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Lost the love of my life 2/28/08


sus211

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I feel like my life has fallen apart.  My soul mate and my heart died suddenly 2/28/08.  He was a deputy so we always talked about this, but he worked with kids and he had a so called safe job.  Nothing ever happened there that he could'nt handle and he had just made Deputy of the Year.  He came home early from work that Thur. and went outside and supprised me with a garden he started, then came into to take a shower and I heard the radio going and assumed he layed down to take a nap.  I brought the 3 girls in (our boxers) and they jumped on the bed to wake him. I saw he wasn't moving and thought he was playing with us.  Then I realized his fingers were blue and his ear was purple. I got the dogs out and Immediately started CPR and called 911.  I new in my heart he was gone already, but I had to try. I even hit him and yelled to wake up.

I know I am know different then anyone here, but I feel my life is gone.  We had just renewed our vows and actually had a wedding we couldnt do before.  He supprised me with a ring that I had looked st 10 years prior, the exact one.  Everyone I talk to that he worked with said he always talked about me and loved me so much. I was so lucky to have had him in my life.  I just don't know what to do without him

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I am so sorry for your loss.  You have come to a good place here.  We have all been through this.  My partner passed suddenly from a blood clot almost 20 months ago.  Coming here and posting and meeting others who had gone through the same loss really helped me.

Be gentle with yourself. This is a time to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and honor YOUR feelings.  Don't let friends or family tell you what to do or how to grieve - the only thing that is right is what YOU feel is right for you.  I kept Ishaq's clothes in the closet for a full year.  I still have an "ancestor altar" with his picture and candles; a stone from the beach where he passed (he was swimming and laughing when it happened); his ashes and a box with a lock of his hair.  My spiritual teachers told me that I should try not to make any big changes in my life for one full year, one full walk around the sun.  

It is hard to eat, sleep, even breathe, in these early days.  It does get easier, but right now is the hardest.  Take care of yourself, and come here and write as often as you want/need - anything - vent, scream, curse - we've all been there, we all understand.

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

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I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband died unexpectedly 11 weeks ago.  We were together for 22 years.   I am 39  and he was barely 40 and in wonderful health.  Anna gave you some wonderful thoughts that are helping me.  I also have an altar with Daves ashes and his clothes I am sure will stay where they are for a long time.  I think what has helped me, is not looking too far ahead into the future.  I can only try to think and work through today.  I am aware of the other things that need done eventually but I only focus on one day at a time because if I look much beyond that it is overwhelming to see that he is not there and all that needs done.  I hope your girls give you comfort.  I have 3 children and  3 little kittens that bring me comfort.  Keeping a grief journal where I can pour out my thoughts and cry all I want really helps me.  Somtimes the journal entries turn into letters to Dave.  That's ok too. 

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I too am so very sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband on Dec. 22, 2007 in an automobile accident.  Something you just don't expect.  We were married almost 23 years just 2 months shy.  We have two children 16 and 19, dogs and a bird all of these things keep me going.  I have also started a journal which ends up being letters to my husband of what my day is like, and how we are managing one day at a time.  The kids and I have pictures of him everywhere to honor his memory. Like Anna says some days you almost feel like you can't breath the pain is so unbearable.

My thoughts are with you.

Denise

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Sus211,

I also am very sorry for your loss. My husband of 21 years passed away of a heart attack on December 29 2007. We tried to save him but he was gone within mins. This is the hardest thing we will ever do in our lifes. This site has helped me and I know it will also help you we all know what you are feeling. Come here and say whatever you want.

God Bless you and your family,

Susan

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Sus211,

Yes, we all have experienced the same loss.  My fiance died on January 26th of this year.  We were supposed to get married this May.  We all understand how you feel and what you're going through.  That's why this is such a good place to come.  There are no cures for the pain but you can get some tips on how to cope a little and at least you know you're not alone.  In fact, it's very sad to me how many of us there are here.

