new to loss and need to talk

[DarkDungeon]

We spent 5 years on and off. First in college, he proposed to me. He planned to surf up to the alter. He drove 30 hours straight to see me when we rekindled 4 months ago. This time, he said, I won't let you go. This time is forever.

An eerie text he wrote a few weeks ago: "if something actually happens like the end of the world. Will I see you once before that? And if it does happen, I want you next to me. It's the only way I'd wanna go out." Of course I don't believe in prophecies, and he did not either. I responded that I'd want to be next to him too, which happens to be a curse that will haunt me forever.

The past 4 months we moved fast and I applied for jobs, packed my belongings, and planned on moving across the country to be with him. I walked fast, doubled up on graduate classes, and researched the weather out there. Every breath I took was toward our future. He felt the same and waited in pain. He said being without me was a dark dungeon with a steady water drip in the background. So I hurried along. I rode the train with him two Thursdays ago. My head rested on his shoulder as he blared music on his headphones. I'm so happy he stood up at my stop. It meant the world to me he gave me a huge hug and a big kiss. If only I could go back to that moment and never let go. I thought about looking back to wave but wondered coolly if he'd watch me walk away. I should have looked back.

Two weeks ago I was supposed to go out with him and his friends. He wanted to introduce me to some. I won tickets to a concert and he knew how badly I wanted to go and told me six times to choose the concert. But he told me he was upset and surprised. The night he lost his life in an automobile accident.

Now I feel eternal punishment for not putting him first. I'm so sorry. But I know it's not entirely my fault. An infinite series of events led to the accident. But people get into accidents all the time and break bones. Why, this time, did it cost a life? Why his life? We had plans! He told me I'd never be alone and I've never felt so dreadfully lonely. Laughter bleeds. People try to distract me, but I don't want to be distracted. All I'm left with is a notebook, memories that will gradually shift, pictures, words, haunted dreams, floods of tears, regret, remorse, despair. How could it be the first time we rode bikes together was our last? Oh I should have been next to him like I promised. For now I cry, they nod and say they understand, but they don't. I feign smiles; my laugh is forced. He began to carry me away but not far enough and now I walk circles in the wrong direction. An ache so deep, trapped inside, no sun shines, nothing grows. A future shattered. An uncertain past. Immense regret. A waking nightmare. I drag each step. Why am I supposed to walk on while he stands still? My body aches with bumps and breezes. I walk in circles and see his smiles everywhere and nowhere at all. I walk in circles and I need him to whisk me away and whisper to me a direction. Moments of clarity; mostly confusion. Dark devastation. Pissed at the sound of conversation and normalcy. I'm only breathing because he lived so large, with the wind. I try to follow his guidance and be inspired to love my surroundings and the people in them. But I'm torn between living (really living) and not wanting to take another step without him. I wake up each morning crying; another day without him. I used to dream of him every night. Now only nightmares.

[Bacher123]

I am so so very sorry for your loss. The future that never came here, I completely understand your pain. For not only have you lost what you had, but you lost what could have been. There are no words of comfort, noone, only you will know how your pain feels. I lost my beloved one month ago in a tragic motorcycle accident and all I can say is it will better, bearable maybe is the better choice of word. A month ago, I didn't think I could move forward. I used to love the mornings and I came to dread them, to wake and have to know my new reality was unbearable. But this I promise (and you don't even know me), IT WILL GET BETTER. People would tell me that time heals and honestly it would piss me off. How could time heal? Nothing heals the pain, but time does somehow make it manageable. It really does. I don't know your faith, but whatever it is, call on it, trust it. Regardless of what God you believe in, ask for strength and peace and it will come. And in the meantime, we are all here.

[DarkDungeon]

Thank you Bacher. You're the first person I've talked to since the accident 12 days ago who I feel can actually relate to my pain and that feels remarkably calming. I just was stricken with the idea that one day I may, in three years, reach his age of 29 and surpass it. I always imagined growing older with him three years my senior. The thought of growing old and leaving him behind is so painful. I am not religious but I believe his life on Earth was immensely fulfilling although cut way too short. He lived every moment like his last, soaked in his surroundings, talked to anybody who would listen. So in a sense, my spiritual beliefs are the only thing I cling to. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm having so much trouble grasping the reality of the accident.. trying to make sense of it all. I read the thousands of text messages we had, e-mails, facebook messages, everything for clues and closure.

[Bacher123]

I am so glad to hear you read my message. I feel as though I related to your post in the future we never had as well. We were together only a few short years and had our time together ahead of us as well. I wish so much I had the answers, but this much I know. This has changed me as a person, I held back on the love, guarded if you will. I felt at times I was even careless with thelove he and many others showed me. I have vowed to change me and never be careless with love again. Maybe this was my lesson to learn? I don't know.

[DarkDungeon]

Bacher,

I'm sorry you feel you held back. I wonder if all who have lost a partner feel they should have given more, given less? Have you learned to give it more now because you've learned that love and relationships are the most important thing we have? I feel that way now. I've been stuck in a book for a few years studying for school and working. Although this time around my guy and I told each other so strongly how we felt multiple times a day... we both jumped head strong in and made an instant commitment.. I still feel I held back by not moving across country with him sooner so I could have spent more time with him but I was afraid to quit my job. It sounds counter intuitive but I learned to always let love have the strongest pull and throw everything out the door if the feeling arises.

[Bacher123]

It is hard to explain, something deep in me that held back. Never truly trusted love or allowed myself to feel that vulnerable to it. Thinking it somehow shielded me from the potential pain and it certainly did not do that. I just know that I have grown from this in so many ways that I think I needed. I hope that doesn't sound self centered, but I am overwhelmed with the feeling that maybe we are here for as long as we need to be the person we were supposed to be and my beloved got there sooner? Does that sound stupid? Anyway, I didn't mean to make this about me, just continually searching for clarity and peace.