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I feel to young for this


ElemmireAnini

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ElemmireAnini

Hello all. I'm a 25 year old grad student, getting my masters in Aquaculture. My fiance, Gordon, and I were in the program together. We had been together for more than 4 years when he killed himself, June 10, 2012. I loved him so much. We were inseparable since we first met. But we both fought our own demons. I struggled with past abuse, he never felt good enough or that anything really mattered. But together we were getting better. We enjoyed life and each other. In 2010 we got engaged just before graduating from undergrad. A year later we moved to start the grad program. I was accepted first and spent nearly 6 months apart from him in the new area. He was often upset with me when I missed his phone call, or spent time with the people he didn't know yet.

But eventually we were together again in our first apartment. Grad school is a high stress situation and he just didn't deal with it well. We both had work to do that separated us most of the day, including weekends. But if he had work to do after hours he expected me to stay with him in his lab or office and just wait. If I was there after hours I had to contact him all the time. He was very upset if I was on campus past 5, especially if I was working with someone else in the lab with me. I often worked with a partner because the chemicals were still new to me and I tend to be clumsy. He didn't like going out with the other students like I did. We (about 6-10 other students/significant others) would get together almost every weekend. At first he would tag along, but that soon fizzled out. Eventually the other stopped asking where he was.

Gordon would go into very dark phases. He would get into these moods where he would refuse to talk to me, or even look at me unless we were in public. In front of others he was attentive and loving. At home he was dark and distant. He would go weeks at a time of not talking to me or touching me. Sometimes he would just stare at me while I napped.

He decided that we would move into my friend's house. Emily worked on campus and we had become close. The rent was cheap, but I was concerned that someone would see that the relationship wasn't really doing well. It was a very private thing for me. The good thing was that I now had a buffer zone, someone I could go to when Gordon was in his moods. Things just got worse. He had days that he had a lot of energy and could be fun, but then he would go right back to dark and sad. He would start arguments over nothing, but they wouldn't end until I apologized and tried to make it up to him.

Things got much worse after March 2012. I spent a week with my mom wedding planning. When I got back he was just irritated about everything. He complained about my weight (which was ridiculous, I was 5'9" and 150). But I wasn't confident so I tried to loose weight. He started working later hours and I was often left home alone. I was tired of being alone so I started spending time at the other student's houses. Gina and Dan were my favorite people to go see. Second was Kyle, he lived in the same apartment complex. So when Gina and Dan moved in April I spent more time with Kyle. Kyle, Gordon, and I did a lot together when Gordon was available. When he wasn't it was often just me and Kyle (sometimes one other would join us). It was my time with Kyle that made me realize how Gordon was treating me. He had taken control of my life, down to what snack I was allowed to have. So I started resisting.

The first time i rebelled was at a party. Kyle, Scott (another student) and I were just talking and drinking. Making plans to go to one of the bars. Gordon came up to me and we went outside to talk. I don't remember exactly what happened other than he pushed me. I hit the ground pretty hard and was startled. I told him that he pushed me and started sobbing. He told me that I simply fell and helped me up. He hurt my wrists as we stood there arguing about what happened. I finally just said "Fine, I fell, just take me home." I was too embarrassed to go back inside and let the boys see me cry. Every time there was an argument after that I ended up getting hurt. My breaking point was one morning were he decided to pull out our hunting rifle. I ran as fast as I could to get out of the house and into my car. But he apologized so much that I came home to him. But I packed a bug-out bag and kept it in my car. It took another month for me to end the relationship.

June 9, 2012, 3pm I told him things were over. I told him we could not get married and that he needed help. I went to Kyle's house (he now lived with 2 other students). There was a party that night so I tried to have some fun. I ended up telling a girl there about some of the emotional abuse. She told me I could stay with her if I needed. She tried to stop me from going home the next day, but I insisted that I would be fine. When I got home his car was in the drive way, so I snuck into the house hoping he would think it was just Emily or our other roommate Scott. I slept off my hangover on the couch. It wasn't until noon that I really woke up. I sat up on the couch because my cat kept bothering me. Once I sat up I realized that Gordon hadn't gotten up. He should have at least gotten up to go to the bathroom, he should have gone to work. But the room door was still closed over. So I went to the door and pushed it open. It was dark and he was sitting on the floor. But then I saw the rifle and my eyes focused on him. He was dead. I ran to Emily and yelled that Gordon was dead. I fell to the floor.

Since then so much has happened that it is taking time to piece together exactly what happened before and after his death. I lost my love, my home, and a lot of my friends. I feel completely insane sometimes. I just feel like I'm too young for this.