Sue

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angelmissing

[align=left]Sus211,

I lost my fiance Feb. 19, 2008,,, it was actually 4 weeks ago today.. I cry every day... so I feel for you & your loss, as all of us do here.  I just pray every day for God to help me get thru the next second, the next moment.  I like one of the others haven't put all of my Marks things away,& may never put them all up.  The people on here have been a big help to me.  They have let me know it is ok to grieve in my own way, to cry, to scream, to speak up for myself if that is what is needed.  I sometimes wear Marks PJ at night or hug his pillow... I also find myself sending him letters to his myspace page.. that his daughter & her friend set up.. I 'm telling you these things because they help me cope in some small way..& maybe they will help you too.  The others make a good statement about taking care of yourself.. that I am re-learning to do these things, eating properly  & just eating at all.. which is still hard for me.. but Im trying to do better. Try to get plenty of rest.. this one is still hard for me, but again I m trying.

Know that you are in my prayers as the others on here are.   Maybe we can learn from one another..& gradually become stronger..

[/align]

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I am so thankful for all the responses here.  It has seemed to help a lot, today was a really dark day for me and the only thing I seemed to be able to accomplish was to take his clothes that I had folded the day he died out of my laundry room.  I put them on my dresser because I'm not even sure what I should do.  I wanted to put them in his dresser but then I get all logical which just makes me feel guilty.  It's like this constant up and down,but today was mostly down.  Sorry for rambling, just in a wierd space.  So my final thing for today was to do nothing and maybe even try and watch TV.  

Thank you everyone

Goodnight :)

Sus

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Sus211

I am sorry that u had to find this place but it is the best place that I know of that has helped me so much. My husband was also a cop for 26 years. i always thought the job would get him but no cancer did. He passed away on October 12, 2007. We had only found out that he was sick in Feb of 07 not even a year after he retired. We were married for 26 years together for 27 and I miss him everyday. I won't say that it has been easy but I do find myself smiling again and having a good time with my kids, but I still have bad days I was up Saturday morning till 4 just crying and yelling at his picture wanting him to answer me.

You can read more of my story on the I miss him site. Do what you have to do to get through each day and don't let anyone tell you how to grive. Take it one day at a time or one minute at a time if you have to.

This place is a great place to do what you need to do yell, vent, whatever. Please come back often if not to post at least read.

Lela

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Dear Angel,

I'm sorry for your loss of your fiance.  I have some idea of what you're feeling.  Had you set a wedding date or made any plans?  We were supposed to get married this May and we had finalized almost all our plans.  We were togethr for 3 years and lived together for 2.  How can he be gone?  It still doesn't seem real to me.  I cry every day.  I wear his t-shirts to bed every night.  I haven't touched anything of his and I have no plans to worry about it now.  By the time I come home, I'm so exhausted from just trying to keep myself together and get through the day, I can't move off the couch.   I feel so cheated and robbed.  Do you feel that way too?

Sue

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ok how do you make it just thru one day? that's where I'm at right now.  i WAS SO PISSED OFF THAT S0OMEONE SAID YSTERDAY WELL HONEY IT'S BEEN ALMOST A MONTH, WELL NO NOT TO ME IT HASN'T.  I't been 20 days for me and it still feels like yesterday.  I've been in a fog for the past few weeks and now everything is feeling real.  All the decisions that I'm being forced to make. I'm really just pissed at the world right now and I hate it.  This is not who I am at all.  Just venting I guess, nobady else seems to get it.

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Sus-Unless somebody has been through it, they really don't get it. They expect you to just snap out of it and suddenly be your old self. It is really awful making major decisions while going through grief because you can't concentrate or even comprehend what is needed. See if you can find somebody you really trust to be there with you when something major needs to be done. As for those people, avoid them if you can and have the people around you that can understand and listen to what you're going through. You really find out who your friends are when the chips are down in life. You are very new to grief and no one can expect you to be over it so soon! Take very good care of yourself. 

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It is totally ok to vent!  And I can't believe the cluelessness of other people - a month isn't even long enough for it to sink in - you are still in the shock of what has happened! 

We understand and have all vented ourselves plenty in the past!  Don't worry about apologizing to anyone here - say whatever you want, we understand!

