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Mom's deeper friendship with a man after losing my dad


immissingyou

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Hi there,

I lost my dad to lung cancer in July. I am 22 so it's been a little rough for me losing my dad so young yet and not getting to experience things I should with my dad when I get older. I am currently living at home with my mom because I moved home to help take care of my dad when he was getting really sick. Recently though, my mom has been starting to get into a deeper friendship,I really don't know how else to describe it, with a man who has a been a family friend for many years. He has been divorced for probably 15 years now. They text and call each other, he often stops over to our house a lot more than he used when my dad was alive, she goes over to his house and they hang out together. I talked to my older brother about this because I was feeling a little uncomfortable and weird about what was going on. He can see how it's a uncomfortable for me but told me I should support her. My mom brought it up in conversation the other night about how she and this man have been starting a get into a deeper friendship and was asking if I was okay with it and what my opinion was about him. It was difficult for me to say anything because I get too choked up to talk thinking about my dad and stuff. She told that she has talked to my older brothers and they have no problem with it but I am having more difficulty with it than appartently they are. I kind of get angry and get short with her whenever I know she's talking to him or going over to his house. Usually I would I talk to my brother, but I think he would just make me feel bad about not supporting her and being uncomforable with it. My mom said she is no way trying to replace my dad with this man and I know that, I think she is just trying to fill a void with male companionship again. I don't know why I am feeling angry and having trouble expressing my feelings with this because I know he is nice guy. I would just like to get an outside opinion from other than family to help me understand why I might be feeling this way.

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I'm not going to say why you're feeling that way because I'm feeling the same way and I don't know why. My parents were divorced for about 8 years before my father died. Now, five years after his death, my mom is dating some guy. And yes, I do refer to him as some guy, or that guy. Before my father died, I was okay with her dating guys. Now that he'd gone, I'm like, How could you? This guy will NEVER be my father, I don't give a damn what you do, he's not my dad, I want MY dad.

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UnderHis Wings

It would cause me stress, too. It isn't easy to see someone step in to play the role your father used to play. But it most likely will upset your mother for you to express your true feelings. She may be upset, but not enough to stop seeing him. So you will have hurt her feelings and accomplished nothing else. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this.

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I am truly sorry. I am in a situation myself that im not sure how to feel. My mother passed away October 1st and I havent been able to get over it. Well last night my dad and I went to a group grief counseling session. On our way to the session my dad asked me how I would feel if he started dating a woman who is in the process of getting a divorcee. I felt sick to my stomach that he would even ask something like that. my mom has only been gone 1 month and 11 days as of yesterday when he asked this. I just told him that when I got divorced I stayed faithful till my divorcee was finalized before I started dating because though my ex did wrong and ran around, I took the same vows has him and I was going to stick to them till the very end. He also said that she is in her late 30's and here I am in my early 30's. I dont know that I would be ok with my dad dating someone who is only 8 or so years older then me. I know that he is eventually going to date and I know that eventually I will be ok with it but for him to throw that at me while we was going to a grief counseling just felt like the world had gone crazy. I hope that things get better for you and for everyone because the loss of a parent is the worst pain ever.

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It's very hard when we flip roles with our parents - parents asking us how we feel about their particular situation, My two cents is this (and for the record I have not walked a mile in the shoes of parents that have lost one another, simply divorced parents where both remarried). Life is very short and at the end of the day what counts in my book is happiness. If it makes your parent happy, why not bestow your blessing. Your feelings are valid but those feelings should take a back seat to what makes your dad or your mom happy. No offense intended, just an outsider looking in,

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I just lost my mom, but I am probably around your mom's age and divorced in April 2011. I think my son has some of the same issues as you, now that I have another man in my life. The difference is that none of my family or friends have met him. My time with him is private. I vowed that once I started seeing someone, I would not involve them in my family life, unless it got serious enough to involve marriage or living together. At this time it has been over a year that we have been together, but no one still knows him.

I think that since you are in the home, it is unavoidable that you know what is going on, and you must feel that it is a betrayal to either your dad or your family. I can understand how that must feel, and how you rationally understand that it is not.

My son said it to me this way, he knew me as mom-part of the family and part of a couple, he doesn't know the new me-(as in my first name) and it is going to take some getting used to. Is moving out an option? I know it is different because I am divorced, not widowed, but in my son's case, he grieves in a similar way as you, but instead of the loss of a dad, he is grieving the loss of the family unit that he thought he had. I think you are having difficulty dealing with your mom as an adult and not your mom. Understandable.

Another point- perhaps you can tell your mom that you are glad that she has companionship, but to please respect your feelings and not talk about him her plans unless you bring it up. In my case, my daughter wants to hear everything about my friend and our relationship, and gets a kick out of the fact that she hasn't met him, but my son's feelings are different, the subject doesn't come up unless he brings it up. Somewhat the same as with your siblings, everyone reacts differently.

I hope this perspective is helpful.

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