alien and unreal.

If you go to the chat, don't be shy. If you aren't sure what to say, start by saying hello. If you feel like just listening in for awhile, that's ok , too. The only rules are about being respectful of others, so it's not a bad place to just come to find a friend who is also awake. I hope you try it.

You can find most of our stories here, in the forums, but you can always ask, if you meet someone new, if they mind talking to you about what happened, or where they are on their road to healing. Nearly everyone here has a story, and most are very caring and helpful people.

Please take care of yourself, and come back when you need to- there are friends here.

[Mdanielson4]

Waltz2,

I am so sorry for your loss, I truly hope you find comfort here. The people have been wonderful to me and I truly cannot say enough nice things about them. I don’t know what I would do if I hadn’t found this place.

Mike

[paulaj]

Waltz2,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Try and get some help for the substance abuse. The only thing it does is numb feelings and so prolong the grieving process. Caitlyncolfels, I can only give you my experience with time. It's been five years for me. Time puts distance between you and the event, so your emotions are not so raw. I don't think it heals. I can tell you, there isn't a day that goes by I don't miss John. But at this point, I'm not a wreck. I can think of him with love and not fall apart.

Sincerely,

Mandala

[Shirley e]

Hey I can relate my man killed himself on Sept 29th. He shot himself with my gun 4 feet in front of me. The last month has been terrible. Nights are the hardest for me. Meds help but they can not fix a broken heart. Talk to friends and stay in contact our support group they are a big help. Things will get better one day at a time. Praying for you.

God Bless