Blessings,

Anna

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Dear Sus,

You're right, your grieving is just beginning.  At first, you're in shock, then you have the funeral to deal with, and there are lots of people around and you're so busy you don't really have time to think or take it all in.  Then everything stops and all the people go away and then it really hits you. 

We've all been subjected to the insensitivity of other people.  Like we've all learned, nobody knows what we're going through except people who are going through the same thing.  That's why this forum is such a helpful place.

As far as taking things one day at a time, there are days I literally take it one hour at a time.  I'll say to myself, okay, you only have to get through from now until 11:00.  Then I only have to make it through the next thing or time until noon.  If I can narrow things down to that, I can function.  Some days I can manage chunks of the day or even the whole day.  But after almost 8 weeks, I still have to divide it up into at least the day and the evening and the night.

I'm really finding the advice and suggestions here helpful.  Yesterday on my way home from my therapist's I had two erands to run and I just didn't feel like I could do either one; it was too overwhelming.  Then it occurred to me - I could do just one.  It might seem stupid but it was a revelation to me.  I was hearing that advice of "only do what you can do.  Lower your expectations.  Let go of anything not absolutely necessary.  Be kind to yourself.  It will take as much time as it takes.  Don't listen to what anybody else says.  Do everything in your own way."

Wow!  I learned a lot here in the last few weeks and I didn't realize how I've been following these ideas and how much they've helped me.  Thank you all.

We can't tell you that it'll get better or easier.  All we can tell you is that we truly know how you feel and understand your pain and are here for you.

Sue

Sue

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Dear Sus,

Take care of yourself first. This Saturday will be 12 weeks for me. Next Friday the company my husband worked for is doing a special tributary to my husband at there yearly awards lunchen. So next week will be a hard one for me. A friend called me about 2 weeks after Bruce's death and said did you make your bed today? I thought that was very strange. She lost her son 3 years ago. She said the only thing you will do tomorrow is when you get up make your bed. So the next day after not making my bed for a 2 weeks, I got up a made it. Sounds dum but I was pround of myself for that one little thing that I use to do everyday. So do only want you can do a no more. Take care of only what you need to everything else can wait.

Susan

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I can't tell you how all of have helped...And I truley thank you.  Today is 3 weeks now and I had to go into the sheirffs ofc to collect his last check and deal with benifits and we're still waiting on the death cert which they said could take 6-8 weeks max.  I'm going crazy not knowing what happened to him.  And everything seems to change if it was a heart issue.  Something to do with the heart bill and law enforcement offficers.

They couldn't have been nicer but all I was thinking is why ythe hell am I here.  I managed to go to the bank get cigs and I went to his grave with a rose. Now I'm home and I decided that's enough for today.  I'm actually proud of myself for being able to just get thru that meeting without crying the whole time.

This is all so overwhelming.....just going to take care of my dogs and watch some movies maybe.

Thank you guys so much again.  Not sure what the hell I'd be doing if I couldn't talk here :)

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Good for you for accomplishing all of that and it must have been very painful.  I think it's great too that you were able to say "enough!" and stop and take care of yourself.

It's so sad but we all do it because our worlds changed on the day our loved one died.    We all count from the day he/she died.  It's 7 weeks and 5 days today.

Continue to take good care of yourself.

Sue

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I have seen so many post here and it is so sad that there are so many here.  I still feel this has helped more then anything and I don't want to sound ungratful, but I'm so damn angry then I get tears and then I just sit and hold his things.  His Sgt stopped by today.  H elost his 15 month old daughter and is just one of the most special people that I have met.  He seemed to lift my heart with only a few words.  Anyway, that's it for today am really dreading Easter.  I'm going to his grave and not sure.  But I keep saying what I hear here. 1 day at a time  or a min.

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Yes, that is what it takes, 1 day at a time, one minute at a time, one bite of the elephant at a time, one foot in front of the other, act as if. Somehow that's how we get through it and when you've had enough in one day STOP. You don't have to do it all in one day especially in the grieving condition you're in.

