I'm angry at my friends for missing the funeral

[tuckerbear]

My dad died about 7 weeks ago and lately I've been finding myself getting (secretly) angry with certain people for not being there at his funeral. I have three very close friends who not only did not come to the funeral but did not send cards, flowers or a donation. They all were working so I understand what their excuse was but the more I think about it, the angrier I get. I know that if the situation was reversed and one of them had just lost a parent I would never not even think about not being there. I guess I just don't understand why they wouldn't take the afternoon off to lend me their support. It might sound so petty but I can't help but be hurt right now.

I haven't mentioned anything to any of them because I don't want to start anything and I need my friends to try to survive this time in my life.

Has anyone been through a similar situation? Should I try to just let this go or bring it up with them?

[mavericks_goose]

I, too, find myself being angry at friends of Kyle's who weren't there at his funeral who he thought were his friends. I guess when we pass and are looking from beyond...we see who truly cared and who didn't...even one of his friends had the nerve to call my best friend's husband to tell him about Kyle's death but when asked if this friend wanted to carpool with my best friend and her husband he said no that he didn't want to go. Really? What is so dang important that you can't come to your "friend's" funeral but gives you the right to call and alert others about his passing? There's no excuse for it, especially when a ride was offered. There are other "friends" of his that haven't even bothered contacting me to this day to say I'm sorry about your loss or even extend any sort of support. It bothers me and frustrates me. Right now I haven't said anything but the more I think on it and the more it is brought up around me the angrier I get and the more I do ponder on letting them know what I think of their so-called "friendship" with Kyle. So yes, I understand where you're coming from and feel the same anger that you do, I think it's normal to an extent of having anger towards those that you expected would be there and weren't there for you in such a hard time.

[stargazer5510]

My husband's oldest and dearest (so we thought) friend didn't come to the funeral and the following month when his wife called and they wanted to stop by, I told her how angry and disappointed I was that Pat hadn't made it to Gene's funeral. I know Gene would've dropped everything to be there for his wife. She said they just didn't have the money to come, but they showed up the next month. It was too late. I told them off and haven't spoken with them since and don't intend to.

I'm not recommending that approach!! It was drastic. But I don't regret it.

It's normal to be angry about a lot of things at times like these. I really don't know what the right answer is. If you need your friends' support, I probably would let this "breathe" a little with some time. Funerals are hard for a lot of people. And people who are unfamiliar with this type of loss may not have understood what it would have meant to you.

So sorry for the loss of your father. ((((((hugs))))))

[UnderHis Wings]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, I understand your frustration, but I wouldn't cut my friends off either. Lots of people just don't understand or missed it unintentionally; some are afraid, especially if they've never been to a funeral before.

Yes, my feelings were also hurt. One of my brothers not only never contacted me, but wouldn't return my calls and I don't recall ever doing anything to hurt him.

Forgiveness helps the one doing the forgiving.

[keiko]

First off, I'm very sorry about the loss of your father.

In regards to your friends, I totally relate and understand as I'm just as angry with my friends too for the same thing. 2 of my very close friends didn't bother to even try to attend my father's funeral and like yours didn't even bother to send a card or anything! I think for me it bothered me even more as my mom and sister had overwhelming support from their close friends and it made my friends look like losers to be honest. However, I do feel irrational about the level of anger and hurt I am feeling - I feel like I just want to cut them off, but a part of me does understand that some people just don't know what to do or say when a death occurs and I know death is difficult for many people to deal with...But still, I'm like you and think that if one of their parents died, that there would be no question in my mind whether or not to send a card or flowers and definitely make the time to attend the funeral. I'm still not sure what to do either...bring it up or let it go...though I feel like I am going to resent them if I don't bring it up. I honestly don't think they know how much they've hurt me.

[widower2]

some people just don't know what to do or say when a death occurs

"I'm sorry for your loss."

This isn't rocket science. Sorry, not buying it.

Well tb by now you may be realizing this is amazingly common. I don't know if that helps any, but just making sure you realize it's not you, it's them. In fairness I can possibly understand not making it to the funeral for various reasons (possibly), but not even a card or call is inexcusable...and it happened to me as well and I'm no less angry. Someone who is like family to me never called or even sent a card when it happened - but get this, in the token Christmas card she said "I can scarcely imagine what you're going through, the terrible loneliness and emptiness..." ...so she has a clue about the hell I'm going through, but STILL couldn't be bothered to call or write. And I never heard from her for about a year afterwards. Not even a simple email to say how are you holding up, etc. I have thought if (God forbid) her husband would suddenly pass away (we are both middle aged) if I would do the same and let her know the feeling. But yknow what it's not the same because I doubt she would care much anyway. That hurts as much as anything.

Anyway, as to whether to bring it up or not, let it go or not, etc, as you can see there's no pat answer; it depends on you, them, your relationships. I haven't said anything to the person who did it to me (I see no point now - she lives far away and we rarely see each other anyway, plus she isn't the type to "really talk" about such things so I think I'd get a token apology and God only knows what she's really thinking - just doesn't seem worth going there) but I haven't let go of it either, and never will. I can't pretend like such a severe offense never happened.