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ElemmireAnini,

I am so very sorry about Gordon. I want to tell you that you are not in any way responsible for his decision to end his life. By the sounds of your post, and I am certainly not a professional, Gordon had troubles that needed professional help. You may want to seek some counseling or self help groups to process your experiences. Sometimes people we love have inner struggles we just simply don't know about, and even if we did, it may be beyond us to help them. You cannot blame yourself for any of this.

You did lose your love, and that will take you some time to work through. It will get better. Why did you lose your friends? Are you still in grad school? I know the struggle of that because I am in my last semester. The pressure is intense....

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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Dear ElemmireAnini,

I am so sorry for your loss. Suicides are hard to bear - my mother took her own life in 1990. To echo ModKonnie, you are not responsible for his decision. He sounded like a very troubled man. You were wise to break up with him - abuse is never O.K. Counseling could be helpful. You've been through a rough time and that can take a while to process. You've lost Gordon and perhaps a little of yourself. Feelings can be complex.

I still remember the pressure of grad school. And to have all this happen at this time, although there is never a good time.

We are here for you.

Sincerly,

Mandala

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ElemmireAnini

Thank you both,

I have been going to counselling since about a week before this happened. She was the one who really convinced me that I needed to leave him. She was right. I also go to 2 support groups, they are very helpful. I've lost a few people that I thought were friends in my program, other students. There are 3 guys that just seem to ignore my very existence. I think that they are very upset about his death and that I was so weird afterward. At first they would contact me every few days, then there was silence. I tried to confront them on it and ended up not being able to say anything to them and having a break down. So now I just wait to see if they want me around or not. In the mean time I spend most of my time with 3-4 of the remaining guys and have gotten closer with the few woman in the department. I really think that there is just a maturity level that some of them just don't have.

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ElemmireAnini

The day that Gordon died is still a little blurry. I remember being so shocked and scared, but I couldn't move. I felt so much hate and anger that when people touched me I wanted to scream. I hated the men around me. I felt like they should have helped me. I nearly fainted when I realized how many people had shown up to my home. Three of the other grad students and a girlfriend in tow, the head of my department, some of Emily's friends, all the officers and paramedics. There were too many people. I wanted to be alone. I didn't know who got there when or why. I felt ashamed because I had yelled at the officer before getting up for a walk. Emily has horses and I wanted to pet them. I avoided so many questions. Why do they think you can give a straight answer after something like that.

I eventually got myself settled on the ground next to a tree. I just wanted to pet the barn cat, but she was afraid of the strangers. I sat in the grass as the bugs bit me without mercy, I didn't care. I watched the blood stream from the marks and blocked out the excitement around me. Every time I looked up there were just more people. I clung to the black bag I pulled out of my trunk after Emily told me Brandon was coming to pick me up. I didn't want anything else out of my home. They kept asking if I wanted my clothes, I said no. They asked what they should do with his clothes, I told them to burn them. I finally remembered that I would need my medicine from the bathroom and it was brought to me. It seemed like things were wrapping up so I stood with the bag on my shoulder and waited. But when we were about to move to the car the Sargent stopped me and said Gordon hadn't been moved from the house yet. I dropped my bag and grabbed my chest. Kyle stepped forward to steady me. I wanted to yell at her, "Get him out of my home", but I just nodded and stayed silent. I didn't watch them move him, I thought if I did I would attack his body. The guys took me to there house where I just sat alone in the dark.

I worked up the courage to call my parents and my best friend Kelly. They were the only 3 numbers I could remember (my cell phone was accidently destroyed that morning). My parents were shocked, but able to send the closest family member to come take care of me, Uncle Bennie was only 3 hours away and would help me through the night. The next day I had a flight out to Pa, I bought the tickets weeks ago and figured there was no reason not to go home to my family. While home his parents flew down to get Gordon. While they were there they stole almost everything valuable from my room claiming it as Gordon's. His mother refused to answer my phone calls and told people that Gordon and I had actually broken up months ago and lived together out of convenience When she finally did speak to me she said I could have anything back. The only things returned to me were broken or incomplete. When she asked me to explain what happened between us she would cut me off. No mom wants to hear that her son wasn't an angel.

I've lost 30 pounds since he told me to lose weight back in April, I look pale and sick. I am physically and emotionally weak. I have flash backs of finding his body (not something anyone should see) and to the abuse he put me through. I doesn't seem real sometimes.

I have finally come to a point were I don't have as much rage. I've accepted that my life is different. I have to be thankful for what I do have. I have to be thankful that I didn't go home that night.

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