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Thank you Aurora...I just don't seem to have much of a choice but deal with all of this.  I'm going so crazy just waiting for his death cert to find out for sure what happened.  And for some reason it makes a big deal whether it was heart related when it comes to his benefits. Then it becomes in the line of duty.  Then as I drive home I think Damn all of this, I'd give all of it back and I mean everything, just to have those few min with him before he died.  Everyone keeps saying to me how lucky he was that he went so peaceful. Well screw that ( excuse me) but maybe it was better for him but I just want to see his eyes again and feel his arms.  I feel like at least I could have told him how much I loved him and how so VERY important he is in my life.  We use to say my heart, your heart. Well it's true, I feel like I have lost most of me and just this shell is walking around.  God forgive for saying but I'd rather he had some illness where we had time to share together or prepare I guess. I really hope I'm not offending anyone here, but I guess I feel cheated. Wow, how selfish is that?

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Sus211,

I know what you are saying my husband died in front of me within 5 min. I just kept screeming this is not happening over and over. I did not have time to say I love you or anything it just is not right. I am a little out in front of you tomorrow will be 12 weeks I received the report back at about 9 weeks  I was sure it was a heart attack. Yes it was, he was so health he did not even have cloged arts. So they think a piece of plack broke off and hit his heart.

 I used to say the same thing you are saying now. So I understand how you feel all I can say is it sucks and I wish I go go and be with him but that is not for me to chose it is Gods will. I have daily pity parties I am by myself 90% of the time, then I brush myself off get up and find something to do.

However it has taken me over 11 weeks to make myself do this. At about 10 weeks a friend gave me a book called Embraced by the Light by Betty Eadie it has made a big improvement in my spritual thoughts. I know my husbards is with Jesus, but I still wish I could have kiss him one more time and said I love you. I know that he new I loved him and glad he doesn't feel the pain I am going through now it is so much worse than the pain he went through the day the lord took him from me. OK so much for my going on and on... I am with you on this matter...

Susan

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Sus, it's ok to vent and vent and have pity parties-GEEZ-look what you've been through and are going through and it hasn't been very long ago for you. No one is here to judge anybody. We're all here for the same reasons. Words leave me speechless. That poem you put on Poems to our Beloveds is just beautiful. I can tell you two had a very special kind of love that comes to a person once in a lifetime if they are lucky. Your friend must have felt the power of love you two had too to have written such a beautiful piece to you.

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All I can say is thank you again and again and again :)  You guys are great.  Maybe someday I'll be able to be as supportive to someone else as you've been to me :)

*Giant Hugs To All*

Sus

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sus hope all is going ok for you. Been thinking about you and the so early part of all of this. I am at 24 weeks  tomorrow and today I am just so wiped out. Just really down in the dumps nor sure why. But I hate it. Just when I thought I was getting "used" to all of this new stuff I hit bottom again. I think I am going to bed. Just wanted to know how you were doing today.

Lela

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angelmissing

Sue (maamgrey),

I don't think I ever replied back to you.. I apologize.. my mind is still in such a fog..

Mark & I never set a definite date.. It was going to be around this past Chirstmas, then we both decided after the first of the year ('08). We both have been married before so we wanted our ceremony to be special ( to us). We had looked at rings. Mark thought we should go with white gold, since our prior marriages we both had yellow gold. We had looked into going to Hawaii.. where they offered memoriable weddings.. very romantic... He worked for a local airlines.. so his ticket would have been free..mine..just a small charge ( like a tax or buddy pass fee) since I was listed at his work as his traveling companion.. unlimited flying.. but we never did fly anywhere...

The last discuss we had about our wedding was mid January.. we had decided to try to recover money wise some from Christmas.. Mark wanted to buy me a nice engagement ring..he said since I never had a nice one from previous marriage.. & then we both thought it was important for our daughters to be there.. We had already asked my brother in law an ordained minster to perform the ceremony & he had agreed..

Then Mark seemed to pull away from me some.. ( in his depression).. The morning of his death ( he took his own life at his fathers home later that evening),,I sensed his deep depression, more than I had seen it before.. tried to get him to let me take him to get some help..begged him... I tried talking calmly to him as I knew something with him wasn't quite right that morning... in our conversation I mentioned if he still wanted to marry me.. he said yes I did.. ( I think in his mind he already knew what he was planning on doing).. He did hug me very tight that morning & told me he loved me several times... but mentioned softly that he was sorry...

