Overwhelming losses- new to group

[Mtlost]

Hi, I knew to the group. In the past 10 months I've experienced so many losses it's just overwhelming to me. And the last loss has completely rocked me to my knees. I'm not exactly sure how to handle this. So I'm looking to a group of people that will possibly understand how I'm feeling, and maybe help me get through this.

On Christmas eve of last year, I lost my grandmother. She was 89. I live across the country from my family now, and I was unable to be there in her final days, or even go to the funeral. It's guilt that is a little hard sometimes to overcome. I own a business, and we were so busy at Christmas time, but I just couldn't get a flight out that wasn't over $2000, Because it was unexpected, and at the last minute.

In August of this year, my uncle had a heart attack and died suddenly. He was only 66, and no one knew that he had heart problems. Even him. He had just had his carotid artery checked, and it was 70% blocked, so they said they weren't going to check his heart. He had a massive heart attack and passed away within hours. I flew home for the funeral, and it was horrible. It was great to see my family, But I was very close to my uncle. And I miss him so much. Over 1000 people came to his visitation and it was amazing to see how many lives he touched. While I was there I begged my mother to please take better care of herself, she has diabetes and has blockages in her heart, and I begged her to take care of herself so I wouldn't have to do this with her. When I was at the airport to leave, I hugged my mother and something in the back of my mind said I knew that was the last time I was going to see her alive. Unfortunately, I was right.

I lost my mother three weeks ago yesterday to a massive stroke. The doctors didn't check her carotid artery, and her heart was 70% blocked. She had a massive stroke which led to cardiac arrest and I lost her. I got a call from my Cousin on a Friday morning serenade just taking my mom to the hospital because she went into cardiac arrest. I was on a plane within four hours, when I got to my first layover my husband had a message for me to call him immediately. I called him and choking through tears he told me they were keeping her alive for me. I am an only child, and my parents are divorced. He went on to tell me that the doctors needed to know if I wanted to take her off life support. They would be waiting for me when I got to the hospital.

I got to the hospital around midnight and my poor mother was not conscious she was on a respirator it was helping her breathe and medication is keeping her heart beating and I couldn't believe I was going through this. My entire family was there my aunt and my cousins who would just lost their father and husband. My aunt and uncle from out-of-town and many other relatives are at the hospital.

I spent the entire night holding her hand and sleeping at her bedside. The next morning I called my family together and told him that I decided to take her off life support. The guilt I feel over that is tremendous. At times I know I did the right thing, and other times I feel like I killed my own mother.

I had three days to clear out her entire house and pack everything up and be out of town and drive across the country in my moms car. I miss her so much every day, and some people have been amazing helping me through this and understanding why I can't remember anything and I lose things quickly and I cried the drop of a hat.

One person, in particular told me I should be okay because it wasn't like I got to see her and hug her every day because I moved across the country. I had an anxiety attack over that. I don't know what to do, I feel lonely and alone in a room full of people. I miss my mom so much I just don't know how to deal with this. Yes I moved across the country yeah she came out to visit me two to three times a year, and had so much fun. But I feel like I left her.

[Mtlost]

Sorry if some of this looks funny, I use voice dictation. So if words don't look grammatically correct, I'm sorry.

[star2000]

I am so sorry for all the losses that you have been dealing with. I lost my uncle a few years ago when he was 35. He was riding home on a motorcycle and hit a deer. Well he was released from the hospital and had to have assistance and sadly a blood clot ended up killing him a few days after he got released from the Hospital. At this time I was living in another state and had just had a baby 3 months before his death. I was going to ride with my parents and my other aunt and uncle to go to the funeral. We where all going to pitch in and rent a van that would hold 15 people but my uncle wanted to be able to run around so sadly I was unable to go because my family and I alone couldnt afford the bigger van and gas for it. It hurt not getting say goodbye. My dad was the only boy of 7 kids and all that is left is him and one sister. One of my aunts passed away on my sons birthday a couple years ago which was hard. I somehow survived all of those but when my mother passed away on October 1st, I felt like the world had been taken from me. She was also on lots of iv fluids, one to lower her heart rate, one to raise her blood pressure, the rest for I dont even remember. She had a breathing tube down her throat breathing for her as well. She went into the Hospital on September 28th and we decided to take her off the medicines and breathing tube on the 1st. It is the hardest decision you will ever have to make. The doctors had her sedated because she kept trying to pull the tube out of her throat. That monday morning we had them take her off the sedation so that we could communicate with her and make sure we where doing what she wanted. Sadly my mother never woke up. She went into a comma probably Saturday night. It hurt so bad sitting their holding her hand and watching the life drain from her even though it was pretty much just the medicine and breathing tube that was keeping her body alive. My mother was 47 years old when I had to say goodbye to her. I know right now it feels confusing if you did the right thing but when I think about it, my mom was in pain big time before she passed, and I would love to have her back but not like she was and I know there was no way that she could come back to us. It still hurts but I have finally started facing forward. I joined a grieving group that meets once a month and that helped me put things into perspective. Don't feel guilty that you lived away from home. You did what you had to do for you and I am sure that your mom was very proud of you for getting out there and starting your won business It will hurt for a while but eventually the days will start to get a little better. I have been told that no matter how many years pass, you wont ever stop not missing them, but you will learn how to live life without allowing the pain to control you. I am here for you if you ever need to talk. You can private message me. Dont be hard on yourself because you did what is best. Our moms are looking over us and proud of how far we have come and still love us even though they can not be with us. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time.