I don't mean to burden you.. with my situation.. I know Mark loved me, but his intertorment just had become to much for him..

We had plans.. plans on spending the rest of our life together.. hopefully thru old age...How I long for that...

I still miss him so bad.. even prayed if God would to roll back time... it hurts so much to know the man I was suppose to marry & spend old age with is gone.. Life seems to be so cruel at times...

I feel for you as I know your dreams were shattered to... We find the Love of our Life.. & then they are taken away from us..before we even get to start of journey of marriage together...

If you are like me... I feel like a widow... Hard for some people to understand that..but I do.. & I feel like over half of me is gone & the other part that remains is shattered..

I pray for you, as I cried when I read your story.... I can sense the love you had for your fiance'  & the hurt his passing has left you with.

I pray God will somehow manage to give us some strength, & courage to face each moment & each day...

Know that I am thinking about you...

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This is the first time I have been on...reading your story was like reading my own.  I lost my husband to a heart attack also.  We had no idea that he was sick with this.  He was 41 years old and in good health. We were on our way home from a HS basketball game and he started to feel poorly and I decided to get him to a doctor...we were then pulled over for speeding..  and he  died within 5 minutes in the car.  It is such a helpless feeling..even though they say they could not have saved him even if he was in a hospital.  I feel like I should have been able to do something.  We have been together since HS and I've known no other love...it's only been 4 weeks and I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I have 3 girls..an 18 year old with our first baby grandson and 2, 17 year old twin girls who witnessed their Dad's death...I need to help my girls but I can hardly get through this myself

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I am new to this site...I became a widow at 38, and i thought i was going to

go crazy.WE had a son 17 at the time..i took one day at a time and went into

a mode of denial..my son also went into denial we just pretended he was on  a

business trip.IT was our sons senior yr in high school and i wanted it to be a happy time for him. when our son left for college the house was so quiet. thats when i cried a river .when our son came home for a visit that is when we faced the truth dad wasnt comming back.im rambling im sorry.

MY story is not special and the point im trying to make is i am now 58 yrs old

i never remarried but i am seeing someone who is special to me my son is now 36 yrs old married and doing well...we are so close because in a sense we grew up in a lot of ways together

life does get better you will never forget . but it does get better its not as raw and

but the memories stay and so does the love you felt...

take care of yourself

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Thanks Maryann for the encouragement.  It's been 6 weeks and 2 days and am not really sure where I'm at.  The last few days have been a little strange.  I almost felt like he was just away for a while and would walk in the door.  Then I see his picture and it all comes back again. I just miss him so much.  I miss his arms and his face.  I still can't believe he's gone.  I don't want to believe he's gone and I hate that I have no choice.

I found this poem that kinda brings everything back to reality for me unfotunately, but it's very beautiful.

Have a great weekend:)

[align=center]The Final Inspection[/align]

The policeman stood and faced his God,

which must always come to pass.

He hoped his shoes were shining,

just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, policeman.

How shall I deal with you?

Have you always turned the other cheek?

To My church have you been true?"

The policeman squared his shoulders

and said, "No Lord. I guess I ain't.

Because those who carry badges,

can't always be a saint."

"I've had to work most Sundays,

and at times my talk was rough...

and sometimes I've been violent

because the streets are awful tough."

"But I never took a penny,

that wasn't mine to keep...

though I worked a lot of overtime

when the bills got just too steep."

"And I never passed a cry for help,

though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God forgive me,

I wept unmanly tears."

"I know I don't deserve a place

among the people here.

They never wanted me around

except to calm their fear."

"If you've a place for me here, Lord,

it needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much,

But, if you don't...I'll understand."

There was silence all around the throne,

where saints had often trod,

as the policeman waited quietly

for the judgement of his God.

"Step forward now, policeman

You've borne your burdens well.

Come walk a beat on heaven's streets.

You've done your time in hell."

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